Didn't want to go.

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My mother insisted.  My Christmas package should have been in, and she was 'distressing'.  I didn't make it in to check Monday, or Tuesday.  Finally, today.  Though I suspect that it had been in for a while.  Something about final notice.  But the problem is, I was in Thursday and/or Friday.  It might have been missed though.  Or... not, as a solution set of several types.

Now, to get out, I had to be awake.  Literal mornings are, generally speaking, my current prime sleeping hours.  If you run a normal day, my mornings would be, say, midnight to 4:00.  Imagine trying to focus in those hours.  I had to shower, dress, then today clear snow.  Further, now I can't quite get back to sleep.  I am dropping off now, but it's an ugly odd thing.  Sleep will be weird.  Oh, and everything I removed, snow wise, is back.  Bleh.

Ah, but I did call to set an appointment with my new doctor.  The middle of next month, or thereabouts.  I added it to my calendar right away, or it would be potentially forgotten.  I'll keep at things.  But first, sleep!  I need sleep so badly.  I set the appoint out a bit just to try to get my days and nights more properly ordered by the time the appointment arrives.  I'll be pushing days and nights in the hopes of making it on time.  It will be a push.  You have no idea how good it is to be able to keep a steady schedule.  If you can do it, enjoy it.

Good... night, I suppose.

Chilly.

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That isn't the only problem, just one of them.  The old motor grinds while I attempt to kick it over.  I had realized that this might be the last of my medicine, so had stumbled a bit, again, about taking it.  When I realized how low, and how much last time had taken to get a resupply... if it hadn't gone through I was just going to let that go.  I still had my eye on another path, but that was unlikely.  I realized, about a week ago, that... something was going to happen or a major failure was due.  Anyway, with a resupply on the way I can take what I have with some confidence, plan a doctor visit, and get back on track.

Well, that left no scars, or marks.

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I wasn't sure how that would go.  I reordered medicine.  No hitch, no argument, no phone tag.  It was a simple transaction.  Okay to send the insulin tomorrow?  Why, yes, I believed so.  I didn't make any fuss, tried not to cause any issues, didn't comment one way or the other.  I am simply in it for medication, my health as much as that is possible.  Ego, after as many times as I have torched even my own, is not a part of my program.  Anyway.  Medicine on the way.

I actually woke a little earlier because I heard the phone.  I was sure it had rung a number of times.  It indicates only two calls.  One from Iowa, the other for sure my mother.  My guess is both were from here, one was simply a landline.  She wanted me to check the mail.  But, when I finally called her back, it was 11:30 I believe.  The post closes at noon, so... yeah, no.  Some days I can pop, jump, and run.  That is rare and becoming rarer.  Today was not one of those days.  Tomorrow, though.  I will... figure it out.

Ah, with medicine seeming to be back on track I decided to call the doctor I had been seeing.  If he still has room, I will begin seeing him again.  While I was going through my phone, trying to remember his name, I finally did contact management.  It looks like, somehow, my phone synced with my email address in a weird fusion that simply didn't make sense.  Much nonsense was removed, and some old links that are gone.  I... didn't remove my recently dead friend's number... not quite yet.  In time.  Perhaps after a grave visit or two.  Too few of those I have cared for, who are gone, have gotten such a visit.  Not by choice, quite often, mind you.  Some know no place, others were lost to me in ways that wouldn't make sense to you.  Yes, perhaps visiting a grave will... help sort things.

On with the day.  I'll set some things back in play and do what I may.  Good day.

A bit.

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Not what I had hoped, not along my plans, just a few things on general lists of things to do.  As well, sleep is just off.  Eight to twelve up and down.  Not a regular day.  No worries, I'll keep at it.

One of the things I did was make a meal.  Fried chicken gizzards and hearts.  It just didn't work out well.  Still, a bite is a bite.  I'll try to figure something out for the week.  Hmm, ham and beans.  I really do love that, and it lasts a good long time.  There should be enough to freeze.  And it is easy enough to cook.  Even starting with dry beans.  It would be good to get to town for small grocery shopping.  Onions go very well in ham and beans.  Carrots would be good for peanut butter topped snacks.  I like celery but it goes bad so fast.  Not sure about shopping today.

I did get the trash out.  No recycling, not sure if this is the week.  I keep resetting the dishes.  I did get a shower in.  I've been showering often, and really hitting my feet with the pumice stone.  I haven't had feet this human feeling in years.  I'll keep at that.

I don't know.  It's a bit rough, just in that I can't quite seem to do proper days or keep on target.  Other than that, I think I'm doing much better than I had been since summer started.  I'll keep at it.  If you were supposed to, or thought you would, hear from me... and haven't?  Don't take it personally.  I'm just a bit off.  Later.

Push for more.

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I am still a bit laid up.  Two days out, and all-dayers, really put a pinch on my motivation.  At least it didn't end up doing anything truly foul.  As well, it didn't dampen my spirits or will to action.  Both are still in good stead, ready to be applied even over slight exhaustion.

I have decided, short term, my goal is to clean the kitchen, top to bottom, with as much speed as I may muster.  If I do that, to real satisfaction, say by Wednesday... then maintain that until I recover, I hope to head out snowshoeing.  Maybe just in the back yard, but plenty.  If that doesn't tucker me too much, I know of another place, Green Canyon.  That is where my former woman and myself went "cross-country" skiing.  They have a side path for snowshoes.  I may also seek other places, if that goes well.

After that the goal is to hit the living room.  Strip it nearly down to the bare, vacuum and steam vac, reset the place... all while keeping the kitchen in order.  If I can keep those things together, then I'd like to set up a camp in the back yard.  And, if that goes well, and I can arrange a camp well enough that an overnight in very cold temps is possible, then I might try to combine the snowshoeing and camping.  Part of what called me here was to have to cold winter wind kiss my cheeks high in the mountains.  And, if I can only get that to happen once, it would need to be soon.  Though, who knows... if I become a minor mountain man, perhaps that will extend things.  Not a part of the plan, just a possibility.

A shower, first thing.  Then I set the dishes to soak.  I may put laundry in later.  As I suggested, however, the only thing I plan to do this weekend, on the main, is to put together several dress outfits for church, church events, social events, and such.  I should have enough for four main whole outfits, if I need to work on shoes... having several that are too tight with occasional swelling and an pair of oxfords that don't actually go with true dress slacks.  As well, I might have enough else to varying those four mains.  But they may all need some to much care, perhaps replacements here and there, or repair.  I need ties, too.  What I have are quite shabby.  Not good enough for God, not right for men of good intent.  And, yes, that means something.  This isn't pride, this was requested by the church and God.  And, by heaven, if men of humbler means and meaner circumstances can show up in clean, neat, and right... I... I'll do it too.

Oh, and have a good day.  This isn't meant to be a bummer post.  I hope it to be... hrm... motivational.  If I seem too focused, with seeming too much intent, understand that for the dead to live, great care must be gathered and directed.  Yes, good day, and later.

Well, that works.

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I finally snuck out to the garage, to see if my phone was in the vehicle.  At first it didn't seem so.  Then, there it was, under this and that.  However it was dead.  I was able to get it to turn on, barely.  Alarms and warnings about cataclysm, plus when I plugged it in I was informed that the battery was too cold to charge, so I turned it off and gave it an half hour to warm up.  Charging, now, finally.  All good.  Saves me a trip to town, that would be the only other place it might have been.

I woke later in the morning, I think.  I thought I saw 10:02 or 10:20, but I'm not sure if that is when I woke or if that is when I went to the bathroom one time or another.  Here it is, at 16:00, and I am quite tired.  I am pushing to stay awake until... 20:00?  Somewhere in there.  That might help reset my days and nights.  It's shining out there, as much as it can in winter.  Which is quite nice.  All I need is that little touch of sun, from time to time, as a safety rope to grab onto.  It allows some opportunity, all else working, to straighten things out.

I finished the last of the ribeye roast.  It was the smallest one in the store, something I purchased to replace the ducks I lost.  Yes, the freezer came unplugged and I lost the ducks.  This time, though, I know what happened.  It was my fault.  Bleh.  When I first realized it, I was so angry I couldn't spit.  I just left it as was until I could regather my wits.  When I collected and tamed my emotions, I looked it over.  The cord had gotten caught on a lower back corner.  And I had moved the freezer out, in order to sweep behind it.  I never got to the sweeping, but one day decided to bump the freezer back against the wall.  But the cord that was around the corner pulled just barely enough to unplug the freezer from the extension cord, but without pulling the plug all of the way out.

The ribeye was good though.  I'll order more duck next month.  Just two.  Oh, but the ribeye roast was inexpensive, compared to the duck, by pound, though I'm not sure if by pound of actual meat?  The poor roast was not quite full.  It was the end cut, so of questionable appearance, size, and quality.  It ended up being quite good.  Half yesterday, plus.  The remnant today.  It made for quite a nice meal.

Hmm?  I'm not sure.  Another day of partial rest, then Sunday...  The only thing I hope to do today and/or tomorrow is to get several dress clothes sets prepped, polish my oxfords (once I find them... and my hiking boots too I suppose, as they work as winter dress, at least with corduroys), and look for another pair of dress shoes.  I want to prepare to go to official events, and keep that prep ready.  I've fallen down on that and I'd like to fix it.  Choir events, Mass, confession, whatever...  I need, want too but really need, to get back to work on these things.  Hmm, some slacks may go in to the dry cleaner.  Not my favorite way, simply required.

Later.

Belated.

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Sincere even so.  Merry Christmas.

Oh, I was in good cheer.  I did make a special Christmas meal.  I prayed through the day.  That will continue for the twelve days.  Only I was a bit limited from what I have been doing.  I overworked, just a bit, so was a bit lower level.  No fuss, worry, or pain, mind you.  Oh, and I seem to have misplaced my phone.  Perhaps when I visited my friend I left it at his place.  So odd, that is the first time I have left my phone elsewhere.  I have lost it here at home.  I have forgotten it in the vehicle.  Then again, I should check there first.  Oh, and when I find it, I best make some calls.

It was a good, if quiet, Christmas.  I hope your day was enjoyed.  If you have too much company and bother to enjoy it, I merely suggest that you divest yourself of the excess.  Oh, trust me, you can.  It is a choice.  It is a fine holy day to keep humble, simple, and right.

No pain, enjoying life, a little tired from overdoing.  And yet that was good too.  It is much better, in my estimation, to fall just a bit after overdoing than to fall for no reason whatsoever.  I love to work, visit, do, and go.  After I recover, I hope to get back to it.  We have good snow.  Snowshoes might be doable.

Just letting you know I haven't gotten into too much of a bind or anything.  Be well, again Merry Christmas, and I hope you have a fine New Years Eve celebration or solemnity and then begin the next year on a good foot.

Oh, right.

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I have been so busy I didn't blog.  Two days ago, I got in to visit my friend.  He had been ill, and down.  Harshly.  The flu, deathly ill.  I told him, if he is ever that ill, to call.  I won't overstay, but I can bring him flu medicine, I can find chicken soup and bring that... preferably from one of the shops that makes it fresh, I can bring groceries or other needs.  In senior living, someone that ill becomes a person non grata.  Fear runs high, death is always near.  I am... rather healthy for being mostly dead.  However, having been down for a month or more, and probably worse than me, plus with no company, well... We talked all night.

I returned late, but had promised my mother I would get out, had other business, and such.  I didn't go to bed until 8:30 yesterday, but needed to be up by noon.  I woke at about 11:00, but had to shower and push to make it to the post office by noon, they close then.  So I pushed.  As I was getting ready to go, I realized it had snowed, and enough that driving over it would... be problematic... packing snow into ice along the drive length.  Never good, can last all winter.  So... I grabbed the shovel and cleared a place for the wheels the length of the drive.  About killed me, but I really had things to do, I made promises, I was dedicated and directed.  And the clock was ticking.  I did make it to the post office, and in time.

Then I went on to town.  Bank business, this, that, an attempt to get in to have my tires rotated, if that failed... but I felt sorry for the lads, they were backed up and running hot, and so close to Christmas.  On and on, I did task after job after duty, knocking them down and out as fast as I could.  I couldn't do everything, but I showed up and made the effort.  Then I got my friend out again.  I needed a coffee reload.  Since I make such a good deal on it in bulk, I could afford to offer him some of it.  Plus, as much as I get, it gets a bit old by the time I am down to the last of it.  A good deal all around.  So to the shop.  Only, this time, they sorted the big bag into little ones for me!  Fantastic.  Now both my friend and I have, to my taste buds, the best coffee in the valley.  And, even so, because of the deal, I make off with 1/2 pound free, unless my math on that was wrong.  Though I don't think so.  But... that's why I'm not an accountant.  :p

Oh, but while I was away?  Someone came and stole all the rest of the snow off my drive!  Thank you, by the way.  Somethings are gladly found to be missing.

In any case, two long days out, much done, lots of conversations...  It took me away.  I hope, however, that I caused no concern.  And, maybe, that my ability to turn things around, get out, push, work, drive, visit, and such... inspires.  I am hoping it lifts the pall from the last months and offers a chance to get things going again.  Yes, yes I do.  If I can keep some things on tap, I would like to get to practicing with the snowshoes before long, and maybe set up my hammock.  While I don't, yet, have it set for winter, perhaps with my full winter/wet bivy kit, it might still work.  A nap, outside, to test, from time to time.  And experimentation with this and that if it isn't quite enough as is.  YES!

And a merry Christmas Eve to you all.  I'll sure attempt to post something for the morrow.  I'm a bit tuckered.  So a day or two to recover.  And, yet, I should be able to write, and in good cheer.  Oh, and maybe a post later as well.  Tired, but not busted up, for all my doings.  Later.

A couple of thoughts, observations, and goings on.

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In no particular order.

My friend called.  He has been quite ill.  His heart is bad, like mine.  On top of it, he has had the flu.  Okay, I can understand that.  I've been down and haven't had the flu.  It's all a matter of margins.  I just got the message.  My phone can be funny.  Sometimes it won't even show someone called.  Sometimes it shows, but doesn't transfer the message that I late found was supposed to have been left, and sometimes, like this time, I just got the "call" notification, and message, but a bit late.  Never mind, I'll work with this as I may.  It's good to hear he hasn't decided against being friends.  He is a complicated fellow.  Some just are.  Then again, I would guess I am considered complicated myself.

I found out that it had snowed last night.  So my eyes were not deceiving me.  The thing is, by this morning, a warm front moved through.  We received rain today and through into this evening.  Rain?  There are six(?) inches of snow out there.  Weird.  I would have thought the rain would have washed more of the snow away.  Nope.

Another friend.  I think about his situation often.  I see that, usually, he is fairly happy with things.  Sometimes life gets a bit... questionable though.  He wonders if he did things right, if he is doing all he can, if what he is doing is what he should be doing.  I have to guess his life station is more than just involved, it is overwhelming.  In his shoes a man can either attempt to maintain order and control, slowly slipping into madness, or he simply has to... just understand.  He probably has no clue that I am envious, in the better of ways, of his life.  He's not an 85%'er.  He's not a 100%'er.  Sometimes going over potential capacity is like juggling one too many items.  I see that too.  And yet, going that extra distance?  That's what makes him a man, a real one, a good one.

I know it doesn't always seem like luck.  I try to confirm, often, that his life choice and paths are much preferred to mine.  But mired in the middle of it, with the cloying demands and confusion it must seem otherwise.  I just hope he and his woman live well long enough to see the next generations begin, and then be able to understand fully.  Only one way to really see that, time and sacrifice.  Perfection?  Your all, plus, as with the widows mite, is more than many, most.

There are some people who are worth knowing.  Of those, only a very few cause me a form of envy... a proper, good, form of that mind you.  He is one of those.

I think I mentioned, that, while I did the driving, and much else, my friend who died had been of great help to me as well.  He called, if I didn't.  He had ideas of what else to do, where to go, or a new gun to shoot.  He helped me stay awake, aware, or more so.  And, you know, I did tell him.  I don't know that he believed.  He sometimes thought I was a little odd.  But when no shoe dropped, I think, in time, he realized I was just another.  He will be missed.

Depending on whether there is ice, I am hoping, eventually, sometimes this week, to get into town.  I need some things, desperately.  I sure hope it didn't ice up.  I keep hearing vehicles go by, seemingly at regular speed, so perhaps not.  If my friend is up to it, I'll get him out.  If he isn't, I'll see if he needs anything.  Tissue, flu goop, food, coffee.

Stiff, sore, sleepy.

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No major issues.  That's just how winter days can be.  It has been cloudy for a while now.  I tell you, being active in heavy winter or hot summer just isn't natural.  Less so with age, actually on either edge of the age spectrum.  As I remember it, as a child, winters were harsh.  Of course, pushing through, or being pushed through, those times and in cold climates is what makes people strong.  Even now, attempting to push through is more important than resting.  Though rest is more needed.

I woke several times to use the facilities.  While up, I looked outside to see if there was more snow.  For some reason I thought we had gotten a couple of inches.  Now that I am actually awake, and looked again, I don't think so.  Snow may have blow over some areas, but not all and not all that much.  Still, I may get out and do a bit of shoveling for upkeep.  It sure beats what I thought I was going to have to do... shovel a long drive clear of several inches.  I need to wake better first.  That will take just a bit.

I am sleeping more hours.  Which is throwing my system off.  Days and nights are definitely tumbling.  Medicines are being taken regularly.  Though for how long I don't know.  I am needing to order more and I don't know if they will send them.  If they do, I'll schedule with the doctor.  I may try to reorder today, if not tomorrow.  I have to be awake enough to talk and listen.

Three dreams I remember.  None of great import, save one but just to me.  One of the non-important ones was sort of endearing.  A little girl, like one of the actresses from the Brady Bunch, when she was young, walked up to me and just said Mr. "Doom", my surname in the quotations.  And looked into my eyes.  Hair all up in curls and tails and such.  It was as seeing a bird on a branch out a window, or sensing the first wind of spring after a long winter.  I suppose this has import, in a way.  The other was more about the mechanics of the universe, as regards life... and death.  The other dream faded.

Reading, writing, and gaming are what I used to attempt to gain purchase on my day.  I may, if I can, make a call today.  Or three.  Or soon.  Later.

A bit gruff.

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Just a tiny bit off this morning.  But this is, really, about as good as mornings get if you aren't a morning man.  I am not a morning man.  Some say it is will, or faking it until you make it.  But that can't be true.  I really think some people are made to be happy when they wake, and enjoy waking early.  My brother was exactly that.  Probably still is, as far as happy goes.  I was his polar opposite.  No matter how hard we tried, we never were able to do what the other did so naturally.  I have actually, in spite of my health, certainly not because of it, made great strides toward being a day man.  Health, but not that alone, causes my schedule to drift.

My neck is just a touch cranky, and shoulders.  A bit groggy because sleep is twisting in the winter winds.  None of that is bad.  I can deal with this, and probably, maybe, find my pace, perhaps do a bit of work.  As with yesterday, I was not able to arrange for good clothing.  I still haven't found my oxfords.  Hmm...  I know.  I'll... try to get those things set up.  I could be fumingly angry at myself but at this point I know better.  I will simply, and only, make attempts.  If I fail, as I am forgiven, and as I make great pains to forgive, I must learn to forgive myself.  Being crippled isn't a sin, in God's eyes.  It is a secular, or worldly, sin.

I still see hope.  I think I can, if I gear and push and watch make it to more action this week, through the week.  I had hoped to get out for several events, but also to do shopping.  I have been out of milk and cream for a rather longish time.  Hopefully, before the week is out, I will get out.  My main goal, however, is to rip in and clean.  That has fallen far behind.  As well, keep food on tap.  I may see about what eggs I have, check them, and boil some.  Thawing brats to be cooked tomorrow, and making a pot of grain mush as well, might see me to food on tap.  That always helps... or at least opens up a few more opportunities.

On the good side, I wasn't missing medicine as badly as I had thought.  It must just be the very short and relatively dark days that have been throwing me.  All good.  I'll keep looking for chances, stay on top of what I can, and get to it as I may.  I really enjoy work.  I think I will get to wear myself out a couple of times, at least, this week.  Wish me luck?  Later.

Well, something stirred.

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I had to push just to get some painkillers down, and then medicine.  I sat, for hours, unable to really get anything working.  I blogged a bit, read other blogs, looked at what passes for news, though more simply got a bit lost in the ether.

Finally hunger offered a bit of motivation.  That didn't, at first, allow me to cook.  It simply got me to finally take medicine and painkillers.  A bit more freefloating and then I got to making a meal.  Chuck roast, again.  Once a week.  I am getting better at making it.  I have settled on a few spices and a simple technique.  Thyme, sage, sometimes bay leaves if I am up to picking a few of the muscles apart in order to place the leaves inside the roast, garlic, and salt.  I leave that, at room temp, for an hour.  The salt, just as with steak, draws the moisture left in the beef out, then  returns it, infusing the interior with the spices and herbs.  Oh, and it tenderizes just a bit.  After the hour is up, give or take (more, actually, never less time), I then sear the roast.  No need to do the sides, that ends up getting the interior too done.  I slowly heat my cast frying pan, with fat (usually tallow), until it is hot enough to truly sear the roast.  Four minutes of that, then over and repeat, for the same time.  While I am heating that pan, I get the oven set to 415F, so that by the time I am finished searing, the oven is ready.  After both sides have been seared, the roast and pan go right into the oven.  Today I added baby carrots.  Well, they were just this side of bad and I can't find any peanut butter.  Rather than waste, roast.

Now, if I have guests, I will cook the meat for about 30 minutes.  That will see it to being done enough for women types and the men who are like them.  For myself I only cook it for 25 minutes, maybe 20 if... my native hungers are more in play.  When I played I played like I used to work and just as I eat... even to this day, bloody.  Once a week, this has become a regular.  I may begin trying to cook more often again.  Even cooking twice a week, plus with the incoming, might be enough.  Boiling eggs again would also help, though just a dozen... for three every other day, say.  Grain type stuff would be nice, for an add.  And, maybe, keeping onions on hand, and carrots, to add to meats.  I do need to eat more, this I know.  Well, that's the plan.

Something happened between, this, that, and the next thing.  An awakening.  I have business to attend, things to do, and maybe a way to it.  It does look frightening, especially with an overweening government that seems hellbent on destroying this nation, on purpose... an electorate that reminds me of the crowd who release Barnabas... in more ways than one, all mainstream institutions brutalized to work against the very reasons they were created, and a bureaucracy that was supposed to be built for my health turning it's hand against me in such a way as to literally be seeming to attempt to murder me.  Yeah.  It does look tough.  And?  I've been against the odds since I was born.  Even with genocide against babies not yet legalized, there were still ways women attempted to butcher their children.  In a world that was fighting the sins of the parents, their children were more likely to be the targets.  Having the wrong name in the wrong place meant having to fight as few can.  Having neither life nor death in my court, being more a weapon each used against the other as some sort of futile proof of it's superiority while each denying that my very existence negated their ability to have a proof.  Each made me stronger.  Perhaps wiser.  Certainly leading me to Wisdom.  If, not initially, all that happy about it.  Still, when seeking the truth and being lead to Wisdom inexorably end up being the same path, only two choices remain.  And, no, I am not saying God is on my side.  I am simply not that big.  I am saying, for my part, I aim to be on His side.  Nothing more.

So, after all this, something is moving in me.  Will it lead to great works today?  Maybe, maybe not.  Soon?  Perhaps.  I don't know.  I also, once again, do not worry.  I will do as I must, can, and what will happen after and from that will happen.  Hope?  Faith.  Charity too.  Yes.  I will begin as soon as I may.

Sleep and pain.

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I have some things I had hoped to do this weekend.  I don't think I can.  I went down early last evening.  I hurt most of the night.  Muscles, internals, a headache.  I kept trying to sleep past it or wake through it.  Neither worked.  I am awake but not in the best of shape.  Oh, I'll get better.  Just not soon.  Bleh.  I'll keep working on things.

I had several odd dreams.

In the first I was palling around with a dame, back in the day.  No, not a lover, not this one.  I think she was real, I just can't recall how or when I knew her.  She is one of those women who got away.  I suspect she thought the same about me.  But we had a ball just... going places, doing things, eating out.  It's almost like we were meant to be but that it just never happened that way.  Perhaps we met right after we had left someone else and just needed to figure out how to like the opposite sex again.  Yeah, she was a doll.

Anyway, it ended up that we were both into photography.  Well, once a year, there was a mass marriage ceremony and two of our friends, mutual friends to some degree, were to wed.  She talked me into joining the photographer pool.  There were some amazing sites to be seen, and it was an interesting experience.  Trying to track our friends among thousands of couples was a trick though too, so that took a good deal of my time.  Anyway, toward the end of the event, which ran into night as the event turned into a feast, the photographers pool was on scaffolding near the water when the scaffolding tipped.

Now that was a bit of a spooky experience.  With three levels of scaffolding, each full of people, hemmed in by each other and barriers on the sides, all falling, all falling into water, most still hemmed in, everyone trying to get to air...  A few bumps and bruises, myself.  I don't think anyone was hurt.  I was able to save the pictures.  No one was seriously hurt.  Just a memory, if a dream memory, and not a favorite one.

There was a lot more to it, but those are the highlights.  Dang but she was a pretty woman.  It's a good thing, in real life, duty called.  Or I would have broken her heart.  At least she had one guy she liked in that way to end up as a friend in memory.  If, to be honest, I don't think, for the woman's side of things, that is a good thing.  Better to have a broken heart, I am told, than a friend.  Bleh.  Dames!

I'll take anicin, and medicine.  Perhaps I have been missing medicine.  That isn't all of it though.  It seems to be a piling on of this and that.  I'll still try to do some things, but I'm pretty crippled up, beyond the pains.  The pains aren't that bad, any of them, on their own.  Even all together they aren't too horrible.  But they aren't the main problem with getting to things, either, as I wrote.  I'll... do what I can.  Later.

I never did lift off.

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Or not yet.  Feeling good enough, I did have a bite to eat.  I attempted to read, blogs and what horrid material passes as even conservative news.  Just couldn't focus.  I read a bit more into SJWs Always Lie.  The first part wasn't so interesting.  In part because I read much of it as it was happening, so the first part of the book was old news.  There wasn't much I could do about it then or now.  As I passed the halfway mark, maybe a bit more of the way through the book, it has become interesting again.  How to deal with sjws, really, is what I was interested in.  While they can't fire me, I think they are attempting to end my life through attacks on my medication.  That wasn't the only way they attacked, and isn't the only remaining way.  Including one of the female "doctors" attempting to diagnose something into my records that doesn't exist as an health issue.  Though, truth be told, since I deal with government, there is no way to fight sjws in there.

I can't quite get going.  I am hoping to get a shower or bath.  Then maybe figure out something to eat this evening, out or in, I don't care.  It would be nice to make sure I can set up dress clothes for the next few days.  Shoes... I know I have oxfords, just not where.  And they probably need polished.  If I get a shower in, or bath, maybe shopping.  Though maybe not until tomorrow.  It's messy.  I'm not working as well as I would like.  I'll keep at it.  That's that for now.  If things turn up, or out, well, I'll post something later.

Trying to figure some things out.

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So... all night... I dreamed.  Of doing this.

That sucks.

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I considered what to send my brother and family for Christmas.  Sure, perhaps a card.  Not enough.  Gifts?  But what.  Who would like what?  Food?  Sure, but with various health issues and preferences, no.  I finally decided on something.  With advise.  A really nice floral arrangement, for the Christmas centerpiece.  I went all in, as far as such things go.  Nearly a week after ordering I just received a notice that the order has been canceled.  There are no florists close enough.

Yeah, I'll... keep thinking.  Hmm, might have to make a call or two.  We might not always get along.  Might?  Always.  Toss in the sister-in-law and we have a hoot.  But... family isn't about getting along.  Not from my side of things.  I'll keep trying.  They do their best, kids as they are.  Yeah, I'll think of something.

Life sure can be frustrating.  That's not a terrible thing though.  It's what, for even those of us at the bottom of the pile... should we hold on... makes us stronger.  I can only keep getting back up if I keep getting knocked down.  This is a small one.  I'll figure something out.  Good night.

Thoughts as I prepare to sleep.

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Yeah, I'll try.  No promises.  With such a long nap I can't be sure.

Thoughts?  Chickens.  For eggs, up front.  Perhaps, in time, for meat.  Though, just as likely, those would be two different operations, different breads, the works.  In any case, I have been researching chicken feed, breeds for both meat and eggs, feeders and watering systems, heating, and whatever else people which to write or discuss.

People are passionate about their operations.  Some, to my mind, such as those who feed their chickens "organic" food, are foolish.  The rest remain to prove out or fail out.  If I have to have chickens, I don't mind putting a little work in on them.  Mixing my own feed?  If it is economical in the longer run, provides better eggs and fowl health, and just works, sure.  If it's a fool's errand, perhaps not.  Though, quite often, there is only one way to know.

More?  Sure.  If I am going to get involved with chickens, and if that works and I don't kill the birds?  Then why not goats.  You know I've considered them.  Sure, more work.  Much more care, higher costs, worries about disease and feed especially if the drought continues, but... milk, meat, and just the idea of having livestock on the place.  The freezer is fine.  Canning is good.  But without living breeding food, those other things are merely stop-gaps.

We'll see.  I actually have three places for various critters.  One is definitely set up as a hen house, the other two could be used for additional hens, goats or sheep, or even a cow.  It does get a bit complicated though.  Even just with hens.  How many, feeding, how to care for the animals if you must travel, lots of difficulties.  A small farmstead of livestock would be much more difficult.  Though, too, there are ways having more than one type of creature can help.  Chickens can clean out goat pens, goats might provide some protection from predators.

It's been an interesting few days of further research.  I have no idea how, at least for themselves, how people can feed their animals organic feed.  If it's for sale, I suppose they have figured out how to make it pay.  But for themselves, unless they are independently wealthy, I don't think it works.  You can throw good money after bad, but it really doesn't work.  Talk to your grandparents, or great grandparents.  I think a lot of people have lost a great deal along the way.  Though, too, even that generation had lost something.  When white bread became a thing, it became popular.  It also caused such massive malnutrition that the school lunch program was started.  White does taste better, and it is easier to digest, it just doesn't really feed people.  And, yes, many people would rather have tasty food than good food.  Organic, however, isn't it.  It's an adverse reaction to a real problem.

Good night.  Or later.

A five hour nap.

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Nothing hurts.  I really didn't do that much work.  Shortly after shoveling and then going to the post office, I went in to sleep and blinked five hours away.  I think when I first stepped out to shovel, the thermometer out back... I thought... read around 20 F.  I may have misread though.  For me, the temp was fine.  I wasn't dressed too warmly, though I did need mittens.

After the work I did feel chilled.  I couldn't really warm up during sleep either.  I am still a bit chilly.  I'll turn the heat up and best feed the girls.  Yeah, I think I forgot to do that.  I went down really hard and fast.  I may see about a shower and shopping tonight.  No promises, just... a hope at this point.  Plus a meal on the way.  I am hungry.  Later.

Dream, wake, work.

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The dream was... interesting.  I was back on a sub, but a fast attack.  And we were at war, probably with Russia.  Now think Modernized steampunk as to war mechanics, and theorized gentlemen's war.  For some reason a truce between one of their destroyers and "my" sub had been called.  The rules of the engagement required that, when we did this, we unloaded all weapons and weapon systems, then parlayed.  Which we were doing.  Then the CO of the foreign vessel noticed a woman.  No, not part of the crew.  We were transporting some Admirals daughter for some unknown, to me, reason.  Though she was supposed to be below-decks at all times.

Anyway, he saw her and fell in love with her.  Since she wasn't part of the crew, or war effort, he had the right, or at least no prohibition against, snatching her.  Which he fully intended to do.  He set his senior staff toward the effort of grabbing her and taking her to his ship.  With only a machete (don't ask, just happened to have it) I held them offing, killing several of the officers.  Once topside, apparently, until the parlay was agreed to be over no one could leave the deck.  Another rule, which had been made into a physics rule, until the ships disengaged, the commanding officers, and higher level officers above commanding officers, were immortal.

The machete was lost in earlier melee.  However, one of their officers had brought a fire axe, and lost it when he died or was injured.  This was tossed to me by some of the men.  Why no one else was helping, in the main, I could not tell.  Perhaps since they were all officers, they were not allowed to participate while parlay was in play.  So, I did have an axe, if it was slower and more cumbersome to use.  I am not sure what he used, though perhaps nothing being temporarily immoral.

I was sure to lose but I would not give up.  I was too vested in the pursuit at that point.  I was parrying his blows, and hitting him if to no good, when all of a sudden my axe actually bit deep.  I heard his cry of pain and terror really.  We negotiated.  We would treat his wounds, and return him after he was stabilized, but for now we had ended parlay.  Any disagreement would lead to the captains immediate death..  Later on I was told that the sub I was on had completely disengaged, and that was enough to end the parlay, which had then allowed me to strike the captain.

Oh, and you guessed it.  I ended up with the girl, and college, officer's training, and a career.

I was trying to wake at 8:45 but didn't wake until 9:30.  However, I did get out to do some shoveling.  There isn't much, just s thin drift in the drive.  However, at the ends, there were piles.  I chipped those out and moved them out of the way or I would have ended up getting caught up on those while prepping to back into the drive.  I would like to remove more but that is probably it.  I'll check the mail, too.  Then crash.  A lot of work, but all good.  Later.

Waking with a grin and pain.

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No, not an associated thing.  I had been dreaming.  A woman I spoke with recently, discussing how women take little bites or sips of things men order.  Whether a part of our meal or desert.  I don't think she liked that she had been called out.  If that truly isn't so much the point of it.  I have noted before, women are thieves, of sorts.  Family, such as mother and sister, but definitely loves.  Just a little, they will say, as they taste.  They only do it with some men, though will push it if they are dearly curious.  Some men are much more approachable, others are more in demand.  To take is to give.  No, nothing, necessarily, of... well... it can be platonic or romantic or simply of great curiosity.  I wasn't laughing at the dear lady who spotted a touch of her husband's, her man's, desert.  I fear she may have taken it as such though.  Still, laugh I did, and am.  I'm not sure why women feel so guilty, or cornered, or something, when this nature is revealed.  And so often they attempt to deny it.  Reminds me of the woman who touched the cloak Jesus was wearing.  There... is something to that connection, if it isn't complete, full, whole.  There, to me, is a spot of humor in both as well.  That was the cause of the grin.

The cause of the pain?  Have you ever waken to the world feeling as if you were on some sort of slant?  Say, ten or fifteen degrees off level horizon?  Yeah, well, I woke with that sensation.  And, either because of it, or it was caused by something which then caused what created the pain, I woke disjointed.  It seems, because I sensed the level plain was other than it was, and I attempted to find the level plain in which to sleep, I... put my body/back/neck/etcetera out.  No big deal, I'll fit back together soon enough.

Hmm, I also dreamed I was back in a college aged community.  It wasn't actually college, merely everyone around was of that age.  Yeah, I was thought of as a parent type, until they realized that wasn't the case.  I fit in well enough that, at some point, they simply stopped seeing me as a parent type.  Gaming, studying, chasing around.  Brassy and foolish enough to get caught by dames in my underwear, trying to do some traveling the lazy way.  Women love to embarrass men.  Oh, nothing bad, or good, happened.  Just... life, from another age.

Isn't it funny?  In one time or place some things would be terribly embarrassing.  And yet, in just a short bit of time, if a change happens, what was embarrassing becomes commonplace?  At least within certain parameters?  When your wife sees you in underwear, for example, at least when you realize it's okay and life just forces the issue, it becomes nothing.  Then it becomes nice, because then you know you are familiar, and home, and with a woman.  The answers to equations written, most likely, before any sun lit any sky, becomes apparent.  I'm not sure how it works with women, but I think, for them, it is getting just a touch of our desserts, meals, life.  Yes, I think so.  Didn't think the dreams were related until just now.

Later.

No, not as much as I had hoped.

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However, I did improve through the day.  I did get a shower in.  I fixed a roast, in part for lunch today.  It should last another day or two.  That was about it.  As rough as I was feeling I am a bit surprised I did even that.  The improvement helped.  I sure would like to get in to town and do some shopping, make a couple of phone calls, and dig in on house keeping.  I'll keep at it.  Oh, and I really need to call my doctor.  Perhaps to at least see if he will set up an appointment and send for medications again as well.  Bleh.  Staying on top of things is brutal sometimes.

My mother, along with keeping me updated, sent a phone number.  A woman I knew when I was quite young.  Sort of like foam, only when I was three, four, five.  I am pretty sure she protected me a time or two... or more.  She did it honestly, mind you.  She taught me some things through that, as well as... offering pretty solid protection from a... particular world.  She wanted to understand some things, and, while I don't remember exact details, I... have the gist down.

My mother suggested I be gentle, that she is 93.  Grandma Paunch, or Grandma Francis, depending.  I can't remember what I called her, but I do remember her well.  I don't think my mother should worry.  Nothing I can tell this woman, about what she wants to know, would be difficult for her to know.  She just wants to know the rest of the story.  And, for her, I am glad to tell it.  While some had great doubts, for various and differing reasons, some had hope.  She had hope, good faith, and great charity.  I only wish to thank her and fill in the blanks.  I think it will make perfect sense to her.  It will also close out some things for me.

Rough, again.

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And a bit more.  Every time I figure out one thing, or get past it, something else shows it's ugly face.  Sleep has been pretty good, medicines mostly going down, I am not tired.  But my organs feel as if someone decided to pummel then shuffle them.  If you have ever had painful gas, you have the idea.  Only it there is no need to pass gas.  It is the other organs that feel bloated and tender.  Time solves it, or has so far.  It's not always the same organs/areas.  Though sometimes, like this time, it is all of them.  On the good side, they are only slightly complaining.  I've had much worse.

I let the girls sleep in with me last night.  If nothing else, it helps the spirit.  I know they love it... once they figure out the pecking order.  Actually that is based on arrival.  First come, first served.  Usually Sam is in right as I go to bed, then heads out at some point.  Then, sometime during the night or morning, Sassy gets her chance.  It used to be the other way around.  At least they don't try to attack each other when they realize the other girl has proximity claims.   Sometimes the one who is on the outs will just snuggle up behind my knees.  Sometimes she goes off in a huff.  I just can't let them sleep with me every night, or I end up not rolling as I often need and will generate a whole body 'crick', from not rolling.  Once every other, every third day, or just once or twice a month, depending on how well I am sleeping and how much pain I am willing to risk.  Two nights in a row, these last nights.  I was worrying about my mother... company is good.

I am hoping to get to town, shopping, today.  Milk, cream, a new sort of sugar substitute, fruit if I can find good grapefruit, and some drink stuff.  Sugar free stuff.  A variety of something to drink is more important, to me, than food anymore.  If I am really feeling good, I may take my camera along and tinker a bit.  I have a small collection of pictures already.  A few more would be good.  A variety pack of pictures with which to explore Lightroom functions.  Though I just don't know.  And, of course, a meal out while I am at it.  Though whether early afternoon or later in the evening I just don't know.

I did reset the dishes, again, again.  I set a timer, again, though maybe that will get me to them in time this time.  I was in ever worse shape the last time I tried that.  I'll hit the laundry if I decide to shop much later.  And I probably ought to bag some stuff out.  Yeah, I've not been the best housekeeper lately.  It's not just medicine, it's not just the cold, it wasn't just the heat of the summer... it's just a rough spell.  I'm honestly doing what I can do.  I'll keep at it.  Later.

Not too bad.

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In one sense.  I ended up sipping quite lightly.  I fell down quite terribly though.  I ended up having just 'one' beer, and 'one' mixed drink.  Oh, and... posting... I pull those posts.  If I improve in time to review the posts I may put them, or it, back... in time.  Not sure.

I did get a message.  The surgery must have gone as planned.  If the microsurgery had not been successful they would have operated the old way and she would still be in the hospital.  Her message only indicated that she was out of surgery and okay, but no other details.  Groggy.  I called back, finally, just a bit ago.  She was just arriving home, so now I know which type of surgery was done.  She still sounds groggy and... well... post surgical.  I simply hope this helps with her sense of well being.  It's tough when organs aren't working right.  Can't do much about mine, if medicine seems to have finally helped a bit and I have learned, mostly, how to treat things beyond that... when I can.  So I am glad when surgery helps those who can be made better by it.

I didn't stay up all that late, or drink all that much.  And yet it pretty much wiped me out.  As well, I woke up really rough, as if I had consumed a great deal.  Odd.  I am glad to finally have beer back in the cave though.  I've had whiskey for a while, but just a mixed drink, often coffee based, twice a month, is about as much as I do.  If I add a couple of beers a week, actual beers, I think I'll be good.  Just another something different to drink, really.

I hate it when people go into the hospital.  You really never know if they will come out.  Even if they come out you just don't know how things will work out.  Later.

A good day.

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A simple day.  I won't be doing any timber work, I won't be lifting iron, nothing fancy and not much.  I don't hurt, I am not too tired, and I do believe I will get to some work fairly soon.  Hmm, actually, I think I already refreshed the rinse the dishes were in.  A load or two of laundry, perhaps another cycling of the dish rinse, then setting a timer.  If I leave the hot rinse go too long, drying the dishes doesn't work well.  As well, putting on a roast, and getting a bath or shower today.  It's actually a lot, until I get back up to speed.

My mother called.  She was on my mind.  I was just 'inches' away from calling her, I just hadn't quite done it yet.  Actually I was probably waiting a bit to make sure I didn't disturb her sleep.  The rare times she does sleep in, she needs it.  And, yet, someone often calls and ruins her rest.  I should know.  That is often me.  Of course she ruined more of my sleeping in than you could imagine.  Something about "school".  Well, she gave it serious effort anyway.  Still, I have pity on the woman.

Surgery, it seems.  While her primary said this, one specialist said not, so another specialist was consulted because the primary and my mother sensed the first specialist was being ageist... or had some other personal problem with care for my mother.  At one time I would have thought it just paranoia.  Now, however, I know better.  Watch yourselves out there folks, some doctors will kill you for not being in line with whatever moral or social codes they prefer, to include simply being too old... if there is such a thing.  Anyway, it turns out it was probably gall stones.  So, tomorrow, they will be removing or shattering what they can.  I think she is a bit frightened.  I wish I lived closer.  Though I think the call helped.  I only wish I had been the one to make it.  Still...  Yes, yes, she is on my prayer list.  Oh, if you would be so kind as to say a little prayer for the old girl I would be quite grateful.  She put up with me, she doesn't deserve more woe.  *wink*

It's a medium day.  No heavy light, but some.  I might open the shades, let in a bit of what is available.  Or... not.  I am hoping to get things arranged and moving before long.  This week is meant to be an active week.  Perhaps a bit of shopping.  Maybe a day out with the camera.  And of course a bit of work on the cave.  Days and nights are correctly set up, but the cycle is fragile.  I won't worry about it.  I am mostly concerned with being as active as possible, eating as rightly as possible, taking medications as well as I can, and doing the little things.  Well, and at least sleeping enough.  I can't worry about the actual schedule.  Oh, and... maybe figuring out confession and Mass, which means clothes and shoes.  Gah!  I'll... try.

Later.

Ah, but I do try.

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I wasn't sure if I would crash early, perhaps too early, or stay up too late.  As it is turning out I am going down about when at a good time.  Not a plan, just how it works.  I have been going crashing since about noon.  By doing few things, doing them slowly, I have managed to, possibly, salvage my day schedule.  Tomorrow will be a day off.  Monday, it is hoped, I will prep clothes for Mass, figure out times and days, and maybe see about something else.

I am going to start attempting to read a bit more.  I have some books along the lines of practical philosophy, a few books along the myth and monster lines, and some of faith.  I would also like to, maybe, begin reading the bible a few times a week.  I can't read all that very fast, and it might end up being too much.  Reading glasses would sure help too.  But, for now, I would simply enjoy pushing into reading while backing away from the computer for a while.  The internet doesn't require the same focus.  We'll see.

I did do a load more of laundry.  I'll be putting it into the dryer as I lay down to read, then sleep.  I won't mess with it until tomorrow beyond putting it on fluff in the dryer.  And, tomorrow, I hope to do the last of the dishes and put another load, perhaps two since they are small, through the washer and dryer.  As well, I have another chuck roast thawing.  Perhaps boiling some eggs as well tomorrow?  Or Monday.  Nothing fancy.  Just trying to do a bit and get ready for the week.

Sore, but I'm not quitter.  Dead, mostly, and I just won't quit.  I might break down from time to time.  I'll get back up when I can.  I am excited to be thinking about getting back to church, Mass.  I do miss it.  I miss a lot of things.  Even a small social from time to time.  Rest well, I know I will.  Good night.

Not today.

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As little as I did, it was too much too fast.  My arms are cramping in a minor way, from forearm to shoulder.  My thighs have been exhausted and have a nice little burn going on.  Bending for dishes and laundry, doing too much of this and that, getting out.  This is good.  It will probably get me back on track more quickly.  The thing is, that won't be today.  Not what I had hoped.

I did finish the jackets.  I may put in another load of laundry and run it through.  And I could finish dishes.  But that will be it.  Oh, well, maybe a shower, or a bath.  A soak might really help, if I can push through to it.  Not just sore and cramping, tired.  A nap, in a bit, too, I suppose.  I know.

I will endeavor to get back on track with some things.  Like an old, mostly deaf, even mostly dead dog, a call will at least rouse my attention.  Which in part is why I made great effort to make one of the two meetings this week.  It may not work.  It might.  Maybe for a while, or longer, or shorter.  For me it is not about success as many consider it, it is more about not quitting.  I can't win, but if I keep trying, even if I fail, I can't lose.  And, sometimes, I still do walk through walls... not even always just in a ghostly way.

Yes, remembering when I was younger recently... as seen in various videos...  Not always younger in the way shown.  Many of my group wondered... about good and evil, outside but more inside.  We were looking for heaven, as I suggested, only a path that did not include God, Christ, the Holy Spirit.  I learned long ago, before I was technically grown, certainly before I entertained others with a similar quest, that approaching as a child was the only way.  That part, with God not just a part of the equation but pretty much the whole of the path, remains the same.  Others tried, but could not become a child for their lust.  And, while I sinned with many women, I was sinning with curious hopeful eyes, not simple lust.  Still, that was a failure because that wasn't enough.  I have been looking for the truth for a very long time.  My fear of it was greater, in the end, than my want.  Truth had to reach out to me, then slowly reel me in.

Heaven is beside me, hell within.  But that isn't, as I had presumed for so long, the end.  Nor is the answer.  It is merely a moment.  To the Timeless One, a moment can even not be.  Just... not quite yet.  Duties to perform.  The hope is to not get lost in the duties that require the hell within.  Though, too... hell within might not be quite as it seems.  It may be a perspective of hard things from the eyes of a child who is focused only on heaven, missing some of what is required.  If you believed Jesus was Christ, and watched Him be scourged then crucified and die, you just might get lost in the hell of that so as to surrender to the state of flesh which could seemingly end God.  Or you might well see past that.  So it is with the hell within, perhaps... it is hoped.

Later.

No surprise.

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Awake well past midnight for the first time in...  Hmm, in a way, probably not that long.  But the last time I was awake past midnight it was not a stopping time, more like lunch.  It feels like a hangover.  I did, sort of, push yesterday.  All good.  No complaints, and it might snap back tonight.  Though if I want that to happen I need to push things earlier.

There are three, maybe four, things I must do today.  To my mind.  Okay, five.  I would like to kick out the dishes and tend the laundry.  I have two coats in the dryer, and one load of cottons to go through.  Hmm, might have a load of synthetics and wool too.  I may not be able to finish all the laundry.  But if I can push the cottons through I can hit the other things tomorrow.  Then another shower, maybe a bath if I can do it in a timely manner.  Then to at least confession, and then shopping this afternoon and evening.  I would like to consider Mass, but... that's a lot of people, I'm not sure I have anything proper to wear, I am not sure I am ready.

Speaking with the deacon, it seems if I am running late, there is still a place I may go without interfering with an on-going Mass.  There is no guarantee I could make even that, but it is an option and possibility.  It is open, pretty much, at the same time mass is open, if I heard that right.  While I would be alone, it is a place for prayer.  It might help me learn timing.  Or at least allow me something.  There were a few other things we discussed.  I do need to find out when again.  I think it's noon, and two or three days of the week.  I've been down for six months, was sprinting so fast to do things for the six months before that, but without direction... in a scattered manner.

Well, that's the plan.  I woke later, if I really only slept six to seven hours.  Yeah, I hope it snaps back to early to bed, early to rise.  Later.

I was remembering.

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Before Burning Man, long before, I entertained the company of another sort of clowns.  We were all looking for... something.  I think it was the truth.  Too many of those cheated though.  Drugs, dead sex, personal strengths of various sorts.  Oh, I had my own ways.  We actually came together, as it turns out, to see who was using what and to what level of success.  Invitation only.  I never, to be honest, understood why I was included.  Especially since I didn't do drugs.  Ah, right, and that is the point.  I realized, in a bit of a memory trance, why I really was included.  It was because my mind and body was going places and doing things they could only go and do on drugs.

Never can be sure.

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I didn't get on to the dishes.  I did one load of laundry through.  It's in the dryer.  I had hoped to push another load through but that simply, obviously, didn't work.  So I wore a different coat.  No bath and shower, but I did get a extra long shower in, extra hot, scrubbed thrice not the usual twice, and better even so.  I always fear that I will smell funny when going out into public.  And, perhaps I do.  People don't like telling mostly dead people that we stink.

I braided my hair.  I suppose I could have skipped that, but my hair is in one of those in between stages where it isn't one thing or another.  Braiding is as good as I could think to do.  It might not look that much better, but it is more kempt.  I simply haven't been getting out, or been able to schedule events.  I was quite lucky to have been able to push through.  I simply didn't want to miss both events.  Didn't want to miss the other.  But I am just into staying up into early evening, and wasn't able to stay up late enough that day.  Next month, I hope.

It was good to see some of the men and their wives.  I know some of them really don't like me.  That's the way it goes.  I'm not too worried about that.  I can only do what I can do, even if I talk a mean game.  And, yeah, that isn't enough for some.  Well, and I certainly have my flaws.  And, of course, there is just... bad chemistry, I suppose.  I don't worry too much about that.  I don't even really share it back.  If I am in the wrong on something they have an obligation to correct.  I don't mind.  Of course I'd naturally resist.  But if they show me it's wrong and call me on it, and they are right, I would eventually accept, apologize perhaps, seek more.  Though I don't know what any actual problem is for another.  I can't bridge that.

Still, it was good.  I don't know what is what, exactly.  But there were many I was pleased to see.  And it was good to be out.  Like the sick kid, who gets to go out to recess when he is better.  Hmm, and it might be a beginning to get me back to church, even once in a while.  I need reconciliation, maybe tomorrow.  I have been trying to get the process down, but, if I can make it, I might just... run and gun and do the best I can.  If, as I suggest, I can make it.  I don't know about staying for mass.  Even the middling crowd of this evening was a bit much.  It's been six months of no recess, mind you.  I'm not used to people, even when they are somewhat familiar.  Weekday Masses are probably the way to start.  Though, who knows.  If, if, if.  I'll add this to my prayer request.  It's pretty much all I ask for, save one other prayer.

I did stop to shop on the way back home.  I missed a bunch of things.  If I can get out tomorrow, I'll try to finish the list... if I can remember what I forgot.  Yeah, late.  Good night.

Much better.

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I couldn't get a nap in.  There isn't time now.  I will probably have to push pretty hard to make it to dinner.  I think I can, as things are going.  A load of laundry is going.  I emptied the dishes from their soak so as to get a bath in, which as I realize now will have to wait until the laundry is finished... perhaps forty five minutes from now.  A bath, actually.  Then I will put another load of wash through, set the dishes to a final soak, and perhaps get them dried and put up.  If so, I may take a shower before going to dinner.  Why?  Well, because.  A shower every few days is okay.  Some days it's good to get clean then cleaner.

The sun is out.  That isn't hurting.  A bit bright for my eyes, but I can see it around the shades.  Enough gets in for my meager needs, or even capacity to handle sometimes.  I am enjoying it greatly.  Amazing how much so little, even winter, sun, through the cracks in the shades, can do for me.

Yes, dishes, laundry, grooming, an outing, shopping.  I am taking it slow, doing a bit at a time, maintaining a rhythmic flow, not pushing too hard or fast.  And, yet, today, I may end up doing several days worth of work.  Hopefully it will be a lead into more.  I do love to work.  And the cave needs it.

Anyway... I best check things, see were they are and when I can do what.  I wrote most of this, then became distracted.   Actually, it was something slightly different.  I remembered a friend asking if I had gotten on board with this.  I keep meaning to do so, but... SQUIRREL!  Never mind.  Later.

It's an ugly tough day.

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My body is sore, tired, uncooperative.  I feel the need for more sleep.  There is no good reason for it.  Nothing new.  I have been doing well, if rather inactive, so today comes as a bit of a surprise.

I am about to take a nap.  I set it up to take a bath when I wake.  Then I'll hit the dishes and laundry, but that will be about it for here at home.  A shower later, then dinner in town.  I missed one group event, I don't plan on missing another.  After that, on the way home, if I can push through, I hope to do a spot of grocery shopping.  Milk, juice, butter, cream, maybe some meat... perhaps a few other items.

Hmm, perhaps I'll down a few anacin when I go in to sleep.  Sleep along with painkillers tend to work best.  At least with this neck, shoulder, head, muscle and bone ache type stuff that is.  The pain is mild.  But being so very tired the pain is enhanced.  A bit of sun is sort of coming through, perhaps that will help... if it stays out.

Definitely nap time.  I'll set the alarm for noon and hope to make it up before then.  Later.

Dreams beget dreams which beget questions.

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The prince's masks and reasons for them.

Questions are what this site is about.  Answers are sought.  Answers are there own, however, and not always to be shared or known.  The search for answers, and perhaps the sharing of questions, is all that I can promise.

After discussing dreams, then exploring them with music, the glass overflowed.  Not half full, this glass, full and more and more.  So many ways thoughts of dreams could go.  Sometimes I am the artist, and craft from what is provided or available.  Sometimes I am the medium.  In this case, I suspect I was merely the medium.

How did I get to where I went in life?  A look at that life, before health failed.  And, still, a place I go even now.

Very good.

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It's been over a week since I have been back on medicine.  I missed on evening, but that is par for the course.  I have, probably, at the very best, gone without missing medication for two or three weeks.  That is rare.  One missed dose, usually night medicine, a week or two is typical.  I am not sure if that is what is helping, or if I am simply becoming used to the cold and dark of winter.  Hmm, but I do know I am attempting to use it.  Eating a few eggs for breakfast, eating other meals when possible, drinking more fluid, more regularly, of greater variety... planning for outings or events, trying to focus on hobbies, planning house work.  Even if I am not quite, or yet, getting to it, just keeping these things on the front burners in my mind will see to success more surely.

Dishes and laundry today.  Perhaps a trip to town.  And, if I can, I might test the second lens again to see if it really isn't working correctly, so whether to return it or not.  I hope to keep it, but if the zoom is bound I simply have to return it.  I did order some things for my mother last night.  Now I need to figure out one more gift this year.  I thought about this and that, but I think something simpler is in order.  I consider more interesting gifts for them, but they... have such a complex means of getting anything to them...  I don't, can't, do complicated.  I am often just on this side of awake, or even alive.

I do feel good.  I feel more rested, if fully waking is difficult when the sun simply doesn't shine for days on end.  No worries, that is winter and that is pretty much everybody.  Join the club, I hear spoken in the background.  Yeah, thanks, Joker, I shoot back.  All good.

I do hope to hit some things and get out.  Oh, and maybe continue on a short story for an anthology.  Anthology?  I think so.  I don't know if I can do it, and if I do it if it would be included.  Still... it would be interested to be printed.  I might even go on to other work if it pans out.  No, no real money in it.  That isn't always the point.  I'll have to stick with my day/night job.  And yet... it would be fun to see where that might go or take me.  It would force me to clean up my ideas, edit, and continue to think.  Another hobby.  Later.

Pushing.

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I can't seem to work.  Fine, I'll push my schedule.  It is so dark and gloomy.  Getting through the day is tough.  I may try a nap tomorrow.  I have made it well into early, even mid evening.  The hope is that by later in the week I will be able to not only be awake, but get out for an event.  Goals, hopes, aims, added to a bit of effort sometimes gets me where I need to be.  I am brutally tired though.

I may attempt to get to town tomorrow.  I want to find out where the meeting will be.  As well I wish to do grocery shopping.  I am so tired that I keep adding visiting my friend in.  That can't happen anymore.  There are things I mean to remember to tell him, and I feel guilt for not visiting, then I remember.  Yes, tired.  Though I have always had an odd relationship to remembering that someone is dead.  I would like to find out where his grave is, and perhaps visit that next week.  It will help to settle my mind, cement the notion perhaps.  Or... not.  I will feel better about it all, though, if I can get there.

Books.  Beside one I am reading, another in that sort of queue, I have ordered a few I used to have, or at least books I have portionally read.  Bits and pieces here and there.  The Book of Legends, Zohar, and the book of Enoch.  There are specific topics I am looking to find, though general stories as well.  Mostly Jewish, I believe.  I knew, as I child and young teen, I had read many sorts of books along these lines as well.  I can't recall which ones in particular.  These are books, I suspect, which have leads back to the Old Testament, or parts of it.  However, the language work done for Midrash is beyond what translated bibles would allow.  Though elements will be there, just not... the linguistic style, exact set, or exactness.  Why?  Oh... just a few things have been bugging me.  If these books don't have a clue to some thoughts, there are others I may seek.  Entertaining if nothing else.

Well, it's been good in that I have stayed up a bit longer, on my own.  Another hour later into the evening tomorrow would be good.  Good night.

Gosh... so bizarre.

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Just life.  I have been awake since 4:30~5:00.  I still haven't turned the furnace up, or fed the girls.  Though this room is cool no matter, so turning the furnace up is more for the girls and when I go in to game or watch something, as it allows me to warm up.  I have, mostly, been right here on the machine.  Reading, writing, thinking, listening.  The strange thing is, it seemed like it must be afternoon by now, for some reason.  Looking at the clock to see it is only 9:30, and my mind spilled a little wind from it's sails.  Something about being so off, or lost, in the day.

I suppose I could make eggs, watch one of the series, or two, and warm in the other room.  That might allow me to make sense of things.  Or not.  Cold, little sun, even with the furnace going life just isn't going to make solid sense in the cold and dark, not in my condition.

I had meant to get out to a KoC meeting last night, but I wasn't able.  It started just shortly before I crashed completely.  Though I knew before the crash that I was losing my ability to stay awake.  I am, just from Sunday, staying up into the early evening again.  There is another event coming up.  I can hope to make it then.  It is a bit earlier, and I have half a week to prep for it.  All one can do it try, learn from failure and success, and reset for the next opportunity.  Or quit, if that's your way.

Well... on to something else.  Later.

Not just since ill.

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Dreams.  Many sorts.  Enjoy as you may.

How many dream tomorrows?

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I do.  Sometime the easy, simple.  Sometimes it happens.  Sometimes not so easy to know, or see.  Sometimes seeming all dark.  Not all happens, or yet.

Last night I rehashed a dream from before, about a small darkness.  It wasn't so much of a reoccurrence.  It was an investigation of the first time I dreamed the events.  They didn't make sense to me the first time.  I couldn't remember how things had actually happened.  I didn't even know if some of the things I dreamed actually existed.  I have since found that that places in my dream are real.  I was so tired, in the dream, and after, that I couldn't make sense of the geometry overlaying the scene.  Last night I worked through the events to see how the actions would occur, at least according to that dream.  Now I know, if I am beginning to wonder if that line of potential is finished.  I don't like to say that.  I actually can't say that with any certainty.

I hope it doesn't happen.  I believe, because of this and that, what lead to the accident has been mitigated.  For now.  I don't know if seeing and writing has altered that potential future.  I sure hope so.  It is never good to see real people die, and for silly reasons that really don't pan out when held up to the light.  A little more speed doesn't really matter over such a short distance.  I am not sure why I dreamed about it.  Oddly, I always feel guilty when I see and even if I say someone gets hurt or killed.  I don't really have any power to do anything.  It just seems that if I see it, perhaps I made it.  Not true, probably.  I don't feel guilty about the apocalypse I see on the horizon though, neither the little or big one.  Those are collective choices, the only thing collectivism assures.  That is up to men, completely... at least the timing.

A bit early, 4:30 or so when I woke.  Good enough.  I have the alarm set for 8:00, to feed the girls.  I will, after a bit, have a cup of coffee or two.  With the dishes in a final soapy soak, I will hit those after all that, then put a load of laundry in.  I have a meeting this evening, and then an event this Friday.  I need to get clothes and such cleaned and be ready.  I am feeling a bit odd this morning.  Just a little bloat and upset in the middle.  Nothing that anyone else doesn't have from time to time for no good reason.  Life, keep up or get out of the way, whether it's trying to hold you down or God speed you to your destiny?  Yeah.  All good.  Later.

Some, not all.

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The dishes were hit.  That allowed me to get in and shower before setting them back for another soak.  Then a trip to town.  I took care of some of what was needed, not all.  I could not make it to the grocery store.  Soon, I hope.  Bits, pieces, I will keep trying.  So very tired.  Oh, and no photography.  I was sad about that.  Some of the places I was at offered extremely wonderful vantages, and the weather, terrain, and partial snow cover provided would, to my eye, could only be considered astounding potential.  Whether any shot would have turned out or whether my eye is any good?  The only way to every find out is to take some snappies and print them.  I didn't have the energy though, I just didn't.

I'll keep at it.  Perhaps, with such short windows of sunlight, and being overcast even less, I just can't quite push on through.  Not fully.  What I am doing is, given what I have to work with, not bad.  It just isn't great, or even good.  It is simply not bad.  And... better than it has been.  I'll keep at it.

I am truly hoping to set up my hammock in the back yard, set up the tarp, and begin figuring out winter camping.  If I can do that, I might work at some other things.  Camping just slightly off the trail, not too far up, somewhere.  Little things.  I am not sure how well winter photography works.  Too cold and there would be trouble.  Heating things too quickly, say near a fire or in some other similar way and there would be trouble too.  And wet just doesn't work for electronics.  No, just camping, if I can get to it.  The gear I have is okay, though not really up to par for serious cold.  I would need an under baffle and perhaps a surround wrap, plus what I have.  Though to what temp what I have would work is another thing.  Actually, I think the mummy water wrap for my .mil sleeping system might actually do really well for a wrap.  All I really need is a baffle under the hammock to hold more heat/insulate generally.  As my system is, I can probably take a typical night down to 0 F, without wind.  Wind would be a show-stopper.  And, if we get another snow before long, it would be fun to traipse about with the snowshoes.  With enough snow.  Well, that is sort of the plan.

Later.

Portrait photography.

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I have an interesting in taking pictures of people as well as landscapes.  There might be other interests, but for now, those are my focus.  And yet there is a great deal of range in there.  I doubt if you could cover every type of each, even in a long career as a professional.  You might do all types of work, but you just won't perfect each are.  Between natural talent and interest limits, personal preferences, and the simple eye to work in various formats.  Oh, I suppose, there might be a genius out there who really does have it all down.

I really have been interested in black and white.  So, when one of the guru's of youtube suggested to start with black and white, the learning assignment was not a terrible burden.  Long ago I saw the potential for black and white, and dug into what could be done with it.  Both with the camera, using certain lenses, and in post process.  In many ways, I am a strong believer in man.  Not in self-salvation, but in them being the only things worth saving.  The rest, while valuable and precious, is merely here to see men through to their fate, and salvation or otherwise.  Here is a video example of what can be done in post processing.  Now, you could do this to people before hand, if they had make-up skills or you had a make-up artist on set.  But that just doesn't work for most people, even pro photographers always.  So, there is Lightroom and some other programs.

Days and nights ordered.

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Staying up later yesterday was murder.  And I forced myself to stay in bed through the night.  Neither always works, both are necessary, and some luck is involved.  While not quite scientific, the scientific is more engineering and art, if they become practical.  Even then outcomes, for my efforts or scientific are questionable.  Believe whatever you wish, just don't hold your breath about it.

It is good today.  Perhaps some very minor aches and pains.  Maybe a little bit of fog on the noggin.  These things are of such minor natures as to be almost tickles.  A shower, after a bit.  In to town later this morning or early afternoon.  A spot of business and social call, perhaps another social call, a meal in there somewhere, and a shopping stop.  Oh, and I may take my camera and some kit in, visit a park, and take some snappy snaps.  If a folk or three would allow me to photograph them, I would like to start working on post process edumacation.  I have seen amazing things that can be done in post process.  I have been hungering to play in there.  It's a bit daunting, keeping track of the original, knowing which copy is what...  Though with RAW files, so I am told, the original will remain stowed away safely and processes can be removed from any touched digital print at any time.  Still... only in time will trust about that be had.  As I mentioned, I will be taking pictures in black in white.  Though, from what I have read and heard to this point, if taken in RAW, black and white is merely a presentation.  The RAW file itself will still have color, it just needs to be brought out in post process, though perhaps even on the camera.

No dreams lately.  Pushing days and nights either enhances dreaming or shuts it down.  The latter this time.  Medicine is back on track.  I think the little discomfort I have is due to medicine bounces.  Now if I can just keep up with it I should see my way through.  Bleh.  Oh, I do try children.  Hmm... on to a bit of coffee and waking, then perhaps a load of dishes and a shower.  And then to gather laundry for when I return.  Don't want to put a load in, not knowing how long I will be and with the great potential of forgetting it in the washer.  All good.  Later.

Not all, enough.

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It seems silly to be pleased with getting just a bit done.  Silly it is, if needs be.  I did get one of the ducks delivered.  I found out that one of the ducks I had hoped to deliver just wouldn't make sense.  All good, I'll find a home for several more ducks, then keep the remainder for my meals.  A duck is a lot of food for one.  though, just as with a turkey for a regular family, a duck can be split out and parsed over time for a single.  I need to find a recipe for orange, or mixed fruit, glaze.  However, if research doesn't go forth or pan out I can do my usual.  That is quite favorable, and I know that already.  At least to my tastes.

I was asked to join the couple in an ice cream social.  Just a small affair, but quite entertaining.  The Mrs, it turns out, is preparing to be a mother.  Delicate.  Quite a thing.  A change in life that is more profound than I can put in words.  I suppose you have to have been there.  All good news.  A good deal of talking.  I hope I didn't batter their ears to bleeding.  Hmm, though I sometimes say to much.  I know my story well enough that I think little of it.  I forget how... dark it must seem.  And that was just the party scene I discussed.  Never mind.

It is pleasing to see another generation, even if just here, now, choosing to repay their ancestors with the blood debt of life.  Hmm... yeah, probably too dark.  Thankfully I didn't discus that.  Still, here, you are in my mind.  Yes, I will be attempting to do the same before too long.  I might be delusional about any prospect.  Though who knows.  Time, as discussed earlier, does tell all.  And men brave to make, or even attempt to make, a future, a truth, a reality.  Or they don't.  I choose to weather the doubt.  Suffering success or failure all the same.  So it was, is, and will be.  Amen.

Then on to town, for a quick fast food bite.  Some of which I shared with the girls.  Not too much.  While I love to share, I do consider their health.  They really aren't geared to eat cooked meats and certainly not vegetables, fruits, or grains.  Raw meat does my ladies well.  Still, they just want a little of what I eat so as to know they are valued.  And so they do, from time to time.

Ah, one other thing.  We were discussing chickens.  It seems they lost a mess of them recently.  Bird flu or some such.  So they will be buying a new batch for next year.  The Mrs, especially, after hearing my interest and trepidation decided to talk me into buying some when they order more this spring.  Gah!  Women!  Yeah, they do have a way about them, innit?  So, this spring, I will be getting a small clutch.  Clutch?  Just layers, for now.  If it works, and I end up with a small group and a rooster (or two), I may, if it all works out, give a go at putting some fryers in the queue then freezer.  We will see.  Yes, I really do want eggs, and I really do want fryers.  One thing at a time, but this is one thing, and on queue.  Oh yes, fresh eggs are a treasure.  I best begin figuring out my hen house.  Electrical supply, water and feed, bedding and cleanliness.  Yeah... we will see.  Me and my big mouth!  And yet, blessedly... me and my big mouth.  *grins*

Later.

Something.

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Not much.  A call.  An attempt to arrange a visit tomorrow while I do other business.  Another call shortly.  Ducks, even frozen ones, may fly yet.  As well, perhaps an outing in order to procure an easy lunch.  I finished the last of the roast beef sometime in the late night or early morning.  Sliced on a diagonal, topped with jalapeno jack, and heated just right.  Hmm, and, if it all works out, and I do leave the cave, perhaps I'll bring the bins back and take out what little trash there is.  Yes, keep up on that.  A must.

I have been doing pretty good with medicine, and getting better.  I still miss from time to time, and more than I should like.  Going back on it can be smooth or smooth as broken glass and slum whiskey as a cocktail.  I have been taking really good care of the girls.  When all else fails, they get what I have, little as that may be.  Now that I have their litter cleared, the one thing I can stumble regarding, I have been keeping it up.

Yeah, I'll try to make at least one delivery.  And then a trip to town.  When I return, perhaps laundry, maybe a hit on the dishes I have soaking and a rinse or reset on a soapy soak if they are still rough.  Maybe.  Not sure what I can actually do.  I just know I'd like to push my day back into the day.  Time tells what all else can't... the truth of things.  Later.

Great minds think, and act, alike?

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Oh, I might suggest it to be true.  Whether it makes them laugh or cry, the truth is what sets them free.  I'll be gentle on you for this moment.  Belief isn't necessary so long as the reaction proves the point.  Love me some pudding.  You?  *wink*

Oh, showers can be divine.

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They do say cleanliness is next to Godliness, if I think that is a stretch.  No, not quite divine.  Though, within the secular realm I suppose it could be true.  All I know is that a shower was wonderful.

I woke at some point with a massive nose bleed.  I caught it just in time to stop it up and go back to sleep.  As well, a massive headache.  My pillow was off, in spite of it being exactly as it has been for weeks at least.  Huh?  Don't ask.  I honestly cannot understand why things change like that.  Physiology is analog rather than digital, I guess.  Things change.

I am in pretty rough general shape.  Other than the headache, it isn't a painful situation.  It is simply not very productive.  I don't have more than a load of laundry, so I may try to get that going and through tonight.  Dishes are mostly done as well.  With the shower kicked out, I may hit them again.  The cave, in general, however, is... rough.  I don't know when I can get back to that.  Men are not housekeepers.  Ask any judge!

I am heading toward function.  It is just very hit or miss.  For all I know this is as good as it will get for a while.  The cold and lack of sun sort of do what they do.  It's not that I am picky, it's that my body is.  And I keep slipping on medicine.  I do my best but that isn't always all that good.  I'll just keep at things.

I am hoping to pull some of the RAW files over to the laptop, especially of the girls, and work them into something I might attempt uploading and displaying.  I may, in time, create a web page just for photography.  I'll let some of you know where, if I do such.  But it won't be directly linked.  Most folk can't handle this page.  Heck, I can't always deal with it.  It won't be a pro-page, just a photographic tinkerer's forum, or symposium, or... something.  Presentation?  Yeah.  Working on what I do with photos in post process, what kit I use and how I use it, exploring light and shadow, defining iso, shutter speed, and aperture uses.  Mostly just saying what I am doing and thinking while inviting others to comment or advise, or just watch and learn.  My next project, other than two I have ongoing photographically, will be black and white photography in order to explore shadow and contrast a bit.  Not as artsy as it seems, more just a realization that I am... black and white blind?  I need to learn shadow and contrast.  More dumb learning than haute photographe.  

On to waking.  Coffee, probably a new pot, more of the series I am watching, perhaps a few eggs in a bit.  Later.

The ducks arrived.

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Oh, I know.  I wanted one, for Christmas... give or take, and to pass a few around.  It's just a unique sort of food, something many people have never tried.  And, tis the season, innit?

I had planned to just do my usual, score the skin and use sauerkraut stuffing.  It turns out well, if fairly... hmm... savory.  I must admit, after trying the goose done that way I am more inclined to try something a bit more like that.  Now, there is no way I can do that much.  I can, however, do something partial.  Maybe.  I'm thinking an initial fruit stuffing, then replacing that with sauerkraut.  Yeah, it's still a lot of work, but no where close to the goose deal.  After the fruit has been cooked, then blendered, then use it as a baste.  The skin of the duck should be well browned by then.  Just a thought.

I was fearful about the ducks showing up when I was asleep.  I couldn't find the email that offered a link to a delivery company.  Sometimes, often, it has been below freezing out there.  But not today.  I was sure glad to see it had finally arrived, and that the birds hadn't thawed a bit.  Oh, and with the big freezer clear, cleaned, cleaned a couple more times, dried, and back in action... all good.  I hope to begin getting those out at the first of the month.  One prize per season, so I'll be sending these out to other folk.  Some in gratitude one way, some in another way.  Though mostly just glad to have neighbors who haven't decided to stone me or chase me off... so far.

My days have twisted around, so that I am up until early afternoon.  I have something Monday, and dinner tomorrow, and I need to get the garbage bins back in.  I actually haven't created trash, mostly, this week.  Less than a bag.  And, with it being freezing out there, no need to push getting nearly empty bins to the curbs.  So... probably no trash this week.  Still, I ought to get the bins back.  Tacky.  :p  Later, or good night.

Well?

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I am still in a bit of a bind.  I am feeling good.  I am sleeping well.  Medicine is back to clockwork and all up to dose.  It just doesn't seem to matter as to function.  I cannot seem to do... almost anything.  I'll keep at it, get to it when I can, keep looking for opportunity.  I am so off that I am very comfortably numb.  That, actually, makes function very difficult.  It is analogous to freezing to death.  At some point the world just seems too far away.  The pain isn't as bad as the effort to come back to the world.  No, not dying, just... resting.  Medicine might, eventually help me through.  I might be able to wake enough before long.  Or it might not be until spring.

I have been able to do a few minor things.  I was able, through tinkering and research, to bring my laptop back into play.  I had the wi-fi turned off.  Looks like someone had turned it on.  Further, they had done some partial update for win 8.1.  Not good.  Now my machine is begging for win 10.  Even with wi-fi off and updates not allowed, this device proactively tried to install that crap.  Thankfully I have a "picture" of the harddrive pre-attack.  I believe I will be able to take it all back.  I also believe I had the lightroom installed on the 'image'.  But that does indicate how desperate and brutal microsoft has become.  No one wants their stuff.  They think they are a god, and demand, beg, plead, cheat, and steal to gain our love.  That's not how it works.  The reason the old gods* fell out of favor was because the provided nothing but psychotically thieving, lying, cheating, and horrible advocates whose only love and favor was for themselves and their own.  Much like bureaucracies of today.  So, it seems you can't even say no, not really.  The hacker IS your OS provider.

Still, I have the machine back to where I can get on and edit pictures.  The password whoever installed when updating and whatever else they did is now gone.  I didn't do that part.  And, yes, I had a solid, as good as it gets, security suite installed.  Those, most likely, are beholding to microsoft.  To even work with the OS they have to let m.s. do whatever it wants, right through their security.  Much as .gov can force that allowance.

I have a number of photos I wish to work with.  Christmas lights from last year, Sam, the house, and perhaps shortly, Sassy.  I got some neat ones of Sam.  She's okay with photos being taken, however, she wants to mark thus own my camera.  Not going to happen.  And yet, it lends to some potential for some cool photos.  I think they turned out ok, but I really need to import them and view them larger.  She is a willful girl, and I may have captured some of that.

I have what gear I have, for a while.  I have too many expenses coming in to even think about another lens, especially a pricey one, for quite some time.  I have a few other, potential, expenses coming up that... while sat... will also really have to see a change in my purchase practices of late.  All good.  No problems.  It works.  If it works.  If not, it doesn't.  Still, I can keep studying, practicing (thankfully no film or developing costs), and doing other research.  I really do hope to learn to take pictures well enough to be considered a limited professional.  I need something to bright up the place.  And... I need incentives to get out.  When I can get back to that.  I live in the perfect local, even state.  If you are into natural landscapes, even some cityscapes, wildlife, and many various terrains, this is the place to be.  Rivers, lakes, mountains, deserts, white-water to flat, and things no other state truly has in such abundance.  The wildlife exists because many of those places are not suitable for human habitat or other human needs.

Here is an example of the videos I am reviewing.  Now, I don't just eat it, like candy.  I experiment and test.  In this one, for example, I don't completely agree.  I do like spot metering.  There are caveats.  For moving objects, sports, and some other such, yeah, I get why spot won't work, or as well.  Though it may be possible.  I am not, at the moment, quite sure how good the photographer would need to be.  Much like hunting a duck with a rifle versus a shotgun?  Maybe.  Depends a bit on which choke, what powder, what weight, and ball size, on the one side.  Still, I do understand what he is talking about enough to experiment.  Though I really need to get some other things down more exactly, such as how to set the various options in the various modes, when exactly to use specific modes, and such.  I understand that, for example, if I want a specific depth of field, and will have to be compensating on the fly for all of the variables, aperture priority mode used to set and forget while I muss with the shutter speed and iso can make a shoot much easier for a timed singular event.  If I can go back until I get the shot, then tinkering might be better.  Each mode, method, and variable can be tied off or free-handed.  But knowing when, how, why... and just knowing of mind is not enough.  It has to become natural.  You just know.  Much like driving.  When it is a bit icy, you know to stop further ahead.  And, to be honest, that takes a lot of near or actual mistakes, years of getting one's emotions in hand and gaining focus.  So it is with photography.  Better one shot at a time, but without any guarantee.  Such is life itself.