Rough day, in some respects.

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I am failing at being even partially in control of my flesh. My hunger and exhaustion are having their way with me. I was able to fast during the day yesterday, but I could not keep my fast. I tried some of my old tricks (back when I would run out of food and did not want to go to the store). No dice. The alarm clock was a nice idea but I do not remember it going off, even though I set it for what is a respectable sleep period. I guess I sleep until I wake and I eat until I am full, if that last is not possible. I am hungry right after eating. Ackh, some days are just that way, some weeks it seems.

I do continue to read. My concentration has taken a hit, though, too. Still, I think most of it is going in. I am just a few books or less from the Old Testament prophecies section. I hope to have a clear mind when I get there. Though, what I have been reading has been translated poetry, for a long bit now, too. That, even if it rhymed and was lyrical, is not my forte. Prose is what I prefer, if I did enjoy much of the poetic (more so than I thought I would, at the very least, and sometimes I simply intellectually and spiritual swam in that pool). Perhaps, as we age, our tastes change. Much as I did not enjoy cabbage when I was young, so too poetry. I know I enjoy cabbage now, so I might have to give poetry a second reading.

I have been really enjoying reading the bible. It is one of the other non-bread foods which sustain me. I know, I have been reading fairly quickly. As I said though, this is only prepwork for a more serious study of the New Testament. I may read through that, again, just to refresh before studying. The Old Testament has many aspects to it which are more vital that I remembered. For me, next, will be a study involving the Old and New Testaments, New Testament study versions of the books, the Catechism, and perhaps a few other texts, well, tomes actually.

I am not trying to find where the Church is wrong, or where the bible is wrong. I am looking for where I am wrong. I trust the Church more than any man, and much more than myself. That does not mean I trust any man in it completely, or often at all. But the structure is correct and true. I have looked in or been a part of many other churches. I have pursued wisdom outside of any church. But the calling I started receiving in my teens, a thing I rejected, avoided, tried to twist to my advantage, and finally obeyed lead me to this Church. I am not quite as bad as Saul who came to be known as Paul, nor as good as he became, but I did cast my share of stones. I did persecute the Church. And, in my own way, I saw the light and heard the voice. I feared, and still do, the Church, and God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit through it and on the Triumvirate's own and in parts. I know, in some ways, the house of the Lord is the house of an enemy... of flesh, or the will to flesh. It is a tricky frightening thing to honestly agree to give up ones life. And that, in absolute truth, is required.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Come on man, have some fun, lighten up, live a little. And, though I do enjoy life, I try to not live for simple joys either. I would rather enjoy seeing some one tended than to enjoy a party. I would rather enjoy a hungry man fed than enjoy some luxury. I have not seen myself into much of that, but I know that is something I would really enjoy. Linking up with the Church is not the only way to do that but, for me, it is the best way. I can be more sure that such activities are cultivated and seed in a more proper way. And, really, even when I am unable to do much, I have more joy in my sorrow than some wealthy men have in their most luxuriant relaxations. Just so you know.

I am hoping this week is a little better than last. The medicine has still not arrived. Be that as it may, whatever happens, I will do my level best. If paranoia strikes, when I am able to see it, I will tend to that. I seem to get lost sometimes. I also seem to have a fine compass for those times, when I remember I have it and then realize I need to use it. On my little boat in the great sea of life, I do my level best. Who knows, I may actually get somewhere.

Looking over what the local college offers, I think I may go with aeronautic or mechanical engineering. The electrical engineering offered seems to be computer based, perhaps even software based. If I was to go into electrical engineering, I would most likely have preferred either communications or standard. Though I enjoy computers, I do not love them. I am pretty sure the computer industry is at or is reaching the point of standardization, where little more will be done. I think aeronautics has the sky still as the limit, and mechanical engineering offers a path into firearm design. Though nothing is ever certain, whatever degree one might earn.

A food here, that I only occasionally consumed in Iowa, which I have grown to love is lamb. No worries, beef is still my preferred meat. And pork will not leave my larder either. It is simply pleasant to have one more good option for the table. I like chicken, but much of it in the store is somewhat questionable while that which is definitely good is far too expensive. In time, as I move in, perhaps I will find neighbors who raise chickens or do so myself (and rabbits?). This winter I start looking for a house. With the way things are going, that is quite a fear generating prospect. However, I do not wish to rent the rest of my life, to live in the city, I need a place to put down roots. My own castle, a place of safety, refuge, and relaxation. And lamb. Though reading the bible has sure increased my interest in lamb, I had the interest for some time now. It is so rich, sweet, and delicious!

Good night, D.C., Enemy, and whoever else might be out there.

Oh, I slept alright.

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Shortly after that last post, I realized today is Friday. None of the places I needed to go where open. So, I thought I would read. Nope. I do not even remember putting the bible down. It is marked, but uhm... I did not get a call, so I do not think the landlady was by to show the apartment. But wow did I sleep. Usually I can miss a day of sleep. Not right now, I cannot stay up more than 4 extra hours. I can neither sleep long, well, or miss it.

Tomorrow is shoot day. I will take my .22 pistol, and maybe the other rifle. The Henry will just have to wait until it can be sighted in. I thought about talking to the reps, but it seems, after having someone else shoot it at a closer range, that it does group well. Shooting 100 or more rounds through it in a short amount of time might also make it not group so well also. And, free standing firing on top of the number of rounds, that many times, also tends to throw one's aim off. Yeah, okay, I am foolish sometimes. Even if I freely admit it, that I have to is embarrassing. Well, then and again, at least I have shame.

I am going to fast today and tomorrow. Or, try as I might. My hungers are just explosive. They have been for a day or two or even three. Along with exhaustion, the need for sleep, and the inability to sleep well, life got a little tight there. Someone from Iowa may be thinking I am thinking they are a problem. They probably do not even read here. Ha! But I saw the problem and am getting it in check. What are you looking at? At least it is not the bad kind. And, yes, there is a bad kind. I simply get my shorts in a wad and hide, maybe cast aspersions.

More water is needed, less food too. I have been eating 4 or 5 meals a day, and still was not satisfying the hunger. Fasting, if I can, might make the hunger manageable again. If nothing else, if I can do it, it will keep me from eating for a few days. No medicine has arrived, and I hate the idea, now that I am weened from it, of going back on it. This time I will be adding a water pill. More water is definitely on the menu. And more fumbling in the darkness of re-addiction. I really am sensitive to medicine, and really to any major changes. How much is from being pampered in disability and how much is disability or physiology I may never know. I do not think about these things all the time. But I do need to keep some kind of checks and balances going on that stuff. And, while doing that, I look for ways around those things. Every little trick to keep the rig on the road, I suppose.

Hiking is in the plans next week, if I can get the other things I need done completed. And, on the 21st, a new steak house opens. I really want to go, but if it is too busy, I may wait until calmer slower days. Being a Texas based (supposedly) steak house, I doubt if they will mind if I wear my combat hikers. Nice, very good boots. I bought them as cheapo temporary boots, but I think they will last a long time and hold up well. I do not like suede, I am not sure how to clean them, but these have not been a problem, so far, that way. Even with my hammer toes they are good.

I am just writing to write, at the moment. For my own sake. It gives me something concrete to do, clears my mind, sets objectives, and helps me unwind (from what I do not know). It is pretty simple writing, in part because I am half asleep again and in part because there is so little going on. I hope you understand. Oh, and I have been making a lot of errors. I usually only need one or two edits at worst for a misspelling or word usage or phraseology thing, now it is going into a dozen or more, and more serious revisions. I will at least try to make my words mean something and as rightly as possible. Well, I am going to read and try to sleep in an hour or two, if I can, and again. Maybe I can get out of bed earlier tomorrow! Too funny, remember when you were a kid, or even now for you real people who work, when you looked forward to sleeping in? It is just the opposite for me, and just as depressing in a way. We survive our travails though, nyet? Ha!

Good night, Jean. And, welcome 'home'!

I can finally sleep.

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Ha! But I cannot. The landlady will be visiting with someone to look at the apartment in a few hours. I am really dragging bottom. I need to push a little. A shave and shower, vacuuming, dressing, then out the door I go. And I will stay out until she calls and lets me know when they will be here, so I can guess when they will be gone. I will return only then. There is just something about strangers in my cave that unnerves me. It just feels weird. I wonder if people who are selling their house, while they are still living in it, feel the same way. They must. Perhaps even if they have moved it feels intrusive.

I can get some things done today, but I have to stay focused especially while exhausted. The DMV is my first stop, where I will find out if they will even send off for a copy of the title. It would not surprise me if they say, "No, you need to contact...", and contacting ...., he will say, "Oh, no, fill out this form, mail it to this bureaucrat, she will send it to the governor's office, they will stamp, date, and file it. It well then be reviewed, and...". Really, that is how things work here, or do not work as the case may be. This is a very strictly regimented bureaucratic state. Sometimes that is good, sometimes not so much. From my experience so far, it has been trouble and toil. Actually, the first thing I will do is try to find the box with the paperwork (social security card), I need to get my driver's license. I best check what else I need in order to do that as well... hmm, two pieces of mail to my current address, my current driver's license, and a secondary (picture I think) identification card. The V.A. card will work for that. After that, depending on how those go, I am not sure. I could pack a few more things in the SUV to take to storage. That will not really eat up time out there though.

I might have to, finally, stop at the information center. I have an idea for about 3 or 4 hiking trails, but it would be good to see how long those are. I know one is 7 miles, one way, so 14 miles since I do not have someone to pick me up. The others are not marked and I have not been able to find other information regarding them. I had thought about buying hiking boots, but the ones I have will work quite well I do believe. I bought some cheapos, but they have ended up being superior boots. I will not exactly be packing in. A rucksack with some edibles, perhaps some fruit, snack bars, and definitely water. I might take fishing gear as well, to take a break or two along the path. That, of course, will be strictly catch and release fishing. If I can get a bite and land the fish, that is. Anyway, 3 other trails need to be researched, and others if possible.

I could, however, look at new tennis shoes. I ordered a pair that were supposed to be 12 1/2 but feel more like 12. Those are going back. I could get that package ready and send it back. I do not need shirts, pants, slacks, or any of that though. Then again, I have not seen a shoe store. I will not shop at Wal-Mart for shoes or clothes. I tried shoes there once, my mistake. That did not take 100 lashes to figure out. Finding a 12 1/2 is difficult though, and apparently, online stores which offer 12 1/2 are buying from even smaller feeted nations than China! Well, maybe they put the plant more inland where they have not quite figured out what 12 1/2 is yet.

Later. Or good night. When I do return, there is a good chance I will simply crash. Sort of like there is a good chance if you jump, you will have generated kinetic energy, at the start of your upward motion. Yeah, that works.

babble, babble, babble... It is what I have, why do you cast stones down on the heads of the forlorn?!? :p

No sleep.

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I am very tired, always, again. But that does not allow me sleep. My eyes feel like they have sand in them. I had wondered if the procedures were causing that, and I think they were for a day or two. I have been using saline type 'real tear' type solution but it does not really help. Now it is just lack of sleep. Between worries, ongoing projects which have stopped, the cold turkey stop of my medicine, and perhaps other reasons, I simply cannot wake up fully or sleep until I simply crash. This will pass, but it is disturbing to be right back where I was, again.

I did find passages, specifically for some people who read here and who have commented. I am not sure if I will post those or not. Only a few of you have given some personal information, and that is mostly very general. But when I see a passage that seems to fit, I write it down and think about it. Or, things I have said I find in the bible. It was interesting to see something quite similar to what I wrote recently. Now, before I read the passage, and after I wrote what I did, I had wondered if I had been lame sounding. So it was a minor blessing to see the bible, in Wisdom perhaps, spell out nearly precisely what I had said. No, that does not make me wise, especially since I somewhat second guessed whether I had been too sappy. But it is never a bad thing to be bolstered by biblical passages.

I suppose, with little else to do, I will read more. At least I have The good book with which to curl up.

Oh, I did notice, when I get tired like this, I cannot keep on top of things, anything. I am hungry all of the time, ravenous really. So my diet goes downhill in a hurry. I am also more likely to be grumpy. And paranoia, which I generally like to keep on hand if more in my pocket, creeps out and does what it wishes. Self control is weak. If I was not absolutely resolute, I would again be broke, having dreamspent my money down. Even so, if it lasts much longer, that may happen anyway. I lose all control, everything but my bowels and bladder it seems. I hate being a cripple, I really do. I may be reimbursed well (if maybe wrongly), but I would trade the money away even if all I could do was work at McDonald's or something, but could do it well, conscientiously, and as quickly as was called for every day of work. Hey, just because it is a lower scale job does not mean it should be taken lightly. No job which pays reasonably should be considered if one is not willing to give it their all. I just ate and I am hungry again, still, whatever.

Back to reading. One more thing, I do not think I read the same way most people do. I never come away with the same conclusions, gut feelings, innuendos, or such. I wondered, for some time, if I had a reading comprehension problem, language problem, or such. I found a place to test that, a legitimate place. I had to take a recommendation from my therapist at the time. Now, they are rigged to test for people with problems, but... they found nothing. And more, I was beyond the scale of accuracy and precision in their tests. They had several levels of testing, and they simply could not place me, except UP. I would guess many bloggers are the same though, so... it leaves me baffled.

Have I really blogged? I wonder if I am dreaming again? Like I said, back to reading, if I am awake.

Though I be lame...

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At least I can read and seek wisdom. I finished the book of Wisdom just now. I will conclude me reading there for the night. I hope to be up earlier than today. I have to be as I will be having visitors if I do not leave. In any case, I do need to be up and dressed. But that being done and early, there will be little cause not to attempt to get some of that which I need to do completed, at least the parts of which I am a party.

I have truly been enjoying the reading. Some of it has been a little dry. Much of it is very good. Some of the text jumps out and assails me, brings great joy, revives my sense of justice, or offers hope. I see plainly my foolish and wrong ways. It is a book I can and do trust. Is everything absolutely literal? I should hope not. And some if it has passed away in our part of the world and for now, such as selling one's self into slavery, finding wives for sons, and such. Much of it has not passed. Truth is never dated, reality can only be glossed over for so long, and justice will be had.

It is interesting to note that they often were is in bad of straights, some might say worse, than what we have today. I can see how America, heretofore anyway, is very much based upon the various books of the bible. God did not want his people to have a king, only allowing it. God did not seem to want to make worship mandatory, or any of the other prescriptions, if He strongly encouraged those things. The U.S.A. used to hold much of God's thoughts born out in the bible, both New and to some extent Old Testament wisdom, governance, and workings. That, much of it, has been lost. It is plane to see. One of the things I am looking for regards what I see today and what is written in the bible regarding it. I may do a post with some of those quotes and how I see them being applied to these times.

I am seeing many texts which, to me, strongly argue that some were not blind to Moses' knowledge from his close walk with God. I have seen numerous passages, when read as a Christian today, that could only have been speaking of Jesus Christ. As well, through the books, one sees the realization that death was not the end and that success in life was not the reward for goodness. As time went along, even in the Old Testament, people began to see clearly what is now known as Christian foundations. It does makes sense, though it might be easy to think that God pretty much told them everything at once at that was it. Not so. Bit by bit, he added, filled out, fulfilled, and corrected. Only over time were the people, in some odd way, even ready for Christ's arrival.

Something I think about, was how many of the religious community could not see Jesus for who He was. I am sure some of it was God's will, it needed to be in order for the sacrifice. But too, I do believe it is the duty of the religious elders to hold tight to what is written and to keep the flock together. It is there nature to be wary. And, this is right in some senses. Perhaps the religious leaders of today have no more of a capacity to be ready for the second coming of Jesus. But I do believe, if all they accomplish is holding the sheep together, keeping them as safe as they may, and teaching them properly, they will be richly rewarded. It would have been, and will be again, perhaps, quite difficult to hand over the staff which they have clung to for so long, even to the rightful Owner of it. Then again, the righteous leaders might well not be here by that time. Between the calling and the slaughter that comes before it, few will be left. I still do not have that all down, but I am looking.

As I have been reading, and thinking about my internet problems, I realize these as all things are in God's hands. I will leave the worry and anger about this there. Should I be entangled by intellectual or religious enemies, as with all men who seek God and wisdom, these I will leave to His mercy and to justice. I have no perfection with which to raise a clamor about injustice. Only God has that, and He will do so when it is time. I suppose that is what I will do with medicine as well. What was it that Socrates said while being entreated to his own special treatment? Ah, yes... something wise I am sure. Ha! In any case, let God's will be done.

Well, th... tha... that's all folks! Good night, Goomba.

Rather than just mention it...

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Rather than just discuss that I found complaints about myself in the bible, I thought to write them here, mostly, and debate their veracity (not the truth of the wisdom, merely whether it applies, how, and to what depth perhaps). I do not think this is going out on a limb. We all do this, whether we use the bible or some other source. And most, within their own council, ponder these notions just the same. No need to comment to the fool, but if it pleases you, cast your thought (or stone as the case may be). I will withstand any stones I deserve... uhrm, if due to some of this, I might dodge a little. :p

On the dual edged sword of things, where the notion could brake either way, and all from Proverbs, are Proverbs 20: 29; 28: 1, 14; 23; 29: 18. I am using the NAB (New American Bible, Catholic) version. But I will write these out. The first one, 20: 29, "The glory of young men is their strength, and the dignity of old men is gray hair." I liked that one as I have had gray hair since I was in my mid teens. I know, it means nothing in truth, it was a feel good thing. In 28:1, "The wicked man flees although no one pursues him; but the just man, like a lion, feels sure of himself." This one is a little mixed for me, for I did flee from Iowa. And yet, in certain situations, I will stand and deliver. Though other justice (to my classifications) Proverbs do indicate that when evil flourishes and gains power, the just do hide. Still, I wonder here. The next is just so, 28:28, "When wicked men gain pre-eminence, other men hide; but at their fall the just flourish.", and there are many in that vein. This one, 28:14 "Happy the man who is always on his guard; but he who hardens his heart will fall into evil." is a boldening and warning to me. My paranoia must be held in check, and yes, I get that. But neither should I go about without the attendance of caution. And this one, 28:23 gives me pause about my writings here, "He who rebukes a man gets more thanks in the end than one with a flattering tongue." It makes me worry, in the lighter sense, and continue to observe what I write, on both spectrums. Would that make it a four edged sword? This last one actually gladens me, and brings strength to a certain friendship or dozen and my own ways, 29:18, "Without prophecy the people become demoralized, but happy is he who keeps the law." Okay, so I cannot in truth, keep the law, not perfectly. But knowing the law is the beginning, investigating the law is a furtherance, and seeking to keep it is also a help, if in the end these are minor in truth, it is what we have. Even the Jewish learnings declare that an oblation without goodness is profane, so that if we fail but seek, we will find. And, Christ, of course, carries this to fulfillment.

Those where the ones which were both uplifting to current life, for me, and warnings about the particulars as well. The next are, if not all, some of the ones which sting like thorns. I know where I fail, or might be failing, and so I will write it here.

I will have to do this in sections. Ha! I know, but... There is much. But I will list them, then go through them and separate for length as need be. Proverbs 14: 23; 15: 6, 12, 18, 19, 17:10; 18: 1,2; 21: 25; 25: 28, and 29: 1. All of these cause me to think I am over the line, or close to it. There are more, others, and such, and many are repeated often (due to importance?).

Well, I will start at the start. In Proverbs 14:23, "In all labor there is profit, but mere talk tends only penury."; Prv 15:6, "In the house of the just there are ample resources, but the earnings of the wicked are in termoil." (though it does seem I always have at least a nickle and a can of food, I am never sure about larger things, I am surely a fool if not wicked outright); Prv 15:12, "The senseless man loves not to be reproved, to wise men he will not go." (dealing with me not going to Church); 15: 18, "An ill tempered man stirs up strife, but a patient man allays discord." (I seem a trouble maker, some of it might be just, but I cannot say that for all, perhaps most, of that), 15: 19, "The way of the sluggard is hemmed in as with thorns, but the path of the diligent is a highway." (Is it just illness that causes me to be as I am? I worry. I do try, but is my effort enough?); 17:10, "A single reprimand does more for a man of intelligence than a hundred lashes for a fool." (Yeah, okay, I know this one. Ewhh, ewhhh, teacher, me, me, me! *sigh*). Next group follows.

In Proverbs 18:1, "In estrangement one seeks pretexts, with all persistence he picks a quarrel." (And he does it too often.); 18:2, "The fool takes no delight in understanding, but rather displaying what he thinks." (How could that not be true. I would like to think sometimes I am better, but I know the truth too often.); 21:25, "The sluggards propensity slays him, for his hands refuse to work." (Back to that again, and there is another about the sluggard fearing lions in the courtyard, several times, which goads the one about being on guard to the left (bad) a bit); 29:1, "The man who remains stiff necked and hates rebuke will be crushed suddenly beyond cure." (You think? I do wonder.).

There are others, these are the main concerns, at least from this part of the book. I do consider what I write. I do worry that my thoughts are being confused with what is correct. Though too, I know some of what I write which is good is despised these days. Being that one cannot claim himself wise (as perhaps I have done in err of course), it is difficult to know with certainty, except in reading the bible, praying, and attending to wiser men. As for the sluggard suggestions, I really do not know if my illness was a curse or a blessing. It suggest that sluggards will starve, do poorly, and such, and yet I have been upheld, fed, and kept from falling into utter ruin. And I do push, but enough? If too I know that pushing too hard is no different and often more dangerous to me, than not pushing at all at times.

In conclusion, I know I fail. I know what I deserve. And I thank God for His Son who has offered me a truth and a way I know I could never find or create on my own. Still, many things bother me. Many things make me question my writings, my thinking, and my ways. I cannot really know. I realize, just as the Jews where to Moses' knowing, I am blind to his and more even to Christs. My only true recourse is to pray regretfully, yet not abandon His proscribed ways or words. For these too are scorned. I must just settle with doing my level best, learning as I may (whether with the single word or the 100 lashes it seems), and going from there.

Your humble fool, Doom.

Have a great day.

Just not getting it.

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I just cannot get anything done. I am not sure how much the medicine is the problem, but it is more complicated than that. Since they were not sure I would be taking the medicine, they sent none of it through the mail and when I went in for the appointment, they gave me none. So, I ran out of medicine (as I told them I would only to receive a "So what!" look). How much cutting cold turkey from a medicine I have had to fight to take is a factor, I cannot tell. Something else about the treatment. I went online and looked up the medicine. I did not look at general information this time, but went to a place that gave very specific information. What I learned was the reason the woman had not heard about people having the reactions I had was because those are warning signs which suggest the taker should call their doctor regarding. I need to call and talk to a doctor, not a social worker or a nurse practitioner, about these effects. I am not sure that will get done, on my side or theirs though. Is this part of how Bane died, medication ignorance on the part of his doctors? Perhaps that is intended, perhaps it just does not matter?

There is nothing to be done about hacking. Against the law, yeah, so is marijuana everywhere and spitting on the streets in San Fransisco, I suppose. It just looks good on the books and made some constituents happy without meaning anything. Unless, of course, the law wants to mess with you, then it is applied. So, I suppose, unless the hacker is in their sights for something else, nothing is done. And, do not bother your ISP, they are busy creating more hackable customers.

Nothing will be done, again, today. So be it. I did set the alarm but simply could not rise. Part of my problem though, is when I hit the snooze, I think I also switched the thing over to radio. The radio is useless in waking me up. With just fuzz and crackle, I drift right back to sleep. If it is on a channel, that just drifts me into dreams.

I was awake late, again, though. I lost track of time reading the last of Psalms and well into Proverbs. I have started to note the books, chapters, and verses I really like or which speak to me. Some of it is quite stirring. I should have thought of this earlier, but I will revisit much of this. It is not always simply the verses in my favor, either. Nor is it just the verses which bolster my causes. No, I also write the numbers of the ones which call me to pay attention, which question or prohibit my actions or beliefs. There is much to learn and I have much to learn. To be honest, the vast majority of verses call me to correction. Some of them I will eventually transcribe to places I look daily. Others, the longer ones, I will eventually attempt to memorize. The shorter ones may be memorized too, but that is not exactly a difficult task, now is it?

And, yes, I was pleased with Psalms, as D.C. indicated I might be! Not that it is important in the overall scheme of things, but it was very good reading. Though David was very militant, which surprises me in some ways. As D.C. indicated, God did seem to favor him (if historians (within the bible) did not, so much). He was always, it seems, either at war without or within his kingdom. Now, he did always supplicate, but too he always suggested that he himself was blameless. He is troubling figure for me because he reminds me of someone else I know and have only so much trust in, if I am not a king. Doh! Well, now you know why I feel the way I do, along with the rest and now in full.

I suppose I will get back to reading. With all the enemies around me, whispering falsely online in my tongue, steeling into my computer, and trying to poison me with medicine. Ha!

Guess what?

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My computer has been hacked. I thought I told the guy hooking it up to put in on WPA. Nope, it was on the other, and only 8 digit at that. Someone has been using my system, and my full real name, to post on blogs. How do I know? You know the automatic deal, where you start to type and it auto-completes? Or you click on the sign in blank and you can go to your email address, sign in name, and such? Yeah, when I did that, Doom no longer came up. It was my full real name. I have not seen anything they have blogged or commented in my name, but it is out there. Some "liberal" hacker who cannot handle the truth was doing it, but who knows what damage may have been done.

It took me a bit to figure out how to switch it over tonight, when what was happening dawned on me, or more what to do about it. And with as many numbers as I used, it will be difficult to hack now. As well, I switched it to WPA, of course. I had to really concentrate, and made a mistake on one number between my ISP side and this computer side, so I had to hook in manually, then recheck everything, to get it right. But finally I am on WPA, re-secured (for how long is anyone's guess), and wireless too. That is not as much of a problem as I thought it was going to be. When I first could not log on I thought I might have to just wait until tomorrow and call the office. So, I read another 20 or so Psalms, planning on reading 25 and then sleeping or tinkering. Then a light switch came on and I remembered the router has a cord for direct internet access. Trumpets blared, cymbals clanged, I got a woody and got to work. Done and done. It was my first time. I need a smoke. Ha! I do still worry though, about whether they could have planted something on here. I am not exactly sure how much they can, or did, do, nor how to find out.

I went to talk to the gunsmith, but he took a vacation until Monday, with deer season fast approaching. He will be too busy to do anything for a good long time (and elk, bear, moose, etcetera seasons too). We went out, my neighbor and myself, and put a few downrange anyway. I did not shoot much. I did not bring my pistol as I thought the rifle would be better and I could practice. Oh well. The gunsmiths boss, partner, co-worker was there, but he does not go into the tools. He is merely the merchant part of the program, so I could not even ask about looking at the dovetail adjustment tool or asking about it's price.

I do have to get up and do some of those tasks I have been meaning to do. I actually, with the help of the alarm clock, was able to claw my way out of bed by 10:30 or 11:00, and be showered and mostly presentable by 11:30. Tomorrow I need to do the same. If not earlier.

I cheated on my diet today, I had two fountain Cokes. No, nay, not the little ones, not the medium ones, the ones which tell the diabetic "You are going to die in five!". Yeah baby. And it was goooooood. I would say shoot me, but why, I am doing it for you. And, you are so very welcome. Can I haz iscrame/?! Uhrm, and I might. It is the last of the last. On the good side, rather than using the Gatorade (about 9/10ths of a BIG can, I am going to toss it). You know, the Coka-Cola was not all that great, it was the allowance that was good. Once or twice a week, I have to just go out a bit. That is why I drive 5 mph over the speed limit, to feel freeeee! (In spite of the truth.)

Oh, I spoke with my landlady. There is not a single person wanting to see this apartment. There are two! I have straightened a bit, and cleaned. I have given her permission to come by any time during her work hours and days. I want her to try and call, but if she cannot get me, she may enter at her leisure to show the place until the end of the week, and I will extend that as necessary. She does not show up for work until 13:30 and leaves by 17:30, so it is not a great imposition. It is just keeping the place up to snuff for a whole 2 or 3 days! Did I mention I need to wear a jock strap? Yep, cleaning and the need for jock straps (in sports) are like water and oil, you have to shake it up to make it work. Bah! I preferred caves, real man-caves, with dirt carpets and disposable rock dishes. Bam Bam style. Well, maybe not. But if this works, I will have to send her some flowers and a good mixed fruit bowl for the whole crew here. They actually have been lifesavers, in several ways, and it is a nice inexpensive place to stay.

It seems I have a brother in law. In Christian law that is. It has been very good to have someone to bounce ideas off and to get notions and expansive thoughts back. Now, as we know, law, reading, and all that jazz are not the roots of salvation (though, they do point to the way), but being closer to God through His various means, not the least being His written word if His Son, the living Word would have been better (though just as many failed to see then as now). Still, what we have are pages, hope, faith, and charity (love), today. The hope I try to keep, the faith I have in spades, the charity I try to keep in my heart and in various ways with my wallet, but the book is never ending. So, it is quite good to share this. I almost get the feeling he has read the thing already or something. Ha! It is cool when a long-time blog-mate (or a dozen, many of you seem so inclined, if less vociferous about it) ends up being on the same page, or uhrm, several ahead, life is good. I encourage all to discuss your thoughts. I am quite orthodox, but discussion or debate is not beyond me at all. Besides, it is for a good cause! The Glory of God is upheld with our every faithful utterance, writing, thought and our souls are very much at stake. If you cannot teach, learn, if you cannot learn... Ruh-Rho. You have to burn. Better here and now than then and there. I got a match. *tschitz*

Ha!

Good night, dogs and cats. (even you mixed up ones. :P)

A difficult day.

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I could not wake up this day. I thought I heard the doorbell, and the phone a few times before that. I tease you not when I say I could not rise. I did not rise until, perhaps, 16:30 or later. I tried, in my slumber, to roll or cause movement which would help me to shake off sleep but this simply was not possible. As such, I was able to do nothing today.

One of the phone calls, I do believe, was from the VA regarding the dietary clinic I was set to attend today, and missed. The other was from my landlady, saying she would be by with someone to look at the place, to take over the rent potentially. The knock on the door, I can only guess, was her and the potential renter. I am so angry with myself. The phone usually wakes me and gets me going and the call would have given me enough time to prepare for a visit. But on the one day nothing works I may have missed a huge opportunity! I will call her and see tomorrow.

I have to be in Ogden tomorrow, so I am cleaning my apartment a bit tonight. I will also tuck the guns away. I will call, when she is in the office, and let her know she is free to show the place if the man is still interested. That is the best I can do and I can only hope it works out. This would take a huge weight off of my shoulders. As I have said, I can pay two rents, it would just limit my life a bit. I feel like a fool. Every time my body betrays me, I feel this way. But what can be done?

I just read Job. It was certainly not my favorite book to read. It was a grind, especially the first *1,500 pages. I got through it, and yeah, okay, I see the point. But next time, just use hot pokers in my eyes alrighty? I know, I know, it is the bible, the word of God. I know. Hush, you. I did note several things while reading it though. Something that pleased me was that God allowed Satan to test a righteous man, to bring him low, and to all but kill him in order that Job might be tested to show Satan some things. What man comes to God after these things have been done to him? I have. It was not in weakness, despair, or such that I came to God. Neither did I come to God in spite of it. I simply came to God as I was. It is a little thing, but it pleased me. The other thing I noted was that the writing became better, more refined, and easier to read as I went through the book. That form of writing is not exactly my favored. Listening to the babble at the beginning was torturous reading, not only was it off, it was babble! Reading what the young man had to say was better. And of course, God's words were far superior to the rest. So, the book tended to pull me, as a reader, through the text.

I am NOT looking forward to Psalms. I am sure, in Hebrew, or whatever language they were initially written, they were poetic, lyrical, and maybe even a little bouncy, like songs often might be. Then again, maybe not, who knows. But translated into English, they are very dry, with little but the substance to carry them. One leads to the next, they are similar in substance often, and... That is going to be a tough read. But that is what I will do.

I had intended to begin a fast tonight, but then I realized I had fish and meat thawed. The meat does not last long here, not at all, so I suspect fish will go even faster as it often does. I will eat what I have thawed before fasting later this week. Tonight, a whole talapia, which I will wrap in foil and bake, with butter. I am curious about this, I have had fillets before, but not the whole fish. At the market, fillets were $5.99 a pound, the whole fish was $1.99 a pound, so both being frugal at this time and being curious, I went cheap. I hope I do not choke on a bone. Then again, fillets are not always clean, and might surprise you most rudely since you expect a bone less.

After I put the fish in the oven, I best do a few more things to prepare for visitors tomorrow. I truly hate vacuum cleaning, but I think I need to do that. A bit of straightening would not hurt. And just a little cleaning. It really is not that bad, especially for a bachelor. I have been doing much better here, in that way, though it has only been a short time since I moved in too.

Oh, I was thinking about what K9 said, regarding how girls dress now. I think it has something to do with the understanding by males that women are not trustworthy or marriageable, do not provide children and a household, really, and so are sort of not worth the trouble or expense. Girls are having to go all out to get the attention of the boys, in more ways than one. And, of course, we end up getting more of what we do not want. Without a change in the laws, that is the way it will be. Not even an uptick in Christianity will help, as only the most dogmatic will marry for religious reasons. So, the laws have to change to make divorce difficult, and the settlements more equitable when they do occur, or girls (and women) will continue just as she saw them. They have become sex toys or they are ignored. Academics or sluts, it seems.

I used to think men did not change, it was women who have changed. I have decided that is not quite right either. Neither changes, we are what we are, what has changed is the balance. Until there is something in marriage for men, something undoubted and good, something fair, something the law cannot allow to be stripped by a word or the extra-legal (strictly speaking) one sided court system set against men, they will not themselves enjoin in that, and women will be degraded to toys. Women cannot be trusted with their oaths and vows so long as the law allows them every advantage to be untrustworthy. I am not sure I am getting that exactly as I want to but it will work.

Good day, later, good night, who knows! Be well.

*Large numbers, as indicated, in the book of Doom, or pages thereof, may or may not be literal. In historical context, they may be taken to mean greater or lesser readings.

Maccabees and ribeye.

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The day has seen nothing done, not completed. I called the finance company, the one that holds the title to my SUV, and asked if they would send a copy of the title. Well, it turns out that the DMV has to request a copy. The guy was from India, I am not sure if I got it all correct or if he understood what I was asking. I called back later, different guy, same foreign language. *click* I will have to simply hope this information is correct and get it in tomorrow. Nothing else I had hoped to do was done.

I am counting my nickles as everything seems to be going astray. I have a little set off, just enough to try and get everything paid, even in a worst case scenario. I hate times like these. Of course, if things come off without a hitch, I might well be ready to start saving as I had hoped. Moving is a lot more expensive than the brochure promised! :p

Tonight I had ribeye, green beans, and of course milk. A little butter on the green beans adds a lot to the meal. And, I tried something I had heard mentioned recently. As I said, I am using a cast iron skillet for all of my cooking. Well, stove cooking. Someone had suggested that a little butter in the pan, to give it a nice thin coating, would make the steak top notch. Guess what, my neighbor was correct. That was one of the most delicious steaks I have had in some time. The steak at Sizzlers was good, if a bit thin. But this was superior. The beef here seems to be every bit as good what I had in Iowa, and the prices go up and down just like there too. Now that I know how to cook a right proper pan steak, I am in like flint, this way.

My reading continues. I am in the book of 1 Maccabees 13. This is rather interesting reading. The Jews sure had many troubles then, as now. So too, do all people. But few people have remained a single, historic, religious community anywhere near the length of time they have. Modern Egyptians, for example, cannot even read their ancestor's languages, Babylonians are no more having become many things to finally be Iranian or Iraqi peoples and again with no sense of their own history. Many people's, such as the Egyptians, probably are not even necessarily related to their national historic peoples.

Reading the Old Testament opens up the eyes. It also calls into question many of the current Christian practices. When Christ indicated that He was not here to end the law, but to fulfill it, I think many Christians have taken a very wrong stance on that. Though Jesus did set aside the mosaic law, from marriage to debt to feasts from the law, and He set aside forbidden foods, He did not set aside the reason or purpose for them, or even set them aside completely. As with food, though pigs are now allowed (to Christians) and circumcision is not required (though due to health reasons, it is encouraged even by the secular medicants of today), being healthy, living wisely, and such were all interwoven with these laws and that prescription has not changed.

Now, figuring out, precisely, what is still considered against the Word, from the Old Testament, is not a simple thing. But at times, it is not as difficult as it might seem. While reading the bible, things will come to you, while you read it or later. Things from the New Testament came to me while well into the reading of the Old Testament. And, I do believe, reading the bible begins to change things inside one's life and mind. Patterns emerge, Christ in us sets Himself up a better place near our eyes the windows of our soul for food from the reading, and my actions have become much more measured. I can see, now, more as I go on, why I was so enamored of the books as a young one.

Tomorrow I have five things I really need to do. I need to get to my storage unit and try to find my social security card (necessary for obtaining a drivers license). I will take all other required data, and upon finding the ss card, I need to apply for that. Second, I need to go to DMV and have them begin the process of obtaining a copy of the title. I then need to place a few advertisements for this apartment physically, and then try to figure out how to advertise it online. Then I need to get the rifle sight moved a bit more. And finally, the fun thing if I can get the rest of it done in time, I want to get target practice in before it gets too dark. It is raining today, though, and may be tomorrow as well. Still, there is always a chance to find enough time to see if it is on target or not. I really HAVE to do these things. Time is running out, quickly, and potentially expensively, on some of these things.

Okay, yeah, I have been hiding out. I have not been able to function well. In part because of my native exhaustion, in part because of the addition of the medicine. Plus the simple feeling, as things started to slip, that I was powerless. I fell, and have been down for about a week. I need, again, to rise to the occasions and finish this. Then all I will have to worry about is finishing my application for college and getting that going. Still, I am going to be honest. I am still doing better here than I ever have in Iowa, and for any length of time, other than when I was on Ritalin. I do not want to let that slip from my hands. Must... work... harder...

Men and women in a Christian life.

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After figuring some things out, tending to questions, illness, and then settling into the right spot for marriage, I am starting to find what it is I think is required. There are lists of topics. There are right advisers. Their are ladies with good words. And of course there is material that should be tossed without more than a glance. And, if one has a mind to it, reading the New Testament of the bible would be the best start.

The one thing I am sure about preparing to look for a wife, regarding preparedness, is that one cannot be prepared in the most absolute of senses. I see it this way, I can only be versed in what the responsibilities of the husband are traditionally, and to some degree what to expect from a wife. A woman is a lot of work and responsibility on my part, and expensive in many ways. I can try to get in a position where I can handle those things but I will be struggling with another person, with her own ideas. That is as ready as I can be.

I do believe men and women have very different capacities and skill sets. I will never be able to be a mom, my ideas are abhorrent to women. If the child skins a knee, I think he or she should buck up and get back out to it. If a son comes home crying after being hit, I will teach him how to defend himself, and then some. If a daughter comes home crying from being hit, it depends on who hit her and why. Another girl? Meh, get used to it, though expect worse (your feelings and trusts later, ha!). If a boy, I might go hunting unless she started it by, well, being a girl. Ha!

As for cooking, diapers, cleaning. Well, if she can handle a man-sty, so be it. I am simply allergic to vacuum cleaners, most household cleaners, and baby poop. Besides, with an eye to sizes, shapes, and amounts, I am curious how much that diaper will hold before it explodes. I AM the curious sort. If she can handle that, I will pitch in as often as I notice messes, sort of, unless there is a rug handy. I used to think this was bad, now I have come to realize it is rather typical. While it might be bad, it is the way of it. The weather is bad sometimes too, I do not see anyone fixing that!

And, yes, education. I will teach my wife, using guile, fact, treasure, or barbs. She will learn my limits. I will only take a devoted Christian as a wife, and one who has shown a capacity to understand both God's commands, the bibles inputs, and traditional notions of the institution. And, I will reinforce these. The bible is quite clear that a woman should be as devoted to her husband as if he were her Christ, if Christ before all, which means the husband needs tend to bend to righteousness and God as well.

The only way a woman can be master, is to, like Christ, serve. The servant, as many songs, poems, and writings indicate, is the master. Fighting with me will yield naught, disobedience and lying are just as bad. A woman who works with me and for me in all things, without grumbling or dragging her feet will know a throne. A woman who fights me will know an intractable enemy who can use herself and her inner goodness to shame her outward nakedness. I was born to war, I swear it, she cannot compare in this field.

It sounds harsh, and perhaps it is. Such is life. But too, it is quite sweet. If women wish to surrender, fine, but do it to the righteous, not to the ugly, the deformed, the vile, and the wicked. Avoid the serpent and cling to man, especially the man who bows to the only true King. In doing so, a woman will find heaven on earth and will know heaven like few others. Turning away from that, a women will only know scorn, shame, the cold of night, and will consume herself as all revolutions do.

So, I begin to look. As health and vigor return, as life in the outdoors and perhaps in college open up to me again, and as time passes, I leave that door a bit open. That very door is just open a crack now, but as I become a stronger, surer, wiser man, the door will open more along with those things. I am not sure I will find a wife, I cannot be sure even if I do that I will have children with her, but this is what I pray to God. He knows my heart, I have opened all I am to Him. We will see. Of course, as ugly as I am, this might be testing my Lord. Ha! ;)

What about women teaching me? Meh, it could happen. But I am what is classified as an old dog. You must know that saying by now? I do wish her great luck with that though, Lord knows, I have tried myself. What about her rights? I think they are enumerated in that wise text as well.

Finding a wife, having children, and settling down? It could happen. Look too Abraham and Sarah. If you believe, there you go. If you do not believe you cannot be sure (about anything). The temporal visceral world of flesh offers nothing of surety.

Addendum:

There is something else I have been meaning to say about relationships between man and wife. One of the problems, as I see it, is want by women to feel loved. This, in some relationships past, has been a problem. A woman can no more be maintained in a loving feeling than a man can be in his wife's arms all of the time. I assume this false need comes from insecurity, a personal one not born of the relationship. For both men and women, marriage, in simple terms, will often be a grind. In part, because other parts of our life become difficult and we cannot expect our mate to pick that up, but we do. As well, our spouse cannot and should not be the sum total of our existence. They only should share in our existence, if too there are obligations, some joyful some odious.

The same goes for friendship between couples. It is good to be friends, but it is not terribly necessary. And to be sure, there will be days and longer when friendship is not possible. I am guessing, in our history and currently in other parts of the world, friendship is not even a factor in such relationships. Women in America have it very good, so good they often opt out due to boredom. This, I think, comes from a very misguided notion of marriage. It is fine to be friends when that is possible, when not, doing ones duty is required anyway. Do you always like to put money in the collection plate? Do you always like to pray? Do you always trust, absolutely, God? But if you continue on and do these things in faith, hope, or love, so should a man or woman with their perspective spouse.

Further, the relationship between man and woman called marriage, from what I have seen, can be quite contentious. The two parties, man and wife, father and mother, are natural adversaries in some odd manner, like cops and criminals (or even cops and citizens to a degree), priest or other ministers and the flock, politicians and citizens, and parents and children. Some groups have a natural angst toward one another. Most women seem to not know this, or at least how to deal with it.

Then again, few women I have been with have been solid Christians. Though, with divorce rates roughly the same, or close enough, I have to think Christian women are no better bets as a general rule. How dare a single man discuss marriage, it's intricacies, and it's problems? Ask Saint Paul or even Christ. Ha!

A question.

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As I prepare to lay my head down, pray, and then sleep, some little *tick* is forming. If you have ever had warnings of an impending migraine too, you know what I mean. But this is a little different. Whether I remember it or not, tonight I will dream of war. How do I know? I just know. I finally know why, sometimes, I struggle to not sleep. It creeps up on me though, the realization. Some part of my mind really hates these, though consciously I have become accustomed to them. I have seen and created many corpses. Some of the corpses I see have been allies, close friends, brothers really. I have had to crawl over corpses to get out of line of sight. I can smell them, on my clothes even after I have departed. Once you get that in your nose, it does not leave for a long time, even if it does not really get on you, it is all you can smell. Gruesome pictures do not bother me, movie or real. Not anymore. Not even real life events shake me. I have seen piles and seeming thousands of dead.

My question is this, is it common to feel textures, to smell even faint things like blood but to include muck, plant life, oil, gasoline, and even spice in the wind? Is it common to sense the cloying nature of high humidity? Do most dream so strongly?

My dreams are often so very vivid. Though too, they are not quite movie like. When the action begins, the scene is very choppy. I cannot always tell what is going on. Hearing usually goes out as well. I can track a few things, my allies, where most of the incoming fire is coming from, and my own general location. Sometimes they are harrowing, sometimes they are of good times before fighting, or after. This set of dreams cannot be changed, as I do with other dreams.

I know they will happen tonight. They have been happening more and more for a while now. They are the same, the same people, the same events, sometimes I see things I missed before, or a slightly different time segment, of about 6 or 8 different incidences, but the scenes themselves never change, nor the actors.

The dreams I can remember, standard dreams, are vivid as well. At least as far as color, sound, and maybe textures, but to a much more minor depth. While flying, for example, I can feel the wind. When bending steel, I can feel the silky glassy cool nature of the metal. Or I might smell a woman's perfume, feel her soft skin and warmth through it, or feel her hair brush by if she is sitting close and turns her head to look at something. I rarely, twice in my life I think, have had actual sexual dreams, so that is not a thing. I simply wonder how weird it is to have such intense dreams, and the dreams of war (apparently with no real cause)?

After trying to figure out why I did not want to go to bed, now I know. I am plum exhausted, a bit from fighting sleep and a bit from a active day. I hope this even makes sense. *crashing into keyboard* But hoping for thoughts, or even answers, too.

Oh well, time to march off to bed. Pun, sadly, intended.

Good night.

A few odds and ends.

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Soda water, yes, soda water. I have done something to one of my two devices that I need to fix, if it is possible. I will have to call their tech support Monday. In the meanwhile, I have been searching the internet for advice. Though I have seen no advice about this, I have seen other complaints from users. The main one is that it takes forrreeevvveeerrr (think: how children, your own or others, say that) to get the water fizzy. People complain that it takes a long time, and they have to shake it, put it in the fridge, shake it some more, etc. No, they do not! All you need to do is place the water you are going to use in the refrigerator also. Have it chilled before use. Then it will fizz up beautifully with very little need to shake at all. I shake it, and well, and as Raphaim* I can truly shake things up. Still, I do not believe I actually have to shake it, if I keep the water cold before use. I certainly never have to shake it later. I have only done it, to point, because of the given instructions.

Oh, though I enjoy Michelle Malkin a great deal, and I do agree with much of what she writes, I have one (minor) problem. It is not with her ideas, only with a term. When she was discussing the problems with rail security caused by this administration's abominable evils (tm), she was discussing the disbanding of a special security force. She referred to that force as a force multiplier, to be added to standard police, FBI, and other agencies. The term 'force multiplier' means no such thing. A force multiplying group goes out, generally behind enemy lines (or with that eventual intent), locates allies among the civilian populations whom they train, thus multiplying military forces by co-opting willing and able civilians. I know, it is a little thing, but it is annoying to see mistakes like that, for me. For many, it would be akin to seeing 'bible' misspelled, not quite a holy disorder but close, and again, to me. Okay, no more nitpicking, for now.

I have another new line-up of blogs I mean to get on here. I know now it is mostly a simple task, so I will get to it. I might add one that I had previously dropped, but most of them are new (and potentially exciting, I hope). Though I am not Libertarian, I am conservative-libertarian. Many of these folks are Libertarian and darn good at it. If I thought they spoke for that party, and I saw political advocates who were in this vein, I would certainly be more inclined to vote for them. That party, in general, I do not agree with on a number of levels and for various reasons. I am no longer Republican, they have failed me one too many times. I do not want secret socialists or disordered and slower paced progressives, and that party has become such. As well, there are a few bloggers to be added who keep tabs on the world-wide muslim expansion, dhimmitude, and other grossness of the religion of murder. I hope you enjoy as well.

War Out!

*Giant, Rephaite, Rephaim, Nephilim, Anakim, or those who reside in Sheol

RuhRho! If I am in Sheol, guess where you are? :p Ha!