A humble meal.

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Cabbage, diced as to coleslaw.  Steamed in a pan, with vinegar and water.  After that was mostly done, burger added.  The burger isn't very tasty.  It is a mix of hamburger, turkey burger, and ground pork.  The ground turkey was both very watery and lacking texture.  I won't buy that kind again.  Even the burger was weak.  Sometimes it isn't very good.  This was one of those times.  The pork was fine, but it was only a sixth by weight.

Vinegar was added several times.  That didn't leave much flavor, mostly it kept it from burning... and picked up any flavor from the bottom of the pan, while cleaning the stainless well.  No spices, really.  I just wasn't interested in much.  I may heat it up for a second meal for the day.  That, which cheddar on top, and a bigger glass of kefir.  I haven't eaten anything else, save a smaller glass of kefir earlier.

And, I only ate, perhaps, two thirds of a pound, total?  Well, and a quarter cup of cheese.  I am hungry, of the mind.  Just not so hungry of the body.  All medicine is in.  The rabbits all still have water.  I gave the ducks another splash this afternoon.  And Sam has been out all day.  I have fed and treated the girls several times.

At about 20:00?  Or so.  I closed the house up, turning the furnace to 72.  I just wanted a bit of warmth.  I can turn it off now.  It won't cool fast.  A bit of gaming, a bit more in a bit... after another bite.  Those, this time, I'll add munster slices as a topping.  Love cheeses, some more than other, but can figure out how to make due with slimy, stinky, semi-soft, soft, or hard... I just like the stuff.

Oh?  I could use more of the yogurt, with some fruit.  Plain.  I have been eating it just as such, sometimes with fruit.  I do enjoy.  A quart lasts a goodly long time.  I am hoping to finish it up before it goes.  I best use it in the next three to four days.  Wonderful.  Just... a change... from the local dairy.  One or two of those a month is enough for me.  Too much work to try to make it myself.  That is whyfor kefir.  Love both of them, truly.

A bug got into one of my tea jars.  Yes, had to dump it.  Just those stupid box elder bugs... or some such.  They sneak in while the tea is cooling, drown, then end up in the jar.  The jar isn't open for them to get in otherwise.  I have to wash the jar out after.  It probably was time anyway.  Just one will ruin the tea.  Stupid creatures!

Well, on to a second meal.  Blood sugar is 201... with just that for food, and a dose of insulin?  A larger dose?  Oh well.  I'll dose again, with supper.  Later or good night.

Not a bad morning.

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Morning?  Early afternoon, around 13:30?  I think.  Still, it had to do as a morning.

I woke at 08:30, and almost got out.  I was feeling good.  I didn't seem to be tired.  I just... closed my eyes for... a bit.  And, then it was early afternoon.  Oh, I think I rolled and roiled, tried to stir.  It just, I never got close to fully even truly waking until I did.  Fluttering eyelids, speaking or dreaming of sleep speaking, dreams themselves.  Still, a... pretty good morning.

And I woke without pain.  I didn't have suffering in the near waking state.  I didn't have that when I woke the first time.  I wasn't tired, or exhausted.  I didn't seem to be confused.  The body simply wasn't quite ready to get out of bed.  Which is fair.  I went to bed somewhere between 02:00 and 04:00, if I had to guess.

Why so late though?  I... don't know.  Medicine is doing strange things.  Oh, and I did have a bit of a blood sugar dip.  I... dealt with that, then stayed up a few hours to check on things?  Something like that.  My memory is terrible when such things happen.  I did take up an extra partial pack of tabs.  And I do have a whole other one up there, plus water.  I need to drink while chewing those... pretty dusty.

Ducks are out, rabbits fed and lightly watered.  I mean, all had water still in their waterers, save the mini does.  So I only replaced their water, but fed all.  I will change out waterers fully, later.  I just wanted to make sure they all had some water in order to eat well.  Late, but there was nothing I could do any quicker.

Sam wanted out, with me.  Didn't want to stay out back, with them.  The ducks follow her around, if she stays out and they spot her.  Still, I was pretty sure it was nice enough that she would want out.  So I went out the other back side door, and let her know she could come out.  I then set her up with fresh water, then fed both the girls... one inside, one out.

I did get their litter reset yesterday evening.  It is much better, for me, if Sam is outside.  She pees a LOT!  I think she poos more, too.  She likes being skinny, and her metabolism is set for it.  She probably, somehow, does two thirds of the litter box filling.  So... her being outside, is a win-win.  Still, I check on her, when I need to use the facilities, or get tea, or a snack.  And she loves me for it.  Just to be out with her, for five or ten, does both of us a lot of good.  She then knows she is loved, I get to help a little friend, and... it just works.

Oh... I have been thinking.  Reconsidering.  My mother.  My very troubling mother.  She, yet, is... my mother.  I have no real reason to deny her.  Well, no, I take that back.  I have solid reasons to deny her.  As she had with me.  I am considering... trying to figure out a way to have her here.  She will cry.  She won't get her way.  But we will both have someone around, a little help, and such.

Yes.  Of course, that doesn't mean she even wants to be here.  I do not know if this was a conversation between my brother and her, or just something my brother considered.  She may well never even have considered living here, with me.  And... lots would have to be sorted.  Still?  I... am thinking on it.

It could work out.  Not as either of us exactly intends.  And there are limits.  But I think, with my cooking, and maybe cleaning, plus her strong points, we could figure a way to get by.  Maybe.  She did this with her father.  I do not forget this.  That with a pile of children and a job.  I met and loved my grandfather for this.  A debt for a debt, on top of debt.  Thinking... anyway.

No pain, no confusion, if not a lot of energy.  A call, some gaming, perhaps food in a bit.  Nothing fancy, but I am hoping to begin catching up in the house.  Dishes, trash and recycling, and a shower.  Maybe a load of laundry.  No push, no huge thing, just small bits, one at a time.  Perhaps begin regaining the life I had until medicine started again.  Yes indeed, and amen.  Later.

An odd and ugly day.

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Medicines all taken.  A couple of meals.  A dose of insulin, if it had more of a reaction than wanted.  Awake too late, but to bed shortly.  I didn't realize it was getting so late.  Started feel awful, so checked blood sugar.  At 78 it isn't really bad.  but I got the feeling it was still dropping, and quickly.

Carb tabs.  No choice.  Now I will go on to bed.  I think I have a roll of them upstairs, if I wake with the shakes or such.  I don't want to have to come down to get more.  Hmm, I'll probably take one of the rolls from down here up.  Just in case.  Brutal.

I have been feeling a bit ill all day.  Tired.  A bit confused.  I have been eating good keto.  And rather little food.  I have even been keeping my tea consumption to a minimum.  Something is off, though.  As before, it is like a minor stomach flu?  The exhaustion is medicine, the illness?  Probably just an illness, if a light one.  The flu?  Not the cooflu.  Maybe just a certain type of cold even.  Not terrible, just a bad add to starting medicine.

I'll trudge on through.  Good night.

So very tired.

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Friday?  The days have been flying.  I don't remember them passing.  Medicine, and the cool weather, have really done something to memory and focus.  I still want to believe medicine has been added.  Of course, that is unlikely.  It isn't impossible, just unlikely.

At best, I have lost one day. At worse, I have lost two day.  But it really doesn't make sense.  I have been checking every day.  My medicine is right here beside where I sit most of the day.  I have been drinking tea, and each time I drink tea, or get up to go get tea, there is a very good chance I check medicine.  By noon, if morning medicine isn't gone, I definitely take it.

Tired, sure.  But not that tired?  Even today, one of the worst days I remember, I have taken morning medicine already.  Very strange.  I'll keep at it, in any case.

A couple of doses of kefir.  Nothing fancy, not a lot.  No fruit or sweetners.  The new insulin is definitely fresher.  It is taken into the syringe much more easily.  The old stuff was having difficulty getting in.  Oh, and last night, after my last food and a dose, blood sugar was down to 146.  So, it's working.  I haven't checked or dosed today.

At 233... it is better than the lower to mid 300's.  Very odd that it is so high.  Then again, it was just one dose which brought it down to 146 yesterday.  I may have munster cheese slices, and a couple of ounces of nuts, with a higher dose of insulin... see where that gets me in a few hours.

It is only 50 out there, last I looked.  I won't open the house up, at that temp, currently.  It just isn't warm enough.  Though, some days, 50 is warmer than other 50 degree days.  Humidity, wind, and how much sun is and has been out all add to a strange variation which throws the number out the window.  As well, to a degree, whether medically, psychologically, or else... the perception of the temperature isn't purely... scientific.  It can't be nailed down, for there is some subjectivity involved.  And the objective isn't... as easy to nail down as it might seem.  It reads at 65 F in here, with 32% humidity.  But it feels... rather chill.

Hmm, yes, some food.  And a dose of insulin.  As well, I might as well take medicine for tonight.  Later.

Odd, terrible, wonderful?

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I didn't get to bed until after midnight?  Yes, twenty after, plus small change.  Small change?  That would be minutes.  Plus, minus, plus or minus?  Before, after, or before or after.  So, plus small change?  That means... the time given... twenty after midnight... plus... after... and small change means less than ten minutes... so 00:20 +1 to +9 minutes.  Just... in case you weren't sure.

Anyway.  Not sure why it was so late before I could sleep.  I was tired all yesterday.  I think I napped.  It didn't seem to matter.  It helped, for a bit, but not as much as it should have.  I kept the 08:00 alarm on.  I remember it going off, and turning it off thinking I would be getting up.  Nope.

Still, it is just at 09:11, and I have done some of my morning regulars, including releasing the quackings and feeding them.  Oh, and a kefir first thing.  Plain, if well mixed.  A fork actually is the best way to mix kefir.  Anyway, it is an early start given the late sleep.  Well, and the night happenings.

I ended up having my right foot, ankle, and calf convulse.  Cramp.  It took an half hour of working with it, with a scream just under my breath most of the time.  All of my efforts failed until I was able to force my weight on it.  Though standing was not enough.  I ended up having to walk on it.  So I went to the bathroom downstairs, just to give it a workout.  Oh, my, that is the worst cramping I have probably ever had.  Strangely, all good this morning.  Oh... a... bit of soreness, but nothing like I would have thought.  That is the type of cramping which could break bone... if one didn't have strong bones.

It is reading 38 this morning?  I thought that is what it read.  But it must have not just been colder, but much colder.  The duck pool was iced over, a quarter inch thick of ice.  A seriously cold spell might have just gone through, though.  Perhaps that is what caused the cramp?  A leg out when temperature dropped?  Maybe, but the leg wasn't actually cold.  As I remember it, but that could be fuzzy memory.  And I had warm wool socks on.

Today?  Hopefully more than lately.  It still seems like I have missed a few days of medicine.  I don't know how that is possible!  It looks, today, as if I lost even another day of taking medicine.  Yet, to my mind, I am absolutely sure I have been taking medicine daily, regularly.  I check it every time I turn around, through the day.  If I didn't know better, I would think someone was adding medicine back in.  Actually... that is what I think.  This isn't paranoia, it's the only option that makes sense.  Weird, but that is my story and I am sticking to it.  Later.

No supper.

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I am hungry.  Physically, if strangely.  I did have several mugs of soup, with veggies, chicken, and brats.  Wait... I have two brats already cooked.  I had hoped to add them to something else?  No, to slice them and add them to pickled eggs.  I... have others, I could cook, when I get to that point.  I could nuke these and eat these now.  I am hungry.  Kefir and bratwursts should do.  It won't take much to fill me.

Feeling slightly better.  An headache and neck pains.  Slight stomach issues.  But the other pains seem to be gone.  Mostly.  Not feeling well though.  Oh, I don't think I missed a day.  I think I simply was counting Sunday as Monday?  I was just off.  I do think I have taken medicine correctly.  Good thing I didn't try to take "today's" pills.

I do wonder if the medicine is the problem, though.  I think so.  It is difficult to start up.  More so since I have only give the lower dose of the more difficult medicine and the same for the full dose of the other medicines.  Usually that isn't a problem.  It seems to be this time.  A week to a month should see me back in shape, if it doesn't heat up too fast out there.

I haven't gotten the waterers set up.  I wasn't able to nap, either.  Sleep, shortly, after food.  Oh, and the ducks need to be shut in.  That and a bite of food, plus a dose of insulin.  It just isn't working.  A new vial.  Yea, it's probably two to three months old.  I... lose track.  Good night.

Gaming.

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I couldn't sleep.  Aches and illness persist.  The house is closed up.  Ducks will be shut in shortly.  I'm not sure what else to do.  I did eat, so dosed with insulin.  It... didn't do much.  I gave it a larger dose.  Perhaps I am using an old vial?  Hmm, definitely, I believe.  Fresh.  But... a smaller dose.  If I can get something to eat to go down with it.  Dosing on an empty stomach is an opportunity for disaster.

Yes, something is wrong.  Not just with me.  With the world.  Everyone is trying to game a system which has nothing left to offer.  When they can't steal, they are trying to use brute force with rules and laws.  When they think they can't escape what is coming this way, they try that way... or to create distractions.  I don't think it will work.

No one is all that interested.  Most people are watching.  No choice.  Too busy sitting at home, or working a job that isn't a good one.  Watching, very closely.  Some of us will be easy to pick off.  It will be very noticed.  I don't even think many will mind.  Good riddance.  But, they don't want to be next.

Oh, it was already getting worse before I realized I was going down.  I lost a whole day in there somewhere.  I have been doing my best to keep up on medication.  Attempting to take it absolutely flawlessly.  Giving the effort every bit of energy and focus I have.  And I missed a whole day.  I am not sure which day, or even... how.  I'll continue doing my best.  But this stuff is potent.

We will see, I guess.  Later.

Getting worse.

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Something is just wrong.  Wronger.  Feverishness, stomach flu type of things happening, aches, pains, exhaustion.  My organs are still a bit rough, but not as bad as they were.  It's more that all of them hurt, all at once, now.  Less pain per, more pain sum total.

I want to do things.  I need sleep.  Not sure what to do.  I had things planned, business, medical, legal... around the house.  Can't.  I thought I might even play games.  I... I can't.  I am going to nap.  See if that helps.  My feet are far too cold, but my thighs up are warm to fevered.

I'll take medicine and vitamins, in case I end up sleeping very late and long.  Then just... oh, best let Sam in.  It has to be cooling out there.  Ducks and rabbits are good, for now.  Hmm, best feed the girls, too, before going on to nap, or bed.  Well, and shut the house down, plus turn the furnace on... at least to 66.  With the furnace off, and windows open, in the front room here it is reading 69.  Yes, 66 would offer a margin, in case it all fails and drops.  It... might come through, cold... snow... rain... freezing rain... who knows.  It isn't a nice spring even yet.

Later.

Soup, finally.

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I am still in bad condition.  Beyond the pains, there is something just wrong.  Green about the gills is how it might well be referred.  Just... ill.

It did warm to 60 outside.  Sam wanted out, so out she went.  As well, I opened the house, turning the furnace off.  The thermometer in here reads at 70?  Right, well, it does that when it gets warm out there.  Without the branch over the house, it will get very hot in here.  I'll... have to figure that out.

The soup was just so-so.  But it was warm.  Even at 70, I feel cool to cold.  The soup helped.  As to general feeling?  I think it is better.  A nap earlier was good.  I may need to take another.  I am also going without sweetener, even though it is usually not a problem for diabetes.  Sometimes it is.  That is all I can think might cause blood sugar to be so high.

I need, eventually, to clean the house back up.  I had it in really good shape, but then... these last few days... I have gone downhill.  I just can't do it today.  Tomorrow?  Or maybe later, after a nap?  Having the windows open may help.  The last nap was short.  Perhaps this one will be as well.  Even just a bit of work would be good.  Trash and recycling out, dishes washed, waterers bleached, rinsed, and filled.  Gotta do waterers.  Nothing to spare tomorrow.

I had the house in... reasonable shape.  It is deteriorating.  I... I'll fight to get it back, even if it is slow.  I think I can.  Later.

More hurts.

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Never sure why.  I am feeling more awake.  Perhaps that makes me more aware.

Kidneys, liver, and the front of my stomach, just below the ribcage.  It feels like an older bruising, a few days ago perhaps.  As if hit by a two by four, a solid flat strike.  And achy shoulder blades, from tensing up from the pain over a few days.  It could be much worse.  It could be much better.

I need to get going.  I simply can't get going.  I have to fill waterers.  Couldn't do so for the last few days.  Something is very off.  I had to use spare backup waterers.  Every critter, save me, has been fed.  I am, at least, drinking tea.  Eating so little that I am not dosing blood sugar, yet blood sugar is in the 300's.  I don't exactly get it.  Bone broth soup last night, with few vegetables, cauliflower and broccoli, about a cup total.  The rest was mostly broth, with about a cup of meat.  Not sure I ate other food yesterday?  Maybe three eggs and three slices of bacon (or the equivalent)?  

That, tea, and several doses of kefir as well?  I wonder if kefir is higher in carbs than thought?  It shouldn't be.  More, I generally drink it much more sour than fresh, just leaving the kefir grains in for a day or two after it is fully kefir'ed.  It continues to ferment in the refrigerator for several days.  Shouldn't have any carbs, less than what most kefir has to be sure.

Odd.  Neck and shoulders are a bit out too.  Is another storm brewing?  The sun was out for a bit, but seems to have gone back behind clouds.  Rain, snow, cold, back on the way?  Something is very off.  I don't think the reset is... a choice.  I really wonder how many Chinese, Vietnamese, and other asians are dead and dying, and at what pace.

There is only one reason production has stopped.  People are dying in droves.  Is the shot an attempt, or the same thing, that is accelerating that?  Or a genuine but flawed attempt to stop it?  Imagine if that were true.  Whether intentional, at least over there, or not.  If that is what happened there, and they brought it here in order to create balance... once the deed was done?  Or if mass deaths were planned all along.

Imagine being one of the few who wasn't vaccinated, so dying.  It might seem like a... good thing.  You live.  Survive.  But, then you realize almost everything you depend on, from electricity to food, suddenly becomes diy.  Oh, sure, plenty of cattle.  Lots of livestock.  Even lots of gasoline and else, for a while.  Until some of that scatters, dies in pens, or goes bad such as gasoline.

I am sure there would be areas, created and developed, for the survival of certain groups.  But... you wouldn't be welcome.  You would most likely be shot on sight.  Though, to be honest, those places might not be nearly as good as they seem.  The reason education was being dumbed down, was so that those chosen would be more likely to just do what they were told, not think or act in a way which is right, good, true.

Doubtful?  Every future possibility is dubious.  There can only be one future.  But it is neither impossible, or even unlikely.  It is merely not proven or disproven at this point.  What would I do if I woke up and most of the population was gone?  I'd really have to think things through.  I would attempt to figure things out with remnants.  Can't do it alone.

Then again, so many have been taught to not work with others that it would be a major learning curve.  Still?  I'd rather have a difficult learning curve than an impossible task.  Either work or lead, teach what is known, learn what is possible, and figure things out.  There are many resources, but there would be others seeking those resources.  How many resources and how steep the competition would depend on how bad the depopulation.  At 90% or more?  Competition wouldn't be quite so bad.  Depending on the demographics targeted.  As well, of those living, was sterilization an aspect of it?  If so, how much of the remaining 10% would... remain in short order?

Just... thinking.  Of course you don't believe.  Less so if you have had the jab.  Still, I do wonder.  Time will tell.  But something is very wrong 'over there'.  For all the hype about the world being back on track, or heading that way?  The weather is not tracking with that.  Nor are the drops in supply chains, retail markets, or... anything else.  Something is very wrong.

I'm not worried about the world.  It will sort itself out.  I am worried about people.  Time will tell.  But I am telling you now, something is very wrong.

After a nap.

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Kidneys kicked in.  Got cold, tired.  I couldn't finish chores, or anything else.  I had to sleep.  So I did.  I am not sure when I went down.  I know it is almost a quarter after noon.  I did get the girls fed and rabbits fed, when I woke a bit ago.  Kidneys hurt now.  Liver is okay.  I'm almost guess the lower back pain was the kidneys.  I just couldn't tell right away, early on.

It has warmed a bit.  Maybe that will help?  Even with the nap, I feel very tired.  It must be the cold.  It was a cold nap.  I did what I could to warm up, extra pj layers, warm socks, tucking in as well as possible.  It just didn't matter.  I am not sure if the cold is environmental or health... or more one or the other.

Still hungry.  Still not really able to get at food.  Hmm, soup.  I could get to that.  One batch left, anyway.  I may have enough beef bones for another shot.  And a week of soup will do well.  If I can get back to town, perhaps enough bones for a couple of weeks, put up in the freezer, will see to the month.  It beats bologna and hot dogs.  Can't have bread or buns either, anyway.  Even keto breads have to be a rarer thing, not a daily thing... assuming I could make some that are tasty.  I haven't gotten that recently.  Perhaps with fresher ingredients?

Eggs and bacon sounds best.  Just a bit tired.  Being on my feet will be a trick.  Soup, though.  And, perhaps, it will get me going so as to be on my feet later.  Warm me up too.  On to waking back up.  Then I'll get soup going in a bit.  I need a shower, eventually.  Later.  

So very tired.

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I have to get to chores.  I don't think I can do it all at once.  I can let the ducks out, feed them, then take a break.  Getting the rabbits and cats shortly thereafter.  So tired, could sleep right now.  I best get going or I may not have a choice.  Time is ticking down.

I'm not feeling better, or worse.  I have simply become numb through exhaustion.  Things hurt in there, I can tell.  I just can't really feel, I just know.  It does hurt, but as if from a distance.  I am simply not connected with my flesh.  Such an odd thing.  It's the same as it was, the liver really, and lower back.  Rather than causing pain, as a direct thing, the pain causes me to be tired.  Have you ever been hurt enough that it just makes you tired?  There you go.

Ducks, out and fed.  Then a break.  Then on to the rabbits.  I keep meaning to do a thorough cleaning of the waterers.  I do clean them, but I mean a bleaching, then rinsing, then resetting.  Once a month is the goal.  I begin pondering it after two weeks.  I am in the middle of the third week.  Still, want it done early.  Earlier.  Perhaps today, hopefully by the weekend.  If I can.

Hungry, if more in thought?  Too tired, though, to do much about it.  Perhaps it is real hunger.  Perhaps it is just knowing I should eat.  Either way, right now, not much I can do about it.  Eggs and bacon actually sounds pretty good.  Though soup wouldn't be bad.  I finished beef stew last night.  I do have another day portion of chicken soup.  And veggies to add.  Oh... I have baby carrot and celery sticks.  Not perfect, but it would be something in.

Ducks, a bite, then... the rest of chores followed by a nap?  Maybe.  Later.

Medicines, full start.

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Yesterday.  Since it looks like I have done what I may with lawyers, there was no reason not to begin medicine and take whatever beating that will present.  Yesterday was the first day.  A full day, and full doses.  My butt sits heavy in the seat, not much I can do.  Work is at an end.  Just getting chores is a bear, beats me up.

On the good side, pain hasn't flared.  It had been my feet, and kidneys.  Those are... better.  My liver and lower back are rough this morning, but lightly.  On top of the aching most of the night, from the liver, I then dreamed.  In the dream, I was stabbed many times in the liver area.

It... wasn't my dream.  Further, I am pretty sure if a dream, it was based on real life.  Recent?  I... don't think so.  Well, years ago anyway.  He survived, but even now isn't in great shape... just... not dead.  He wasn't even a bad guy, or really any more a party to the stabbing then being the recipient.  The guy that stabbed him was... loose...  Considered the victim a right target, but was incorrect.  Neither had he done anything wrong, he wasn't the guy he thought he was, and even that guy hadn't done anything wrong.  Drugs mess people up.

Oddly, the dream fit with the pain, if after most physical healing that can take place has taken place.  Yeah, my organs hurt sometimes.  A lot.  Oh... I will have to remember to pray for him.  I... may not know his name, but I am sure he is real.  And I know he hurts, to this day.  And I think prayer would do him some good.

I didn't go to bed until 23:30.  So I didn't expect to be up early.  Right at 06:00, maybe fifteen after?  Awake, and fairly well.  Other than the liver problem.  But that is fading here as, I think, there.  It's more a memory for him, a thing I go through... with various organs... as I wake.  Or... sometimes, during the day, just because.

I can hope to do a few things today.  Chores, first.  When I can.  Not until sunrise, and then some.  Oh, it is 27 F out there, with just a sliver of a moon on the eastern mountain ridges.  It... doesn't seem cold?  It reads 61 F in here, the computer room.  Odd, how some days I can be freezing at such temps, in and out.  Then the next day I am as fine as a fiddle with the frigid and cold.  Actually, I am a bit too warm?  Bah!

Still, it is a start.  I may nap later, if needed, possible.  I quick prayer, for general purposes, and for that man.  On the good side, I believe he has gone beyond his pain and anger and such.  He... now just lives, as he may.  Even though he still suffers.  I don't know how I see such things.  I just know I am... pleased with... him... and other I see.  Real?  I think so.  I tried to not believe, but... yes, I think they are real.  Sometimes I can pray for them, right there.  Not this time, he... this is private for him.  So... I'll pray from a distance.

Later.

So very tired.

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I had hoped to get to a few things.  I just can't.  I did warm up some of the 'kraut and sausage left from yesterday, poured kefir.  Hoped that might help.  Nope.  It was 55 F outside, last time I looked.  I had the furnace up to 68.  I was initially warm enough but have become cold.

I want to sleep.  May.  I would like to fry a few eggs, bacon too.  But, no.  I... just can't stand.  So very tired, cold, weary.  Hurt?  Not on the surface.  Down below, pain returns.  When it is deeper in, not easily felt, it goes more to weariness or sleepiness.  Parts of the body shut down, so I don't feel them.  That somehow makes me tired.

Oh... music that showed... probably from... what was read yesterday.  I don't know what all he read, I do know... he read some things and didn't want to read what was read.  One part he read regarded the stigmata... problem... I once had.  I think she was an atheist.  She... saw the wounds.  But turned her head and would not look.  I even left it open, that they might be some... part... from a bad heart, or kidney failure, or... she... just stopped looking and would look no more.  She only said there is no medical cause of which she was aware.  While devotedly avoiding looking until I removed the wounds from her sight.

I only remember the conversation.  I have no idea what she wrote about this conversation, if anything.  Since it wasn't, to her mind, medical.  And because she has no faith and doesn't believe in... that which isn't "scientific", she may well have written nothing.  They fear far more than they accuse us of fearing.  Far more.

What else could he have read in there.  She wrote rather plainly, usually.  Using abbreviations and such, but usually saving what was in there already...  sort of like commenting, say, on heart failure, but then referring to it as h.f.  Though did all of them do that?  Some things, to, from back in 2013.  Since that wouldn't have been a part of what was sent to ssa, it must have been things she looked up?  

What did he read.  He didn't... like what he read.  He didn't discuss much of what he read.  He saw the heart and some other problems.  Even as a lawyer, if especially one who works with disabilities, seeing some of the things would show that I really shouldn't be alive.  That doesn't matter though.  There are other things in there, things he spoke about, must mostly things he didn't.  He... was... surprised.  He was upset.  He wanted nothing to do with what was in there, or me.

And... music.  Showing up.  Posts being visited, old songs popping.  A new one, two?  Someone is looking.  I... suspect who.  Play?  Sure, some.  Later.

That was good.

.

.

I usually take two hours to wake.  Today, I just wasn't sure.

Here it is, just about noon, a minute before, and I finished chores.  I started about a quarter to and just finished.  Waterers need cleaned and filled, but that isn't always done with chores.  If I can just muscle through, I do.  I can't, not today.  But I did all of the chores in one shot.

Still, I am completely bushed.  As I was coming in with the buckets and mostly empty waterers, my heart hurt, my lungs were deprived, and I had to sit.  All good though.  I will slightly bleach the waterers, inside and out.  Then refill them with clean fresh water.  Given overnight, the chlorine will have evaporated.  I did water the girls, too.  I need to feed them shortly as well.  Just... so much at once.

Looking at my files, from years ago, I see ptsd is actually listed.  I thought they called it... something else... ptsd, but without a known cause, or some such.  I guess they decided that looked... silly.  Better to not list a cause than to suggest someone has something but for no reason?  Oh, and they don't have kidney failure listed.  Last I heard it was class four.  No suggestion of dialysis, if they... have stopped offering things?

The lawyer suggested that if I can get that, plus the other problems combined, maybe they might listen.  But probably not, then again, since I don't seek treatment.  It doesn't matter if the treatments, as a lone man, would be impossible for me to tend.  They don't care, one way or the other, so long as you are being, even if improbably, treated for your illnesses.

Oh, today?  I will call.  See about setting up testing.  I don't know what level my heart function is, or kidneys currently.  Or... a few other things.  At least getting those tested would give me some understanding... assuming those functions are still available at the hospital.  Though, a mask?  All day?  I can barely breath, currently, after chores.  All day, with a mask on?  Still, I will call this afternoon.

With as many problems, symptoms, and issues listed, they really should be able to do disability.  Any one?  Maybe not.  But when you have four or five disabling illnesses, all at or near being singularly disabling, this shouldn't be an issue.  Not sure why the lawyer turned down the case though.  It makes me believe it is political, and something is put to let them know to leave it alone.  He was... surprised... about some things.  But this isn't his gig, he won't face whatever it is I face, not with me.

Anyway... a bit of time to catch my breath.  Kefir, while I do so?  When I can stand again.  As well, I will feed the girls.  I'd also like to sort their litter, but... I... don't know.  So tired.  Small bits of work at a time.  I just can't do much right now.  The heart is tired, sore.  Lungs are just not working well.  Ugh.  I'd sleep if I thought I could.  Later. 

Not even 11:00?

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.

I have been gently rolling to waking up for... several hours.  I didn't want to look at the time.  Given the very late time I finally was able to tuck into sleep, I supposed it to be early to late afternoon.  And warm, warmer.  When I tucked in I was still chill, but with the right socks and arranging of blankets, I was too warm when I woke.  It was 62, so one degree warmer?

One kidney hurts, just a bit.  My lungs are just a bit blocked, but not as raspy as they have been.  A few other things are wrong, but all lightly.  I suspect most of these pains and body grumps will dissipate.  I am more hoping for focus and energy though, to try to get back to work.

Trash and recycling out.  Not much of either, but it has been a few days.  Cleaning in the bathroom would be my next priority.  And, if I have more energy, bringing a few boxes, or what is left, up from downstairs.  I doubt if I could get to breaking those down today, but maybe tomorrow.  Or... this week.

I have worked well.  But it looks like that pace is gone.  If I can work two to four hours every three to four days, now, whenever that is possible, that is as good as it gets.  That will include dishes, personal care, and cooking, so work... looks to be on the low side.  Perhaps, in time, I will get another... wind.  I loved working hard, when I could.  More, I liked what was being done.

So strange to be up so early though, given the givens.  And in relatively good shape, save minor grumps and bumps.  I expected I would be late and in very bad shape.  Hmm... what to eat?  Kefir, shortly, a straight up larger shot of the stuff, two cups... and that will be breakfast.  If I need to eat more, or when I should eat again, eggs and bacon.  Beef stew for tonight... with a few veggies since I have them.

Oh, and chores... soon... when I can wake.  Later.

Can't warm, or become sleepy.

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.

So, I look around.  I have added extra clothing.  It isn't helping.  Extra footwear.  It just isn't working.  Tired, but not sleepy?  Or, if sleepy, not enough?

I have been looking around.  I don't like looking at other people's "near-death" experiences.  Sometimes, though, curiosity can get to me.  Much seems different.  Others remember floating there, where they died.  Others see a light.  I was just... elsewhere.  I didn't even die quickly, the time I remember more... than darkness.  It took about six hours, once I arrived at the hospital, then was helicoptered to another hospital... a two hour flight, or so.  All told, twelve hours to die.  A terrible, painful, death.

One thing very common is realizing what is happening.  And, regardless how that came to happen, not wanting to die.  So strange how death happens.  I thought, every time, that I would be able to stop it, somehow.  To... get a grip, to hold on as if life were an object.  If it is like an object, it is like a fish, one which cannot be held.

For me, death hurt.  Every time.  It physically hurt, if the pain echoed away... sort of as the body and mind separated?  As I remember it now.  Or was it even a physical pain?  I can't honestly be certain.  But there was a weird pain.  Not like any other pain I have ever known.  And, honestly, not the most severe of pains.  But the pain hurt my feelings too.  It was embarrassing, like losing that fish suggested before, but a fish that was supposed to feed family and friends?

I wasn't aware of what was happening with my body, or around me.  Every time I died, I was somewhere else so fast.  Either in darkness, or there, that place, where I was with a few others, where the fire was, in a blueish form.  Electric blue.  No pain, or thirst, or hunger, or... it was a very good place.  That was the first time, since becoming ill, I didn't have to think about breathing, or the pain.  These last few weeks have been almost that good.  I still have to breath, there I didn't.  My body still must work to live, there that wasn't the case.  I still need sleep, food, water, and think about women.   None of that was needed or a difficulty there.

Only there five and an half minutes?  True.  But that is a very long time outside of time.  It was wonderful, except that I knew... where I had to go next.  Fire.  If I am ever faced with that, hopefully not again, not this time, but if so?  I will, at first opportunity, rush into that fire.  And be thankful for the opportunity.

It always makes me cry to think about it.  The emotions involved are convoluted.  While I am pleased for an opportunity at better choices, and doing my best to know God better, I was so very close.  And, aside from going through the fire, it was so... comfortable.  For moments.  Seeing the fire, feeling it, couldn't get too comfortable.  But... when I could think of other for a moment, it was so pleasant to be pain and need free.

Anyway... I couldn't escape the thoughts while watching another.  Of course, it might well be oxygen deprivation.  The thing is, if it was, I am just as grateful either way.  As mentioned, even if I became certain God was merely a psychological attempt at easing the way to life into death?  His way is so perfect that I would still abide His way.  I would do His will, even without reward.

Enough for now.  Later, or good night.  Amen.

No dice on sleep.

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I was freezing up there.  The thermometer reads 61, which is warm.  A week or two ago, that was too warm for me to sleep comfortably.  Tonight?  My feet were freezing.  Even my body.  I can usually put my feet together, and that will get them warm enough, especially with two blankets on them.  I had four, or five?  And had them snuggled as well as possible.  They simply would not warm up.  It was so cold they hurt.  I even put on a cap, hoping that would help with warmth.  No good.

Well, and from swelling lately, the tops of them hurt.  I wore boots I shouldn't have worn today.  Odd though, my feet look slim.  I am not sure why they still feel like they are swollen.  Not just the tops of my feet, all the way up to my knees, whether wearing compression or just wool socks.  Odd.

I felt no pain for the last three weeks.  Or... little, minor, only rarely.  As pain is returning I am feeling it all, I suspect.  Does medicine cause the pain?  No, no it doesn't, or similar to what I know off medicine.  It is being painless that was different.  I really wondered if that meant I was going to die.  Being painfree for a week is... unusual in almost a spooky way.  It is like having a forest go quiet around you.  So three weeks was very... frightening in a way.  Peculiar.  Pleasing, but so very... strange.

The pain hasn't all returned.  Just... odd little bits.  And it isn't as harsh as it has been, usually is.  But the cold and the hurting of the feet otherwise are enough to keep me awake.  I turned the furnace up, when I came down.  I have to have some warmth.  I need to warm up, then hopefully get to bed.

But... that wasn't the only thing.  I looked around in nearby states.  Rents, in their cheaper areas, run more than my house payment?  How is that even possible?  It seems, almost, as if I am stuck where I am.  I will have to get rid of the animals, save the cats, if I stay.  Do I even have a choice?  Perhaps someone would take them, the livestock?  Probably not the rabbits, unfortunately.  They are edible, if a bit older now.  I just... don't know.

The trick would be getting a new furnace and air conditioner.  Which... might require new wiring.  Well, it would, but I mean new electrical.  The old panel is sketchy, at best.  The furnace is absolutely needed, the ac would be a minor but essential extra bit for my health, and the electrical would probably be required.  I can't just get a loan on the house, that's just... too much.

Could I cut enough costs in order to begin saving enough to get things going over time?  Electrical would be first.  I suppose I could ask for quotes from several contractors, see what that would roughly run.  Then go from there.  I'm sort of stuck, if almost on a sinking boat.  If I let the car loose, it would damage any potential financial flexibility.  Tricks, traps, no real way out.

Yes, the mind whirls when one realizes just how dark it can be.  When hope is all one has, and it's not the type of thing which will prove out well.  On the other hand, I have been in a stormy angry sea for most of my adult life, without a paddle or life vest, lost and at the whims of people who really don't like me.  I won't even say unfairly.  This is, generally, a worldly world.  Even when I was of darkness, I wasn't very worldly.  Now that I have surrendered to light, I am definitely not worldly.  Not holy, if that is the aim.  Not as unworldly as I would choose, within my abilities.  I understand more and more why... crucifixion... while a test... was also... welcomed.  Even, I do believe, on a personal level.  It, more than anything, separated Him from what is here, now, to this day.  Even from us.  Do you really wish to be by His side?

Oh, right.  It wasn't just the cold and sore feet.  I... wasn't able to breath.  I don't know that to His level, yet.  But it could happen.  It is only my walk with Him which keeps me from ending, or attempting to end, again, again, again, this misery.  To not be able to breath is a terrible thing.  It doesn't feel like I have a lot of fluid backed up, I'm not sure what it is.  Stress?  That strangling hopelessness which tries to set in?

I... won't worry.  I will pray.  I will seek wisdom.  I will pray for the intercession of saints, for God to show me how to live or die as He would have it, humbly... more, worse.  I actually think the more that we suffer, for almost any reason, the greater His love for us.  And?  The closer we get to Him?  However, I just couldn't stay in bed.  I had to rise, hopefully warm, catch my breath, and... think and really, pray.  Perhaps get something to eat?  Kefir.  It's... some of my favorite stuff.  Later.  Or good night.  And.  Amen.

Cold.

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After chores, and dinner, that was it.  Too cold out there.  It got to me.  I have the house set at 70, and it just doesn't feel it.  Still, as I go to bed, I will turn it down a few degrees.  Not to 66 but 68.  If the furnace goes out I want just a bit more room between what it was and freezing.

It was 30~32 when last I looked outside.  I didn't look closely, wasn't feeling it.  I had just shut the ducks in.  My hands were frigid.  I was frigid, strangely.  And it sounds wet out there.  Rain, snow, or... just damp from earlier?  I can't exactly tell.  The moisture isn't helping the temp, to be sure.

Well, I did put the sausage pieces up.  I hope to be able to get eggs boiled and peeled, then bottled tomorrow.  I would like to do sauerkraut too, if I'm not certain.  I would need to pull whey off one of the kefirs.  I'm not sure there is one with that sort of buildup.  Though, if I use one to a quarter, refill it, and give it a bit, perhaps that would produce whey in time?  Or will the cabbage be too old by then?  I'm never sure.

Medicine in.  One vitamin, which is taken as a liquid drop, remains.  Thirsty, but trying to avoid drinking too much.  Perhaps a bit of water before bed, but just.  Trying to let the water pills do their work without taxing everything.  The hope is, in time, a few weeks after full dose medicine has been started, I might be able to begin cutting back on the water pills.  The doctor wants just one, but that might not be possible.  I can tell by legs and lugs that one was not getting the fluids out, two wasn't doing it.  But that is one medicine.  Oddly, watching fluid intake and eating better, without medicine, had gotten me in pretty good control of fluids.

It is bedtime.  Earlier than the last three or four days.  Hopefully sleep will be very good.  And maybe I can wake earlier.  Even if I can't do much, being awake during the day would be good.  I will be losing that before long.  Full dose medicine is going to trample me, especially if it stays cold, again, for a while.  Or gets hot, really quickly, too hot.  Delicate.  You would think death would find it's way to me quicker than it has.  Suffering, it seems, is my due.  A grace, in a way.  If it leads me home, then... yes.  Good night.

A bit better.

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The girls were hungry.  So were fed.  I will likely feed them again later.  Three times a day?  If it is dark, cold, and they are hungry, yes.  Sometimes more food is needed.

After, I sliced two types of sausages, variations by brand and sort of kielbasa, I do believe.  I browned both sides of the sausages, the ends, and then the sides a bit.  When, to my ideas, they seemed finished, I pulled two thirds or more out, to be added to pickled eggs... when I can get to that.  Then added sauerkraut in with the rest of the sausages, and let that go for eight minutes.

A rather good meal.  It should be low carb.  Not sure why blood sugar is so high though.  That is my first meal today.  I had two light meals yesterday.  Anyway, supper was good.  I will put the rest of the sausages in the fridge, under plastic wrap, and get to making boiled eggs when I can.  I will use the instapot to do those.  I am not sure I trust it, but... how do you ever know without trying?  Pickled eggs and sausages when I can.

No work tonight.  I am very tired.  Oh, well, perhaps trash out.  And, of course, ducks in when they go in.  Ah, when I was heading out, the UPS man was delivering a package.  He quite enjoyed the ducks.  Henry, the indian runner, was quacking quite loudly.  He is the only one who really does so.  It was a fun thing.  I enjoy moments with the critters, but rarely get to share them.  Talking about them makes no sense to most people.  You... have to be there.

Yes, trash out, some of this and that sort.  Ducks put away when they go in.  I will check the rabbits, and feed the girls again.  I could probably reset the waterers I pulled in this morning... and check to see if the mini-ladies need more water.  I have one out there for them, just in case.

Not feeling a lot better, but not feeling too bad.  A slight improvement, if a minor fever remains.  Fever?  I can't say for certain.  The other day, when I had to... empty out a great deal, there was a bit of a fever then too.  I have been staying well cleaned.  Eating kefir really helps.

Something is off.

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I thought, maybe, blood sugar had dropped.  But it is really high, at 286, fasting.  I haven't eaten today.  I didn't eat much yesterday.  Very strange.  Blood pressure is higher, but not as high as without medicine, at 178/121 with a pulse of 90.  I feel slightly fevered, very tired, plus generally ill.

I would like to say it is the understanding that a lawyer isn't going to take the case.  But I... knew that, suspected.  The world has changed.  It just has.  I will go to the meeting, but I realize I won't win.  Just... going through the motions.  Then I will attempt to figure out how to get out from under the house and car.

It would be good to... do things with money.  But that may not be possible.  As well, the critters have to go.  I could see about finding them homes.  That is unlikely.  Even Sam and Sassy... I don't know.  Finding housing which accepts animals is difficult.

Plus, where to move?  Iowa is too difficult.  I wouldn't move to Iowa for any reason anyway.  Idaho?  Wyoming?  Arizona?  There might be a few other states.  Just a small town, a quiet place.  Hopefully not where drugs are acceptable, or found.  Things are changing, though.  There really aren't safe places.

I don't, probably, have a long time left.  I was sure I would be done by now.  I keep going, but... know time is running out.  I dig in deeper, because sometimes I can.  Feel so tough today, no sure what to make of this or that.  I'll... begin getting ready to get out, I guess.  I'll do what I can on the way out.  Later.

No lawyer.

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Pretty much, he won't take the case because I haven't been being seen for my health issues.  It doesn't matter that the help they offer is not help I would be willing to be involved with.  I won't allow a heart transplant.  Or a kidney transplant.  I told him I would attempt to arrange current evaluations, if I don't think it matters.  I don't think he will take the case under any circumstances.  He isn't interested.

Just waiting to die isn't good enough.  You have to have medical help dying, or they simply won't involve themselves with it.  I will still see about getting evaluated, see where things are now.  And bring that in.  Or send it in when possible.  But it will be without a lawyer, I guess.

I barely made it up and out.  I did get a shower, shave, and dressed well.  While I don't think it helped with the lawyer, I don't think in honesty that it mattered.  I don't know how quickly, or even if, my primary doctor will create consults for the heart clinic, and for whichever clinic does kidneys.  If nothing else, as a diagnosis position, so I have something to take to court.

Too late today.  Tomorrow, it is hoped.

As mentioned, getting up and going was murder.  I made it just in time for the appointment, but tried to make it a few hours early.  I did get chores done, as well as the shower and shave as mentioned.  Things hurt today, but not as bad as they have.  Though the two to three weeks of recent history has been exceptional.  Almost no pain, not under my sensory levels, and only rarely and mildly at a level I can feel.

But, it seems like I may be slipping back.  Lightly, at the moment.

A dark day.  And snow.  Some stuck, in very back out of the way places.  The sun hasn't been out.  Middle dark, really.  That made waking a bit more difficult.  I think it was 10:00 before I could roll out, and about noon... half past... before I was on the road.  So be it.

Later.

A later harder start.

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It is dark out there.  Not as dark as it can get, but a medium overcast darkness.  A heavy medium dark.  And cold.  It could be much colder, but 32 is cold.  And, laugh as they will, it did snow.  I wonder if they ever stop laughing, or just wait for the snow which they absolutely know is impossible?

I finally woke at about 10:00.  Thankfully I left the furnace on last night.  Ducks were fed and let out.  Rabbits will get theirs soon.  Henry is chasing Crow around, and the other drakes just... don't have the energy to fight him off.  Nor do his hens.  A middle age crisis?  She isn't interested, but that doesn't mean all that much.

I didn't do a lot last night.  I got the boxes up here, most of them, broken down.  Running out of room for packing material left a few stranded.  I didn't get the bag out last night, but will this morning.  I also didn't get a shower, but will this morning.  

I am feeling better, but not all that energetic.  Some pain this morning.  Kidneys?  Not sure, exactly.  Mild but persistent through the morning as I have been waking occasionally since 06:00... just before... I turned off the alarms right before.  To bed by 23:00?  Shortly after?  No, I think it was past midnight if by a quarter or less.  I simply couldn't tuck in until then.

Cats and rabbits, a shower, medicine and breakfast.  Today is the eighth day, without a miss.  One more week of low dosage, then back to full dosage.  I am taking some of the heart medicine, the little tab, twice a day... 3.125 mg?  Or such.  Then I start the 12.5 mg dose on top of it... twice a day.  I could split those or take one a day, but that doesn't help ease me in.  It just goes dark completely until I am up to dose, full, and get used to it.  Better to go dark for a week to month, then stretch it out over months.  Same darkness, lack of concentration, inability to work... just shorter if I do it in one stretch rather than two or three titrations.

One more week, given only because I have some short term things which must be done.  And on full dose, I would not be able to do them.  Still, everything is getting done, and is closing in on being set for whatever arrives and thus being able to take full medicines and get bp under control again.

Blathering.  So dark, cold, and tired.  It happens.  Later.

A very few things.

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.

Very odd.  I put the ducks up.  And, all of a sudden, the rabbits started drinking as if... I don't know.  I checked their waterers.  They, on the south side, were all full!  They hadn't consumed any water, in spite of it being out all day.  So I checked them, to see if they were trying, but failing, to get water.  Nope, all of them had water.

Why would rabbits not drink water?  A storm blew in, knocked the cages around a bit, but that was six to ten hours after their water was put out.  I will check, before I go to bed, just to make sure, once again, that the water is flowing.  And that there is some water gone.  Very very strange.

Ducks are up.  And most of the boxes have been broken down.  I ran out of room for packing material.  I'll... get it tomorrow.  I may take out the trash tonight.  It's dry, so it doesn't really matter.  More the point of it.  No more boxes up tonight.  I'm just not able to do as much as hoped.

I will get on with supper.  It's easy.  Just frying some of the sausages and adding sauerkraut when they are as browned as I prefer them.  I already had a kefir, earlier.  As well, I had yogurt.  I was curious how that would taste.  Really?  It tastes exactly as I would expect of exceptional quality, plain, yogurt.  Which... is pretty good.  I just wanted a bit more to eat.  And, really, kefir is more of a drink than a food.

I am a bit stuffed, but the point isn't to consume large amounts of food.  It is more to cook sausages, and have a meal from that.  Probably three, given most of it will be put up for tomorrow.  I don't have to cook the kielbasa, but I will anyway.  At least one of the types.  As well, another type or brand of sausage.  It might be kielbasa too, or... and uncooked version.

After supper, a shower.  And, dishes at least put in to soak.  Not much happening today, probably not a lot tomorrow.  Medicine is hard on me.  I did take all medicine for today, so at least there is that.  Six days, without missing a dose.  Even though it is beating me up.  All good.  No insulin tonight.  I'll... give it a few days, see where it is, and then decide from there.

Later, or good night.

Rain.

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And it has grown quite cold.  Further, it blew the tarp off one of my rabbit hutches.  Putting it back on, setting it up, and securing it wasn't bad.  The heavy wind, which it would have required, has ended... or for now.  Under the trees, there wasn't much water coming  down.  But it was so very awfully cold.

It dropped to 38.  Which isn't exactly terrible.  The wind, and moisture in the air, however, along with the temperature, and that it was nearly 70 seemingly minutes, if certainly a few hours ago, really caught me off guard.  Not dark enough to put the ducks in, and rain... literally... of a ducks back.  They are enjoying the rain, even the cool.  It's how they do.

I'll get to the boxes just shortly.  Then bring some up.  A shower afterward.  Then supper.  Somewhere around supper, before or after, the ducks should be ready.  Most likely they will be in.  I will check the tarps again, when I go out next.  As well, I will see if the does need more water.  There is one out there for them, just in case.

I am tired.  But I think I can get some things done.  Boxes broken down, and brought up.  A shower.  Supper and chores.  Little things.  Probably no work upstairs tonight.  The cool snuck up, stole my energy.  I have closed the place down, and turned the furnace up... at least for a bit.  Actually, once it warms in here, and I feel warmed, I will probably turn it down to 66.  It was 64 when I realized it had gotten so cool I wasn't getting to work!  No windows open tonight.

Snow?  I'm telling you, you never know.  Later, or good night.

A storm coming in?

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It certainly became a cloudy day.  Wind, too, gathered and pushes through.  It isn't a terrible thing, so far.  But it is changing the world a bit, cooling it off a bit.  No rain, or snow, so far.  It could happen any time.  A pleasant spring day, in it's own right.  At this point, I am not sure if it is too cool or still too warm for this time of the year?  I think, even as it, it is probably warmer than usual.

Chores, of course.  A meal, if I didn't mention it.  Eggs and bacon.  Those eggs are truly top of the line.  I would hate to boil those, I'll save storebought for boiling.  I haven't messed with sausages or else, but may yet tonight, for supper.  I have bratwursts, already cooked, as well.  I am curious which sausages go best in pickled eggs.  Plus, it would be an extremely keto friendly snack.

If I like all the sausages, an egg and sausage would easily cover a snack.  Whether that odd mental, psychological, hunger... or that certainty that I should eat but am not up to cooking.  That it what I need handled.  Well, and more fat.  Nuts are good, for fats, initially.  But honestly, they omega sixes are too high.  I need something with lower sixes, higher threes.  Eggs are so~so... more balanced, I think?

What is rich in omega 3 fatty acids?  Mostly certain types of fish.  Sardines, anchovies, salmon, and others.  The thing with salmon, is a lot of that is farmed (or very expensive).  Farmed is high in heavy metals and other such.  Anchovies, mackerels, sardines, and some others are too small to farm well.  So, buying wild caught isn't that much more expensive, if at all.  Still, those are difficult to add to the diet.  I like those, mostly, but they are still a bit spendy, and don't play well with other foods, or a funny stomach.

It is more than just omega 3's though.  Iodine almost doesn't exist outside of seafood.  And there are other reasons.  I'd love other seafoods, but for quality, not China slop, the price is beyond my means... even if I was getting ssd too.  Maybe a rare occasion order of US caught and filleted fish, or a few dozen oyster, or such.  About like steak... only if I was on ssd, then only once every or every other month at most.  Then again, beef quality had deteriorated for the last few years when I could afford it.  I hadn't even bothered with fish.  I wonder if that is pretty much gone too?

So?  I really need to catch up on dishes, and the kitchen.  As well, I really want to punch out some boxes, then bring more up to be finished later.  If I could finish this up here and the next group to be brought up from the basement, I would pretty much be done with boxes... other than getting them out to recycling.  

I am still a bit over weary.  Too tired to really break into much.  And, yet, I am hoping to get the boxes broken down, get the last from the basement up, get a shower, and do an easy supper before putting the ducks away.  It's... possible.  I have been brushing my teeth.  Hmm, may take meds shortly, so I don't have to go back down the steps when I go to bed tonight.

And, maybe, do some work upstairs... especially if I don't have to go down the steps again.  They aren't bad, unless one is worn out.  Then they become a pain.  The upstairs is getting cleared.  I am closing in on finishing up there.  One solid day would get it, easily.  Then leaving the powders to soak up smells overnight, or two.  Vacuuming would be fast, if wetvacing will take several days to dry out from... perhaps another dry vacuuming after that, too?  Next week, I hope, and that will get done.

I best get some things going if I want to get some things done.  Later.  Good night if I fail to return.  Who knows.

Yea? Better.

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Still just a bit rough.  More still tired than rough, really.  Even so, the first part of chores were finished, then eggs and bacon.  The fresh eggs are so much better than storebought.  It's crazy.  And the bacon leavings are much fresher.  I am wondering if, for a while, all frozen foods were rather dated.  They got way ahead of themselves.

In part, covid and some of the animal diseases required China to buy what we had.  What we had was old, but... it got them through the hot drought, and dumped a lot of old meat out of inventory.  Just how much of this was planned and created I can't say, but don't think, just because our governments are technically enemies, that they don't work together.  If it happens to be for or against "their people" is just a happenstance... it's business, and in business, there are no friends.  It's about money, or food, or just keeping things copesthetic enough that a revolution doesn't occur.

Anyway, the bacon ends have been fresh and clean for the last six months... I've eaten, or started on, three different packages.  I am well pleased.  Though, perhaps too, there have been changes in how things are done.  As plants go to more automation, overworked underpaid illegals aren't making huge errors in food handling?  Who knows, for sure.  Somebody does, but it would be death to say.

A good breakfast, in any case.  I'll get the rabbits shortly.  Still weary, as mentioned.  But... it'll work out.  I have fed the girls, already, as with the ducks.  The rabbits just have to wait.  It was 68 or so, last time I looked outside.  It may well be warmer.  Wind, or breezes, seem to blow through from time to time.  It's almost as if rain is lurking, deciding whether it is time or soon.  Still, it is a wonderful day.

Yea, chores.  Then hitting some boxes after I can get to it again.  I won't push.  I will do something.  After boxes are taken down, another break, then out to the cages to do some work on various parts and pieces I want sorted... the hay mangers, some of the feed bins strapped in a bit better, a few problem areas sorted out.  Plus, I have figured out how to use the rebar tie systems, would like to experiment with that, with the tool, and with the bailing wire... see which I like best, and/or for what.

If I can work after all that, then some work upstairs.  I won't be doing a lot more today.  Tomorrow?  The bathroom.  Just that.  The toilet is clean, the sink is mostly clean... just needs a bit, but the tub could use some work from being in it to work on the faucet.  But the faucet has no drip now.  So, very good.  But to get the floor of that clean.  I'll keep at it, look on the web, on yt, and wherever.  There is a bit more to be sorted from in there, but... it's... doing better.  A good day of work, or two, could see it absolutely spotless.  And with everything sorted, it should be easy to keep up.

The rest of the week?  The kitchen.  Well, and ongoing boxes and work upstairs.  I think it will work out.  I am getting used to medicine.  Whether I set it up for one or two weeks, I probably won't up the heart medicine to full dose for another week.  I want to try to get more done, before I crash.  Yeah.  But... getting there, getting everywhere.  Later.

Up at noon.

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Late, but after last night I am almost surprised to be awake this early.  Lungs aren't too funky, the best they have been for days.  And my feet have drained, impossibly, without filling my lungs?  I don't quite get that, since I slept clean through.  No waking up to go to the bathroom all night.  And when I went to bed, my feet were rather puffy.

Teeth were just brushed, so I wait an half hour to eat or drink.  Which means I have to wait on medicines.  I don't mind, I actually got up, when initially going to bed last night, because I thought I had missed medicines.  Good thing, probably?  I had missed them.  Today is going into the seventh day, and I haven't missed medicine yet, even though it is beating the heck out of me.

Medicine, then kefir.  I may try bacon and eggs again, just... something.  Again, I am not hungry.  However, I really need to eat.  If I am not hungry at lunch... or what will pass for lunch, I will have a kefir or smoothie.  I will have supper, if just a small pot of soup.  Which... sounds good to me.  With veggies this time.

Oh, my trial of frozen celery?  Not so good.  I had hoped to pull it, and be able to eat peanut butter with it.  They were like wet noodles.  I'm not even sure I would put them in soup.  So, that is out.  Carrots might work?  Raw?  The problem, for me, is that carrots last a long time in the fridge.  I don't need to freeze those.

Food.

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That was the problem.  Not eating, mostly, yesterday... or drinking... got me.  Everything stopped up in there.  Oh, I ate, just not enough, or per meal.  Two very light meals.  As well, I only drank about an half gallon, plus a couple shots of vinegar mix and a single kefir.  If I do nothing else, at least have three small kefirs per day.

Everything in there just stopped.  The medicine, I suspect, didn't help.  But there were other problems.  I have been trying to have more food, more often, and slightly larger meals.  I will need another kefir, probably, in order to have eaten more today.  Food just isn't interesting, and is so filling!

I cleared out today, too.  Very strange.  Liquids and solids, out, in large volumes.  I think kefir helps, when there might be some other problem.  If I think the major problem was the wrong food Friday, then too little volume yesterday.  It just stopped.  Just in fluid, I have taken in about another half gallon, plus a quart of kefir and a couple shots of vinegar stuff.  But I loosed a gallon and an half, or more.

Whatever.  I am feeling slightly better.  After my... fourth bm, something... improved.  It was pretty rough today.  I am hoping, whatever has happened today will allow tomorrow to be an improvement.  I was barely able to do chores.  A nap helped.  That I was able to lay down without choking on lung backup was a surprise.  Ugh.

I hate wasting such good days.  Though, today, regardless, I wouldn't have worked.  I did pray, as I was able.  And will pray tonight, as usual.  Sleep well.  Oh... I... kicked this post past midnight, so as not to disturb Sunday.  A technical thing, but... yeah.  Good night, God bless, sleep or work well.

Okay, no food.

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Slowly, over the last hour, another roll... ten tabs... have been consumed.  As well, about a quart of tea has gone down.  I kept hoping I would be able to get up, get cooking.  That just isn't going to happen.  I shouldn't be awake, so I bumbled my way past any 'high' achievement level I may have had... which wasn't much.

Still, I think sleep will return.  I have managed the blood sugar plunge.  I am ready to crawl back up and get on back to sleep.  I'll grab a bottle or two of water.  It helps, with as many tabs as went down.  Those can be cloying.  Still, they did their job, if it took a lot of them.  No major complaints, other than trying to understand the crash in the first place.  It shouldn't have happened.  I took one dose of insulin today.  Stupid stuff.

Good night, again.

Crashing... blood sugar.

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In spite of doing as suggested in the next post, a post I presented earlier for a later posting, something went very wrong.  I did have kefir.  I had other food too.  Not a lot, but... it should have been enough.  Even so, about two hours into what should have been a restful sleep, I woke feeling awful.

Without being sure, my body found the carb tabs.  And... I had a few.  I attempted to go back to sleep.  More were needed.  I ended eating a roll, ten, of them.  Again, I tried to roll back in and tuck the problem off.  I had eaten ten sugar tabs!  An half hour later, which was an half hour further beyond the initial consumptions, so an hour after the first then half hour after the second consumption, I just... got up.

Blood sugar, with three tabs and an half hour, then seven more tabs and another half hour and my blood sugar was... 62?  Crazy.  Another ten, if needed, in mostly threes.  As well, I plan to cook sausages and sauerkraut.  Just store kraut for now.  I would like to make my own, but that takes time and... well, ingredients and time.  What sausages I don't eat tonight, along with kielbasa, I will slice into smaller portions and pickle with eggs?  It's a theory... assuming I don't pass out trying to cook.

Blood sugar should not have gone down like that.  I ate more, damn it!  And then more on top of it.  I'm still sweaty and weak.  A few more tabs, more tea, and hopefully in better condition for some minor cooking.  But not until I can stand.  I'm only sitting because I fear reclining.  Sleep could be final.  Ugh.

Later.

Difficult day.

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It wasn't until after noon before I could finish chores.  I was exhausted.  Too tired to do almost anything.  The extra water pill helped.  By 14:00 or so, I was able to get upstairs to nap.  I would have napped earlier, but my lungs were too full.  Laying down would have been a problem.

Anyone who doesn't believe fluid should have come out of Jesus' chest simply doesn't understand how much fluid can backed up in there, when the heart and lungs are compressed.  I have much, and I am not even on a crucifix.  I can only imagine being in that position for hours.

The nap helped, if merely allowing me some rest.  It hasn't allowed me to get to work.  I was able to make a bite to eat.  A taco salad.  Nothing at all fancy, but it was something.  I wasn't hungry, but felt I should eat.  Not all of it, but some, most, of it.  If, too, I chose a smaller serving... half what I tried last time.  That may be it for today.  Though, perhaps, a berry smoothie later.

It is 70 in here, in this the usually cooler room.  And yet I have felt cold all day.  A headache, tension, if from what I can't quite say.  It wasn't from sleep last night, it happened while I was awake, before the nap.  A difficult day.  I suppose that means medicine is beginning to do things.  Blood sugar was very high today, which is odd.  There is something between heart medicine and blood sugar.  Usually they help each other, but when first starting, either of them, they can cause problems with the other.  I did eat bad food recently.  But I can, from time to time.  It shouldn't have been a problem.

Nothing going on today.  Couldn't make church, won't work for the reason of the day.  I have eaten, and will have a bit of kefir blend later.  Perhaps to bed early, if possible.  The critters are all fed and watered.  I couldn't work, though, if I wished it.  So it goes.  Sometimes God doesn't give us a choice but to honor a day?  I don't mind.  Later.

Easter.

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Both up and down.  22:40ish down, give or take ten.  About 08:30 up, give or take ten.  The sun isn't even out fully today.  Though some days that can be a good thing.  It was 64 up there all night, which isn't bad, but it is beginning to warm.  I am used to 57, sometimes cooler, rarely warmer.

A fit of coughing as I woke.  Lungs full again.  I am increasing the water pills to three.  When I go to bed, my ankles are very swollen.  When I wake up, they are better, but my lungs are flooded.  I can hope extra water pills can help.  Medicine must be slowing the heart down, it can't pump as it had been.  Until my body gets used to it, it's just going to be rough.  And it won't get used to it until a couple of weeks on full dose.  Which, I think will start this or next Tuesday.

A holy day.  The holiest of them.  I had difficulty getting out of bed.  I won't make it to church.  I will pray.  It is what I can do.  I may even have to go on back to bed.  At least I know one who suffers far better than I.  I do know what near asphyxiation, from lung blockages, is like though too.  I contemplate His demise, not just as a means of easing my suffering, but also knowing His sacrifice in all it's glory.

Anyway.  I will pray today.  Since my cup, as His, will not be lifted, I can appreciate that as well.  I will suffer well, and offer that for others, as He did.  A smaller road I walk, but in the same direction.  Or so it is hoped.  Well, my suffering won't be lifted here, now.  There is a place... time... where that will happen.

I won't be able to stand for a while, until I can get my breath.  I couldn't remain reclined, or I would have.  Slept longer, if I could have.  Lungs too full.  So... for a while, I will just sit.  I added the extra water pill today and  into the next week, plus extra potassium which is needed at the higher levels of water pills.  I can hope it will dry me out sooner than later, and maybe allow me to get back to things.  If... the whole process may take a few weeks, a month, or even months.

May you pray well, and be with God on this holiest of holy days.  Amen.