Getting ready.

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The goal is to finish the dishes already going, get another load going and washed, do two more loads of laundry to completion... one complete the other just needs finished drying and folded, another shower, and trash.  I think it is possible.  I won't be working on the mower, probably.

Tomorrow will be a light day.  Perhaps the mower, getting trash to the curb, cleaning up a few small spaces, areas.  I am hoping to go walking this Monday.  Plus hitting the bathroom.  Sleep is very off, but from day to day.  I am not stuck on third shift, I am stuck on swing shift.

Ugh.  Blood sugar was 225.  I will just let it run a few days, see what is happening, then go from there.  Later.

Not all of it.

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Two loads of laundry, one drying, one folded.  Dishes washed well, then set to a rinse.  A shower taken.  A very good thing.  It is about time to sleep, for a while.

Blood sugar, with nothing but tea, has risen.  Going to 139 then to 149 just now.  I am holding off insulin until... until... I am not sure.  It is being so strange.  Hmm, they haven't sent the other insulin.  I'll call about that Monday.  Definitely bedtime.  Good night.  Oh, I need to brush my teeth.  I've been doing pretty good at that for most of this last year.

Good night.

Odder yet.

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As mentioned, I stopped treating diabetes.  I continued to eat keto, at normal portions when it was time.  My last reading was 240 and 225, I measured twice as I couldn't understand, or more didn't believe it was that high after dosing while eating correctly. Two hours after those, blood sugar is at 116.  I did eat, and had a fatted tea.  BP remains pretty much unchanged.

Parts have arrived to put flasher/strobes on the riding lawn mower/plow.  Not for mowing, though good for driving through town early or late.  A project which should go smoothly.  I was careful with my purchases, kept the kit simple.  I am looking forward to working on it, probably tomorrow.

As well, a load of laundry was put through and dishes were reset to a fresh soak.  The cleaning system should make dishes a breeze.  There are parts for pots, pans, flatware, and just about everything but tiny or really delicate.  I don't have much of that.  What I might have will be retired by my new system.  *zoom zoom!*

Yea, I will get the dishes and laundry finished yet tonight, plus get a shower.  Later.

Blood sugar is just crazy.

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Bp is stupid too.  Bp is remaining above 150/100 if pulse is dropping closer to 70 each time.  I will cut the extra 3.125 mg tab.  That must be it, part of it.  Blood sugar is staying 225 or higher, eating correctly, dosing heavy or light.  I may stop the stuff for a few days, perhaps fast as well.  Nothing but solid keto in, doesn't make sense.

What is stranger is it does, randomly, drop.  Then without food or even tea, it will climb.  Or even when sleeping.  It is bedtime I do believe.  The ducks... I just closed them in when I found them in the coop, with food and water.  I will feed the girls as well, again.

Hmm, I may hit dishes.  The bottle cleaner has arrived.  Yeah, on a drill, it will strip scale, or other stuff.  I just hate scrungy glass.  Later, since I will be doing dishes.  Might as well reset them, and do a load of laundry.  Bleh.

Ill news.

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While napping, a call.  Neighbor son number three, letting me know one of my ducks was dead.  I... had a strange feeling earlier, woke me.  Wanted to check the ducks.  Couldn't fully wake to do so.  Even now knowing, I just wanted to go back to sleep.  If one was down, I suspected all would be down.

I couldn't sleep.  But I couldn't get going quickly either.  I was still tired.  I didn't want to see the one.  I didn't want to see them all, if dead.  Still, and in any case, I actually moved as quickly as possible toward the inevitable.  It took an hour, two?  Oddly, given all, that was quite fast.  I don't handle death well.

It was one of the hens.  She looked to have been run over while fleeing.  There were no marks, or feathers.  She sure looked to have been chased.  I went looking for the others.  If it had just been a natural thing... but no.  I found them hiding in the hutch.  I will have to finish their enclosure, eventually working on a covering.  As well, younglings next spring, possibly to include geese, a few for defense.

It is a relief to not have lost them all.  I will bury this one soon.

Oh, bp is 150/110 pulse 71 and blood sugar, which had dropped further on it's own to 119 right before the nap, has climbed to 241?  Crazy.  Doing what I can.  Later.

A nap.

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That is the plan anyway.  It has been a bit rough.  I have had worse.  I am almost certain it is a mix of increasing carvedilol and blood sugar.  It dropped back to 146 after the last dose with a fatted coffee.  I am almost afraid to tinker with it.  Yeah, I will leave it alone until this afternoon.  BP is 155/101 pulse 74.  That also doesn't make sense.  I haven't missed a medication in at least a week, probably closer to two weeks.  Perhaps it is somehow connected to high blood sugar?  The pulse is strange, if... I think... in the good way.  I think low pulse indicates the limit for carvedilol.  I'll... read up on that soon.

Clouds are moving in, but it isn't exceedingly dark.  It is up to 48° outside.  I can keep the house 66°, until it becomes much colder, 70° when I am awake.  It is 60° upstairs, though I still have the air conditioners in.  Not sure how much difference their removal will make.  As well, opening the through vent and removing the barrier material may make a difference.  Heat does rise.  But it isn't that big of an opening.  I will find out about fall and winter trim, upstairs, this year.

This summer on, I have a different set of tolerances and somewhat improved health, if age has become more of a factor.  I am learning, and able, to dress better for whichever season.  More, I am tolerating each season a good deal better.  Why it took so long to get to this point?  Some of it was due to my (continued) distrust, some of it was due to the reason for my distrust.  It is today.  I start there.

Yea, a nap... soon.  Later.

Up early.

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Bedtime ended up being late.  Wanted to check blood sugar again.  It wasn't until 1:30 that I went down.  I woke at 3:30, then roughly every half hour after until I gave up at 5:00 and rolled out.  Sleep just wasn't doing any good.  I am not feeling well on top of being exceedingly tired, if not in the sleepy sort of that.  It is flu-like symptoms.

I don't think it is the flu.  It is some long term, usually subdued, illness that never quite goes away.  It hides just under the surface, waiting to emerge whenever the chance presents.  Some jungle gunk?  A remnant of an experimental vaxx from the Navy?  Dunno, I just know the specific profile of symptoms.  A handful of aspirin, rest, and fluid.  I have never gone to the doctor about it.  By the time I could get in it would usually be gone.  I have this funny feeling that it had something to do with my bad heart.

Blood sugar was 143 fasting.  So I had a small keto breakfast with an half insulin dose.  Two hours later, and change, it had climbed to 225!  That makes absolutely no sense at all.  I am having a fatted coffee and a bigger than usual dose.  I won't do bp until later, I just took morning meds.  It takes a while for them to work.

It looks like a nice day.  It was right at 32° at 5:00.  Here at 8:34 it is 35°.  It doesn't feel that cool... cold.  Neither the ducks nor I seem bothered by it.  Two fresh eggs as well.  Later.

That was quite a hit.

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Blood sugar was 238, down from 261 waking.  I have been eating keto for going on the second day.  I hit a second, large, dose after the second reading.  I was starting to feel ill.  Almost as if my blood sugar was cratering.  But that couldn't be it.  So I waited for the timer to ring, then checked.  At 71 I think that really was the problem.

It isn't the lowest number I have seen.  And, when blood sugar is more stable it usually wouldn't be a problem for a few more points.  It is both the relative low compared to recent highs.  A drop of 167 points in an hour and a half, plus being 350 or so for several days... big changes, fast changes.

I am avoiding carb tabs.  The spike can be severe, if it doesn't last long.  A tuna sandwich, using keto pita, plus a glass of milk.  So tired from the crash though.  Still feeling a bit woozy.  I want to check blood sugar again an hour after eating.  Then I will sleep.  I have carb tabs up there, just in case.  So tired on top of already being exhausted though.  Later, or good night.
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Good call.  Food brought blood sugar up to 91.  In one sense that is still a bit low.  Especially only an hour after eating.  It will go down after this.  I am feeling better, but still plan to go on to bed again.  Better, but not well.  That drop really took it out of me. As mentioned, I keep carb tabs up there, and seem to sense a drop coming.  I won't question it again, after this.  Though, usually, blood sugar rises for me through the night as I sleep.

Good night.

A touch too much?

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Brutal.  Sleeping very long.  Snoring?  The back of my throat is dry and sore as if I had been snoring.  A rare thing, with an easy to sense symptom.  It happens when I am tired beyond reason.  I was, am still, extremely tired.  I kept waking today.  Some aspects of flesh and mind had slept enough.  More sleep seemed an agony.  And, yet, I could not break the spell.

It, from what I could see when finally able to wake, was a fantastic fall day.  It seemed more a fond memory of a summer day than harkening to days to come.  It would have been a great day to get out.  Though from this weather to colder is my element... down to negative twenty, perhaps to negative forty.  As long as I can get through the gloom, the weather is mine.

Part of the problem may be that bit extra carvedilol.  It may be the straw that broke the camel's back.  Though to, it my be blood sugar.  Being mostly broke toward the end of this month, and having eaten else, I was down to mre's (meals ready to eat), old soup, and crackers.  I controlled it for a bit, but at some point all attempts failed.  It has been high the last few days.  Today I am back into keto, and dosing, but it will take a while.

I will give the extra carvedilol another week, in case it is diabetes.  I was hoping to get two more small tabs in.  It might not be possible.  Got to give it time.  This stuff does work, if at a cost.  I am doing what I can.  Perhaps missing perfection, but that isn't available even to angels or saints.

My brother called today.  Since I have figured out controls for my phone, which excludes non-contacts from ringing through, and to keep myself available to calls/texts for help, my phone is with me when sleeping in the day. I like being more available.  I was a bit worried about him.  He might have thought I had blown him off recently, rather than just be tired lately.  I'll try to keep more in touch.  Oh, now to figure out how to get it to shut off at night and turn on in the morning.

I do my best.  I'll keep at it.  Later.

So tired.

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Weary i ways I can't put rightly in words.  For there are no words which convey the depths, level, complexity, of this vex.  I have had worse, but as with pain, memory cannot capture these things, as pictures fail to capture pets or even people.  Look back through photos of lost pets, friends, and family to get an understanding.

It is a combination of fall and the continued titration.  Carvedilol is extremely potent stuff.  With pulse hitting sub 80s regularly, I am probably on the verge of maximum.  It is turning into a beautiful fall, if a slightly cool one.  Cool is good for me, but it is a gift with a cost.

No, I haven't gotten out to walk.  Something comes up, or... Yes, I will.  But I really can't do a lot in a day.  And, as mentioned with walking initially, I can't do something exercise wise or like daily.  So, if I do and am worn, I won't walk that day or the next.  And, as for my part, I would rather be out doing something real, if the opportunity presents, than just walking.

Oh, found my car keys.  But I found them where they couldn't have been.  They were in a place I checked every time I looked, usually a first to third place, and on top of paperwork from last week.  Very strange.  Ghosts or sneaks.  Don't care now that they are back.  Will get two more sets, plus some chipless.  Have not lost my other car keys.

Ugh.  A bit worn.  Just getting to town pounds me.  I need to get groceries soon.  I am tight, financially this month, but am nearly caught up.  I am still behind on one utility bill and milk.  I can get milk, and put some, and extra, on the utility, and actually eat this month.  But that is mostly all, and just.

Next month I can breath for the first time in a while.  Ugh.  Yeah, too tired to blog.  Will, try to do more again.  Later.

Without comment.

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At some risk.  As it arrived.

If you do not wish to know?  Don't look.  I see what I see, and it goes here.

Not mine.  A part of it?  Which part, if so?

Fog.

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Without looking at the clock, I just kept expecting the sun to show.  At some point I started to worry.  Is it already that late in the season?  Had dawn slipped into midmorning?  Finally I simply had to see.  Not a light fog, a thick one.  One a thought could be given to getting a bowl of it.

By seven thirty enough light was trickling through to safely let the ducks out.  Only one had layed an egg.  I suspect low light will do that.  They were really happy to be let out. The cats have been fed as well.  And given a snack.  I don't think Sassy can lose weight, at this point.  Still, perhaps she can keep from adding weight.

After a dose, a fatted tea, and two hours, blood sugar had only dropped to 173, five points.  Very strange.  So, a meal and a bigger dose.  While I want to nap, or more, I want to see what is happening with blood sugar first.  I need it to be going down, or hit it again.  There is no good reason for insulin not to have worked.  BP is 137/91 with a pulse of 78.

At least there is some sun.  Or light I should say.  It helps.  Later.

A bit tight this morning.

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Not sure what the problem is, exactly.  A grand headache as a base symptom.  At least it isn't a migraine.  Mostly from stiff neck muscles.  Sleeping at the wrong angle?  Some nights no correct, or good, angle can be found.  I think last night was one, for I did try.  Down at 21:00ish, awake at 3:08, with a .mil sort of dream to match.  I love it when a plan comes together.

In the dream, I met a soldier, became friends.  I also got to know his commanding officer, as a friend as well.  As they were heading to their next duty station, in Tennessee, I talked myself into driving, helping drive, out that way.  Then wanting to back out.  In the dream, as now, I was a bit low on cash, it was the end of the month but the next month was going to be harsh as well.

He sort of kept me to my promise, so... a promise is a promise.  Half way  there, they said it was all good, not to worry about costs, but didn't explain.  When we arrived, they hooked me up with temporary housing and explained.  About ten of the soldiers, and the c.o., were retiring and going into construction.  They thought I could be useful.

As the next week went on, my job was clarified.  They realized I couldn't work actual construction.  But what I could do was be a tool and expendables master.  What I couldn't do, I could arrange.  Part time, rent, gas, a truck, and else, rather than pay.  I wasn't sure, for a number of reasons.  Turns out they already knew everything.  Didn't care as long as it stayed private.  All good.

It was good to work with .mil types again.  These really were the best of the lot.  Hard workers, willing and able to think on their feet, learn, and teach.  In time the company picked up a company of vets, in many fields, uptrained or shifted, overlapping and covering new areas, until we could build or destroy just about anything.

And the feel was the good parts of the service without the bad... the brotherhood and hard work without shit pay and long spits away from home, or so far and out of touch. A very good dream.  Yes, I love to work, it just isn't possible in real terms.  Waking, without choice, at 3:08?  I will need a nap, probably, hopefully, before dawn.  Though, possibly, either way, my day is already shot.

Meds are down.  Blood sugar is 178 fasting.  Oh, and... I woke to a clock ticking.  A gentle, rhythmic, clicking mechanism.  I realized, first, that all of my clocks are digital.  Then that it was my heart.  I was pleasantly surprised.  It was my heart.  Until this time, any time for a very long time, that I could hear it, it was as thunder.  This time it was as a precise best German craftsmanship timepiece.  What a beautiful sound, metallic sounding, and so meticulous.  BP is 146/90 with a pulse of 78.

Good morning and day.

The rain is finished.

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It stopped for now.  The sun was out for a while.  I noticed when I put the ducks up.  Perhaps before?  Definitely by then.  Seemed pretty cool, cold really.  Sunshine will, could, help.  It was good to see some sun after an intense set of rainy days.  It was incredibly dark, and the amount of rain was spooky.  It almost had to have flooded some places?

Then again, even if a bit of a downer, to see it storm like that was neat.  I love weather events and that certainly was one.  We very rarely get extended events here.  Lightning and thunder?  Oh yes, both of those.  The times I watched, when thunder could be heard, lightning couldn't be seen though.

A bite to eat.  Down to mre's.  I need to figure some things out.  After bills, food this month.  We will see.  I really need meat, but that has gone off the charts.  I have to go with canned veggies, for most of it, or it gets wasted.  Bills, food, and cat litter.  A last rough financial month, mostly.

I am already ready for bed.  I am hoping to wake at a reasonable hour.  Then finish off dishes, take a shower, rest and wake, then go for a walk.  It is a reasonable hope, plan...  Good night.

Depressing weather.

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A short term fix is to turn the furnace up a bit.  Well, and to not fight sleep.  Fix?  Not quite, perhaps more treatments.  There is no cure for melancholy.  Less so seasonal.  The sun went away for several days, it has been pouring, and it was 38° this morning... if my morning was 14:00.

I had the furnace at 72° overnight.  It was 63° upstairs, which is a extremely good sleeping temperature.  Waking was a little shaky, but once down into the warmth it was much better.  I even needed to turn the furnace down to 70°.  I may turn it down further through the day.  If I could do regular days, I would set the furnace for a morning warmth.  Long enough to wake, warm, shower, dress, and then have it at about 66°.

Blood sugar is 171 fasting, but I haven't been eating right, so it is actually better than anticipated.  I will check bp after meds have had a chance to do their thing.  I talked them into adding just a bit more carvedilol.  I have added an extra of the small dose at night.  If that goes well, a morning dose will be added.  At nose-bleed dosage already, tiny titration is required.

Monday, tomorrow, is walk day.  I should get rain gear, a canteen, and perhaps a minor pack set up.  I don't really need a pack, but I... if I am going to walk, I might as well gear up for hiking or even snowshoeing.  Plus, it adds an adventure element to the program.  Now, if I don't have it all together, I will just go anyway.  I am sure I have rain gear somewhere right handy.  And, if a bit larger than warranted, I have several steel thermos jugs ready... more for V.A. travel days... but stuff in a pack and go.  Boots and shoes are ready.  Monday.  Later.