Sorting out life.

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Attempting to make sure an appointment is covered.  It seems like this one is set up.  Others I have to figure out.  Ugh.

I keep being surprised at what is happening regarding the government.  I really didn't think much would be done.  More just another kick of the can down the road.  With repatriations not just going forward, but nations breaking under the weight of demands... even to offering planes to help with repatriation after getting really smarmy.

Why the feminine.

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I have been being plagued by the feminine.  Oh, not a terrible thing, really.  I've certainly been plagued by more terrible things.  Still, I had to ask myself why.  I have been considering the problem for a while now.

No, witches have no power here.  Save any allowances I might grant.  Granted as sisters, mothers, daughters, not as dark practitioners.  I can shut down darkness easily, and do.  I think even they know it.  Not a grace, the price of... being... a certain sort.

Drifting...

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Care to drift along, too, for a bit?

Uhm... love the... flow.

Better?

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Mostly.  I was able to stay up until 16:30.  I had hoped to be awake to 18:30.  Had someone stopping by.  Wanted to talk.  couldn't make it.  Still, that's a good two hours later, and a start to getting more of the day added back to my schedule.  Then I slept until 23:00.  So, not much better on the sleeping front.  But better than the four hours some nights lately.

I did start laundry, going, again yesterday.  While I was showering even.  No, this house isn't built with that in mind.  I've never lived in a place that was though, so it's... not something I am missing.  And... I did laugh.  I'll get more going on that today.

Someone is... saying... something?

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It sure looks like it.

A gentle nod, and smile.  A knowing, understanding.  Some prescience, if nothing that isn't know or suspected.  Some wonder, past and present.  Or maybe saying what I think just isn't so.  Though... I... don't see that.  Even if from one who might suggest to actually know.  Certainly not from someone who simply hopes.

Someone is really... doing homework.

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I do enjoy the show.  Remembering me to them?  Remembering us?  Certainly seeing what is being thought on one side, if too rejected from my side.

And... this?  I think it is understanding.  And... a farewell?  I don't know.  A brother sort... seems to understand.  I do, too?

She has been on my mind.

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Well, my mother too.  So I tried, again, to call her.  Earlier through the day.  And, finally, just now.  She answered.  We had a good talk.  She is aging.  It is difficult for her.  But, we try.  Does she understand?  I think so.  She doesn't want to understand, always.  The beloved children, of any parent, are heartbreaking.  Even... when we love?  Maybe more so.

Still, we had a good talk.  I have been trying to call her.  But she was at an extended wake of one of the grandsons of her dear friend.  The mother lost her only child, and a good one.  Some wounds can't heal.  Mother has a way with... those going, and those remaining.  She just does, or did.  It's a difficult grace to be granted.  But a blessed one.

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Finally back to bed?

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Just hitting 02:25.  Cooling, down to 75 in this front room.  Open, with a fan going, but no ac used through the day, upstairs or down.  A first in a few weeks?  Or so.  Probably closer to a month or two.  Even when I would use the ac, this room wouldn't often be this cool by this time.  It really is feeling more like fall.

No more food, tonight.  Just not hungry.  Nothing to drink.  Tea, tomorrow.  Maybe the rest of the steak.  Or not.  If I have yogurt, or cottage cheese, it will be without fruit or sweetener.  Or tea or coffee.  Though would like to go with non-caffeinated tea, again, if I go that way.

Someone is flirting?

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Watching me climb out of the grave, again?  Enjoying the show?  And more.

I really have to think so.

I... think of them.

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They have been on my mind, and more, since... I was... quite young.

Inside.

I love it when she visits.

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Never sure which one.  Oh... there... are a few.  Some from as far back as high school have found my... little place.  Knocking on the door, complaining about... this and that.  Remembering the good and bad times.  I... don't mind.  I do enjoy, for my part.  They must, or they wouldn't keep visiting?  Women are as tight about the ones who got away as we are?  More so, I think.

What?  Oh, musical pops.  Linear, thematic, a lot of them.  Here are a few.

Women.

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Truth be told, a woman.  Not sure... if that had something to do with the post before, or... if that was something else.  Of this, this time, I am certain.  Her.  My first real go.  Everything reads as is from her, about her.  Timed back to our time, place.

Why or how?  What does she want?  Is it her haunting me, or me not letting go.  I'll never be certain.  I just know, finally, I don't mind.  Not a horror anymore.  More just... saying hello, I love you.  See you soon, perhaps?  We... won't be together, that way.  But we... it is hoped... will be very good friends.  More?  Maybe.  Marriage doesn't last to heaven.  It isn't like that, give or take.  Even if we wanted it that way.  Christ wasn't absolutely clear.  But... He... was sure certain about the ambiguity.

Night mares.

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All through the night, and into the day.  As I was sitting, thinking, reading... even there the herd rumbled through my mind.  Even Zeus had... mental pussy problems?  Aye.  Had to get hammered, to fix it.  Even then, it... just manifested his headache?  Or... so they say.  Athena lives in all men.  On the other side?  We own their attention.  What would Athena be, without the dirty thoughts of old male gods?  *grins*

Oh, thought I should... add a mapping schedule, so that understanding might be... easier.  Mostly.  If... the vid is male and female?  It's straight, even if I empathize or sympathize with the feminine within.  Happens.  Same when it is lesbian.  Just... consider that an... odd form of straight?  Right.  If you see male gay?  It's... not my blog.  You... have been misdirected.  That... just doesn't happen here.  That I know of, they try to sneak that shit in everywhere.  If it's here, it's not on purpose, or isn't for that reason.  Bleh.

Gifts?

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That's how I'm taking it.  Personal?  I think so.  Meaning?  Good gifts?  Take what you can.  I... appreciate these, for, and as, they are.

If you wish, enjoy as well.  Or... go on back to safer ground.

Better, but early?

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Such a... strange day.  Down around seven or eight?  If I remember right.  Up at 15:00?  Awake, really, more around 14:00, just... wanted to sleep more, so tried to force it.  No go with that.  I just... surrendered to the fact that I was awake just now.  Well, half an hour ago now.

It looks so wintery, in spite of the snow being off the ground, down here in the valley anyway.  But it was 52, when I checked.  Very... nice... very nice.  Almost tempted to open up, but I don't trust it.  It could go cold, hard cold, very fast, out there.  Something... about the cast and look of the day I just don't trust.  But... it was pleasant for just a bit.

Out and to it.

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I made it to the appointment.  My new primary was able to see me this morning.  Set it up when they first called.  Further, will be getting calls for other, local, appointments.  Heart, foot, eye (both), and... a social worker... to see if we can get me back to swimming before too long.  Look, I've lost 65 pounds.  Can't say I'm not holding up my end.  And, losing weight will save them money.  As will getting fit.  Pay a few bucks for a pass and some gas, or begin doing surgeries, dealing with a lost leg, and else.  Not blackmail, simply... an offer I hope they won't refuse.

BP was a little high.  I keep... worrying they will debride the wound again.  I... don't trust doctors all that much these days.  But, no torture today.  And, as mentioned, I haven't been taking medicine because I haven't been eating lately.  Still, bp came down to 128/83?  Before I left?  So... for my part... all good.

What men are good at?

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Well... what most of us would like to do, be able to do.  I've had a nearly forty year hiatus.  Kept... waiting for the engine to kick over, for psychotropics to work, and such.  That... wasn't ever going to happen, because... well... that wasn't the problem.  Fact is, nothing will ever kick over, like it should.  Heck, I shouldn't be breathing.

Everyone, I think, knew that.  Except me.  Even when I found out, I kept thinking there was a way.  Delusional?  Maybe.  But I still think there is a way.  It won't be equal but different.  It won't be fair and even.  It will be... always... running on bare minimums.  Using what is available, not what would normally be needed or acceptable.

Nearing bedtime.

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I did get the laundry through.  The load that had been sort of being kicked around in the washer for days was washed, again, but then put in the dryer.  Vinegar was added, and hot water was used.  Then a load of whites was put through, and itself was put on into the dryer.  I am about to check on that.  Probably give it another short spin, just to make sure.  Then close up the washing machine.  I like to let it airdry for a bit.

No dishes.  Didn't clean the freezer top.  Didn't pull meat.  May hop in the shower as the last thing.  Then, hopefully, tomorrow, push some of those remaining things.

I think so?

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The bank, I think, said yes.  The seller still has the bike, and seems stoked.  My drivers, however, are super busy.  With real work.  Maybe tomorrow afternoon.  If not then, maybe Saturday.  If not either of those, not until next Friday?  Ugh.  And... that will just be the decision, not purchase.

The bank won't be open for business that late or on Saturday.  Drive-thru, but not loan office.  So, down, look the bike over, test drive, decide.  If she's as advertised, I'll go back when he is ready to visit my bank and do the title etc.  Ugh.  Wow.  But so troubling.

Bikes...

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I did a bit more looking tonight.  Reminiscing too.  

The first bike I was going to buy.  I sat it, liked it.  Planned on it.  Just waiting for my reenlistment bonus, $35k in the day.  Then, or put that away and wait for my pay upgrade to petty officer second class.  Or?  I was pretty sure my captain, the co of my sub, was putting in for mustanging.  Busting ranks.  He had done it, had been... waiting for the next one.  Thought he found me.  Yea, so... perhaps waiting until that came through, putting all the other bonuses up for... my first house?