Surprised.

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I had a two pack of thin steaks.  I used one... three days ago?  Four?  Then had another steak, but only ate half, finishing it the following day.  Did I go a day without food in there?  Maybe.  You'd be surprised how easy that is on the carnivore food plan.  Sometimes I literally just forget to eat.  It just never crosses my mind.  Or... I don't want to cook, or clean, or... anything.  So... I don't.  And it's no skin off my nose, if maybe some weight off the middle?  Sometimes.

Anyway, there was one left in the fridge.  I didn't even wrap open the packaging.  Just put it in the fridge.  If the other steak was further along into the opened package.  But, I didn't think it would be good.  Sniff test, looked it over for... ANYTHING.  Nope, look, touch, and smell told me it was still good.

Fifteen?

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Thousand.  This is, exactly, the 15,000th post.  Just... for your information.  And mine.  I... wasn't paying attention.  I just happened to be looking at the control panel, or whatnot, and noticed 14,999.  Then... noticed what it was about.  Okay.  That's... a lot of posts.  Babbling bs?  Whatever a cave man could have put on his walls, if he had letters, back in the day.  More true than any newspaper.  At least presented as honestly as possible.

Rained all night, off and on.  Was 54, last I looked, so I opened the window beside me.  Slept like a baby.  This morning it started snowing just as I looked out, here.  But in... large clumps, a heavy snow.  And it is down to 31.  The hush that falls over the world when that happens?  Wonderful.

Up a... little longer.

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I was going to go to bed at about 2:30.  Then, I... thought I would... check about something?  And... here it is, 4:30.  Still, earlier than some other recent days?  Right.

I had an okay run.  But no one else is playing this late.  Or no one close enough for the links to work?  But it is an old game.  There is that.

Oh, ouch.

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This game is killing me, perhaps literally.  Though what doesn't kill you?  It doesn't always make you stronger.  Or... any other good thing.  It doesn't even make you wiser.  Then again, stressing, a bit, is probably better than not?  I'm never sure about some things.  Exposure to germs?  Eating questionable food?  Stressing maximally playing a game?  They might be good for you, or bad for you... or it might just... be which time?  Exposure creates resistances, strengths, tolerances.  But can be lethal.  All about dose, and do you really know... what the dose any given time is?  Or even dose compared to your capacities?

Anyway.  But, yes.  I finally found the place and encounter I needed, went online and put out a general invite for coop.  Got a taker.  And made it through, plus suceeded in the thing.  Impossible, I think, to do alone.  Even if you can do it alone, it's... too much stress.

Ugh, stupid game.

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There is supposed to be a way to do smaller side portions of the main areas.  It suggests it can be set up.  But it's looking like just another random generator.  Worse?  It seems to echo itself.  I mean, rather than being greatly different from re-roll to re-roll, it's... nearly the same with only minor differences.

There is just one quest that I entered, without knowing it.  I failed, or part of it.  But after running through the small section portion, so I don't lose the whole game save... in which I am nearly completed, I have not even seen a thing like what I am looking for, and not even a new boss.  I did find one new area, two?  But they were on the same map.  The rest is pretty much just ending up like the one from before.  The boss changes that do happen are bosses I have already beat, dungeons I have already been in.  Ugh.

An ugly beauty.

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Just waking at 14:00... and change.  How much?  I can't say.  I got to some things, but around a quarter after?  Something.  Not sure when I went to bed though.  It was after six.  Ten minutes after, or three hours after, I can't say.  But I would guess a half hour to two hours later, as closer probable times.  Slept well.  But I am achy, from sitting in the chair I realize.  It's... a hard, oak, Amish made, kitchen chair.  Beautiful, solid, but not made for long sits.  Only old fools who can't figure things out end up sitting for twelve to fifteen hours in one, playing a console game.  Double ugh.  I... should... figure something else out.

As to the uly beauty?  It's the day.  Overcast, blustery, rained through the night off and on.  So the snow is mostly gone, but greenery hasn't quite yet come back.  So, it's... that ugly spring/fall looking day.  But, it's 50!  Wind and gusts are UP.  But... at that temp?  I said I would open the house, turn off the furnace, and let it run.  And it is running!  Oh, so needed a bit of a clearing.  Maybe it will pull me out of the lethargy?

Crap..

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I spent all night trying to find an "event", that I just found out is random.  It may or may not be on your playthrough.  No boss, or event, or dungeon, is guaranteed.  There are five or six variations of each, and only, say, two to four might show up.  I was sure I had it, at once.  But I must have rerolled.  I know what the entrace looks like.  So spent all "night" looking for something that just wasn't there.

I did find out that... the maps and such make zero sense.  That getting around is terrible.  It's... a minor flaw, but too, part of how the game works.  It's like complaining about the lever on a lever action rifle, or boobs on... well... you know.  As with those things, generally worth the hastle, so.  :p

I just couldn't sleep.

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Still can't.  Why?  Not sure.  It was like I was too cold and too warm, both at the same time.  Contrary?  In the body of a contrarian?  Go figure.  It didn't feel like illness.  Blood sugar is still too high, and not coming down well.  Or very fast.  Not sure if that is it, or it's something else.  Annoying though.

So, up, playing.  Just sent my secondary 'toon through about... three of four dungeons, bosses, and events.  One I had sorely been trying to find again, but more on my main.  Still, it's nice to have that, and I looked around at the map, hoping it would be similar to my map.  But, no, sadly.  Even the main maps are differently, re-roll of a game to the next.  So I'll just have to clear the area(s), and find the place to go.

That was a excellent steak.

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Fried, in duck fat.  Seared, well, with a bit of crust, and hot, on the outside.  Rare most of the thickness.  I didn't have the patience to salt it for an hour, or set it out.  Even so, that was a fine meal.  I could only eat half, but that's okay.  Food is made for tomorrow.

A bit more gaming.  Solo, with my side 'toon.  I wanted to see just how far I could go using that one.  A boss, that I've had difficulty before, in groups. And a few minor zones, and a few dungeons.  I... didn't stop until later than intended because it was so smooth!  But, both of my 'toons now have some fairly powerful, potentially later game, "traits".  In cooping, with strangers, I've gotten some useful things.  That makes, at least lower level stuff I have been doing, cake.

Quite the gaming.

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Wow.  I haven't ever played coop, or otherwise, with other players.  Mostly.  Perhaps a few times in my life, and rarely good.  But, this is good.  With a player who knows how to play, though too with vocals.  Talking over the game, so we can figure things out.  I was almost at the point where I wasn't going to play.  It's not, at all, a solo game.

As is, my main 'toon is a third the way leveled, and my secondary is about a fifth of the way.  But, that is playing on the lower base tier of difficulty, on the lowest setting.  Not sure I can do much more difficult.  Not sure there is room for more than middling play, that I would enjoy.

13:00?

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Noon thirty?  Some time in there.  It's only a quarter after.  But morning times moves strangely, and I have done a half dozen small chores already. Cleaned out the pan, from the lard.  Found the duck fat, got it out and ready.  Got water heating, coffee ground and then brewed, then doctored it.  Cleared the litter boxes.  And... other things.  Did a pretty good little shot, in short order.  Even put an upcoming appointment where I'll see it, know it coming.  Not bad, for having to crawl out of bed.

Well, and having gone to bed at nearly twenty after five.

Way late.

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It's 5:19, and I'm just about to go down.  Gaming earlier, in coop, then later... often also in coop, on other people's games... in?  In other people's games.  What you play there doesn't transfer, due to... a complicated system for the game.  So, for a bit, I played on my own, but opened it up for other people to join my game.

My side 'toon is rather lower level.  But, I have a few... super weapons?  Sort of.  So, I can all but run a group through.  Some bosses?  Not so much.  But, for the most part, I can do very well.  Solo or in a group, my game or theirs.  I have made it to the end boss in the first area, and to the way to the next zone, for after that.  Ugh.  Quite a thing.

Fried steak.

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Used a bit of lard, to test the "gooder" lard ordered.  It... tasted pretty piggy.  Not so good with steak.  Though it would be good with pork chops and such.  Maybe even chicken... though the flavor might be too strong for that?  The searing was excellent, it's just... the flavor.  Old time pork, back from the 70s'.  I was hoping for a lard with no flavor.  Not sure it is possible to make lard, without that tasted, unless it is hydralized, or otherwise ruined?  I'll... keep looking.

Duck fat should do.  As well, I need to find a source of tallow.  That isn't hydrolized.  Can't trust anything amazon adversts suggest.  It's China's storefront, it's how they work.  Tell the customer yes or no to anything you think will get them to buy.  Claim whatever it takes to move product.  And... that is amazon in a nutshell, for that reason.

Calls, and cold, and pain.

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I was so cold.  Could NOT warm up.  Finally, had to shake the sleep and reset the bed.  That... worked.  But couldn't do it until five?  So shivered all night.  Just couldn't pull myself out of sleep well enough, sooner.  But, at least I did get some warm sleep.

Then the alarms.  My mom called, but it didn't ring through.  Then... other calls.  Podiatry, but they won't see me for an open wound.  That's wound care.  So... back to urgent scheduling for a reschedule.  Other calls?  I... am sure, but I don't know who, or if I answered.  It seemed like having a herd of elephants randomly running through my room, as I was trying to avoid contact, noise, people, places, and things!  GAH!

Later than planned.

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Sometimes I get stuck in the game.  Either trying to do something, or leveling.  It's... an addiction.  Don't even think otherwise.  If parents were to keep their kids from playing, it would be because of the addictive propterties, and patterns that can produce, including making children more prone to other addictive products, items, behaviors.

In my case?  I'm supposed to be dead.  I've been dead.  It... sort of doesn't matter.  If I can do it, and little or nothing else but sleep or die?  Leave me to it.  I break the spell, from time to time.  Sometimes for longer periods.  Just... it's a new game, I have someone who is also laid up, and it is working.

Well, a good day.

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A few calls, setting up appointments with the VA mostly.  But too, my mother called.

She said her phone hasn't been ringing through.  A zero phone.  I am beginning to suspect their numbers are being stolen, and used for robo-calls.  For all we know, that is legally allowed through the bill allowing the program.  That is what it is for.  Your "government" phone isn't yours.  It's the governments, and whatever criminals they run with currently.

Awake, early.

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Didn't get down until after midnight, nearly or even after one?  Some time in there.  Closed the door, didn't let Sassy up.  I think she has been fussing a lot, which has been disturbing my sleep.  I'll give her a three day time-out.  See if she behaves better.  Still, I didn't think I'd be up until later.  

I woke, probably, at eight, eight thirty.  But, tried to bury my head in the sand.  Didn't want to face the world more than needed more sleep.  Though was still a bit weary.  Ever have one of those days, and have a choice?  Still, I couldn't sleep well, or deeply, kept bumping awake.  Wasn't Sassy.  She didn't send out a peep.  Well, until I called to her.

A last bit of gaming.

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Rather than run my "main" ('toon... cartoon... characater) through, I ran a secondary 'toon through.  Leveled that one a bit more.  Learning... where things are?  No.  That is something that changes from run to run, character to character (player), can't be learned.  But, even now, I am finding new traits.  Then again, I think my main only has twenty one, and there is a trophy for finding thirty.  So... yeah.  And I think there are more in the dlc.

No, I just wanted to... practice leveling?  Learn what I can of the game as I was brining a little 'un up, again, with more knowledge.  And having a more relaxed time than I would in a random coop.  Even a good group will eventually just... fall apart.  Can't talk, and wouldn't.  So... never know when that will happen.  It's limited, and somewhat, sometimes, extra stressful.  But fun enough, especially since we can't, or I won't, talk.

Yes, much better.

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He is pretty good at gaming.  Within reason, he can run and gun as good as is needed and then some.  Both of us have had some difficulties with op's... other players.  I suspect a lot of players are very young and/or retarded.  Seriously, mentally impaired.  Though I have met a 'toon or two who is far better than I.  If, as with my friend, they probably have a lot more traits, and more of those leveled to max, plus more armor and weapons.  There are some limits between the divides.

But, yes, we nearly cleared the "earth" section tonight.  Something I was having trouble doing solo, if more around half my level.  Which is why I just kept rerolling and running through.  Just... level grinding.  I'm around the low two hundreds.  The thing is?  This game goes all the way to a thousand skill points.  With... six levels of difficulty?  And, basically, at the easiest setting it is nearly impossible solo.  They say you can solo, but only, and maybe, if you do it my way.  Grind levels for a very long time.  A week?  To get to a point where you can eke through a bit of the game.  Until you hit a difficult point, too difficult.  Then grind through another hundred points, and target those to skills you think might help.

Had to get out.

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Money, from one account to the other.  Then, home, to use the main account to pay... a bill.  They charge $40 for late fees.  People should be in prison for that sort of usury.  But, with the government we have, and it won't matter if it's Trump or Xi at this point, expect higher fees.  Our government has failed, so will charge it's citizens to beyond bankruptcy.  Through corporations, taxation, and inflation.  At this point, it has no choice.  Until the crash.  Since it won't admit it is wrong, and try to fix it.  Just more kicking of the can.  You, by the way, are the can.

Got it, did it, done.  However, I'll have to sort something out.  I should have had more money in there.  I need to look over what happened to my finances.  Something is going really wrong.  I am wondering if utilities, one or the other, or both, charged and end of the year clearing.  To leverage balances.  They used to slide it into the average for the next year, but seem to just hammer it all at once these days.  This government has criminalized most industry, allowing them to out and out harm citizens.  I can only imagine what having a family of four to eight must be like.  It's... not possible.  I don't care how much you make.  And, that is how they want it.  They want to hurt the family, first, the rest as they can.  Your governments and corporations absolutely hate you.

Brutal suffering.

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Heart, lungs, muscles in the upper body, leg wound, neck, headache.  Not everything.  Just a lot of things.  And in such odd and varied ways.  Muscles, bone aches, weariness, and such.  Even one of my ears hurts, sort of inside?  Did I fall down the steps last night and not remember?  I'll take aspirin today.

Then, the VA called to set up two or three things.  And Sassy was having none of me sleeping past eight thirty?  She was fed at midnight, or one.  She shouldn't be that terribly hungry already!  Ugh.  I couldn't find any peace this morning.  So, finally, just got up.  I would have slept four or five more hours if I... thought there would be peace to it.

So tired.

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My heart just hurts.  It's tired.  It aches.  Why?  I... can't say.  I'd like to start eating, again.  And, maybe, tomorrow, I'll get back to it, pull something out to thaw.  A few steaks, for an easy start.  I am sure the burger soup is... needs to be tossed.  And a steak that was in there for a while.  I hate wasting, but some things just can't be eaten.

I worked up a will tonight.  Plans for a funeral.  Rough, just... basic ideas.  The house and owned items are sorted, mostly.  Even Sassy has been given a home, conditionally.  There are four parties to some of the money.  There is enough to give fairly nicely to the various parties.  Burial?  I can say what I want, but that's really for others.  I do want to be buried, not cremated.  In a coffin, in the ground.  For most of my life I was sure I wouldn't want that.  Then... I became Catholic, although right as the church has started to allow cremations.  Now I want the way they used to do it.  At a VA site, unless they can do it locally, affordably.  I have lived here longer than... I have lived in any area in my life.  So I wouldn't mind a local burial, if it's affordable enough.  I might even get a visitor or two, from time to time.

A call, last night?

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So it seemed.  Had to call someone else, another old friend, to get the number.  But I got it, then called.  Spoke with him, may ten fifteen minutes.  Just told him what was going on, asked how he was doing, and such.

The weight loss...  I was probably closer to four hundred when he saw me last?  Or more, but about that.  And I was quite a bit younger, as was he.  He must have been somewhere around my age when I last saw him, give or take ten years?  Can't be positive, but... something like that.

I told him I wasn't talking to my brother, or mom.  And why.  We talked, about those things, and other things.  Yes, we talked.  He gave me some advice I really didn't think I'd take.

Anyway, this morning, as I woke, very late, I realized something.  He has been dead for a long, long time.  The last time I saw him was at the funeral home.  In his casket.  Had to help pull my mother away, she was having fits.  So...  It was... a while before that since we last talked.  I've prayed for the disposition of his soul, still do.

I'm rethinking his advice.  He... might have... more perspective on things.  I don't know where he is, but to be honest?  I think even those in hell... know better now.  Maybe not demons, but humans?  Yeah.  Not saying he is, or isn't.  Just... sayin'.  You know.  At least, that was the impression I got from my visits over there.

I'll take what I can get.  For advice from those on that side, or those I know.  As to whether that was a dream or not?  I... won't even try to speculate.  It... was him.  It was.  Later.

On to bed.

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Awake a bit later than had hoped.  But with a six hour nap, it... makes some sense.  Hopefully sleep will be good, and I can wake earlier?  Will find out.  

Working on my 'toon.  In the game.  But it's a difficult game.  Plus, I have been leveling things that don't help me, mostly, currently.  Coop skills, that don't help personal play.  I am almost done with that.  Then I can begin leveling skills, aka traist, which do help with personal play.

Why?  Because, when playing with others, most of them don't have these skills leveled.  It is good to have someone who does.  And, I have the time.  We'll see how it works out.  Though, to be honest, even when leveling traist which should help with solo play?  It... doesn't really help all that much.  And, despite what they suggest, I think the game cheats against those who level traits.  If not directly, than indirectly.  Bad "rolls", poorer rgn, and such.  It's not as they suggest.  Devs are poor losers.

Sassy was fed well, water reset, littler cleared.  I suspect she'll come up and sleep with me.  She has been enjoying sleeping with me lately.  And I like having her up.  If I end up becoming a papa, I'll have the little ones in from time to time.  Until... they don't want to.  Though... with some time for me and mum.  Sassy is like a daughter I never got to raise.  And I love having her up with me.  A bit nosy, and with some claws... which she uses to... see if I am awake with.  And little troubles.  But?  That's what children do.  For good and ill, these will be loved.

Goodnight.