.
.
I happened to be goofing, then I turned on the tube for some background sound. After flicking through the channels, I landed on something that sounded interesting. Then I became interested enough to actually watch occasionally. Then, I became glued to the darned thing. I started watching something about an accident. The story, as I was finding out, dealt with an accident in which several people were killed and several were injured. Two of the young women in the accident seem to have been mistakenly identified. One had died the other had been severely injured. The families are interviewed, long after the fact, and yet you can see the trauma. The pain they felt then creeps into the now of the time of the interview. How much they lost, the mother’s, father’s, and sisters is incredible. And then I realized something. As painful as it seemed, I am absolutely sure none of them would have rather not had the daughter. How much love must there be to, without any contest, to go through that kind of pain rather than not?
I know that wealth of grace is something I desire. I do not lust for it. I do not wish to own it, as I see from the interviews it is not something that is owned. I only wish to see it myself. I somehow do not think I will go through that sort of pain, necessarily, though I know there will be pain. I will never be able to love without pain, and great pain. It is a part of the deal. But, should I find a way to a full home and great love and lose it all, I know I will still have been a richer man by far. With faith, I also know I will have pleased my God, if I would also begrudge Him their presence.
I have already known loss. I have lost so many. Some of those were too close too lose. I have died with those. Even those who were not that close took little pieces of me. Friends, kin, and blood, lost. I cry, even now, when I forget not to go too far. And yet, I think my children would be closer than anything I have know, as well as my spouse, if in a slightly different way. Sometimes I wonder if I ask for more than I should. I wonder how much more I can lose, how much more I should risk losing. Still, that is precisely what I beg.
I think I will pray for all parents. Whether they must suffer the loss of a child or not, I only pray that they may know the worth of what they have and let that lead them to be the best parents they can be. I pray that their leadership guides their children to right choices. What an amazing gift they have been given. I hope they do not have the hubris to think they were the makers. I hope they understand, regardless of probability, they did not choose, they are not able to make such choices. They only opened themselves up to such an event, wisely or not. The child is, of it’s own accord, as God has allowed. An amazing grace.
If this makes me a fool, if it should come to fruition, I will be a happy fool.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Sick
.
.
Sick, not as in the term cool, this means unhealthy. The first week of school was very difficult. The work was not that bad, I was only taking 3 classes, now down to 2 classes, yet I could not seem to get going. I finally figured it out. Monday I started suffering the sniffles. I had a noticeable cough by last Friday. Then it dawned on me, I was sick. I was very sick. I took my temp, 99 to 100 F. I think I was sick all of last week and most of this week. I am still weak, tired, and concentration is difficult.
I made it through the weeks though. I attended all but one class. I have completed my homework to date. And I think I did ok on the quiz Friday. I have not been working out or swimming. I really need to get back to it. I have been getting up early, before 6:00 most days, even knowing I would not be going swimming. I have also been trying to make sure to eat twice a day. I would like to add a breakfast, but I think I will wait until I begin swimming again. It was such a tough few weeks, I could not figure it out. I think I was pretty sick, odd that I did not realize it.
The illness was not all of it. My fears had crept in. Being in 100 people plus classes, walking from class to class through large crowds, worry about understanding, trying to study through the seeming boredom, worry about testing, and things like that add to the difficulty. I think boredom, in these cases and for me, is just a form of exhaustion caused from ill use of my facilities in these matters. Yes, my brain just gets tired. I think, once I get my feet under me again, I will do fine. Actually, I am doing fine. I was just struggling with more than I knew.
I keep running into political notions, few of which are worth my time. I am coming around to the idea that voting for McStupid may be the only practical and realistic option. He is moderate, he will do no better than President Bush regarding illegal aliens, Supreme Court justices (beyond, I do not think he can be forced to make the right decision with the judiciary), U.N. involvements, quota and preferential treatment (obviously, I think he has something kinky going with his mom?), and any of a dozen other issues. In these, he will be little different from Obomber. I am no more enamored of his international style than I am of either President Bush or Obomber. President Bush was overly cautious (and perhaps optimistic). McCain would be even more timid, and worse, a bit more regimented. He would forget that he is president and try to play general (where Obomber would just do things, like Clinton, which unwisely and unnecessarily endanger our troops purely out of spite for being a geek, snob, and loser who never could have cut it, without quotas, in the service).
What does McStupid bring to the game? He is not AS leftist as Obomber. He would not, after being attacked like on 9/11, decide to ask what concessions could be made to his friends and family, I mean the enemy, so as to become friends. He is not quite as anti-business, though I think his whole green platform is outrageous, anti-business and anti-American in it’s notion and implementation. His reforms, to date, seem based on stripping the Constitutional rights of citizens to free speech, plugging up outside sources of income for the political processes (which the left immediately dodged, while conservatives are just catching up, great reform… just makes sure only those which can afford a law firm, pressure groups, PACs, and special interest groups behind them can run, thanks McIdiot!). Well, there are a few things, somewhere.
He is as good of a solution as a spare tire. He is a little short, a little odd, not up to par, not up to speed, but he will not roll backwards (or very far very fast). Obomber is a set of race car tires… which magically only go the opposite direction the driver needs to go. They might as well have Malcom X (yes, I know how the idiot actually spelled his name) up for election. And, honestly, as long as he was black, I do not think the left would care who or what he stands for, except Clarence Thomas… they want an Uncle Tom, nothing else will do. They ARE voting for color, and the least of it. They even believe he is “beautiful”. I bet they love the orcs in Lord of the Rings, too.
I might have been sick, but at least I am not grumpy.
.
Sick, not as in the term cool, this means unhealthy. The first week of school was very difficult. The work was not that bad, I was only taking 3 classes, now down to 2 classes, yet I could not seem to get going. I finally figured it out. Monday I started suffering the sniffles. I had a noticeable cough by last Friday. Then it dawned on me, I was sick. I was very sick. I took my temp, 99 to 100 F. I think I was sick all of last week and most of this week. I am still weak, tired, and concentration is difficult.
I made it through the weeks though. I attended all but one class. I have completed my homework to date. And I think I did ok on the quiz Friday. I have not been working out or swimming. I really need to get back to it. I have been getting up early, before 6:00 most days, even knowing I would not be going swimming. I have also been trying to make sure to eat twice a day. I would like to add a breakfast, but I think I will wait until I begin swimming again. It was such a tough few weeks, I could not figure it out. I think I was pretty sick, odd that I did not realize it.
The illness was not all of it. My fears had crept in. Being in 100 people plus classes, walking from class to class through large crowds, worry about understanding, trying to study through the seeming boredom, worry about testing, and things like that add to the difficulty. I think boredom, in these cases and for me, is just a form of exhaustion caused from ill use of my facilities in these matters. Yes, my brain just gets tired. I think, once I get my feet under me again, I will do fine. Actually, I am doing fine. I was just struggling with more than I knew.
I keep running into political notions, few of which are worth my time. I am coming around to the idea that voting for McStupid may be the only practical and realistic option. He is moderate, he will do no better than President Bush regarding illegal aliens, Supreme Court justices (beyond, I do not think he can be forced to make the right decision with the judiciary), U.N. involvements, quota and preferential treatment (obviously, I think he has something kinky going with his mom?), and any of a dozen other issues. In these, he will be little different from Obomber. I am no more enamored of his international style than I am of either President Bush or Obomber. President Bush was overly cautious (and perhaps optimistic). McCain would be even more timid, and worse, a bit more regimented. He would forget that he is president and try to play general (where Obomber would just do things, like Clinton, which unwisely and unnecessarily endanger our troops purely out of spite for being a geek, snob, and loser who never could have cut it, without quotas, in the service).
What does McStupid bring to the game? He is not AS leftist as Obomber. He would not, after being attacked like on 9/11, decide to ask what concessions could be made to his friends and family, I mean the enemy, so as to become friends. He is not quite as anti-business, though I think his whole green platform is outrageous, anti-business and anti-American in it’s notion and implementation. His reforms, to date, seem based on stripping the Constitutional rights of citizens to free speech, plugging up outside sources of income for the political processes (which the left immediately dodged, while conservatives are just catching up, great reform… just makes sure only those which can afford a law firm, pressure groups, PACs, and special interest groups behind them can run, thanks McIdiot!). Well, there are a few things, somewhere.
He is as good of a solution as a spare tire. He is a little short, a little odd, not up to par, not up to speed, but he will not roll backwards (or very far very fast). Obomber is a set of race car tires… which magically only go the opposite direction the driver needs to go. They might as well have Malcom X (yes, I know how the idiot actually spelled his name) up for election. And, honestly, as long as he was black, I do not think the left would care who or what he stands for, except Clarence Thomas… they want an Uncle Tom, nothing else will do. They ARE voting for color, and the least of it. They even believe he is “beautiful”. I bet they love the orcs in Lord of the Rings, too.
I might have been sick, but at least I am not grumpy.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Drats!
.
.
Everything is closed today, right? Funny. I can get some extra studying done. I will not be able to swim or complete my administrative functions at school. I do have my drop and change slips printed and ready, all I need is to get those signed and turned in. Over this weekend I copied my notes for legibility and as a form of study, looked over the material generally, and continued with my pre-study materials as well (now just additional study material, of course). I can continue my studies today. And, of course, I can lift weights. Talk about a false start though, I was up and rearing to go, a bit early to top it off. Still, it is good to be up and going. Now to see if I can do it the rest of the week.
I will no longer be discussing politics. There is no reason to do so. I am fully divested from the political factions available, for their part. And, I suppose, I should be pleased with this. I live completely by faith from now on, as the mechanisms of power have become dysfunctional within my grasp. I cannot say which candidate, short or long term, is worse, only that they are both less than tolerable. It causes me no small pain to have the last nail set to the coffin. I once had hope that men could choose wisely, could lead themselves rightly, and that Americans had become better and different under the Constitution. The men have been bought, selling themselves for a value less than their worth. The men have chosen the weak and women to lead. And the Constitution is not worth reading, it is no longer functional. What of it exists in law is akin to fountain pens, merely stylistic or nostalgic. It is simply an antique.
I have other things to do. So, I will not bemoan the loss of a real hope. The nation lasted more than 200 years, a benchmark set by an ancient Greek regarding democracies (though often falsely attributed to more recent folk). Men are idiots, and prove it when they have the chance. Power seeks it’s own council. And all things must pass. Unfortunately, or not, there is no place to go. As the light goes out here, so goes the last flicker of freedom in a very cold, dark, dangerous world. As with China, Germany, Russia, and the others, we are about to learn that we have more to fear from our own government than we ever will from other nations.
.
Everything is closed today, right? Funny. I can get some extra studying done. I will not be able to swim or complete my administrative functions at school. I do have my drop and change slips printed and ready, all I need is to get those signed and turned in. Over this weekend I copied my notes for legibility and as a form of study, looked over the material generally, and continued with my pre-study materials as well (now just additional study material, of course). I can continue my studies today. And, of course, I can lift weights. Talk about a false start though, I was up and rearing to go, a bit early to top it off. Still, it is good to be up and going. Now to see if I can do it the rest of the week.
I will no longer be discussing politics. There is no reason to do so. I am fully divested from the political factions available, for their part. And, I suppose, I should be pleased with this. I live completely by faith from now on, as the mechanisms of power have become dysfunctional within my grasp. I cannot say which candidate, short or long term, is worse, only that they are both less than tolerable. It causes me no small pain to have the last nail set to the coffin. I once had hope that men could choose wisely, could lead themselves rightly, and that Americans had become better and different under the Constitution. The men have been bought, selling themselves for a value less than their worth. The men have chosen the weak and women to lead. And the Constitution is not worth reading, it is no longer functional. What of it exists in law is akin to fountain pens, merely stylistic or nostalgic. It is simply an antique.
I have other things to do. So, I will not bemoan the loss of a real hope. The nation lasted more than 200 years, a benchmark set by an ancient Greek regarding democracies (though often falsely attributed to more recent folk). Men are idiots, and prove it when they have the chance. Power seeks it’s own council. And all things must pass. Unfortunately, or not, there is no place to go. As the light goes out here, so goes the last flicker of freedom in a very cold, dark, dangerous world. As with China, Germany, Russia, and the others, we are about to learn that we have more to fear from our own government than we ever will from other nations.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Stressed.
.
.
Last week was disappointing. I was not able to function as well as I had hoped. I did most of what I needed to do, I handled some of the changes, but I failed to do all or even most of what I wanted to do, planned to do, and some of what I needed to do. It was a tight week for me. I felt tired, mentally if not physically. I became confused and lost track of what I needed to do, when, and how. This means I have a bit more on my plate this week, along with the expectations from last week. Fear seems to invade my waking and sleeping life. It is not the classes, it is classes, workouts, administrative issues, social issues, and the complexities of the schedule which have me flummoxed. The classes are, if not simple, within my ability so far. They are, as it is turning out however, the tip of the iceburg.
I was becoming very agitated about these things through the week. I could not seem to catch my breath, relax, and find a new starting place. Sleep was escaping my grasp, yet without rest I was drowning in confusion. This weekend, as I began to unwind, to take stock, and to begin planning this next week, I found something good. I was able to realize I have not ruined anything. I see that I have kept track with the more important goals, the time sensitive ones at any rate. And, I see now what I must do and how to do it.
I will be starting this week very humbly. I will do what I can, when I can, and I should be able to finish the simpler tasks. As well, if needs be, rather than abandon those things which seem too heavy, I will reduce their load and see if that helps. I will stick to simple goals, I will continue as before only with the understanding that I am more limited than I had thought, currently, and that some of my activities take more from me than I had thought they would. Though I still have concern, having cleared my mind, rested, and pulled back a bit, I think I am ready to try again.
.
Last week was disappointing. I was not able to function as well as I had hoped. I did most of what I needed to do, I handled some of the changes, but I failed to do all or even most of what I wanted to do, planned to do, and some of what I needed to do. It was a tight week for me. I felt tired, mentally if not physically. I became confused and lost track of what I needed to do, when, and how. This means I have a bit more on my plate this week, along with the expectations from last week. Fear seems to invade my waking and sleeping life. It is not the classes, it is classes, workouts, administrative issues, social issues, and the complexities of the schedule which have me flummoxed. The classes are, if not simple, within my ability so far. They are, as it is turning out however, the tip of the iceburg.
I was becoming very agitated about these things through the week. I could not seem to catch my breath, relax, and find a new starting place. Sleep was escaping my grasp, yet without rest I was drowning in confusion. This weekend, as I began to unwind, to take stock, and to begin planning this next week, I found something good. I was able to realize I have not ruined anything. I see that I have kept track with the more important goals, the time sensitive ones at any rate. And, I see now what I must do and how to do it.
I will be starting this week very humbly. I will do what I can, when I can, and I should be able to finish the simpler tasks. As well, if needs be, rather than abandon those things which seem too heavy, I will reduce their load and see if that helps. I will stick to simple goals, I will continue as before only with the understanding that I am more limited than I had thought, currently, and that some of my activities take more from me than I had thought they would. Though I still have concern, having cleared my mind, rested, and pulled back a bit, I think I am ready to try again.
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