Can't warm, or become sleepy.

.

.

So, I look around.  I have added extra clothing.  It isn't helping.  Extra footwear.  It just isn't working.  Tired, but not sleepy?  Or, if sleepy, not enough?

I have been looking around.  I don't like looking at other people's "near-death" experiences.  Sometimes, though, curiosity can get to me.  Much seems different.  Others remember floating there, where they died.  Others see a light.  I was just... elsewhere.  I didn't even die quickly, the time I remember more... than darkness.  It took about six hours, once I arrived at the hospital, then was helicoptered to another hospital... a two hour flight, or so.  All told, twelve hours to die.  A terrible, painful, death.

One thing very common is realizing what is happening.  And, regardless how that came to happen, not wanting to die.  So strange how death happens.  I thought, every time, that I would be able to stop it, somehow.  To... get a grip, to hold on as if life were an object.  If it is like an object, it is like a fish, one which cannot be held.

For me, death hurt.  Every time.  It physically hurt, if the pain echoed away... sort of as the body and mind separated?  As I remember it now.  Or was it even a physical pain?  I can't honestly be certain.  But there was a weird pain.  Not like any other pain I have ever known.  And, honestly, not the most severe of pains.  But the pain hurt my feelings too.  It was embarrassing, like losing that fish suggested before, but a fish that was supposed to feed family and friends?

I wasn't aware of what was happening with my body, or around me.  Every time I died, I was somewhere else so fast.  Either in darkness, or there, that place, where I was with a few others, where the fire was, in a blueish form.  Electric blue.  No pain, or thirst, or hunger, or... it was a very good place.  That was the first time, since becoming ill, I didn't have to think about breathing, or the pain.  These last few weeks have been almost that good.  I still have to breath, there I didn't.  My body still must work to live, there that wasn't the case.  I still need sleep, food, water, and think about women.   None of that was needed or a difficulty there.

Only there five and an half minutes?  True.  But that is a very long time outside of time.  It was wonderful, except that I knew... where I had to go next.  Fire.  If I am ever faced with that, hopefully not again, not this time, but if so?  I will, at first opportunity, rush into that fire.  And be thankful for the opportunity.

It always makes me cry to think about it.  The emotions involved are convoluted.  While I am pleased for an opportunity at better choices, and doing my best to know God better, I was so very close.  And, aside from going through the fire, it was so... comfortable.  For moments.  Seeing the fire, feeling it, couldn't get too comfortable.  But... when I could think of other for a moment, it was so pleasant to be pain and need free.

Anyway... I couldn't escape the thoughts while watching another.  Of course, it might well be oxygen deprivation.  The thing is, if it was, I am just as grateful either way.  As mentioned, even if I became certain God was merely a psychological attempt at easing the way to life into death?  His way is so perfect that I would still abide His way.  I would do His will, even without reward.

Enough for now.  Later, or good night.  Amen.