A minor hitch.

I finally tried on the farmer john dive suit. It does not fit! I will have to send it back and order another, hopefully in time. I cannot find the order sheet, so I will need to call the company. I had wanted to call the company anyway, in hopes they might be able to guide me, and more quickly than what I could do on my own, to a replacement suit. I am terrible about returns, so this will be a challenge. Worst come to worst, I may just rent when I get to the rafting guide's place. At least there is a stock solid fall-back plan.

Oh, the Zune, so far, is amazing! The software I downloaded works fine (so long as I remember to allow access through the firewall (safe? Doubtful, but I think I am compromised anyway. *sigh* no… ARGGGHHHH!!!* The software automatically updated the machine from ver. 2.0 to ver. 2.5. And, after figuring out how to run it (without instructions, I could find them nowhere, for either the Zune or the software), I altered some of the settings, and even set it up so that my computer automatically burns music CDs to a file when I put them in the CD/DVD drive. As well, I can choose which file type I wish to compress the music into. The really good one (I think it is the best(?), still learning) takes a good deal more time and probably space, but with 80 gb I think I will go with that. I doubt it is as good as the CDs, but I am not quite an audiophile (if somewhat picky). It will take some time to get my CDs converted. I am thinking of just having a goal of processing 20 or 30 CDs a day. I will just have to see how long it takes and then see how much time I have on any particular day of course. At 20 per day, it will take well more than 15 days with more than 300 CDs to burn. Oh, I pulled down a freeby song from Zune’s Marketplace last night. I was just curious about how it worked, how well it worked, and how long it took.

Today has been a late start and a slow day. Fine, it IS Saturday. I do plan to go to church and then return, change my clothes, and then go fishing if it is not raining. If it is raining, I may head out on a local hike. I have a small pack, waterproof outers, and a camel-back. With it being a rainy day, I will be less likely to meet a fearful woman. It is irritating to be walking along and have a female freak out because I am walking on a path toward her. If she is that at risk, she should not be out and or alone. And yes, if someone like me was not a gentlemen, she would have as much chance as she would against a great white shark. Although, it is interesting to see feminism tested against reality. Thankfully for her there is no risk in my presence.

Three weeks of working out, getting back on medicine and now to the point of both consistent and proper usage and far better results from the medicine, my plans for the summer coming together and nearly completed, my plans for school now in the works, an introduction into a men's bible study, and a return to regular church attendance have led to a very strong showing in my life. Or more, the recreation of a life. I am beginning to put all the parts together. It has been, at times or actually usually, necessary to begin any particular area in bits and parts, then to start knitting the bits, and now to connect the parts into a whole as a new life. Bit by bit, sometimes only a stitch or weave at a time, sometimes the construction of whole aspects at a time, a real, good, functional, extended life is being created and lived. No doubt, this house of a life is still only a rough outline, the basement still only drying cement, the plumbing only capped pipes leading into the construction site or out of it, lots still to do. But it is recognizable as it stands. It has some reality to it, and shows more than a simple interest, but a full intent to build, with great risks having been taken to get this far.

There are many people helping me, I am not deluded. I have a woman help keep my apartment clean (and it helps greatly). I have a nurse check in on me and set up my medication every two weeks (and that, at times, is vital). I have a doctor who pushes me and sometimes allows me to push back. I have family and friends who have stayed in contact and not let me just drop off the face of the planet. Yes sometimes I have asked for these things, yes I roll up my sleeves and pitch in if I can, yes I want it, yes I have goals, plans, and a deep interest, but I am not on this path alone. I could not do it alone. And, finally, I think I am ok with that, mostly, as humbling, fear inducing, and encroaching as being dependent may be.

Hammer and nails, 2x4s, and effort, the world is coming together.

I have not exercised yet. My lady friend called and asked if I would bring her some 7-Up shortly after that last post. Certainly I said, I could, and so I did. I needed to buy a few groceries for my home as well, I realized, as I started driving to the store. I picked up a few items at Hy-Vee, then headed to the fancy grocery store. I suggested freshly made soup from the Coop during our conversation. Perhaps, she thought, though she would delay a decision until she knew what soups were offered today. I purchased a few more items in the coop, and then looked to the soups. She was not interested in beef noodle, minestrone, or summer tomato, and nothing else sounded good, so I paid for my goods and drove to her place. She answered rather swiftly after I knocked, and she looked very ill. I delivered the goods, and because of her appearance, skipped inviting myself in.

I will call and check on her frequently this weekend, I will probably call her this evening. This is the second time this week I have seen her look this rough, and it is not her style or way. I know what is causing it, she is working two jobs, one is paying her, the other is costing her to work (due to gas costs and no pay or reimbursement). Between the physical stress of an extra 20-40 hours of work plus travel time, the added expenses which fray her nerves, and exposure (all that beautiful sunshine, rain, wind, and dirt :p ), she is at her ends. Still, I will try to make sure she does not get too ill, or have some major unmet needs, or such. She has no one else, and I like to do this, and, I suppose, I like her. Even the lout that I am, I can be gentle even when I disagree, should I choose that. I will know she is back on her feet when she takes a psychic swing at me. Atta girl, swing a little harder and higher… or lower… as I am frequently pleased to think.

I ordered one toy this year, while obtaining the rest of the goods for the trip. I have had this on my list for several years. I think this particular one is newer, the newest of it’s type. I ordered it, custom, two days ago. It showed up on my doorstep today. Well, actually it was at the door, a signature was required to take possession of the item. Hint, it is smaller than a breadbox, can fill a fairly large room if properly set up, runs and plays, “everyone” has or wants one, nobody really manages theirs well, and they are techy. I bought a custom artwork Zune 80 gb mp3 player. Now I need to get something to connect it to the mp3 jack in my Xterra (I did not order that in the X, it either came free since they did not have one without it or it was a part of my extra stereo package, maybe it was the satellite radio package that was free… I dunno). I also am trying to find information about whether I could download from Sirius or XM Satellite radio to my Zune (or computer?). I have one of the radio systems in the Xterra (the hardware anyway, I let the free period pass without obtaining a contract). If I could download music, yeah, I would subscribe. However, I strongly doubt it is possible (without hacking, probably illegally).

I downloaded the software for Zune. It does not look to offer all that much music, video, or other content actually, and it seems a little pricey. Though it was late and I was tired when I looked. Supposedly, by connecting the Zune to my computer through this software (on top of the software also being both what loads media to the Zune, a media marketplace, and a social hangout for Zune users), this is how I charge the player. I have 300 music CDs, though I never have really learned how to record or burn CDs to my computer or to CDs, let alone how to mess around and get the recording settings arranged to have the highest quality renditions of my favorite stuff in a format suited to an mp3 player. With 80 gb, I am almost tempted to just record whole albums. Then again, maybe not. It depends on how much easier it is to look for albums and then look through those compared to finding songs by group or singer, style, and alphabetically. I have no idea about how to go about organizing my loading, nor what categories are available. *sigh* Still, once done, I can keep my whole music collection safe at home, stored (and as I learn, probably backed-up AND using the another set of back-ups rather than the originals to play when I do play CDs). Plus, I will probably be more willing to buy pieces and parts, as with Leni Kravitz. I hate his whole albums, but he has a very few excellent songs. Why he does not become the new Hendrix I will never know. He must be afraid of becoming too white or something. So, instead, he slinks off into Ike Turner obscurity. Then again, at least he does not Uncle Tom to rap music.

On another note, my vocational councilor called. He sounded up-beat about my prospects in spite of some health issues himself. I can certainly empathize, within the constraints of familiarity, sympathizing with the rest. He asked that I obtain information regarding my current academic track, including: actual course work needed and completed; how the two year and four years schools will or could function with the remaining coursework; and a time schedule for the completion of the remaining work. As I remembered it, I believed I had already completed that type of survey, having spoken with both the U of Iowa and Kirkwood this spring, so I told him I would see if I could find the material. He had asked me to do it around the beginning of the spring semester, and when it was done, suggested that it did not matter without my doctor’s input, so to just not worry about the work I had and paperwork I had collected. Well, with the doctor in my camp, and now the paperwork and schedule completed, I was hoping to schedule an appointment before heading to Colorado. No such luck, he had wanted to schedule me for June 1st for a meeting. That is right at the end of my vacation (a part that is still somewhat vague). Since the off-roader group has not actually planned the trip yet, I am not sure which day I will be leaving from up that way. As well, I fully intend to see two, if not all three, of my mothers on the way home. To date, I have never had a mother push me out of the door the day after I arrived. Yet, assuming that very scenario, I would not be back in time for the meeting. Still, it is looking good. He suggested that I call and set an appointment when I get back, but I think I will probably call as soon as I know about the off-road excursion’s end date. I will then give myself about a week and a half to drive and visit, get home and sorted out, and rest up and going again before having to begin planning classes. I think I impressed him by having done what he told me to do (regarding gathering that information) and then by being able to find it and call him back in less than five minutes (and actually calling). A few more high scores and life could get easier this way, a few major successes in class work, and I will be set. Oh, a prayer has been put in for him, just for his health, not for his favor. *laughs*

Oh, I happened to find a couple of my Cook’s Illustrated magazines I had been seeking. My neighbor had discussed some interests and difficulties, and oddly, I remembered reading articles on two of those topics. I promised to bring those over, but I had not been able to find them. I went to drop them off a bit ago, but she did not seem to be home. I will have to check after posting this monster.

You know what, I think I am going to have a shot and a half of Balvenie 12 and a bit of purified water later this afternoon. It has been a good week.

Thunder storms and an easy morning.

Good morning. Though I fumbled when arranging this mornings wake up, I am sure I will get it right before long. I went to bed late, again, and must have thought I should then set my alarm later. Yet my furnace was still set to go off at the earlier time, so I am not quite sure how my plans of being awake by 7:00, given my ideal alarm, medicine, and furnace time interplay, will work. But, I keep planning, plotting, figuring, and… I admit it, I do sometimes feel a bit like Wile E. Coyote, well, crossed with Bugs Bunny anyway. I either have the worst best luck in the world, or just the opposite. The glass of very cold water half emptied in my lap which had been on fire or the glass half full of crocodile infested gold rich silt bottomed water. Take your pick. I enjoy it, mostly.

I was able to crawl out of bed by 8:15. And, yes, that is ok. I am still experimenting. Beyond that, I woke up refreshed. I slept very well. Waking up to rain and thunder, even having the lightning flashes creep into my well darkened cave, can be a fantastic thing. This morning was one of those pleasant storm mornings. And, I really do feel refreshed. I feel better than I have, upon waking, in a very long time. There may be other reasons though too.

This morning I remembered to check my vitals before almost anything. My blood pressure is at 134/94 with a pulse of 68 (the lowest of two readings) and my blood sugar was down to 168. That is the lowest either has been in, perhaps four months, perhaps longer? Oddly, as my blood sugar is coming down, my high blood pressure is tagging along. Very odd, if you ask me. I will take it, understanding be damned, if curiosity cannot be abated.

Today, yes, a Friday, what is on my schedule? Oh, I definitely need to work out. Not a problem, I am hoping to do that in the next hour or so. With the rain, I do not think I will go fishing, but I would like to find and then read the fishing report. Perhaps there are places where fishing is more successful, or certain lures or baits which seem to be working, or some other clue to success. Though it was unofficial, my neighbor sort of charged me with getting hot on fishing so as to be his and his family's guide regarding fishing. I have not performed well so far. With the new fishing report out this last Thursday, I might be able to use it, plus chatting up the local bait shops, speaking with other fishermen, and a little leg and casting work to find more successful where’s, when’s, and what’s of local fishing. Plus, I am actually hungry for fish. The three mess of fish I have had lately have really put the munchies for fish on the front burner. As well, catching that little fish sort of tugs at me to catch more and hopefully bigger fish.

What else today? More reading about pi, I would like to get to the part discussing the mathematic formula(s) for developing the numbers of pi. A little more reading about hiking and backpacking, plus the creation of my own list of required, handy, or just wanted items (based strongly on the book's list). I need to see what I have and what I still might need. I am quite sure a medical kit needs to be prepared, though how much of one will depend upon costs. I do want at least a medium kit, enough to cover the very basics, up to and including stitches. Oh, I ought to get cracking on some final laundry, a push to tighten the place back up a bit neatness wise, and perhaps a run at my bedroom. I will never be a successful houseman but that does not let me off the hook completely.

You know, I am thinking I might actually be getting somewhere. I might be finding my way out of this decades old hole. I do not think it is a false light, though it is still distant. It will take every bit of work I have put in to date more, plus that last 15 % of the climb is all the work from before, times 2 to 10. At this point, few are offering a hand, some are becoming antagonistic, and others have always been aggressive (keep gimps in their place sort of thing). I will just keep doing what I am doing, adding more as I get more. What else, pray tell, do I have to do with my life now that I am having one again? Life… is… good!

A great day!

Sure, I was slow waking this morning. Certainly, I did not do a dozen things, contact ten people, and I did not plan out my life, trip, or even next week. What I did do, however, was satisfying. I attempted to change my schedule so that I wake up earlier. And though not successful, I do believe it can be and that I know how (generally speaking) to make it successful. I have taken my medications on time, and they seem to be working. I was a bit late in testing my blood sugar. After two days of insulin, it is, after a breakfast meal, below 200. I believe it was 191, actually. After several back and forth emails, my friend and myself arranged a coffee meeting. That went quite well. I learned a good deal, caught back up with and further, learned more about my friend. As well, I have become, at least temporarily, a party to a small bible study group. I know all of the other gentlemen in the group, and it is a fine sort to throw my lot in with. As well, I received some good information regarding joining the Knights of Columbus. It is good to get a scoop on some things.

I am currently awaiting information from that particular gentleman. Some of it is in regard to the group, some of the information will be links to Knights of Columbus general information. It is always interesting to hear about someone’s life. Especially when they are just embarking on a new adventure in business and life. He is doing this at an unusual time in his life, yet seems to be successful. I guess hearing that the unexpected can work is always good, especially for those of us who seem to have been born on the wrong side of the odds.

After the conversation and coffee, I went fishing. I found a place to go, and I tried using the technique I watched a man use the last time I went fishing. I had two solid hits (though I suspect the fish were quite small). I also had a few possible hits. Yet, after an hour or so, I decided to call it off. It was sprinkling, and had been all day, perhaps that was against my luck. It was good to get out anyway.

By the way, I have noticed I cannot eat enough to become full. I am not sure, but I think this is a good sign. I felt this way in my teens and even younger. But back then, they called me twig because I was so skinny. I am thinking that maybe I have started my internal physical engine again. Perhaps I am creating a little more muscle, and activating that which remains, so that I am burning calories consistently and at a much higher rate than I have been for a long time. Since I cannot eat enough to feel satisfied, I am actually now trying to decrease how much I eat and become used to being a little hungry, always. I am just exploring this thing. I just became aware of this change well enough to explain it and think about it’s implications. So, these are all just random considerations and initial thoughts about how to use it to my advantage.

Now I think I will cook some supper. I will probably have some fish. While I was visiting my Mom’s home, someone brought us a mess of fish and she cleaned it. We ate half of it then, while she froze the rest of the fish uncooked. She eats fish rarely, so she sent the package home with me. Lucky me! I had thought about going to a movie, but it is getting a bit late, especially by the time I fix my meal.

This, that, and the other thing.

I ended up waking late, though I do not have a difficulty with that this day. Beyond staying up late, I attempted a new technique this morning. I have decided to set my alarm clock for 6:00, take my medicine then, and then return to bed for an easier and earlier awakening. The difficulty was that I set the heat too high too early. I think I will change the furnace turn-on time tomorrow to 6:30, and if that is still too early, perhaps as late as 6:45 or even 7:00, while my second alarm clock is set for 7:00. My goal is to wake up shortly before or shortly after 7:00.

I have received several emails. Some of which have to do with the trip. I have replied though there may be some difficulties. I had to resend one of them, as it seems as if the first sending did not get through. As well, the coffee meeting I had spoken of nearly two weeks ago is looking to be a definite event, either this afternoon or tomorrow. I am hoping to discuss the Knights of Columbus with this particular man. I am not sure if he is a member, though I am guessing he very well might be. I would like to speak to several members, a few officers, and others who may be involved with the group before I decide about joining.

It is a nice day. Depending on what I hear back about coffee today, I hope to get out. I may drive out and see about taking a hike. The water is still very high in the reservoirs, so that just might not be available at my favorite place for a while. There is not a lot more going on. And, really, that feels good!

I did it.

After the somewhat slow start and the surprise early cleaning, I was lagging. I had a decent lunch and then just relaxed while I gained a little boost from that, though I had to go through a sleepy spell before I started receiving energy. I contacted the man from Vocational Rehab, though I was only able to leave a voice message. I do believe, until I hear back from him, I will call every day. This will keep him from having any excuse for not getting back to me, or trying to accuse me of not trying to contact him.

I was not sure I was going to work out today. I almost did not. I really had to push today. Part of it is just the persistent sleepiness that haunts me, part of it was that Monday’s work out was so difficult. The gloves helped a great deal. The usual pain in my hands did not, and still is not, plaguing me. The belt will take some getting used to, but I believe it will be invaluable in time. I was able to lift today and without a hitch. I am really having to work. I think that is the point. I have one more increase in weight lifted, next week. After that, I will stay with that weight until I leave (though I do get a week off the week before I go (or that week itself) according to the plan I have laid out. I will then have to see how to proceed with my workouts when I return home.

There is not too much to report today. I am tired, still. I am doing what is before me in spite of it. And, I am staying up during the day. I am also taking my medication very regularly, enjoying life, and gaining hope as I move through this. Alright, be well, live long and perspire (Vulcans are really odd).

A new day, push, push, push.

Taking my medicine when the alarm sounds and then going back to bed if need be has worked to a greater degree in allowing me to awaken earlier and more fully. I realized that whether I get 18, 16, 12, or 8 hours of sleep, I will be tired much of my awake time so I might as well try to keep it to 8 to 10 hours of sleep. Oh, heat helps to wake me up as well, since I do not like it and do not sleep well when it is hot. I had not set the furnace last night, so I woke a little slower this morning since the house was not heated to 74 degree F. Overall, sleep is better as it becomes more regular, if I can just keep it this way. Who knows, between eventually handling the diabetes and high blood pressure while getting in shape and expanding my life, perhaps I will get to a point where just being awake is not, for the majority of time, painful. I actually have to work harder to stay awake than I do to work out. I wish the effort expended to stay awake transferred to caloric burn though!

The gear shop I emailed last night had an email sitting there for me this morning. I think the deal may very well go through. I asked some general questions last night, and received some general answers this morning. Some might accuse me of just seeing what is out there, but I would never be so tricky. Anyway, I sent some specifics (items and prices) to be checked for availability and price, as well as questioned shipping costs. As well, the salesman has indicated that if a call is necessary, we could set the time up today and he would gladly call tomorrow. *fingers crossed again*

I am going to pre-clean the apartment and get help with the remainder. I also need to work out, I believe I… Well, I was going to work out before helping clean this afternoon. However, the lady called and asked if she could arrive early. She had had several cancellations and was hoping to, I suppose, finish her day early. Of course, there is no difficulty realigning my schedule. We have pretty much tidied the kitchen, cleaned out the refrigerator, and she is finishing by cleaning the bathroom a bit.

When she leaves, I believe I will have a spot to eat, rest for about an half hour or hour, then work out. I am not sure what all else will be done. I cannot wait to see if the weight lifting gloves work well.

Later.

Steak and a bit more surety.

After what has happened today, in a number of ways and on several levels, I am more sure about this summer and life. I cannot share all things. Actually, that is as far as I can go altogether, at least at this time. I may say more in some future time about this. Just understand, life is working out.

I received my farmer john today, and a few associated essentials. I placed an order this afternoon. And, I believe I have one last equipment order to place and then I will be set. Now, I have to consider gasoline, lodging costs, food, and the white-water expenses. No worries, things look like they are where they should be financially. No doubt, I have spent more than is absolutely necessary, precisely. Still, these costs were on my list, they have an associated purpose (and perhaps a direct purpose depending upon how much actual camping I do this trip or this summer).

I still feel a bit uneasy about people not getting back to me about many things. I have four trip related communications unreturned. Oh, I know, people are busy, time is not extremely pressing yet, and all that. As well, if everything just dropped off a cliff and I was left to do this solo with only my imagination, gumption, and planning, I would still do much of this. Perhaps the white-water trip(s) might be a little less involved, maybe I would camp rather than stay with folks, and my off-road excursion would probably be somewhat guided to a less risky area. Actually, I would probably save money. Needing to drive fewer miles and at my pace. Again, I am not really worried about that happening.

Oh, while I was out tonight, I decided to pick up a pair of weight lifting gloves. My hands have started paining me. The weight I have started lifting and the number of sets is getting to me. Added to years of fist-fighting, and the pain in my hands from that, I decided it was time to offer my hands a little support. I also purchased a weight belt. Neither of those items is fancy. Hum-drum basic utility items. I am hoping they aid my efforts.

Oh, that bone-in ribeye steak was good! I also had a baked potato, broccoli, and ½ pound of king crab claw. Very good, indeed. I am allergic to king crab, but I like it so much that every year or two I eat it anyway. I will, possibly, break out along my arms, from elbow to wrists, in a narrow line of what appear to be some weird form of acne. I am not sure if it would best be called hives or not, though that might be it. Well, there are some other affects from the allergic reaction, but I cannot recall them other than that they exist and are not really bad. Then again, maybe I did not eat enough. So far, all clear. Oh, a few beers tidied the meal into a proper feast. Now, to bed. I have been tired all day, it will be good to sleep.

Busy and tired.

I had almost forgotten about an appointment at 10:00 this morning. It was with my primary care doctor, both blood pressure and blood sugar remain problematic so I was glad I remembered and made it and on time. I had plenty of good news, I am taking my meds much more regularly, if it has taken a bit of time to get the diabetes medicine correct, I have definitely been taking my blood pressure medicine very well. As well, the diabetes medicine is now being taken spot on. Of course, exercise has been a regular aspect of my life and is expanding from straight weights and into other things on top of the straight weights. My weight is, if slowly, dipping. I am also attempting to become much more active, both in my activities this summer, but also within each day. I have been really pushing to stay awake all day and to get up and go to bed at a regular time. He seemed pleased with this.

Yet, we need to work on the diabetes first. So, today I have been prescribed insulin, 15cc’s at bedtime. Now, while I do this, I will begin testing blood sugar daily. My fasting blood sugar was hanging right in at 265, average. I am hoping this will bust it down and perhaps even allow me to back off the insulin and possibly all of the tablet medication before long. The blood pressure is not so much of an issue, at least in comparison, so that is on hold as we deal with the blood sugar concern. I received some bad news, for me, from my doctor. He will be leaving the area. Apparently he wishes to be closer to family. I suppose I can understand that, if he is from a close knit family, or his wife is. Still, he will be missed. He has been a conscientious doctor, he has negotiated with me and visa versa, and there is a shared trust. I am more than a bit nervous about his replacement. He has scheduled me to visit one more time before he leaves, to say good byes, to check this last medical change, and to introduce me to another doctor. I guess I count my blessings and hope for the best.

I finally was able to talk to my mother. She is looking forward to the pans, and I have indicated who they will be from so that if the ones I ordered prior to this somehow show up, she can know to send those back. This is a mess, and I will never deal with the one company again. If something is not in stock, fine, an email should be sent indicating this. They just lost a decent amount of potential business, and a fairly nice little sale.

I also made contact with people regarding the hold up on the gear. That cleared, and with room for me to move forward on the gear, I called and checked. The gear is what I did need and it will work as I had hoped. Now I am having a bit of a snit ordering the gear. I found a place that is significantly less expensive (in US $), even with shipping. I could not find a number (U.S., only a British phone number listed). I did find an email address, and sent off an email. I indicated that a phone call would be preferable, but an email might help. I asked if the gear they offered was 1’sts or 2’nds, if the prices were accurate, if the items were in stock, and if the shipping costs would be significantly higher since I am in the US. I had a few other questions, and I might have to see about them, but… A $300 savings on $400 or $700 gear, all the same brand, style, manf. numb. is significant, if I am dubious. If true, it could also mean I can pick up an extra piece(s) of gear I had initially been fearing for the price, or just take the savings and run… *fingers crossed*

I have heard nothing back from the trip related emails. I have not heard back about a coffee outing this week. I have not, yet, visited AAA. As some of these things were being planned, I had a visit from a couple of Elders from the LDS church. I always welcome them in, though I let them know my beliefs. I always enjoy the conversation and it is interesting seeing how they understand things.

I had thought to maybe go fishing or bowling, but I really am tired today. Oh, tomorrow might be a bit better, I asked my doctor to increase the methalphenidate, which he did (though, in fact I am now with the increase on what I had initially been on, so). Hopefully an extra tab will allow me to push even a little more. Tomorrow is work out day, and I need to contact Voc. Rehab., plus my domestic assistant will be here tomorrow around 13:00. Whatever else gets done, gets done. Whatever does not get done will have to wait. I think I am going to treat myself to a steak dinner tonight! That will get me out of the house and not be a shopping trip, right? I do not know that I deserve it, but I will certainly enjoy it. Gutten Nacht.

Though I am not quite done, I am doing good.

I did my work out, but it was later than I had hoped. It was past noon when I finally hit the iron. It was a tough workout. It took the wind out of me. Still, I did my lifts as well as I was able, doing them all and as scheduled. It did take a little longer than usual today. I realized something, though, today. As the morning worked toward afternoon, I had hoped energy would grow. What I realized is that it will not grow. I have to just hit what needs to be done if I can, and not worry about trying to energize. Simply put, and again, energy will not percolate up from my feet or something, as a fact, as I sit I begin losing both energy and momentum.

Ok, lets rap it up. I took the library book back and extended the loan. I walked there and back. I am so good, I did it while the library was closed. All the doors were open, and there were signs up near the parking lot, yet not a single sign near the back door I entered through. The college kid at the desk was not too upset, though he went back and forth about whether he should be. I decided not to laugh at him. I am sure he will grow a pair, or they will drop, some day.

I then returned home and collected the trash I had meant to take to the dump Saturday. I unloaded the lot of it for $3.50 and gas. It would have been cheaper to just buy bag tags, as it turns out. But the fish heads were really starting to stink. I had forgotten about those. As well, the material is out from under my feet when trying to enter the garage.

I wrote an email to solidify my plans, then I made an attempt to contact another man regarding my plans. I have called about the pots and pans for my mother, then ordered them, since they are in stock. After which, I attempted to call her to let her know when they should be there and to give her a phone number if they do not show up on time. Dang, I better check my account to make sure I was not charged for the pots and pans that did not show up. The great thing is I think I got a better price for better gear.

I did not call concerning the gear about which I am unsure. I actually considered doing so, however, I have something on a front burner that has required me to put the gear questions and order on a back burner, but just for a day or two I believe. Hopefully I can care for this tomorrow. I also did not call in about college. I just ran out of time, and was otherwise fairly busy with other things.

I have also stayed awake all day, so far. I am afraid of staying awake tomorrow. I have little to do and a lot of day. Fishing might take some of it, bowling which I did not do today could use up some time, and I might see if I can make it in to a mass. Of course, I have the V.A. Voc. Rehab to deal with, and I need to check about that which put the gear on a back burner, and then depending on that I need to decide about the gear and then order whatever portion I will need. As well, I might be getting emails back. Of course, I also did not make it to AAA for trip planning. Then again, I am not sure I will need them. Well, maybe I could use them. Ackh!

Goodnight. I am about to have a ribeye, broccoli, and brussel sprouts.

*poof*

Up and at it!

Good, good, I see a little push, some pre-emptive actions, a little forethought, and some gumption have combined to get me up at 8:14 this morning. I have spent a little more than an hour going through a wake-up routine, though I am not quite functional yet. And, I have plans for the day. Some you may have heard about, some which are just scheduled in, and some which I devised as I was going to sleep or waking up this morning.

On the list for today: working out shortly as a way to kick off the day, I believe I am going to try to start working out early (and earlier still if and when I can regularly arise around 6:00); getting a book back to the library and hoping that I can extend the loan period; walking to the library this time, and seeing how that goes as my feet are still a bit of a weak point until (perhaps) some corrective surgery is performed; investigating whether I have been charged for the pans I ordered for my mother, pans she has not received, then depending on that dealing with the charges with my bank and seeing if I can order her pot and pan sets I am sure will get to her, I already new sets picked out; calling about some gear to see if it is what I need, I want to actually talk to someone first, and regardless of that I will place an order of some sort with or without the questionable gear either today or tomorrow; bowling, I did not do that last week; several emails regarding my plans, now that I have firmed up my schedule I may start filling one of those people on my list as to when I will be where and I have another person with whom I need to confirm dates and such; and I may try to go fishing sometime today.

There may be a few things added to the list, some of these plans depend on others so regardless of what I do, their completion is not completely in my hands, but that is life. I am learning to know when to just hang out, when to push, pull, complain, question, or just inform others as to my needs and wants. Life is very tangled, problems can be complicated or simple, nothing is quite what it seems, and yet when I give myself and others a clear cut direction or directive, I get very solid feedback, quite often decent honest assistance, and I usually get where I am going or pretty darn close. This is a whole new world and ballgame for me people. I have been so sidelined for so long… it is not like I was on the sidelines, I do not think I was even in the highest bleachers the furthest from the game, I had actually left the game, field, stands, and had gone to a different continent where no one had even heard of the game. I cannot say I am quite back in the game, but I am planning for my first and second season, practicing, working out, making contacts, scheduling minor competitions to obtain a handicap for my game, to know my weaknesses, and to find my strengths.

I will not tell you I am not afraid. I was good in those early days, perhaps very good, some might say pro. I had a lot of things going for me. I turned powerful heads, caused tongues to produce echoes in chambers of power, moved little worlds, and began to have high hopes and expectations built around me. Then I broke and it all drained away while I was mothballed and given no hope. In those circles I will never walk again. I fear that in this new circle of existence I am attempting to rise within, shadows from the past or new shadows will come and obscure my way and hope, those two quite often being synonymous in my lexicon. It is something I will have to deal with, this inner jelly. I used to handle it, but I think that was when I was bulletproof or immortal or something. No, come to think of it, that was never true for me. I dealt with real, gun-metal mouthed, reach-into-my-guts and yank, standing cackle, trauma causing fear. This, actually, should be easier. I suppose I note it so clearly now because I, perhaps for the first time, notice that my chances of a new life are real, that the new life whispered in the wind is a powerful life, and that it is in large part going to be largely up to me staying on target, pushing every day, and demanding and commanding those who were sent to aid me, many of whom have great doubts, a stated political disinterest, or are out-right antagonistic toward my plans.

Enough, it is time to get busy. Oh, I had best contact the V.A. Vocational Rehabilitation officer. I received a letter Thursday or Friday indicating I have 30 days to contact him because his attempts to contact me have not been successful (though my contact information has not changed in 3 going on 4 years and I have received zero attempts by him to contact me, other than this letter). I understand he is trying to get rid of me, and no matter what I do, he will try to either just avoid me until it is too late or find some other way to say no without literally saying it, especially now that he is on my medical records having said yes to my doctor. He is going to be a serious pain in the ass, I may have to collude with other forces to bring down this beast's intent.

So far so good.

While I was planning my day, I decided to cook a bite to eat. I had some brats thawed. I usually boil, then fry or grill brats. However, I wanted to see if I could do without the boiling this time. Boiling brats really adds to the cooking time and the clean-up while not really adding anything to the taste from what I can tell. Instead of just heating the cast iron skillet, this time I added ¼ inch of oil (peanut) to the base of the pan. I heated that up a bit, then added the brats. I cooked them for about five minutes on a little more than medium heat, then turned them over for five minutes. I did this about 5 times, turned the heat to a low medium, and turned them about 3 more times (5 minutes per side as well). They came out well, and the ones I have tasted were good and done.

The movies went back, in two parts. When I turned them in (and glad I went in), two of the DVDs were absent their cases. So, a quick drive home would have solved the problem, but I had some other things on my mind. I asked what time the place closed. It stays open until midnight, every night. Good to know, I would have been able to take them in yesterday it seems. In any case, I paid for the two which were there then went to a few places to check on a few of my final items. I have been looking at camping, hiking, food, and first aid books online. Though I can get an idea of how well a book is written, I really need to see the item, thumb through the pages, see the appendices, index, table of content, and some of the specifics to feel comfortable laying out some cash. As well, a compass is a requirement, if not for this year then certainly for next year. Getting used to using it and becoming a decent navigator will take time. Best to start now, in a familiar and relatively safe environment.

First, a trip to the local outfitters. As I drove up, they were just about to lock the door. The owner or manager hesitantly asked if I knew exactly what I wanted. I did, so he let me through the door. As we walked into the stores interior, he explained that usually they close at 17:00, yet they also like to be flexible for shoppers, especially if it is quick. Redundant chitter-chatter, but that is fine. I appreciate a business which does this and the weather was too good to complain about. He suggested there were others in the store who could help, yet when I saw no worker who was not occupied, I asked if he knew where the compasses where, and if he had a manual or topographical maps. Yes, sort of, No, and No. They only carried two compasses (useful with maps, anyway), however neither a manual or topographical maps were to be had. He did know of a place to purchase local topographical maps, and suggested the USGS as a place to purchase (or source a supplier) for Colorado and Nevada maps. Good information, another piece of gear, and out the door I went in an attempt to not be the last customer irritating the staff.

Barnes & Nobles was my next destination (or were my destinations the other way around?, who knows?). This particular shop is not a massive book store, yet it is not tiny either. A quick look around and I found an area I thought might hold at least some of the material I was seeking. I found a field guide section for nature, including birds and bees (not getting busy or anything, just noting them) and all other things nature. I began a search for edible wild plants. I doubted that I would find anything for Colorado, but I might find something rather broad and general. No such luck. So, I went seeking first aid, backpacking, and hiking books while hoping to hit upon what I had been trying to find. After an half hour of looking, I finally went up and asked for assistance (avoiding the little guy with the petite nature and the “too trimmed” mustache, I asked a woman for some assistance. Simply enough, she lead me to the nature section, and around the corner (which I had failed to follow, though I doubt if it would have mattered), she produced a book covering wild foods. Then she lead me to an area which held many outdoor and first aid type books. I picked up three books, “Edible Wild Plants”, “Hiking and Backpacking”, and “First-Aid Field Guide”. The books appear to have been titled according to one of my favorite principles, that being KISS (Keep It Simple, Stupid). I had looked over many books, and with my basic knowledge, felt satisfied that the proper material was covered in each tome I ended up taking to the register. I now have more reading, but I do have an strong incentive to read this material.

After returning home, I picked up the absentee DVDs and returned them. It is good to have those in and to have the late fees paid.

It nearly 22:00, I have been up all day and I should be able to sleep well tonight. I will even get another minor task or two completed by bed time. I know I really need to either start walking locally or hitting the trails to add to my work outs. I would like to begin doing set-ups too. But those things are for another day. This day is a success. Perhaps I could have done more, gotten up earlier, or whatever. I will not complain, not with this day. It is a keeper.

Better?

The alarms went off at 7:30 and 8:00 as usual. And, I went back to sleep as usual. However, rather than just rolling back into the sack, I took my morning medicines and checked the temp first. The temperature was 65, a little chilly for me to be active, let alone to allow me to wake up. So, I turned on the heat, setting it at 68 or 70. Then, promptly went to bed and fell back to sleep instantly. I do not know if it was the medicine or the warmth, perhaps both, but my sleep was light and short lived. I was up and out of bed by right at 10:00. A mere 3 hours later, and I feel exhausted again. I hope the main of this feeling is just rearranging my sleep schedule. It is difficult to know. Thankfully it is Sunday and therefore I do not have anything vital to do today. Hmm, I could begin my lists though.

Oh, and I had best take the movies back. I realized after blogging last night that it was probably too late to take the movies back. Since they are late, I do not like leaving them in the drop-off, preferring instead to pay for the late fees and bring them in personally. That will give me a reason to freshen up and leave the house though, so it is not all bad.

I must admit, I am perplexed as to how people stay up all day, working 8 or hours or more, commuting, grooming in the morning, grooming after work (to various degrees depending on if whoever is staying home or going out), having a family or social life, figuring out how to shop and cook or otherwise provide themselves with food (even a “quick” restraint takes time, up to a half hour with windshield time), buy up-to date personal and work clothes, and everything else. Perhaps in time I might work up to this, though I must be honest, I am a bit dubious about the proposition. At least, that is, without some help.

Then again, I know a lot of men and women who are quite dependent upon each other to lead a successful life. I think that is the way it is supposed to be. It also means single parent families and double income families have a less likelihood of being capable of offering the type of lifestyle I am hoping for. I must admit, realizing my weaknesses and honestly assessing my hopes for life, I see many shortcomings. So, I work hard and then try to work even harder. But, damn, I am so very tired right now. *gasp* My goal today, staying up to 22:00, getting the movies back, and doing a little research on a few final items.