What men are good at?

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Well... what most of us would like to do, be able to do.  I've had a nearly forty year hiatus.  Kept... waiting for the engine to kick over, for psychotropics to work, and such.  That... wasn't ever going to happen, because... well... that wasn't the problem.  Fact is, nothing will ever kick over, like it should.  Heck, I shouldn't be breathing.

Everyone, I think, knew that.  Except me.  Even when I found out, I kept thinking there was a way.  Delusional?  Maybe.  But I still think there is a way.  It won't be equal but different.  It won't be fair and even.  It will be... always... running on bare minimums.  Using what is available, not what would normally be needed or acceptable.

The difference?  They... can leave the crippled parts behind, and get out of the disabled ship, if they can make it home.  I... am the crippled ship.  There is no getting out, getting home, escaping the problem.  And, yet, I... seem to keep limping on.

Sometimes getting enough oxygen, or to the right organs, is the problem.  Sometimes it is just getting enough blood to the various parts.  Organs having to take turns with limited resources.  I... don't do this consciously, mostly.  Sometimes I can help.  Adding a fan.  Opening a window a crack.  Turning the heat or ac on.  And, trying to be aware enough of whatever might be a problem, while slowly or quickly dying, to react in time.

I'm amazed at my body.  Most people would have died.  With help, without it, it doesn't matter.  Most people couldn't make it through.  And, I am pretty sure, I have decades, not days or years, left.  Why?  Ask God.  Those answers are in His hands, world, reality.  Well beyond my paygrade.  Deserve?  Not even the greatest of sinners deserve this.  I'm not... sure you understand what "deserve" means.  Then again, this might be purgatory?  I... still wonder.  Survival from even half of what I have been, and am, going through, seems... unlikely.  Still... just... not certain.

Still?  I am... digging back in?  First... with minor actions.  Considering selling, looking at other places to live, purchases big and small, and... planning... learning.  Tooling up, mentally and physically.  I am coming back, or trying.  And... hoping to begin doing what I used to do, wanted to do, or planned on doing.  Man things.  The bike is a start.  Getting going on that.  Yes, a video.

While I think I can do mechanical things fairly easily.  From changing a sparkplug, to spacing it.  Or from maintaining a chain, oil and oil filter changing, to perhaps adding parts and pieces to a bike?  My jellyspot is... electronics.  But, I think... I might be able to improve that.  

A tool, a video, and some parts.  Not on the way, but in the bag?  For now.  Additional spot or flood lights, alternative led blinkers with some frame mods and wiring changes, and a... few other things.  Well, and just sorting, over time, problems.  Well, and... maybe just some tinkering?  If I mess up?  That's... partly how you learn.

Fine details, attention to details, the devil... in the details.  Well, there you go?

But, where you are, there you are, there you go?  Right.  Right!  And, so, I keep at things.  From prayer, to learning to ride a motorcycle in order to live a place where I might yet find a wife?  Right.  Yes.

I checked the outdoor temp a bit ago.  Was starting to get concerned, even after waking.  Seemed a storm might be approaching.  So, I got the Xterra out, and pushed the bike in.  I really need to clean out some of the garage, as I prefer both in.  And they will fit.  But... not quite yet.  Still tonight?  Maybe.  Or... not.  We'll see.

I want to get a shower, then set up dishes and clean the freezertop.  Not more than that, unless I can do some work out in the garage.  To make space for both, or begin in on that.  She's a bit of a beast of a bike.  I will say that.  Moving her takes some effort.  It's not beyond me, or even precarious.  It's just... a slow process.  I suppose I could light her up, get her in first, but I'm not comfortable enough doing that.  I'm not sure enough of the controls.  So... for now... I'll stick to a slow but sure push and pull system.

And a good thing I did, too.  It is raining out there.  Not that she can't take a little water, just... there seemed to be a wind cranking up as well.  Tipping, in high enough wind, is quite possible.  And, I really don't want her to be rained on even so.  The Xterra can handle a night or two of rain a bit easier.  And wind isn't even an issue with her.  Bleh.

Well, on to something?  A bit more music, blog reviewing, news... what few sources have any reliability... enough to bother.  A shower, dishes, washing the freezertop.  Then, maybe, some work in the garage.  We'll see.  Later, most likely.