She, of the first.

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Not a goddess.

I don't think you understand.

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I watched John Wick one and two.  I was satisfied with the answer, of two.

Quite the dream.

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I am losing the memory of it, in bits.  Vast, long.  Some of it I wouldn't pen anyway.  Some things, in my dreams, are just for me.  A rough outline, though...

I was working for the government.  Someone, good or evil, believed one of my tribes might have access, through a rite, to information they really wanted.  As a breed, double breed, I was chosen.  Not actually as a friendly gesture, but to be jerks... if I got it right by understanding the dream as it went along.  I was not a party to that decision.

I ended up on the reservation, Navajo from what I gathered.  They knew I would be arriving, and were ready.  They had to choose whether they would help me through the rite, or not.  I went to a place where the men who would choose had gathered.  They had been there for some days, before my arrival, choosing the best course.

There were those for allowing me to enter the rite.  If some of those were hoping it would kill me, while some genuinely hoped I found the answer.  As with those again, the split seemed to be to deny or to protect me.  The rite was dangerous.  Not only a peril to the body, but most seriously a potential for madness existed.

I spoke with those who would speak with me.  The main indian, the chief medicine man, was inscrutable.  I had to take him at his word, or not at all.  He seemed genuinely interested in ensuring I got my chance, and seemed to have the final say.  Even as a... what I am... he... was going to allow it, regardless of the others.  He seemed to believe there was some hope in my 'journey'.  A need, a great one, existed.  And hope was all men had left.  White, brown, red, black, yellow...  I don't think he, as I, believed all men are men.  But all needed hope, or all would go dark in any case.

While going around the room, I noticed a vial, a dark blue (looked black or smoky in the dark confines of the tent complex I was in).  It was set out for me to obviously see.  There was a man, sitting not far away from it.  But not directly near it.  A couple of seats down, on a bar like serving area.  So I sat a seat from each, but attempted conversation with him.

He suggested that anything found, would have been found for a reason.  Asked if I understood.  He was neither direct with his turn of phrases, nor would he face me squarely.  I was pretty sure he couldn't be trusted, but then, from what I had heard, even many of those who wished me to do as I intended were not doing it as a favor.  Death seemed around every corner, and quite willed at me.

I took the vial, and the understanding that I didn't have friends, and walked away.  I was heading out to my lodging, to, perhaps, consider the vial, possibly take what it contained, when the chief medicine man approached.  He asked if he could walk with me a ways, and was welcome as far as I could know.

He asked for the blue vial.  Took it.  Handed me a different one.  You would not have survived.  This will see you through.  He also handed me a small fetish, or totem?  I... I'm never sure which is what.  He told me to keep it in my hand.  He then gave me a necklace, turquoise.  I'd never seen such a thing.  It must have weighed three to five pounds.  Wear this.  Return it, but wear it.

In my tent, I prepared.  Changing into more like pajamas, for comfort.  As much as possible in the heat.  I put everything else away, cleaned up the place, and began my plans.  The necklace was put on, the totem put in my hand... with it's cord wrapped around my wrist.  And the vial the chief medicine man had given me was set on a small stool before me, as I sat on my bed.

I took the stuff.  Bitter, nasty, almost gagged.  Got it down.  I thought to drink water, to clear, but thought better.  Who knows what water might do.  Then I laid down, relaxing, ready for whatever.

Quite a ride.  I went... somewhere.  Into the stars, beyond.  Into a blackness like no other.  Lights seemed to head toward me.  I couldn't create scale, there was some fear about them.  If space ships, they might well crush me, or twist me if they came too close.  But, as they approached, no danger, immediate danger, seemed to manifest.

Small, like glowworms, flying.  They had approached so fast!  Then just slowed down, stopping right near me.  I remember other things, but that is not for you.  More, I was told what to tell my bosses.  But that isn't what I saw or heard.  Yes, there is hope, but it won't be through them, and the hope wasn't with them.

To the medicine man I told all.  As well, to a priest I had been told to contact.  I had my bit to play, if mostly it was handled by passing the information to the right people, and giving false information to people who couldn't or wouldn't help.  Then I just watched as the world changed.

So many were gone, or changed.  Neighborhoods became neighborhoods again.  People began taking the time to say hello, and ask about the others, genuinely wanting to know their condition.  Men and women started marrying, and staying married, tending each other.  Women began having children, and staying at home primarily.  Though, as all know, a woman's work, as with a man's, is never done.

Schools began to educate, churches began to preach the gospel and more, roads were taken care of, if also used far less frequently.  The world just... changed.  Nations went back to being nationalists, but not international nationalists.  Trade and such was competitive but not murderously so.

Things just changed.  Oh, sure, sin still existed.  But little things, and often checked by neighbors, friends, and family before it got out of hand.  Gossip was naysaid, theft began to be handled by the parents and communities.  Drugs were slowly shoved out of communities.  The governments went back to serving the people.  Time was slain, or a time?  Something.

Oh, well, a lot of people were no more.  A lot of institutions, and those running them, ceased to be.  But those who would live a good life, could choose such, did so.  

Eureka!

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Eureka?  Isn't that what they exclaim when they find what they were digging, or striking, or else, for?  Then that would be the word.  I have been digging in my lawn, to find pipe.  A three by three by two foot deep hole, finally this morning, finding pipe... or more, pipe near the pipe perpendicular to the ground... pipe probably connected to it somehow which then runs parallel to the ground.  I found it after getting two or three more levels of dirt and rock, broken and removed... inches at a time.  I'm not a young man.

However, the sun was cresting onto my work, and the sun and I are not friends in this way.  I had to call it off.  It has been the accumulation of four or five days, over the course of a week? Two?  Digging as much as I could until I was completely drained.  

Even now, seeing squiggly light shows and stars from the bit I did this morning.  But I... got excited, and began digging with abandon, in the hopes of completely exposing the pipe.  I kept piking, and digging, and piking, and... every shovel full just got backfilled, somehow, as if a mountain was resting on t he verge of my shoveling area!  It just wouldn't open!

Then the sun came out.  And rather than quit then and there, it is as if I became mad with a lust to uncover the pipe.  No.  No!  It just would not come out, come clean.  I dug for as long as I could, defying the sun to scorch me... which it probably did.  But the pipe would not come out, dirt just... multiplied, or seemed to, as it was loosened around the pipes.

Almost bedtime.

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One last, if a bit of an extra, run with the sprinkler.  A slightly adjusted area.  Trying to hit both a fresh area, and the hole being dug.  So... that's just taking extra time.

Someone is playing around.  I can't swear the blog post is connected with the song pops, but to me, yes.  I get the sense that one followed the others, or the other way around, but in a connected fashion.  It... doesn't mean someone agrees, or even sees a pattern?  No, they see.  They may not know what pattern they see, or maybe they do.

I give people credit, often, when it is undeserved.  I also underestimate people regularly.  Look, I only have so many chips.  And, in the real world, either they are played or lost.  Even God suggests that hiding talents will yield even that to be taken.  I still don't know what happens to those who lose the talents, for, honestly, He only discusses winners, in the game.  As if there can only be winners and those who neither win nor lose.  Remember, this was time before interest earned or paid, so the only way to lose, or win, was to mechanically accumulate more money, or spend and not get a return... or lose on the return.  Anyway...

Ah. So...

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I... have had this happen before.  Just, not quite like that.

I have been ignoring music, lately.  Then something popped.  If it wasn't what it seemed, and in an odd way.  Plus... a... sensation.  A knowing.  I... knew what it meant.  More, I... realized something from the past, only in a different way.  Odd how the world does such things.

It always takes me a bit to cool down.

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Another night of rounds.  It was tough.  Neither of us were exactly lively.  I burned myself out yesterday.  Even with the long sleep, it was difficult tonight.  He is just beginning to get ground down, by the heavy day work, and the additional night work.  To bed at 00:00~01:00, up at 06:30, working in ~90 for twelve hours, then driving around five hours at night?  Right.

His other job will begin tapering, in time.  He thought it might already have happened, but not so much.  Still, he holds his breath and... does his best.  Keeping him awake tonight was tricky.  Worse, I think he slept with his eyes open.  He thought they were closed, but they weren't.  It's what I look for.  I can't drive for him, so I just have to help keep him awake.

Me?  I'm just... a bit old, ill, out of shape, and weakening to the heat as summer continues.  I'll try, again, tomorrow, to get to work early.  If I can wake.  If not, then to get to work when I can, and just take the hit.  A few more logs to move, more twiggy branches, and a lot of smaller twigs to be loaded, as well, at some point, at least one unloading of the trailer into the greens collection.  Two if I could, though I don't think that is possible.

As well, in with the other work, I could pull the stacked wood, set up the cinder blocks, cut the medium limbs into lengths (setting aside those big enough to be split, then loading those into the wheelbarrow to me moved to the splitting station), and stack the ones small enough to be burned as is.

Oh, and I could put the hay stations on the rabbit cages.  Currently I simply have wood in there, they seem to chew well enough on.  I'd rather they get timothy hay, but... for now... this does and keeps their teeth growth in check.  Oh, and getting the last multi-cage installed would be good.

I would like to move one or both standing, open air, cages to a cooler spot, and move the finishing cage to a better spot.  Both for ease of access and to hopefully make them cooler for the critters.  I have cleared the wood, so that they can be moved.  Mostly.  But I can't move them myself.  They are far too heavy and bulky for one to even drag them.  Even a near giant one.  I have great strength, and more, just no stamina... or... currently, yet.  If I keep pounding my head into the wall, will that help?  I... it... hasn't yet.  But, maybe.  I've been doing it for thirty years.  Why would I stop now?

Secret King

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I have heard that used as an accusation.  I... had to laugh.

There is... no secret about it.  As a child of God, which even the darker amongst us may be, there are none but kings.  Urhm, save for the queens.   And, no, if you have to try to get the law to push others to call you that, you... aren't a queen, or king.  Meh.  Those who are not viable sons of God, or who are on a path other than to Rome, are not kings.  Perhaps some may never go that way.  Christ said He was here for the many, not most, certainly not all.  What "the many" means is... for Him to sort.  Though... we can speculate.

I won't speculate, not this time, in this moment, for this post.

A secret winner, then, I am told.  I... did laugh.  There has never been a time I am a secret winner.  Sometimes I do win, but... don't share.  Why bother.  Either do, or do not.  Can I be wrong?  I hope so.  Anyone who thinks they are right all of the time, probably even most of the time, is... seeking headaches beyond their capacity to ameliorate.  Not the exact correct term, but with historic meaning.  For one.  But, that isn't important either.  Remember, Christ won it all by dying.  So... winning... is sort of a tricky thing... assuming you believe.  I think many fail to believe because they can't see victory in the grave.  Fair enough, for animals.  

Further, and to be honest, I... avoid the idea of winning.  Not that I am not competitive.  Not that I don't care about "being right, or correct, or such".  More that, winning, in a world of sin, is a thing of pride.  No heaven can Lucifer show me is greater than my pride.  Watch this thing.  Still, it's more.  It is also because winning, for my sake, on my terms... there is nothing that turns my blood cold and causes more trepidation.  Oh, it could happen.  And I'd regret it only slightly less than Satan regrets his choices, even if zit can't change them.  No no, His will, or nothing.  I'd rather be a humble mouse than a worldly victor.  Or, more, a victor within my will, my way.

I pray I don't win, not too consistently.  Even in my best natured attempts, of my own, I will fail, fall.  All that is good, in or from me, falls from the tree of the One Who made me.  To my own devices, I am, currently, of sin.  Fallen.  Whether man, nephilim, or child of djinn.  Yes, I know... of those, too.  Or, their possibility.

If I am to win, while it won't be secret, neither will it be my doing.  It will be a grace, by doing His will.  The Father's.  For now.  And just how well do I do that?  I can't even perfectly take my medicine, or eat and drink so that my illnesses are controlled, no matter how well I try.  So... doing God's will?  I can't even know His will, not fully.  But that is my absolute intention.

An understanding, a tech solution, an answer, and a problem.

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Sleep was good, when I finally could sleep.  What time?  Uhrm, it was around... well... after 05:00.  Anywhere from then to 09:00, I think.  Later?  Not earlier.  I think closer to the start potential to a few hours after.  I... tried to remember.  I can't recall.  I woke around 17:00~17:30, probably about in the middle.  I tried to sleep before, it just didn't work.

It is 70 outside, and nearly that inside.  The furnace is off, so that doesn't make sense.  It is heavily overcast outside, but doesn't look like we received any rain from it.  Thanks, China.  I opened everything up.  While it is warmer out there, there is a breeze coming through which is much cooler.  It was down to at least 30 last night.  That is a rather large jump in temps.  But... all good.

The understanding?  ~  Forgot.  Maybe later.

The tech solution?  Well?  I noticed my fingertips no longer hurt.  I had to think, for a second, as I was taking blood sugar this morning.  It was 217, by t he way, after getting to 101, stably, last night.  Bleh.  The thing is, the new glucometer really does take a LOT less blood.  I don't need to press my fingers for larger drops for hungrier devices... test strips really.  So?  So my finger tips aren't have blood forced through holes, it just oozes out, mostly on it's own.  A win.

The answer?  Why so tired.  I... thought I had acclimated to medicine?  Oh, have started the new medicine, but... to what I am on so far.  Reminds me, I need to call about the medicine.  Bleh.  But... again... why so tired!  It has warmed up, mostly, and is mostly stable in any case.  So... why?  Ah!  I used to drink one to four gallons of highly caffeinated tea.  I haven't had a drop, mostly, in... weeks, or a month now?  I... may have to add a cup of instant joe or two a day.  Yes, I think so.

The problem.  ~  Forgot.  Maybe later.  I... had the list of four, then, as writing... they... disappeared into the dark blue nether.  Maybe later.  If I recall, I will amend.  Troublesome memory, mostly in the morning.  Coffee!?!

Something very wicked this way comes.

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We no longer have a government.  Neither is it legitimate, nor is it for our benefit.  The military, intelligence services, even the bureaucracies, are against us.  Who, exactly, are they for?  Do they even know?  Do they just, as with tyrannies past, just do what they are told, just do their job, and not worry about who gives the orders or the effects those have?

It is even to a point where they aren't supporting what had been their system supports.  From Hollywood to the media, not only have people dropped out, but the powers that be aren't even trying to create the fake numbers which lend legitimacy.  The only reason most companies remain seemingly alive is because they are being bought by our government which is being bought by China, Japan, and whoever else is buying our debt.  It's... all debt, their is no value, worth, wealth, in any of that.

Everything is illegitimate at this point.  Nothing is supported by the people.  Whoever is in power doesn't care.  What is it they know, or think they know?  Who really is endangered?  Who is writing the scripts for news and else?  And what is coming?  I am pretty sure they don't know much.  They are afraid.  Not really of us, but of something.  Are they just buying time?  Or is there some kind of game at hand, one they think can be won?

I would be cautious.  Don't trust what you hear, what they say.  Be ready.  Have some extra food on hand.  Don't do anything without really thinking it through, no matter how dire the warnings seem.  Be careful out there, folks.  Something is terribly wrong and very few are honestly on your side.  Many who have your ear may well sell you out to get even another day themselves, or for their family.

It's coming, slow or fast.

They don't understand.

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Oh... I get that.  I didn't understand, once, at once, and more.

We all want to be right.  And, should we live in grace, we can live well... or even not such as me but... yet... live well even in our limits.  We may even live so well we may wish to require others to live rightly.  It... seems reasonable.  It... isn't.  Until He kills the mercy, mercy is required.

Mercy, patients, and other things.  Beyond us?  Such is living in a world of sin, especially if we reject this world.  Then again, if we reject this world as even Christ did, this is not his kingdom.  If it were?  If it were, there are none who could have kept His people from stopping His crucifixion.  He said it Himself.

Such powerful notions.

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There are at least two, looking, seeing, showing.  Or an AI?

The past, pride.  Losing, fighting, loving.  I... remember.  As do others.

Darkness for darkness?  Truth is, all darkness loses.  I know.

Well, time to get to work.

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The ducks were out!  Not need to let them out.  I did freshen their water.  They still have food, so all good that way.  I checked the rabbit feed and water.  all out of food, but water was still flowing.  Even so, fresh water, warmed, shortly.  It was 30 last time I looked, and probably colder last night.  It's a chill one, with the air pregnant with moisture.  And a breeze, from time to time.  It's a winter day, dark, cold, wet.  Still, it's a pretty one.  As I like... my women... sometimes.  Bitty Bitter Betty's pity party.

After I get the waterers out, I will hit the counters.  I don't think dishes will be that bad, and I can set while doing them.  The counters are going to be a major chore.  And I am still tired.  Even so, I think I can get through those.  As well, I created a short grocery list.  I am not sure how much money I have, though perhaps fifty, perhaps even three times that.  Though I don't want to spend it all.  

I'm not sure if the vehicles need gas.  The SUV does.  It has enough to get to town easily, probably several trips, but pushing it.  I think the Cruz is good.  Will check.  If so, that would be much preferred to drive in.  Whenever... I drive in.  Today?  Tomorrow?  Saturday?  It is Thursday, right?  Ah, yes it is.  I still have a batch of chicken stock, with some chicken and sausages.  But veggies would be good.

Ah.

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I forgot to grill the brats last night.  So, today.  While I have been waiting for it to warm, I lit the grill.  Wasn't sure which would happen first, but the rabbits won out.  Feed, water, and some attention, plus I opened their tarps.  It's warm enough, they should enjoy both the weather, the view, fresh air, and sunshine.  In some ways they don't care?  But, I suspect they actually do, in their own ways.

The grill got lit, now has to cool a bit.  Brats in a bit.  I'll probably have one as a snack.  The rest will be cooled and eaten with else.  I thought I had more packs, but... apparently not.  They are a great keto food.  One if you aren't hungry yet know you need to eat.  Two if hungry.  three if you pushed and really have to have something in you.  A pack has five, so that usually offers a meal and three snacks to a couple snacks and meals, or a big and little meal.

After that, I'll be looking into getting the counters cleaned.  All of them, all over again, including the ones which haven't been touched yet.  It'll be a bit of a trick, but doable.  It will be more work than I kept thinking it would be.  It'll be an hour, if I can do it straight, maybe two even so.  It isn't just washing, which would be fifteen minutes.  It is clearing, cleaning that off, drying it, finding a place for it or putting it in the wash.  Never as simple as it might be.  Still, perhaps, I could do it in an hour.  This will be the first time, in probably a year, that all of my counters have been cleaned at once.  And, probably, the first time since my mother visited, that everything on top has been cleaned and organized as well.

What a fantastic soup!

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The sausages, chicken, and broth is absolutely exquisite.  Imagine that, no vegetables!  If you have never had a truly homemade soup, from fresh homemade stock and home cooked chicken, you simply have no idea.  Campbells soups?  Chemical tasting, way too salty, and things are just wrong.  Even as I kid I realized it, but it was what I could do on my own.  Still, when mom made chicken and noodles, dumplings, or with mashed potatoes... or beef as any of those and more options yet...

It took a long time for me to find my way back to her cooking.  A domestic diva, she really could put out a super meal.  Still does.  Time has been hard on her, arthritis and else.  Weary, to the bones.  It is difficult, but she still is able to develop a plan.  Though, maybe, it takes longer, or she needs some help, or... sometimes... someone else has to do much.  I... understand.

For the moment, it seems, eating rightly is bringing me around.  As close as I have gotten to death, over that border and back several, perhaps many, times, I stopped giving up.  After that, I have paddled as well as I could.  With both, with a single, sometimes just with my hands and/or feet, in that cold cold river.  I have been paddling now for going on twenty years.  Getting nowhere, going backwards, but... I knew where I was called to be and made my way there as I could.

This food... it is magic.  Now I dropped vegetable shortening, I backed from as many vegetables and almost all grains, and I have gone long on meats and fats.  But that was sort of where she was.  Meats have always been pricey, and we haven't had a lot of coin.  Same today.  I just spend more of my personal allowances on better foods.  I still lack, a bit, but... getting there.

And it is showing.  My body is changing, healing, improving.  Work really takes it out of me, but I can work, and have almost every day for... a week... two... three?  Well, nearly every day.  If only a few dishes, a load of laundry, and making food, that is more than I have done off medicine ever.  I have done a nearly as good, for much longer, on medicine.  I can only imagine if I could combine the two.

Why not on medicine?  Every time I get near to being able to get on medicine, and drop out for a month if needed, something else comes up that keeps me needing to stay in the game.  Getting a lawyer, currently, is the problem.  But to do that I have to be awake in the day, and able to speak coherently.  I am... getting there.  Tomorrow, I hope.

I can only imagine what being acclimated to meds, getting their benefits, and eating so very correctly will do.  I have been able to... go astray, from time to time, and not have it be ruinous.  It's the portion and by percent.  Still, I am working even on not splurging in quite that way.  I am trying to making splurging a thing of fats.  Anyway... that was some awesome soup!

Oh, I will probably eat the meats out before consuming all the stock, and have been trying.  I will use that stock to cook the kidneys!  I love the way things work, some days.  Later.

How to do food?

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My goal is to cut consumption, along with the control of certain aspects of that consumption.  The amount of macros, of which there are three, carbs, protein, and fat.  Consumption is a two edged thing, as it involves quantity and calories, perhaps even satiety... how full I feel.  It's a tricky game, and while heading into keto, it is a sliding scale sort of thing... meaning I can go from having no hunger to all of a sudden being hungry no matter how much I eat.

If feeding the right amount of macros, especially getting in fat initially, the body has to relearn, or just plain learn, how to consume fats for it's energy needs.  It doesn't want to do that.  So?  So, no matter how many fats you eat, your body will balk at being satisfied with it.  Sometimes you simply have to go a little hungry.  Other times, if you are leading up to failure, it is best to add more fats.  Eventually the body figures out that it won't get what it wants, so will make due.  On the good side, when it learns to make do, it actually is much easier to satisfy, the energy returns on less food is better, and a lack of appetite can, does, occur.

Though to, there are two types of hunger.  Perhaps others?  One is purely physical.  It means your body is hitting an energy issue, needs food to continue.  As well, there is a mental hunger.  The body doesn't need anything, but the mind wants it.  Or...  All of it's history leads it to believe that more food is or will shortly be needed... wanted.  It isn't as logical as the physical need category.  But it can be much more severe.  Further, there isn't a mechanical means of ending that sort of hunger.  It isn't satisfied by food... but by some emotional sensation which food might bring, often going well beyond satiation.

I am at some weird stage of keto.  Sometimes I am not hungry, until I drop into starvation mode (if I am not careful), sometimes I am terribly hungry... though as often physically and mentally hungry.  Mirages, in every direction.  The answer?  To a degree, I have to determine what I am facing.  Real, physical, hunger has to be fed.  As lightly as possible, but reasonably.  Mental hunger has to have it's emotional satiation found... often I used tea or other drinks.  Or filling but low calorie and low carb foods.  Or very high fat foods, and just splurge.   As to feeling no hunger?  I must eat, figure it out and eat several times a day... slightly blindly.  Aim for the macros if also try not to graze.  Tricky damned business, but it does pay off.  As well, sometimes I just have to go hungry.  Which to do at any given time?  It's a puzzle which needs figured out each time.

If I am hungry, as I was after dinner, my first objective is to figure out what sort of hunger I am dealing with.  If it is psychological, I attempt to use tea to pacify.  If it is physical, I still attempt to resist, for as long as possible.  If those methods don't work, I attempt to just allow for the hunger, offering it to God much as I do pain.  At some point, however, I act on it.

In this case, I waited between an half hour and hour, letting the hunger be, ignoring it as much as possible.  After a certain time, I realized tea and patience wouldn't cure the problem.  So, I had a kefir berry smoothie.  Nothing fancy, not too much, but slightly, mostly, satiating.  I am, oddly, still hungry.  I will not eat again for an hour or more like two.  Drinking tea in the interim.  Not sure what the problem is.

Even so, that is as good as I can do.  I have recently gone a bit on too little food.  Perhaps this is a price for that, or it is just my body not wanting to go into keto.  I will do my best to keep fat heavy, and if I must splurge, to keep extra fat heavy.  I am finally really beginning to try to nail keto.  I will have to fight for it.  But I think it might work extremely well this time.

Bone stock and kefir are the backbone of keto, currently.  Homecooked, from scratch mostly, though with room for a small potato a week, a small portion of carrots here or there, and a few other not absolute keto foods.  I don't believe in absolutes, just simple to vast majority and minority situations.  It may be a bit rough, sometimes.  But I think this is the way I will work things.  I think I can.

Still slightly hungry, but I can... wait.  Not sure what I will have later, though I think carbquik pancakes, a few fried eggs, and maybe one of the remaining sausages.  I cooked half the sausages, need to use the rest in the next week.  Or... if I get to cooking the chicken, that chicken cream dish, though I might add a sausage in with the carrots at the beginning.

Just offering how I am doing keto, trying to do it.  Each time I have done a run to it, it has gotten smoother.  I have more of the ingredients, more practice, experience, skills, tools...  I will always fall, from time to time, I know that.  But... when you get tight in it, a fall is... almost a boon.  And, sometimes, it doesn't even toss me out of keto or kill my diabetes.  Just not every day, again.  Good luck with your projects, plans, hobbies, and such.  Later.

Eating has become... difficult.

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No, not chewing.  More being motivated enough to go cook.  I get hungry, sometimes, sort of.  I want food.  I love the idea of food.  I can taste food, more acutely than ever.  My taste buds have matured to a point where raw kefir tastes sweet, or has a sweetness to or in it.  Raw berries can be enjoyed, sometimes... though a little keto sweetener is good from time to time too.

The flavors and textures of food are better defined in my mind that ever in my life.  A pate, versus a mousse, versus a cooked liver are as plainly different to me as an ice cream to a sorbet, a mild lemon versus lime, an apple cider vinegar to a white or wine vinegar.  I am not a virtuoso in the kitchen.  But I can put a reasonable meal together.

Meats to fish, root vegetables to greens, sprouting grasses to grains, fermentation to dehydrating, and learning as I go.  Not just for taste, if that is part of the aim, I too have become a minor nutritionist.  I am learning to balance macros, calories, flavors, various foods, and products to tend as well as sustain my flesh.  I do passing well, at least in theory.  My body and it's limits provide limits.  As well, reality.  No one can do everything.  A woman to cover my weaknesses, or add to my strengths, would surely help.  Even then, limits... just fewer of them.

Still, after all the learning, practice, obtaining of tools, collecting of special foods, deciphering of recipes, experience with my own body and with the various concoctions, chemical reactions, solutions, and else... I... find myself rarely hungry!  I have to push to eat.  Oh, if I want to eat?  I can.  Certain foods will drive me to near... even into... gluttony.  Carbs are what alcohol used to be.  A rare delight which drove me deeper into itself, until I burned out.  Then a wait until next time.

If I go too long without eating enough, a switch turns on.  My body commands that I eat.  My will is broken, and I will make a pan of beans, if usually adding burger and cheese.  A loaf of bread, or two, to eat with it.  And, often, I will make enough for a day or two of eats.  Much as with spaghetti and meat sauce recently.  So?  So I do my damnedest to keep ahead of that killswitch.  Which... means... I need to get food.  I need to eat a lot of food, soon.  Nuts only go so far, but they help.  Soufflés will do well, but the little baking dishes are gone.  I used to have half a dozen to a score.  Gone.  I have one remaining.  Not happy about that.  I have glass ramekins, but they don't do so well, shaped like an ice cream cone, so they push up even more... too much more for a safe, easy, right rise.  Ugh.  Still... I better get on it before I dive into carbs.

I am almost sure.

.

.

Well, it's just an AI, playing.  But... I enjoy.

Trust?

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.

You?  Me?  Each other?  I don't trust my own, whichever that may be.  I don't trust others.  It's just the way it is.  My faith is in God, not even in myself.  And, yet, I have to start somewhere.  So?  So I trust you at face value until you prove that isn't possible.  Even then, I won't hate you.  I just won't trust you.  Your failure isn't mine.  Even if you steal me blind, you have truly only hurt yourself.

Not liver.

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.

I like liver.  I just didn't feel like it.  Plus, it requires a lot of attention... at each of several steps.  Instead?  Kielbasa in sauerkraut.  No, not a true sauerkraut.  But, then again, if you cook even honestly fermented sauerkraut, you kill all the living goodies.  So...  Anyway.  I fried sliced and then fried the kielbasa in a bit of butter.  After I got both ends slightly crisped, I added diced onions and garlic.  I let that go for a bit, then just added the sauerkraut.

Funny thing?  I... didn't think I liked kielbasa!  :p  And, I would guess, straight up, I probably don't.  It's a bit rich.  Still, with the butter, kraut, onions, and garlic, heated just right, fried a bit in a cast skillet?  That was truly a very fine little meal.  Cold tea on the side.  There is a bit left.  I may have the rest of it later.  Still working on... working?  Right.

I did get the freezer washed off, did just a bit of cleaning.  I need to get the waterers in, and refill any needed.  Then probably reset the dishes... or just hot rinse them, then take them to the freezer top to dry and set them to air dry finish overnight.  I'd like to get a shower in, then put the whites which includes the towel I will be using, in to wash.  Perhaps setting up another small batch or two of dishes?  Something like that.

I am getting tired again.  I'd better push, or plan to not get that much done.

I had a dream yesterday night... day?  No, not the nap, the night before.  Two dreams actually.

In the first, H. Clinton was being queen bee.  And, it seems, she got stung.  There were a lot more details, but... that will do.  I'm not sure she survived it.  Limits.  Everybody has them.

In the other dream, a group of family and friends from Iowa showed up.  We got hit by a major snow storm.  They figured out an alternative heating source in my home, and got it up and running.  Found it, really.  They also stored enough resources to run it for probably close to a full winter.  Even though this winter is pretty much over?

We had some good meals, and drink... if I went quite light on drink.  Still, they had traveled long and done well.  I wasn't sure, to be honest, if I could trust them, what their motives were.  But... I just enjoyed and... let whatever might happen, happen.  It worked out well.  Yea, I am paranoid.  I... seem to... develop that... skill? talent? disease? in others.  Oh well.

A lot more details in this dream.  The snow was very deep, like a three feet drop?  And more.  Anyway.  Even so, even if just in a dream, it was good to see folk from back home, even if I didn't fully trust.  Then again... when do I trust?  Though, when do I worry about not trusting?  It really all is in God's hands.  Further, I'd rather an opportunity for heaven, or even a better healthier body if I am going to be needed down here still.  And death just might provide that.  Either way, any way, sooner or later, it has to happen in any, every, case.

Good night... if I still have a few things to do.  Still amazed with that kielbasa.  Grateful to God for the many and varied gifts... foods, housing, animals, friends, and even family.  :)  Yea.  Amen.