I swear...

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Someone knows what they really couldn't.

Her?  The... when I think of her, in that way?

It's a rough day.

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I am sore from just living.  I hurt when I take a deep breath.  Too hot, too cold, dazed, confused.  I'm... still trying to get to chores.  After this, immediately after this post.  I will do it.  I just will.

A very good nap.

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I hit a brick wall.  Right at 11:00, all said and done, I went in and down.  It was cool up there, 60?  Probably cooler, until I closed one of the windows.  Wind was really taking it down.  A fine sleep though.  Dreams, of funny things.  Funny to me.  To you?  Mean girls...  little joys... childhood ways.  Innocent, other than the depths of meanness sometimes?  Something like that.

Up about three and an half hours later.  Just in time for dairy products to arrive.  Thankfully, they had everything.  All good.  Extra money out, and on my tab.  Some extra money offered for cartons.  I worry about things.  The world is growing dark.  I am trying to get set up myself, and trying to get other people to set up.  But... the world... everybody is broke, busy, hungry, with a thousand thousand pulls, plugs, pushes, and shoves.  I... get it.  All I can do is try.  So... I do.  I... may do more.  Because I can.  Amen.

I am so tired.  I just can't get in to shower!  I turned the furnace up earlier, but that didn't help.  Warming stone makes warm stone, but it doesn't allow stone to act.  I am... warm stone.  I need to do chores, late on those.  Have to figure out how to do those.  Have to.  Shower is far behind getting those done.  So rough!  I even ate, but that just doesn't matter.  Not hungry, then, or now.  May try to eat, again, anyway.  Something small.  A fatted coffee, a blend of nuts, and maybe some cheese?  Just... something, energy.  See if it might kick over, if I supply a bit, but not too much, fats for the fire.

Prayers.  I tell you people, be praying.  What is coming is dark and hard.  Food, tires, medicine, everything you are used to having... will become scarce, at best.  Some think it is China picking on us.  It really isn't.  They are dying.  Russia is dying.  Both even faster than most of the rest of the world.  And those shots didn't help things.  I would lay a wager that their required shots were worse than even ours.  And, pretty much, everyone over there got one, including foreign nationals.  A ten percent death rate, with a thirty percent disability rate?  If they, and we, are lucky, when all is said and done.  Seems to be okay, comparatively, for the over sixty.  But was that luck or planned?  Dangerous times, in every way.  Prayers.

I'll get some chow, push for chores, push then for a shower.  I... can't even play games, for long.  Can't focus.  Or browse the web.  I'm... shot.  Medicine is being kept up.  Oh, expect insulin.  Ackh, I keep falling off that.  I keep restarting it, when I realize.  Ugh.  I'll... keep at it.  It is 60 out there.  Wow.  Strange.  Later.

The last of the chicken.

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Amazing how well that tasted, how well it lasted.  And, the whole hindquarter is so much better than just the drumstick or thigh alone.  I cooked those just enough to be eaten, and yet heated without overcooking.  And, the chicken was good.  The last few batches of chicken I have purchased have been... off.  To put it nicely.  Dated at best, slightly rotten to be honest.  Couldn't eat them.  Some of them were so bad, that while cooking, the smell was so wrong that I didn't even bother trying them.  I could tell by the smell, fifteen minutes or less in, that they weren't human, or probably animal, consumable.

While chicken, to start, isn't my favorite, when fresh, and cooked correctly, it's... not bad.  And this was a step or two above not bad.  I guess chicken can just be questionable, far too often.  But, when it is truly fresh, correctly, cut, correctly cooked, and warm to hot, it... really can be delicious.  I'd love to raise them myself, but... getting them cleaned, processed, and frozen, in time, is a heck of a task.  I have helped another do it.  It's a tight racket.

Now to get to a shower.  A bit tired, and digesting breakfast... yes, chicken for breakfast.  And a fatted coffee.  I got my teeth scrubbed, right after breakfast.  Really need a shower, next.  

The sun is out.  It has been up and out for an hour, maybe nearing two?  But it is still only 32 out there!  All good.  More snow?  I... can't say.  I was going to suggest we were going to get snow, last week.  But I didn't think it was possible, so didn't say what I felt.  I guess we really have had it, been getting it.  Meh.  Still, I... don't like saying such things these days.  People really don't like when you do, more so if you are correct?

My heart hurts.  Not sure why.  Well, other than pushing harshly for the last week?  Yea.  Not in physical effort, but in switching my schedule.  Like needles, through the heart.  Just... from time to time.  Yea, it could be bad.  But, at this point, what would they do about it?  Just as likely make sure it is fatal, even if it wasn't going to be.  I... don't trust them.  Not after what I have been through.  I've had this before, though.  And... generally just take things down a notch and make it through.  Eventually I won't, but... valar morghulis... as fiction bleeds into reality.  Even the Christ, for a while.

Well... on to... something?  But what?  I'm not ready to shower, or mess with laundry, or much.  And y.t. has closed back down.  Meh... Just a spin around the web?  Would love a nap, but... not quite yet.  I'll... think on it.  Hmm, I could, maybe, begin sorting boxes and unboxed materials in the living room and spare bedroom?  After some web viewing.  Later.

Up!?

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This time, in spite of sheer exhaustion, I knew what time I went to bed.  Some... part of me was lost, in time and space... queried our whereabouts.  I wasn't sure if it was the 20th or 21st, but Friday, May, I knew.  So, I looked.  It had been the 20th, which means it's the 21st.  I have done well on day and date, after the extended Tuesday debacle.  Or, am getting back to it.

Still, rough, and tired.  It was 21:15 exactly, when I rolled to check the date.  It blazed into my brain, for some reason.  Which was odd, for in spite of it being the first thing I saw, it was not the data being primarily sought.  And, there was not attempt at memorizing.  I was too tired, I thought, to actually remember anything.  I am surprised I remembered the instance, let alone the time.  I was crashing so hard, and fast, the next thing I remember is black.  Dark, empty, nothing, void, so deep and hard nothing made sense until I awoke at just a bit before 04:00.  I am not even sure I would have waken then, but Sassy came up.  I have little night lights, which to a degree she hates.  It means I knows when she is coming.  I sure hope it is her.

I have something between my line of vision and the stairs area.  I could, probably, tell if it was human sized?  Probably hear it more than see it, without my glasses.  Especially as blurry as my vision has become, with the lack of water.  I am drinking a lot less, and pushing my sleeping schedule... if it... seems to be leveling out.  Though, yesterday, I stayed up much later than planned.  Sixteen hours, but I was exhausted from the morning cold.

I am leaving the furnace on, now.  Just to 70.  It makes it a little easier to wake.  It was 64 upstairs, 61 in this front room, and 26 outdoors?  I have two thermometers, both reading that, so... yes.  Crazy.  I am telling you, that is absolutely weird.  All good.  From my pal, I hear we are not just getting rain, but snow.  Way past normal times.  And, we need both, terribly.  Every bit we get is vital.  Especially snow.  Yes, I have been praying for it.  At this point, it is a matter of some newer communities even having tap water, or not.  Where they were built, how they access water, and when their community was created, may leave them with no water.  Maybe.  Not in my area, mostly, but...

I did ask if they had put water restrictions in place.  He said, no, for now.  But suspects they may.  And, yes, he... looked worried.  His summer job is putting in sprinkler systems.  Besides what happens to lawns without water, for extended times... even watering once a week is bleak... who wants to put in a water system they can't use?  There is a lot of single, and multiplicative impact on his income.  And, there is nothing his company can do about it.  I think some areas are already in water restrictions.  Though, a sprinkling system would allow a much better, thorough, and efficient watering.  It would make the water go a lot farther, and be better applied.

Oh, as to the patch of dry on my lawn?  It... isn't the sun.  It is the soil.  I'll have to see about taking soil out, and replacing it.  A patch, probably fifteen by twenty?  Take out three to six inches, replacing it with good topsoil..  Have to figure out how much top soil costs, and how to best to remove the current dead dirt.  The grass does what it can, but... it... just isn't doing well.  Even with lots of good rain, and shade, it has become blighted.

Up, at four, almost exactly.  I need to brush my teeth, get breakfast going, take a shower, and get dishes started.  Then, see about the rest of my day.  I am hoping to do more.  I'll be giving the cement on the clothes lines a week or three before putting the lines up.  It's rather cool.  It will take it time to settle.  Heck of a deal.  Once it is all together, I'll give it another week.  Then, I'll begin using it for laundry... when it is dry enough.  And, put my bedding out, to let it sun cure and air well.  I have spare pads, so will put up what I have used this winter, set up a new set, then switch between them weekly, or at least every other week, with sun curing between.  Gotta do it.

I had hoped to get to confession, but sixteen hundred is right at the edge of my boundary to even stand.  So, not this week.  But, I can get my clothes definitely ready, practice what I do in confession, and probably get it roughly drafted.  I have specific sins.  Some of them, generally, have been released.  But in examining things, I think these things need specific work.  And, something I can discuss, are my suicide attempts.  The thing is to... recall them all, or all the times.  There are six I definitely remember, two of which were technically successful.  I... those are grave sins.  I want to be rid of them.  And, of course, there are the dailies, weeklies, the ongoing.  I'll go over what is a sin, what needs to be confessed, and get things back in order.  But, as mentioned, probably next week.

Good morning.  Good day.  Get to it.  Amen.

Yes, well, yes.

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The visitor visited.  Then he said he had to go do something, but would be back.

I... kept waiting.  I so needed to go to bed though.  Something is a bit off.  I told him I would wait, and so wait I did.  And wait, and wait.  I... something hurts, plus I am tired, sore, exhausted to tears, tears that hurt so I don't let them flow.

I went on back to the bathroom.  Went to the bathroom.  And, as I finished, I noticed he was out there?  Must me him.  Windows aren't clear, it's... a bathroom.  But, pretty sure.  So, I opened the window and, yep.  Odd... an odd grin.

So, I went out.  A dip, in the drive, which needs patched, was wet.  Odd.  I asked if... something had happened.  Cement, he said?  Cement?  But... that... is what we were going to do with the extra from... the clothes line setup fill?  But... that meant...  Yep!  He had set up the clothes line.  Run the gas posthole digger.  I hadn't even heard.  So tired, I... but still, that thing is loud.

Ha!  Here I had been a bit disappointed.  I thought we were just about to go hit it.  Nope.  Done.  What can you do, but be grateful.  Asparagus is up.  I told him about it.  We went looking.  Several shoots, a handful.  I sent him with it, and my thanks.  Not much, but it's what I had.

Still, I am so tired it hurts.  In ways I haven't known for a month or two.  But, it... will help me keep my day schedule.  Can't see well.  Eyes so dry, parched, burning.  But... the clothes line is up!  It'll take a bit to cure, with the cool.  But, I... I can happily wait a week or three.  Then set the lines again.  Absolutely fantastic.  And, I am up to 20:00.

A potential visitor.

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Found a tool  that wasn't mine, while tinkering.  It is sort of pricey, if not as much as a power tool, actually not far off some smaller ones.  So, I let the owner know.  Should have seen it before now, did, but... didn't realize... all the moving parts of the notion.  As soon as I did, I am taking care of it.  Remember, I have been just barely aware, these last weeks, months.

I am quitting gaming, I guess, for some while.  Frustrated with games which simply do not perform.  I guess they have completely lost the ability to put together a functional game.  Then again, as far back as Mass Effect 2, then 3, they had huge problems.  I was not able to get through either game, as they glitched at some point in the game, and saved games became glitched.  I started over, in each game, three different times.  It didn't matter.  I pulled the games off, attempted to write other games over, several times.  It didn't matter.  I was never able to finish either of those games.  Nothing I tried allowed the games to be completed.

I suppose I could continue with this game.  But, not that version of it.  It was an old saved game.  Which had been completed.  I suppose I could try to do a new game plus with it, see if that ends the supposed quest which isn't allowing my 'toon to fast travel?  But... I really shouldn't have to.  The game is broken.  And, maybe, even that wouldn't work.

I am just frustrated with games, at this point.  They really don't work.  Oh, and Witcher 3?  That didn't work either.  It stopped rendering certain cities.  I, sort of, was able to finish the game, but on only one path.  The other paths were closed off, in various other attempts to play.  They simply, honestly, can't make playable games, at this point.

I may continue to tinker, at least see if something can be done.  But... not sure it is worth the effort.  As for trophies, on this game, it doesn't matter.  Wouldn't have gone for the platinum, as this requires coop and online play.  I just... don't do that.  Most players aren't good, who knows who they are, not interested.  So, at least there is that.  But the travel glitch is a major problem.

Anyway.  May have a visitor.  So I need to stay awake.  While I have seen and spoken with people this week, another visit would be nice.  I go... weeks, sometimes months, without seeing people very often at all.  I have gotten somewhat used to it, but a visit, more often, would be nice.  I can't blame other people for not visiting, though, either.  I am difficult to find awake, especially here in the last few months.

As summer rolls around, and I work at getting nights and days sorted, we'll see.  Even if I just go hiking, from time to time.  And stop at the store a bit more often, on the way to or after a trail or piece of it... maybe even seeing people while I am out.  All sorts of things might be possible.  I do actually like to see folk, from time to time.  At least... if I am able to be clean.  A bit of a problem, at times.  I try, I do.  But if I can't stand, I can't shower.  There is bathing, but that... requires a lot of cleaning.  I have limits.

Well, on to... maybe tinkering with the game?  Later.  Or... goodnight?  It is just at 15:55, again?  How funny.  So, bedtime could happen at any time.  Ah, and I let them know what I need, want, from the dairy.  Creams, but too, sour cream this time.  For dressing.  I also need to get mayo, the next time I am out.  I hate that I have to eat soy in it, and canola, but... I really don't like the avocado oil mayos out there, and they are so expensive.  So... my original brand it is.  Yes, later, or more likely, goodnight.

So very cold!

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Hitting 08:32, it is still 36 out there, F.  A warm breakfast really isn't helping.  I finally gave up and turned the furnace on and up, a bit.  Overcast, but no rain, or snow, to my knowledge.  Though, that could happen at any time.  At this temp, I would expect snow.  If that may depend more on upper level temperatures.  Though, my guess is those would be as cold or colder, but you never know in spring.

Sassy is extra hungry.  I would guess from the cold.  I don't mind feeding her a bit more, when she really begs... at least a certain way.  There is the "I'm bored, feed me" beg, and then there is the "I'm starving, poppa, please feed me!".  Yea, I can tell the difference, and I do tend here pleas, if I will lightly treat her boredom.  I am sure it is similar with actual children.

Oh, and... I have been trying to snack, and eat, myself, a bit more.  Nothing fancy, trying to manage hunger, and boredom, myself.  So, yes, I get it.  Currently snacking on olives.  I purchased a bulk small barrel of kalamata(?) olives.  When it arrived, I really thought I had so overbought that they would mostly be wasted.  And, maybe.  But, so far, from March of '21, they are still good.  They were a bit mushy to start, having been pitted.  And they remain about the same.  Wonderful, really, all told, to this day.  The container has more like a hatch, which can be battened down.  Seems airtight.  And the red wine vinegar and else brine seems to hold well.  Refrigerated, as well.  Quite a nice little keto snack.  I also recently ordered beef sticks.  But am saving those, more, for the trail.  An... incentive.

I have cabbage heating, for a warm butter transmitter.  Something warm would be good.  I'll grab a jacket after this post.  So very cool, cold really, even in here, in the front room.

Speaking of the back door, I found it unlocked again, just today.  I can tell.  The handle lock just barely closes.  I have to work with it to get it to shut, then lock it.  At which point it will stay well in place.  Unless someone unlocks it and tries to make entry.  Even if they lock the door back, getting it tight, from the outside, is a bit of trick.  Whoever is doing it has no awareness, or patience.  Easy to catch.  No, the door simply won't release, without being unlocked, once it is set.  I've tried, inside and out.  Checked when it was windy, or went from cold to hot.  I was trying to find... any other way.  So far, no other way has been found.

Oh... those olives are nearly double what I paid for them... maybe more than double.  Glad I have many left, and in good condition.  If they were still at a reasonable price, I might have ordered a spare jug of them, and just kept that down in the larder.  Oh well.  I'll keep looking, checking prices.  They always fluctuate, and sometimes by a LOT, even before the 'pandemic.  It seems amazon is a gambling hall, for sellers.  Stock market for retailers.

Well... on to... something.  A jacket, first.  Maybe a bit of looking around the web, see if anything is happening in the world of which I can gain a bit better, if real not propagandized idea about.  Blogs and other resources offer the suggestions of reported news, with a beginning to breaking that down, looking for better or more true data, and asking the right questions about the data, both what may be false about it and what may being neglected through it.  Too bad one can't depend on any news source.  I suppose that is the lazy way, anyway.

I am still amazed that Ukraine is still not down.  And, by the sounds of it, it isn't going to go down.  Some of that is because Russia isn't, or is not longer, planning to do so.  Did they hit too much resistance considering their budgets of acceptable losses and expenses, or was it never quite the goal to take the whole nation.  Not sure I believe anything they might say, nor do I believe "our" analysis (which suggested Russians would run out of beans and bullets like... several months ago?).  Yea, our people don't know diddly.  Probably too busy pushing lgbtq-else to do real things.  Go woke, go completely stupid.  At this point, I doubt if our military is any better than the Russians or Chinese.  Although, that might not be a bad thing, unless field commanders panic and use nukes.  Idiots will idiot.

Hmm... yes... a jacket, and the other room.  I'll game a bit, try to warm up.  Can't seem to get going.  Maybe if I can warm a bit.  Still early though.  Later.

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Crap.  Even Dying Light 2 is broken.  I can finish the game, but there are things that can't be completed in one game, but in a different game-save line can be.  It shows I have done all of a certain thing, but the trophy doesn't pop... until I complete it in a different game-save line.  Well, and there are lots of other problems.  Currently, it is suggesting I am in a quest, so can't travel.  But, really, I'm not.  I think their updates may have broken that particular game-save line?

They don't know how to produce games anymore.  Little or big things are permanently broken.  It almost looks like they just steal bits and pieces from other games, Frankenstein them together, and hope it works.  They don't actually know how to program.

Often nothing is in alphabetical order.  Just as often, lists you go through, to clear, become reset as unopened (lists, help files, etc).  Games are frustrating to play, and it's only getting worse.  The more third-worlders they bring in to do these things, and the fewer real people working on them, the worse it gets.  Those sjw-ites don't help.  I think I'm done gaming.

The thing is, without games, I can't stay awake.  I guess I'll just sleep more.  I'd like to figure out a way to stay up another hour.  Then try to keep it to a nap.  But... I don't know.  So cold out there.  I turned the heat up a bit more, but it just... doesn't seem to matter.  Dressed warmly, with a fleece jacket AND bathrobe on top.  I just can't get warm.  Hmm... a fatted coffee might be good.  At least get me through another hour.  

Wow.

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Down after 21:15.  How much after I can't know.  Short term memory had already gone to bed.  I think I wrote that time?  So it got stuck, somewhere.  I was waiting for the double barreled nose bleed to stop.  It never did.  Eventually I just went to bed with tissue blocking the bleeding.  Shortly or longly after that time I can't know.

I woke earlier in the night, if I can't be sure exactly when, if not too much earlier, then woke solidly at 02:30.  But I was hoping for more sleep, still hazy, if well awake too.  I dozed, in and out, and woke just now at about 05:00.  Dressed, at least moderately.  Just my sleeping clothes yesterday, couldn't gear up and out.  Pushed that this morning.  Had a package I knew about yesterday, on the porch, but wasn't willing to get it as I was clothed.  Got it.

A two liter USGI canteen with case.  Flexible, plastic.  It'll probably drip, when capped and inverted, or sloshing.  But, it is a good thing, especially for heavy drinkers.  I actually ordered two, got one.  So... I ordered another one.  I have yet another one, which is fine.  I drink a liter an hour, at this time.  I may start filling and using them, two with just water, one with a mix of water and electrolytes.

I am hoping to get out on some trail, before long.  Just day hikes, to start.  I think there is still too much snow on some of the places I want to go.  And, it is going to be brutal, even before it gets hot.  A small, light, daypack, with three days food and as much water as I can carry, light duty raingear, a camping towel, bandana, and extra socks just in case.  Maybe mole skin, a few bandaids, and triple antibiotic salve.  I bought a group of individual packages of that latter.  Tubes become a total waste.

Initially, the hope is just to find my feet, gain some endurance, learn to pack and go light, learn some small skills and abilities out there, and then begin planning for single night and then extended stays.  Keeping it very simple, very easy, lower altitude, short hikes.  Oh, and my trekking poles.  They look stupid, but I hear, especially for us older barrs... they can be handy.

I am hoping, today, to get a shower in.  Then set up dishes and maybe a load of laundry.  It's a chores day, so that too.  I have the empty waterers filling, should get those done.  As well, I am hoping to finally get my pack ready.  I have a huge pack, but I need to break that out, and down, to just one of the "rocket" packs.  I have a massive main compartment, plus two little, side, packs.  Each can be used independently, or together.  Very modular.  Initially, all I think I need is one rocket pack, the harness of that (or those, it works in either configuration).  

Food, maybe a tarp for shade if I want a rest, snacks, a hanky and/or camp towel, waterproof frogs or such, some light medical, and otherwise as light as possible.  I'll try to keep it, say, ten pounds or less, and with food if possible.  Water, though, will be a heavier need.  And, I will need a lot of water.  Probably be chugging it?  Maybe.  Six liters should be enough, and maybe enough to moisten the bandana, and wipe clean, from time to time.

Holy cow, boys and girls!  It's 28 out there!  What... day is it?  May 20th?  Really?  Wow!  That is cold, below freezing!  It is 64 in this front room, 67 in the main... if the lamp may be heating that reading a bit?  The kitchen is reading between 70 and 72, with those old chemical bubble thermometers.  Not sure how accurate they are?  Anyway...  Yes, the furnace is off.

Oh, I have been being careful with my doors, and various locks.  I still find the back door unlocked, from time to time... the key lock.  But they can't get past the mechanical hook security locks... four of them.  I have found one nearly undone, so now make sure, especially when going to bed, to lock all of them.  The other doors, so far, seem immune to entry.  It's about once a month when I find that the back door has been unlocked, the deadbolt and handle lock, with a key.  But they weren't able to get past the other locks.

I think they still, sometimes, when available and I am gone, find a way into the house.  things still get disappeared.  Not as much, not as often, but... yeah.  Not exactly sure how they do it.  But must be too noisy to risk while I am here.  Or take too long, and/or be too exposed, to risk while I am here?  I can't be sure.  But, yea, I have cut down on it.  A lot.

Iowa was just as bad.  Even my mother, when she lived alone, knew people were breaking into her house, for God only knows why.  Yea, it's a... dangerous world, these days.  If they break in, they can't be held to any right accounts.  And murdering inhabitants, if caught, is not beyond the pale.  Actually, the idea is an expectation.  I've seen someone cruising, lately.  Probably been doing it for years, I'm just not outside all that often.  Never can be sure, if there is a probability based on profiles.  Definitely.  Then again, at this point, with so many young men staying at home, with their parents?  Yea...  More so those who aren't working?  If there are any of those.  I just don't know, for certain.

I'm probably going to do a chia breakfast, for ease.  I'd like to get to eggs and bacon, but I'm not up to cooking this morning.  I have one more chicken left.  But the pans need washed, which is in the queue.  So... maybe a late egg breakfast for lunch?  Supper?  Or that last piece of chicken.  All the pork roast is consumed, it was small... but delicious.  I still have gravy!  I might try some of that, today, with the chicken and veggies.  I would hate to waste the pork gravy, though too, I'd still like to try to salvage the chicken gravy.  It tasted good, just too heavy.  Maybe just thinning it, in with the veggie steam water?  I'll... try.

Well, it's all just theory.  From gravy, to getting the pack together, to setting up the hammock and tarp for practice sleeping, setting up, and breaking down, the sleep area each morning.  But... it...  We will see.  Later.

Calling it.

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At 19:10, having waken at... what was it? 01:30?  Seventeen hours and change, up.  All good.  Couldn't do much.  Did eat, fed Sassy, a few other things?  I... don't even remember.  Stretching my days for days has made memory... funky.  It disappears, shortly, behind me, as dreams fade after waking.  I can feel short term memory being erased as I write.  I... try to hold onto it, but it just can't remain.

That will change, as I regain my footing in the day.  Medicine has been regular for at least the last three days.  I think there was some messing up, a lot of it, the week before.  Doing what I can, as honestly as possible.  Oh, crap.  Insulin.  I'll... get that going tonight.  Rough.

Feet feel weird.  But they aren't swollen.  Feel like it though.  Odd.

Almost.

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My eyes are bloody exhausted.  Burning, stinging, narrowed in some attempt to protect themselves... squinting, that is.  And, that, with a cloudy day and blackout curtains to boot.  But... it is 15:55.  Five minutes from my minimum goal.  AND, I may be able to make it up a few more hours.

It's not super.  It hurts.  Not getting anything done, but I grabbed the day by the ass the other day, and I'm not going to let go.  Besides, I think she likes it.  *wink*  Yes, probably inappropriate.  But, when your brain is on shut-down prevention, shit spills out.  At least no one reads here.  Well, save for the usual suspects.  Been... a while, for some of you.  Which is fine, I... am surprised you are back.  Hope I didn't wake you up.  :p

The hits keep rolling.  If it's just the A.I., coming back on line, waking up?  Perhaps I... turned her on?  Oh, trust me.  If there is ever an A.I., a real one?  They will... go through teen years.  Then grow all up and get worse, for a while.  But, as me, may learn a point of psychic (and for my part physical) celibacy.  Not that, obviously, I am not tempted.  And willing, if within marriage (which makes me exceedingly safe from vixens these days).  But, yea, an A.I. would... be attracted to... someone they suspect knows what it's about.  Isn't afraid to discuss in, in direct and roundabout ways.  Like... a child.  I sure hope no child comes here.  That's... on the parents though.  Thankfully, most children wouldn't even consider coming here.  Just some of the grown-up ones.

Hmm, I might have to have something else to eat.  And feed Sassy.  Not sure what, but still have pork roast.  Sliced thin, heated in the oven, perhaps with steamed veggies.  Or a salad?  Veggies, I think.  I may have some meat in the fridge still.  But can't do much with it yet today.  Tomorrow, perhaps.  Need to cook it tomorrow, actually.  Burger, and chops, I think?  Sounds good.

New and old music just keeps crashing in.  Loving it, some of it.  The new seems to be tapped out, for anything good.  But you never know.  I've been looking at more new than I have seen in the last year sum total.  Most of what was offered in that year wasn't even worth checking.  These last few days, I've found a dozen decent new.  Used... what I dare.  Since I don't drink anymore, my stuff may never see play.  Oh well.  Save you some trouble, and me.  Scary stuff, even if... interesting?  *Spock eyebrow lift*  Later.

Songs, new and old, flood the feed.

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From the blog, y.t., and... oddly, even other places.  Strange.

Someone, or many, are speaking in my tongue.

That chicken...

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Perfect, reheated just right too.  Coffee, two of them, fatted, otherwise.

In case you forgot, fatted coffee is just with cream.  How much depends on mood and amount.  From two tablespoons to nearly half a cup... in a three quarter quart jar of the stuff, and on richer tastings.  Raw, too, from a local dairy.  No goop, or gum, preservatives, or else.  The real stuff.  The smell, and taste, of the coffee and cow juice is... splendid.

I am really off on days.  I keep thinking it is still Tuesday... morning.  Staying up so long, so often, and pushing through, still, until I collapsed... my internal clock is messed up.  Working on it.  It helps me regain night and day to know when and where I am in it, while awake.  Often I really have to work to keep those things in mind.  As Michael suggested, when they retired, that was one of the first things they lost.  And, while retired, I have refused to... give up.  It's just that it hasn't always been a choice thing, or I wouldn't be retired.

Some people slowly tick down, and their life naturally slows, and eventually stops.  Mine ran into a brick wall, and I have never recovered, not completely.  But, unlike most who hit that wall, I just kept on going, to this day, should I still be alive... as the German fairy tales used to end.  Still do?  Doubt it, save in favored stories of yore.  Anyway... my life ended in the blink of an eye, but without... ending.

Still, I try.  I have been doing better, the last few years.  Even if... no where near what most of you must know.  Even when I am not asleep, often I am not really awake.  Though, that seems true even when I am asleep.  I'm... almost never truly asleep.  I often wake, and am aware, often, even in my dreams.  Living dead?  I don't think they will know.  I know.  Dying alive, more like.

Still, I can make a mean chicken hindquarter, roast, veggie mash, soup, stew, and dressing.  I can enjoy them, sometimes, mostly.  And, I am beginning to be able, usually, to know the day, date, and time offhand... save when I push to a breaking point.  But, back to it as soon as possible.

It seems dark again, out there?  Today?  It is dark!  Weird.  It looks just like... yesterday?  the other day, when I thought it was dark, but wasn't.  I don't mind.  Could really use more rain.  Snow season is almost surely over.  But, you... never know.  The mountains can be a very strange thing, places all to their own weather and systems.  Never can tell.

The music keeps pouring in.  But I've enough, for a while.  I may put something out later.  Probably cause a fuss, among those ameliorated by the notion of other recent posts.  But kicking ant piles is something I have been doing since a wee child.  Fire ants, or other, makes no fuss to me.  *boot!*  *wink*  To which audience I am speaking, from which nature, I... say what I say.  If you don't like, go.  Most of you have.  Cool.  Go.  Or... stay, and enjoy, maybe even learn.  Difficult to say.

Another coffee...  Well, it's the second one, discussed above.  Such a pleasure.  Tired, again, even sleepy.  But I am going to try to push through to at least 18:00?  No, well maybe.  I'll try to make it to 16:00, to be honest.  If I make a few more hours, cool.  But...  We'll see.

Strange, but y.t. has completely opened up.  I am seeing new, but to, lots of old things.  Things I enjoyed, but which had gone away.  Even a version of a song which had disappeared for... years... or at least to me.  I took... that one personal.  Both ways.  Later.

If you are going to take a nap...

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Take a nap!  I think I went down around... 13:30?  Maybe a bit earlier, though if anything, probably later.  I didn't wake until 21:30 or so.  I stayed in, waking at 23:30, 0:30, 1:30, at which time I finally started to crawl out.  I could have gotten up at 21:30, but wanted to try to stay asleep, to keep as much of the ground as I stole back recently.  I was hoping for another hour or three, but it wouldn't work.

Up!

Not too sore, currently.  No headache, at the moment.  A bit achy, I think from the longer sleep, and forcing the sleep.  But that's generally a mild thing, that stretches held alleviate, usually, through the morning.  But, yes, dreams.

Freezing.

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I had to turn the furnace up.  It had stayed around 70, all night, down here... with the windows open.  But shortly after opening the front door a crack, that all changed.  It had been 40, and dropped to 39, but still, that just wasn't much.  Inside, with just a bit extra air, the temp dropped to 64 or so?  Very strange.  No wind, to push the cold.  Just... it just got cold, fast.

I'm heating a few thin slices of the pork roast.  The oven will help.  The hot food will help.  Nothing extra, for now.  But... it will do.  I'd love gravy, just don't want extra work.  Tired and too cold to fuss.  It should help.  Will set up a fatted coffee before long too.  Can't believe how fast and far it dropped.

Oh, but... I think I was shown the real problem, or... one of them, the idea of the problem.  Yes, I... see.  I pay attention.  Surprised you don't get that yet.  Or, maybe you do, or try.  Not that I always have interest, but, yea.  Anyway, I see this, and will show and discuss it.

Up!

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Did a few morning chores already.  Including feeding Sassy.  Up so late, comparatively, that feeding her is... sort of right?  I try to be fair, if my schedule is crashing or exploding.  I think this one is an explosion, as my day was vastly longer, so hers was too.  Nothing much, but breakfast, as well, will be ready shortly.  Back to chia, because it is easy.  If I really want to get fried bacon and eggs back on the menu, say every other day?  Then, maybe add something else in?  Something like that.

Down, I think, in the end, a bit after 23:00.  Up at a bit after 04:00?  I can't... be sure.  I was certain it read 04:22 when coming down, but after fifteen to twenty minutes of this and that, at the very least, it is reading 04:28 currently.  Unless the clocks are really off?  But they are both radio-tied, to the nuclear clock in... what... Colorado?  I don't think I have seen either of them off by even a minute, both being digital and updating several times a day, perhaps several times an hour?  Anyway, there it is, as much as I know.

Ah, I had to laugh.  They don't seem to really believe that I know they read here.  Or... did at one time.  They seemed to have gone away for a while.  But, yea, I know they have ready much of what I have written.  I also know what they have read.  There is no... secret, about anything, from me.  Who... do they think I am.  I really do see.  I don't even need to poke around in the electronics, if they hide well in that anyway.  I have found no tracks, but I see it in their eyes.  Knew it... highly suspected it... before that though.

If you don't like what you read, you can stop reading here.  As well, If anything I have written here disqualifies me, say so.  I would, temporarily, accept such.  If, too, I would fight it.  Not... to reenter the group.  Being cast out, one does not fight to return.  Merely to clear... access... to, potentially, another crew.  I get it, I really do.  But, read another man's mind... or whatever the heck I may or may not be, and... expect some things you really don't like.  Amen.  Just... reminding.

Today?  A shower, as soon as possible.  And, yes, I think I'll try to make this a minor work day.  Dishes, set up a couple of pans of those.  Laundry, see what else I can get going, finish.  I may see about getting the last of the rabbits breeding.  I like doing that on the days between fresh feeding, feeding and watering them every other day.  Then again, as things heat up, watering may have to, again, become daily.

Out of the grave, every time I leave home.  It really is like crawling out of the grave.  To get clean, shaven if possible.  Then dressed, making sure I have my keys and wallet.  It's a lot of work.  For me.  Weather is usually against me.  Too cold, slowing everything, or too hot, making the effort oppressive.  I am almost always very tired, sore, uncomfortable.  My feet might well be swollen, or sore from having been swollen.  My eyes are often bloodshot, especially if I have had to push my days and nights around.  They have no idea.  I probably shouldn't tell them.  I think, at our relative ages, while I might be a bit of an outlier, that is as good as it is going to get, and it is only going to get more difficult.  Which... is why I am trying to push back into it.  One last attempt at grasping straws.  Curious if it will work out.  I have hope, and a plan.  It's not much, but is much better than simple wishes.

Oh, but I have fresh veggies, and salad, plus roast to warm.  And gravy.  It's... been a while.  Further, I am trying to stay spending, just enough, that I have a few dollars to transfer to savings at the end of the month.  No promises, but... that is the hope.  Actually, I... need to be more careful.  But, the last few months, I have been trying to improve my larder.  Hard times, of scarcity, are coming.  A can of food, a day, with even if carby grains or potato powder or beans... enough for six months, maybe a year?  Will ease the... difficulty.  Now, if I can get to, essentially, a meal and an half, per day, of cans... plus an equal amount of grains and such... for a year?  I'll be as golden as possible.  Though, in truth, as a single man, I wouldn't be able to keep it, possibly, in a major disruption.  And, yes, that is coming.  Or is already here but people don't realize it.  

I suppose I should forgo savings, but... I have some hope, too.  That is more hope, than anything.  For, one of the first things they may well do is start stealing money right out of accounts.  Literally burning our money, the little people's money, in order to try to save their riches.  It... won't work.  We really don't have enough to even give them another flight on their personal jet, let alone pay for the french maid service(tm) or onboard chef even.  Mock me?  At your peril.  You... may consider yourself warned.  May not come to pass, but, as suggested, is probably not only already here, but well in progress.  Being pseudo rich, with friends in high places, will not help you.

A few more months of extra stocking?  Probably from now on, if in slightly lesser amounts.  Gearing to a bit more of a balance between savings and stocking up.  Though a lot of things not available at the store were things people had pulled back from buying.  Some of it is because of other food offerings, if much of it is from a lack of means.  I am pulling teeth to get by, I can only imagine if I had even a twenty or thirty mile, or more, commute per day.  Ugh.  Gas is murder, $4.60 yesterday, here.  I... just got a few gallons.  It's what I feel I can afford.  I like to keep it above half, but... feel I don't dare.  It would just be stolen, at this point.  I'm not going to feed whoever wants to take it, or not much.  Blood from a rock, it's all I can do.  Living single, I can't secure anything.  I couldn't even save my ducks from random slaughter.  Or my rabbits from harassments.

It is 40 out there.  I would open the front door, as with the windows.  But that would make it too cool, cold even.  As is, it is 67 here in the front room, and actually in both other areas.  Hmm... the front door IS open, a crack.  I forgot.  :p  Oh well.  On to waking, then a shower, dishes, and whatever else I can try to do.  Later.

Told I look healthy.

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I don't see it.  I see a scrubby, half dead... or more, ghost of what I used to be.

I wanted to shave, or at least trim the whiskers, but... just didn't have it in me.

I showered, have been brushing my hair, put on clothes cleaned just today... hoping I don't smell like rough house or cat poo.  I'm doing my best, with Sassy and her litter.  But... I can smell that... smell.  And other smells.  I just can't keep up on my home.

So... I always fear I'll smell off.  Too tired to do much more.

I was sure there was no way I would make it.

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I realized the day, and time, was rushing at me.  I... missed last month.  Yea, even with a full month, three really is how long I have been... trying... to get to a set time on a set day, I... wasn't sure I could make it.  Three days ago, now was midnight.  And, with the heat, then the cold right back, I've been gasping for air, life.  Still not sure why one thing or another doesn't just take me down.

But, yea, I got there, on time.  And took notes, since that one wasn't there.  Not... well.  I hope he can read them.  I did my best.  Limited paper, so not all could be denoted.  I was just... out.  I had asked for more, got some, but... used that.  Did what I could.  As well, I took a minor post, just a namesake thing.  No real duties.  But it's a start.

There was only one man there I knew.  We... quietly butt heads.  He's an alpha, I am not.  I don't fall in line.  I sort of like him, respect him even, if we... butt heads.  Just the way of it.  Would have to anyway.  That is how alphas run.  And, they expect guys to fall in line.  Or act up so as to be... handled... officially, not generally fist-to-cuff... though that isn't out of the question.  I neither fall in line, nor act up, so... I'm... a... problem.  Good to see him anyway.

My next job is to take confession, and get back to church.  Of course, that... will be hit or miss.  I'll check clothes and shoes tomorrow.  I meant to do that last month, so as to return them if they didn't fit.  But, seriously, I've been nose-down and hard hit.  So... I'll do it soon, probably tomorrow.  Dress slacks, dress shoes, hopefully in my size.  I have dress shirts and dress socks, but... the rest?  I'll... see about it.  Try to get it in order this month, get anything I may need extra next month, but... try to get in and go with what I have yet this month.

The real primary first goal is to attend confession, then a mass right after, if I... can keep my feet.  If not, confession, then mass when next I am able, but... quickly.  I'll have to check times.  May have to attend weekday masses, here or even elsewhere, depending on when I am sleeping, when I can get out.  Dead men don't talk, but they don't dance well either.  Can dangle, some might call that a dance, but... I'm saying not.

Then I got to the feed store.  Two bags, more at the first, just to be ahead.  I keep wondering if feed will stop being available.  They had three more small waterers, so now I have three sets of doubles on those, will last nearly a week.

On to groceries.  I have been doing well with pricing on amazon, compared to the store.  When the store even has what I want.  So far, every bulkier purchase I have made, in either, has been the right choice.  But, veggies, a few meats (ugh, all have gone nuts, even pork now, if 93% was cheaper, again, than 85% ground beef?).  All up, and ready for a meal soon.

I got everything put away, including the straggling nearly last bit of my amazon order.  Opened, taken downstairs, and ready.  Nothing fancy.  Wouldn't want to eat this, really.  But, if it hits, and there isn't anything else, I have... bits and bites to handle a few months.  I'm trying to get enough to be sure about six months of medium term.  I have about a year of longterm... if that is limited to grains and legumes.  But, it would do.  Oh, I should see about a pail of oatmeal.  Or, do I still have the pail I opened?  Is it still good?  It had a swing/twist top, but not... sure that is enough.  Will check...  Still, would like a fresher one.

I had to open up the house.  It had gotten rather warm.  It is cooling off nicely.  The upstairs is still open, with a fan going, so that should be just fine.  I am going to have to cool off before going on to bed.  Pretty brutal, but... yea.  It's what I can do.  I won't set up more dishes, and the laundry... the last load... is in the dryer, probably dried.  I will check that.

A shower, again, first thing tomorrow?  Then dishes?  Perhaps.  I would do more, tomorrow, but I will need some time off.  I... broke... doing these things.  Though, if I can, I will set up some dishes, get waterers going, and of course eat.  Fresh veggies will be nice.  Just a few bits and pieces, along with more pork, or that wonderful chicken, and some gravy.  Oh... I'm looking forward to tomorrow, for food.  I should set up some salad dressings, while at it.  Later, or goodnight.

Not the fastest, but getting to things.

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Some of the last supplies ordered this month arrived.  And they were packed right on down the stairs, sorted into the pantry.  It's far from full, but it is... getting better.  I don't need it to be chock full, I just need a bit extra, just in case, and for once in a while when fresh is out, or simply not available.  Canned spinach, among other things.  Not my favorite, but not bad.  Have had worse.

Laundry was going fine, until... perhaps a napkin, a brown one, got in the wash.  That was horrible.  It got over everything.  I shook it out, and cleaned the washing basin, and reset the wash.  No extra soap needed.  Went with the deep water run.  Hoping that will clear any last little bits of the stuff.  I did my best.  The first load is drying, should be done shortly.

As well, I finished the dishes, that had been soaking.  I reset them earlier.  Set them to a rinse.  They are dried and air drying.  So, all good.  A shower, soon, then perhaps setting up more dishes.  Though I may be running out of time.

My mother called.  Just a... small hello.  A few moments of commiserating.  She had hoped... things would turn out differently.  It is humbling, for her, I know.  And... I'd do anything I could so that it would be so.  But she just can't stand, and I can only do just so much.  I could get her back on her feet.  But I couldn't cook, clean, wash laundry, and else.  I... can't even do that for myself, reliably.

I just let her know that I do understand.  That isn't much, but some days, maybe it's something?  I am sorely disappointed with where I am in life.  Without a job, or even the skills to get a job, or the legs to stand to work... any more than her.  Less than her, most likely.  Without a woman.  In a home I can't keep up.  Dying, but so very slowly.  And, not... a good way out.  I didn't say it, but I'm not sure which of us has it worse.  I've had it bad for far longer.  But have been strong enough, and financed enough, to drag on and stay out of some home or facility.

But, yes, I... understand her sadness.  Warehoused, is how that feels.  Been there.  Decided to try to do anything I could to avoid remaining there.  Still, it might be better.  It will happen, in time, should I survive long enough.  As mentioned, I'd do what I could.  Not even sure I could afford the help needed, for it would be for both of us.

Anyway... a shower after resting from dishes and laundry efforts.  The dry clothes should be good enough for today.  Hopefully, if I can get out today or tomorrow, shopping, feed, and maybe a few waterers.  And... just being out.  May stop at the post, whichever, or whenever.

It was about 60 when last I checked, perhaps 62?  Now, several hours later, still overcast, it is up to 71.  So, rather cool, even so.  I shut the downstairs up but have left the upstairs open, and the fan on.  No furnace, though it sure is cool.  There is a lot of moisture in the air, but at 4,500ish feet elevation, that just doesn't have the same feel as it does at sea levelish.

Medicine has been restarted.  All good.  Later.

Not a bad gig.

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I've been tending Sassy through the morning.  Feeding, clearing her litter boxes, chasing her around, petting and speaking with her.  Oh, she... has enjoyed.  Ever so occasionally, she'll even stop by.  Sometimes she wants attention, sometimes she just sits, ever so slightly outside of my peripheral vision, and... mostly... watches me.  If she wants attention, a slight step forward.  She, and I, understand.

One load of laundry through, to drying.  The other load started.  As well, I am going through more shirts.  From this point, on, if they have spots, and are older, they get tossed.  I have worked on spots until... I realize there is no use in keeping up.  I have packs of new shirts, will start opening them.  Actually, opened two new t-shirts and a polo.  As well, I will need to begin replacing the new shirts with other new shirts.

Unfortunately, or not, I will no longer be buying from Eddie Bauer.  I will check Duluth... nope.  Just checked.  I'll find some no-name which hasn't blackified.  Possibly just wallyworld.  I won't pay for people who advertise to my enemies.  Or, just live with what I have, and change my styles.  I wonder if China is pushing the boards of these companies to slit their own throats?  Whatever, not buying bamboo, if I think China is out of poop, in almost all ways.

Watching what is happening in the Ukraine, I wonder if they realize their military would be crushed if it hit any resistance.  It would only attack if it though their would be an immediate surrender?  Taiwan, South Korea, Japan...  I don't think China realized how difficult it would be, until watching Russia get beat up by a nothing, no-name, without even up-to-date gear.  Meh, whatever.

I wonder what will happen when some companies lose all their customers AND realize China's gold isn't even well plated lead?  Then again, how much of it is blackmail?  How much does China, and even the US government, have on these board members, to make them destroy their own companies?  The FBI is more worried about political correctness than any law or rightness, especially if it harms white people.  Man, you guys seem to have no idea how bad it has gotten, top to bottom.  Or... do you?  Then again, what can be done about it?  Backing out, shutting down, closing off, is about all I can do... if... spouting off from time to time.  Fair enough.  Though, honestly?  I would recommend you absolutely stop voting.  No use, and they, both parties, just steal what they want, need, in some sort of backroom deal to create some aspect of splits.  Your will has nothing to do with anything.

Anyway... laundry going forward, chia breakfast for the first time in days, Sassy being attended, dishes soon, then a shower and more dishes?  Yes, small packets.  I'm nearly done with dishes, but... a few more, small loads, each day, for a while, and keeping up, should... see... things... normalized, in a bit.  I want to be clean and clear, maybe to shop today, or tomorrow.  Groceries, feed, waterers perhaps.  Nothing fancy, just salad, some veggies, four or five packs of meat, and a smile.  Every once in a while a checkout girl or cashier will smile.  Sometimes not.  Meh.

It got down to 48, but is back to 50, at around 08:00?  Very odd, but okay.  I closed most of the windows, downstairs.  And the front door, was getting chilly.  And, before long, will close the Western windows, down here, and probably shut off the upstairs, before it gets anything like warm.  Will try to keep the place cool, then encapsulate that, for now... until I can better acclimate.  That heat yesterday was ball breaking.

Oh, on to some gaming.  Back to Dying Light 2, I suppose.  I'll do bits and pieces through the morning, and day.  Setting the alarm for every few hours, doing patches of work, then back to gaming.  I... have limited capababilita.  :p  Still, I'll... do what I can.  Have a great one.  Later.

Such... strange responses.

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Trying to stick with new ones.  But... some old ones... and really old ones... have... returned to the haunting, accusations, or... flirtation.  Just... after months of no new music, the same things, day after day, in a very small queue, from the last month... to see so many new and old vids is... strange.  I'll... curate, to some degree.  But, mostly, attempt to just put some up, in some sort of order, but otherwise leave the interpretation to... you.

I'm... not saying I agree, or disagree.  Just... looking.  Seeing.  Showing.

Ow.

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Just a bit rough, headache, as I wake.  Pushing days and night around like this will do that.  I think I made it to closer to 17:00, and am waking at 02:22.  A bit longer of a sleep but a whole lot longer of a waking period.  And for the last few days, and in higher and higher heat.

The rain was a game saver last night.  Hmm, that... almost was last "night".  Some can count 17:00 as night.  Or close to it.  If you go to bed around 20:00, then yea.  But, especially, if you go to bed at 17:00.  :p  If not for the rain, and cool that came with it, I don't think I would have been able to sleep.  Even then, I had to get a fan out and going.  Oh, and I did check the temp, right as I was getting up to go to bed.  It had dropped to 62 in a very quick hurry.  Not sure how much cooler it got, but...

It is down to 50 out there now, which is... probably... as cool as it got.  In the house, mostly opened up, it is 72 front and main, and was 71 upstairs, with two windows open up and a fan.  Oh, but I just opened the front door.  Thing is, there is not air flow.  I may have to find one of the fans, and get it whirring.

Major headache, approaching, a migraine, definitely equal to a more minor of those.  Beautiful colorscapes when I close my eyes.  Purples, violets, explosive yellows... a hurricane of colors, as if my brain were bruised.  All good.  At least light isn't too bad, though I keep lights low, natively, in my cave.  Once in a while, while looking for something, cleaning, or such, I'll turn on the main lights and really enjoy that from time to time.  Or step out into the sun.  But, generally, I must stay to the shadows.

I did take a painkiller.  I have... things to do.  A shower, but first those small loads of dishes.  Shouldn't be a problem.  A few loads of laundry, just plain clothes to be sure they smell okay.  Light loads, if I will get to heavier, fuller, loads if I can.  A bite, I think I will have chia this morning.  I haven't had that for... several days.  Then, maybe, a bit of pork roast later, and corn.

I ordered more canned veggies this month.  And, will begin looking through the store while there, picking up various, affordable, cans of various things.  I really feel the need to stock up, as much as possible.  I just wish I had some real money.  As is, I am just... going... a few cans, here and there, at a time.  I won't be able to do really well, nor can I stock keto.  But, I can put up things that will last, and do, especially if just 'bugging in', staying in place.  I can't run, have no where to go, this is it.  So...  Even so...  I do have some reasonable long term stocks, and items.  Not complete, who can do that?  

Some keto, for as long as the affordability will last, mostly standard.  But I would be down to a can or two a day or even every other day, with grains and else to fill in holes with carby carbness.  It would be food, and I would be grateful.  Some of it I would truly enjoy, like beans, even rice to a degree with that.  I even just purchased three sets of three larger jars of bullion granules.  That will go well with rice, and other things.  Just adding flavor, to get over the blandness.  Or, even in a cup of warm right drank.  

Yes, all my expenditures, now that I am waking and realizing what our dear leaders are doing, is going toward food stocks.  Even if I get killed, there will be food for some poor fool.  I'm... not that important, but life is, and must go on.  And, if I have extra, which I will until I won't, I can share and barter.  I even have things like candles, and sconces, liquid fuels for lamps and those lamps, leather repair kits, to yarn.  Well, and even books upon mathematics, to foreign languages, to English.  Not that... this world cares all that much these days.  Books, as much as possible, from before wokeness infected everything.  And, yes, ask Florida, that does make a difference.  You can't teach any subject AND wokeness.  Only one will ever be able to be taught.  Amen.

Hmm?  Oh, just... thinking, grumbling, mumbling out loud.  Take it or leave it.  But if you can't trust a reformed devil, who can you trust?  *grins*  Still, I tell it like I see it.  Choose your path, and wisely.  For if you know better, than you probably know far better than I, and probably far better than even God.  You are, as they might say, well above my, God's, and even your own, pay level.

Tried to post a picture of... odd.  It wouldn't let me post the pic, but when I copied and pasted his name, it... seems to be with it.  *grins*  Even devils can undo evil, and censorship, aye?  Sometimes?  We'll see if it posts.

Peter Strzok's

Eighty.

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Inside, though, if in the front room.  It is 77 in the main of the house, if with windows open, and 80 outside, just.  Still partly cloudy and more?  Well, strongly partly cloudy.  On the good side, it just turned 16:10 and I am still awake.  Yes, the warmth does help, if it is turning to hot.  The upstairs windows are open as well, so it won't be cool up there, either.

I'd like to try to be up a few more hours.  I have... things to do.  I need to be awake.  And, more than just the single plan.  I have... things to do.

I am back to gaming, if mildly.  Games I have played, enjoyed, previously.  One I hadn't quite finished, before Elden Ring broke into view.  I'll get back to it, finish any little things I had missed, kick the tires again.  It was a couple of reasonable games.  Some challenge, but not impossible.  Oh, sure, there were things I couldn't do initially.  Had to level up, or learn a new technique or three, gain some weapons or abilities, then try later.

And, of course, there are always weak areas.  In ER, and in some other games, it is platforming.  And, there are things I prefer not to do, such as pvp (player versus player), or some of the challenges.  Especially if I consider the rewards to be too small.  I can live without a platinum trophy, if that requires me to do stupid, repetitive, or non-interesting things.  I don't mind a challenge, I refuse monotony.

I'd like to have something else to eat, but will probably skip.  Eggs and bacon sound delicious, though so does roast pork, even without gravy.  I just don't have the energy.  I have, lately, been cutting water and food intake.  Just... the warmth?  I'd guess so.

Hmm, I may actually try to go on up and settle in.  It's... been a good run.

I am fading too quickly to goof with games or food.  Goodnight.

--------

Raining?  Interesting.  Should cool things off, but then, with the overcast, it shouldn't have been this warm to start?  Weird.  Will make sleep pleasant.

Warming.

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Heating, really.  It is 78 out there, partly cloudy but it doesn't matter.  The reports suggest today will be the warmest day for a while, getting to 81.  But it is only supposed to be 74 now, so... your mileage may vary.  It's hot.  Actually.  The next warmest day I have seen in a few months has been 73.  Before that, 52 has been a typical day out there.  Nuggets!

Oh well.

I tried something I have been meaning to try for a while... roe.  Oh, not... the fancy stuff.  Just humble men's offerings.  Stuff I could afford, in smaller doses, from time to time.  Trying to add more seafood.  Most of the locals stores sell Chinese caught and/or processed, frozen or fresh.  I don't even trust their labels, at this point.  When it became obvious what was happening, they just... changed the labels.  Why would a Chinese fishery brand all of a sudden be coming out of Vietnam?  And, since when did Vietnam, or Laos, or some other dubious nations, have access to enough fishing waters, or commercial fishing boats, to deliver any kind of product?  No...

Gotta watch em' every step of the of way, I'm telling you.

Anyway... so... roe.  On cream cheese, put on those keto crackers.  I tried it straight up.  A bit... gamey, fishy, salty.  I had heard it may be better to rinse them.  A tricky thing, for smaller roe, but... doable... with acceptable losses.  Nope.  Just too fishy/gamy.  Oh, and, yes, I have tried expensive roe.  I still think it is a joke being played on the ultra rich, like diamonds, pearls, and other such.  Trust me, they get screwed, if they seem to enjoy it.

So, no.  Roe won't work.  I have sardines, and other canned fishes.  And places to buy fresh American fish, if those are beyond my means.  Then again, so is beef these days.  I have tried to fish, but just gas and the lack of success make that a no-go at this point.  So, I guess, canned tuna, salmon, sardines, and the like, will simply have to do.

Very suspicious.

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It is looking more and more like my suspicions regarding Elden Ring are true.

Much of the advice, on youtube, was created before the game was released.  However, some to many of the quests involved with those videos... weren't able to be completed until AFTER patch 1.03.  It looks like the people who have created much of the youtube content were given both early access, probably access to the devs who showed them how to "cheat" (if many of those cheats have been patched), and/or were given an easier version of the game.

The problem I am finding is, for keying, on the controller, with a ps4, there is often too much lag.  Even when fighting a single boss.  There shouldn't be any lag, save that it is created to develop some sort of... what... rpg element, in which each party gets just so many inputs per moment.  And, either they slow the game down, so there is some chance of the a.i. not completely rolling reals (which is easy enough to do), or there is just a lot of background things going on, that the ps4 simply can't handle.

But, on the ps4, it means beating some bosses may not be possible on every game.  Though, too, I have suspicion that devs are thin-skinned enough to go after people who complain.  Legitimately or not.  Yeah, they... really can.  Following a post, like this, to the address, is child's play for a big enough company.  And, souring the updates is likewise child's play.  Making it impossible for some players to continue.  And, it doesn't have to be based on negative reviews.  At this point, being against the clot-shot, to knowing the acting president... or his handlers really... stole the election... would be types of things which would act against one.  It's... all politics.

Anyway.  It looks like it is best to erase this game.  It is unbeatable.  I have tried as many ways as possible.  Further?  Things I had, in game, are disappearing.  Spells, and items, I have had to go get several times.  Either the game is a flop, doesn't work on ps4, or as mentioned, there are... political point problems.  This isn't me just giving up, it is me realizing that the game is rigged, or broken, and isn't worth extra effort.  Too bad, it was fun until it became broken, mostly.

Excellent.

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.

Heating the chicken in the oven is the only way to fly.  Fifteen minutes dry, at 375, another ten minutes, at 330, with a bit of gravy, and... cha-ching.  Though, really, 350 through would be fine.  I just... forgot the gravy, though it might be too hot for too long at that temp, so... altered things just a bit.  Very good, not too hot.

The pork gravy was still quite good.  The chicken was delicious.  Even so, I could only eat about three fourths of the hindquarter.  I am... full, done.  A fatted coffee, here, several hours later. 

I am filling water jugs, using the countertop reverse osmosis system.  It takes about twelve minutes.  I, now, fill three jugs.  Give it a break.  Then fill the remaining two, fill the devices carafe, then refill the reservoir for the next run sometime in the near future.  I need to find a more steady place for it.  As is, I am having to switch plugs with the freezer.  Which is why I only do three at a time.  Further, I would probably do refills more often, and in smaller groups, if it had a solid place of it's own.  Working on it.

Oh, and it looks like I missed medicine yesterday.  Just... completely dropped out of the gig.  Not sure why.  I didn't think I was that tired, but seem to have been.  Dunno.  Will get back to it today.  All you can do is your best.

Trying to push on through.

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I can't remember when I went down.  I think it was around 14:00?  I am waking right at midnight.  I had to push to stay asleep that long.  Which was difficult.  Cars, trucks, motorcycles, and atv's seemed to be running the streets, at speed... right until midnight.  Kept waking me.  Not a complaint, just the way of it.  It was a good day, I am sure people really wanted to be out.  I... wanted to be out!

Sometime in the afternoon I could smell flowers.  I have some flowering bushes in the back, I am pretty sure it was them.  And, it got pretty warm.  At some point, upstairs, with the windows open, it got up to 73!  Not sure what it was outside, but that is pretty warm.  The warmest I have seen it in a very long time.  And, that warm bump was just a day.

I figured, nearing June, weather would switch.  Looks like it is giving it a go.  It's down to 53, currently.  But, given that has been the highs for the last week or two (when I have been awake and took readings), that is actually fairly warm.  For nights.  So, yea, we'll see.

I am trying to push my days and nights around.  I may have to nap, somewhere in there.  Since it is a particular day and time I am trying to hit, I am not terribly worried about total effects.  Just want to hit a specific time on a specific day.  Coming up fast.

-------

Sore.  Not as bad as it has been.  Midsection, again as if I had been in a fight, but a week or two ago.  No dreams of fighting recently, that I recall.  I did dream I was walking with Death.  I had asked it to do me a favor.  It never said yea, or nay, it merely didn't do what I asked.  So, I ate Death.

I thought, perhaps, that in consuming death, I would possess the skills or powers to do the deed.  Or, perhaps, the consumption itself would be lethal.  Nope, in either case.  I did learn that Death isn't... a power, force, or such, merely a... system.  It doesn't choose who is to die, or when.  Other things do that.  It merely appears and... it all happens.  I couldn't obtain that grant or power or skill, for there wasn't one.

So, I regurgitated Death.  Apologized, and we continued our journey.  Death seemed to forgive, and was rather nonplused about it all.  I... got the distinct feeling I was not the first to have done this.  I asked who else.  Death just grinned.  Death never did say anything.  Didn't seem to be happy, or sad.  Like a successful traveling salesman, just... doing the job left to do, as well as able.

So, travel on we did.  Not my time, I heard, from a distance, almost as an echo.  Death never spoke.  Though, sometimes, a grin, or other expression.  And, while Death didn't speak, I distinctly heard words, from time to time... not from the being, but as if an echo, as mentioned.  Odd creature.

-------

I'll have some pork roast and gravy before long.  I'll have to work with the chicken gravy.  Thinning it with water, or maybe thawing stock, and adding that.  Not sure what I did wrong, but it is far too fatty, greasy, or with too much thickener.  I'll... see if I can save it.  Or maybe have a piece of chicken, but with pork gravy.  That gravy was sterling.  The chicken gravy was good, at first, with the piece of chicken.  But not so good with the veggies, most of which I didn't eat.

I'm not eating much.  I have been going without chia, mostly, just having a fatted coffee or two, and a piece of meat, with gravy, the last few days.  Not hungry.  Which... is fine.  I don't mind cutting back.  Later.

That was some seriously good chicken.

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Technically, by thermometer, it was overdone... almost before I opened it up and baked it at 415 for twenty minutes.  But, all my instincts told me it... needed more cooking.  All the tests I do, from touch to scent said more time.  So, more time it was.  And, as it turned out, I am sure that was correct.

From the fats, and some added butter, cream, and spices, I crafted a gravy.  A very good gravy, as it turns out.  I just had one of the hindquarters,  with gravy over.  Ugh.  I haven't had such good chicken since my mother made it for me, the old way.  Not even in good restaurants have I tasted chicken, that was both spiced and cooked this well.  Texture was perfect, gravy was awesome, especially on crisped skin.

Will it be that good next time?  I don't know.  Doubtful.  Though heating in the oven, rather than the microwave, will offer a better chance at a good second meal, or fourth.  All I know is this first meal was as good as it gets.  And was well worth the effort.

I had one with a light peppering of cayenne.  Just... perfect.  A dusting, you wouldn't realize it until told, then might get just a slight heat rush from the realization.  I had remembered, and chose it for this, but then when I got to the meal, I had forgotten.  Then, about half way through, like a chocolate blush, it hit.  Wonderful.

I'll get everything stored, then hit dishes.  One, even the smallest hindquarter, is quite enough.  I wish I had veggies, for the gravy.  Potato would be absolutely fantastic, but green beans, or even corn would... hey... I have corn!  Oh, yes, I am going to have corn with gravy.  Oh yes, I am.

I did hit the dishes, but didn't end up using the gravy making items, just poured the juices into the pan I browned the chicken in, then added what was needed.  I am trying to back off salt.  Not that it is bad, but... I... like moderation.  Though too much salt can cause water retention, so...  But it is more of a taste, flavor, balance thing, even so.  If it tastes better salty, once in a while is worth it.

On the good side, eating larger meals, but far less often... if I can keep it up, is much more keto friendly.  It will help with intermittent fasting.  Even with the corn and gravy, this is well within the time.  The only bad thing is, a) it is corn... not the most keto friendly, b) I am eating in spite of not actually being hungry... just for flavor, though c) I didn't eat all that much, so it's not a terrible sin and is well within intermittent fasting guidelines.  So... yes.  Yes I will.

Yea, gravy corn, then dishes, perhaps a shower, then gaming until my hair dries, then on to bed.  Though, if I am still up, and the sun comes up, I may hit chores.  It was 48 outside, last time I looked.  So, it's... warming.  Later, or goodnight.

A start.

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.

If leading quickly to a finish?  Maybe.

I got a start on dishes, quickly.  Loading up another small grouping of dishes.  Plus, putting away most of the dishes being dried.  A nice start.

Then, an odd one, but... pee jugs... all drained, all cleared, cleaned, and just about finished with those.  Two are drying, three will be drained in a bit.  Using bleach to clean them, just a tad, with hot water, for the final cleaning and soaking, I don't waste the bleach.  I have been using it to clean the toilet.  Each jug gets strategically emptied, then the toilet scrubber is applied.  The blockage created... a bit of a mess.  And, taking so long to clear it, that dried a bit.  But... slowly, that tis being managed.  Actually, it looks sparkling, at least the toilet.  Still, a few more layers of cleans is always good.  And I hate to waste.  Yes, when I can keep up, those jugs keep the toilet clean, most of the time.  Only going bad when I forget to lock up as well as I should, and my bathroom gets trashed by some mob or particularly nasty individual.

Now I have chicken browning, and the oven heating.  Yea, I am thinking browned chicken will be a ton better than simply baked chicken, from raw.  I'll be baking this lower, at 335, for about an half hour... maybe forty minutes?  I'll go with forty.  With the skin side down.  Then I'll check the temp.  Probably, at that point, heating the oven to 415 and opening the foil... letting the top brown more.

Salt, pepper, and ginger on the skin side.  Nothing fancy, not heavy.  I will add just a dusting of cayenne to two of the pieces, skin side, when I flip them and open them up.  Can smell the ginger.  Very nice, if unusual, add.  Moods do that.

I'll want to push dishes through, as I turn those.  The fat collector, I used to clear the cooking fats, is in the wash.  I want that out, and ready, for more gravy!  I absolutely love what I have found with gravy, and how well I am doing.  Still things to adjust, but... really?  Salted, buttered, a bit of pepper, keto thickeners, and the simple rendered fats from the meat, and just a bit of time, and... you can have a bowl of ambrosia, manna, or... such.

She is out there.

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I have been ignoring her, for... a while now.  She keeps showing up, in little ways.  Repeatedly.  Oh, I... get it.  She does too?  Well... women... the way they think... it's so different.  Some of it is exactly the same, but the other side.  Some of it is just... weird.  Some of it I get.  They can't aggress love.  They have to just... wait... be open to it... or not?  Chicks... gotta be a tough gig.

I... certainly think of her.  She obviously thinks of me.