Hmm...

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Trash out, container rebagged.  Chicken set to brine.  Coffee made, and the cold brew set to go.  It'll take a few days for the cold brew to be done, so I have to do french press until that is arranged.  While taking the trash out, I measured the roller studs, they are four inches so the order stands... or what is in the basket works.  Sassy was fed.  The water was reset.  I added in a new jar, cleaning one of the old ones.  And, I had to grind more coffee after setting up and making coffee.  When the old one is clean and dried, I'll add that in, and take the other old one out.

Quite a few tasks.  All tiny, but taking time and energy.  And, there were probably a few little things done which aren't being remembered.  Not a bad go.  And, as I was thinking, I decided to set a timer... to let me know when the brining is finished.  Then turned the oven on to get it read, plus turned the furnace down as it was still rather warm from yesterday.  Ugh.

The hope?  Today?  To bake the chicken, fry the burger, Finish resetting the water and jars, get a shower, trim, and maybe shave, and possibly get recycling gathered and out if there is enough.  Then be ready to take the trash and recycling out tomorrow evening.

I missed mass tonight.  I have two chances to make it tomorrow.  An early one and a later one.  I will check on when those are.  Though, depending on some things, one of the times may not be in session.  I'll... have to check.  All I can do is do my best.  Time is still difficult for me to attend.  Sleep is off just in the wrong way, so that getting to church is difficult.  But... I will see, and give it a shot.

Oh, on the good side, my feet and legs are doing much better, as to swelling.  At least the last few days.  It's a day by day thing.  Still healing from the break, still and probably perpetually dealing with fluid buildup.  But... today, or tomorrow really, I should be able to wear dress shoes.  So can dress more formally.  As well, I found my suitcoat.  It isn't a proper suit, but it... is a bit better than just a shirt and die.  One step at a time.

One other thing?  I fogot to use the bone broth in the beef liver yesterday.  Realizing that later, I pulled chicken livers to thaw last night.  They are thawed, they thaw very quickly it seems.  In any case, I will be making chicken liver and onions, with the bone broth, tonight.  Can't keep that for leftovers.  Liver just doesn't wait, or work that way.  I'll eat what I can, and throw the rest.  Two liver meals in a week, back to back?  It'll do.  Oh, but I am adding bacon, this time, as well.  No garlic.  It just didn't add much to the beef liver.  Onion, butter, broth, and livers will do.

I would also like to make some dressing.  Or get started.  Not tonight, some things will take some time.  First I have to make more creme fraiche, then make fresh mayonnaise.  I may have to use storebought milk made kefir, but I suppose that will work... I just have to time it right.  Already reset kefir tonight, so that would be tomorrow at the earliest.  Then, use some of the creme fraiche, fresh mayo, and a bit of cream, plus spices and blue cheese for that portion of the dressings.  We'll see.  Should be splendid.  Yes, I have blue cheese.  Hasn't been opened, so should still be good when I get to it?  We'll see.

The only difficult thing about making these things by hand is timing.  You need this to be ready, that to be done, this to be fresh, that to be aged.  It's... a bit of a trick.  But it is a delightful life.  I am, slowly, catching the beat and becoming a small prep chef, saucier, and right cook.  And I eat well, if slighter, for it.  The thing about "fancy food" is there is little of it, at any given time... it may be a bit rich to eat too much (if that is a solid good "bug")... it is expensive (which is, in part, also why you eat less of it at any given time)... and such.  It is a... better life.  I consider it, in modern parlance, high definition culinary living.  The flavors are explosive, and real.  Not contrived through chemicals.  The colors are vibrant.  The scents are wonderful enough to entice God Himself.  While some things should go to God first, I think it pleases Him if we do well with what remains.  Amen.

On to... I don't know?  Gaming for a bit?  Maybe.

Bit by bit.

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I just can't push through far, or long.  I can do a few dishpans at a time, or make a meal, or maybe get trash out.  Which is probably next.  But I can't work for long.  Just... running ragged.

I have gotten two loads of two dishpans washed, rinsed, then dried and set out.  Half of those have been put up, along with any other things which were out.  I made room for the quart jars.  The last load was three half gallon jars, and a bunch more lids.  How many lids do I have!?!  Never mind.  I did get that load washed a final time, rinsed, dried, and set out.

After a break, I set up the last two loads of dishes... which I have been working on.  I still have... three or four more dishpans of dishes to work through, or so.  After a break, I will get those loads washed a final time, rinsed, dried, and set out.  Then a shower.  Hopefully, as a final group of things, I will brine chicken which I thawed, cook some hamburger which too has been thawed (since the container for that is clean, finally), and work on the liver pate.

If I can get those things done, I will go on to bed as soon as possible.  Not sure.  Will see.  Actually, might do the pate before dishes or showering.  It should be an easier thing.  Probably.  Sounds more complicated, or fussy, but... I think it will be easy enough.

I have been looking up other tasks I would like to do.  Changing to leds for turn signals, breaking lights, interior (dome) lights, and headlights... but that is a bit pricy.  Perhaps by parts?  And, putting up whirlybird air movers, for the roof.  At least the main and back roofs.  The front roof should go with something a bit more... discreet?  Maybe.  Not that it really matters on my house.  And, still, it sort of matters on all houses?  As well, a few ideas about how to seal cracks in my driveway.  It needs more fill in a hole, if that is a ton better this year.  Even so, I would like to try to get that nearly completely flush.  If I can get the driveway perfected this year, next year I may put a new topping... two layers perhaps.

Not things for this year, or not all of them.  But... a few things here and there.  So many things to do.  Vent fans in the bathrooms, refitting one of the bathrooms, roof extension work... replacing the panels... maybe the wood supports, cleaning the house of course and the garage.  So very many things.  And here I am struggling to get dishes done.  Bleh.

Tired, but not as bad as I had been.  Shoveling snow really... I thought it had gotten me.  Busted me pretty hard, for a bit.  But I have recovered better, quicker, than I thought I would.  How do I know?  If I hadn't improved, there is no way I would even be doing the light work.  Though, I don't want to push too hard again.  That... really was difficult.

Yea, I'll get the pate going.  After reviewing the video.  I'll see how things work shortly.  

My mother and brother haven't called.  The last time I called my mom, she... avoided speaking to me... twice.  My brother just... isn't talking.  No thanks, or even a nod or text.  I guess that is the way it goes.  I thought things had improved.  I guess not.

The groups don't really want me.  I get it.  Whatever, or whichever, thing, gets in the way... I am alone here.  I realized I didn't fit in as a child.  I have mostly gotten used to that.  I just thought things were turning around.  No, no they aren't.  Best, probably, to be solo.  Though, I'll see.  I'm just staying low key and avoiding rocking any boats, or causing any problems.  Sometimes I forget the rules, say or do something which causes problems.  I... have to remember to be quiet.  True, false, doesn't matter.  Some things should never be spoken... or written.

Liver, onion, and mushroom.

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Very good.  Or, at least not bad.  Sometimes liver, if overdone, is difficult to eat.  If underdone, it's a bit rich.  This was... just about right.  It didn't have much flavor, to be honest.  But with the mushrooms, onion, and garlic too actually, it was pretty good.  Bland on it's own.  If bland is far better than the gamey strong flavor it can have.  I was happy with it.

I have the remainder cut into medium pieces, and bagged for now.  Plus onion chopped, for a run at pate probably, hopefully, yet tonight.  I think I can get it done.  I am quite curious how it will turn out.  There remains mayonnaise that I made, if will extra virgin olive oil, so it's a bit strong.  Though, perhaps, with garlic, liver, and else, perhaps it will do.  I'll find out before long.

By the next time I get around to liver, I should have mayonnaise made using light olive oil.  And, hopefully, I will be out of pate, or liverwurst, or whatever one wishes to call it so will be ready to do another batch.

I will keep hitting the dishes, as well.  The hope is to finish tonight, and then get a shower.  And, perhaps, take a shower again tomorrow.  Ugh.

I am watching a show about The Rwanda event.  To be honest, it looks like the British created the problem back in 1916.  Separating the majority and minority, and putting the minority in charge.  Then, later, siding with the majority when the minority were no longer useful to their schemes.  Actually, it looks like this has been done all around the world, and often to the same ends.

The killing of Jews in Europe was a very similar situation.  They were a vast minority which had gained control of Germany, and much of Europe, legitimately or not (has to be mostly not, to some major degree, due to the vast minority demographics).  Were they set up, were the Tutsi set up?  Which, where, I can't say.  But history repeats a little too clearly.

Is it that those who rule the world are evil, and spiteful, petty?  I think so.  But, too, minorities love to hold rule over majorities.  And abuse that.  Can't say they don't deserve it.  Just less than those who set them up.  Though the ones who set them up never seem to pay.  This is not Christ's kingdom.  I guess that is just the way it goes.

Every time you see a minority rule, understand that there... will end up being problems.  Although, I have this... feeling... that those who have been setting up minorities to be destroyed are... coming due.  Their time is, very possibly, drawing to an end.  They see it, too.  They are struggling, fighting, cheating, stealing, hiding, running.  But... it won't help them.  I don't think it is even that which is worldly which is coming for them.  Far worse.  We'll... see.

Anyway...  I'll finish the show, hit another load or two of dishes, game, finish dishes and get a shower, then go on to bed.  Hopefully earlier tonight.  Or... this morning.

Gaming?

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Not all of it.  Yes, some.  I am doing little bits of tasks between playing.  Trying to do more, somewhat limited.  The cold, this continuing winter, the dark, all waorking against me.  Doing my best, and doing some things.  Just not fast enough to get ahead, let alone keep up.

Working on dishes.  I got all the jar lids cleaned.  Plastics, more useful for kefir and other ferments.  A partial load of the jars and a large pot were also cleaned.  If I can push a bit, I can get eggs boiled.  Love those.  As well, I plan on making liver and onion tonight.  Nothing fancy, but it should do.  And it really is healthy.

I might be able to get the rest of the dishes in there done yet tonight.  As well, perhaps, a shower and trim... maybe even a shave.  Laundry is all caught up, finally.  Oh, well, there is always some more to do.  But, I don't think there is enough even now to do a load of any of my sorting types.

As well, I am going to make a batch of cold brew coffee.  Give it 48 hours, out.  Then filter it and put it in the fridge.  Just have a cup at a time.  Better in the summer, and warmer spring and summer months.  But, for ease, I think I will make a batch, heating what I need.  While I love the little french press, it is a) little, b) doesn't keep the coffee warm, and c) is a bit of a mess to clean out.  Always something.

Not drinking a lot of coffee.  Maybe a few very much smaller sips through the day, rather than one to three quarts of freeze dried coffee a day.  Less actual fluid, if probably a similar amount of coffee going in, to make the stuff, by volume?  Not sure if they are equivalent in caffeine.  And, it is much more hit and miss when doing french press.  More like one or two a day.  The stuff is definitely stroger.  And, yes, that helps.  Though, with the french press, I am trying to cut out "keto" sweetener.  Just the coffee, and cream, much more often anyway.

Cold and dark.  Oh... I forgot to measure the bars from the garage door rollers.  It looks like replacements are either 4" or 7", if I think 7" bars are usually for double wide doors or more, or heavy doors.  Though, perhaps, for older garage doors?  Mind may be heavier, and older.  Still, best just to check.  I'll check right after I finish.  I have the 4" bars in the cart.  Pretty sure, just ought to check.

I will look up keto liver, onions, and gravy.  I have number of wheat flour alternatives.  But some of them really don't translate for thickening, or else.  I'll... go look, then measure the bars on the garage door rollers.  Then either do a few more dishes, or begin on the liver.

Oh... I was thinking?  I have too much liver in a pack, any pack, for one.  It's... just too much for liver and onion night.  However, I made pate in the past.  And liked it.  Couldn't remember how I did it, so I went looking.  Hopefully this will help if I need a memory booster in the future.  I may save out what I don't think I can eat, and make pate after supper.

A good but late wake.

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Not sure when I went to bed.  I think I shoved a bit after five.  Took a while to catch my breath, and relax enough after the effort, to go on to bed.  Half an hour, two hours?  I don't know.  I almost thought I might have a problem, there for a bit.  Maybe I did have a problem.  Can't be sure.

I didn't wake up until 16:00, pretty much exactly.  I tried to push up, after beginning to wake a bit after 15:00, it just wouldn't happen.  Even when I did get out of bed, it was a push, and a bit from the shock that time was flying so fast.  I didn't want to end up not waking until, 20:00 or something?  Days, and time, are slipping.

I have been working on dishes.  I have two loads ready, just need to be given a warm rinse.  And two loads which may or may not need another wash.  Kefir is hard to get out of jars.  Soap, hot water (I keep mine at about 160 F), doesn't do it.  Even a scrub bottle brush?  Nope.  It takes two or three, or even four runs to clear the fat off.  And, that is what is in washing.  Several old ones I had forgotten in the fridge, all the fresh ones, big and small I was using, and the lids.  

I do have two new quart jars fermenting.  Requiring storebought milk, as per usual.  They are, this time, reviving much quicker.  And growing exceptionally well.  One more week of this, and by next week I should be back to kefir.  Look, if you leave it out, in the 70 to 74 range of temperatures, for more than a few days, especially to four or five, something goes really bad, wrong.  I don't think it is, quite, or to me, toxic, poisonous, but it is... very sketchy.  And it might end up toxic.

I go with my gut, and instincts.  I have been poisoned... by actual toxins on several occasions, via excessive drinking, and through overdoses.  I know whatfore I speak... write.  If I tell you something is sketch, it is.

I may just stick with two jars of the stuff, fermenting, and two jars in the fridge.  More is a lot more work.  And, I am not drinking that much.  I will just have to get it set so I drink just that much.  Of course, fermentation takes longer and shorter, depending on the season.  Ugh.  Still, I'll try.  

I have grown enough kefir grains, this time, already, to pull to emergency batches out.  So, if I make a mistake again, I have a short term reset without having to spend thirty on a new group.  Now, this is using grains from storebought milk.  Ah, but that doesn't matter.  As, when defrosting and using, I would be using storebought milk initially anyway.  Still, not sure how strong they are.  The next groups to be frozen will be from the grains produced with raw milk.  Check.

And, if I didn't mention?  I roasted walnuts recently.  They came out splending.  It wasn't even the "brand" name.  A store brand, if generally one of the better ones I have encountered.  I can't believe how good those are.  But addictive this way!  When I go to make a waldorf salad, I will have to make new.  These will be gone.  No problem.  Thing is, they have two hundred calories per ounce!  Gotta watch how much you eat.  The half pound bag, which I toasted, at eight ounces is sixteen hundred calories.  And I could eat two or three of those a day, easily!  Well, for a few days.  Then move on to pecans, almonds, or such.  I could live large on nuts.  Though they are... expensive.  So, that wouldn't last long either.  And those are the cheaper nuts!  Crazy.

I am going to measure the caster on the garage door, see what size I need.  That is one project I will tackle this next month.  Ordering spray oil, as well.  Though about getting lithium grease, too, but that is more if you have a spindle bar, for a garage opener, or such.  Besides, I probably have some in my supplies, somewhere.  Oh, and I'd like to look at my headlights, see if the case is still good.  Whether that needs changed, or just new bulbs.  Thinking led.

I had thought against leds, because so many I see on vehicles, or initially, seemed way to bright.  But, when investigating, what I suspect is, especially early on, people would replace the bulb, but neither fit the replacements in correctly, nor line them up and keep them below a certain height.  I think, if those things are managed, leds are fine.  My headlights are just getting... a bit too soft.  I thought it was just my eyes, but I think it is the bulbs dimming.  Though... maybe a bit of both.  *grins*  Getting old is both a good, and bad, thing.  Amen.

I was about to writer "later", when I realized I am alone.  It's the way it has to be.  But, no need to write to... anybody, anymore.  Just... thinking out loud, now.  At least I don't have to worry about what I say, mostly.  Still have to be somewhat cautious, just not as cautious.

More snow already.

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I thought we would get more.  Just didn't think it would be so soon.  At least four more inches of snow.  I got out, shoveled fifteen feet of the driveway, from the garage out.  Then a small path to the front entry sidwalk.  I then cleared the sidewalk.  Only have of it had snow on it.

Heavy snow.  Not all that cold, at 28~29 F out there.  But the snow was heavy, very wet.  Wore me right out.  Having some difficulty breathing, catching my breath.  I don't think it was the weight of the snow, as much as just having used myself up lately. 

I took the week off, but that isn't helping.  I did a few small chores each day.  Some laundry through, or folded on odd days.  Dishes set up, and being done as I go.  Keeping Sassy fed, and myself when I can eat, remember to eat, am hungry... remember I am hungry, have enough energy to do much about it.  I'm trying.

Yea.  That didn't burn me out, it just showed me how burned out I am.

I keep looking at projects I'd like to do.  But, rather than considering spending money on projects I'd like to do, I decided to begin looking up projects I could do with the tools and equipment I have.  The carpet needs a lot of work.  The thing is, I'd have to move a lot of stuff out of the way.  But... that is what I plan to do.

If I can't use what I have, why buy more stuff for other projects?  Right.  No.  So, that is where I am at.  When I can get to it, that is.  I might be a few replacement lights for the suv.  They are starting to dull.  I need light, more light, as I get older.  Rheumy eyes?  Old eyes, as if there is a difference?

No more readers.  But... I did that for a reason.  Not sure I had any readers, not friends, anyway.  Just bureaucrats, looking for evidence, or else.  This will go down, hard, one way or the other.  Or even another way.  Bureaucrats get washed out with severe economic disturbance, and that is coming one way or the other.  As with trotskyites, they never see it coming.

I found half the paperwork I want to send for my VFW application.  I want to make sure they see the worst, and current, paperwork.  One had suggested that I may not be allowed to be voted into any office.  That... won't work.  Either I am in, or not.  I won't run for office, or seek it.  But if it happens, I have to be free to do it.  I'm not going to be due paying empty suit.  Either I am in, or I am not.  No partway thing.  Doesn't matter to me.  If what I told them is true, then... they think it's a go.  Or... on the terms they were trying to go with.  We'll see about the full in or full out thing.  I won't negotiate.

I ordered a Carhart jacket.  I oredered a 2 extra large tall, my usual.  This thing fits like a bear rug!  I am returning it, trying one size down.  They don't have two sizes down, in tall, or I might have tried that.  I wanted to be awake, today, to get that in.  Just not going to happen.  Ugh.

Friday?  Yes.  Maybe I'll get it in tomorrow.  If not, Monday?  Or... soon.  Days and nights are not doing well.  And, falling back into winter, I'm having a lot of difficulty pushing or pulling.  Trying pushing or pulling things in the middle of a pool, lake, ocean.  It's like that.  I can't get any leverage.  Later.

Well?

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My hear is tired enough that it hurts again.  I won't complain.  I have had my first week off from hurting in... thirty some years?  It seems like it.  Even on medication it hurt, usually.  Nearly a whole week off though?  I didn't think it would ever not hurt, at least here.  It is trying to make up for the days off, though, it seems.

I am still hoping to get to dishes.  First putting up the bit that is dry, to get to meat and broth.  Honestly, though, I am not very hungry.  I'm not sure I should pull anything out for tomorrow.  Though, maybe, I could do liver and onions.  Maybe.

I checked the kefir.  It will take anothr day for it to work through.  Trying to get it to grow faster, as a group of colonies.  Though I should be careful.  If the milk slips, goes a bit bad, that doesn't just make it sour.  I think something just goes really wrong.  So I may change that out tonight.  I just need to make sure there is enough grains going to do that.  We'll see.  There is a way to handle that if it isn't quite there yet.

Other than that, I think I'll finish those things then go on to bed.  I did reset a couple of battery powered night lights.  Just new batteries needed.  I like them, so that if I need to move around at night, I don't have to wrestle with lights.  Motion activated, timed turn off, just makes life easy for someone who hurts, aches, else.

I turned my blog to private.  There might be a few who have access.  Though I doubt if they visit all that often, or even remember how to long in.  Still, worried about people figuring how to get in.  May have to burn the blog.  Why?  Was being passively threatened, my income.  Have no doubts, I... saw what was going on.  May have to back out of the group I was considering joining.  Just... the way of things.  Not welcome?  Or... even more.  We'll see.

Then again, it isn't just me.  All the conservative sites I visit are being claimed to be dangerous.  I know that to be bunk, save the ones which might be actually on the other side.  Which... for all I know, is all of them.  You can't trust people, especially blogs, the news, or even most outlets of any kind.  What haven't been compromised were never on your side, or the right side, of anything.  We'll see.  Might be headed directly to a dictatorship, or bureaucratically run one.  They are fighting, and no one seems to be, or be able to, fight back with any success.  And they are shutting down most groups, if they haven't outright taken them over.  Some are both.  That is how police states run.

Yea.  Later.  Or goodnight.

I did work on the floor jack last summer.

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Not a lot.  I figured out where the fluid went, drained what was in there, replaced it.  Did a few other things.  Couldn't get it to work.  I thought I looked for the model number, and manufacturer.  If I found them I don't remember, couldn't find the seals kit, or... something.  I would like to get that working.

I bought a new one.  Even so, I would like to get the old one working.  Why?  Could, sometimes, use two.  Though as much to learn how to take care of kit.  It is far cheaper (usually) and often quicker (to repair compared to save up to replace) some equipment.  Sometimes things can't be repaired.  The kit doesn't exist... some no-names just haven't created a kit, or one was never made.  Or the problem isn't something that can be solved by a kit.  Or it just doesn't make economic sense... a new piece of equipment is cheaper than a repair, or much faster to obtain when time is more valuable than the difference in costs.

Two steak dinners in a row.

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Was good, very good.  Though, the second time, the stead didn't taste as good?  Glad I didn't wait any longer to cook it.  It was in the fridge, sealed in a ziploc.  But it was at the end of it's sale life.  Probably would have become hamburger?  Or do store butcher shops even do that anymore?  It seems like they order everything in, and just thaw it?  Almost hands off.  Even some butcher shops only bring in the carcass in gutted half slabs, not even dealing with offal, or anything else.  Very strange.  All of them?  I can't say that, but some of them.

I think I mentioned that I figured out who visited, and why.  Got that all taken care of tonight.  The item will take eight weeks to get here?  Crazy.  I'll just have to let them know when it is in.  I wouldn't use it, as mentioned.  Basically, we just did a return on their computer, using data I provided.  All good.

We did get six to eight inches of snow.  Not finished.  Maybe with snow, maybe not.  But not with moisture.  Rain or snow on into July?  June?  Never can tell.  Things are odd this year.  Then again, when has weather ever been... regular?  And, as I remember things, it was colder, wetter, snowier, and else, when I was younger.  I didn't mind it as much, I even enjoyed it more.  Well, until winter kept chugging through early summer.  Winter, and summer, exhaustion is a real thing.  Summer were hot, but not terrible.  Even before most people had air conditioning.  Even in Iowa.  Wasn't the heat, mostly, it was the humidity.

I haven't gotten to work yet.  But I sure enjoyed dinner.  Am gaming.  May just game, a bit, and try to get to bed earlier tonight.  A few grapes, or an apple, would be good.  I don't do fruit often.  It's... just another form of sugar.  So I watch it.  Even apples.  One a day does not the doctor keep away.

Oh, I may try to get the dishes finished and up.  First putting the few things I have dried away, so as to get some meat and bone broth out.  Some meat is in there that I want out.  Some is in the freezer above the fridge.  Oh, could set up the reverse osmosis and get water running again.

But, first, some coffee and a bit of gaming.  Perhaps feeding Sassy, and checking her litter box.  Life is a bit cold, but good.  Later or goodnight.

Awake at 16:00.

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Right at.  Went down a bit before seven, between half and five to?  Somewhere in there.

It had snowed.  What was in the drive was much the less.  What was stacked on the garbage barrel looked to be between four and six inches.

I heard the doorbell.  But, when answering it, and having a difficult time communicating with a man-sized ground squirrel, I thought it probably a dream.  Then again, maybe I heard the doorbell and dreamed the rest.  So am checking with the folk it might have been.  In case they had a message or request.  That is the most... unusual dream I have had in a long time.

No, the angel one, or such, is fairly... those I have.  But giant ground squirrels, or even dinosaurs... unless Leviathan or such... aren't even common.  And, other than spiritual dreams, my usual dream is... pretty normal.  Rarely do odd, unnatural, things happen in my dreams.  Even, as far as I am concerned, angels and demons, devils, and darklings, are... natural.  Or, well, at this time.  Not all were intended.  I have to wonder that angels weren't a backup?  Maybe not some, but personal angels?  Why would perfected man need such?  Only fallen man would, could, use such an honored spiritual friend, adviser.

Anyway... so I sent a text, checking.  May send a few more.  Oh, and it was driving an atv.  Pretty cool, actually.  A pleasant chap, if he couldn't speak well.

Feet are a bit uncomfortable today.  One problem I have is with socks.  Now I have shoes that fit, but finding socks that fit my feet is... tricky.  Especially compression socks.  Though those are either too big, so sloppy, or too tight.  The world is an odd place, especially for those of us who don't fit.  Finding socks for size 15/16 feet is difficult.  The world is designed for the medium, if they make more money on the fringes, if they have any money.

Yep, a visitor.  I was correct as to which one.  It has to do with the air fryer.  I have one that was recalled.  But my attempts to get a return were not working, and I didn't want to use other browswer... which all require logging into google?  F' that.  But, didn't want it to go to waste, and that was the one thing they didn't get, that they wanted.  So... it could work out as a win-win.  At least it isn't getting simply tossed.  If I would advise against them.  The baskets, the coating?  Tres mal.  From cancer to infertility, it's bad stuff.  Further, if you risk it, you really need to change it every few years, and people don't.  And definitely when it begins to flake.  But... people don't!  Still, it... is what it is.

It must be warming, as things are melting... a bit.  Yes, 36 out there.  Just warm enough to have it begin to melt just a bit.  I am guessing, at least here locally, the ground is opening up and taking water down.  Or there would be... problems.  Not sure that is happening everywhere, and flooding will be a risk, for many, through into possibly early summer, especially if we get more snow and rain.  

This covers the snow I was sure that would arrive.  But more?  That I can't say.  Though I do expect more snow or rain.  It is just one of those years.

Haven't heard from my brother.  I sent him a small package, a pair of popup drains for the bathroom.  After trying them myself, and realizing how easy they were to install, and how convenient it is to have a catch for things that get through, I decided to send him some.  Didn't do it for a thank you, though.  And, maybe it's in his box, but he hasn't checked it yet.  Or is busy.

I've called mother, but she isn't talking.  Isn't interested in talking.  She is... busy, or angry, or ill.  But isn't conversing about it.  So I'll let her go her way, too.  I can't make people do anything.  Wouldn't make them if I could.  I won't even take it personally.  I have... things to try to do.

After I wake a bit better, I'll hit the dishes.  Probably just a final wash then rinse.  Then clearn the freezertop, if nothing else to pull some meat out, and bone broth I made a while back.  I want that for liver and onions.  Hmm... yeah.  Always some little or bigger thing, and the sense that the world is resting on my shoulders.  Too tired, weary, but so much to do.

I wouldn't even mind, if I could get to more work!  I'll keep at it.  Have a great day.

The steak was excellent.

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A bit surprised.  Though I did look it over, up, and down.  Sometimes that meat is very questionable, selling because it is timing out.  I suppose it depends where they have put it.  In an uncooled counter or down in a cooled place.  Yes, I have seen them put them in counters near the entrance that don't seem cooled.

A coffee after was quite good.

I checked kefir.  The new set.  It is doing well, but will take a week, nearly two really, before I can begin using raw milk, so it is consumable.  Seems like a waste.  I just don't trust homogonized pasteurized milk.  Though, sometimes, near the end, when it starts looking good, I do eat some of it.  I get hungry for it, miss it, so... live with a bit more risk.

Though I am really looking forward to having it back in stock, so I can make mayonaise and a few other things.  Ranch and blue cheese dressing this time.  I might be able to try to make mascarpone cheese, without that.  Last time I went to do it, I had forgotten to heat it.  This time I will remember.  Part of why I bought lemons.

I did make another run.

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Tired.  But... I wanted a cuppa.  That french roast, in a fresh press, with a touch of real whole cream?  Yes.  And I needed it tonight.  

New potentials make me nervous.  It would be easier to be declined.  More difficult to be accepted, and all that means.  Well, and attendance.  It's... a difficult clan.  And, not all, even who could or would nominally be allowed, fit.  I am on the edge of being outside of most every group, for... many reasons.  Don't think I don't understand.

After returning from the second run, I made a steak and potato dinner.  As well, I had a cup of the good stuff.  May have another.  Love that coffee.

I had hoped to get some work done, but that may not happen.  I should have been able to handle a trip, or two, and visit.  It wasn't just that.  There is more... to some things than I can describe.  Something about when more than several gather, if of a different sort.  It's been a while since I have been in such company.  I forgot how high that can make one, or how far one can fall after... if it's been a while.

Fried.  Still, I did set up dishes for tomorrow.  A soapy soak.  The goal is to wash, then rinse, then get another shower tomorrow morning... or whatever passes for morning.  Then try to do even more.  Working on the bathroom, working in the hallway, breaking down boxes... things.  Not sure if it is possible, but it is being planned.

I can't quite get to bed yet, though, either.  Something about those highs and lows... change things.  While I was given treatment, I wasn't ever involved with groups.  For... again... many reasons.  I think those who have, have become part of a clan, and learn... things.  Perhaps, in time, becoming clan leaders, learning to beat the drum, control the rhythm.  I ran into that tonight.  Knew what it was, couldn't quite extricate myself.  Though, being singular, different, I... will learn to control... some of that.  Like a drug.

It's why I belive in berserkers... without any drugs needed.  It's in the blood.  Those who have done some things are permanently different from those who haven't, can't, won't.  Different tribes.  Different rules.  Different natures.

Coffee!  Later, or goodnight.

Odd...

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How the past and the present can collide.

I wonder if they know my name?

Being known isn't always being liked.  Who ever knows.

Out and back.

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Not sure.  Went to a meeting.  Not sure I am allowed to join, not sure I would if I could, looking into it.  I attended my first meeting.  Further, after, we had a small roundtable.  I told them this, and I told them that.  Nothing... untruthful.  As much as I know.  And, they said... maybe.

I need to round up some paperwork and pass it on.  I'll look yet tonight.  Might be able to find it all.  A bit worn out for it.  I went grocery shopping after.  A few things were needed.  I'd like to make another load of mayonnaise.  Ugh, forgot heavy cream.  The dairy didn't have any this last week, the cows gave out, gave up, or quit giving... some such.  They had some milk though?

But I don't need milk, I need cream.  Oh, should have asked if his wife would separate some.  I think he said she can do that, knows how, does it for themselves sometimes.  I just don't... quite trust myself to do that.  It never worked rightly when I tried.  They can keep the skim milk, I... have zero use, need, or want for it.  There is some payoff for doing it.  Though, perhaps, there simply wasn't enough cream in the milk to do that?  Dunno.  I'll have to get cream soon.  Hmm... sooner than I thought?

I need it for this week.  I bought real french roast coffee, whole bean.  And am using my french press to make small little bits of it.  A quart of cream should last five presses a day, if I could drink that much.  As is, just having one to three a day, at most.  Skipping some days.  Love that stuff.  Sometimes.  Much better caffeine charge.  Not sure the dehydrated, freeze dried, or whatnot coffee has caffeine.  Ugh.

An owl out there, hooting from time to time.  Oh, no, not a bother.  I... like living out here for just such reasons.  I love the sound, like the idea.

Oh... have to wait on mayo.  My kefir production came to a halt.  So busy I lost track, and it, to my mind, went bad.  I did order new doses of the stuff, since I hadn't set up containers for the grains.  So hadn't stored any fresh grains back.  I did buy storebought milk, and got the new grains in today, so set it up when I returned home.  But that will take a week or two.

Which means dressings of that sort are out as well.  I cold make a container of vinnaigrette, balsamic vinaigrette, or several of those types.  Ugh.  Yes, I need some heavy cream.  For several things.  I really want to try mascarpone cheese.  Though, even with that, I'd like to add a bit of kefir, to see if it helps it last longer as well.  Works with mayo, I can tell you that.

I did look at kefir, at the store.  No.  Not even plain.  High sugar, some added, lots of other ingredients.  No.  I found greek yogurt that would do, but I prefer kefir.  Not sure yogurt of any sort would work.

Oh, and I had thought about a meal on the way home, but saw steak for less than the meal I was planning.  Actually two, for one and a half the price.  So I picked those up.  I'll cook one tonight, have a potato with it, and call it good.  It's been a long time since I've had a steak.  It was on sale, but I looked it over very closely.  I hope it is good.  Ugh.

Later.

Up, and doing well.

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Got a good deal of things done yesterday.  Never did a thing more after that last post.  Just worn out.  Now to get that last bunch of dishes either washed then rinsed, or washed, a shower, then reset.  We'll see.

It has been mostly sunny today.  Didn't matter, couldn't wake up.  Just noticed, looked out a few times, waking from time to time through my sleep.  It is 35 F, this morning, so thawing a bit more out there.  Still, this is rather cool.  This is more like what Idaho used to be like at this time of the year, I can... sense it.  So, not unlivable, but rather frosty.

I am still always a bit surprised with showering.  having very short hair is so very different from having long hair.  The drying time, and messing around washing it while shower... it now takes a dot of shampoo, twice if I want to be peculiarly clean... which I usually do.  And drying?  I step out, blot off with the towel, and while brushing and shaving, the hair finishes.  I have extremely fine hair, though too.  Pretty much baby hair.

While I didn't get as much as hoped, I am not done with the week.  If I am slow, so be it.  I will keep at it.  I have a lot of things I want to do.  Further, I think I can keep at it, working harder three to four days a week, working lighter a few more days a week, with a day or two down.  I think so.

After these first efforts?  The bathroom, a general cleaning.  It's in fairly good shape, just needs a bit more.  Sweeping and mopping first.  Then a touchup of the toilet and sink.  It's mostly clean, just needs... final touches.  Then, I am hoping, some work in the hall next to it.  Clearing, cobwebs if needed, sweeping, and mopping out there too.

If I have more, then a start in on boxes.  Tearing them down, stacking them out into the hatch, and sorting a few things.  Food between now and then, just a salad, maybe a tuna salad?  Something easy, light.  Oh, I'll put the final bag in the final trash can, for in here in the computer room.  Always something.

Dreams.  So many dreams.  Not keeping them, just having them in long stretches, by the bundles.  All good, I suppose.  Nothing severe, or interesting.  Just... the normal sort of dreams.  Other than that one that really hooked me the other day.  I only have pay attention to normal dreams, like when I used to watch the television in the background, or listen to the radio, when doing some hobby or project or studying.  Probably the worst way to attend mass disinformation outputs though, your defenses are down.

Later.

Plans.

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Not all the parts, pieces, and tools... but some of them.  All the sink tools and parts I need are ordered and either on the way or in the basket, the rollers and tools for changing the garage door parts to a smaller degree, and some understanding of how to deal with the rails, plus oiling and greasing.  A few of the parts for the bathroom vent, though just the start of that are either in the basket or in the queue for the next basket.  Oh, and a smaller sheet metal bending tool, by which I hope to do some work on the furnace.  No, not replacing the whole thing, or yet.  Just changing some things in hopes of getting the filter to set in there more correctly.  Yea.

I haven't just been thinking and ordering.  I have been working and cooking too.  A dinner, nothing fancy but food.  Gaming a bit, when I couldn't work.  Four loads of laundry through, mostly folded save for the last load... which is drying now.  The freezertop finally cleared and cleaned off.  One load of dishes finished, dried, and our air drying.  And two loads of dishes hit once, soaped up, and about to be hit when next I can get to it.

The hope is to check laundry in an hour.  Probably resetting that.  Wools, so on fluff.  Takes those forever.  Might have to go up justa notch, if two cycles won't do it.  And, after checking those, hitting the dishes.  Just mason jars from kefir that went bad, to storage of coffee beans that weren't good anymore, to a jar in which I had made a vinaigrette, then used, but set aside and it got... lost in the shuffle.  Anyway, I have two small dishpans full of quart jars and lids.  They have had one cleaning, might need two more.  Tonight?  I hope so.

Either way, I am hoping to either finish them, or give them another run, then set them aside to shower, then put them in for another soapy soak or rinse.  Finish them tonight?  Maybe.

It's been a decent, but slow day.  No terrible pains, if still a bit rough.  Mostly just slogged down by the continueing cold, damp, and dark.  Looks like it's to 28, and that it snowed a bit... or rained and froze?  Can't be certain.  I was busy, not watching, when it went frosted or snowy.

Not a bad gig.  Heck, I even ordered bathroom sink drains for my brother.  I sent him catch baskets.  Because that is what I knew when I sent them.  After getting the push plug for the bathroom, and realizing how easy that went in, I decided to send him some of those.  Hey, I can't do much for him.  But if a few little things lightens his efforts, I can do that.  It's often really just the... little things.

A good day.  Not as much as I had hoped.  I didn't get digging into the bathroom, or the hall.  I still haven't bagged the last bin... though I will get that.  There are other things I had an eye on.  Though, I did do a few things which weren't planned, simply in the way when I got to what else I was doing.  So it isn't a complete loss, or as little as it seems.  Still, not... as much as I had hoped.  I'm grateful to have done what I did though even so.  I have been wanting to get these things done for days, maybe a week.  If I really did have too much else on my plate.

Yea.  Good.  Very good.  I'll just be thankful for what I could do.  Goodnight.

Well, moving along.

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Two loads of laundry fully dried, out, and folded if not put away quite yet.  A final load, a very small one, in the dryer now.  One load of dishes rinsing, two soaking for a wash.  A few other little things, if I can't remember what.  Can't but trip over chores, tasks, and else needing to be done around here, currently.  Actually, always.  I've never been caught up since I moved in.

Still, I think I'll try to do a bit more.  First, something to eat and some gaming... just to... try to get some energy and to rest a bit.  Then rebagging a waste basket or two.  Maybe breaking down some boxes.  Perhaps working in the bathroom and hall.  I've been keeping up on parts of the bathroom.  Cleaning the sink, or toilet, or getting dirty laundry out, but the whole thing needs hit, just more lightly.  Sweeping and mopping would be good.

Not sure what I will be able to get done, but could get a number of things going.  Finished?  Do... you ever finish?  I don't think so.  But, maybe a few minor areas caught up?  I can hope.  I'll sit, often, while working.  While my legs are doing better, just a bit rusty, I don't want to push them.

It has stopped raining.  It is still overcast, ready to lay down some sort of smack at any moment again.  It is trying to warm up out there.  It is like it knows it should be warmer, it just can't quite get there yet.  I still have the feeling we might get hit, hard, with a final big snow, or two?  Can't be sure, just a feeling, sense.  Would be okay to be wrong.

The bloody nose from last night restarted this morning.  It just won't stop.  Stupid thing.  Oh well.  On to the rest of the day.  Later.

Slightly rusty today.

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I finally woke up at 15:08.   I went done at eight or slighty after.  Was, and wasn't, trying to stretch my day, to push on through.  It almost more happened, if it was on my mind to do so.  I just did what I did, without much actual input?  Yes.  I didn't have a whole lot of choice, not matter what I thought.  And I was split in my thinking on the matter anyway.  So... yes and no?

It seems to have continued raining.  Off and on, though, too.  Sometimes I heard the pitters and patters of raindrops.  Sometimes I didn't.  It was up to 34 F when I woke, so at least it isn't down into freezing as it rains.  I brought the trash barrel back from the curb, to get a better feel.  Well, 34 and wet.  Go figure.  But sometimes that feels colder or warmer?  Today it... felt... just like it shoul.

The legs are doing better.  I went without compression last night.  My legs needed a bit of a break, got it.  Must have had a massive bloody nose last night.  Couldn't wake, and don't remember it.  But, too, didn't drain all out.  I must have rolled onto my back, subconsciously or semiconsciously... but forgotten if every somewhat know.  Thankfully, as no mess to contend with this morning.

Just a bit rusty, as mentioned.  Legs are still tight, still a bit tired, but certainly have had worse even just in the last days.  Much worse.  Doing well, with all the givens.  The cold isn't helping.  Even at just above freezing, it is rather cold.  And that is getting to me.

Sassy has been fed, a load of laundry is getting a finishing touch in the dryer, then I'll put the last load into the dryer.  Hopefully a shower before too long.  As well, a start on dishes, and the freezertop.  Bit by bit, it is hoped.  No guarantees, just some probables and maybes.

I have been looking at a few things.  While considering redoing the bath, after getting the septic tank flushed and checked, which will have to wait until snow is gone and I can find the tank?  Right.  But, after that, I would like to paint or otherwise work on the tub to get it clean, leveled, and regrout the lip of the front of the tub.  The rest of the grouting is good.  As well, I would like to consider replacing the parts and bits of the drain system, and get a new... push stopper... in.  Clean up or replace the other parts while at it.

So, I have been looking.  And, more.  I am considering installign a vent fan, heater, and light unit in the shower.  There is a window right there.  But that is impossible to use in the winter.  Somewhat of a trick, as snow likes to build up right above the shower.  And along that whole section of the roof.  Though, with a bit of a stretch, I could move it over to where it is less of an issue.

I, at first, worried a bit about the electrical.  But, then I realized I could just put in new components while simply reusing the old electrical.  It won't take all that much, and is rated at 120v and 15 amps.  Which... is what the bathroom is wired for.  I just just replace the overhead light, basically.

There would be some learning.  But I want to learn anyway.  I really want to get a stove fan installed as well.  That requires installing a three-way socket, which shouldn't be difficult with wiring from something else up there, probably right off the overhead lighting in the kitchen, or some such.

Anyway, I am looking at pieces, parts, and pricing.  Just using amazon as a plasterboard.  Will probably buy locally, and talk to folks while I am gearing and parting up.  Somethings I could go with amazon, such as metal crimpers, perhaps insulated flexible ducting, and foil tape, and such.  Things I would be much less likely to need to return.  That can be such a pain.

No hurry.  And it won't be doable until the snow is gone and the world warms just a bit... if too before it gets to hot if I plan on doing that this year.  The nice thing about installing the fan in the bathroom is that would set me up for installing a vent hood in the kitchen.  Slightly different, but not impossibly out of the range.

Or... I am just dreaming.  But, yes, I would like to do that.  If I do that, I might also get one installed in the other bathroom?  Maybe.  It would, pretty much, be the same thing.  Only snow doesn't build up as high on that slope of the roof, facing south as that one would.

Dreaming little dreams.  But, gee, these things are expensive.  Not grandly, but... hundreds of dollars, several to double that.  The work itself, mostly, isn't all that difficult.  It's the parts, doing it correctly, and the work.  Working through a steel roof is a bit... more work than shingles.  If there are more advantages, otherwise, for steel roofs.  Including sealing back much better... if done correctly.  But the work is quite a bit more difficult.

Well, and I keep finding other projects... like fixing up the garage door.  I never did get an electric lift on it.  Might consider that, before too long.  Dunno.  Money, of course, is always an issue.  But, there are a lot of tasks I might be able to hit.  Actually, I already have hit... three or four in the last few weeks... months.  Oh, and I would like to redo the sink drains, put in pop-ups in those as well, with screens which can be emptied.  Yes.  Bit by bit.  Thoughts.  Ideas... all dependent on money.  Later.

To bed?

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Almost five.  Just couldn't sleep.  Why though?  A small part?  I... was waiting for it to snow.  Really.  I was all but sure it would turn to snow.  At about two, though, it had warmed, to 31.  And was still raining.  But the icing had diminished.  Though, just now I went and looked.  I didn't check the temp, but... it's snowing!  I... knew it would.  Suprised it took so long.

Though, that wasn't the real reason, or majority of the reason, I am still awake.  My legs.  After two days of serious pain, tonight has been pleasant.  Two painpills when I woke up.  So those have worn off.  The compression socks, thigh high, and warm knee high cottons, with shoes and warmer clothes on, has really helped.

Oh, there is still some ache in there.  From time to time.  But they don't hurt most of the time, even when I get up or sit down.  Mostly sitting, albeit.  Not pushing.  I did some cooking.  I did a bit of bending and kneeling, while getting trash and recycling together and out, and a few other minor things.  But I have been going easy on the legs.

I have been enjoying the lack of pain.  It's... so rare.  And, again, my heart doesn't hurt, or feel worn, tired.  That is so unusual.  It does give mild pause, concern.  I have lived with a tired heart, a broken heart, for so long... I'm just not used to the lack of pain or weariness.  I have died three times.  Toward the end, pain always ceased.  Or... that is how I remember it.  Makes me nervous.  None of the other... symptoms match up.  Not terribly worried, just a bit worried, slightly concerned, and just a bit bamboozled.  We'll see, I guess.  Or... not.  If I die, only, here, you might know.  If... you know me.

No worries.  Life, or death, are gifts from God.  Both.  Might not think so now.  But, you probably, if you had had a choice, would not have chosen to be birthed.  My guess is that was... quite a horrible thing.  Which is why we don't remember it.  At least, having died a few times, I'm not so... petrified about the event.  I just hope it isn't a stroke or heart attack which disables me, so that I die of thirst.  Though... it could be.  Though, even that?  Well, I know it only goes on for just so long.  My problem is I seem to be able to survive a very long time with very little for inputs.  I have slept for days, without water.  I know it is possible.  How long conscious?  I don't know.  Still, as mentioned, I know there is a limit.  If, too, time, when ill, is... very strange.  Hours can seem like days, days like months, without a way of accounting.  Time can stretch, or seem to.

So, days and nights are in a bit of a spin.  Staying awake wasn't just a problem of tonight.  It has been going that way for a bit.  Extra effort has begun the process.  Though the warming teases, then cooling, have frustrated my attempts to adjust.  The cool makes it difficult to fight.  I'll keep working on... digging in, trying to keep to days, or pushing on through the night.  If, most likely, for now, I may be stuck with a slow grind around the clock.

Oh well.  To bed before too long.  Goodnight.

Raining.

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While freezing.  I got the trash out, and to the curb.  It had been raining much of the night, so far.  Continuing.  Drizzle, rain, drops, but steadily one of those.  I had hoped that meant it was warmer out there.  And, while 28, not... warm enough.  And, yes, as I put the trash and recycling in their barrels, I realized they were freezing.  A sandy texture.

It wasn't too slick getting the barrel to the curb.  I wasn't testing for it, or pushing it though either.  Just didn't notice, at a slow pace.  Legs are feeling better, but I didn't want to test that.  And, I did have concern about it being slick.  I just didn't want to go down, or have to get back up.

I keep looking at vidoes, about working on the tub.  Some are rather negative, harsh.  Others seem to suggest that it's okay.  I'm not sure at this point.  Of course, replacing tubs?  They only sell the worst of materials these days.  They won't last.  I can only imagine some of those mcmantions, in a few years or decades of time.  The plastic tubs will break, and shower pans.  Who knows what else will simply fail because they used the cheapest modern materials, assuming that whoever lives in them can afford, and be required to afford, redoing whole sections of their houses every few years.

While my house is old, it generally has held up and was built to last, as were components of it.  There are risks, problems, and it sure isn't new.  But it has lasted over a century.  I'm not sure most modern houses will last half that.  Then again, with how neighborhoods go, in major urban areas, people won't live in those neighborhoods for very long.  They just move when the going gets rough, sell as they can on the way out, and then the places turn into... Detroit.

Though there are a lot of mcmansions here and there, or in little odd cutouts of land.  I suppose the land could fill in, or become valuable and scarce enough that it would be worth tearing down the old to build the new.  If that depends more on a stable a economy and the demographic numbers and percentage of good paying jobs to do so.  I'm... not counting on much.

How long did it really take to recover from the last Great Depression?  Remember, though, that was just America.  This time it will be a world-wide event.  China is preparing for it.  Russia has no choice, but the first in may well be the first out.  Further, the rest of the world is breaking away from the US and Europe.  For good reason.  Latin America, Asia, the Middle East, even Africa if they are just borrowing what they can't afford from whoever, for a few more minutes of fame for their illustrious leaders.

Some of it is rough.  Africa doesn't understand how rough it will get.  While the US and Europe have been... slightly genocidal?  China won't be so gentle.  And their leaders won't have a choice.  Most of them don't.  I don't know, it will get ugly.  Of course, I don't think China realizes just how ugly Africa is.  It eats anything of tech or steel or modernity thrown at it.  They might think they could own it, colonize.  It... just... doesn't work.  That land is magic, will eat everything evil sent it's way.  It is... a greater evil.  It through processes all the shit, of one sort or another, of the world.  And... just... remains what it is.  Any Chinese invasion would turn into... fodder, but not just for the ones living there, but for the continent itself.  Africa isn't stuck with the Chinese, the Chinese are stuck with Africa.  Have no fear on that account.  Besides, what was it they say?  If you owe the bank a hundred dollars, on a $10 a year income, the bank owns you.  If you owe the bank trillions, on a $10 dollar a year income, you own the bank.  China... just... can't do it.  *grins*  Takes a devil to see these things.  They really must be atheist enough to try to prove it?  I came to God, but I've... been there.

Still, many of the "dirt people" are gathering their... whatever they have, and moving on.  They... won't win, can't.  But they don't have to be the whipping children of the dreadnaught nations either.  And, for that, I salute them.  Stay home, stop accepting the filthy culture, and greed and other vices that come from it.  Find God, or even a proper pagan system that works for them.  It's better than much of the unGodly religion being pushed on them.  Certainly better than the culture that seems to come with much of the false Christianity.  At least they know that family and child birth is more important than new cars, bigger houses, unsustainable tech, and intrusive evil governance.  

We'll see.  But, yes, they are choosing a different path.  As to America?  It is no longer about Americans.  Are there even Americans left?  Of any kind?  Natives are pretty much done.  Even if everyone left, they... would just go back to tribal wars, squatting the land to destruction, and using war to keep the numbers down enough to survive.  And the Americans who claimed the name have pretty much burned out.  Couldn't replace themselves if they tried, at this point.  Just another minority, now.  Not sure if I will live to see how this works out, but it won't be pretty, no matter who wins.  And, no matter who wins, I will most likely lose.  A native American, twice over, I guess.  No side to be on.  Ha.

Well... on to... bed?  Not quite.  I did have supper.  It wasn't great.  But it was... something.  I would like to fry and store the burger, but just can't get to it.  And, don't have a container to put it in... not clean.  Can't quite get to dishes, either.  I did some laundry, will do a bit more.  It's as much as I can do.  Later, or goodnight.

A few tricks.

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Trying to minimize pain, I tried three different things.  Some seemed contrary, if doing the opposite wasn't helping at all.  This, that, and the other.  And?  It is working.  Oh, the pain is still there.  It is being kept at bay, or from fully being felt.  A bit of a trick.  What is it... treating the symptoms... right.  When you can't sort out the source, or manage it, then manage what can be manipulated.

It took a while for everything to come together.  The warming of the legs, which is always tricky.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it causes them to be more frigid.  It... just has to work or not.  Today it worked.  Compression, along with warming, was part of the trick.  This is where I wondered if it might cause more pain than comfort.  Today, it is helping both the warming and pain relief that had been hoped, and sometimes does, sometimes doesn't, help.  And, finally, a few painkillers.  The lightest dose of the strongest stuff I carry.

It is working, together.  The legs still get really cranky when standing or sitting, but not so terriblys as to fear... be susceptible to... falling.  Just... that process hurts.  Even so, I am able to be up and to things just a bit better.

I am making supper.  Corned beef, potatoes, carrots, and I'll hit some extra veggies shortly.  Broccoli, most likely.  It'll be ready in, perhaps, thirty five minutes?  Should be good.  And, a bit ago, I purchased french roast whole coffee beans.  I had a sip a bit ago, run through the french press.  Will have another spot of that shortly.  Not large amounts, just... about a regular cup size, if much stronger than a usual cup of coffee.  And, with a spot of whole cream.  Just right.  The caffeine is much more present than tea, or even dehydrated coffee in a larger volume.  Though perhaps I cut that a bit much, or it is too bitter?  Something.

As well, I am collecting trash and recycling.  I won't have enough to take out, or... not really.  May do so with the trash though.  As things begin to warm, the odor becomes a problem.  Best to just take even one sack of trash out than to have it smell up the place.  It got to, at least, 34 today.  Enough above freezing to begin working the ground and snow.  Hopefully that will allow some soaking as things thaw.  We could use a lot of water down in there.  Still, rather cool for this late in March.  I'll take it, especially if we can get more water, and into the ground, and to stay and be used elsewise.  If I think tptb would rather opt out of storing more water, or... doing anything.  

They are being watched, now, finally.  Though that doesn't seem to matter.  They will bail out the corrupt and leave the rest to drown.  Already starting.

Dinner is almost ready.  Good day.

I had hoped to be better today.

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The goal was to find a way to make it to mass.  But, no.  No, no, no.  Standing is still tricky.  Sitting is still a spooky thing.  So far I haven't fallen while sitting.  But it is taking every bit of arm strength I have to keep that from happening, and balancing ability.  The chair, either, could easily tip if the strength I can bear isn't balanced against whichever chair correctly.  Oh, and going to the bathroom is worse.  It's lower.  At least it can't slip out from under me... probably.  Or... as easily.  I suspect, at nearly three hundred, I can... dislodge a toilet without too much fuss if I really wanted to, or serioulsy lost my balance.

No, the legs hurt still.  And are weak.  Getting better, but not there yet.  I didn't sleep well for them.  Tossing, turning, too hot, too cold, all night.

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I dreamed.  While I don't believe in... soothesayers, in this dream there was one I heard about.  One who... spoke true.  I could tell.  Though, too, I suspected she wasn't... what she seemed.  She was in my village.  But I kept missing meeting her.  She left just before I entered whereever she was practicing... her arts.  And, she was gone in a flash.

The longer this went on, the more I suspected she knew... much.  She knew me.  Avoiding?  Or... waiting for... some sign, portent, or word from God?  She definitely wasn't what she seemed.  Others saw her as an average looking middle-aged woman.  A bit past her prime.  So, that is what I was looking for.

She had various forms of soothesaying.  I had wanted a certain form of it.  When I finally found her, I noticed two things.  First, she wasn't... what she was said to be.  She was beautiful and sort of ageless.  I couldn't understand, at first, how others could see her the way they did.  Second, she wouldn't soothesay the way I prefered.  And, really, the third thing was... she did know me.  She was kin, of a sort... my sort.  While I was of spirit and flesh, she was purely spirit.  This I saw easily... know my own.  Probably why she hid from me for the longest time... allowing the Ghost to... inform me, caution me, and such.  Not... against her.  More that I would approach her rightly, and consider things with caution.  Some things shouldn't be shared, spoken, with the... others.  The normals.  And so it was.

She let me know what I already suspected.  An angel, to be sure... messenger.  She was giving out messages to some in the area.  I was an... inconvenience.  Though, still, through my insistance, and potency of my nature, she eventually relented... to speak with me.  Give me a reading, but only of the sort she saw fit.

In a roundabout way, she let me know my dreams, and other inspired notions, were true.  Without saying it in a way any other would understand, she let me know I was... War... insurrection.  That my time had come and passed and would come again, in time, for a final time.  And, begrudgingly, she let me know that my works were... blessed.  A gift to the children of God, not a curse.  Only a curse to the worldly, those who had chosen... a path not to God, of God, but of another.

Though, too, she assured me something I already knew.  The path was not going to be easy, gentle, right, nor secure.  Without depending on Wisdom, my path might still be righteous, and do it's task, but that I might yet be lost on it.  Though, further, she assured that such was not the intent of the One who sent me on the path.  Nor was it guaranteed.  As with any, choices, if well made, would secure salvation or ensure destruction... or a form of those.

---------

I tell you, some dreams are... more than dreams.  This certainly felt like more than just a dream.  That "woman" was... more than a dream character.  She knew me, in and out of the dream.  I dream awake, I know a dream, inside sleep and out of it.  It is my way.  She knew much.  She was a truth sharer, and real, and of herself, not me.  She was alive in the dream.  

There were... other things she said.  For my ears only.  

Terrifying?  How terrifying is salvation?  Damnation, for the damnable, is... understood.  Not... fully, or they wouldn't do it.  It is a form of immortal suicide.  But salvation?  For one who sat at the table, if not a party to it fully... only it's fruits?  Nose-bleed, spinning world, change of whole being, terrifying.  I assure you.  Losing a wrong family, for a right one, if not understanding how that could be, that sort of horrifying.  And, yet... so peace-bringing.  But peace, to a creature of war?  I doubt if you can understand.  To see the light is difficult for a creature borne of darkness.  But there is something so... good about it.  Like seeing the beauty of the crucifixion.  A vast horror brought to light, made whole, good, great, divine.

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Not much more I can say about that.  Though, another dream.  Something about explaining my caddish behavior.  Not... accepting it, just a discussion, with the wife... or good female friend... of one of my brothers.  He listened in the background.  He... has... lived his life, too.  Sometimes wrongly, or rightly, but... he listened intently while myself and this woman spoke.

In spite of all my ills, I... wanted children, a wife, and such.  I wanted to be a party to that, but... between this and that, it wasn't a possibility which fully presented itself.  Traveling, doing, going, etc.  Though, too, what brought me to such ways, and what took away some possibilities.  From health, to death, mine, hers, and else.

As mentioned, though, I always wanted just the plain, simple, boring(?), frustrating family thing.  I knew I couldn't do it perfectly.  I knew I would mess up.  I only hoped to find a woman would could abide, and be abided in her... ways, right and wrong.  It's never easy.  It just didn't happen.  Probably couldn't have, to this point.  Some very slim chance of something akin to it taking place, but... you... never know.

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And, in that same dream, back to swimming?  We'll see.  It was, I felt, a call more than prophecy.  We'll see.

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Painpills today.  The legs really do hurt.  But the hurt... is... a better hurt.  Probably worse than before, much as it is often darker just before dawn?  Something like that, or I hope.

I am planning on making corned beef.  The only real problem is I don't have cabbage!  I had planned to pick it up when buying butter, but forgot.  Then thought I would get it on the way home, but was far too shot for that.  I do have cauliflower and broccoli.  So, maybe that would work?

Oh, and a few vids which... got me thinking.  Not sure about the one, or all of it?  I really would like try the trio.  The tie one I will definitely try the next time I need to tie a tie.  The others I really am thinking on.  Men and tricks.  Trying to do it the easy way, if there never is an easy way... save accidentally, sometimes.  But... all good.  Later.