A day of rest.

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Needed, and deserved, within the givens.  Further,  I didn't have much choice.  With fall coming on, and it being overcast and raining, it was a good day to unwind.  I am hoping, next week, to hit it a bit again.  Both at home and out there.

To bed late, up early, revisited.

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I need to quit that.  But... it is what it is.  I simply couldn't quite go down.  Two days out in a row and it took a bit to cool down?  Nah.  The trips were cake.  They did slowly wear me down each day, but that is supposed to happen.  More so for me, and so it went.  But, really, cake.  Especially for me.  No, it wasn't that.  Staying up late has just been what it was.  Waking early has been it's own thing.  Neither of which do I understand, fully.  Perhaps the game, and life, are somehow adding motivation to my gumbo?  Maybe.  It's even dark outside, raining.  But it's a southern influx.  Cool, but... different.  Not a northern thing.  Perhaps the hi's and low's are different.  Can't really say.  All good though.

Today, however, will be a slower paced day.  I am hoping to do a few things, through the day, but just minor tweaks here and there.  Tools getting policed, picking up and recycling to be tended, perhaps looking over the dryer to see how to get that going again.  Nothing fancy, nothing big, nothing too draining, but not stopping either.  Monday or Tuesday I hope to be back in town.  Until then resting and relaxing just a bit with a hope of hitting next week a bit harder, doing a bit more, becoming somewhat regular.

I still have a shop to put together and an en suite bathroom to rediscover through rebuilding.  It shouldn't be too much work, just a lot of it, some of it slightly technical, and all of it will have to be a sustained effort.  I may be surfacing to the point where I might be able to hit it, or bits of it.  I can't believe how often I have been down this summer.  Even keeping meds and food on as much call as possible.  It would be quite easy to just quit.  To surrender to "facts".  But I won't, can't.  Hmm...  Well... a bit of waking then I'll think about what to do first.  Later.

Yes!

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To town.  Later, as I suspected, in the afternoon.  Taxes, and registration first.  Then on to the DMV for a renewal.  Now you have to have a birth certificate or passport!  Even for a renewal?  Oh well.  They issued me a temporary license, good for six months.  When I bring that in, and my social security card, they will issue me a permanent(*) card.  Well, that does buy some time.  DMV is messed up.  Not that, I don't mind that, save for it is going to mean a lot of paperwork and writing, calling, talking, and spending.  I should have a birth certificate, so that isn't so bad.  The six month time-table is what is troubling.  I'll... get right on that.

After that, I did make it to the hardware store.  I had no idea where a lint cleaning tool might reside so had to ask.  While I was at it, I... looked at belt sanders and shop wet/dry vacs.  I just... wasn't sure with the sanders.  However, they had the shop vacs I had reviewed, and approved, and at a reasonable price, so I got one of those.  Many of my tools, and tools I would like to purchase, have systems to hook right into a shop vac.  Most also have little bags, but those really are a nuisance.  Plus, a wet/dry vac is almost a must for any homeowner.  From a waterheater failure to a leak or overrunning sink, plus the shop use, it is invaluable.

I called my friend before heading out.  He is okay, his phone was just acting up yesterday.  What a relief.  Last night, while I didn't mention it, I had a dream in which I met the most important of my dead.  Father, grandfather, woman, brothers, and even some I put in the grave.  It was a hard thing.  I met them and they wanted me with them, and for it all to be... as it was, or better as it is for those who I met.  Even former enemies...  there was no animus... only a new understanding.  It was a hard dream, so wonderful, and yet... here I am and there they are.  It is a new place I am told, though this I knew.  I fear knowing others... the neighbor and family, a woman in the making, and some others... cause me great trepidation.  I hate to lose.  And while I can't seem to lose, almost everyone else I love seems to not be able to win.  I don't need my friend to add to the list.

Never mind.  I got him out for a dinner, on me this time.  And then did a bit more shopping on top of it.  Oddities, but needed.  Shampoo, cat litter and food, and some other odds and ends.  I like having several months of cat food and litter on hand.  I usually nearly run out, so it's not without reason.  I just can't, recently, guarantee that I can shop.  I wish I could stock for about a year at a time, then revise every six months.  I'm not in that kind of order, not quite yet.  maybe never.  But... I am doing much better.  Even when down, I keep something in the larder for when I can eat, something for the girls, and keep them tended.  All else goes to hell in a handbasket off a cliff into fire, but...

Well... on to a bit of gaming to cool off.  Probably good night.

Late to bed, early to rise, again, again?

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Yup!

I need to stop that.  But, after yesterday I couldn't cool down fast enough.  And today will be another day out if I can.  Car and house taxes, a package to be sent, a tool to clean the lint from the hose, perhaps another to clean after the hose.  I'll look that over before heading out.  A meal at some point, as well.  Love me some "free" food.  If I get out early enough, so am back long enough to get hungry yet today, I may fire the grill and do some cooking out there too.

Fall is here.  Whether by the date, that I don't know.  But the feel is here.  It is still pretty warm out there though, at least for a cavedweller.  I hope to get to town before it warms too much, but I'm not thinking that will happen.  I'll probably be hitting town around noon, or even into early afternoon.  I've got to get the body motivated, my mind on track, and a shower.  Today will be a bit difficult but I think I can.  I will certainly give it a shot.

That's it for now.  I hope the mountain being made as your mole-hill is tenable today.  Don't let them ever kid you.  Doesn't matter what they do, or can do, they are probably ignoring what has been cleared for them to do what they do.  If it's hard, given your situation, then that is just what it is.  Have heart, but know when to fight the battle and when to retreat.  No use falling on your face.  Mine is too pretty...  Well... too pretty ugly.  But I am sort of used to it.  Later!

Made it!

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Wasn't sure.  Time is harsh, and when moving slowly, a true enemy.  I didn't get started on laundry until 11:00 or so.  But that didn't work.  I tinkered until about 14:30 before realizing there was a problem that will have to be solved.  Most likely a dryer vent hose cleaner is what is required.  I actually meant to get that today but it wasn't really possible.  If I make it to town tomorrow, or Monday, I'll try to fit that in with business.  Yeah, yeah, should have that tool.  But, as a new home owner, there are some things one never considers.  My landlords took care of such matters before.  I had no idea, though... when the problem cropped up, I actually did know what... might solve it.  Not bad, in a way.

I bought everything on my list and change.  Soda wasn't really on the list, but it makes a nice alternative to coffee some days, or when making coffee seems like too much work!  It happens.  Three different stores and rush hour.  Bleh.  I called my friend, to take him out for a meal.  His phone went to message.  He has never had messaging functioning before.  I am a bit worried, truth be told.  I called again, a few minutes later.  Same.  And he hasn't called back.  Yeah... I'll have to follow up on that.  But I did have a meal in town, as a treat.  I looked at shrimp and fish, at my primary store.  The prices were simply too high.  The world is becoming prohibitively expensive.

Oh, on the good side, I am eating enough, recently, that... the toilet paper is no longer collecting dust.  Rice, or with fish, meat once in a while, and.... just... more regular food.  My system doesn't complain.  It knows the truth of a beating a dead horse.  I actually, sometimes, enjoy the starvation sensation.  Not always.  And it may be more that I have gotten used to it, or surrendered to it a bit.  It seems like pleasure, but I think it's not quite that, as I wouldn't choose it.

A funny thing happened in town.  At one of the shops, I noticed a... burner type.  Oh, she was covered, mostly.  She was playing low, slow, slim, and civil.  We do know our own, however.  Little... clues... little ways... little things.  While not technically a burner, I am definitely outside of the norm, and so consider burners... cousins, making second cousins, sometimes kissing cousins... *^eyebrow ^eyebrow*  In any case, she was being so cool and calm and just... then she saw me leaving as she was going in.  Big, I mean huge smile!  Then just a touch of the tongue out.  And a minor bite.  She... surprised and impressed.  All I could do was grin from ear to ear.  Long hair, I have, and a massive mustache with huge soul flare below the lip... think Three Musketeers...  Anyway... joy and grins were had all around.  A moment.  But that is, sometimes, all we have, innit.

I had a tailgater from Logan to my turnoff.  Ten feet off my bumper.  Then, whoever, turned my way, so I pulled over to let them pass.  A chubby Bart Simpson looking man or woman passed, then decided that driving the speed limit was too much effort.  I road their bumper until I could pass, and then I passed.  Not in the best place, I was a little hot.  Still, I made it.  Then!  It decided to ride my bumper again!  I put the breaks on hard, and made them pass.  If I had to I would slow down, wanted nothing to do with the idiot.  About halfway along the way, a state trooper pulled out in front of me, between us.  I was through with the thing, up to that point.  But that pissed me off.  So, I followed into town, watched which way it turned, then, the block before the main line turn, I turned in the same way, getting rid of the trooper blockade, followed on the side road, and tracked the driver to his or her home, or where they stopped.  Just two homes away from mine.  Saw them get out and go in.  Nah, wasn't making a point, mostly.  Don't like interference, though, especially wrongly... and... I haven't hunted in a very long time.  If that had been my prey, not even Death could stand in my way.  I'm... not the sort of brother who can be sidetracked, shaken, or beaten.  No indeed.  Points made and fun had.  Actually, I hope the target didn't notice.  It really wasn't about them, at that point.  No need to go disturbing the sheep.

Well... on to a bit of gaming.  Later.

To bed late.

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I kept trying to figure out laundry.  It never happened.  I kept thinking about it, but not seemingly able to do it, so I just... stayed awake.  As if that would solve the problem.  It's a psychic trap I can fall into.  I SHOULD just go to bed as soon as I realize the problem.  But like a starving wild beast which smells meat in a cage, when there is a simple task I should be able to do, but can't, I linger.  Part of the problem is that I didn't believe fluffing would deal with the wrinkles.  You can always toss in a damp towel, and hope, but I have never seen that work.  I think some women do it just... the way children avoid stepping on cracks to avoid breaking their mother's backs... a superstition to deal with things they don't like but can't choose another way.

Never mind.  The thing is that late was the hour of sleep.  Worse, I forgot to set the alarm clock.  No worries.  My body had me covered.  I woke at 8:30, easily.  A bit late, but... considering bedtime, and what I have been doing, and considering all else, I will take it happily.  Blogging, already, and with a plan for the laundry.  I believe I am going to wash the whole lot over again, and then dry it in parts, again.  That will be my morning wake.  Along with gaming.  I am merely grinding at the moment.  I am hoping to grind six to eight levels.  Which means... I best get to it.  Plus I have some items to upgrade.  Ugh.  This game takes a great deal of grinding if you want what you want.  There are better, and worse, places and points in the game to grind.  But... if you want what you want when you want it, and yet to be able to play the game without perpetual death, then you have no choice but to do, rinse, and repeat.  On the good side?  You learn certain enemies extremely well.  Grinding on my first 'toon has made this second playthrough... comparatively... cake.  I have killed most bosses on the first round.  I'm not so sure about the next boss, a pair of them actually, but... maybe.

After laundry is done, I will begin considering a trip to town.  Shopping, and business, and shopping, and business.  Hmm... real life grinding?  Well... yeah.  :)

Later.

Some of it.

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The dishes have been done, a meal cooked as well.  Fish and rice, though this time I added brussel sprouts.  I added some in with the rice itself, some in the steamer tray with the fish... to see if there was a difference.  Not so much.  It really did add to the meal though, if you like bs.  :)  Next time I will add broccoli.  This is working out well enough that I may go ahead and buy more frozen vegetables.  They make for a more complex one "pan" meal.  Fresh would be better, but if I had that much going on I'd be in heaven.

I will be doing the last of the laundry as well, before I sleep.  I'll keep the load split, but fluff them a bit, each, to work some of the wrinkles out.  Well, that's the goal.  Plus, two loads gives me time to rest between them.  With that, much will have been done in the last few days.  Not a perfect run.  I didn't make it into town.  But that was doubtful from the start.  Tomorrow?  To town, if I can.  Shopping.  A blur of shopping.  Here, there, everywhere.  I had hoped to make it in Friday for business, but I just can't be sure.  That might be too tight, but then... just maybe.  Otherwise, more tinkering in the cave... cleaning and straightening.

It's been a good day, if a bit slow.  The body is the problem, at this point.  Focus is okay to good.  Mental faculties are reasonable.  The body just doesn't have anything to give.  Not even when fed well enough.  I did thaw meats, and will be grilling soon enough.  A pot of beans would be nice as well, to go with the ham.  Rice and quinoa would make a good add, especially with some vegetables thrown in.  Just... something sort of novel, for my recent cooking notions anyway.  I used to guarantee two, and usually three, vegetables a meal.  I cooked five days a week.  A veritable feast every night, I kid you not.  Not the way to go if you want to even maintain your weight.  But it was fantastic.  Hmm, then again I was only 300, twenty pounds heavier.  Odd, that, as that twenty pounds was four sizes larger in jeans.  Weird?  I guess you know where fat goes on me.  Though I had water retention problems back then, too.

I best get to laundry.  Good night.

Not bad, not at all.

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How much can I do?  I don't know, but the... light shines.  Curtains are open, an easy morning as I wait for the package to arrive.  I have plans to finish the dishes and laundry, get in another shower, then tinker on a few other things.  And, if the package arrives in a timely fashion, perhaps a run to town.  Mittwoch, is it?  Yeah, then no window on when I have to be home.  It's merely an energy use thing.  Three stores have to be hit.  Ugh...  And I can't be sure that will happen.  However, it is all possible.

I didn't get to bed until late.  This time I didn't try to force an early wake, instead leaving eight hours, and change, to sleep.  The last time I tried to push I... don't remember the alarm AND I slept until almost 11:00!  Gah!  That hurt my fragile ego.  I thought I was mastering life again.  That shook me just a bit.  In any case, I woke very early, compared to the alarm.  I guess if I don't push my body will, when it can, help out. 

Good sleep lately.  Fall and winter are spendrous for sleep.  Medicines being on schedule doesn't hurt.  But more, doing even little things, but significant things, helps too.  Too much of a list and I can go blank and either want to sleep too much or too little.  Balance is the key.  Finding that balance isn't always possible.  So, when I see it, on days like today, even if nothing got done, I would enjoy the day.  Success, for me, cannot be weighed on action.  Nor on contemplation.  Merely being, with a clear mind and some wit, is success.  Sad, in a way.  Quite a let down.  I had hoped for more.  And, actually, I don't even think that this a truth just for me.  Look at everything you have done and will do.  Now weigh that against feeling right just being alive in the world.  Yes, there is the hope, want, and effort to more.  But, fundamentally... I think my proposal wins.  Which is why so many people are miserable.  Priorities.

On with it, after a bit more waking.  Yeah, I don't really need it, I just... I am enjoying leisure this morning.  Another hour or two and I'll get to things, probably.  Later.

Baby steps.

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A shower and a shave.  Trash gotten out.  Dishes put to a fresh soak.  A few other very small things.  Just enough to show intent, I suppose.  Insulin didn't arrive, so I get to wait for it tomorrow.  I was hoping to try to steal my way into town tomorrow.  Depending on when, and if, the package arrives, I may yet.  A shower, again, first thing will make that more possible.

With the cat litter and trash out, I have been airing the cave out.  I really have to get the trash bin to the curb this coming Sunday.  I might be able to put one more sack in, without shoving, but...  Yeah.  Recycling shouldn't be a problem.  But it would be nice to get everything to zero again.

While waiting for the package tomorrow, I hope to finish the dishes and the laundry, and... put the tools up from the bathroom job.  No, I never did get those put up.  Bleh.  Small things, little plans, all good.  At this point, it's as much as I can do and hope.  I could blame gaming, but that just isn't the case.  I have been like this several times, off and on, most of the summer.  It's not medicine.  I've been pretty good with that unless I hit bottom otherwise.  It still amazes me that I can go cold turkey on that stuff, and usually just pick it right back up three days, even a week later.  I know I can't pick it up a month and a half after quitting, not easily.  I do know I can go about a week and an half.  Not sure where the cutoff is but I'd rather not figure that out.

Yes, medicine is ongoing.  Rather well, considering.  A few nights missed, a day here and there.  Given my condition, I'm actually impressed.  The insulin has gotten old.  There was some phone tag problems.  They couldn't catch me and I... couldn't respond.  Eventually it worked, if the package arrives.  I'll start a new vial at the beginning of the month, at a cut dose.  No choice.

Well... that's it in a nutshell.  I ought to do a post on Dark Souls, the game I am currently playing.  I initially had mixed reviews, mostly favorable.  I have a more positive take after starting, and running, another character through.  As far as games go, it's not as difficult as some might suggest.  It's not easy.  But there are usually many ways to do some things, but within a rigid base of mostly fail.  You won't get through the game by accident.  I'll think about posting just on it.

Oh, in a recent conversation, someone suggested that I make things complicated.  This is not true, not at all.  I only notice how complicated the world is.  If you wish to understand, I have a little... example.  It will take a bit of work, but if you really wish to understand you may.  Learn to solve one of the simpler calculus problems.  It will... take a bit.  But...  Now, understand, that math problem, and the most complex of it's nature, can solve less than a percent of the types of problems it was created to solve.  Life is very complex.  We can choose to see it as simple, but it's not.  Even the words in the bible have... many meanings.  Read a verse, a particular one with great meaning but about which you are unfamiliar for the most part, every Sunday for the next month.  After reading it, write down your understanding.  Then, each Sunday, do the same, but without referring to your notes.  Then, at the end, review your notes.  Even with an exact translation, which we don't have, can't have to a degree because of language differences, phraseology that is lost to us, social contexts that no longer exist, and such... we still wouldn't completely be sure of the meaning.  For example, Christ did indicate one man, one woman, as to marriage... but in a time when a man often, perhaps usually, had several wives, but without saying anything negative about having multiple wives.  A trick or a truth?  Complex.

It is bedtime.  Good night, sleep well.  I will.

The mind is still present.

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The body is not.  Or they are out of sync.  Something.  Another nothing day.

Pretty dead but not completely.

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I made it to bed at a more proper time.  I think around 21:00, almost.  I set the alarm for 6:00 and woke ahead of time, as I prefer.  Just a bit ahead of time.  Then again I don't care if it is just two minutes before the alarm, being up and turning off the alarm before having to hear it is a wonderful thing.

Not much done yesterday.  I did reset the cat litter boxes, and reset the soak on the dishes, and made grilled cheese sandwiches.  None of it was as simple as it sounds, of course.  There was always something more to do with it... washing the litter boxes, washing the pan to fry the sandwiches, and such.  But almost nothing else was done.  I'm a bit cooked, for whatever reason.  Maybe too much too fast Saturday?  Maybe.  I'm pretty shot today, too.  But... I am awake and alive.  I haven't been.  This is a good thing. 

My package didn't arrive today, so I will be home again tomorrow, waiting for it.  Wednesday will be my first chance to get to town.  As I suggested, it will, whenever I do get to town, be a burst shopping run.  Coffee, tobacco, cream, milk, the basics.  But each is at a different store, so it is going to be brutal.  Then a few days down before I must get to town for business.  Business, business, business!  Gah!  I'm late, almost over-late.  Gotta do it.

I did make another set of sandwiches today.  Tuna melts.  Nothing fancy but it works.  I can tell I haven't been eating enough.  The tp had dust on it!  Yeah, not nearly enough.  Even with food coming in...  If I don't eat otherwise, those meals are stored and used extensively, not being let go until I begin to eat more regularly.  You would think I would stopper up, but that only happened back when I wouldn't eat for weeks, or more, at a time.  For as weak as I am, I have a heck of system.  Without the heart problem I would have gone very far.  Then again, where I was going was... quite dangerous.  Not sure I would have made it very long with a good heart.  Odd, actually funny, if you think about it.  Saved by heart failure?  :)

Well... on to the rest of my day.  Good day.

To bed late, up early.

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What?

I don't know.  Not a typical combination, but there she is.  I was having trouble getting both of those large loads to dry.  I muddled through the first, but the second... after a number of tricks and methods that each lead to failure, I finally broke that last load into parts.  As it turns out, I was too tired by the time I put the second load in to mess with the first half.  So, that is on the menu, as well as finishing up the dishes, getting a shower, and tending the trash, recycling, and cat litter.  I think I can do most of that.  I think I can do all of that.  But then, full plates are always a challenge.  It was nearly 1:00 when I went to bed, almost 6:00 when I woke.

If I can get my work done today, tomorrow will be a light day.  Light cleaning, picking up, small sorting.  I have to be home Tuesday or Wednesday as I have a package coming in, one I have to be here to receive.  Why they couldn't give me an exact day I don't know, but they couldn't, wouldn't, or at least didn't.  I will spend those days on cleaning up as well.  Light, as I am hoping to make it to town twice this week.  Once for shopping in a dozen places, then later in the week to visit my friend.  Friday or Saturday for the latter.

I'm still in a minor fog.  But it is one I can work, if a bit blindly, through to a degree.  I've already had breakfast.  Simple rice with butter, but it is something.  I need to thaw some meat.  Fish is good once in a while, or good enough when steamed.  It's just not a daily thing.  Hamburger to add to rice, or quinoa, would be fine.  Something to grill perhaps.  Just something, more meaty, to have on hand for a quick or slow meal.  I really need to grill once a week, enough meat for the weak.  Acorn squash is great on the grill, too.  Lots of veggies do better with a little smoke and char.  It adds a little life.  Still, blindly I live, often, so getting to it is a whole other issue.  For now I seem to have found my feet.

Well, on with it, I suppose.  A few more hours to wake, then I will get to things by, say... 10:30... a couple of hours to recalibrate for the day.  Later.