I've been awake for a while.

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Up late, running hard lately, not doing right.  And, with so many things on my mind.  Things which need doing, things which could or might really get done, and things which may or may not be in the offing.  So much of a world out there.  And so little.  I live in the mountains in part to remember who I am.  Just... a little man.  Even if I were as big as my biggest kin, as tall as cedars, I'd... still be a small man.  Somehow, I think God put that in the beans of those who choose to worship Him.  It is something even He knows.  A part of the divine.  His place is different, but... I think He knows some things far beyond even what the most humble of men can possibly understand, even in this.

What?  I mean... I am overwhelmed, at times.  Prayers.  They help.  I don't "leave things to the Lord", I merely ask for His guidance, wisdom.  I look for what is best, among friends and family.  They can't tell you, or force you, or lead you, but they can act as guideposts.  They have their own wants, needs, too.  But...

Oh, and dreaming... of a woman... last night.  With her, during sex, I would laugh.  I... learned not to do that.  She... took it personally?  I would be going to town, and then remember something she had said, and just burst out.  Keep going, but... laughing my ass off.  I would, later, try to explain.  But... she never believed?  And felt bad?  So, I learned to only laugh on the inside.  I really have enjoyed life in ways I don't think many people even can.

Though, it does make me wonder.  What did she think I was laughing at?  If the roles were reversed, I could guess.  But, why would she have gotten hurt feels over it?  Anyway...  A curiosity I may never know, or not here.

Started.

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Almost all paperwork can be done online.  And, finally, Brave is acceptable to many businesses and governments.  They simply have to get used to not having unwarranted, unwanted, access to my data.  Or, certainly not as much.  So, all the paperwork to get the thing started has been done.

Far from over.  Of course.  I don't think I'd want it to move that quickly.  Just... an initial inquiry.  This time, unlike simply redoing the mortgage, there has to be a valuation done on the house.  I'll delay that as long as possible, and may boot it once, just... because I need more time.

In that time, clearing and cleaning.  Oh, and I wish to make sure the estimate is for my and their use alone.  I don't want that getting out, for good or ill.  Of course, evaluated and real prices are very often two very different things.  And, locally, I have heard valuations have been less than selling prices.  All good, mind you.  All very good.  Not that a sale is strongly considered, just... there is that.  Starting at $20k over valuations, for starter homes.  Mine, at this point, would be mid-range?  Maybe.  But... everything is... what it is, when it is.  Or... isn't.

Now, to get the house in shape.  Which will help getting things done, anyway.  I can definitely start getting quotes for some of the work wanted.  The furnace, ac, electrical work... running gas lines, installing a gas stove/oven, dish washer, and estimates on the floor in the kitchen and halls.  Inexpensive, but new, and level, for flooring.  I may not be able to get all of it, either.  Some of it will just be in the process.  I need to know costs, so as to begin planning.

As for going ahead with it?  Not a done deal.  Merely a most likely scenario.  Making these sorts of choices is difficult.  Stressful.  Exciting, though, too.  As mentioned, though, all of the paperwork, and a small expense for the valuation, have been handled.

As well, mortgage was paid, on time, this month.  The one card I am carrying a balance on has been paid, two fifths paid.  If I have money at the end of the month, I'll finish paying that off.  Or as much as I have money to do so.  Strangely, the more money I seem likely to have available... if it might not sound like it with the plans... the less I want to spend.  My goal is to spend as little as possible, perhaps even returning anything I don't spend back onto the mortgage.  I'm getting lower interest on the loan, if it works out.  I... don't mind the deal.

Though, I don't think I want things like refrigerators or even a gas stove on that.  I'll... do the little things, separately.  As I can.  This is for the bigger things, things I can't just "do", or even do over several months.  It would take years to get enough saved for a furnace, ac, and electrical.  Anyway.  Probably, but... still thinking.  Will talk to my mom, and brother.  They are as funny as I am, just in different ways.  I will talk to my local family, too.  Well, they are.  And I will.

Exciting, terrifying.  I guess I just... never thought.  Later.

Rabbit food and thoughts.

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I was out this morning, so... but couldn't do much about it until after some sleep.  They were watered.  I won't bother feeding them tonight, they just don't eat after dark.  But, tomorrow, they will be well fed.  Though, really, in the winter, they don't eat much.  What I had been feeding them in the summer, a day, they don't go through in a week.  Oh, I keep the feeders up.  They just... don't eat much.  New food, though, too.  That may be part of it?

I called, tonight, about potential employment... for someone else.  Not sure if they will be interested, but it would help to have regular help, for a while.  Even three hours a day, or the equivalent spread through the week... or two or three days of six to eight hours a day.  First to get the place sorted, then to do some of the upgrades and fixing, cleaning, updating of things.  Plus, sometimes, someone to tell ME what to do.  Or teach me, and let me get to it.  I'm... willing to put some of my fat butt on the line.  

As long as the money savings would be worth it.  I won't touch heavier electrical, or some plumbing.  But I can scrub, or pain, or even test and run wiring for a simple 120v line.  There are things I could do, if I may have to be taught some things.  I can learn, I can do.  And, if it saves money, and improves the house, you bet.  Sometimes paying someone to teach, show, then tell... is far more advantageous, in every way, than just paying to have it done.

Yea.  This will never be a new house.  Then again, I... wouldn't want a new house.  I want a place that is, was, and hopefully will be... for generations to come.  Clearing, cleaning, repairing, upgrading, planting.  I have heard how much the cost would be, for the higher amount.  And, yes, it would be tighter.  But... it would be every upgrade and repair, needed and wanted, plus some for help on the things I would be doing "myself".  I just need to get the place in shape for a more solid estimate of value.  Ugh.

Terrifying.  Sure thinking about it.  It is a decent house.  Big enough for a three to five child family, really.  With a history, and to my eyes rather pretty.  Looks like a tiny thing, on the outside, but swallows you up when you enter.  Or... much more... than one could imagine.  Rooms, nooks, closets, sneaky ways here, or there.  Artifacts of old life, and new.  Yea.  She is worth keeping, and keeping up, and living in.

Anyway... rabbit food, and thoughts.  Just to have the place cleared and cleaned, would be super.  To have it updated, repaired, and ready for another twenty to forty years would be even better.  I might even try to save enough, so that when the living room is cleared, I could get a big lazy-boy type thing for me.  Maybe two?  No, just one.  And either keep the leather love chair, or get a better one.  If a newer one would have to wait.  Later.

Just... checking.

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Lots of things.

First.  They pick up dumpsters on Wednesdays, I think.  That is, I believe, arranged.  All I have to do is get the dumpster set out next Tuesday night.  Check.  I am looking forward to that.  And, I should have more things down and/or ready to go out.  I figure I could have a whole extra load ready.  Exciting!

Then, I received a text from my mortgage company.  They sell the mortgages, they just do the paperwork.  CYA, I would guess.  Just... make your nickel, sell that for three cents, pocket the difference.  Anyway... something about equity.  I would like to get things done on the house.  But, how much more would the mortgage be a month?  Finding out.  Well, how much equity is there, too?

I was expecting... time and an half... 1.5 times debt, as value.  On the more hopeful side, perhaps 2 x.  But 3 or 3.5 x?  Wow.  Prices have... gone up.  Still, not sure.  Though it would be a let, a redone mortgage, not a side loan.  I wouldn't do the side loan thing.  Too messy.  I might even get a better interest rate?  Crazy, but okay.  Nearly "forty points" off?  If I am not sure about the details.  Not sure if that would be worth the costs?  Probably, most likely, just would cost money upfront.  How much?  Ugh.

There are two amounts I am considering.  Both would be enough to... do a lot for the place.  Definitely electrical, new furnace, ac, and probably a watering system for the lawn.  Probably inexpensive remodel (what little is needed else) in the bathroom, and new flooring in the kitchen, back porch, and hallways.  Easily.  It would be a new house.  Or, I could go with the much smaller number, and do the furnace, ac, electric, and en suite bathroom finishing touches.  Even that easily, with some left over... for perhaps a natural gas emergency generator (and probably stove too, I hate having all cooking electric dependent).

Even at the lower estimate, and that is rough, no guarantees, these updates would help.  The thing is, I want the house to be cleared and cleaned, before an evaluation.  I best get to it.  Ugh.  I would not have imagined prices had gone up that much.  Almost scary.  No, it is scary.

And, then again, I may just be daydreaming.  Who knows actual values?  I'm not sure, even if valuation is correct at ~3 x or more, that I would do anything.  Not sure if money put in would be worth money made on the place.  If... that isn't always what it is about?  How much more can I afford per month?  How much would the bigger or smaller number add?  Though it would be nice to live in a cleaned up place, even if just for a year or two.  Though definitely two dozen.  Who... knows...

Exciting, even if it is only a dream... for a moment.  I just... had no idea.  Does anyone?  I'd still like it to go to the lad, I just am not sure he could handle it.  And, I need something, should I be heading out.  Even keeping my equity, and using it as a base of operations, while I travel the world... with him as the local primary.  Lots of possibilities.  But... it's... tricky.

Life is horrifying, when it opens up right below your feet.  Even if, seemingly, for good reasons.  I honestly feel like a deer in the headlights.  *blink, blink, blink blink*  Oh well.  Life is good.  Things are... choices are... opportunities are being exposed.  Even good things in life can terrify though.  Later.

A bit more to eat.

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To bed?  I'm sure thinking about it.  Sunrise isn't four another four hours or so.  Well, a true rise.  Being in the mountains, we get... static interference.  And sleep would be nice.  I am tired.  And I would like to try to begin aiming, again, for daytime.  It's possible, perhaps even probable.

I did have another meal.  Just chia, as suggested.  I really do like that stuff.  I want bacon, though, too.  And eggs.  But plates aren't available.  Plates?  I mean pans.  Well, and I don't have enough energy.  So, yea, no.  Maybe I can get to a few of those things in the morning.

All night, but...

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I finally did get the trash out.  All of it, though.  This, that, and the other.  Front and back rooms.  Bagged and out!  I know.  I... don't think he thought I would get it out.  Tonight.  I... didn't... know.  I... had doubts myself.  I still don't think it was necessary.  They won't be picking it up tomorrow?  Still, worst case scenario, it wouldn't matter.  But... it is done.  I am pleased with myself.  It might have taken hours to get to it, but...  DONE!

As well, I stopped at the post office.  Medicine is in.  One of my cards is in.  And I can look over some of my bills.  I am beginning to look over mail a bit more closely, trying to keep up.  I lose track for a week or three, from time to time, but am trying to pay attention.  I'll keep at it.  The cold, though, has me down for a bit.  Medicine can only do just so much.  

More.  I got a meal out earlier.  A bit of a treat.  Plus, I... am, was... still am... hungry!  Hungry.  Absolutely.  As well, I got cash, for milk and cream... just cream mostly the next few weeks, then back to a split between the two.  Once I get kefir grains growing and right.  Hopefully.  Ugh.

As for sleep?  Whenever I can sleep.  I am hoping to stay awake until dawn, so as to get to chores.  Then on to bed.  Or... maybe... I'll sleep a bit then try to wake?  I don't know.  I'll do my best.

While I haven't found a job... every one I know who might offer a job knows I am... problematic.  Whether it is health, or just lazy, they may not know.  But they know I am... difficult.  Still, I may have an opportunity.  Not paying.  But it would get me out of the house a few times a week... perhaps.  Just... I'm... trying to do a bit more.  If nothing else, just being a passenger, from time to time.  Perhaps I can help, maybe not.  Dunno.  Not sure it will work out, but... I've tendered an option.  Will see.

Oh, I best find warm things to wear.  Though, really, long johns, an extra t-shirt... with one of them being long sleeve, wool socks, a middle and outer layer...  Gloves, though.  I really need warm gloves, or mittens, which can handle work.  I have caps and neck/head gators, and other options.  Good that way.  Just gloves.  Oh...  I also have the handwarmers.  But still need gloves/mittens, or some combo... capable of working in.  I had some, but only the right hand ones remain?  No, they had been all together.  Someone just took the left ones.  Odd.

Well, on to gaming.  I'd like to eat something, but... what?  Sardines?  Maybe.  Or not.  I am still hungry.  Could do a chia breakfast.  It's an odd thing, but good.  Tasty.  I really never thought I'd enjoy hippie, veggie, food, but... it works, and there are reasons for me to eat it.  Definitely doesn't make me a vegan, or hippie, but does give me the omega 3's I need to more safely enjoy my mostly omega 6 meats.  And handily.  Plus, as mentioned, it actually is rather tasty, enjoyable by texture, and just different.  Oh, plus cheap.  Ten or fifteen dollars feeds me once to twice a day for... four months?  Seems like it... three?  Even if it is pretty much daily for two months, that... that works.  I'm cheap.  Later.

Awesome!

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Done.  We got the chairs out.  Then we got it loaded with more stuff.  The front room, all I had there.  And some other places?  Plenty.  Oh, so much easier with another guy.  Trying to get them in the house, solo, especially in higher heat, was brutal.  Mostly the angles and such.

Other than trash, which will go shortly, sometime tonight, it is otherwise packed and ready to go.  And, he will be managing pickups and payments.  He... knows these things.  All online, tech, these days.  I have two months paid, mostly.  I think he said pickups are less than $22 a pop?  I am thinking three loads this month.  And, maybe, that will be it.  Or for now?  Yea, maybe.

Ah, I best get chores done.  And the girls fed and their litter managed.  I refreshed their water after taking a shower.  So... yeah.  I couldn't do more about getting things out of the way, but it wasn't needed.  What I had done was enough.  Oh, but wonderful.  With those out of the way, and things moved so as to get more out and going, I think the house will improve very quickly.  Just... having a place and way to get rid of things helps.  I guess I always thought it would be too expensive.

I'm telling you, if you have too much stuff piling up?  Just order a dumpster, then begin using it.  My world will stop being a prison, my belongings will become assets, property, possessions, not being allowed to own me.  Hmm... but... dinner.  I need something to eat.  Need to find my wallet, pay a few bills, and maybe get to town.  Or... not.  Maybe not today?  Soon.  Veggies, more meats, cabbage!  It's been a long time since I had cabbage.  Cabbage, ground pork, broccoli or some else, maybe some darker greens, hamburger, and... some else... for a soup!  Oh, I should thaw some of the chicken stock, two quarts?  Three?  Make a wonderful meat patty and veggie stew!  Yeah.

Well, on to catching my breath, then trash out.  Not sure when they will pick it up, but probably yet this week.  Will need a hand moving it into a pickup position for them, probably.  Exciting days.  Exciting days indeed.  Life can be so much easier, with a little help and a few out-of-the box notions.  Later.

Awake, for what it is worth.

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Not sure when I went to bed.  Sometime between 06:00 and 07:00, 08:00?  I just... maybe as early as 04:00?  I have no idea.  I keep trying to push through, to stay up, so as to get things done.  But neither do I get things done, stay up very long, or... much.  Sleep is totally off.  Not so much days, but any sort of schedule at all.  I push, and shove, and try, and it just doesn't matter.

The goal, if possible, is to get a shower, breakfast, and hopefully open the way a bit better... to get the recliners out.  And, later, to get boxes out.  Boxes, full and broken down.  Trash too.  For now, it will all go as I simply clear areas.  I will try to do it in an organized manner, keeping what has value, function, use.  Tossing what is not necessary, useful, or wanted.  If it has function, value, use, but I don't want it, I may try to keep it just long enough to turn it in for charity.   But not old, used up, junk.  Not even clothes.  There is such a glut of used clothes, and my size fits so few anyway.

I do need to get a shower, and do chores, plus feed and water the girls.  Well, and hit their litter.  So much to do, in so little time.  There is no way I can get it all done.

Oh, I am re-redoing kefir.  I have reordered kefir grains.  And, will be buying storebought milk shortly.  Using lightly pasteurized milk, in smaller pint or quart sized jars, so as to definitely grow grains.  As is, the grains are competing with the natural stuff in the raw milk, and not really winning.  Until I get enough, and large enough, grains, I need to go with the lightly pasteurized, hopefully non-homogenized, whole milk.  Though I have heard slightly pasteurized goat milk would work too.  Bet that would be much more expensive though.  The nice thing about goat milk is that it is naturally homogenized.  I'll... look.  On the good side, I won't need the raw milk for a couple of weeks.

Blood sugar is very high again.  I just... I must have been forgetting insulin?  Eating too much?  Eating at weird times, for my body and what it had gotten used to?  I don't know, but it is 258 fasting?  Very strange.  I am sure I have been eating less than 1k calories.  But, I have been eating that all through the day, mostly in fatted protein coffees.  Very odd.  I'll... just... get back to things as possible.  Do my best.  But when your days are flipping like a bird with a broken wing, from on high, managing things is... difficult.  At least, mostly, so far, I am maintaining pill medicines, if in a very haphazard, odd, hit and miss sort of way.  I'll... keep at it.  I honestly do my best.

Anyway... on to life.  Good... morning, afternoon, and day.

More than I expected.

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Far less than hoped.  It, as usual, simply takes more time to do what had been thought was less work.  Getting eating on both sides, the effort is more than proposed, and takes longer than expected.  Even so, I have the chair cleared.  Which wasn't a small task.  It was buried in... stuff.  Stuff on top, in front, to the side.  Stuff, lots of stuff.  Now it it, mostly, open.

I am planning on trying to yet get a shower, then go on to bed in time to be up to do more work before help arrives.  Or... so it is hoped.  I have to get to chores, too, and the girls.  Some food in my face would be good, as well.  But, who knows.  I am rather gimped up, with the cold and whatever else.  I just can't keep up on things.  Then again, it is February, it is cold, it is dark.  I am tired of being frigid.  And, yet, I am still mostly awake and aware.

I do realize, however, that I am no where near as aware as I am in the spring and fall.  Summer can be as bad.  I am not truly living, alive, awake.  Same with high summers.  Even if it isn't too hot, I sort of begin to phase out, just from the repetition of the heat, or cold in this case.  At least I am aware that I am lost.  It is far worse when you have no idea that you have no clue.  When you are, or might as well be, asleep.

Yea.  I'll try to get a shower in.  Then go on to bed, I think.  I'd love to eat something.  Might.  But something easy, even if it is wrong.  Such as beans and beef... along with cheese.  Nothing fancy, but it is warm, filling, tasty, and fast.  Later, or more likely, much later.  Goodnight.

A bit.

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Maybe some more.  I am trying to open up to the chair.  One of them.  I'm not sure where the other one is.  Was it already removed?  Or is it hiding in some corner, or in the garage?  No way it is upstairs.  Oh!  I'll be it is in the spare bedroom.  Right.  Should be easy to get out, if I have the space made for the other to be removed.

I contacted help.  I... may or may not be able to help.  But, I will be working on opening up the one that was nearly encapsulated.  Actually, I have that one, mostly, broken out.  That doesn't open space for the way out, but it's a rather large part.  I would guess, just opening it up as I have, was a quarter to forty percent of the work?  Maybe.  Now to open a path.  Not sure how possible that is, in the time I have.

Tomorrow, afternoon, I was told.  As... a possibility.  I will do what I can.  And, while doing it, some things might be taken on out to the dumpster.  It may be easier to simply throw things away, then set them... somewhere else.  I really am hoping to get that done, so that more boxes can be brought down.  And, possibly, taken out with the rest, or sooner rather than later.

Hungry.  Not eating well or enough. Will... need to eat, if I wish to do some work.  I did get to chores a second time.  As well, litter has been being tended.  I ordered more, since it was back to nearly normal price, with free shipping, rather that the price being jacked and just as much for shipping as for regular cost.  That was... crazy.  It's still a bit high, but compared to even locally available, at this point, plus home delivery?  It... is as good as it gets for as bad as things have gotten.  Used to be able to get this for two-thirds the price, plus free delivery.  It is what it is, and is as good as it gets.

Oh, yes, hungry.  Bacon and eggs, I think.  Four or five eggs, three or five slices of bacon, and... something else.  Definitely hungry.  Not even sure that will do it.  I just don't like scrambled eggs in the winter, for whatever reason.  So, fried... if I may have to clean a frying pan.  Unless I have one mostly clean, just needing a touch up?  I'll check.

Yea.  I'll try.  To keep at it.  To eat.  To stay warm.  I probably have to do waterers, again.  I'd like to get a shower, and do some more dishes, plus clear the dishes area, and clean it.  Ugh.  So much to do, hitting a cold spell, a rough day.  At least I am, mostly, back on medicine.  Seem to be slipping with insulin.  But, that's because my days and nights are getting screwed up again.  I... just... lose track.  Odd how I can keep up on some medicine, some of the time, but not all of it, all of the time.  I do try.  It just... I get lost.  Later.

Up all night.

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Plans.  Dishes, laundry, chores, litter, cat and my feed, a shower.  I did some of it.  Little, but some.  It took all night to do what I did.  One thing I got through, after many stalls, was finally finishing all the laundry from yesterday, and putting my blankets to wash.

But, then, I got stuck.  I kept running the load in the dryer through.  So it would be warm when folding the towels.  But, then, I'd lose track.  The blankets, finally, just now, went into the dryer.  My guess is it will take two or three runs, around an hour apiece, to get those dry.  I may even have to dry them separately.  

Chores, the girls, and myself fed.  Litter managed.  A few things.  Blood sugar is higher, again.  But that might be from eating all through the day and night.  When I push the body, it requires a price.  Even if I am not doing it on purpose.  Actually, I haven't had that much, it's just that I have been eating through the night.  And... I will have a bit more yet this morning.  The rest of the steak, heated, with eggs.

And, again, cold.  I just can't warm.  Even with the furnace up.  So cold.  While doing chores this morning, it was 11 F out there, if I read it right.  Which... I think I did.  And it is as cold as it sounds.  Sometimes 11, to me, isn't bad.  Some days it is a bittering.  It was definitely the latter today.  Hoping to get them watered twice today, if I can wake in time.

Oh, don't worry.

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No matter how a dream is developed, or thoughts sent, the truth is what it is.

How many of you have threatened down the front line of a major college football defensive line?  I have.  Alone, solo.  My cunt cousin got out of the place.  I thought there were seven, he says eleven.  Didn't matter.  And, yes, face to face, up front, me against a row of them.

Strange.

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Blood sugar, last I checked, was 200.  I, with supper, took 30 cc's of fast acting.  But, since it was high anyway, went ahead and drank about a quart of milk with the meal.  I've been good, right, and it didn't matter.  So, I didn't care.  I miss milk, might as well.  A few hours later, it was 179.  Whatevs.  Lower, for whatever that is worth.

Just tested.  And?  108?  Very strange.  No idea why that would do it.  It shouldn't have dropped 71 points in two hours without any more insulin.  Actually, I think I ate something else, too.  Whatever.  I'll take it, gladly.  But that doesn't make sense.  I will have a fatted protein coffee shortly.  Maybe the protein is the problem?  Perhaps the body stores it, not absorbing as quickly as I'd like, then turns it to insulin?  I haven't had protein in a day or two, mostly?  A day, anyway.

I am trying to split my protein powder, half bovine sourced, half veggie.  Just... so... if there is a problem with one, or the other, I don't have as much of an effect?  Or, something like that.  I may end up taking more protein in, but I need a lot.  Minimally, I have it that I need 200 grams of the stuff, just to maintain.  There is another formula, for finding out how much you need, and that suggests more like 300, to 350.  So... I am just hitting bare minimums.  Assuming anything suggested is true.

Anyway...  I want to do a few more things.  I did reset waterers.  And would like to keep going with laundry.  Will have to reset what I had set to spin warm earlier, as it has gone cold.  Then put the whites in to dry.  As well, I'd like to clear the dishes area, then set those to resoak, and hopefully put those out to dry yet tonight.  Take a shower and shave.  Then, maybe, put another load in to wash?  Ugh.

I did rebandage... or at least balm and put gloves back on my hands.  They are doing better.  But still problematic.  I figure every other day, or two days, gloves and balms and lotions, on and off.  Hopefully, in a bit, they will improve to the point where I don't have to baby them.  I sure hope.

Maybe not another thing done tonight, but just maybe a lot or even all of it... or some equivalent?  We will see.  Later, or good night.

Steak, for supper.

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Oh, that worked well.  Couldn't eat more than half.  Wanted to.  And, that was minus bone.  It was large enough that Sam and Sassy got some.  They don't get much, but...  I cut it into tiny cubes, and leave the juices.  Happy little ladies.  The only time I don't share is when I don't have enough for me.  Though, even then, I at least let them have the juice.

I think Sam's problem isn't worms.  She simply can't handle solids, or much.  She did pretty good with the steak, but really, left most for Sassy.  The juices, though, yeah.  Well, and oddly, she loves stripping the bone to... well... the bone.  She will chew on bones long after anything on them is gone.  She... has become a dog!  Poor thing.  I do what I can for her.  So skinny, it's horrifying.  But, even trying to feed her more cat food, but more just the juice from extra cans, and she simply can't, won't, eat enough to keep the weight on.  I do what I can, for her, but there isn't much I can do.  I suspect, even if I got her stuff to bulk her up, she would just expel it quickly, one way or another.  She just can't take in enough nutrients.

A bad headache.  I'll hit some of the painkillers.  I've had it rough for a few days, but was able to ignore it... mostly.  Finally, though, today, I had to do something about it.  Procrastination.  Sometimes targeted, purposeful, intentional, sometimes... like today... just... a... part of illness.  But, now, it is time.

I went without gloves a bit last night, before bed.  Then wore regular mittens to bed, but without salve or balm.  Today I went without gloves or anything.  The hands are improving, but I think I will do another day or two of balm and 'rubber' gloves.  I will be working on them, again, until they are healed.  I am tired of having cracked, bleeding, burned, painful, hands.  Who knows, maybe those dreams, of fighting fiery demons, have... some... truth in them?  Oh, well, I don't always write everything.  Part of why I have been so sleepy, tired, worn, lately.

A few small things.

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Laundry is set going again.  Hmm, I will check to see if something is in the dryer.  If so, I'll get that a quick warming spin so what is washing will be ready to dry right away.

Then I got out to the dumpster, and moved it out of the middle of the driveway, over to near the back porch.  And out of the way, so driving won't be an issue.  Not a complaint, mind you.  They put it exactly where I would have had them put it.  I am just glad they didn't leave it out on the frontage area near the street.  Beside a longer haul, and potentially dealing with traffic... at least the worry of that, it is gravel out there, and would have been a bear to roll, wheels or not.

So, some day soon, perhaps even today, things will begin going out.  I will be a bit careful though, to leave room for the recliners.  This thing is bigger than I thought it would be.  Which... is fine.  I am not sure how much weight it can take, or such.  Though, I am thinking, to call when it is three quarters full.  Other than the recliners, the rest will be loose filled boxes.  Old paperwork, some books, some clothes, not really heavy items.  And, as big as it is, I'm almost convinced two loads, smaller loads, will do.  Probably.

The dumpster was a bit of a monster, empty.  I may need a hand when it is fuller.  Will just set it up, in the middle of the driveway, as they had it... when they will be arriving.  I might be able to drive around it, or maybe not.  Can't be sure with the snow out there.  So... would really like to know at least which day they will be arriving.  Not sure they are that exact though.  Ugh.

Beside laundry, and moving the dumpster, I am hoping for a shower and dishes.  I just turned the heat up.  Still haven't finished making breakfast, but it is brewing.  Steeping in hot water.  Ugh, but I got confused, and set up supper already too.  I set the grill up.  Oh well, I guess I could eat most of my food for the day in short order.

Laundry, dishes, food, then... I don't know.  Well, there is the buzzer, suggesting I check the grill.  And, probably, finish setting up chia cereal.  Later.

So off.

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I was thinking it was going to be March.  Imagine my disappointment.  February?  Another month of cold.  I can't seem to shake the chill, cold.  Heat up, dressed well, showered, eating and drinking lots of hot foods.  Something is just wrong.  It is probably like this every winter, for the last thirty, but I mostly slept through winters.  Almost whole?  Definitely in large portions.  I'm not sure if being well enough to be awake is good or not?  Well, there are advantages to sleeping through the winter, for sure.

The dumpster is here.  Delivered sometime this morning?  It wouldn't have been delivered last night?  Probably not.  But I can't be sure.  Though, if awake, I am sure I would have heard the truck backing in, and the sounds of lowering, releasing?  Probably.  But cold as it is, and if I was doing something noisy... listening to music with headsets or such, maybe I missed it?  No matter, all good.

Blood sugar was 200 fasting.  It really shouldn't have been.  I have been using slow acting insulin every night, for the last two.  And I have been using fast acting.  But it has been slowly rising.  I wonder... perhaps the stuff I am using is too old?  I will start fresh today.  Oh, and I have been eating very low carb.  And, for the last two days, I haven't been adding protein.  I just wanted to see if that made a difference.  Several changes, but only old medicine would explain the problem?  I only had two fatted coffees, a chia seed breakfast, and two thirds a pound of pork... ten to eleven ounces.  It seems a lot, but at 280 it really isn't.  None of that should be elevating blood sugar.

Heart medicine is going in regularly.  But doesn't seem to be keeping bp low.  I will give it another week, than look at maybe adding the carvedilol back in, but cutting the second to newest medicine back to 5 mg (I think), half of it's max... which I am now on.  I know that full load, it all ends up crashing my blood pressure far too low.  I won't go through that again, on purpose.  

The hands are improving.

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Two days of keeping the hands wrapped in gloves of some sort or other, and with oil initially, and balm finally, on them the whole time, they are improving.  Beyond, having them wrapped and balmed is helping to keep me warm.  So warm I am giving them a break, taking the gloves off a bit as I get ready for bed, roughly... head in that direction.  

There are still parts which look like they were seriously burned.  The main knuckle of my left thumb, and around it as if it was dipped deeply into boiling water, oil, or lead... is very rough.  That just doesn't make sense though.  Perhaps, as suggested, first having it subjected to the cold, then pouring boiling or very hot water over drinks or breakfast, and that getting it?  By why very small areas?  My left ring fingers' smallest joint, the left fleshy edge of my palm next to the thumb, and several other places have it.  As if terribly burned.  I would even say burned clear through to the last layer of skin or deeper.  I have been working or healing these for weeks now.  It is just slightly improving.  Even so, it still looks burned.

I won't keep the door open, to the downstairs, anymore.  The girls scratch me, to wake me.  Not good.  Being diabetic, I don't heal well.  Less so with as sharp as their claws are.  More, I don't realize I was scratched from some time.  If I catch them, I can put on some bandaging and salve, which helps.  Otherwise I may well end up with scars.

It'll just have to be cooler at night.  But, with the gloves, and pj's, plus long sleeve t-shirts, it'll do.  As to what seems to be stigmata?  No change.  They are what they are, whatever is causing them, balm and gloves and keeping them dry and out of the air doesn't help those wounds.  So be it.  Stigmata?  Hey, if it looks like it, and resembles it, I'll roughly call it that.  Not really for me to say.  Then again, who could say for sure.  I just call it what it looks like.  So far, though, just the palms this time.  It hasn't gone all the way through again.  And my leg wound isn't weeping.  So...

Oh, those chops were tops.  Sam got some, and to nibble on the bones, after I nibbled on them.  She has finer teeth, and truly loves bones.  Even when I strip them done, she'll enjoy the chew.  Strangest cat I have ever had, but all good.  A cat after my own heart?  :)  Love my girls.

Another hot something or other.  Maybe just a protein tea?  Blood sugar is high.  But shouldn't be.  Two fatted coffees (about 200 calories total), .66 pounds of pork chop meat, and a chia breakfast of about 300 calories.  I've been careful with the sweetener.  Hmm... but... I have been adding milk.  Small amounts, but maybe that was enough, or... too much?  Yea, I... just have to watch everything.  Then again... I'm not sure.  I'll just be more careful, no more milk, I just... don't know.  Maybe too much protein?  Ugh.

Well, on to the beginning of shutting down.  Goodnight.

Trying to warm.

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Almost getting there.  Lots of hot drinks, chia, and perhaps something else soon.  A few pork chops and eggs?  The problem is, I am still having difficulty getting going.  Chores to do, other things to do.  But just can't get going.

Prayers for people in the way of hard weather.  Prayers for the sick.  Prayers that I can get going, or at least be at peace with whatever it is that must be.  Prayers for busy people, local family, distant kin, friends, and enemies.  Prayers for those who have been given, or stolen, power.  Prayers for those who must suffer, and fight, against what is wrong and evil.  Prayers for the church, and the right in it.  Prayers that evil will be vanquished within her halls and places.  But not real terrible worries.  A sinking ship... sometimes... is the best option.

Well, on to something warm, again.  Perhaps gaming, too.  Just to try to wake up, get going.  Later.

So cold.

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Again.  I just can't get out of the hard chill my body seems to be in.  From time to time I escape it, but for very short spells.  And, to be honest, it has nothing to do with the weather, temperature.  It is simply my body not being able to warm, or hold onto warmth.

Yes, dressed warmly, layered.  Yes, hot food and drink.  Yes, the furnace is up.  Yes, a jacket, on top of layers.  Socks, yes shoes... snow boots for the moment actually.  Taking medicines.  It is simply cold beyond my comfort.  So odd.  As soon as I can wake, I'll get a shower in.  Sometimes that helps.  If it is a challenge to get through the cold TO the shower, and get warmed up.  Well, and that spot, after, even with the furnace up high, when I am freezing while drying and dressing.  Still, it... can help.

Water is heating for breakfast.  Though bacon and eggs would be good too.  three eggs, I think, and two slices of bacon, will be what I try to eat... when I go that way.  Later, pork chops and a veggie if I can find some.  These are thin-cut.  I'll grill them, if I can get to that.  I might even have a few eggs with them?  Maybe.

I didn't think I'd like thin-cut chops.  But, to be honest, they grill up very well, and quickly.  The thicker chops actually have a lot of trouble grilling.  And are often a bit more dry.  Though these recent ones are so well marbled, I really can't complain.  Though, probably, I should have only one.  They are almost a pound apiece.  While the thin ones are a pound for all four.  I usually only eat two of those at a time.  Though could easily eat all, as they are bone in, so probably only two thirds of a pound of actual meat.  Chattering.

On to waking.  Oh, the dumpster should be here sometime this week.  Then, just to fill it.  As quickly as possible.  Two chairs, first.  Then boxes.  I'll be putting in full and broken down boxes.  My job, really, isn't to sort.  at least not between trash and recycling.  It is to remove as much non-wanted, unneeded, volume as possible, as quickly as possible.  Two loads this month.  I have it paid for two months, ahead.  So all expenses would be in getting them emptied.  At, I think, around $20~$30 per emptying.  Exciting.

Well, on to waking.  Oh, blood sugar was high this morning... 158 fasting.  Potatoes?  Eating late?  Eating too much, even if mostly fats?  A combination?  The weekly average is 126, so not terrible.  But lately, fasting reads have been high.  I definitely have been doing day readings, and dosing, plus making sure to get slow acting insulin in at night.  I just don't get it.  I'll keep at it.  Later.

So very cold.

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Dressed warmly, eating and drinking hot foods and drinks, the furnace is up.  Everything I can do, to be warm, and yet I am frigid.  No real way to get warm.  I'll try a few things though.  To be honest, I think it is just my body not being able to function.

I wasn't really able to do much today.  I did have some things, easy things, to eat.  But I wanted something more, something better.  A real meal.  I called a friend, to see if he might be heading to town, or even in town.  Just... in case.  As it turned out, he was not in town, and was not going to go to town.

Well, okay.  Still, knowing what I had wanted, he had an option.  Dinner, served.  He was making brisket, for his family.  Would I like some?  Pftftft!  Would I!?!  Yes, yes indeed.  I had only been expecting a bit of meat.  I ended up with a pretty good platter, plus potatoes, broccoli, and brussels sprouts!

He discussed having difficulty with this brisket.  Overcooking it, a bit.  Through a technical error.  I just commiserated.  So easy to make a mistake.  And, every time you cook foods, it... it's different.  It is always a bit of a trick.  Before tasting.  He was gone before I dug in.  He had nothing to worry about.  It was quite good.  Smoked well, too.  I'm not the best at smoking things, he seems to have it down.  He wouldn't even take a dime of dollars or else.  So, I did get a very good meal.  Just for the asking.

Anyway...  I did a few tricks, and seem to be slightly warming.  Can't be sure what the problem is, but lately, I just can't get warm.  Blood pressure medicine has been every day for seven days, today.  Blood sugar is, mostly, being controlled.  I am drinking enough.  Ah, eating.  I am probably not eating even a thousand calories a day.  Today may well help.  But, I should eat more.  I have thawed meat, for today but I just wasn't able to get to it.  Tomorrow.  I'll be ready for better eating.  Grilling myself.  Just pork chops, thin cut, but that should do.  Eggs and bacon early?  And a chia breakfast, if for lunch?  Yeah.  I need food.  That might be the problem.

Goodnight.

Kept looking.

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Still haven't found the cotton gloves.  But I did find gloves I kept around for kitchen duty, such as working with messy foods or hot peppers.  Medical, too, if I were to ever do any of that.  Not rubber, but like what you find in doctor offices.  I first soaked my hands in lotion, the put the gloves on.  I may take turns having them on, then off.  Always putting salve or baby oil on under.  As well, when I go out, I'll put other gloves over these.

I am still not sure what is causing the problem.  Too much protein, too much fat, body adjusting to one or both of those?  Too much heat, or even exposure to cold, or the cold then the heat?  I just don't know.  And, as mentioned, there seems to be two different problems going on.  They aren't the same.

Now, with these on, and with other gloves to go over them both outside and while trying to do dishes and such, more work can go forward.  I have been hampered, a bit, with my hands being so sore.  Water, hot and cold, and soap, hurt them more, and seemed to exacerbate at least one form of what is going on.  The other just does what it does.  I have two, nearly full, boxes of these gloves.  So I won't have difficulty changing them at will.  If I get down to half this first box, I'll order another.  Maybe order and extra box on the first anyway?  Maybe.

Yes, well... on to chores.  And, then to dishes?  Something.  Now that I can protect my hands a bit, I can try to get to more work.  It really is rough when your hands are shredded, and you have to put them in hot or even cold water, with or without soap.  Brutal, lately.

I best get to it.  later.

Crashed.

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Down, again, at 10:00?  Maybe.  Then up around noon?  Something like that.  All good.  Feeling warmer, which helped.  Part, or the main, of the reason I crashed was because I felt chill of a sudden!  Oh, I just fell into a sensation of cold I couldn't shake, escape, or alter.  Then, just fell.  Sleep was the only option.  Down I went.

A good sleep.  For whatever reason, when I woke, I was warm again.  Warm enough.  Among the living, I guess is how to put it.  A short sleep, at least.  I really wonder if a cold spell came through, just a touch of cold from out there, that got into the house.  I can do that.  I think it did.

Blood pressure taken.  I had to take it a few times, the best I could do was 124/90 with a pulse of 78.  Blood sugar, after being good this morning, and only eating a chia seed breakfast (which often actually lowers blood sugar)... but with the nap (which can raise it), was 159.  So, yea, a dose with a fatted protein coffee.  I am adding two thirds of a dose of both animal and vegetable protein powders.  Hopefully, getting the best of each while not dealing with the worst?  Maybe.

I will be getting frozen fruit, for smoothies, so I don't have to always do coffee.  Kefir and protein, or kefir fruit and protein, depending on the day, mood, and whether something cool, or hot with the coffee, is preferred.  A few bags, not too many.  When they go, they go pretty awfully.

I did look at protein shakes, premade.  But those are very expensive.  Much less expensive, and with a lot more options, to buy your own stuff and mix it yourself.  I could probably make it in batches, just stirring when needed.  Enough for, say, seven shakes through the week?  Then again, it really isn't that difficult to mix right then and there.

Chores.  It's cold out.  I did check.  I think it read 16 or 17 F.  With a mild wind, breeze, depending on the moment and how you label things.  Cold.  Wearing gloves isn't an option, at this point.  With the skin on my hands flaking and worse, I have to have them covered when I go out.  I have been looking for those cotton gloves, to act as all-over bandages... to put on top of salve and wear all of the time.  But they... maybe have been stolen?  

Why would they steal those?  The box may be deeper in the bathroom pantry, so I'll look.  But I was pretty sure where the were.  I got them for times like this, more when stigmata was at it's worst.  I... tried everything to... fix that.  Not sure it's a blessing, or holy.  Just that it hurts and can be awkward in public.

Anyway...  I best get to chores.  I'll finish my fatted protein coffee first.  Then... wake a bit more.  Then get to it.  Later.

When warm, less sleep needed?

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I didn't get down until about midnight.  Not because I wasn't tired, I was tired as hell.  I just... couldn't go on and get to bed.  Too cold!  I left the door open to the downstairs, and wore a long sleeve shirt on to bed.  As well, I bandaged my hands, like a mummy almost.  With salve under the gauze.

Between this, and that, and else, I slept rather warmly.  I also awoke much more easily.  Now, when I first went to bed, it read 44 up there, near me.  I believe it read 54 closer to the staircase.  But, as I woke, it read more like 61.  And, yes, that definitely made a difference.  I opened the door to upstairs several hours before going to bed.  Odd that it took so long to get warmth up there.  But, so be it.

I wanted some glucose tabs, and went for it.  But after doing a blood sugar check.  Glad I did.  Blood sugar is 105 fasting this morning.  So, why have some glucose tabs?  Because my system said so.  It doesn't often suggest such, but when I does, I generally do just that.  Often checking blood sugar first.  While this isn't that low, I wonder if it is trending much lower, about to drop, or something else.  My instincts were to take a few tabs, so I did.

Now for breakfast.  Just chia again.  I used to have trouble with sudsy urine.  I guess that meant I was having too much protein.  But, more, I think, that I was having an imbalance of protein.  I was having too much omega 6, way too little omega 3.  As I have drastically increased omega 3's, through chia and else, many of the symptoms of too much protein went away.  If, too, some of that may have been from kidney and liver problems.  Oh, I may check bp and pulse today.  Today is the seventh full day I have been back on pill medicines... at the theoretical proper doses.  Will see if it is working out.

One problem at a time.  And through diet, as much as possible.  It isn't totally possible to fix everything, at this point, through diet... certainly not on my own.  But, I seem to be fixing bits and pieces, and medicating the rest.  I still have some hope to get food to do more of the fixing.  Only time will tell on that.

Chia for breakfast, a few thin pork chops, with eggs, later.  Then?  I don't know.  The spaghetti I had last night was okay.  If I think, in spite of else, that it did spike blood sugar a bit.  Maybe not the noodles, but the spaghetti sauce?  Most likely.  I did have to dose.  Still, got it managed, obviously.  And it wasn't a major dose.  Just a managing stick of the goo.  

Oh, and, my muscles do seem to be hardening.  Protein is doing something.  Not just my arms, by my torso... core.  Legs?  I haven't checked those.  But, getting up off the floor, where as mentioned I sleep, should have been adding strength instead of just adding to exhaustion.  I think it has finally started adding muscle to my body.  If it continues, as mentioned, I will begin doing exercises on top of what is already happening.  

You have to have muscle to use it.  But to use it, you have to have it?  A form of the chicken and the egg, one seems to have to come first, but there obviously was a way, and it might not at all be what one would think.  I don't think the chicken was the chicken, at first, and the egg was an egg, just not a chicken egg, until it was.  Which came first is still unknowable, as they became what they are, or were, as they are still changing.  And,, what they will be... it... just doesn't quite add up the way most would like it to do.

The same with building muscle.  A bit of it, seemingly, comes out of the thin air of right nutrients and taxation.  Then... goes from there.  My arms might not be growing all that fast, but they are hardening, and beginning to grow?  I think so.  Plus, I am not so tired just from getting up in the mornings.  Perhaps, in time, I won't need two hours to wake up, shake exhaustion, in the morning.  I'll try.

Well, on to breakfast, medicine, and waking.  Later.