My day is... moving along.

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I am going to bed later and later.  Which, for now, is a good thing.  I know it was after ten, but how much after... minutes or hours?  It may have been as late as 14:00.  Perhaps later.  I just don't know.  Stretching my day can sometimes cause memory to stretch, and as it does so, recall becomes impossible.

I had a text conversation this morning.  I was hoping it would tell me.  But the last transmission was just a bit before ten.  While that doesn't give me an endpoint, it does give me a strong clue.  I was awake, I am saying, minimally, two hours longer.  So I can, to my mind, safely change the earliest time to bed to around noon.  As well, I can stretch the possible bedtime to around 15:00.

As I write?  I think, think I say, think... I was awake until about 15:30, give or take a quarter.  That... is what my mind is saying it is pulling from a very distant, foggy, stretched, memory.  If so, waking at 19:30 is a bit of a stretch.  Still, I am awake, fairly pain free... what is t here is mild... and rested.  I'm not even achy, mostly.

Now, that is surface pain.  Underneath, and around the trim, there is pain.  Just doing chores wore me right out, left me panting.  And the tops and bottoms of my feet sort of hurt to walk on.  Which I don't get at all.  I have been keeping fluid intake to an gallon and an half or less, and taking three water pills a day for the last two or three days... other than missing Wednesday.  I am done with the extra waterpill as makeup, either today or tomorrow.  I hope going back to two will work?

I may have to figure out how to wear shoes or boots every day.  Starting hours at a time, then working to longer.  Perhaps not wearing shoes is the problem.  Or, at least while titrating medication?  I just, don't always, know why something goes sideways.  All I can do is try to sort out... a fix.  Or several fixes hobbled together into a curative, however temporary.

Dreams of women.  Annoying, but... who doesn't enjoy being annoyed.  Just flirtations and general conversations.  I enjoyed their company, but in my chaste measures at this point.  I like their company, at times, in ways.  When it is good, even in the purer ways, perhaps especially in the purer ways, it is very good.  But, that there is a whole other line just... over there... it... triples the potential.  Annoying, but lovely.  I didn't have to prayer for escape this time to get it.  Perhaps the Saint of the Yellow Rose was with me?  My own little saint.

Hmm... chores done, cats fed, tea set and a container ready for the day... to drink.  An hour or three to wake.  Eggs in, sausages ready to cook for with those.  Kefir being rotated, and ready, if a fatted coffee first as I wake.  Oh, and maybe chicken tonight, if I can clear through things.

As for work?  I really hope to get counters, do dishes and set them for a rinse, part out the chicken then clean that counter again, then finish dishes.  As well, perhaps, at least separate laundry into loads, perhaps washing a load?  I don't plan on doing all that much?  If I take anacin, now?  Yes, let me do that.  It may... help.  This time.

Then, perhaps, work in the bathroom.  More things downstairs, boxes up.  A mouse was caught downstairs, but was dead.  Only the barrel trap remains.  None have fallen for it.  Perhaps the peanut butter was too old?  No, that was the same peanut butter used in the "live" traps.  Anyway, anacin now.  And maybe later.  In an attempt to do more.

It was warm enough, when I was going to bed, to turn the furnace off and open the house up, including upstairs.  It was 64 upstairs, when I woke (which is warmer than most of this spring if cooler than what it was becoming very recently by two to three degrees, and it is 68 or so downstairs.  I am beginning to slowly close up, but enjoying the good air.  The next time I am up, I will clear litter.  Then, after another down period after whatever else I do, I will then close up shop for the night.

Doing what I can, when I can.  Painfully, exhausted, tiring quickly, but... I'll... keep at it as is possible.  Remember, even in these things, it's God's will, no mine.  Certainly not when it hurts so.  I never had an affinity with a coach.  Until I came to know God.  Though He is as a coach I have never known... one to be trusted.  Amen.

What are you doing on my porch?

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Who are you?  Though, I... suspect I know.  Walk with care, here.

Ah, back to normal!

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Normal isn't always a good thing.  I woke in a, if milder than worst case, agony.  Kidneys to ribs, tops of my feet to ankles to even the bottoms of my feet again, and other parts, known and unknown, with a headache tossed in for my non-participant masochistic pleasure.  Yes, boys and girls, it hurts, everywhere, fairly strongly, today.

Anacin, first thing.  Tylenol?  I had a partial blood nose last night.  No, I'll go with anacin.  If I need painkillers later, or for the next several days, or want them, I'll do tylenol.  Ibuprofen doesn't help so much, just when the others don't work, which is a rarer thing.  Still, I thank God for another chance at a day here.

The dishes were given one washing and reset.  I still need to wash counters, then hit dishes.  There is also laundry, bathroom cleanup, and chores.  For now I sit, in pain, and sort and wake.  A glass of kefir going down, a few prayers, and waking.  It's what I can do.  Oh, I fed the girls, first thing.  Just a rare thing, but it has happened.

The plans?  Counters, then dishes.  I may eat before I finish them.  A shower, and the last bits of dishes in.  I think I can clear all that tonight, pain or no.  If I can do anything else, I would like to do work in the bathroom.  It is getting close to being able to be rightly done.  The toilet has been kept pretty clean.  The tub as well, mostly.  The sink is okay, but needs to be cleared and cleaned.  It's the floor that needs work, and some clutter remains.  It would be nice to have an impeccable bathroom.  Perhaps, if I can't get that on the first run, keep hitting it over time, until it is where I wouldn't mind strange neighbors using it.

I am hoping to break the chicken down, as well.  Cutting it into pieces, pulling the skin and baking that, then cooking the meat with the bones, pulling the meat when it is done, then doing a bone broth after.  I don't have veggies for a soup, tonight, but a bit of bone broth with meat will still make a wonderful meal.  

Shopping, tomorrow?  I've... been trying to shop for a week.  Pain, distortion, confustion, forgetfulness, have all been plaguing me.  No complaint.  Going back on medicine usually ends up a good thing, there is simply a price to pay for that.  I only bother because I am pretty sure it will, eventually, pay out.  It might take a month or two, though sometimes it only takes a couple of weeks.  The warmer the weather, the quicker it shakes out, if too the more miserable.  With the cool, it is more difficult to come up to speed.  It takes longer.  But I sleep better.  Tradeoffs.

I already took medicine for today.  If, foolishly, I took morning medicines as I went to bed.  Filling a pee jug for doing so.  Still, I... try.  Why do I always forget that?  Bleh.  I do my best.  Yes, anacin.  It really hurts today.  I have, generally, stopped praying for cessation of pain.  God... just says no, by deed more than anything.  I... won't begrudge Him this.  I... don't need to understand.  And the label?  Is not in jest, or mockery, or any such thing.  I praise Him as He is with me, in rain, sun, snow, good, and bad.  I attempt to reflect His presence, love, and will to my life, even in this.

Later.

It is 38 out there.

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That is, 38 F.  Which is much warmer than yesterday night.  It got down to 24 yesterday, at the lowest I saw it.  Even so, that is quite chilly for late April.

I had more food.  I washed the dishes once, plus pulled a pan and a few other items to be finished.  Grilling bratwursts, then slicing and further frying one to go with eggs.  Oh, and a good two cups of kefir.  I might have another brat, reheated, with more kefir.  I don't know that I am eating enough, but I'm not really all that hungry now that I am eating something.  Right foods, as well.

I had an objective for the day.  However, a minor mistake means it can't happen.  Still, I will call in, let some people know it won't be today.  Ask a question about a detail I am not sure how to manage.  So I have to stay up a while longer.  I'd like to stretch into the day anyway.  I have been crashing between 06:00 and 07:00 for the last two days, perhaps longer.

Since I am up, and trying to stay awake, I may hit the dishes again.  As well, I may hit counters.  I am not sure either is possible.  Now, or when I wake, it needs to be done.  I need a shower, want one too.  Love those things.  I haven't sorted laundry yet, either.  Ugh... I just... I don't know.

I did check the ducks.  They have food remaining.  I changed the water for the mini girls.  The rest still have various amounts of water.  I won't check food until later, if I suspect they have plenty of food.  I wonder if a water mister would help them cool off, be dangerous for them, or... Though I can't help those out in the outbuilding.  I keep thinking of a lawn cage tractor sort of thing... just to give them a better opportunity to cool down.  But have you seen the price of lumber lately?  Wow.

Who knows.  I may make it only another hour, and crash so hard I get a headache.  I am sort of doubting extra work.  Every critter, including me, has been fed, watered, and generally tended.  That might just have to be good enough for today.  Oh... but... staying awake long enough to make a call.  That's part of it.  If I can do that, all is good.  Hmm, and some food.  Later, or more likely good night... and day.

Not bad.

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I keep wearing out.  Even so, I... so far... keep getting back up and at it.  One thing or three, small or large, here and there.  Work.  Well, and dinner.

Eggs and sausage.  Very very good.  Something else yet tonight.  Bratwursts?

Dishes in, set up.  Some of them smelled pretty awful.  Soaking.

Trash.  I think every thing.  As well, the litter boxes cleared.  All of that smelled, save the litter.  I have been keeping up on it.  But the trash had stuff from the dishes.  Ugh.  Tied up and out.  I closed up the house as I took the trash out.  I would have left things open, but it is getting too cool.  I would have gotten the trash out earlier, but I was tuckered after doing what I could do to that point.  More airing, tomorrow.

The nice thing is, if I can do dishes tonight I will have managed everything smelly.  So, any airing out will be just on the plus side, not the necessary side, of things?  Something like that.  Uhrm... assuming I can keep up.  Not bad, not bad.  A good start.

I haven't, of course, taken a shower.  And I haven't sorted laundry.  I have done exactly what I could do, and perhaps pushed that a bit.  I may be done for the night.  Though I am hoping for more.  For me  to push through dishes, to get to a shower, I need to clean surfaces.  Doable?  Maybe.  If nothing else, I do hope to at least sort laundry, and put a load in for running sometime tomorrow.

I also called my mother.  She called earlier.  She seems to lead as charmed a life as I, these days.  Life hurts, but... we survive it, intact even, often.  She made my prayer list.  Silly girl.  Good to hear from her.  At least the shot seemed to help... shots?  She is feeling better, on that score.

As just a little thing, I finally remembered to get my smart phone shattered protector off, putting it instead into a case within a case.  The glass front looks okay.  And with the shell with a shell front, it should be secure enough.  I am not hard on my phones but all it takes is one problem to create a serious issue.

Ah, and I contacted someone who helps.  I had asked, when he was next in, if he could purchase a few dog chain/leash clips, for use on the rabbit hay feeders... to keep them from being able to scramble in, up, and out.  He brought those tonight.  And I was able to pay him off.  So, soon, I will be able to finish those.

Not bad.  Not a lot, in truth.  But the stinky stuff, or at least once dishes are completed, have been tended.  A shower would be quite good though too.  So I really am hoping to push dishes through yet tonight.  Maybe to bed early?  Oh, I should get the grill going, for brats.  Love those things.  Later.

Finally, a start.

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Ugh, still haven't hit litter.  But it is still pretty fresh.  However, I have started in on the kitchen.  Trash and dirty dishes shouldn't be a combined effort, but they are.  Much has been cleared, and the big tub has been brought out and made ready.  The problem is, I am watering the ducks.  Can only do one water task at a time.  So be it.

After the alarm, I will shut the ducks off, and start running hot dish water.  I will mostly be doing pots, pans, larger containers, and a few dishware items.  The few dishes I use which need washed.  Flatware and serving pieces will be done later.  I fell a bit behind.  But it has definitely been worse.

As well, with the windows open, life is... better.  And, with these things being managed, and litter again and being kept up, life should be much better sooner.  Between cooler weather and medicine, things have been tight.  Still, I... I might be able to do enough, once a week, to keep up.  Getting ahead, for now, is a pipe dream.  But I can keep up, maybe.

I really hope to do the dishes tonight.  I won't plan on anything else... save getting the trash out.  Recycling has already been collected and put out, plus the can has been rebagged.  As well, when I did the complete litter tending recently, some trash had gone out with that.  Sometimes I can only do few things, bits, parts.  But I do when I can.

Well, beside dishes, I am hoping to take a shower.  And sort laundry.  I won't wash tonight, but I will get loads sorted, for when I can.  Probably Saturday.  I want to line dry the clothes.  And probably towels.  I wash towels every or every other time I use them.  I would every time, I just don't quite have the energy.

Oh, and while tinkering in the kitchen, I am looking for extra instapot pots, lids, and other things I purchased.  I knew I would want them.  I don't know which they fit, the 6 or 8 quart.  Some might work with both?  I do know I want an extra for the eight quart, so I don't have to put all my soups, roasts, and such in separate containers or go without the instapot until the food is gone.  I might not even mind having two extra, and various lids including a silicon airtight refrigerator lid.  

They are out there, somewhere, probably.  Just a matter of finding them.  Whatever of them I have.  And, the place is getting sorted out, it's just a matter of looking.  It is more the volume of items to sort than unkemptness, mostly.  So it should be easy.  As well, I need to find the 6 quart instapot.  That would be better for general cooking, say stocks and such.  Leave the 8 quart for bone broths and larger cooking projects.

I'll... get there.  Get ahead.  Get organized.  And be ready for more cooking.  I have a chicken which is thawed.  I'd like to see that to a soup, perhaps tonight.  And schmaltz and gribenes...  I may separate the chicken, set the skin aside, bone some of the parts, and learn.  Something about being your own butcher that... once you get over the... strangeness of it... is quite satisfying.  I feel less like a liar about my food.  So many people eat animal, but feel above or outside of the fact.  That's a shame.  It's why people believe stupid things, because they haven't been forced to deal with reality.

Later.

Woke without pain.

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Well, there is some back in there, in the background.  But even it was light.  I can't actually feel that, mostly.  Sometimes I can sort out what hurts, figure out what the likely cause is.  But it is more a drag on my energy, as if adding weight to my saddle bags, than actual pain.  Mild, even that.

I was quite pleased.  It's... been a while.  Now, as I wake, most of the pain settles.  Anacin once or twice a week helps.  It all, mostly, becomes background... extra weight... sort of thing.  If, too, lately, that has been rather steep.  Getting up, and going, even to cook and eat, even when terribly hungry, has been between difficult and impossible.  So hungry, by the way, if in more of a keto way... knowing I need to eat, and even some want of food, but in that strange way keto does.  It's... a different type of hunger.

Then, I realized...  I have missed medicine.  For a day?  Two?  Definitely one day.  I think just one day.  I had reset my medicine so that it was geared to change on Tuesdays, meaning Tuesday should be full.  Wednesday is full too, and it is Thursday... yes, calculations.  I think I missed just one day.  So tired.  Anyway, I'll be back on things today.

After talking with the doctor, I reset medicines to our new agreement.  An extra water pill and an extra potassium.  Blood tests will tell us from there, where we can adjust.  Though, since I missed, and at the time I wasn't sure how much I missed, I added two three potassium to the single, and two extra water pills, for the next three days.  If I miss on that, fluids can accumulate very fast, and need immediate extra, and more of it.  If I end up drying out too fast, too harshly, I will cut that.  Tricky business, sometimes.

Chores, first thing.  Birds and bunnies anyway, the girls will get food when I can stand again.  Yes, even without pain, I exhaust quickly.  At least for the moment.  It was in the mid 50's, so I opened the cave up.  So very nice.  Hmm, I may have forgotten to turn the furnace off, I'll... do that, after this, and feed the girls... do their litter.  I did refresh their water, so there was that.

I cooked more sausage than I can eat, yesterday.  So, in a bit, I can fry eggs and reheat those.  They aren't the best, this time.  Quality varies quickly for some things.  Though, maybe, these don't freeze well?  Fresh, they seemed rather good... or once frozen?  Frozen, or refrozen, and they aren't so good.  Not horrible, or actually bad, just... old tasting.  The eggs make up for them.  But, I need some of the bacon ends.  The last few packs of those have been exceptional, both fresh and frozen for a while.  Plus, three pounds costs less than some of the high-falooten brands per twelve ounces!  Ugh.

I best finish the feeding and litter, and start a pan for breakfast, then grab tea for medicine and general use.  Be well and have a good day.

A bit rough and tumble, but got it.

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Got it?  Yes, well, yes.

I had the phone appointment today.  It was set to happen a few hours after I went to bed.  I attempted to get to bed earlier.  That failed.  I attempted to stay awake longer.  That failed.  Usually, with sleep, I get to sleep when I can, not when I want to sleep.  As well, when I need to sleep, I... pretty much have to sleep.  Adrenalin can sometimes allow me an extended range.  But that can be quite miserable.

I set two alarms.  The first was two hours before.  It was just a... booster.  The next alarm was set for half an hour before.  As well, I set the 'do not disturb' setting on my phone to an half hour before the call.  So I wouldn't receive a bunch of calls from telemarketers.  And, a good thing, as I received two... which were blocked.

I was asleep, when the call came.  But had been softened by the alarms.  The last alarm I had allowed to snooze right up, pretty much, until time.  It sounded every ten minutes and had probably just sounded before the call came through.  Yes, I was tired.  I might even have been slightly grumpy.  And my body hurt.  BUT... I was able to awake and present.

And, I... mostly... like this doctor.  He doesn't try, usually, to gaslight me.  He still asks about the psychiatric.  I told him I don't fall for that form of gaslighting anymore, so he can stop it.  I explained why.  Then again, in part, doctors try to sell services... even ones they know are bogus... for the hospital.  It might even be required of them.

I explained my current suffering.  I told him what my bp has been running... it is coming down, but slowly.  Blood sugar, fasting, is 250... was... 220 this morning.  And I am able to get it to drop to 120 last night.  Even eating beans with burger.  Out of that though.  Ugh... have to find something else!

As well, I promised to keep on medicine, get in soon for a bunch of blood tests, and if bp was still over 140 and/or 85 average, to call him in two weeks.  Further, we are setting up an echo cardiogram.  Gotta check these things.  The liver and kidney function will be checked, along with the a1c when I go in for the tests.  I asked for a few days, because my feet are still in very bad shape... hurts to walk.

Ah, and we did agree to two water pills... at least for now... and two potassium to go with it.  Plus my other vitamins, that should handle most of it.  I will go with that for a while, a couple more weeks, then try to go down to one water pill.  I'll keep trying, from time to time.  The water pills are good, in what they do.  But they are hard on the liver and kidneys.  Still, I'm down from three.  It's a start.

Ugh...  Then, after all else, I crashed back to sleep.  It was difficult, for the conversation and defense of self against gaslighting and a few other things.  Well, and just... making sure information is moving in the correct direction and correctly posited.  Sleep, was, again to be found.  I slept for four more hours?  Three to five, something like that.

Chores, first thing.  Soon I need to refill waterers.  The girls need food and water set back up.  There is some hope I can do more.  Collecting the rest of trash, a shower, starting dishes, and?  I don't know.  Not sure I can do all of it.  But I can do some of it.  

The feet are still rough.  I wore easy boots... not too tight... and soft thin socks.  I didn't shove my feet into boots (if I did that when I went to the lawyers... ugh!  if more by accident).  Even so, my feet are rough.  I may, today, wear my boots for short periods of time, without walking on them all that much, in hopes of... breaking them back in to boots, and some walking... so when I go for blood tests I won't be as hobbled.

Ah, and I went through a bunch of old phone messages.  There were messages from years ago?  Oh well.  I got most of them cleared out.  A few I will check on, before long.  Crazy.  But, finally.  I did that right after talking to Doc.  Before going back to sleep.  It was strangely relaxing.  I think it helped me to stand down in order to sleep.

Later.

Women.

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Feeling better.  Anacin probably helped.  Well, when it is taken it has that chance.

Lungs are almost sore.  The hands can be, from time to time.  Kidneys and other innards bother, from time to time.  Most things, however, have become tame, occasional, and mild.  It's... almost boring.  Which... I might add... is a very fine thing.  Yes indeedy.  I... can live with boring, for a while, in... case anyone who has power might have thought differently, wrongly.  Just... a way with words!

Yes, well, now that that is cleared...

I did get some food in.  I took some of the trash out.  I will be checking rabbit waterers soon, and putting the ducks in.  I had a meal, still digesting.  Almost painfully full.  Burger and beans.  Blood sugar was slightly high, but I have been eating burgers and beans for days now, and had a sandwich when we were out the other day.

As soon as my stomach feels a slight bit less full, I will begin with chores and else.  Last I looked, it was 40 out.  I have closed the house back down, turning on the furnace as well.  Beyond chores, I am hoping to get more trash... the rest of it... gathered and out.  Then a shower.  If so, I am really hoping to put dirty pots, pans, and flatware into the pool, perhaps starting a load of laundry?  At least setting laundry up for tomorrow.

I seem to have a reasonable amount of money left.  I will hold onto that for now, as well as possible.  If I can begin saving, I need to begin accruing quotes for an electrical system fix.  That is required before messing with a new furnace, definitely before considering ac.  I don't think any more stimulus is coming, but if so, I could put two and most of one together to get that done.  One can hope.

An appointment tomorrow... by phone.  I will have to get in, to get a blood test... a bunch of them... soon.  Beyond?  I'll have to see about various function testing... liver, kidney, heart... and any other problems they know about or should.  Probably some sort of diabetes level as well?  Then I need a full readout, in easy to understand terms... for me at least.  That will require, minimally, a lot of blood testing.

Anyway... I'll try to get to a few things, before long, then to bed.  Keeping my phone near, and setting an alarm.  I'll keep my phone off, however, until the alarm... alarms... one of them as I'll probably need to set two given my sleep difficulties lately.  I hate being awaken by a phone call from a hacker, fraudster, or other such.

Hmm... a bit more time, then I'll see what I can get going.  The litter and trash which has been taken, and the airing out, sure helped freshen the place a bit.  Still needs more.  Maybe all yet tonight?  If I could just think... and stand for more than fifteen minutes!

A new cool tool?

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I don't know how cool it is?  New, yes.  It... may be cool.  If it works.

When trying to get things attached to the rabbit cages, the effort hasn't been greatly successful.  The wire gets bound, or the needlenosed pliers catch and don't really get the solid tight grip hoped.  It looks good, or right, but I get the feeling that there is room for the rabbits to push out and get out.

This, however, I am hoping, will twist the wire ties down to a very solid grip.  Further, while I can use the ties that came with it, I am betting, with just a bit of work, I could use whatever gauge of whichever metal wire that might work.  I can craft little ties, if need be.  I am too tired to tinker today, but they arrived a bit ago.

Oh... I did find out what the attempted billing was.  It was for a game I stopped playing a very long time ago.  They were letting the Chinese, and other hackers, break in and use the game anyway.  I couldn't keep the game to myself, so stopped playing.  I am sure I never put it on autopay.  Thankfully my bank called it.  They must get enough complaints about that company.  Done and done.

As for work today?  I am still hoping so.  It isn't terribly warm, but at 50, calm, and mostly sunny, I did turn off the furnace and open windows and doors to a degree.  Plus I put a fan on up here in the front room.  It is 68 inside.  Well, at the moment.  I can't quite tell if it is still dropping, though maybe not.

I had turned the furnace up yesterday, and until I shut it off.  I had it at 74, because I needed warmth yesterday.  I had left it off for a few days, accidentally, and just not been able to be aware of the problem.  Which added to the misery index, as the house had dropped to 62.  Okay sleeping temp, not a good working or living temp.  So, it might still be dropping.  I don't mind down to 66, if I am not working... or... actually better if I am working.  If working, 66 feels like the 70's.

I did get the cat litter managed.  Two fresh boxes, and one with some of the best of the old litter.  All cleared, completely.  I also got that and much of the trash ready to go.  That which was in the can.  I need to finish getting trash from here and there.  If I can do that, and a shower, and a break, the hope is to start dishes, and maybe run a load of laundry... to be hung.  Maybe two if I think I can get them both out.

Who knows.  I have done a bit.  Still surrounded in a cocoon of pain, but... as that shell of warmth when swimming in cold water, there is an odd comfort from it.  I... don't always understand, though I think this is about the balance of it.  Nothing hurts too terribly if I don't think about it.  And with everything hurting, it all become a background noise-like thing.  Nothing stands out.  It is comforting because I am so... familiar with it.

I have heard that a saint suggested we should embrace suffering.  For, in heaven, there will not be a chance at it.  I... am... thinking that saint might be a bit dingy.  But... there... may be something to it.  I... go back and forth on that.  Still, I... have a place for it.  I do believe those, as with me when I was there, in purgatory, can use it.  And I send it.  As well, if accepted in a humbling way, it does bring me to Christ and a better understanding of His walk.  And His path, and contemplation of it, does make my path much easier.  Amen.

If suffering could be beautiful?

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That would be today.  Yesterday, however, would have been exquisite.  Neither a sadist, nor masochist, I don't think in such ways.  As a avocational linguist, however, with oppositional notions from time to time, I can't help but paint those notions etymologically.  Etymologically?  I... think so.  If right?  I don't always know quite for certain.  If incorrect, too tired to check.  Maybe an edit, at some point in the future?

I was down by 07:30?  Give or take an half hour.  Hmm, I thought I started waking toward the last quarter of 13:00?  But... that... can't be?  After finally waking, then tinkering just a bit, as I sit, having lit the machine and router, it is just 13:52.  No... I must have seen incorrectly.  It must have been the first quart of 13:00, or thereabouts, when I started waking.  Or it was a dream?

Pain?  Stomach to kidney, neck and shoulders to feet.  The feet, again, are the worst, and part of why I am awake.  Just the tops this time.  I have stayed off my feet since yesterday, mostly.  So the bottoms of my feet don't hurt.  But the tops feel as if they have been slapped by a hand which knows it's business, or a belt.  Still, that's a 50% improvement... more actually.  The sides don't hurt either, but they were a more minor portion of the pain yesterday.

I'd call it a 60% of everything pain day, and mild to medium... what does hurt... other than the feet.  Yesterday was more like 100%, plus nearly double to severity of the feet pain.  Better is better.  I never did take painkillers yesterday.  Why?  I... didn't... couldn't... think of it.  Today, though, definitely.  Besides, they might help me get to work.

My bank has been calling, but I didn't trust.  Then again, talking to my bank?  They... aren't sure who called, or why?  Finding out now.  I don't trust automated calling.  Or calls which don't link back to my bank directly.  If call monitoring doesn't list them, I won't trust.  I will call the bank myself.  Can't... fully... trust banks these days, either, or anyway.  They seem to hate white people, little people, non-government people.  And they show it.  Must be a thing the Fed is pushing on them?

Okay... the charge?  I don't know what it was, but it wasn't mine... or knowingly.  So I have to get a new card.  If it was a membership?  The cost is rather high, so either it went way up or it was something else.  It is canceled, whatever it was.  This is the third or fourth time in the last few years.  I am being directly targeted.  I wish they would go after whoever is using it.  They have to be able to find them.  It just isn't worth the effort, or the police won't do anything for political reasons.  Things are simply going to have to get fixed.  But they won't get fixed if neither banks or police will act.  Well, that isn't true.  I just don't have the wherewithal to do it myself.  Perhaps others do have what it takes?

I am still hoping to get some work today.  The list is the same.  I am feeling thirty to forty percent better?  I... wouldn't say that... just... a decent bit better in most... some... a way.  Worse in the stomach.  Still, better, generally.  I will try to get a few things done today.  I think I can.  At least a few things started.  Just a few starts would be good.  Later.

I couldn't.

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I did get some food in.  It was good.  That was it.  It wasn't enough.

I did small things besides.  The problem is that when I would begin, I would cramp or exacerbate pain a bit too much.  I was able to stay focused, just not bear up to the pain.  I... am getting there.  I... will get there, in shorter order.  I am just not there yet.  It's okay.  I have started medicines and am almost ready.

I'm about to let the ducks out, check water and food for the rabbits, then go on to bed.  A good prayer, if I can stay awake.  A shorter one and a few special prayers if I am fading too fast.  No worries.  I will keep at it, attempting to do more.  Just a bit of food is filling me.  Too full.

I'll figure it out, and keep trying.  Then again, it got very cool, cold probably, again last night.  It seeps into the bones.  Good night.

I dreamed of these things.

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As a child, before I knew of my nature, I dreamed this following many times, several times a year at least.  Sometimes the dreams would terrify me.  I had them often.  I described them to my mother, but... she doesn't remember.  I had them until my later teens.  Sometimes, as mentioned, they were terrifying.  Though, in time, the dreams became... almost comforting, in familiarity, if always terribly powerful dreams for reasons I could not understand.

Better?

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I do believe so.  The crushing agony has mellowed to a soft warm envelopment of mild suffering.  If I don't think about any pain, it all becomes background noise.  If I think about any single thing, it can be a bit much.  And walking hurts.  Hands don't hurt to use, only if considered directly do they hurt.

It is a quarter to one.  I have been up a bit.  Kefir in, and tea.  Medicine going in, almost losing track of that with my days and nights doing flips and summersaults.  Still, so far, mostly, caught up.  Mostly.  I am thinking about eating something else, soon.  And with kefir.  Kefir, as a basis for other foods, really helps keep the inner worlds working as they should.  In so many ways.

I am hoping to get trash together and out, as well as litter.  Perhaps another shower.  If not, put dishes in to soak.  There aren't that many, but they are beginning to collect quickly.  Gloves... I need to find my gloves, so I can work with those while extremely hot and just get through them.  And, whether I start a load or not tonight, I would like to arrange laundry.

Little things, little bits of things.  A start, or restart.  Through the pain.  But I... hate what the place has fallen back into, the state.  I had it going so well for a while.  The fruits of today, getting most of the cardboard out.  That was the whole back of a truck full.  I have two more areas of those to clear, but that was two thirds of the boxes?  And they aren't just broken down, but now gone.

Still, a few things, tonight.  Maybe not all the way.  The pain might be a real limit tonight.  But, a start.  And, the start will get rid of some of the stink.  Ugh.  That... is what is getting to me.  I had the place in... if not great shape... at least without such odor.  I have been so crippled lately I haven't even noticed.  I noticed today.

Trash out, cat litter managed, and dishes collected and started, would be a massive beginning to odor control.  Then, if or when it begins to warm again, I could open up and let fresh air do it's thing... upstairs and down.  It is getting cold again.  It is freezing, at 30 F, and windy out there.  This is not spring.  This is not mid to late April.  This is still winter.  No matter.  I would like to be ready for when it does warm.  If... it warms.  I think it will.  Just, not like before.

But summers, as we know them?  We may get a few, in the next few years, decades.  Perhaps this year, maybe next.  Off and on.  But I think... summers as we have known them are a thing of the past.  And at least for the presumed duration of my life... for the next fifty years... maybe for the next thousand to ten thousand, summers are lessening.  Some years there won't be a summer.  It... isn't just earth.  Look to the changes on Mars, Saturn, Venus, and the rest.  The sun has become cool, shirking it's shine.

Never mind.  Enjoy life.  Do what you may.  Sun or pain or no.  I will.  If I can just get a few things going tonight, and finish one or a few tomorrow, life will be good.  I may have to hobble on swollen bruised feet, but I... think I can.  Using hurt hands.  I think I will.  With a smile, and a few furry friends pestering me for attention and to make sure I know I'm not alone.  It's... a little life, but a good one.  Later, I suspect.  Hopefully a later of success.

Waking to agony.

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I had gone to bed around 15:xx... some time between 23 and 48 or so?  I... can't remember.  The wind was terrible.  I put remnant lengths of cut limbs on, against, and else to hold the tarps over the rabbits.  I can only hope that kept the tarps from blowing away.  The winds were vicious.

While out, I checked waterers and food, adding to whoever needed.  Anymore, I don't change out waterers, or add food, unless they are close enough to empty to worry about.  Oh, one of the things done, was that the hutch, which had been on the ground, was raised on legs, a table really.  And that was moved to where, hopefully, it won't get so much sun.

I couldn't do much, but helped in small ways.  Holding things to be connected, or other little bits.  The reverse osmosis tank... I will check that soon.  I may have to find my tire pump, and keep that trimmed off.  But it seemed to be flowing much, much better.  It was taking fifteen minutes to get an half gallon of water out.  I am hoping that will be much quicker.  It should hold nearly a gallon, so a fill shouldn't take  more than, say, a minute or two.  Even with good flow, it isn't a race-horse thing.

Ah, but waking.  Right.  Pure agony.  My feet felt like they had been beaten with a belt, top, bottom, and sides.  Why?  Ah... I haven't worn shoes or boots in a while.  There, also, remains some swelling.  I may add one more water pill, try that.  Two water pills?  Yes, but I had been on three.  Even a reduction of one is good.  And, in time, when the heart medicine seems to be working better, I may... again... try to cut it to one pill.

It wasn't just the feet.  That was just the most immediate indication of pain.  As I tried to stand I almost fell.  I knew they hurt, even from getting to a seated position, then kneeling.  Sleeping on the floor... getting up is different, and may depend on mood and day, but you don't just stand.

After the feet were accounted, and I psychically managed that pain, then the lessor pains began.  My hands, somehow, were similarly stressed, but to a smaller degree.  A bit swollen, and hurting from use?  For the moment, my strength in them is greater than their structure supports.  I haven't... used my body for a while.  Using it, even slightly, today, hurt.

Kidneys, as well.  And other internals.  Feeling battered and slightly bruised.  From there, it became a general awareness of pain pretty much... everywhere.  Lighter, than the raw agony of feet and to a lessor degree hands.  But a glow of suffering.  Wonderful.  I may not have won the fight, but I certainly entertained it.

Oh, I woke right at 21:00.  Which doesn't make sense.  I didn't sleep last night, so suspected I would sleep... through the night?  At least until early morning.  It wasn't pain which woke me.  I wasn't aware of that until I was attempting to get to my feet.  It wasn't thirst, or a need to use the restroom.  And I am waking... clear.

I don't quite understand that.  I am not waking tired, or confused, or wanting to go on back to sleep.  I am waking as if I had slept for hours and gotten some actual rest.  Very strange.  If I can get back to sleep in a bit, I will.  Especially being confronted with this level of pain.  I would gladly sleep a few to dozen more hours.

Later.

No sleep.

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A visitor.  To help.  Things which had been piling up.  I... mostly watched.  Helped where I could.  So terribly tired.  My feet are absolutely killing me.  So many things done.

Cardboard boxes... all those broken down, and a few which weren't, taken to recycling.  Grass seed and fertilizer bought and spread on the front lawn.  The reverse osmosis tank aired up, or given the first shot.  As well as a few other things.  Memory is failing.

Very good things.  Oh, and I did chores first thing, before anything else.

Hopefully I will figure out the house now.  Trash, dishes, laundry... the place isn't seeming so keen.  Even a few things at a time, one thing a day.

My feet feel blistered.  I am so very tired.  Sleep, shortly, now really.

Good night.  Brutal suffering, but... okay for the price.

They don't understand.

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Oh... I get that.  I didn't understand, once, at once, and more.

We all want to be right.  And, should we live in grace, we can live well... or even not such as me but... yet... live well even in our limits.  We may even live so well we may wish to require others to live rightly.  It... seems reasonable.  It... isn't.  Until He kills the mercy, mercy is required.

Mercy, patients, and other things.  Beyond us?  Such is living in a world of sin, especially if we reject this world.  Then again, if we reject this world as even Christ did, this is not his kingdom.  If it were?  If it were, there are none who could have kept His people from stopping His crucifixion.  He said it Himself.

Days...

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Hungry.  Wanted to eat.  Couldn't... figure out how to eat.  Fed the ducks.  Fed the rabbits.  Fed the girls.  No food for Doom.  Wanted to eat.  Dishes.  In the way.  And... what to eat.  A small container of fruit here.  A can of sardines there.  Mostly tea, sometimes with lemon juice.  Sometimes water.  Milk once in a while.

Hungry.  Just... not THAT hungry.

Finally, tonight.  Not keto.  A can of chili, a can of beans, heated with the old burger.  It seems good enough.  I have enough 'sauce' left that I can use the rest of the burger.  Burger?  It's part turkey, pork, and beef... all ground, then fried together.  Saves a bit on calories.  Has a mixture of flavors.

When heated, I added cheese and sour cream.  It was delicious.  Then again, I think, at this point, ground shoe leather might have tasted wonderful if ground well enough and put with enough other tasty stuff.  Oh, I will add a few cans of tomato... some pureed, some diced, maybe another stewed.

Too full now to even stand.  So... it will be done later.  I doubt if I had half a pound of food.  But, when you haven't eaten well in a while, it doesn't take much.  Yes, I will get the rest of that together, then back in the fridge.  Then get a shower, and put dishes in to be soaked.  If I am lucky, I may finish those yet tonight?  Or hit the counters?  Both?  Doubtful as to both.  After the shower?  Ah, laundry.  A single load, to be hung out tomorrow.

I may attempt to track down the bicycle tire pump.  That is what I need for the reverse osmosis tank.  If this tank is shot, I have another somewhere.

I am hoping, this week, to get back to work.  Even if for a day, or two.  Blood pressure is still rather high.  Usually lower in the evening, but at 164/110 with an 88 pulse, it's... not very good.  Three weeks on meds, two weeks on what I can handle... if just.  I am down to one water pill, if perhaps another may be needed.  Fluid intake is controlled, salt is managed, sugar is out of my diet completely... or as completely as humanly possible.

Yes, a few things tonight.  Then perhaps right on to bed a lot earlier than usual.  An alarm?  Will try.  Ugh.  I best get going if I want to crash in time to... try being up tomorrow.  A warmer day helps.  Today was up to 62~64, or so.  With the windows open, it was ~66 to 68 in here.  Nice.  Later, or good night.

Pain is light and airy!

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Bits of it here, some of it there, in the oddest of places.  It feels like recovery from a solid fight a few weeks ago.  Someone who doesn't know how to fight, most bullies, don't leave a lasting impression.  A real fighter, even as a kit, would leave the body to suffer recovery for weeks... if the fight got through to a natural settlement.

One thing you learned, was not to fight lightly.  I only fought when all other options had been expended, or if it was thrust upon me.  Then, use absolutely every last ounce of energy and skill to make sure not only that the attacker, but their friends, would think not twice but three times about starting something.  Make it hurt.

Further, even if it hurt, I learned to never let it show.  Neither bodily nor spiritually.  Don't walk with a limp, even if that could be understood.  And never flinch, if aggressed.  Actually just the opposite.  If they try to make you flinch, not only don't flinch but head right at them with intent.  Feign seeing a teacher or other authority at the last moment, perhaps.  But never flinch, even if you really don't want to fight.

So, I have learned to cover my pain.  Showing I was in pain would lead, potentially, to another fight.  They only want to fight when their opponent is weak, ill, especially one who has proven to be devastating.  I ask the neighbors, when I am in great pain, if they can see it.  They can't.

Good thing, these days.  While it is only two for three, it can be very tight.  There are days when I fear any more pain.  Still, if someone aggressed, I would lean into it.  Not to fight, to prevent it.  Which is how, to a degree, I treat medical.  They can't be trusted, always, either with my best care in mind or to not needlessly hurt me.

Chores started.  Ducks out, fed, watered a short bit.  Rabbits fed, to be watered later.  They all have water.  Still, in an hour, I will put out fresh.  And the cats were fed right out of the gate.  It is earlier than I thought, after chores and else, it is not yet 16:00.  I thought it would be 18:00 or so.  Maybe later.

I slept so well and hard.  Waking in confusion.  Medicine is part of it.  

At 62 out there, and a very pleasant temp at that... a kindly warm breeze and sun... I opened up the downstairs.  If I can get upstairs, I will open that up too.  With this going, I am hoping to get trash out, dishes collected, and litter sorted.  I am behind, but could catch up in one fell swoop!  It will tire me, but...

And, soon, I have help arriving.  A stand for the rabbit hutch, the cages given separators and poop shoots, air in the r.o. tank, boxes out... perhaps a few last ones broken down.  Anything else?  That might be it.  If done right, I can begin getting the rabbits to breed.  One time before summer, then not again until fall.  Then, if all works, two or three times during the fall and winter.

I got eggs!  Truly, the best eggs you can get.  I am out of bacon, but... for now... it will do.  I wonder what I could eat with them?  Ah, I could thaw bratwursts, cook those up, and have one per breakfast.  But, what else?  There has to be something else.  With these eggs, I won't boil them.  Too good.  If I want boiled or pickled eggs, I will buy storebought... cage-free is enough.  Organic doesn't add anything.

Hmm, after dishes, I could put another roast through.  I was amazed at how good those turn out.  And how fast that really goes.  And how easy it is to clean.  I would like to get another cooking vessel, or two... if I don't already have them.  I did buy extra rings, because the one I have smells like onion and garlic... wonderful for meats, broths, and savory else, not so good for cheese cakes or other desserts.

Well?  Blathering.  Light pains, works already done, and a plan for more... after a bit of a fall... and, yeah, I... get excited.  Life begins anew.  Later.

They turned off the AI?

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Or are have they started rolling up the interwebs by 17:00?  

Things have certainly changed.  

Even so, someone got through.  A web of... thoughts.