Why a monster?

.
.
I have always seen myself as a monster, I suppose. My heart is not evil, I do not wish to do others harm, I am simply different. More capable? Stronger, faster, more resilient? Something. I once wondered if the difference wasn't merely that I was in many fights. Perhaps being forced to fight changed my perspective, strengthened or bolstered me. At one time I gave credence to the notion that I had a mental illness. I have even pondered demonic possession. All seem foolish but had to be investigated, to my way of thinking.

I decided my differences, whatever they truly are, are not: Due to fighting. I suspect the fighting was due to my differences. I simply would not abide being put in the machine like a cog. I would neither kneel nor obey peer pressure or the pecking order. Period. And I had the power of mind and body to stay outside of that.; Due to mental illness. While mental illness can happen in youth, would it really last most of a life, change radically, and... go from enhancing to disabling? Maybe. But the medicine did nothing, save to limit me further than what was truly disabling me (now I learn probably heart problems).; Due to demonic possession. While many people believe that an exorcism is a powerful rite, the truth is, both a Sacrament of Reconciliation and definitely the Sacrament of the Eucharist are both far more potent. I have been through both of those and did so of my own free will. Not possible with demonic possession. That leaves me with other options, some I have discussed here before. I have no tests for these, at present.

Perhaps these things are not possible while having a heart condition though? Mmm, yes. Anything with flesh will eventually die, until that flesh is perfected, and it must die of something. While it is said that some may be perfected without dieing, that is an act of God, not a normal occurrence. Further, perfected souls and the flesh they are renewed with do not remain here. As well, that my heart condition hasn't killed me is a minor miracle, that I have died three times and come back, that I have survived seven other things that most people don't survive... these lead me to surety that I am different.

It isn't just in innate physical or mental abilities. It is in my eyes. Or more, how I see the world, men, even God. Sometimes, I swear, I can see it 'ALL'. I simply cannot contain it or... understand it... use it. Much like if you were presented with absolute truth, you would turn away (or perish). We are not ready, perhaps not even able to receive those gifts at this time. And, as I said, I see monsters from fiction in a terribly different light. As a child, Frankenstein was someone I cherished. Innocent, at first, confused, powerful, vengeful, ugly, and yet to me quite special, handsome even (as men go, mind you). Dracula, the werewolf (even the bad versions), and on it went. It didn't stop with totally fictional fiction monsters. Dr. Hannibal Lecter and Professor Moriarty come easily to mind, and there were others. Oddly, this flow does not follow into real life nor was it all fictional monsters, some crossed some... line in the san... ity. Stalin, Gacy, Bundy, and the rest of the rogues gallery of real monsters are all despised, enemies of heart and mind.

Let me ask you this, do you see "handsome" in these next photos? I do. I do. I... I see a little of what lives inside, too. Is it just how I was made, as with this one? I honestly don't know.

Just... sayin'.

Wellll?

.
.
I am not going to the SoRec today. I have the time, I am in shape, I just haven't covered some things as well as I would like and I would like to study my cliff notes, and the source for those, a bit more. Well, yes, it frightens me, always does. But that isn't the reason for the delay. I honestly want to get some things down. This is real stuff, and heady. And I have never before been in the condition that I am in, so I think I might not only be able to get it down but also have it down next time I go, and make it a permanent part of what I do. Much like weight lifting, if you don't get the basic form down to begin with there are problems later on.

I am sort of realizing, no matter how bad I might feel about being a hard nose, or not fully comprehending who I am, or having a braggadocious nature... as I grow stronger and fill my life and extend who I am further into other peoples lives... those are just flaws that truly are a part of who I am. A rascal or a bastard, you decide and deal with it, I think. I can't really change that. The shame I go through is just... a limiter? a price? I yam what a yam! With or without marshmallows. Oh, and my horrible puns are probably a permanent thing too.

Still waiting on that bike. I think it won't be "here" until Monday, probably, at this point. Frustrating because it has probably been here since nearly mid-day yesterday. And it was at the last place for three days, give or take. Oh well. I may just go in and see my friend. Hmm, perhaps some food from the smoke house restaurant though, too. No, not much else. A relaxing Saturday seemed the thing. Dishes would be nice, but... yeah. No. I may wear the weight vest when I get back, for a couple hours, just to say I did something.

Have a good day.

Paranoid much?

.
.
After writing that last bit about the bike, a complaint and forget, I went about my day. A bit more laundry, a shower, medicine, cliff notes for confession, and other trivial affairs. Hoping for the bike to be in, I looked online. Oh, I would have known as they would have sent an email, probably. Perhaps the email is the last thing they do so I called in after checking online.

When I asked for the appropriate department, and as is the case with busy departments waited a little bit, somebody picked up the phone and we started in. I merely suggested I was checking whether an item had arrived. Actually I have three items there, waiting. I meant to clarify but thought of it too late, the connection went quiet as she checked. I was sure she was going to come back, as would be logical knowing only what she did, that yes indeed, and there are three items in. When she came back, inexplicably, she said, "No, ...myfirstname..., it is not in".

Now, what just happened there. Perhaps, of course, she knew I was talking about the bike. That would require me to believe that she would have looked over all the items, those in and already delivered, those currently in but not picked up, and the bike which has not yet arrived, and understood I was talking only about the bike. And of course, she would probably, first, have seen the items that are in. That is a lot of... given, or hope, or... something. The simplest conclusion is that someone does searches for the company name and I have... been nominated. Oh Lord? What have I done this time? Meh, God hasn't killed me (yet), I should just not even worry about it.

I even have my blog set to not populate on internet searches. Then again, I suppose, like governments, big companies probably have work-arounds for search limits. This could get ugly. But I'm used to ugly and I am still larfing. Indeedy and boy-howdy. That smirk will be on my face when they bury me. It will haunt both people there, my mom and the priest (only because he is sort of required to be there). Hmm, might bug the mortician, who try as he might just can't get that thing off. Fine, I am a story teller. But it might really come true!

*smirk*

I've been here before...

.
.
I just didn't know what to do and my health wouldn't sustain it. I mean, I have gotten up early, gone to bed early, and been fruitful to within my capacity and had begun expanding the capacity. There are a lot of problems at this point. One of the first is having so much more time than functional capacity. So, staying awake becomes a side issue, which jeopardizes the schedule itself. I need to find relaxing filler, I need to make sure I am using what of my energy I can (but sustainably over longer periods of time), and I need to really know when I can and need to nap and when I really can't do so. Of course, some of these things require practice, intelligence, AND wisdom. The first two attributes are needed to know what really does and doesn't work, the last is needed in order to stick to what I gained using the first two.

Life is different now, but nothing changes overnight, or perfectly, and I don't know how many of my limits might have been lifted. They were real limits that rage and brute force, clever design, all the wisdom I could bring to the fore could not break. I just don't want to be too disappointed with what of those remains. I have been sleeping my preferred routine for the last three or four days. It has been wonderful. But as I said, I have been here before, many times. I've got to switch up from what I have tried in the past, to keep this going. I need to find some substance of life, something external I think. A little job requiring a few hours a day would be good but it is... problematic. Volunteering? Maybe. Let me... look around. I have to... take some risks here. I have to. The problem, at the moment, is money. A job might put my income at risk and volunteering anywhere but walking distance would cost more in gasoline than what I can afford at the moment, and at least until my mother returns home probably.

Already fully awake and so much day left! Let me... get to thinking. I'll do a few chores while I am at it. Good day.

That was a long nap.

.
.
A fine sleep, early to bed, around 19:00 and change. Quick to sleep. I may have wounded myself on the way in, crashing so hard one of those pillows clocked my lights out. I will be checking for proof and considering a lawsuit against the pillow manufacturer. Or as the Red Queen said... "Off with their heads"!

First thing this morning I started calibrating the day, goals, and such. Oh, to be sure, it was as organized as attempting a sprint from the "throne", forgetting your shorts and pants are still around your ankles. At least no other analogies were in that vein. The exercise had ample room for improvement from the beginning and it was easily improved at that. Saturday! Ah, okies, now that I had the day and the time... what was I thinking to do for today or even didn't quite get done yesterday? Well, mowing. Oh, but... I did forget something yesterday whole cloth. I forgot to find out about the Sacrament of Reconciliation and Mass times. I had thought SoRec. was held between 8:00 and 8:30, but I think that was my last Church. They have the SoRec. in the afternoon here (which, yeah, now I remember from the last time I checked). In any case, at least I don't have to rush and I can look a few things up and ponder my sins a bit more than what I already have been. Woot! (sort of... it's a... Catholic thing... ?)

I don't like the notion of mowing too early. By 10:00 to 10:30, or as soon after as I realize the time, I like to get to it. Mowing an half hour with a half hour rest puts me near noon, at which time it is too hot to mow. Fie, of course I take it easy. Heat is not my thing, nor is mowing. And I think mowing a bit a day is a heck of a lot better than holding off until I can mow it all at once (and never getting to it or ending up with a huge mess to deal with all over again). Of course, the truth is I realize I may have physical limits, both those of old and the new ones, or at least the understanding that my heart is truly limited and I am out of shape on top of it. And realizing pushing all at once is no better than binge drinking for my health, even if I could force it. With added mental clarity, I also see that while a goal is to mow the yard all at once, the best way to get to that goal is to mow in quarters or thirds for now, working up to it. My stories do have fabric under them, if I do not always care to reveal it.

I have not been notified that my bike is in. It has to have been here for at least 24 hours. I am not really pleased with Walmart, this time, on this product. They seem to be taking their ever loving time with the bicycle. It was at it's last place for 2 days or so as well. The rest of the items were fast. Shipping, handling, relaying the information. Zip, zing, done. But this bike, you would think it was made of solid Martian gold, hand built by ghosts... or something bizarre like that. Could it be the weight of the thing (mild as it really is, but) and perhaps Walmart has way too many women in it's employ? I wonder. I suppose companies hire women for jobs they shouldn't have because they are much less aggressive about wages (few have to feed a whole family, or even would consider it (at least without food stamps, FICA, HUD, etc.)), and because women are much easier to... control. Well, toss in nearly a linear bell curve and you have workers smart enough to do what they are told, but not really leaning into the area where they are smart enough to do what they shouldn't (without getting caught). Oh, and the low aggression quotient makes for easy handling. Decay. I hope to heck Walmart doesn't unionize. It would be their final end.

Fine, so I woke in a bit of a snit. Well, not a snit so much as a mood. Their is a difference but I doubt if your mind could understand the nuances. *grins* The world lightenings and thunders, but you never hear anybody... well, they do complain about that sometimes too I guess. Fine, complain if you will. My thunder will not stop until that potential energy is used or dissipated in other ways, lightening will flash, and a little rain may fall, regardless of your complaints. If you have serious complaints, you may go to my secretary, Hellen, Ms. Wait actually. She is on the fourth floor of my home. Those with complaints are directed to walk to the back of my home, near the elevator doors, whereby they my go to directly to Hellen Wait.

A mood indeed.

Well, I really ought to begin doing something... more constructive. Good day.

Chugging along.

.
.
The laundry is half finished, dishes are... well I did one load, it got hot so I thought I would finish the mowing when it cooled but a thunderstorm is here so we will see, I did call my friend, and I did contact the insurance company and things are moving there. I also took the rest of my coats, ones that were in the back of my main closet, in to join the rest of my coats which had been littering the little couch in the living room. And tinkering has been happening everywhere. I've still had time for games and reading. Oh, and I may have found an online source for bible studies. Ah, and I checked on my bike. It is in transport to the store, as of 11:00 this morning. I think I even called my mom? Bah, memory gets a little fuzzy at times. It seems really hot today, which doesn't help. And I have been busy. I am getting tired. A nap, perhaps?

Hmm, a bit of a cool-down and some more dishes, if I can hide from the nap monster. Good day.

Moving at the speed of a glacial meteor?

.
.
Half of my list is completed, or has been attempted, and more. I could not reach my friend either time I called. One load of laundry has been washed, a second is being washed, the dishes have been refreshed in their soaks, and I am resting after mowing the front part of the lawn. And more, I have set some things to be sorted, today. Putting the containers on my bed so I don't let it slip. As well, my coats have been hung in their permanent place, on heavier hangers. A few boxes have been sorted, the papers and packing material in them discarded, and they have been placed with the other boxes I need to have ready to break down and dispose on the next garbage day. I policed a few specific items from the living room and computer room. And I set up a couple of little trash receptacles near where I generally live, work, play.

I have much to do, even so. Just getting to a place to stop, for a bit, will take another week I suspect. While I am catching up it is taking so very long. But when I stop and look, or go to find something and know where it is, or pick up after a couple of days down, I am amazed to see things coming together in a truly functional, sanitary, sane, reasoned way. It feels like someone else is doing all this, but I actually remember having done the work, sorting, storing. Having the two different notions, one of reality one of perception and contrary to each other, can be confusing. I am simply not used to being what I always thought I could be, a reasoned reasoning working functioning adult. So slow yet so fast.

I did find and read several articles regarding shifting gears on a 21-speed bicycle. Those things give me a place to start. It looks like it will take practice, then learning my specific gears that fit me and my style. While not as steep a learning curve as learning to play a piano, it does seem like it might take some serious practice. Perhaps that is an illusion, a notion gained merely from reading more into it through volume of the written word than what those words imply. At least I have a relatively flat place to learn, with hills not all that far away when I get to that point. I am not truly interested in cross-country biking, nor in mountain biking at all. Pedaling around town, maybe as far as the dam, that should be enough. Or, as I see things now.

I have been looking for a daily bible study program. I simply don't have money to buy a system, so I am looking for something free, online, at the moment. Being Catholic, and more Papist, I am looking for something that follows the traditions of the Magisterium. For one thing, protestant bibles do not even have the full Catholic bible. As well, many "Catholic" teachings are highly flawed or outright heretical. Why it has to be so complicated, I don't know. But it is. I keep looking.

I am surprised at how many things I have done, how many things I keep in the juggling line-up, and how many things I keep adding. Oh, no, I'm not simply adding things for the sake of doing more. Simply put, I went from literally eating once a day, doing dishes once a week, doing laundry every other week, and that was about it; to taking care of what needs to be taken care of as an involved human, without a wife, with a house, car, cats, yard, and with a more active life. I even wear pajamas or shorts and a t-shirt all of time now, at least when I am not fully properly dressed. So... many things have changed. I am still not up to what a typical person usually does on a typical day, as they stay on top of things, especially when you add in 8 to 10 hours of actual work, an hour and a half commute time, at four to six days a week. And, the work I do no longer causes me longer term pain.

Pleased, bruised, changing, evolving, growing stronger, humbled, but... good, too. Very good. A few more chores and then... I don't know?!? What will I do when I get caught up!?! Ah, the bike should be in by then, assembled tweaked, perhaps the weight bench will be together. Even my stamina is growing, slowly, definitely. Thinking and memory improve a bit at a time as well. That will work. That will all do nicely. Maybe it is just a summer thing, or a temporary thing, but I will enjoy it as much as I can, use what I can, get as far ahead as I can, and maybe give up on being just... a story.

My friend just called me back. One more thing completed. I'll drop in and see him when my bike arrives today or tomorrow. Have a great day.

Still a bit bruised.

.
.
My thoughts of late, while not pleasing, need to be dealt with. My ego is all that is being bruised but that still hurts. It will hurt more, too. It is still bigger than it should be. Like my heart, years of neglect have allowed the thing to enlarge. Some ego is needed, healthy, useful. Mine needs to go for hikes, bike rides, swimming, and begin working out with me. It needs to both lose flab and tighten up, trim the bad enhance the good. Along with my mind, spirit, and soul. Or something like that.

I still find myself commenting beyond reason or polite allowances or in shallow ways. I suppose bad habits are going to be difficult to alter. At least I can sense shame now. I am not sure how to begin. Being able to see some of this more clearly might be the first step. Admitting I have no control? Do I really need a twelve step system? Perhaps I ought to avail myself of the notion and test. I don't think that is the whole of it though. Unlike an addiction I also have to enhance what is good, not just stop what is bad. Should I do this more privately? Is that part of the cure?

This is a scary stage in recovery. It could become overwhelming. It would be easy to retreat from the truth. I am alone here and I have to be. There are times in a man's life when no one can help him. This is one of them. The thing is so big though. It encompasses every aspect of my life and leaves me questioning down to what I thought, even in my own mind, was true about the world and myself. Is it just what I write, or how I write it that is wrong? Or is it right down to what I believe? If so, how wrong and what is wrong, exactly?

Watching television, reading other people, and watching how people live, though, I see I am a man of my times. From blogging to Facebook to Twitter, even public unions which give power to teachers they really shouldn't have, to academics which has gained political input it shouldn't have. My real difference is that I am on the wrong side of the political debate. I am on the side that has already lost and probably hasn't fundamentally been a structural form for a hundred years or more, if it ever really existed. If there is anything good about it, if my assessments are correct (and I can't be sure of my assessments but they are what I have), I am not in the herd. I think? Or, is that bad?

I honestly don't know how to begin. I really thought about ending this blog. And, in time, I may yet do so. Is writing all of this incorrect and just another sign of an inflated ego in an egocentric world? Is this blog another sign of the times? Or is it functional to me and possibly worth maintaining for others? Until I understand more about what I do believe is right or wrong, until I have better footing in where I want to go and do and what I should do, I will maintain this blog and do other things I usually do. I am skating on ice here, fast or extreme changes are dicey at best. But I need to stop commenting except in keeping social connections, offering support, or just being amazed at some of you, writers and workers of small miracles. I do so enjoy the richness some of you bring to my life. But pithy, yes, short and sweet. Avoiding hollow, extreme, extravagant in my comments.

I am hoping the bike comes in today. I am all but climbing the walls waiting for the bike. I have only ridden once, recently, while staying with the folks in Logan. Before that it was probably... 30 years since I rode a bike regularly. No, even more, 35 years? Probably 35 years since I rode a bike. I know I am going to have some spills. Maybe right in the beginning, unless I am really careful. Perhaps not until later, when I learn to really utilize the bike to it's full power.

That reminds me, I need to read up on figuring out gearing. As a child I never did get that down. I have heard that the notion is to gear the bike so as to produce a 1 to 1 ratio, but I am not sure what that actually means (if I have some mechanically inclined notions, if I actually have such skills(?)). I will... read. Then again, I will try and figure other things out too. If riding speed or ease is the goal, that would be the 1 to 1 (maybe, for example). But what if I wanted to work a little harder? Oh, I'll... figure it out. Though I could just experiment until something works, more or less, that would take time and it might never quite be optimal. Then again, I can't say optimal is always and only my goal. But... It would be nice to know what optimal, for a number of various goals, is. Then choose whether that is what I want or not. Why do I have to be so difficult? Sometimes even I agree with the doctors, if I can't do much about my stubborn notions and curiosity and natural tendency to be different. Or is that just another part of having an inflated ego or more a part of the flaws and weakness and perhaps even strengths that merely mark my individual reality?

The last three days have been the beginnings of a potentially wonderful life, angst and all. While the last two months have been good, these last few days have been a form of pinnacle (though probably more temporary, for now, than the last two months combined). I have been sleeping well and early and waking rightly and early. I have been tending my medicines (I did get medicine boxes), taking care of my non-vital medical issues (the warts, ears, and now using eye drops as was recommended, picking that up after finding out they hadn't been sent and weren't even ordered as I had been told), weighing myself and taking my blood pressure every morning, then having a small breakfast. Reading blogs, news, and adding weather into the lineup. I am thinking to add reading bible passages in with a minor study period, though I am not sure where to start with that. That last will add to my more frequent prayers nicely. I'll do research on that while I research biking. I bought a 21-speed bike, I guess I didn't realize mountain bikes were ever more than 3-speed until I found the right sized bike at the right price and... learned something new.

Oh, and today, I will mow the front and half of the side lawn. I will finish those haunting dishes. I will do some laundry. I will call my friend. And I will check on the insurance claim and tickets for my mother. Last year I was able to get a direct-flight for her. This year a direct-flight, one way, costs three times a single-stop flight and as much as last year's round-trip direct-flight! I am hoping to find a direct-flight for a reasonable price in the next weeks or month. Anyway, on to some more waking up. I am certainly not going to try to 'make friends' by mowing at 7:45. Another hour or two will be just fine. But I can get some of those other things crossed off my list. Oh, on the 'maybe' side. I would like to set up my weight station and perhaps get some of the construction material out to the coop, checking for wasps after transporting that first load.

You have a great day. Do what you can. Take care of yourself. Enjoy your little or big life. It is a beautiful day to be alive. If you can't see it, find out how to see it. Please.

Oh well.

.
.
I did get in on time, just barely, to get my haircut. And I am shaping it like I suggested. I am too old for it, and probably should be more intelligent or mature. Still, I will give it a whirl, if I like it I will keep it a while. If nothing else, understand I was too sick at the age I should have been doing some of this stuff to go forward with my notions. I just wanted to sleep. I could never quite get it going. So I might end up looking like a goofball for a year or three, oh well. Plus, if the haircut activates me, pushes me on, helps me remember why I am pushing, that is good too. So be it.

I could not reach my friend by phone. I called three different times. My bike was not in and I was not interested in merely... floating around town. I did stop at a local sportsmen's store to ask about topo-maps. They suggested the lower floor of the university library. They didn't say how much, but they did say the service allowed the buyer to choose the map area, and within reason for the given sizes to choose the scale. Fully custom maps, or, if I heard correctly. Further, for a dollar more, from what I was told, you can have them printed on waterproof paper. That works. Of course I need to find the books which list the trail heads, use a standard map to figure out where those are, and then decide just how small or large of a size and scale I will really need. The library assistants might be able to help me in that but I don't want to walk in empty handed and say, "Feed me!". Even though this area isn't all that big, it is amazing how much space is needed to get a very small chunk of it well mapped, down to trails, roads, and other needed/wanted detail. The one thing about Iowa, for good or bad... you usually just needed a blank piece of paper with arrows on it, mostly. I'll take the mountains, even so.

I keep digging up dirt on myself. My chatting, and probably writing, are the focus now. Not just the form, but the function too, are problems. Too much, too fast, too greedy, no way to stop. But, even this makes sense, I think. No need to overpay an undereducated indoctrinated shrink who would probably get it wrong in any case. For years I have been using computer games as a means of staying awake. The more... challenge, thrill, feedback to input rate at the highest possible input rate, the better. I needed the equivalent of digital adrenaline. That spilled into my communication network. I chat, like I might mentally jump rope. I can easily snare people, bring them in, hook them. Most people usually have shields from such an onslaught. But when and where they meet me they simply have no cover, no defenses.

Further, I realize my communications are empty. Even when I spend weeks talking about me... In the end I have said nothing. Perhaps the same is true of every topic I discuss. When I hammer on doctors, I'm not even actually saying I hate doctors. I am merely saying I don't trust medicine and I am angry at being in my situation. What is more, back to me and... not. I am not sure if I even know who I am. I haven't actually been anybody for so long that I may not even really exist, in a way. Do I even have a personality that is clearly defined as me, how do I find it if it is in there, what does it mean and can I salvage it? And I can't remember who I was, if I ever grew up enough to have become someone. I just remember existing. I was exhausted even when younger, the world of my youth simply wasn't as challenging, so my health issues didn't disable then, mostly, perhaps. Or maybe I wasn't as ill. I simply don't know. But I'm not just a nobody, literally. I never was anybody, maybe. How do I fix that?

I have... problems. I don't have the answers. I am becoming real but I don't have a clue what to do with it. I suppose I need to get involved with the Church, I need to become physically active, I need to start figuring out my life, I may have to consider school, and I will have to take each thing one step at a time. I am mortified and excited. I am still limping but my direction and pace are better than ever. And yet I honestly could simply not wake up tomorrow. At least I know that fairness is not a part of life, not of simple life in the flesh. If nothing else, that should indicate to people that this can't be all, it can't be the end of the story. There is no way to even the balance sheets of justice, here and now, without causing even more harm and thus a greater imbalance. Stalin was a terra firma justice seeker. He got lost in the horror and gore. He sent others to do his dirty work and then had them killed in a bid to forget, forgetting himself what it was ever even about, frozen by the horror and terror he had created in the name of justice, until he piled corpses so high he though he might reach heaven. Even he had to know, finally, what he had done. Instead of changing he joined Satan in his pride.

Ah, see, there I go again. Anyway, I guess when you are ready, God gives it to you with both barrels. Maybe that is a good thing, maybe it means I am ready or nearing being ready? Or is it a token booby prize for having made it this far and about to lose the fleshly part of the game? *smile* I don't mind. Later.

It could happen. And other news.

.
.
Okay, I simply liked this story. The little rascals are tough.



This gives you an idea of the rain and snow we have had this year. Do a little digging into how big Lake Powell is for it to make some sense... or less sense.
ksl.com - Lake Powell water level rises 1 foot each day

Here are a couple of things going on regarding veterans in Utah. Honestly, just for my part, I am not sure about participating. What is given as a gift can quickly turn into a chain or other negative device. Even with good intent, I fear too much... help? Yes. Then again, in my view, I should have simply been... never mind. I mean I do not believe I deserve what I get, even if I complain about it. Go figure. Here they are. ksl.com - New driver license honoring vets could diffuse tense situations and ksl.com - Salt Lake court program aiding veterans The first one makes me nervous, being known as a veteran can be good or bad. The last one has me worried. Special treatment might work, it also might create "pigs" of those given special treatment or resentment about it. I'm a worry wort, I guess. And I like things even steven, if some allowances are fair compensation for such high risk and low pay (and some extreme prejudice back home, especially on some campuses and in certain professions, including academics, medicine, the artistic community, and possibly among lawyers and by the rest of the legal system, top to bottom, in certain places (cities to be sure)).

And the final thing is about illegal immigration. Utah, among conservatives (or at least Republicans) who pretty much own the state, are split on what to do regarding immigration. But the feds are less than helpful. This is just a story that, while I understand, I don't. I know something is going on at higher levels. Perhaps they favor some other holding station politically, perhaps they are looking for areas to catch and release and by moving detainees around it is easier to release without notice. I simply am not sure, but... ksl.com - Removal of ICE detainees from Weber County leaves deputies scratching their heads

Hmm, finally got around to figuring out embedding! Neat. Took me oh, three or four... minutes. *sigh* I just... couldn't... do... it... Until I got better and it finally made the list and then I got to it. I have done videos before, painfully. I didn't even know news articles could be brought in. I think embedding covers my liability to the source? So much to learn! If I continue to do just this well I will even remember how to do this next week. Life is truly looking to become amazing. So much out there to nibble and figure, learn and improve, add in or count on. Little bites, small steps, not too much hope at once, either. I can't let a major relapse crush me. I am over 9 lives... 10, last I counted, and what I know about.

How easy was that!

.
.
That little bit of grass was both smaller and easier throughout than what I had feared. I realize fear had tied me into knots, along with the occasional power outages and appointments, it kept me from finishing. No more, for now. Beyond that, I then lowered the mower to about a medium height and mowed the two areas beside the driveway. I might go out and do the rest of the front lawn today. But then I need to get ready for my haircut and visit with my friend. I need to cool down and rest, then shower (again today), so I'm not a sagging heap of mansweat when I see her. I sometimes shock here, when we speak. Oh, sometimes I know precisely what I am doing. Other times I had no clue her sensitivities where that sensitive. I don't really care, from what I can tell she couldn't be the one. Even if she was I wouldn't approach her one iota differently. Fun to flirt though. She does have the scissors but... and? Women have no balls. Bet on it. If you lose, so what anyway. At least you didn't end up marrying her. If you did, a quick trip to the death ditch might be worth it. Ha!

It is staying cool. Clouds came in. The thing is it might end up raining. I am hoping I can do some more mowing, but I really need a good half hour rest. Some iced Gatorade might help too. While simple mowing is quite easy compared to weed mowing it still takes a bit of juice. I could have sworn I ordered a self-propelled mower. I think the world sees a confused cripple coming and just absolutely blindsides him. I didn't get the mower for several months after ordering it. It took another month or two to finally get it going. In that time I lost track. For all I know they charged me the extra for that feature and simply replaced it with this one. Perhaps they did adjust the price, who knows. *grumble* I'll have to look back, see what I posted, if I can... remember... maybe I could track things down. But that was nearly a year ago.

Gatorade! Then more mowing. The a trip. I checked on my bike. It is supposed to have arrived at a shipping depot in west SLC last night or this morning, so... it should be here soon. I still have to put it together, adjust breaks and who knows what else. But I am getting excited. I will stay in town as long as I can, and check to see if it is in, before returning tonight. That leaves only dishes and finishing the sorting of clothes and such, of which I am in the middle. Being that dishes have been on the queue the longest, I will obviously start right in


on the sorting. Piss off, my call, I HATE doing dishes. Sorry, sorry.

Well, have a great day!

Up early.

.
.
I did not mow last night. By the time it had cooled, to my way of thinking, it was simply too dark. Being up this early, again, gives me a chance to get out there before it gets too hot. I am thinking of trying pull the cord and beginning the process in an hour and change. By 9:00 I shouldn't be too much of a pest to late sleepers if there are any hereabouts and it should still be cool. A haircut this afternoon, a call to check on my bike a little after 8:00, checking on a ticket for my mother to visit, and checking in on my friend while in town as well.

While I am doing well, and as I am coming up, I keep running into things. When feeling really well I am prone to be cavalier, rude, injudicious, and many other things. Thankfully, at least, I am not dangerous to others or myself or anything more serious than casting aspersions, acting clownish, and hurting feelings. Most of which I think there ought to be more of, in any case, if I am not sure it is my place or that I am the wisest source of those things, if there is such a thing as a wise source of that. Maybe those things can only come from people such as me, or people in my situation however temporary or long, because tamed, civil, "educated" people are too cowed into cogs to dare step over any of the lines which need to be trampled into the dust. Rationalizing? True? I don't know.

There are other things I face as I begin to do better. Things that potentially allowed me to sink before, or... maybe not. Of course, some of my rising and sinking probably has as much to do with various health issues, perhaps everything to do with simple (if complicated to treat) physical ailments, as I have long suspected. My heart, I am suspecting, has something to do with it much of it. Diabetes seems, impossibly I am gathering from doctors in spite of the information in front of their faces, to come and go. What else is going wrong from time to time that hasn't been caught yet? Kidneys, and even my liver, have triggered alarms off and on in the doctors offices for decades. Things seen once then gone the next few times have always been chalked up to bad tests. Should every third or fifth test be bad, really? Anyway, but there are other things that happen, on my side when better. Things I am trying to avoid this time. If there is anything I can honestly do to make sure I continue to improve, I am seeking to do it.

Then again I haven't been this good for this long in decades. Ritalin offered this level of function, more actually. But the side effects distorted things. I am in uncharted territory. But now that I no longer believe I am bipolar I am starting to look for the real causes and to take responsibility for my actions and reactions. Perhaps my highs are a natural reaction to not being sick? If so, I will have to learn to harness and moderate my feelings and/or the energy available. Perhaps my ill mannered behaviors are a natural result of dealing with many pent up frustrations and such from being too weak and vulnerable to give those things a voice most people naturally give complaints, griefs, wrongs, and such, and for so long a deprivation? Given time, like a teenager learning to control themselves, I will learn too. One hopes I will learn much more quickly but nothing is guaranteed. Perhaps I can catch up enough to settle down and then back into society to some reasonable degree. There is that hope.

Hey, what did you expect from prayer? I thought I might find answers. And I suppose I am. Probably more quickly than I thought, but not written on stone tablets either. But answers, true ones, are only as good as one's ability and willingness to act on them. And after those questions are asked and answered and then handled as well as you can, you move on to the next level. I will continue to pray for these concerns. There is much I don't know and there is much I need to do and it is happening so quickly. Then again, how does a healing mudslide, moving at an inch an hour, seem like a tidal wave, all at once? Prayer, yes indeed.

Enjoy your life, and your day. Set your worries down if for a few moments should they be clouding your visions, and figure out what you need to do and what you can do, pick something, and then do it. I have faith, if you do this, you will find success and perhaps figure out a solution to some of your worries while otherwise occupied, somehow. Blessings.

A stolen meme, twisted in my odd way.

.
.
A thought occurred after reading one of my usual blogs. But then I realized even I am tired of me. So, I decided to change it up a bit. How about twenty things I believe are worth loving? I am still involved, I just can't seem to get away from me. Oh, and trust me, I wish I could. Anyway, on with the program. (My use of both the period "." and the parenthesis ")", together, seemed to irritate mathematicians, science professors, and English types (at least those who graded or commented on my material). But I like it that way, so...)

1.) God. From the Trinity come all the gifts and the world in which to apply them. From food, to dance, to love, to the sun light, dawn and dusk, mountains and streams, all things, including Grace, flow from God.

2.) Family. These people who gave us life, a bit of their own, and no small fee and cost beyond that and beyond money. I have broken their hearts and minds at times. But those special few remain. A special gift from God to show us, if we have the eyes to see and the ears to hear, what love is before we can know more from reading and learning ourselves.

3.) Friends. These are our next step in learning about love and extending that special grace to others, beyond our families. Though these people come and go, some staying longer, some only known for seeming moments. Some of these people, though long gone from my life, still touch me and move me to kindness and other virtues to this day.

4.) People. All people really deserve our love. Oh, sure, there are those we can't abide, and perhaps truly shouldn't. But neither should we lose hope for them. A deathbed conversion is always possible. There is not always a chance for them, at least in my understanding. Christ suggested He came to save many or most, not all. But we cannot know who has no hope. Beyond, the majority of people seek to do good. Many, perhaps most, are misguided. If you have the way, lend the guidance, you will know how if you are true and see the opportunity. Let the Holy Spirit guide you.

5.) Pets, and actually stock animals. From companionship which feeds the soul; to food which sustains the "temple" that is us; to hunting companions and lead dogs for the blind, God saw fit to allow animals to fill the void between man and beast in some truly special ways.

6.) The foods we have to consume. There is an amazing array of foods. Fruits, vegetables, fungii, and my favorite... meat. We can eat so many things, the variety is truly astonishing. The way we can mix herbs, spices, and these other things into veritable feasts or eat a humble simple mix of a few items and still be fed is both artistic or mundane, with no insult to the mundane.

7.) Water, the bringer of life, after God of course. And the bringer of life in more than one way, through baptism. Refreshing and sweet on a hot day to man, beast and plant. A shaper of the world, paring mountains, hollowing craters a mile deep, or shifting the beaches as it pleases. God's own autonomous earth artist.

8.) Expressions. I love that people can show their feelings. Even some animals can exhibit nearly human emotions in their own way. This allows even babies to express themselves, a thing of beauty, an amazing thing. Sometimes all the words in the dictionary can't say what a single powerful expression says.

9.) Words. But not just words, the whole library of communications. I suppose this includes expressions, but I thought they are unique enough to deserve their own place. We communicate, as much as 70% or more, non-verbally. What a thing. I must speak absolute volumes because I never shut up. So if I never shut up and that is only 30% of my communication, I truly must be a constant vibration of information? Never you mind.

10.) Work. I am sure many tire of their labors. But work usually provides a trade of our time and effort for gain. The more valuable our input, often, the better our returns. But, I think, work is much more than that. It is our way of being a part and party to a functioning world. I can't work, I can't get my days straight and haven't have the 'something' required (ability to focus, memory, and some other... thing). I love to work, when I can. Even mowing, for now, when I can.

11.) Play. When work is done there is no small joy to be found in everything from getting together with family and friends and enjoying time together. Part of that is literal play, from sports to board games. Another part is everything from flirtations to merely keeping company and staying involved in each others' lives. Not all play includes other people. With my limits, for example, computer games offer me something to do and enjoy.

12.) Engineering. The notion that we can take materials, ideas, and manpower and turn what wasn't, perhaps never before, into what is, produce materials, buildings, automobiles, communication devices, medical cures, and actually everything we use today and every tool, device, cooking method, mode of transportation we have ever used, is absolutely amazing. Perhaps engineering is now more symbiotic with science, but the truly great engineers often create because they don't know what they are doing is "impossible" or "implausible", according to scientists or scientific theory. (Not science, which is, actually, fundamental truth, something we can't actually know here and now.)

13.) Mathematics and science. No, not academics. Sorry, but I think math and science and academics diverged as much as academics has left the Church, it's mother. I am talking about the real stuff. As well, though math is a form of communication and perhaps music, perhaps the purest form, I consider it a form of science since we truly do not understand it. For example, zero (as in 0), is merely a theory to this day. And the notion that 1 + 1 = 2 (and more, anything more complex) is unprovable. It is merely a given. Science is a joyful thing, to see something curious and to use specific methods to understand what it is that is being seen. I really do enjoy this. And math is the primary method of disseminating, dissecting, and constructing science.

14.) The arts, crafts, and creative outlets. I have no real skill here. And not all of these things, or specific areas within them, do I enjoy. But that is not necessary. There is something out there for any who choose to pursue one form or another, as participant or admirer.

15.) Music. These aren't necessarily in order, mind you. Although the tops one certainly are. In any case. While music can be called a form of mathematics or communication, I like to give it a place it deserves, a place of it's own. While I do listen to harder rock, heavy metal, and some punk/gothic, I am always looking for something new. After my middle death (near death they say, whatever), what I saw and heard shook me. One of the things I found odd was... if it wasn't just a mind trick mind you... that we communicated by singing. No, not a silly Broadway musical or something. I can't really explain it. Trust me though, if it is true, you will get over your current squeamishness about it. Beautiful. Anyway, music can be quite a stirring thing, to be loved.

This is getting hard. This could get tacky as I must go personal, maybe, eventually.

16.) Men choosing to be free men. In a world that says man must be subdued, choosing to be a free man is no easy task. And yet men do it every day. They do not bow to bad law or bad governments or various other more personal pressures, some pay the ultimate price. Others are ostracized, criticized, debased. Some free men live free in spite of the call to enslave, even right through slavery. Christ suggested men be good men where they are, slave or master, teacher or student, rich or poor. I like to believe being a good Christian IS being a free man, no matter the circumstances.

17.) Wool socks. (told you) Oh, I know. Many say they are itchy, they probably haven't tried merino wool socks. I wear them winter and summer, if of different thicknesses. Actually, they are far cooler in the summer (and dryer) than cotton, they last much longer (I have some pairs from six to seven years ago I do believe), and they are quite warm in the winter (plus they can handle some moisture getting in).

18.) Women. (This should be much higher.) (I like men, prefer them for conversations and such, on serious topics, but I don't quite love them except as family, friends, allies, or just as people. Sorry Charley, I don't swing that way (and I'm not really sorry about it at all).) I don't understand these creatures. I don't even fully understand my attraction to them. Further, I get along with them about as well as oil and vinegar... without some shaking... never... mind. Still, I truly enjoy these creatures. They fascinate me, intrigue me, baffle me. But I do very much see them as a gift from God. Oh... oh... my side! :p

19.) Beer. Was it Benjamin Franklin who said beer was proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy? It couldn't be too bad if monks have perfected some of the finest brews in the world. All things in moderation, mind you. I haven't had a drop since edema, and had too little for a long time before that as well. Should health improve and stabilize I will return to beer, and wine, and an occasional snort of scotch, more than before but not all that much either. Further, Christ's first miracle was to turn water to wine, and the good stuff at that. A six pack, or variations considering wine and scotch, a week would be my goal.

20.) The mountains. To look out my windows (in any direction) and see mountains, but more to drive in them, and eventually hopefully to hike in them is a blessing I can't give proper words to convey. They remind me to be humble, in my quieter times. They inspire me to their heights, literally or metaphorically, in high times. Never to challenge them, only to... take part in their grandeur, or more, perhaps, to be a witness to their heights and size and beauty.

Well, there it is. Not so easy, but worth the work, I think. What do you see as worthy of love?

I might be dieing, but...

.
.
It's a beautiful day to die!

Oh, fie, cavalier again? Oh well, not implying Godhood or anything, but I am a chip off Father's block in my own, if flawed, way in that I am who I am. Like we all are. I suppose we all take our gifts, then misuse them, in our own way. Hmm, I am an aggressive driver sometimes, too. More so when it is hot and mad, though probably not the worst you will ever know. Actually, I am going to spend the next two days in heavier than usual prayer, asking God to help... guide me. I'm not sure I am doing anything too wrong, I just want to... think about it all. I will find out when the next Sacrament of Reconciliation is being offered and get to Mass on Sunday. I am... now that I am thinking about it... doing well enough to get that started. My worry is pride, perhaps rage (if I try to sugar coat it in fancy words, phrases, or such), and some other things. While I am doing so well I want to begin on the right foot, that's all. To the best of my humble abilities, mind you. If only I could truly be as humble as my abilities, I would sure be in a better place.

I made it in, blood work was a breeze, and the doctor... both of them... seemed... humble. I didn't catch a smirk, get a dark look, or feel like I was being hated upon. Well, not by the doctors. I have a bad rep there, either because they read here or because my file tells them I'm a malcontent... or both? Fine, I don't care about my reputation, so long as it doesn't interfere with my care. We misscommunicated about something last time. I will accept it as my bad, and will correct it, if I honestly think I was only part of the problem. However, even with the extra lasix, my water levels (by sense) remain high, as does my blood pressure. Since it is my belief that my heart problem is related to the blood pressure, that is not okay. I will try what they had meant to have me doing. But if fluid remains even as is or my blood pressure doesn't go back down, I will add in the extra other type of water pill, and see if that helps. I will not allow the lower blood pressure or relative edema free conditions to slip my grasp. It almost seems they have different goals. Though, I do understand the concern regarding kidney function, I do. What a mess. As I said though, I would rather live comfortably then keel over than to live miserably for another four decades or something. It does seem they realize I will not let them operate on me. I haven't told them yet, so I am more suspicious that they do read here. The doctor seems to have heard of duct tape for warts, too. Which... seemed odd to me. Oh, he sort of reminded me of the other main doctor from the original mash (series, I think, not movie... I think) (This attitude is part of what I will be praying about, whether it is the right one. I think it is, as a consumer of medical care I have a right to expect things from it... but am I expecting too much? Am I wrongheaded?)

The bike still isn't in. It was supposed to be in sometime last week I thought. I may have to call and check on it. I did stop at my favorite restaurant today. The waiter got zip for a tip. I know it was busy, but he was a jerk. How often do I complain about wait staff? Usually I tip 20-30%. My tea didn't come out until after I was half through my appetizer, a second tea didn't arrive until I was finished with my entree, as I was eating the last of the chips and salsa they bring, he took my plate upon which the salsa was setting, and finally he didn't bring my coin change, I guess assuming he deserved it. Oh, then he gave me some kind of weird dirty look as I was heading out. So, other than the change he didn't deem worthy to return, he got no tip (Germans do that, but then that is all they expect... IIRC). No tip, zip. And I took a good look at him. I will walk out if I ever get him again. Out of... curiosity... Was I right, fair? Just looking for some feedback, everything seems a jumble today.

I do think, very possibly, I will get to mowing when it cools a bit outside. Just that one nagging little bit to go and I will be done. But it is going to be an absolute bruiser. Those remaining stalks are like iron or something. But I have to get to it. In the meantime, I would like to finally try those dishes. Why so difficult to do just a few things? I am running a little hot today. The temperature, loud music, very heavy mean traffic, if oddly the medical appointment was a calming salve, but then back at it at the restaurant which was supposed to be a calming easy meal. If the mowing doesn't kick it down a notch, I'll have to saddle the weight vest. It at least brings peace and eventually brings good sleep.

I do feel better after writing here. It takes some of the huff out. I could just do a journal, but typing is so much easier. And, sometimes, I do get feedback. I am almost certain, anyone who reads here is just as likely to see what the braggart fool is up to, whether he has died, and that is fair. Oh, right, being a braggart and being chatty are on my prayer list. Besides, before I go into Reconciliation I want to have things lined up both for forgiveness and then for correction of what I can correct. I am such a fool, thank God I have a loving, forgiving God and a Church that accepts even one such as me. That's all.

Now, get out there and have a great day. I did, even with all, I am sure you are better at it then I am. True peace.

Fantastic sleep.

.
.
I think the heat was the problem. While nights are still cool, using fans has brought that cool air in and made sleep de-licious. I think I was able to get to sleep rather early last evening and slept perhaps nine or ten hours. No problems here with that, personally. I had been awake for nearing 24 hours. While sleep cycles are still a bit funky, they are improving. Everything, really, is improving. Improvements are in small increments. Improvements are spread out over time. These are the ones that might lead to something. Feeling good for a day or week isn't the way, though that was a beautiful thing when it happened. This adds to my hope.

I have been eating, hydrating, and (mostly) taking my medicines and vitamins on time and regularly. I have been cleaning, sorting, mowing, and taking care, as I can. But more, I don't get caught up in one area to fall behind in four areas. I think, I say I think, I am finally ahead in most areas and at least keeping up in the other areas, even when I 'fall'. I have my hiking boots, I have replaced my underwear, I am augmenting my socks currently, last year I upgraded my pants and added shirts. Next I will be going through all of my clothing, getting rid of old and worn items. Now that I wash clothes regularly I don't need as large of a wardrobe so I can begin paring without replacing, to a degree.

I now having real hiking boots and all but several topo maps for a day adventure kit, my bicycle should be arriving soon, and I have intent to get out and go. I do need to find those hiking books, and begin finding trail heads. Some of those hikes will be too much, of course. But I can at least trail them up a bit and look around. Some of them will be too hot right now, but again, there is nothing wrong with seeing what I can do. And there is always hiking or biking to the nearby "lake", and then taking a quick swim... if the water level is good and if it isn't way too cold still. That weight vest I purchased back when I was taking Ritalin and starting to work out was a great investment, if it took a bit to begin paying off. All very good.

You know, all of that and having gotten into a home, with two pets, is more than I could honestly have hoped when I moved here. But this is WHY I moved, or a third of it actually. The dreams of being in the mountains, what I just wrote as a hope, and for survivalist, political, and social reasons, I took a huge gamble and moved out and alone in a brand new place where I would be a minority and an ill one. Though, if it does surprise academics (who could never fathom trying it by leaving their ivory tower socialist utopic bubble), being a minority IS an advantage, to be honest. The only time oppression comes is when one chooses to garner minority status into allowance for being less, or in fact have no choice in being less. Which I why I despise most minorities.

Up and early, choking down (not that bad actually... but work with me) the potassium, all 60 mg of the stuff mixed with Gatorade. About to take my pills and get ready for the drive. Waking well, easily, and ready, today will be a better day for a coherent appointment. My weight is back down(ish) to where it should be but my blood pressure is still high(er than where it dropped). Tinkering with medicines is a very touchy thing with me. These hacks are just as bad as any other medical advisers I have had, but they are seeing me more often, and now I (might?) have access to around the clock advice. That is yet to be proven, but... Anyway, it is at least on the road, rough and possibly lonely as that road is or may be, I think I have the tools through them to get the job done rightly. You know, the way they tinker and what that produces, I almost think they want me to feel as sick as I actually am? Never mind, as I said, I will do what I need to do, ignoring them as needed. Bah! Oh, by the way, the people I am working with... their titles... came as a bit of a shock. I am working with the heart transplant coordinators! I hope they realize I will never allow an open heart surgery (or probably even minor surgeries), let alone a heart transplant. Wouldn't conceive of it. Period.

By the way, I did call my mom yesterday. She said they didn't do much, just got together with 30 people and had a part day picnic. I laurfed, yes I did. Just 30 people, suggested I, with a vocal smirk. I told Sam, and even Sam agreed, saying "Ta womanz eatzez with 30 peeps and calls it 'not much', what a gasses!". Oh, and I have asked if September would be good for her to visit. She thinks it would be. Then I made an appointment for an haircut, tomorrow I think. Should be interesting. I am going to discuss the "do". Of course, it might be more a Hollywood fiction cut than anything real or maintainable. Perhaps starting with a frontal high flattop, double up military highwall sides, and leaving the back alone save for some minor rearward facing "v" shaping? I dunno. Hey, it's my hair. I see haircuts as... motivators, indicators of direction, and experimentation.

Have a great day! I'm planning to get out there and do so myself, with or without an actual helping hand. That is why God gave me two, and some feet, and a brain, give or take.

Ah well.

.
.
Sleep just will not happen. That is fine. Perhaps as it cools I will sleep tonight. I really don't want another overnighter going into an appointment. Though it will be early, I will have a shower and two hours of driving to waken me before arriving. The drive wasn't too bad last time. And the good part is I have an hour or so of driving before I hit the interstate. I need that hour, too. It seems really hot today. I can't sleep through the heat even with the fan right on me. Oh, something I realized... I am making appointments. Almost always, or canceling, mostly. The surgical thing was different. Even these early ones. Amazing, and I am not really trying. Absolutely Amazing.

I am still frozen too, for today, despite my little amusement. Either blogging, sort of random internet reading and stuff if the authors write slowly (uhrm, that is... a joke). Games or television are the other options. I am hating television more than ever. I could arrange for an haircut soon. I think I can, I think I can... I did find the duct tape to begin experimenting with that as a cure for warts. Two small bumps on my left palm, I know what they are from having had them on my finger for years before. They are supposed to disappear in a year or two. In the past mine did not, having one small set for half a decade or more. I hate them. I would like to call my mother as well, to see what she did for the fourth. Anymore it usually involves a meal, friends, family if possible, and a sedate but jovial affair... or a day of utter and complete rest. But I like to hear about it anyway.

I should warn people. When you read hear, believe it to be fictionalized to whatever extent you believe it is fiction. Stick with that. Doubt everything, directly, absolutely. I don't need your belief and I doubt if you can handle the truth, assuming what I write isn't fiction and is true. If you feel that way, the truth will rip you in half. I don't even know why I wrote that... just a... feeling. Someone out there can't believe. I just felt like saying that it is fine, you don't have to believe. That is my job. And it won't change the truth.

Well, on to... something or other. Hmm, putting some oil in my ears while making some calls, so that it might be dry enough before I sleep might be the thing. Little medical experiments all over the place here, now. It should be interesting to see how things turn out. Duct tape, oil, water, water pills... Sounds like the basics for a poorly written mystery. Ah well, go figure?

Later, or and again, "good night".

Can't quite...

.
.
I can't quite get to bed, I can't quite work, I'm stuck between everything and nothing. My mind works, behind the facade of flesh. I think, react, plan, tinker, and I can write. The ability to implement thought into action is something I can't do. I don't even know how that is possible. Before I became ill, if someone had told me this was happening to them, I would have thought them a liar. These freezes have been happening a bit more lately. I do work when I can. And I do try to force the issue, usually to no success. Then again, the freezes only last a shorter bit than before even edema. And I am rather happy with what I have gotten done. And I do believe I will succeed in doing much more this summer. I just wish I could do a bit more, a bit more of the time, and more regularly. *grumble* Maybe through time I will be able to keep things going a bit better.

I received another medical call today. Something about the CPAP machine, a consultation and class. I will be speaking with someone who, I hope, actually understands the medical side of this better than my gp. I need to make sure they aren't using just the numbers from the at-home sleep test. I had pulmonary edema at the time, those results should not be the basis for offering such equipment. It isn't that I would mind taking and using the machine... if I need it. But in these times I simply do not wish to tax the system for a very possibly unneeded piece of equipment, follow up exams or such, travel, and all the rest. It does add up. I would rather have another stab at testing rather than get started on such an expensive procedure. I think medical people, especially union or government employed, believe that spending money helps the economy. Well, it doesn't. It drains the economy, especially when it is unnecessary. We will see, here, too. My problem with sleep is as much that I get too little as that I get or feel the need for too much. It just doesn't fit sleep apnea from what I have seen.

Fine, I see why doctors hate me. I don't just do what I am told. I don't just accept their diagnosis, or prognosis, or medication. I will work with them, but only to a degree. I think I am more than reasonable. They think they actually know something, or at least that the other doctor or specialist does. I don't believe they have more than a passing clue what helps some small subset of the population, and not necessarily even a regular part of it. Some studies are more about women, others more aimed at men, while others pick their favorite minority, and they aren't the same. Further, studies are notoriously wrong. From eggs being labeled as unhealthy to low salt being a good thing all around to... Oh, go read medical studies from twenty to forty years ago and find one that actually still holds up. (Not that is still acted upon, doctors are still using many outdated notions, but which other studies have not seriously questioned or simply disproven.)

I don't actually hate doctors, at all. I just think their ego far exceeds their capacity for it. Actually, that works for them as a group, they share it to other doctors and it reciprocates around in an ego-chamber. At least publicly. Who knows what they really think of each other. Egos have only so much room for other egos, when they get that large. I did meet a good doctor once. He was with a lawyer, at the bottom of the sea. Bah! Never... mind... Just grumpy about a thousand things today, plus I want to sleep and work and can't do either. At least I got some boxes broken down and the trash out, recycling out, and the litter boxes changed before it all froze. I've been up too long, I think. That's when sleep can be the most difficult. Well, that and the hot days now. Not bad in here, but warm enough to inhibit sleep after the cool of the night passed, but not before giving something by which to know the difference between cool and HOT.

Later, maybe good night, if I can screw my head on rightly and crash.

Well, one thing more done before I try to sleep. I had called my bank in Iowa to change my address. They said they couldn't do it, shortly after I moved here, but that I could do it online. The problem is their online system never accepted any of my addresses! They wanted to mail me a form to fill out and send back, and I think I even got it too. But, uhm, you know me by now. Especially back then, though even now with regards to paperwork. Hmm, I bet it is still in a stack somewhere (though now, as I am throwing tons of other stuff away as well, it will be twice as easy to circular file that piece of paper). So, I called in today, just on a lark. Done and done. Plus I asked for a debit card. I have online access of course, but having to write checks for cash can be a clumsy way of using money there, here, in a timely fashion. Between me and them (whoever they happen to be, bankers, doctors, lawyers, salesmen and women, mechanics, etc.) I lead an insane little buggy life. Maybe that is changing though. Seriously, Sam.

Yes, a medicine dispenser, soon.

.
.
I am losing track of what I have taken when. And, with my days and nights getting mixed up, the problem is compounded. Having two days in one because of two sleep cycles, or having two days seem more like one because of an extended awake cycle, is disconcerting. Trying to take medicines regularly with those shifts is tedious mind trickery. I think I have probably been taking too much rather than too little... I think. Confusion is a pain.

I did just receive a call back from the V.A. concerning my call to them over the weekend. I was given written instructions about how to reach them, what I had been given in written form was incomplete. Perhaps I was given the instructions orally, but I don't think so, or was trying to carry on several conversations at once and that did not get stored, or was a bit out of it as I had been up all night the night before. I let them know what I had done, adding some lasix. I was given a few added instructions in that I need to take more potassium, and the reason why the 5 pound as critical to call instruction was given. Okay, back on track there, a bit. Live and learn. I go in again tomorrow.

I was unable to get all of the boxes out this morning. I lost track of time, and thought I could just break the boxes down in moments. Some of the boxes had been used to ship heavy equipment and had heavy metal staples everywhere! Breaking down even some of the non-stapled boxes was a bit more of a chore and time eater than planned. Still, I finished probably a dozen boxes before the recycling truck arrived, having to throw away only a few. I have maybe four more boxes which will go next week. Dishes are in a fresh hot soak, but there are probably two single loads after those, in part because I have been cooking and eating on top of what remained from illness. Nothing is quite done but everything is advancing. My home looks messier, in some areas, than when I started. But my bedroom has become a clearing house for transitional materials awaiting a permanent place, my coats have been collected in the living room as I decide where to put all of them, and other areas have small operations going on. Even doing better than before the major illness, I am no speed demon (regarding some chores for sure). So long as I don't get stuck there, in a week or two everything should be in order. Ready for the next round of clarity through mess! After this group is cleared though, I think I will change my sheets, and with that and the cleared rooms, simply enjoy a couple of weeks of domestic clarity before digging in to the next grouping of items.

Warts on my left palm seems to be my latest problem. Looking on the web I see a number of cures. The doctor, of course, which is out. Over-the-counter medicines, with which I am reluctant to be bothered. But there are some interesting potential cures. The one that has my interest is... duct tape. Apply the tape over the area, leave it for six to seven days, then file the area to remove dead skin. Rinse and repeat for two weeks to a month. I like that idea, more than the others, because warts are contagious and can even affect other parts of my own body. And, no, it's not from THAT. Sheesh. I'm blind from that, without my glasses. Warts are from... never mind. :p

While I wait for the dish water to cool I may simply toss a load or two of laundry in. That should see me caught up on that score. It is absolutely fantastic to have clean clothes, clean sheets, and clean blankets. Three months of living like a dog was quite enough. Even at the greatest heights of my illness before edema I tended things much more diligently and frequently, even though I was often unaware I was taking care. Pulmonary edema was a different thing though, adding to confusion and memory loss and creating a real physical incapacity. It almost is feeling like my mother visited and cleaned up while I went to town and I just forgot or something! Oh, and having three kitty litter boxes has seriously improved the odor problems. The odd thing is they don't seem to be being used as much as I would have thought. I am wondering if Sam is holding it for outside? I may have to train her because when winter comes she won't be able to go out. I would have found poo, if they were doing it somewhere in the home. By smell almost certainly, but also because I am getting everywhere as I sort and such. Bah! Stubborn girl! Oh, but with the lids, they don't miss and the systems aren't leaking in any way.

Have a great day. If you don't like it just, go... figure it out! Trust me, you can. If I can, you definitely can. Plus, you have my permission.

Oh really? That fast?

.
.
Here is the problem with libertarian and conservative notions. No, they aren't incorrect, let us get that straight. What is wrong is the promises. If conservatives and libertarians take over the government and the Democrat party simply disappeared down the memory hole, and that was that for all time, within certain parameters, AND that happened today, it would take time to work through the details and even begin on a road to recovery. That road would not be a short little painless turning of the corner and eventual reversing of course at various speeds depending on 'traffic and road conditions'. Not only have many political, social, and economic roadblocks been created to stop or at least slow the economy from going or growing in the right direction, the trip even without impediments is very long. Government and banking have been sprinting and crawling and sneaking to economic madness for a century. The best we could do, in the short term, is perhaps plant seeds for growth in a decade or two, water those seeds, and wait. Our education system is in ruins, our social fabric is shredded, our industry and to some extent resource development have been compromised or out-right crushed. We are hurting.

I see here, in articles like this, where it is assumed that ending the death tax in Ohio will, seemingly, suddenly create wealth, jobs, state revenue, and maybe lollipops for all?

What most of the critics don't understand is that repeal of the estate tax ultimately means more tax dollars, not fewer. A 2009 Duquesne University study found that state and local governments lost some $3 in non-estate tax revenues for every $1 increase in federal estate tax revenue. Overall, the study calculated, eliminating the federal estate tax would boost state and local tax revenues by approximately $9.3 billion annually. With Ohio business owners now able to focus their energy and resources on growth and success, rather than on the survival of their businesses after they die, we can expect them to invest more money in those 200,000 businesses, hire more workers, and increase purchases—all of which will help increase the tax base.

Too much promise. How many of the top companies have already left. They have vested their money elsewhere, they couldn't return even if they wanted to and I doubt if the death tax was the only problem. The businessmen remaining in the state are probably doing all they can do, as is. And those who have thought about getting into the game have probably been discouraged and would find it difficult to step up at this point in any case. Capital is at a premium, ignore how the Fed is dealing with interest rates as they are balking at reality and tilting into the wind, for their own gain and for political reasons (as if there is much difference these(?) days).

I just want them to be straight with people. I get it. Others understand. But the average Joe reads this is says, "Hey, all we have to do is this, and... nirvana!" Then he is told, well, we also have to do this other thing. And, again, he says, "Hey, all we have to do is this and that, and bingo!". Then he is told, well, no, we have to do this, that, and the other things. A little less enamored of it all, but still hopeful, he says, "Well, okay. So, we have some work before us, but, it is possible". Then he is told that now we have to wait for it, once all is done. Eventually poor old Joe simply thinks he has been had. Tell him that any one thing is merely a piece in a directional puzzle. That the puzzle then has to be given time to come together, for people to trust to utilize those pieces, and then hope. There is no cure for human fallibility and the depth of that we have used to put us in the economic situation we are in is profound. Time is as much a piece of the puzzle as anything. And, so far, we haven't even changed direction in the big picture, we aren't even slowing and can't for some time. Quit promising rainbows and pixie dust while Rome burns and you find a bucket of water, please. Thank you, The Management.

After a glorious start.

.
.
Well, the term "glory" has been modified for my use, within my understandings and capacities, mind you. Still, a bit of vest wearing, shopping, and visiting with neighbors rightly counts as glorious, given the caveats. In any case, after the sparkle of glory wore off, I took my meds (perhaps again... med-set... I need a weekly medicine dispenser thing-a-ma-bob, or two, soon). I can't remember too much else. Ah, I brought the fans into play, finally. They almost cooled things off too much. Which means I felt quite good. So good in fact that I did the only thing I could possibly do. I slept! I think, somehow, they put cat genes in me. Maybe I am more than a simple Frankenstein? Bah. I slept for many hours. The last week has been hot, and got that way in a hurry after a cool to downright cold spring. I believe my sleep has been disturbed by it. Along with medicine changes and trying to figure out mortal coil function again, it has been slightly turbulent flying. My sleep hasn't been shallow so much, and it has been restful, the problem is I would not sleep very long due to heating issues. The sleep was long (a typical eight hours), lush, deep, and regenerative.

I still need to get the medicine arranged. The extra lasix seems to have helped. While not choking on water, imagine being up to your neck in water. While fine, you know a misstep or a hole in the ground you are bouncing across will lead to you being underwater. Okay, got that. Now, imagine the pool is inside your throat. I was getting a bit full. I could sense that. I learned to mentally suppress the cough but I could still tell my internal water table was high. The extra lasix drained the pool. This last void I was thinking if I ever have a fire and a half hour notice, one or two extra pills and there would be no need for a fire truck. Pass them out to a couple other people and we could handle a three or four alarm fire.

But too, my ability to function, think clearly, and remember have all also been negatively impacted by recent medicine changes. With the high water mark and the higher blood pressure, I am unsure which, or if both to what degree either has specifically degraded my abilities. I am thinking it is most likely the high blood pressure, but the higher blood pressure is due TO the high fluid levels, so... I definitely am hoping this little self-adjustment will modulate my status for their and to my satisfaction. No one has ever called me back in spite of being told someone was always there to answer the phone, and that going over 5 pounds gained was critical. No problem, I have learned not to actually rely on medical staff literally or figuratively. With these medicines working as they do, or can, I have the tools to diy, with the doctors merely to check blood levels and tell me if something is too out of whack. They have proven wrong, again, on adjustments, and been untruthful about being there for me. No problem, that is why "I" am here. :) Well, on with the experiment.

I am hoping, tomorrow, to get the last bit of lawn mowed. And, if I can, to haul the roofing materials to the coop. The weight of the material is actually more than one would think. It is only a 20' x 40' roof area. All I have is a wheelbarrow, two arms, and two legs. I could ask for help, but I hate asking for help on this part of it. I will be calling one of my neighbors when I begin, after checking for wasps. Even with wasps I might be able to get the materials out and into the coop. I best make sure I can start tearing down and rebuilding safely though. I did a rough check on wasps earlier this spring but it was too wet (snow even I think) to get up on the roof to check under a loose panel near the top. The other trick to getting the materials out there is that I have a gate to get through, and there are ponies and a llama I need to consider. While not as sneaky as cats in getting out, have no doubt that these beasties are ever so clever and they want fresh grasses. At least the llama, and actually the others too as Shetland pony types have a bad reputation, are very amenable, only possibly being tricky (though I haven't seen that, I KNOW animals (and people:)). So, I can't just leave the gate open, I have to keep an eye on the critters, and the wheelbarrow will only help with the more compact steel panel sheaf itself. The under-panels, while lighter, are many, will catch wind, and do have some heft to them. So, this will be a major minor chore. Urhm, I think I can handle the box of screws with only minor effort, on the good side.

And dishes. I may try to push through and finish those, finally, tonight. The other thing I would like to do is figure out how much room I have in the recycling bin. I have a collection of boxes I would like to send on their way. To be honest, I might end up putting some in the trash too. Oh, I know, but I have been unable to get to things for months, a year really. So when I see the chance to take care of one complete eyesore all at once... you know what... recycling is second, third, or actually not even in the fiddler line-up. I am still waking from my nap, or sleep, or... coma. A bit of tinkering, "afternoon" pills, a bite to eat, and then I will get to it.

Oh, not the best seeming 4th of July ever, to some people's reckoning. But, for me, what does freedom mean if I am not standing on my own two feet? What does righteous law and order mean if I am in such pain that I can't reason. What is opportunity if I can't breathe? I used those clumps at the bottom of my legs today and well, I haven't used a Tylenol in a week or two despite shoving work through when I can as the minor aches and pains are just that and quite transitory, and I am breathing well even when moving like a war banshee. So, to me, the holiday was a smashing success. It is one of the best I have had as an adult. Fireworks will be finishing the day, if technically already over, with a clean boxless kitchen. Oh, the great thing about sleep oddities? I sometimes get TWO holidays per your one. Being crippled can have it's advantages. I just wish people remembered that at Christmas. Sheesh.

Later.

Out and about.

.
.
After taking the vest off, I did indeed find some ease in getting to at least one of my chores, shopping. Showering, grooming, dressing, then... right into town. A ton of peanut butter, carrots, celery, a lamb shank, soda, and the rest. I tried to mix meats, vegetables, and fruits in, along with milk. I've been cooking breakfast the last three days and I have been enjoying that, well... the breakfast anyway. Into town and back, easy as pie. I grabbed fast food on the way back. It got a little cold with what happened and the drive. I just don't like eating and driving. Cool food was worth it though.

When I got back, the neighbors who own the horses and llama were here, so we chatted. I know know their names. We ended up talking about a dozen things. It was quite pleasant. I hope I didn't come off as too much of a chatty type. Their ears must still be ringing! I might have been 'running a little hot' from the weight vest, shopping, and such. Oh well, they... know who I am, I have a better idea who they are, I met some of their kids, and it was a pleasant thing for my part. Yes it was, it was good to be a neighbor. She did notice that I am either seemingly hiding... or I am quick, gone in a flash. Well, yes, that is true. I need to spend more time out in my yard, figuring out climbing, just messing around, and other things. They have been meaning to stop by. But then, they have 6 kids, a number of goats, chickens, he drives (short line I think). Hmm, yeah, busy. Oh, but they invited me over some afternoon when I am up to it to take part in their chores. Beside raising chickens, they raise and milk goats. If nothing else I will have a better idea of what that is all about. Oh, and she suggested I not buy eggs anymore. They are grateful to have use of the fenced area. Such an easy thing to offer for me and something they really needed. And, they are working with the man who used to bail out back, so that is pretty much covered.

No parade. Still, I did get the bins back in by the house. I am going to try and chill a bit. Barring that I will have to put the weight vest back on. Hey, it beats a straight jacket, if in some way it is a restraining item. I can still compute with it on though. You know, I am lucky they didn't kill me treating a heart condition with psychotropics. Seriously. Damned fools. Unless I really am unique somehow? No, I simply think they are fools.

Well, on to something else. Tinkering I suppose. I hope to make a couple of boxes of ammo today. Nothing fancy, just slightly above minimum plinking rounds. Doh! Forgot to get a med-set, and really need one. Later.

Teaching a cat?

.
.
We will see. I have decided, for Sassy to earn her treats, she will have to do a trick. I say "up", and put a treat down then point it out. I don't think she will ever quite understand pointing, and it did take her a while to understand "up" meant treats somewhere, close to my extended tapping finger, but she is learning. It will take a long time. I figured I would try this after months of saying "Hungry" and "Food" to get her when about to feed her canned food. Now I can say either word and get her worked up into a lather. I always feed her, but sometimes not before working her hunger up to a peak. *evil grins* Oh hush, I only do that once in a while. And it IS entertaining.

The vest is about to come off. It is amazing how enlarged I get wearing it. My wrist, for example. I need to loosen my watch band 3 notches while wearing the vest and for a good number of hours afterward. My body, though still solid from wearing it before, becomes double or triple as solid seemingly and somehow. Muscles in my upper body down to my waist are affected it seems. I am curious to see what happens when I take it off. Will I just be a bit tired, will I set off an 'updraft', or will I just feel better and have life become easier? I am sure only doing it regularly for a while will give a definite answer though. I have heard that Roman legions not only fought with their armor, of course, but also marched with it on and even built fortifications and bridges and such while wearing their armor. Depending on with whom you speak, their armor alone may have weighed sixty to eighty pounds. And these guys were short compared to modern times. I would almost have been considered a giant then.

Hmm, out of habit I took the trash and recycling out and set it by the road for pickup. Well, probably not a good thing. I am not sure if they have a parade today or not. In any case, I think I'll pull it all back after I take the vest off. Have a great day.

Hmmm. Happy 4th of July.

.
.
I had forgotten to set my alarm and I didn't let the cats sleep with me because when they want me awake they can make it so and I still woke early. Too early, perhaps. I took my stats, again not good if not quite as bad as it has been, 144/84. Weird. The systolic stayed high while the diastolic dropped to a reasonably good number (though not close to the best, at 57 or recent usual in the 60's). I can't remember if I took the extra lasix last night or not. I bet I did because when my bp drops, short term memory can become an issue and I have been doing very well with memory recently. Weight is still a bit high. I'll keep tinkering.

It's the 4th, is it? I haven't checked for fireworks presentations because I am not going. Between goobers, children, out-of-town trouble-makers, and alcohol consumption anywhere near a college campus, I think staying at home is best. I might find some pro-American city's presentation and watch it online. Not NYC, not Chicago, not L.A., S.F., or those types. I think most of those cities put things on as a means to pay public unions overtime, prepare for the real celebration when capitalism and the full understanding of a free people is finally defeated and such. No, perhaps some city in Texas. Then again, are there any truly patriotic big cities? Perhaps the notion is as queer as the man acting as the current president? Bah!

A piece of heated chicken for breakfast, and then on with the weight vest. I am not in an uncontrolled forward rush this morning. What I am thinking though, is that if it works for that perhaps it works for just the opposite. I am going to see if wearing it for a couple of hours can make getting going easier. Only instead of wearing it until I ease down, just wearing it a few hours in the morning to gear the machine up then leave it without a load. I must say, wearing it for six or eight hours that last time... tightened my body from biceps to pecs to sphincter! Uhrm, probably all of them. I like feeling solid. Actually, I am still tight from having worn it. I wonder what wearing it regularly will do?

On to... something. Have a great day. I hope you eat, meet, and watch, or do something. Oh, never mind those of us hiding out. At least you know one who is beginning to work at making a debut into the world in a year or two. I'll join you next year, or the one after that, in spirit in one sense, in flesh in another, just probably not combined. I'm... I'm not sure I like you that much. :p

Steak and chicken.

.
.
I am starting to learn to cook chicken thighs on the grill. Regular use helps keep the grill in order. I am learning to use the scraper/scrubber to better success, along with heat, both before and after cooking. Just a little care, once you figure it all out, does a pretty good job. I just love having cooked chicken to either eat cold (bleh) or heat up if I have the time and the day isn't too hot.

The steak, a double thick, bone-in, ribeye, came out absolutely perfect. Delicious, tender, beefy. Though my appetite has been mild and my meals are usually no more than six to ten ounces, I was able to eat this steak AND a potato. That was my holiday meal and I did enjoy.

I have not been doing much. I seem to either be burning the candle and both ends and sandbagging myself or otherwise trying to figure that out or simply slumping lately. Again, with the medicine changes, I suspect there is a medical reason. I will be taking more lasix tonight, to try and get more water out. I will take lasix up to where it was. If that doesn't do it I will add in the various levels of hydrochlorothiazide until I drop just enough to have gained four pounds, as they had wanted. Hmm, that big meal might make the notion a little difficult to be sure so I will give it three days to sort itself out.

I am going to try and sleep. Setting my alarm for 9:00 or 10:00. There isn't much to do tomorrow, being a holiday. If I hear lawnmowers, I will consider mowing that last little bit. If not, the next day. This is so weird, going through highs and lows, bp jumping around, weight doing weird things, all while trying to... figure things out. Anyway, good night.

The messages we receive.

.
.
As the sun begins to slip past the mountains, the afternoon cools, meats thaw, and as I wake I started considering a few things. Dishes, the last of them, are on my mind. It seems silly that I haven't finished them yet. That I have come as far as I have though, actually, is a surprise to me. If I finish them, perhaps that will be a bad thing. I seem to be holding onto them, unsure what finishing them might mean, or do. Will it mean I am cured and now must pick up my crutches and sprint at the worlds beck and call? Or does it mean merely that my mind or the world has tricked me again and I will be crippled again, or dead, tomorrow? The thoughts are muted, for whatever reason, this "morning". My thoughts are like words as they used to be uttered in libraries. Hushed, brief, considered. Nevermind these thoughts, I have no answers.

My mind reconsiders the meats. Are they thawed? If so, which should I cook for this evening? Then I look to the dirty dishes. Maybe I should finish the dishes so as to not have a guilty conscience about dirtying more dishes before all are cleaned. Then it strikes me, the world asks such odd things of us, or maybe it is just me. The world seems to suggest that I create or obtain functional items, like a nice shiny kitchen (or at least the kitchen I have will do, but it must be clean). And the world demands I utilize it as well. If the demands stopped at the kitchen, I think I could do that. But both interest and need demand that I have and utilize many items, groups of things, and relationships. All, I am told, I am supposed to utilize to their fullest and all must be kept in the best of condition. I can finally remember who I am more than not. Now I suppose I might know why my head was kept in the sand, or part of it. It seems I am being asked for the impossible, to have my cake and to eat it both at the same time.

I should be honest, if my proverbial head is fully extracted from the sand, it is not fully functioning quite yet. I can see what I had been missing but I can't quite do much about all of it. The blood flow has not fully resumed and there is still some sand in my eyes. Some of it yes. A bit at a time. As well, I am still hitting those starts and stops, perhaps due to medicine changes, energy level shifts, or something else, perhaps summer heat? Every trick to deal with one thing leads to a new set of problems. While the weight vest quieted the energy spike it did not allow directly or quickly for sleep. A break but one that can't quite bring the locomotive to a full stop. I am just figuring out how to figure it out, finding the old problems coupled with new situations with which to contend. I am just seeing that what is asked of me is not really possible. I realize how humbling it is to be a man. I even see the pride by which I often stumble and in my writing and am not always able to manage it well.

None of that is negative, as I am seeing things. Those things are merely a part of the truth of existence. Like limits or givens, the rules, and the knowns in mathematics, these are notions which could be used to begin living a fuller, complex, good life, or solving life within my capacity... perhaps? I am not sure what to make of it all, not quite yet.

Days and nights are completely topsy turvy. I almost thought to say "again", but they have never quite settled. Every time I near a normal day and night rotation I either end up needing more sleep or I find myself unable to sleep until night becomes my day. I feel like I am rolling rigged dice, betting on the fastest horse but the one that has been sandbagged by the betting powers that be, or running up a hill that is sliding backwards variously faster or slower than I am running but in such a manner that I cannot quite know which. Is it all just me, my decisions conscious or not, my body, why can't I just do things, force things, make it happen? Why can't I just reason things. Why can't I just do what I think is my will? At least my mind is no longer shouting about it. At least I am moving forward in many areas. Oh, my blood pressure is up. Not to it's typical highs, but... Is that causing problems too? Questions.

Yes, stuck on me. For the moment. But I have not been this close to a hope, a real hope, since Ritalin. And given my heart condition, that would be dangerous. And this is hopeful by possibly fixing the problem, not dealing with one of several symptoms. Sometimes I feel that this hope is slipping away. So I think about it. Maybe too much? Questions.