Not much, but...

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I have taken four showers this week. Other than opening the windows and doors a couple of times to air things out that has been about all I have done. I almost feel like something will be happening soon. Medicines don't really help or hurt, short term, so I don't mind taking them. When I can remember to take them and keep the medi-set filled.

I used to wonder whether what was wrong was physical or mental. Yes, I do realize the cause is physical. But the cause, my heart, creates both physical exhaustion and mental confusion, disorientation. It might seem like this would be obvious, and to a degree it is. But it's not obvious in some ways. Knowing doesn't help, I can't manually just switch something, or think "happy thoughts", or... massage the issue. Medicine doesn't really always do much. Nor, in truth, would a new heart (with all of the complications and added vulnerabilities). Not that I am complaining. Few men would survive having a defunct heart for so long. The risk of a heart attack is 35% or higher, just with my ejection refraction, per year. The chance of a stroke is similar. I've had a bad heart for 25 years. You crack the numbers. Add in that both of my ventricles are enlarged, and probably have been for ten years or more (correlating with the high blood pressure is my guess), the odds were truly stacked against me.

In spite of that I moved 2,000 miles, give or take. I've skied up a mountain, and back, with flat country skis! I've taken a trip white water rafting and fell into wall-to-wall class four rapids and survived in that for a half mile! I still enjoy life, in my little way, even aside from the occasional excitement. So, I'm not complaining, just noting. Heck, I still think I have enough life in me to find a wife and have some kids... I'm sort of working on that. Nothing like being adrift at sea, far away from the shipping lanes, and teasing the sharks, innit? :)

I might sneak out a bit tonight. I don't really have anything to do. I could always do some shopping. No need to grocery shop though, until I get dishes done. Argh! I truly hate dishes. I might have to pull a D.C. (ol' we-need-to-go-back-to-the-stone-age himself), and get a dishwasher. HAH! Drats, if it was earlier I could look through the box home stores. I've been hearing lots of complains about dishwashers lately though (actually all appliances). I see why people try to milk old machines by spending more on repairs than what they are technically worth. An old half broken machine is often much better than a new problematic one. Especially since most modern warranties are worth, literally, less than the paper they are printed on (and never even consider buying an extended warranty from the store, they really don't cover anything). Which, by the way, is why I decided to hold onto my old dryer until she dies a natural death. And this coming from a techy!

I really am hoping to get my butt going and begin raking. Picking up sticks, dealing with the chunks of tree from the recent help, and just... even if I end up doing little, getting outside, getting some fresh air, might help me begin doing more. It is almost like I have forgotten how to live, leave my home. It is so strange out there. I remember seeing an old woman, when I was a child, who jumped and skittered away because a car was backing up... but about four spots away from her. I'm not that bad, but for the first time, I understand her reaction.

I am enjoying my gaming. Caffeine has been helping. My sleep schedule is radically variable though. I usually sleep seven to eight hours, but I might be awake twelve or twenty hours. I just never know. I need to get dishes done so that I may begin cooking a bit again. The meals coming in are super, but I need a bit more. Those meals are a life-line. My guess is I would be even further pressed if not for them. I just need to supplement those with more than just salami and cheese (though I love that, it's just not enough). Plus, the idea of cooking and keeping things clean... it's a beautiful thing to have a home running like a clock, even a rusty one which needs a little more attention. Maybe as spring, then summer, roll in... Maybe.

Be well.