Okay, yeah, sure.

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I asked a question.  I believe I got an answer.  Do I present that way?  Maybe not exactly, but very plausibly within what is real and among the reals themselves.  Both songs could easily be seen as who I really am or could be or have been... to some varying degrees.  In the first, yeah... it's there.  In the second, should I find a nubile wife, definitely.  And, at times, I can resemble some of the rougher states of those shown.  Resemblance, perhaps of kin like ways.  Perhaps just in certitude, though I think more.  I think, sometimes, when people read here, they think it's just... stuff, writings, stories.  When they meet me and... something clicks?  It can hurt.  The way many truths hurt.  Whether about me, or simply about reality, is for the... one whose eyes have been opened to know, or choose or understand.  In time it all becomes clear, to great suffering.  Just the way it is.  Disturbing.  Even if they don't agree, they do see that I do believe.  No story, or not so much.

And, I tried to explain this video to them, which is why they went to that post to explain their problem.  Well, and that I don't believe politics is the solution.  Huh?  Nope.  Unless God is your politics.  Politics is only, and ever, and at it's very best, a necessary evil.  It isn't, can't be, and won't be the solution.  But if men are well armed, there is a much reduced incidence of crime, both citizen on citizen and state on citizen.  Anyway, this is the video, and ideas, I expressed.  How to arm the other eleven.  Indeed.

Better.

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While I couldn't do much, the pain has been milder.  It still keeps me immobile.  Though as such I can find comfort.  Some days I feel like pushing it, or have to and can.  Some days, like today and yesterday, I simply did not have an interest or need in pushing through the pain.  Yesterday was more gritting and grinning.  Today was all about not moving.

It seems as if the female missionaries have moved on.  Too bad, but there are so few, it's probably good that they are shared around.  A couple of young men showed up today.  Being a mess, and not being able to describe why...  We had a bit of a discussion, but I think they wanted to just leave.  Not sure what I said.  No worries, if they are looking for work or souls to save, I understand.  They are welcome to visit, or not.  I do look a bit rough, can't blame them.

I don't know about tomorrow.  I'm not sure about the rest of today.  Gaming, mostly, today.  I called my mother.  Reception was poor.  She said she would call back but never did.  So, a bit ago, I called her and gave her some razzleberries.  Nothing too serious, just...  Some days, when it all goes wrong, one gets the sense of being pariah.  Not really, I mean I don't take that all too seriously.  And yet, it rubs.  It's funny being human, or close enough... such delicate egos, emotions, and weather/season can add to it, or perhaps even been mostly the whole of it.  No worries, just fussing today... can't do much else.

Oh, but I'm doing better in the game.  Amazingly better.  Not sure, it is as if a light switch came on and now I see.  I am beating bosses I had trouble with, and new bosses I thought might take me down... ones I had not fought before even, and winning on the first shot.  It sure eats time as I heal.  And while I was shoving my days back into daytime.

Later.

No go for today.

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What started out as a minor twinge in my lower back ended up being a bit more.  Nothing too terrible, just trying to skip through it was not going to work.  If I stayed still, it was easy.  If I moved, straight lines were best and less enjoyable.  If I did anything for any sort of time, my body vetoed the effort quickly and unforgivingly.  No worries, I thought that might be the case.  A day or three down may end up being necessary.  Though I am going to make an attempt at an end play and get some things done on the slow and sly.

I am about done for the day as well.  I can't remember when I woke.  Perhaps 3:00, maybe 6:00, I just don't know.  I am done now.  It was definitely worth being able to get the snow removed.  It really is good to work, when I can.  My friend suggested that many men with bad hearts end their lives shoveling.  I didn't say this then, but the notion is pretty much how I feel on the subject.  If I start closing down my life to tend something, I might as well just end my life.  Yeah, there are limits.  And there are things that are more, or less, advisable.  And, yet, if I can't live, I am already truly dead.  Which I am not.  Mostly.

Good night.

I did survive my youth.

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Oh, and yeah, it was... odder.  Where do you think these stories derive?  Anyway...  While I'm not quite on some beach, on some island, with some bimbos... I could be should I wish it.  I suspect that men to end up there, if they ever finally do come to even more of a spot of wisdom, will find something more like what I have.  Oh?  Yeah.

Dreams fade when they are painted on the world.

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Yes, dreams too.  Haunted by events of the near future.  Burning shadows with the fires of truth, repentance, righteousness.  Giving even of life, if necessary.  I am not alone if there are others much closer to the line, of flesh.

As I head into dreams...

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Just some thoughts.  Something out there.  Something... telling, warning, remembering... forgetting.

I did get out.

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It was more than I probably should have done.  Just shoveling was enough for the day, really.  Thirty five to forty feet, four inches deep at least.  Wait, actually I did a measure, with my index finger, let me measure... okay... three inches and small change, actually.  Still, that is a lot of work.  It did wear me out, no doubt.  And it took three different runs at it to get the last of it.  Plus I went out and salted (which really helped with the temps above freezing for the last few days).  My back is a bit sore, I know I will sleep well, but I didn't stop there.

I called my friend.  If he could help me get going on my vehicle, I would be in, and take him to a shop there in town.  We talked quite a bit, then took care of the Xterra, then headed to the bakery coffee shop.  He knew of the place, but thought it had closed.  It had closed, but opened recently under new management... or such.  Tea and sweets, for all the efforts.  But he paid.  I also picked up a loaf of bread.  True professional bakery stuff.  It's called the Crumb Brothers, I do believe.  A very good place to stop in, take a friend, for coffee or tea.  I'm not sure if they do meals, but I would like to try various offerings.  The bread, by the way, is fantastic.  The treats were very good.  I just like to have a number of places I can call home, of sorts.

After that we went shopping.  When one or both of us aren't too sick we might end up getting into all sorts of the right kind of trouble.  I need the same sort of help he needs, and I can help on some of the things he likes to do.  Both of us are considered, and are, too slow for many regular groups.  For hiking, or camping, we just don't fit.  However, we can both survive just fine.  Just don't push or prod.  I can drive, I just don't have the... gumption?... yeah... gumption to get out, on my own.  He may have the gumption, but can't really handle some of the rest of it.  Oh, and he had considered Burning Man.  I think that would be a bit much.  The heat alone.  But the crowding, getting around... nah.  However, there are local burns.  I'd like to see him visit one of those.  Just to see.  I think he would be surprised at how personable many of the people are.  Rude, sometimes, kindly sometimes, but fairly real people.  Not a bucket list thing, just... a thing.  Not a bad one.  And I messed up last time, if for the right reasons.  With someone else there I would have to learn to... deal with the situation.  I'm telling you, she had it all in the right places and ways.  And I think she had an eye game going on.  She wasn't sure, she wanted me to be, and I was becoming sure.  Anyway...  I'll have to figure it out more honestly next time.

Burned out.  I will sleep well.  A shower in the morning, and I may head back in, to get an oil change and a tire rotation.  Or Monday, if I can't.  I also need to get back to working on getting Sunday go to meeting clothing ready.  Bleh.  Later... Or, good night actually.  Sleep well, I will.

Today or not.

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I am finally well enough into the day schedule, that I considered escaping into town.  A bit of shopping.  Perhaps a meal.  Maybe a visit.  When I went to bed last night, or the night before?  I thought someone had been by.  I crashed so hard, it was the day I stayed up until 19:30 (I think).  Yes, that was several days ago.  Yesterday I only stayed awake until 15:00.  Anyway, I checked, and, yep, someone, two someones, had been by.  I only noticed one set of prints, but in my dream state of near-wakefulness, I heard two voices.  Don't know what they wanted, but it's all good.  There was no way I could have waken.  I had pushed, that day, like a mule.

So, today, getting out?  Ah, right, but what allowed me to know that someone had visited was tracks.  Which... aren't a problem.  It was what the tracks were in that was the problem.  Snow.  I saw some of it coming down, but it didn't seem to be all that much... deep.  I'll bet that was four to five inches.  Not extremely wet, but not pure fluff either.  Yeah...  So, I got on it.  My drive is clear, but that did bust me up just a bit.  I still like working, when I can.  After I finished, I salted a few nasty patches.

I then called my friend.  He has been calling me, and missing.  I don't know if I simply haven't heard the phone.  While I keep it near, it is still easy for me to miss.  Either that or I have been asleep when he calls.  I'd like to go visit.  Make a meal over there.  I may have to take a pot or pan, depending.  Like I said, if I am going to be there for a long time, I might as well make a decent meal.  Roast beef, potatoes, and rutabaga is my plan.  And an offer he can't refuse.  If he helps me get my vehicle ready for a professional cleaning, oil change, and tire rotation, I'll get him over to the steak house.  It's been a while since I have been there.  I can't quite see to getting all the work myself.  But with two cripples, and incentive, perhaps I can get the Xterra tended.  Plus get a meal out.  Either way, I will get the Xterra work done, soon.

Oh, and since I was feeling a bit fancy, I made it to the post office today.  Just... because.  I was awake, the drive was clear, and I felt like it.  I like to do the little, and big, things of life.  I do.  I love it when I can.  Annoying?  Sure, sometimes.  But, too, a part of life.  I have cheated death so harshly, but death has cheated me greatly too.  So I enjoy even the prices, costs, of life, when I can.  Later.

It's either a train or the sun.

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I seem to be approaching the light at good speed.  I was awake until 17:30(ish) last night, the latest I have been up in a long time.  Or was it 19:30(ish)?  Yeah, I think it was the last.  As I recall, I set the alarm for 5:00, after rounding up, adding eight hours for sleep, then tossing in another for good measure, using the alarm, it was hoped, as a backstop, not a primary means of waking.  Huh?  Yeah.  I ended up waking at 1:00 or 2:00?  Maybe 3:00?  To be expected when I make a huge jump in my schedule.  I think the latest I have stayed up, beside that, was 15:00 yesterday, but more like 13:00 the last few days before that.  My effort is the same, day to day.  The effects just happen.  I'm honestly not sure all of my effort actually means a damn.  That doesn't mean I'll quit, it's just being honest.  Hey, as the widow who offered her coin, and was praised for having given all she had... so it is with me and my will.  I might not change the world, or even myself.  I will die trying.  And, you know what, like my schedule coming around of late?  Sometimes it does work.

Now, pushing my schedule as I have has left me pretty much busted up.  I won't be doing much else.  I can't, really.  Gaming, to push the hours.  And for something simply to do.  I haven't even been blogging.  There simply hasn't been anything to say.  I haven't even been thinking.  Though I had a wonderful dream about some of my various "brothers".  Men and boys who at one time were kin of one sort or another.  Some of them ended far worse, some of them are far worse and not dead.  I have known some fine men.  Even those who have failed... where good in ways, to a point.  Even the ones who did wrong, start to stop, taught me.  I have lead, trained, learned, followed (to a degree), laughed, and even cried with my companions.  I pray for the living and the dead.  And that they might find forgiveness, as I surely do.

My friend has called, several times by the look of it.  A message has been sent.  I need to get in to town for other things, getting him out would be good too.  I would like to get him to the men's group.  Though I am having great troubles attending myself.  If nothing else, getting in a couple of times a month.  Oh, and perhaps, since he talks all day (not judging, definitely not judging), making a meal when I go in.  I will be ordering ducks to replace those I lost.  And I am going to plan on buying a whole beef this spring.  Then, three months after that, half an hog.  I'll be giving some of the beef out.  It would also be good to feed folk.  He said he owes a woman or two.  If not both at the same time, perhaps having a choice guest to eat with us from time to time might work as well.  Just some thoughts.  Oh, and food pictures... he might be able to help or tinker along with me on that.

I am back, well, on medicine.  I am trying to eat more regularly.  I do slip here, while doing well there, always something.  I'll keep at it.  I'd love to be out in the snow, even once in a while.  Taking pictures, snowshoeing, perhaps even winter camping.  I'll... I'll get there.  Later.  *wink*

Push and shove.

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My days are becoming real days.  It isn't too rough, either.  No great pains, I'm not even seeing minor sufferings.  Medicine is back on track.  I hope to add a bit more in.  Nothing fancy.  Though if I can hit the whole of the kitchen, top to bottom, then go even deeper, clearing even shelves, that would be good.  I may be to that point again, or not.  Of course, getting dress clothes ready to attempt a run at confession and Mass would be good.  Plus, if we get a fresh snow before too long, I would love to try out the snowshoes.  Those I can probably do one way or the other.  I'd like to practice with them, dry, here inside first.  But that isn't absolutely necessary.  I have taken a couple of heavy falls, on iced pavement (one was covered with snow, so easy to miss... the other was a time I was trying to get out and help those who came to help).  Yes, I can handle a full hard fall.  Neither even made me sore later.  *grins*

I do need to check my accounts, make sure everything is good there.  I need to do a bit of shopping, though that will have to wait until tomorrow.  After I finish the corned beef and cabbage, I'd like to make ham.  some to be added in with beans, some to be frozen for other uses.  I've never made scalloped ham... is that is how it is called?  Coin sliced potatoes with cheese sauce and ham.  Oh, well, and some simple ham, which I will probably eat first, splitting portions for those other meals as I go.  If I cook a few sides each week, then a whole large meal once or twice, I can keep in food, for the most part.  Having eggs on hand, and a few other items, makes it all easier... if I could keep up on dishes.

I have shifted my days around.  I am about half way there.  No fast moves, nothing drastic.  I can do that, but not without great pains.  Of course, I know it will slip back, in some amount of time.  I think, in the thirty years I have been mostly dead, the longest I was able to keep to schedule has been since they began treating my heart, and has been three months.  College was brutal.  If I made class, I had to either be on one "shift" or another, or break through my sleep cycle to make it to class while I should have been sleeping.  Those options, of course, and missing class.

Well, on to something.  Mostly gaming.  I has been keeping me awake without wearing me down to much in a physical way.  Sure, it's Dark Souls II, an sob of a game to be sure.  Just as soon as I figure something out, something else comes along that doesn't want to work... or the game just decides it's my turn for a dying streak.  Yes, the game cheats.  Yes, it has flaws.  It, really, is a lot like life.  Or, at least, my life.  And more literal than usual.  Very few people die, let alone multiple times.  Few have, in just about all ways, lived on either side of that line, and so closely, as I have.  Often in more than one way.  That game and much of the music here really is more my story than anything else.  If I had the ability, I would be in Oregon.  While I don't think they will win, not this one, if nothing is done we will all surely lose.  Some will have to be murdered, some will have to go to prison, and bureaucrats will have to be seen as the enemy that they are and then dealt with.  Too steeped on death's door, even in this minor way, to end up on another is all.