Up early.

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I did not mow last night. By the time it had cooled, to my way of thinking, it was simply too dark. Being up this early, again, gives me a chance to get out there before it gets too hot. I am thinking of trying pull the cord and beginning the process in an hour and change. By 9:00 I shouldn't be too much of a pest to late sleepers if there are any hereabouts and it should still be cool. A haircut this afternoon, a call to check on my bike a little after 8:00, checking on a ticket for my mother to visit, and checking in on my friend while in town as well.

While I am doing well, and as I am coming up, I keep running into things. When feeling really well I am prone to be cavalier, rude, injudicious, and many other things. Thankfully, at least, I am not dangerous to others or myself or anything more serious than casting aspersions, acting clownish, and hurting feelings. Most of which I think there ought to be more of, in any case, if I am not sure it is my place or that I am the wisest source of those things, if there is such a thing as a wise source of that. Maybe those things can only come from people such as me, or people in my situation however temporary or long, because tamed, civil, "educated" people are too cowed into cogs to dare step over any of the lines which need to be trampled into the dust. Rationalizing? True? I don't know.

There are other things I face as I begin to do better. Things that potentially allowed me to sink before, or... maybe not. Of course, some of my rising and sinking probably has as much to do with various health issues, perhaps everything to do with simple (if complicated to treat) physical ailments, as I have long suspected. My heart, I am suspecting, has something to do with it much of it. Diabetes seems, impossibly I am gathering from doctors in spite of the information in front of their faces, to come and go. What else is going wrong from time to time that hasn't been caught yet? Kidneys, and even my liver, have triggered alarms off and on in the doctors offices for decades. Things seen once then gone the next few times have always been chalked up to bad tests. Should every third or fifth test be bad, really? Anyway, but there are other things that happen, on my side when better. Things I am trying to avoid this time. If there is anything I can honestly do to make sure I continue to improve, I am seeking to do it.

Then again I haven't been this good for this long in decades. Ritalin offered this level of function, more actually. But the side effects distorted things. I am in uncharted territory. But now that I no longer believe I am bipolar I am starting to look for the real causes and to take responsibility for my actions and reactions. Perhaps my highs are a natural reaction to not being sick? If so, I will have to learn to harness and moderate my feelings and/or the energy available. Perhaps my ill mannered behaviors are a natural result of dealing with many pent up frustrations and such from being too weak and vulnerable to give those things a voice most people naturally give complaints, griefs, wrongs, and such, and for so long a deprivation? Given time, like a teenager learning to control themselves, I will learn too. One hopes I will learn much more quickly but nothing is guaranteed. Perhaps I can catch up enough to settle down and then back into society to some reasonable degree. There is that hope.

Hey, what did you expect from prayer? I thought I might find answers. And I suppose I am. Probably more quickly than I thought, but not written on stone tablets either. But answers, true ones, are only as good as one's ability and willingness to act on them. And after those questions are asked and answered and then handled as well as you can, you move on to the next level. I will continue to pray for these concerns. There is much I don't know and there is much I need to do and it is happening so quickly. Then again, how does a healing mudslide, moving at an inch an hour, seem like a tidal wave, all at once? Prayer, yes indeed.

Enjoy your life, and your day. Set your worries down if for a few moments should they be clouding your visions, and figure out what you need to do and what you can do, pick something, and then do it. I have faith, if you do this, you will find success and perhaps figure out a solution to some of your worries while otherwise occupied, somehow. Blessings.