.
.
That used to be how the questions went. Always unsure. Oh, certainly, deserved. True of all. The bible is rather clear about what we deserve if left to our own devices. Truth is, now, that isn't the issue. I've been offered salvation, and to my knowledge, accepted it.
Saturday, November 28, 2015
How many dishes are there!
.
.
Ah, right. I finally got every dirty dish and bowl and spoon and fork and... I was getting ahead enough that doing everything seemed reasonable. I suppose, doing that late, as I was getting ready for bed, I forgot. Still, I have all of my canning jars cleaned and ready for kefir. The thing is, cool as it is, it's taking the grains a bit longer to build up. Better to have the jars ready than have the kefir ready with no place to put it. Actually, on that score, I am well ahead. I still want to wash the kefir grains again. I don't think they were all that bad, I am just making sure. The actual kefir I had was pretty rough, you can tell easily by scent. But the grains were okay. As I said, just washing, cycling, and washing again in order to really make sure they are good. If, when I finish, I have plenty, I may end up attempting to dehydrate a few small batches. I have heard that is good for long term storage. However, I would rather check that out on my own, and really find out how accurate that information is, and perhaps test shelf life in that state.
I am not working as quickly as I would like. Working is working though. Anything I do, more so if it keeps me ahead of the game, is good. I'd sure like to figure out how to push through but it just isn't available. It is getting rather cold, low 20's F. That might be part of it. Though it isn't close to all of it. I'll keep at it.
You know, something I realized when looking into my eyes? Many of the videos, if not all... you can tell what perspective I am suggesting by the color of the eyes, though height can play a part. It really is, sometimes, in the eyes. It almost disturbed me when I realized how that tracked. I didn't choose this, didn't realize it, didn't actually know what color my eyes were until yesterday. I guess I'm really, in spite of how it might seem, all that into myself.
I am gaming. I don't think that is the problem. I'm not gaming well. And couldn't work more. Actually, gaming, if I could push harder with it, might help more. I believe it is helping as is. Just not as much as it could. Though it had been a limit to work too, just not lately much. I am having a huge problem with one of the earlier bosses. Two were beat fairly quickly, easily. But this one... Well, another partial load of dishes, then to gaming, perhaps putting on a pot of coffee of making a cup of it if there are remnants. I'll keep at it as I may.
.
Ah, right. I finally got every dirty dish and bowl and spoon and fork and... I was getting ahead enough that doing everything seemed reasonable. I suppose, doing that late, as I was getting ready for bed, I forgot. Still, I have all of my canning jars cleaned and ready for kefir. The thing is, cool as it is, it's taking the grains a bit longer to build up. Better to have the jars ready than have the kefir ready with no place to put it. Actually, on that score, I am well ahead. I still want to wash the kefir grains again. I don't think they were all that bad, I am just making sure. The actual kefir I had was pretty rough, you can tell easily by scent. But the grains were okay. As I said, just washing, cycling, and washing again in order to really make sure they are good. If, when I finish, I have plenty, I may end up attempting to dehydrate a few small batches. I have heard that is good for long term storage. However, I would rather check that out on my own, and really find out how accurate that information is, and perhaps test shelf life in that state.
I am not working as quickly as I would like. Working is working though. Anything I do, more so if it keeps me ahead of the game, is good. I'd sure like to figure out how to push through but it just isn't available. It is getting rather cold, low 20's F. That might be part of it. Though it isn't close to all of it. I'll keep at it.
You know, something I realized when looking into my eyes? Many of the videos, if not all... you can tell what perspective I am suggesting by the color of the eyes, though height can play a part. It really is, sometimes, in the eyes. It almost disturbed me when I realized how that tracked. I didn't choose this, didn't realize it, didn't actually know what color my eyes were until yesterday. I guess I'm really, in spite of how it might seem, all that into myself.
I am gaming. I don't think that is the problem. I'm not gaming well. And couldn't work more. Actually, gaming, if I could push harder with it, might help more. I believe it is helping as is. Just not as much as it could. Though it had been a limit to work too, just not lately much. I am having a huge problem with one of the earlier bosses. Two were beat fairly quickly, easily. But this one... Well, another partial load of dishes, then to gaming, perhaps putting on a pot of coffee of making a cup of it if there are remnants. I'll keep at it as I may.
Work is happening.
.
.
It isn't happening as fast as I had hoped. Dishes are mostly done. After reading, writing, and waking I should be able to finish the dishes, or half of what remains perhaps. A bit here, a bit there. It isn't just dishes. Laundry today, and continued efforts as to making kefir. I am washing the kefir grains, as they have sat for a while, then feeding them up, and washing them again, before growing them for kefir production again. As well, I had to dump all the old stuff and wash out the containers. Fine, fine. Oh, when you wash kefir, it is best to use non-chlorinated water. Thankfully my reverse osmosis system takes that out.
I am hoping to finish dishes, probably do all the laundry, change the cat litter out, then deal with trash... have it ready to go tomorrow. A shower, maybe a shave, and simple grooming. If I get those things finished, and there is a chance to get out, I would like to go to town. Whether for a bit of shopping, which isn't in great demand at the moment, or just for a cheap and easy meal... I'll save that choice until I am actually heading out.
Tired, a bit off, still kicking and trying. It's what I've got. Hmm... coffee. Must have a cup or three of joe first. Later.
.
It isn't happening as fast as I had hoped. Dishes are mostly done. After reading, writing, and waking I should be able to finish the dishes, or half of what remains perhaps. A bit here, a bit there. It isn't just dishes. Laundry today, and continued efforts as to making kefir. I am washing the kefir grains, as they have sat for a while, then feeding them up, and washing them again, before growing them for kefir production again. As well, I had to dump all the old stuff and wash out the containers. Fine, fine. Oh, when you wash kefir, it is best to use non-chlorinated water. Thankfully my reverse osmosis system takes that out.
I am hoping to finish dishes, probably do all the laundry, change the cat litter out, then deal with trash... have it ready to go tomorrow. A shower, maybe a shave, and simple grooming. If I get those things finished, and there is a chance to get out, I would like to go to town. Whether for a bit of shopping, which isn't in great demand at the moment, or just for a cheap and easy meal... I'll save that choice until I am actually heading out.
Tired, a bit off, still kicking and trying. It's what I've got. Hmm... coffee. Must have a cup or three of joe first. Later.
Eyes.
.
.
As I mentioned, my eyes seemed to be becoming bloodshot. Starting with the left eye, then, I though, could have sworn, jumping to the right eye. I have been watching. Can't make an appointment until next week, or later. I could, and did, watch. If both eyes had become bloodshot, and I am almost sure they had, my right eye has cleared a great deal. The left eye dithers, getting a bit better or worse from time to time. I may have scratched it while trying to clear sleep from the eye a little too vigorously. Or Sam or Sassy may have scratched it while trying to wake me. Yes, Sam especially though Sassy if more rarely, will do nasty little things from time to time. Although, in general, I believe things are improving.
While I have been looking at my eyes I have been trying to deduce something else. My mother had suggested that my eyes were hazel(first and third are closest), of the green varietal, or even majority green(top two are closest in this set). For whatever reason, while wearing glasses, they appear rather brown. So, while checking health I have also been checking color. And I have to say, whether it is a true green, though with variations of green, or a hazel, is quite a tricky question. I have looked at night, in the day, with a flashlight, when I am more awake, or less, and I have to tell you... I think it depends. Though I must admit, I suspect, at this point, that they are truly a mixed green.
I then attempted to see if there was a genetic proclivity for a race, region, or such. Not so much, other than European, even if it is hazel, needs to be in both sides of the family. Which would indicate that my birth mother told the truth, that we are of the Spanish lines, at least in part. Funny thing is, my birth mother has quite brown eyes while my mother, the woman who adopted me, has eyes similar to mine. I honestly think both myself and my brother, if in different ways, both adopted, share many features with our mother. Placement, by appearances, couldn't have been better. And, while I am the tallest, we all were tall for our given demographic.
You would know that it is the least understood of eye colors. All good, fits my m.o. Finally got around to it, if more by accident from incident. Now I know.
.
As I mentioned, my eyes seemed to be becoming bloodshot. Starting with the left eye, then, I though, could have sworn, jumping to the right eye. I have been watching. Can't make an appointment until next week, or later. I could, and did, watch. If both eyes had become bloodshot, and I am almost sure they had, my right eye has cleared a great deal. The left eye dithers, getting a bit better or worse from time to time. I may have scratched it while trying to clear sleep from the eye a little too vigorously. Or Sam or Sassy may have scratched it while trying to wake me. Yes, Sam especially though Sassy if more rarely, will do nasty little things from time to time. Although, in general, I believe things are improving.
While I have been looking at my eyes I have been trying to deduce something else. My mother had suggested that my eyes were hazel(first and third are closest), of the green varietal, or even majority green(top two are closest in this set). For whatever reason, while wearing glasses, they appear rather brown. So, while checking health I have also been checking color. And I have to say, whether it is a true green, though with variations of green, or a hazel, is quite a tricky question. I have looked at night, in the day, with a flashlight, when I am more awake, or less, and I have to tell you... I think it depends. Though I must admit, I suspect, at this point, that they are truly a mixed green.
I then attempted to see if there was a genetic proclivity for a race, region, or such. Not so much, other than European, even if it is hazel, needs to be in both sides of the family. Which would indicate that my birth mother told the truth, that we are of the Spanish lines, at least in part. Funny thing is, my birth mother has quite brown eyes while my mother, the woman who adopted me, has eyes similar to mine. I honestly think both myself and my brother, if in different ways, both adopted, share many features with our mother. Placement, by appearances, couldn't have been better. And, while I am the tallest, we all were tall for our given demographic.
You would know that it is the least understood of eye colors. All good, fits my m.o. Finally got around to it, if more by accident from incident. Now I know.
Friday, November 27, 2015
Exciting.
.
.
I haven't gotten to much. I have eaten, made a pot of coffee earlier, started setting up a batch of kefir, thus started on dishes both out of necessity and beyond.
However, while sitting during a rest I began feeling an urgency, want, need, to begin cleaning, sorting, storing, and working. It is like I can see a path through both my physical limits and the complexities involved. Organization is a weakness of mine. Sometimes I can travel through that without effort. It's rare. I may be seeing a path. And, that path isn't two way. There is a chance that I could begin organizing... everything. It won't be fast. I will have to keep up on new stuff. Initially it will be weak, merely boxes with labels or written words. Examples would be "Camera Stuff", "Computer Peripherals", etc. Then those boxes will begin being stored in places. I just feel that it might be possible.
I may not get to it immediately, or I might. I might do it more or less quickly. I will make mistakes. I will be weeding things out as I go. Charity boxes, toss boxes, and boxes for stuff that I am not sure about in a number of ways. I see it. It might happen. One area in one room at a time, until that room is cleared. Then, perhaps, even taking everything out and cleaning. Then putting things back, things I want returned. Or putting some things in other rooms, or taking them down, or... tossing/charity.
It's exciting because I haven't seen such paths, or had any notion that I could do much, in some time. Since late spring. No promises. Could be a fool's gold thing. I just don't think so. The notion was too solid. Now I am hungry for not just the end, but the process.
Oh, and another thought came to me. I am thinking of calling my friend. Having him ask if there are any photographers in the building. Perhaps creating a photography group, maybe planning for an outing. It would also get me out. I can handle three to five, if they can walk. Wheel chairs are doable, but the motor driven devices are too big for what I have. Nothing fancy, for an outing. Just a trip to a local park, then maybe a lunch somewhere after. That, though, is just a thought. Not only would I get out, I might well learn a thing or two on top of simple practice. Not sure, just a thought, for now.
I'll finish off some of the dishes, the ones soaking now. Then a shower. Perhaps, afterward, a trip to town. Or not. Depending on how it seems outside. I may, if I don't go to town, begin taking pictures of the cave. Some pictures being more mundane, utilitarian, others attempts at artistic or unusual takes on the place and mess. Taking before and after pictures. Incentive? Recording for when I might not be feeling able to believe it possible in the future. Simply a photographic project with what I have and can do? It's not like I am, even now, really ready for much of an outing.
Definitely a shower, if I can get through the dishes and such. No pictures of that though! That'd cost you a bundle (mostly your eye-sight, especially if I warmed to you and took them in 3-D). *wink* :p Later.
.
I haven't gotten to much. I have eaten, made a pot of coffee earlier, started setting up a batch of kefir, thus started on dishes both out of necessity and beyond.
However, while sitting during a rest I began feeling an urgency, want, need, to begin cleaning, sorting, storing, and working. It is like I can see a path through both my physical limits and the complexities involved. Organization is a weakness of mine. Sometimes I can travel through that without effort. It's rare. I may be seeing a path. And, that path isn't two way. There is a chance that I could begin organizing... everything. It won't be fast. I will have to keep up on new stuff. Initially it will be weak, merely boxes with labels or written words. Examples would be "Camera Stuff", "Computer Peripherals", etc. Then those boxes will begin being stored in places. I just feel that it might be possible.
I may not get to it immediately, or I might. I might do it more or less quickly. I will make mistakes. I will be weeding things out as I go. Charity boxes, toss boxes, and boxes for stuff that I am not sure about in a number of ways. I see it. It might happen. One area in one room at a time, until that room is cleared. Then, perhaps, even taking everything out and cleaning. Then putting things back, things I want returned. Or putting some things in other rooms, or taking them down, or... tossing/charity.
It's exciting because I haven't seen such paths, or had any notion that I could do much, in some time. Since late spring. No promises. Could be a fool's gold thing. I just don't think so. The notion was too solid. Now I am hungry for not just the end, but the process.
Oh, and another thought came to me. I am thinking of calling my friend. Having him ask if there are any photographers in the building. Perhaps creating a photography group, maybe planning for an outing. It would also get me out. I can handle three to five, if they can walk. Wheel chairs are doable, but the motor driven devices are too big for what I have. Nothing fancy, for an outing. Just a trip to a local park, then maybe a lunch somewhere after. That, though, is just a thought. Not only would I get out, I might well learn a thing or two on top of simple practice. Not sure, just a thought, for now.
I'll finish off some of the dishes, the ones soaking now. Then a shower. Perhaps, afterward, a trip to town. Or not. Depending on how it seems outside. I may, if I don't go to town, begin taking pictures of the cave. Some pictures being more mundane, utilitarian, others attempts at artistic or unusual takes on the place and mess. Taking before and after pictures. Incentive? Recording for when I might not be feeling able to believe it possible in the future. Simply a photographic project with what I have and can do? It's not like I am, even now, really ready for much of an outing.
Definitely a shower, if I can get through the dishes and such. No pictures of that though! That'd cost you a bundle (mostly your eye-sight, especially if I warmed to you and took them in 3-D). *wink* :p Later.
Another day.
.
.
I haven't been able to get to anything, really, for days. I'm not feeling rough, bad, sick, down. I simply am not able to push through. Both eyes are now rather bloodshot. Not sure what is going on with that. I may see if there is anything to be done for that, or attempted, before including the doctor. OTC eyedrops? Am I not getting enough sleep? I'll look around for ideas and notions.
Gaming, blogging, and reading what passes for news is about what I have to do. Or more, what I am able to do. I might pull out another roast. That was okay. Though, this time, I will cut the cooking time in an attempt at medium rare. Tastier. Not much else. Oh, I forgot to make a call the other day. I may go ahead and do that today. If I remember in time, or tomorrow. Soon, one way or another. You have to know how that goes.
Hmm... I'll try to finish the dishes today, then get a shower in. I might even try to make it out. Perhaps just to the post office, though maybe on to town for a quick hot meal. Nothing fancy. I best get to finishing waking up, get some coffee down, while beginning to figure other things out. Later.
.
I haven't been able to get to anything, really, for days. I'm not feeling rough, bad, sick, down. I simply am not able to push through. Both eyes are now rather bloodshot. Not sure what is going on with that. I may see if there is anything to be done for that, or attempted, before including the doctor. OTC eyedrops? Am I not getting enough sleep? I'll look around for ideas and notions.
Gaming, blogging, and reading what passes for news is about what I have to do. Or more, what I am able to do. I might pull out another roast. That was okay. Though, this time, I will cut the cooking time in an attempt at medium rare. Tastier. Not much else. Oh, I forgot to make a call the other day. I may go ahead and do that today. If I remember in time, or tomorrow. Soon, one way or another. You have to know how that goes.
Hmm... I'll try to finish the dishes today, then get a shower in. I might even try to make it out. Perhaps just to the post office, though maybe on to town for a quick hot meal. Nothing fancy. I best get to finishing waking up, get some coffee down, while beginning to figure other things out. Later.
Notes and asides.
.
.
The roast was slightly overdone, but nothing I couldn't live with. I seared it heavily first. The time seems about right for how I used to do chuck roasts. Perhaps they have been shaving them down and down and I didn't look at the weight closely enough? I'll alter the time next time, taking the weight into exact account. Thyme, bay leaves, a touch of sage, garlic, and salted for an hour first to let all that work in. Just meat, save some stuffed olives I recently laid up. But that is how I like it. I'll get four meals of it.
My eyes are red, both of them. I'm hoping, somehow, that it's just strain. I need to make an appointment with the doctor soon. For the main reason, but perhaps for this too. A few antibiotics, I am hoping, if it doesn't clear up by then on it's own. I've never had such a thing. Not sure why I would now.
I'm not really a holiday shopper. Though this year, it seems, more than others, my email is full of offers. Just out of curiosity I have purveyed some of the sales. Nada. Wow, if this is as good as the sales get, and as limited? I see much better sales throughout the year. I thought they were supposed to offer serious sales right out of the box on Black Friday. Unless I am missing something many of their sales don't even look like sales, certainly not much of ones if so. Some of them look like street versus msrp. Some of them, I am absolutely sure, are not sales at all. Thankfully I don't need anything. Heaven forbid if anyone is waiting for great sales. At least at the places I shop often enough to receive notifications.
The last haunt seems to be settling down. I do think, to a degree, I am mollifying the affect. She did, sort of, jump out of my past. Fair enough. Until I could identify what and why I had a slim chance of placating, managing. I still get the sense that she doesn't understand, and would not really leave of her own accord. Whether that is my mind not wishing to let go or truly a haunting doesn't really matter. Both? Knowing her name, and why such strong feelings are involved, plus some experience while I am now somewhat more capable of understanding, and having an interest in rightly putting the past to rest as I am becoming less of a ghost myself, in ways, has made this step easier. I wish I knew more but with or without that, I am needing to let go. I have suffered enough.
It looks cold out. To be honest I am not sure it is any colder than it has been. A smattering of snow on top of everything lends to the notion though.
Not much else for now. Time to visit blogs, check the news*, maybe a few other things, and wake... or nap again. Not sure I should be up yet. Later.
*(though there aren't really good news sights... first Fox fell, then most online news sources have either become shrill "rightists" or fell in line with Fox)
.
The roast was slightly overdone, but nothing I couldn't live with. I seared it heavily first. The time seems about right for how I used to do chuck roasts. Perhaps they have been shaving them down and down and I didn't look at the weight closely enough? I'll alter the time next time, taking the weight into exact account. Thyme, bay leaves, a touch of sage, garlic, and salted for an hour first to let all that work in. Just meat, save some stuffed olives I recently laid up. But that is how I like it. I'll get four meals of it.
My eyes are red, both of them. I'm hoping, somehow, that it's just strain. I need to make an appointment with the doctor soon. For the main reason, but perhaps for this too. A few antibiotics, I am hoping, if it doesn't clear up by then on it's own. I've never had such a thing. Not sure why I would now.
I'm not really a holiday shopper. Though this year, it seems, more than others, my email is full of offers. Just out of curiosity I have purveyed some of the sales. Nada. Wow, if this is as good as the sales get, and as limited? I see much better sales throughout the year. I thought they were supposed to offer serious sales right out of the box on Black Friday. Unless I am missing something many of their sales don't even look like sales, certainly not much of ones if so. Some of them look like street versus msrp. Some of them, I am absolutely sure, are not sales at all. Thankfully I don't need anything. Heaven forbid if anyone is waiting for great sales. At least at the places I shop often enough to receive notifications.
The last haunt seems to be settling down. I do think, to a degree, I am mollifying the affect. She did, sort of, jump out of my past. Fair enough. Until I could identify what and why I had a slim chance of placating, managing. I still get the sense that she doesn't understand, and would not really leave of her own accord. Whether that is my mind not wishing to let go or truly a haunting doesn't really matter. Both? Knowing her name, and why such strong feelings are involved, plus some experience while I am now somewhat more capable of understanding, and having an interest in rightly putting the past to rest as I am becoming less of a ghost myself, in ways, has made this step easier. I wish I knew more but with or without that, I am needing to let go. I have suffered enough.
It looks cold out. To be honest I am not sure it is any colder than it has been. A smattering of snow on top of everything lends to the notion though.
Not much else for now. Time to visit blogs, check the news*, maybe a few other things, and wake... or nap again. Not sure I should be up yet. Later.
*(though there aren't really good news sights... first Fox fell, then most online news sources have either become shrill "rightists" or fell in line with Fox)
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Snow.
.
.
A decent amount. I can't really get a grip on how much, two inches? Maybe four? I just woke and the sun is out making it extremely bright. My senses can't quite overcome both of those. Plus, with the sun out, some has probably melted. Oh, and someone(s) stopped by and shoveled! Thank you. I saw it start to come down last night, and thought to get out. But without a clear notion of how much to expect, when it would stop, and all, I hadn't gotten to it. Then again I might not have gotten to it should it have stopped, or today. I am still a bit rough.
Thanksgiving? That's what the calendar and various things are adding up to as a suggestion. If, as I wake, I become more sure, I may post something about it. And, yes, I am quite thankful. More thankful than not by a wide margin. What is troubling just offers me something to figure out, really. Or to suffer. A bit of suffering isn't a bad thing. A lot of it has it's place. Just deserts, an opportunity to grow, or a warning that something needs to be done differently or stopped, seen as these things and pain definitely has a place. So, yes, thankful. Even if I can't change the past I might be able to show others how not to do it. Still, we will all make our own mistakes. The better trained and prepared the greater the mistakes it seems.
Today? I haven't a clue. I do have a roast thawed, chuck roast. That would make a fine small meal. Milk, perhaps vegetables of some sort. First though to wake. Coffee and time. I hope you have some mild or grand day for thanks. I hope you see it and find it and share it. If you can't, you will be in my prayers. I will be thankful for you. Oh, you don't have to understand. Trust that I do and that it is enough, whether you can see it or not. Be well and blessings.
.
A decent amount. I can't really get a grip on how much, two inches? Maybe four? I just woke and the sun is out making it extremely bright. My senses can't quite overcome both of those. Plus, with the sun out, some has probably melted. Oh, and someone(s) stopped by and shoveled! Thank you. I saw it start to come down last night, and thought to get out. But without a clear notion of how much to expect, when it would stop, and all, I hadn't gotten to it. Then again I might not have gotten to it should it have stopped, or today. I am still a bit rough.
Thanksgiving? That's what the calendar and various things are adding up to as a suggestion. If, as I wake, I become more sure, I may post something about it. And, yes, I am quite thankful. More thankful than not by a wide margin. What is troubling just offers me something to figure out, really. Or to suffer. A bit of suffering isn't a bad thing. A lot of it has it's place. Just deserts, an opportunity to grow, or a warning that something needs to be done differently or stopped, seen as these things and pain definitely has a place. So, yes, thankful. Even if I can't change the past I might be able to show others how not to do it. Still, we will all make our own mistakes. The better trained and prepared the greater the mistakes it seems.
Today? I haven't a clue. I do have a roast thawed, chuck roast. That would make a fine small meal. Milk, perhaps vegetables of some sort. First though to wake. Coffee and time. I hope you have some mild or grand day for thanks. I hope you see it and find it and share it. If you can't, you will be in my prayers. I will be thankful for you. Oh, you don't have to understand. Trust that I do and that it is enough, whether you can see it or not. Be well and blessings.
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
The greatest of my ghosts.
.
.
I finally have settled some of the idea of my friend. A memorial, and as soon as I may, a visit to his grave. Of course, I am not pleased that I was not able to be there, to see him, before he died. I am in a place, in life, where I understand that I sometimes have grand limits. Sometimes, even so, I am able to overcome those, sometimes not. More, I think he understands, at least now. Perhaps not while he lay dying. Now most certainly he does know.
.
I finally have settled some of the idea of my friend. A memorial, and as soon as I may, a visit to his grave. Of course, I am not pleased that I was not able to be there, to see him, before he died. I am in a place, in life, where I understand that I sometimes have grand limits. Sometimes, even so, I am able to overcome those, sometimes not. More, I think he understands, at least now. Perhaps not while he lay dying. Now most certainly he does know.
I'll keep at it.
.
.
Whatever else, I keep missing meds. This time just a day. Not yesterday but the day before. I got back on them yesterday. This time I am suffering for it, but just a bit. I'm not sure how to keep on top of things. I do my best and suffer the consequences.
I need to wake, then take a shower. I'd like to make a call and an appointment today, take a shower, and... maybe get back to work, if I can. I am sort of loopy, either from missing medicine or getting back on it. Bleh. We'll see.
Oh well. I will keep working at it. I think until I get used to the dark it will be a little screwy no matter what I do. Sometimes that has been taking weeks, sometimes the whole winter as I never get used to the dark. And without an external demand to drive me through it, or the capacity to exact such a mechanism, it's all on me. Most of you, trust me, if you didn't have to go out you wouldn't. For a thousand and one reasons.
I do need to get to the store. I am hungry, more so lately. I suspect as I, mostly, get back on medicines and begin trying to dig out, my body begins demanding food. I can go without feeding it, but that just puts me into a lower level of function. Best to get food. Not today, probably. Sometime this week. Later.
.
Whatever else, I keep missing meds. This time just a day. Not yesterday but the day before. I got back on them yesterday. This time I am suffering for it, but just a bit. I'm not sure how to keep on top of things. I do my best and suffer the consequences.
I need to wake, then take a shower. I'd like to make a call and an appointment today, take a shower, and... maybe get back to work, if I can. I am sort of loopy, either from missing medicine or getting back on it. Bleh. We'll see.
Oh well. I will keep working at it. I think until I get used to the dark it will be a little screwy no matter what I do. Sometimes that has been taking weeks, sometimes the whole winter as I never get used to the dark. And without an external demand to drive me through it, or the capacity to exact such a mechanism, it's all on me. Most of you, trust me, if you didn't have to go out you wouldn't. For a thousand and one reasons.
I do need to get to the store. I am hungry, more so lately. I suspect as I, mostly, get back on medicines and begin trying to dig out, my body begins demanding food. I can go without feeding it, but that just puts me into a lower level of function. Best to get food. Not today, probably. Sometime this week. Later.
Monday, November 23, 2015
Yes, the ol' clock is running long again.
.
.
At this point I honestly don't care if I am staying up late and sleeping long and late. Trying to push too hard for a while, and at least being able to make it to the last time/date based thing, that was good. Now I have nothing, in the immediate future, that is time/date required. Oh, sure, I'd love to make it to church. But... yeah. Maybe not. Making an exact time is rather harsh, at least for me. So, for a bit, I will just enjoy doing what I can, when I can. I might be able to get things twisted back around quickly. If not, so be it. I do wonder, though, if pushing has been what has kept me alive. And yet I also know I can push on everything all of the time. If I try to move my day around, that's fine. But then I can't work, definitely not as hard. If I push to do labor, I can't move my time around (though, I have found, if I push on work, my day will more easily switch to normal mode).
I reset the dishes. I am hoping to hit a load of laundry or two. I would like to hit the kitchen a bit. Nothing fancy, just little things. Well, and back to working on the computer. Today, tomorrow, soon, I hope.
For fun I would like to begin tinkering with the camera. I did play around with the new lens. I was able to set up autofocus, at least on one aperture. Sometimes I still need to manually focus a bit (though if my eyes are more correct than the camera is yet to be seen, if I am betting on my eyes... easy enough to figure out if I can get my laptop going with the processing software). I could do the same, most likely, for several more apertures. I have ten slots for various lenses/apertures per lens, should I wish. And, if the lens proves out, it might be worth the minor effort. It might be worth tinkering with simply to know. Who knows, one of the other apertures might actually be better, provided clearer pictures. Hmm... by the way I need to figure out the laptop. For some reason it tried to connect to wi-fi, and then became password encoded. I can't remember a password on it. I know I turned wi-fi off. So... Before I can begin using lightroom, thus mess with RAW and begin postprocessing in any case, I have to figure my way into the laptop. Bleh.
Still, a bit at a time, this and that when I can, and yet enjoying gaming so as not to do too much so that I end up crashing.
Oh, you know what's funny? Even as bad as I get I can still, and fairly often, do a sudoku puzzle in 9 seconds. I do that about once a week, though I even hit 12, 13, and 16 seconds even more often. Usually, on the easiest, I hit ~28-32 seconds. Just, on some days, and not even on the days I am feeling good, I hit a really fast time. So odd.
Off to a bit of gaming as I wake. Later.
.
At this point I honestly don't care if I am staying up late and sleeping long and late. Trying to push too hard for a while, and at least being able to make it to the last time/date based thing, that was good. Now I have nothing, in the immediate future, that is time/date required. Oh, sure, I'd love to make it to church. But... yeah. Maybe not. Making an exact time is rather harsh, at least for me. So, for a bit, I will just enjoy doing what I can, when I can. I might be able to get things twisted back around quickly. If not, so be it. I do wonder, though, if pushing has been what has kept me alive. And yet I also know I can push on everything all of the time. If I try to move my day around, that's fine. But then I can't work, definitely not as hard. If I push to do labor, I can't move my time around (though, I have found, if I push on work, my day will more easily switch to normal mode).
I reset the dishes. I am hoping to hit a load of laundry or two. I would like to hit the kitchen a bit. Nothing fancy, just little things. Well, and back to working on the computer. Today, tomorrow, soon, I hope.
For fun I would like to begin tinkering with the camera. I did play around with the new lens. I was able to set up autofocus, at least on one aperture. Sometimes I still need to manually focus a bit (though if my eyes are more correct than the camera is yet to be seen, if I am betting on my eyes... easy enough to figure out if I can get my laptop going with the processing software). I could do the same, most likely, for several more apertures. I have ten slots for various lenses/apertures per lens, should I wish. And, if the lens proves out, it might be worth the minor effort. It might be worth tinkering with simply to know. Who knows, one of the other apertures might actually be better, provided clearer pictures. Hmm... by the way I need to figure out the laptop. For some reason it tried to connect to wi-fi, and then became password encoded. I can't remember a password on it. I know I turned wi-fi off. So... Before I can begin using lightroom, thus mess with RAW and begin postprocessing in any case, I have to figure my way into the laptop. Bleh.
Still, a bit at a time, this and that when I can, and yet enjoying gaming so as not to do too much so that I end up crashing.
Oh, you know what's funny? Even as bad as I get I can still, and fairly often, do a sudoku puzzle in 9 seconds. I do that about once a week, though I even hit 12, 13, and 16 seconds even more often. Usually, on the easiest, I hit ~28-32 seconds. Just, on some days, and not even on the days I am feeling good, I hit a really fast time. So odd.
Off to a bit of gaming as I wake. Later.
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Awake and pretty good.
.
.
Not only have I figured out how to begin taking care of myself, and then doing so, there is more to it. Sun yesterday and today has helped. Medicines going in, and getting easily back on track. Getting out. Taking care of the pile of things that had been stovepiping other efforts, and even each other. Too much down too small a delivery pipe and nothing was getting done. And, yet, there is even more.
I did see Death sneaking up, approaching, nearing, call that action what you will. I usually take that personally. And, in this case, with health so fringe, it was fair to believe the toll was for me. Oh, I suspected I would live through it. As usual. Eventually I won't, but that is a very long time off. However, when Death approaches, if it is for me, it means pain. I don't know if you have ever been kicked in the guts? If you have, and see that coming and have no means of stopping it, you learn to curl into a ball. It'll still hurt, just not as much, or in as important of ways. So, probably reflexively by this time, I curled up hard. You can't truly harden yourself, but you can protect vitals. And that is what I did. But the pain isn't always, or always just, physical. When Death opens that door, some things on that side flood through, or attempt to visit, as well. Not all of them are favored, friends, or allies. Less so the ones who were once beloved, if I have any guilt about their hushed memories. Or simply know them as friends, allies, or lovers but can't figure out where they once fit, how they died, or such.
As I am improving, after the memorial, while doing more, much of the feared pains have either passed or not materialized. I am back to living, and some comfort of mind and body. I'll keep at it, as I may. I may not get to much. It may be a serious struggle. Yet, whatever, I am... enjoying life more freely again. Still a bit crippled up. But with no time dependent hoops to fail in the immediate future, I should do just fine getting some things done, in their sweet time as needs be. Now to figure out where my friend is buried though... A visit, in my time, will set that to as much rights as I am able. Later.
.
Not only have I figured out how to begin taking care of myself, and then doing so, there is more to it. Sun yesterday and today has helped. Medicines going in, and getting easily back on track. Getting out. Taking care of the pile of things that had been stovepiping other efforts, and even each other. Too much down too small a delivery pipe and nothing was getting done. And, yet, there is even more.
I did see Death sneaking up, approaching, nearing, call that action what you will. I usually take that personally. And, in this case, with health so fringe, it was fair to believe the toll was for me. Oh, I suspected I would live through it. As usual. Eventually I won't, but that is a very long time off. However, when Death approaches, if it is for me, it means pain. I don't know if you have ever been kicked in the guts? If you have, and see that coming and have no means of stopping it, you learn to curl into a ball. It'll still hurt, just not as much, or in as important of ways. So, probably reflexively by this time, I curled up hard. You can't truly harden yourself, but you can protect vitals. And that is what I did. But the pain isn't always, or always just, physical. When Death opens that door, some things on that side flood through, or attempt to visit, as well. Not all of them are favored, friends, or allies. Less so the ones who were once beloved, if I have any guilt about their hushed memories. Or simply know them as friends, allies, or lovers but can't figure out where they once fit, how they died, or such.
As I am improving, after the memorial, while doing more, much of the feared pains have either passed or not materialized. I am back to living, and some comfort of mind and body. I'll keep at it, as I may. I may not get to much. It may be a serious struggle. Yet, whatever, I am... enjoying life more freely again. Still a bit crippled up. But with no time dependent hoops to fail in the immediate future, I should do just fine getting some things done, in their sweet time as needs be. Now to figure out where my friend is buried though... A visit, in my time, will set that to as much rights as I am able. Later.
Memorials are good things.
.
.
I wasn't sure I would make it out. Will, wish, want, even need, sometimes, are superseded by the way it must be. If my body can't be pushed it won't go. Plus, being ill makes it so tough things are tougher still. Much as the notion of carrying 50 pounds isn't a cherished notion, but adding a broken arm or worse leg into the equation and... Even then, sometimes, to survive, one does the deed even with the tough breaks the world deals. This time I got my way, at least for this part of things.
There were a number of people who have died at the apartment. Three. None of whom had a proper funeral. Money is what it is, and this, and that. Kin are often just about as old, perhaps older, than those who have died. There are many reasons why not. And I don't begrudge, mostly. But for those of us who aren't family... So, rolling our own seems about what is left. And it worked well, as I see things. A number of us talked. My friend who still is there couldn't speak. I wasn't sure, but ended up speaking of him. He has been my best friend longer than I have known many people. We have advised each other, and ignored each other's advice, fought, and decided that wasn't a reason to not be friends. He will be missed. I keep thinking of him as alive though. At the memorial, after a bit of various talking by some, I saw something on the bridge he haunted often, and I... just thought it was him. Odd how that happened.
Yeah, I do feel much better. I will figure out where he is buried, one way or another, and make it over to visit soon. I'll invite those who might wish to go as well. It was good to hear others speak of him. I didn't really know the other folk who died, but was glad to know that they were being remembered as well. Now I can deal with it. I won't let him, like so many others, fade and disappear, until they became ghosts in the machine. Though I am not sure, with my health issues, that I had much choice. Though I suspect I truly tried to hide those people, some of them. That's when trouble really starts. You should bury the body, not the memory.
All good. I do feel much better. I am grateful they held the event, I thank God I made it, and I am pleased I was able to say a few words. I pray that he is resting well. He may have made some mistakes, but his guilt brought him around, and perhaps some other things. I think he really turned around in time and... just chose better. He was a great friend to have. He will be missed. He told me he had begun praying some time back. And while I couldn't get him to go to church, I understand that. So many people, and when so ill, tired, broke often, and more with his mobility problems... I can pray for his soul and leave those things in God's hands. And with some real hope. I just need to visit his grave.
Nights and days are going a bit kittywampus with this and that. But, fine. I've done... better. I made it, at least, to this. I've gotten some of the backlog fixed. I've started medicines again. Yeah. Whatever else, now I can just make it through life as it arrives, not worry about time, but begin digging back into things... as I may. Good night.
.
I wasn't sure I would make it out. Will, wish, want, even need, sometimes, are superseded by the way it must be. If my body can't be pushed it won't go. Plus, being ill makes it so tough things are tougher still. Much as the notion of carrying 50 pounds isn't a cherished notion, but adding a broken arm or worse leg into the equation and... Even then, sometimes, to survive, one does the deed even with the tough breaks the world deals. This time I got my way, at least for this part of things.
There were a number of people who have died at the apartment. Three. None of whom had a proper funeral. Money is what it is, and this, and that. Kin are often just about as old, perhaps older, than those who have died. There are many reasons why not. And I don't begrudge, mostly. But for those of us who aren't family... So, rolling our own seems about what is left. And it worked well, as I see things. A number of us talked. My friend who still is there couldn't speak. I wasn't sure, but ended up speaking of him. He has been my best friend longer than I have known many people. We have advised each other, and ignored each other's advice, fought, and decided that wasn't a reason to not be friends. He will be missed. I keep thinking of him as alive though. At the memorial, after a bit of various talking by some, I saw something on the bridge he haunted often, and I... just thought it was him. Odd how that happened.
Yeah, I do feel much better. I will figure out where he is buried, one way or another, and make it over to visit soon. I'll invite those who might wish to go as well. It was good to hear others speak of him. I didn't really know the other folk who died, but was glad to know that they were being remembered as well. Now I can deal with it. I won't let him, like so many others, fade and disappear, until they became ghosts in the machine. Though I am not sure, with my health issues, that I had much choice. Though I suspect I truly tried to hide those people, some of them. That's when trouble really starts. You should bury the body, not the memory.
All good. I do feel much better. I am grateful they held the event, I thank God I made it, and I am pleased I was able to say a few words. I pray that he is resting well. He may have made some mistakes, but his guilt brought him around, and perhaps some other things. I think he really turned around in time and... just chose better. He was a great friend to have. He will be missed. He told me he had begun praying some time back. And while I couldn't get him to go to church, I understand that. So many people, and when so ill, tired, broke often, and more with his mobility problems... I can pray for his soul and leave those things in God's hands. And with some real hope. I just need to visit his grave.
Nights and days are going a bit kittywampus with this and that. But, fine. I've done... better. I made it, at least, to this. I've gotten some of the backlog fixed. I've started medicines again. Yeah. Whatever else, now I can just make it through life as it arrives, not worry about time, but begin digging back into things... as I may. Good night.
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