Well, so much for acing a test. I am hoping I passed. Perhaps not that bad, but it was not a slapshot. I did one of the problems when I arrived home, and found that I had made a math error. I found, while speaking with others after the test, that one answer I produced was incorrect. I am hoping I did the easier problems correctly. I just do not have a sense for the truth of that though. I will just have to dig in, with what I have left, and keep on studying. I am still quite tired, lately, but I do not think that played a large part, as it did on the quiz. At least he (our professor) does not take 2 or 3 weeks to grade our tests. I will know how dismal it was Monday most likely.
I had been planning on a visit to my mother’s home after this test. After looking at my finances, I realized I could not go. I keep promising, and putting it off. I am almost certain she will give me a hug and a peck on the cheek, when she sees me next. And then, immediately set me about building scaffolding for my hanging. I would like to say I would help her, but like I said, I will be!
I had thought to take a lesser physics, an intermediate physics to be more precise, this next term. But I really just am too tired. As well, the expense is a real drain with no promise of recuperation via work. I should invest in a set of cross country skis for traveling back country in the snow and then set about taking lessons and practicing. Yes, that means I am hoping for snow. It might not make me very popular, but nobody actually knows me or could connect me with this blog. So, I am safe with my hopes. Besides, as honest and open as I am, I am quite sure these folks around here hate me for other reasons. However, this is not a bad thing. I hope many people in this world do not like me. From some people, this is a compliment. I hope the president sees it that way too, though, I really would not wish to be lumped with him, exactly, either. He is a decent president though, and the people who hate him, would actually really hate me. I think the lad is a little soft in the wrist, politically speaking, for my tastes.
Not much else here. I’m up late, was going to go to bed but I became very hungry of a sudden. So, I popped some potatoes in the oven and am planning on having a thick cut New York Strip. A glass of milk, whole, some sour cream (full fat, as much as I can get), and a nice quiet place will top off the meal most pleasantly. Oh, I had thought about a beer fest to mollify my disappointment, but I just, in the end, did not feel like it. At least I do not feel crushed.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
On the morrow.
I have studied well for this test. Thankfully, my class is in the afternoon. After having problems with sleeping too much before, I am having problems sleeping at all now, until I crash. I have usually been able to control this, though I was 5 minutes late for class Monday. There is nothing as horrifying as not being able to control yourself, in any fashion. This is little better than have bladder control problems. At least with that, people do understand (if they then expect you to begin wearing continence unders or something). In any case, I have usually been able to wake and get going in time for class. I am actually looking forward to this test, sort of. I am hoping to truly ace a test. It is all derivative of at least double variable functions and various uses of these which we will be tested upon, and, I think, my last chance to nail test down. Double (and more) integrals are next, and they look a bit hairier. I think I will be able to do them, and well, though I am dubious about acing the test on those. And, with the final, well... acing would be beautiful, but highly unlikely.
I have been spending days prepping for this test. My study partner has been great. He is a good guy, if definitely to my left by miles. He has a good mind, work ethic, and is quite companionable. Even debating politics is usually tit-for-tat. Tonight we both got a bit worked up. I am hoping it is the just the stress and fear that these sorts of tests generate. Being two bearish males, under stress, and both tired, it happens. He works a full time job and is taking 3 engineering courses, while being married with one adult child living with them. I am not sure how he does it, but if there were a way, I would lend him some of my sleeping hours. Lord knows, I need to be awake more, and would love to be awake more. If nothing else, just to crack into the physics. Worthy study partners are rare, from my experience. Actually, I had hoped I would be able to heavy up on physics enough to lighten his load, not to mention bone up on the subject, but it just is not going to happen. I am barely dragging myself to school and to study with him, sleeping or awake but exhausted the rest of my days.
Well heck, at least I really enjoy the course. Our teacher is super. He can be tricky, he is not easy, but he is available, straight-up with his expectations, and a very good guide through this material, if one pays attention. The little two year college I attend has really made a positive impression on me. Should the world not destroy itself while I am out healing, it is on the menu for my return.
The world is a whisper,
shouted in my ear.
It hurts beautifully.
It mends with a scar.
I find myself wrapped in it’s time.
In it’s space, I share a place.
It has a function that is me.
I use it for that reason.
In time,
I hope to see more.
I have been spending days prepping for this test. My study partner has been great. He is a good guy, if definitely to my left by miles. He has a good mind, work ethic, and is quite companionable. Even debating politics is usually tit-for-tat. Tonight we both got a bit worked up. I am hoping it is the just the stress and fear that these sorts of tests generate. Being two bearish males, under stress, and both tired, it happens. He works a full time job and is taking 3 engineering courses, while being married with one adult child living with them. I am not sure how he does it, but if there were a way, I would lend him some of my sleeping hours. Lord knows, I need to be awake more, and would love to be awake more. If nothing else, just to crack into the physics. Worthy study partners are rare, from my experience. Actually, I had hoped I would be able to heavy up on physics enough to lighten his load, not to mention bone up on the subject, but it just is not going to happen. I am barely dragging myself to school and to study with him, sleeping or awake but exhausted the rest of my days.
Well heck, at least I really enjoy the course. Our teacher is super. He can be tricky, he is not easy, but he is available, straight-up with his expectations, and a very good guide through this material, if one pays attention. The little two year college I attend has really made a positive impression on me. Should the world not destroy itself while I am out healing, it is on the menu for my return.
The world is a whisper,
shouted in my ear.
It hurts beautifully.
It mends with a scar.
I find myself wrapped in it’s time.
In it’s space, I share a place.
It has a function that is me.
I use it for that reason.
In time,
I hope to see more.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
There Is Only One Truth
In discussions, I have been exploring the notion of reality. This is not so deep as it may seem, reality just is. My belief is that reality just is, in any case. To my mind, there are not alternate versions of reality. What happens happens and what does not happen does not. And mis-constructions of what happens is due to folly or our inability to understand and process what we are sensing. Though that is quite simple, and I believe quite true, the implications of this are profound.
When you throw a rock into a pond, if the pond is initially placid and the rock is (magically) perfectly precise, the surface of the pond will ripple in a circular manner with a wave similar to a sine or cosine shape, for example. If the pond is perfectly placid every time you perfectly through the rock precisely in the same spot with all else being equal, the same thing will happen every time. It was proffered to me that because of the potential of there being many dimensions, what we see happen is not all that happens. That is simple, even if there are many, even infinite dimensions, that ripple we see will cause the same affect, within the constraints of the variable dimensions, each and every throw of the stone as well. That is simple enough, is it not? Essentially, the laws of nature are correct and absolute, regardless if we understand them in there full context. It is actually reassuring, in some sense. In another, however, it opens a whole world of doubt.
If reality is all there is, and we are a part of that reality, then we cannot do anything we are not supposed to do. We are merely functionaries of the laws of physics, biology, and such. As such, we are simply animals. Like cats, we merely show affection because we are shown affection. Like dogs, if we cannot breed it or eat it, we mark it. We give only so that we may take. We are biological robots. Free choice, then, is a complete illusion.
I do believe, in the normal spaces of our life, that last sentence is true. Most of what we do, we do because we, or someone or something else, developed us to do so. However, I believe there moments in our life where we may break with the bonds of nature and make choices beyond animal responses. We may choose to do the right thing, which often may not be in our best interest. We may also choose to do the wrong thing in order to obtain that which we desire.
If the fact is that reality is exact and true AND we have some limited free choice to do good or evil, then something has to be outside of the laws of nature to allow for that. There is no other way. Either we are functions of nature and cannot choose our path, or something outside of that has allowed us some manner free choice. Though it cannot be proved, it, like a black hole, can not only be identified, but measured to some degree (a lesser degree than the certainty of a black hole, though much more explosive in it’s nature).
I think most believe we are merely animals. Perhaps most are incapable of seeing beyond themselves. If someone sees a wealthy man, they would have his wealth, one way or another, given the opportunity. If a man sees a beautiful woman, he would have her, one way or another, given the opportunity. If people see power, they would have it, one way or another, given the opportunity. Then there are men who would not take what they did not earn and could not support or do right by. There are men who would not take advantage of a woman in need. There are men who choose not for themselves, but for a whole system of rightness. These men, today, are few. They are few enough to be inconsequential, at this point, to politics, power, business, or anything worldly. And yet, these are the men who have value to the only thing that is important. Whatever lies outside of what we see and can know, that which offers us the chance to be more than just animals, loves these men greatly. Therein lies my hope.
I must admit, I cannot be sure I am among these men. I understand my limits, I fail in flesh and I do not always try to show the light to others. I only understand that it is my goal to be among these men, at any cost. It is my goal to be selfless without self-depreciation. It is my goal to not ask for or receive that which is not mine or that which I cannot support. It is my goal to do what I believe is the will of this entity, rather than my will.
In my simple beliefs, however, I do not believe the last sentence in the last paragraph is necessary, in one way. If what I am saying is true, I will do His will either willingly or not. I will either bow to him and his will, or go against it, but in the further and ultimate truth, my will is not my own. So it comes down to whom or what I decide to lend credence to through the enactment that little bit of willfulness I can rightly claim as my own.
That is not exactly right, but I am working through it. Given some time, I might be able to get that precise and correct. Back to calculus. I have a test tomorrow, and I have to train the animal to hunt tricky numbers.
When you throw a rock into a pond, if the pond is initially placid and the rock is (magically) perfectly precise, the surface of the pond will ripple in a circular manner with a wave similar to a sine or cosine shape, for example. If the pond is perfectly placid every time you perfectly through the rock precisely in the same spot with all else being equal, the same thing will happen every time. It was proffered to me that because of the potential of there being many dimensions, what we see happen is not all that happens. That is simple, even if there are many, even infinite dimensions, that ripple we see will cause the same affect, within the constraints of the variable dimensions, each and every throw of the stone as well. That is simple enough, is it not? Essentially, the laws of nature are correct and absolute, regardless if we understand them in there full context. It is actually reassuring, in some sense. In another, however, it opens a whole world of doubt.
If reality is all there is, and we are a part of that reality, then we cannot do anything we are not supposed to do. We are merely functionaries of the laws of physics, biology, and such. As such, we are simply animals. Like cats, we merely show affection because we are shown affection. Like dogs, if we cannot breed it or eat it, we mark it. We give only so that we may take. We are biological robots. Free choice, then, is a complete illusion.
I do believe, in the normal spaces of our life, that last sentence is true. Most of what we do, we do because we, or someone or something else, developed us to do so. However, I believe there moments in our life where we may break with the bonds of nature and make choices beyond animal responses. We may choose to do the right thing, which often may not be in our best interest. We may also choose to do the wrong thing in order to obtain that which we desire.
If the fact is that reality is exact and true AND we have some limited free choice to do good or evil, then something has to be outside of the laws of nature to allow for that. There is no other way. Either we are functions of nature and cannot choose our path, or something outside of that has allowed us some manner free choice. Though it cannot be proved, it, like a black hole, can not only be identified, but measured to some degree (a lesser degree than the certainty of a black hole, though much more explosive in it’s nature).
I think most believe we are merely animals. Perhaps most are incapable of seeing beyond themselves. If someone sees a wealthy man, they would have his wealth, one way or another, given the opportunity. If a man sees a beautiful woman, he would have her, one way or another, given the opportunity. If people see power, they would have it, one way or another, given the opportunity. Then there are men who would not take what they did not earn and could not support or do right by. There are men who would not take advantage of a woman in need. There are men who choose not for themselves, but for a whole system of rightness. These men, today, are few. They are few enough to be inconsequential, at this point, to politics, power, business, or anything worldly. And yet, these are the men who have value to the only thing that is important. Whatever lies outside of what we see and can know, that which offers us the chance to be more than just animals, loves these men greatly. Therein lies my hope.
I must admit, I cannot be sure I am among these men. I understand my limits, I fail in flesh and I do not always try to show the light to others. I only understand that it is my goal to be among these men, at any cost. It is my goal to be selfless without self-depreciation. It is my goal to not ask for or receive that which is not mine or that which I cannot support. It is my goal to do what I believe is the will of this entity, rather than my will.
In my simple beliefs, however, I do not believe the last sentence in the last paragraph is necessary, in one way. If what I am saying is true, I will do His will either willingly or not. I will either bow to him and his will, or go against it, but in the further and ultimate truth, my will is not my own. So it comes down to whom or what I decide to lend credence to through the enactment that little bit of willfulness I can rightly claim as my own.
That is not exactly right, but I am working through it. Given some time, I might be able to get that precise and correct. Back to calculus. I have a test tomorrow, and I have to train the animal to hunt tricky numbers.
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