No dice on sleep.

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I was freezing up there.  The thermometer reads 61, which is warm.  A week or two ago, that was too warm for me to sleep comfortably.  Tonight?  My feet were freezing.  Even my body.  I can usually put my feet together, and that will get them warm enough, especially with two blankets on them.  I had four, or five?  And had them snuggled as well as possible.  They simply would not warm up.  It was so cold they hurt.  I even put on a cap, hoping that would help with warmth.  No good.

Well, and from swelling lately, the tops of them hurt.  I wore boots I shouldn't have worn today.  Odd though, my feet look slim.  I am not sure why they still feel like they are swollen.  Not just the tops of my feet, all the way up to my knees, whether wearing compression or just wool socks.  Odd.

I felt no pain for the last three weeks.  Or... little, minor, only rarely.  As pain is returning I am feeling it all, I suspect.  Does medicine cause the pain?  No, no it doesn't, or similar to what I know off medicine.  It is being painless that was different.  I really wondered if that meant I was going to die.  Being painfree for a week is... unusual in almost a spooky way.  It is like having a forest go quiet around you.  So three weeks was very... frightening in a way.  Peculiar.  Pleasing, but so very... strange.

The pain hasn't all returned.  Just... odd little bits.  And it isn't as harsh as it has been, usually is.  But the cold and the hurting of the feet otherwise are enough to keep me awake.  I turned the furnace up, when I came down.  I have to have some warmth.  I need to warm up, then hopefully get to bed.

But... that wasn't the only thing.  I looked around in nearby states.  Rents, in their cheaper areas, run more than my house payment?  How is that even possible?  It seems, almost, as if I am stuck where I am.  I will have to get rid of the animals, save the cats, if I stay.  Do I even have a choice?  Perhaps someone would take them, the livestock?  Probably not the rabbits, unfortunately.  They are edible, if a bit older now.  I just... don't know.

The trick would be getting a new furnace and air conditioner.  Which... might require new wiring.  Well, it would, but I mean new electrical.  The old panel is sketchy, at best.  The furnace is absolutely needed, the ac would be a minor but essential extra bit for my health, and the electrical would probably be required.  I can't just get a loan on the house, that's just... too much.

Could I cut enough costs in order to begin saving enough to get things going over time?  Electrical would be first.  I suppose I could ask for quotes from several contractors, see what that would roughly run.  Then go from there.  I'm sort of stuck, if almost on a sinking boat.  If I let the car loose, it would damage any potential financial flexibility.  Tricks, traps, no real way out.

Yes, the mind whirls when one realizes just how dark it can be.  When hope is all one has, and it's not the type of thing which will prove out well.  On the other hand, I have been in a stormy angry sea for most of my adult life, without a paddle or life vest, lost and at the whims of people who really don't like me.  I won't even say unfairly.  This is, generally, a worldly world.  Even when I was of darkness, I wasn't very worldly.  Now that I have surrendered to light, I am definitely not worldly.  Not holy, if that is the aim.  Not as unworldly as I would choose, within my abilities.  I understand more and more why... crucifixion... while a test... was also... welcomed.  Even, I do believe, on a personal level.  It, more than anything, separated Him from what is here, now, to this day.  Even from us.  Do you really wish to be by His side?

Oh, right.  It wasn't just the cold and sore feet.  I... wasn't able to breath.  I don't know that to His level, yet.  But it could happen.  It is only my walk with Him which keeps me from ending, or attempting to end, again, again, again, this misery.  To not be able to breath is a terrible thing.  It doesn't feel like I have a lot of fluid backed up, I'm not sure what it is.  Stress?  That strangling hopelessness which tries to set in?

I... won't worry.  I will pray.  I will seek wisdom.  I will pray for the intercession of saints, for God to show me how to live or die as He would have it, humbly... more, worse.  I actually think the more that we suffer, for almost any reason, the greater His love for us.  And?  The closer we get to Him?  However, I just couldn't stay in bed.  I had to rise, hopefully warm, catch my breath, and... think and really, pray.  Perhaps get something to eat?  Kefir.  It's... some of my favorite stuff.  Later.  Or good night.  And.  Amen.