Tweaky but perhaps on track again.

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Maybe spring has sprung for me. The weather has been quite pleasant. I escaped the dungeon last night and went shopping. A few food items of food were bought but more a cat food run. I have a two month's supply built up, more if I feed them as I feel I should. Then again, even feeding them as I have Sassy has slimmed down just a bit. And the way I do things now, they no longer beg (mostly). When they actually do beg it really is feeding time or they need water.

I am hoping to get another shower in this evening, then make another run to town. I have nothing of interest to buy, though I might get something or other. Counting coup, in a way, and since scalps are sort of out of fashion these days, a canister of a specific flavor of Gatorade will just have to do? Yes. :)

I keep looking outdoors. I want to get on raking and limb/wood work. I don't want to have to have people come over and do my yard this year. I am also working the dishes, sort of. I want to begin cooking, mostly so I can begin eating a bit more. The dishes stand in the way of that. Yes, a dishwasher might really be a need, D.C. Plans are, once again, underway. I lost track of everything there for a while.

My guess is my heart is sending blood to whichever part of my body is screaming for it. If my brain, or parts of it, are good, my internal organs get it. If those are good, my muscles receive a dose. I have a rolling blackout, or brownout more like. It seems my brain hasn't "needed" much attention. Now it is getting it and I can plan. But that doesn't mean my muscles are up to it. You see the fix I am in? At least I can put words, and sense, to it now. Yes, I think that is how it works.

I need to help my friend escape from his dungeon soon too. Perhaps tomorrow, or the day after. It depends a bit on how tonight goes. I need to familiarize myself with the outside world again before I can help someone else get out into it. I sorely want to go shooting again. It has been a very long time, and no, games don't count. Just letting some lead fly, putting it on target, the feel, feedback, and noise... It is an enjoyable pursuit.

I best get going. Just... leaving a positive note for any who might be reading. And... for myself. There is something about writing things out that helps make sense of the world. It makes hope more real, increases the chances that those hopes translate into reality. Plus, it uses some of the rarified by illness brainpower. You do realize how much it takes to write a coherent sentence, let alone paragraph, don't you? On the fly, without script, based on observed or understood realities? Speaking is easier, with the exception perhaps of actual speeches but those are only more difficult because of the social aspects involved. Nervous much.

Bah, blathering. I best get a bit more gaming done, than a shower, dressing, and grooming, then hit the road. It'll be late when I get out but I will take what I can get. Good night.

Not much, but...

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I have taken four showers this week. Other than opening the windows and doors a couple of times to air things out that has been about all I have done. I almost feel like something will be happening soon. Medicines don't really help or hurt, short term, so I don't mind taking them. When I can remember to take them and keep the medi-set filled.

I used to wonder whether what was wrong was physical or mental. Yes, I do realize the cause is physical. But the cause, my heart, creates both physical exhaustion and mental confusion, disorientation. It might seem like this would be obvious, and to a degree it is. But it's not obvious in some ways. Knowing doesn't help, I can't manually just switch something, or think "happy thoughts", or... massage the issue. Medicine doesn't really always do much. Nor, in truth, would a new heart (with all of the complications and added vulnerabilities). Not that I am complaining. Few men would survive having a defunct heart for so long. The risk of a heart attack is 35% or higher, just with my ejection refraction, per year. The chance of a stroke is similar. I've had a bad heart for 25 years. You crack the numbers. Add in that both of my ventricles are enlarged, and probably have been for ten years or more (correlating with the high blood pressure is my guess), the odds were truly stacked against me.

In spite of that I moved 2,000 miles, give or take. I've skied up a mountain, and back, with flat country skis! I've taken a trip white water rafting and fell into wall-to-wall class four rapids and survived in that for a half mile! I still enjoy life, in my little way, even aside from the occasional excitement. So, I'm not complaining, just noting. Heck, I still think I have enough life in me to find a wife and have some kids... I'm sort of working on that. Nothing like being adrift at sea, far away from the shipping lanes, and teasing the sharks, innit? :)

I might sneak out a bit tonight. I don't really have anything to do. I could always do some shopping. No need to grocery shop though, until I get dishes done. Argh! I truly hate dishes. I might have to pull a D.C. (ol' we-need-to-go-back-to-the-stone-age himself), and get a dishwasher. HAH! Drats, if it was earlier I could look through the box home stores. I've been hearing lots of complains about dishwashers lately though (actually all appliances). I see why people try to milk old machines by spending more on repairs than what they are technically worth. An old half broken machine is often much better than a new problematic one. Especially since most modern warranties are worth, literally, less than the paper they are printed on (and never even consider buying an extended warranty from the store, they really don't cover anything). Which, by the way, is why I decided to hold onto my old dryer until she dies a natural death. And this coming from a techy!

I really am hoping to get my butt going and begin raking. Picking up sticks, dealing with the chunks of tree from the recent help, and just... even if I end up doing little, getting outside, getting some fresh air, might help me begin doing more. It is almost like I have forgotten how to live, leave my home. It is so strange out there. I remember seeing an old woman, when I was a child, who jumped and skittered away because a car was backing up... but about four spots away from her. I'm not that bad, but for the first time, I understand her reaction.

I am enjoying my gaming. Caffeine has been helping. My sleep schedule is radically variable though. I usually sleep seven to eight hours, but I might be awake twelve or twenty hours. I just never know. I need to get dishes done so that I may begin cooking a bit again. The meals coming in are super, but I need a bit more. Those meals are a life-line. My guess is I would be even further pressed if not for them. I just need to supplement those with more than just salami and cheese (though I love that, it's just not enough). Plus, the idea of cooking and keeping things clean... it's a beautiful thing to have a home running like a clock, even a rusty one which needs a little more attention. Maybe as spring, then summer, roll in... Maybe.

Be well.

I want to.

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I keep looking outside. Just to rake the yard, or a small patch of it... I would give, well, your left arm! I was almost up to it the other day, then it snowed. Just enough snow to make it so I couldn't do the work. I am building back up to it. I am hoping to get to doing an hour of work out there a day, five days a week. Just to be outside, mostly. As if raking is that hard of work. Then again, my mother always said I had a way of making easy work hard. I don't do things lightly. I don't know how. Still, an hour of hardified raking should be doable.

I showered and dressed today. I doubt if I will leave but I might. Confusion and exhaustion persist. I live a nice little secluded life, for now. But I need to get some things going, or try. Checking the water heaters would be a very good thing. Backflushing the reverse osmosis machine and the water softener would be good. Those things require reading, something I can't even really do in my games. Yeah, it's been that rough. It also can make learning what to do in the games a bit more trial and error. Ah well.

Not much else to report. Have a good life.

A good day.

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A shower, first thing. I noticed my heels were a bit rough and my toe callus was back, so I used the Dremel to smooth things off a bit. I took between and eighth and a quarter of an inch off my heels. I still didn't get down to real skin so I may do that again soon. I may not have horns like Hellboy, but I certainly am a bit different. I could tell when I was on normal skin. Youch! Then I got dressed, not just back into pajamas. The hope was to get out.

Out I got. Nothing fancy. A bit of grocery shopping at one store and a stop for fast food. Odd, all of the fast food places are closing down early, especially for a Saturday night. McDonalds, Wendy's, and Burger King closed their doors at 22:00 (10:00 pm)! So I had to eat in the X. I wanted something hot and would have preferred eating in the restaurant. I did get my caffeine fix back on track and a few other items. I had to throw a lot of stuff away, I just haven't been eating much other than what is being brought over and an occasional something. Usually a fried meat. I did pick up a head of cabbage and the fixings for corned beef. It's been a while. I could make that and freeze some of it too.

Have you ever wondered what the problem with politicians is? It's right under your nose, actually. The best (most popular) politicians are populists. Populists make for the worst sort of politicians (and scientists). But the fix is in. A politician can't make it without being popular. Socialism (and communism) tried to fix this by containing power in an organization or small group, sometimes a single man. The problem there, of course, is populism created the power shift and there are people involved. People who seek power, even if, in their minds, with good intentions. No, the world can't be perfect. Not this one. Not until there is a time and place and reality where each man truly is his own government and is justified and capable of being such. Still, all in all, America, at least up until recently (and even then honestly) is the best type of governance there can be.

While we can't go back to the America of several decades ago, perhaps we can hold the line a little longer. I am not sure, but I think foreign nations have gone so rogue as governments, even much or all of Europe, because of population spikes with no place to go. People become congregated, stacked upon each other, lost in numbers. It becomes easy to make life, human life, seem meaningless. Power, sex, money, and fame even infamy become the measure of a man lost in a sea of people with no way out. Murder, mass murder, even genocide are quietly indulged. Academics even now, even in America, and as a general rule, would condone the 'depopulation' of the world by as much as 90%. Scary, but they do have the ear of politicians, who blithely deny any such thing and yet, I think, often do work toward those ends.

I think many American politicians fear overpopulation more than foreign intrigue, terrorist attacks, or just about anything. That is why abortions continue. And it does mostly affect the poor and minorities. An overpopulation is one thing, an overpopulation of minorities is a whole other thing. As much as I disparage some minorities, I would rather see them win through life than lose without a chance, something that abortion does. It steals even a chance.

Actually, playing the games I play, I do note that the liberalism inherent in other medias is as blindly adhered to in these games. At least, in the current game, there are some serious jabs at the command and control involved. It doesn't hide it, but exposes it. If it still keeps with the liberal lines within the game.

A bit more uptime then to bed. I hope to shower a couple more times in the next three days, to soften the heels better. Then another grinding session. Swimming, I think, would help with this a great deal too. I just... have to be on top to begin doing that. At least I do have access now. I just have to get there. It would be perfect to swim right after Mass, then see my friend a few of those times per week. I just can't, right now. It's coming. I'm building up to it, I think. I see it, and am reaching for that bar once again.

Good night.