A weight off the shoulders, two actually.

.
.
While I had purchased what I needed for food storage this month, I went ahead and went one step further.  I ordered enough grains and legumes for a year.  That is only one small part of getting the total supply of food needs but it is a significant chunk.  It may even be the most expensive chunk.  Well, almost.  The next piece of gear I need is a solid grain mill.  Those range from $450~$650, before taxes, title, shipping, handling, and whatever else can hit a shopper.  Still, it is on it's way, being at the top of the list.  Next I need to go back to the checklist and begin hitting the other things.  Some things need to be slightly altered for me.  Rather than sugar I will go with Splenda.  Thankfully Splenda comes packaged in a sealed container (the larger ones).  Though I am not sure how long it truly lasts.  I will add some sugar, some honey, and some of the other sweeteners.  But my primary will be Splenda.  Most of my other goods will be just fine as they are listed from what I can tell.  After that, the only real gear I need is a pressure canner, a hot-water canner (though maybe a good pressure canner can also be used for a hot-water canner by having the pressure reliefs open?).  The rest of my needs are food based.

It wasn't just a comment posted that got me to revisit my prep purchase this month...  I am beginning to... have concerns.  I won't say a major problem is months away, but I won't say it isn't.  It could be years away.  Maybe it was like in August, when I sensed winter.  While I don't know if that means anything either, it did make me wonder.  I am wondering about... how much time is left before real problems hit.  Much as a squirrel, if it felt winter like I did, even in August, it might begin prepping much more diligently.  So... sure, I have become a squirrely squirrel.  I'd much rather be safe than sorry.  Do what you will, but be thinking... if all fails, who would feed you if you can't feed yourself?  And, why should they?  What do you offer?  I don't have a thing to offer.  Besides, remember that video about luck the other day?  Assume you have no luck, make your own.  Which... is exactly what I am setting out to do.  If it all goes down, don't knock on my door, you... ain't that lucky.

That will be all until after my mother returns home, I have new tires, and I have that gift for my lady friend and my mother's Christmas wrapped and sent.  Well, and maybe a little breather to let the coffers build again.  Yikes but the natives strip it to the bone.  Well, thankfully I have games to play and beans to eat, lentils to boot!  :p

Good day.

One little success.

.
.
It looks like I might be turning the clock back in my schedule.  I know that seems like a small thing.  But it has only happened a few times in my adult life.  And it really isn't important when Iran is racing to nukes, half the Middle East is on fire against the West, and a massive drought has brought and will be bringing more pain to an economically beaten world to top things off, just to hit one of thousands of real problems.  I can do little... scratch that... I can do nothing about those things.  I can try to change when I go to bed and when I wake though.  And I did.  Going to bed at 3:00 I set my alarm for 11:00.  I slept two to three hours ahead of what had become the norm.  I set my alarm for 11:00, and... thereabouts... I woke.  My goal is to try to continue with this for about a week, then shift it back another notch, say sleeping at 1:00 and waking at 9:00 or 10:00.  It is merely a matter of taking control of what aspects of my life are within my grasp.  That is all.  But it is huge for someone who has so little control in so many areas, and can rarely even do this little trick.  Normally I have to wait weeks or months to sleep my way around the clock back to days.

I am having weird dreams.  Some are very life-like, possibilities, of the mundane sort.  Others are just the oddest concoctions a man could imagine.  Some don't even make sense in a way I could explain, other than the life of a being not even of the dimensions of which we are accustomed.  I am not remembering them much when I wake, just enough to know I had them.  The extra-dimensional dream?  I couldn't wrap my mind around what was happening WHILE the dream was happening.  Wild, I'll tell you.  Think of a cross of Picasso and Dali paintings come to life but in 1 1/2 or 2 1/2... or 10 1/2 or something dimensions.  It was so foreign to even my weird and expanded way of thinking of things...  Absolutely mind altering dreams.  I'm glad I can't remember much of that one.  Not that it was horrific, merely that it was so strange that thinking about it is a huge tax on all of my neuro-potential.  It doesn't cause a headache, the little I can see, it just overloads 'the machine'.  You would think someone would have to have used drugs to even imagine such things, but... nope.  Never used mind-altering stuff.  Thank God, too... if this or worse would be the result.  Then again, that my mind can even concoct something means I probably have an unheard of imagination quotient, and maybe some other faculties back there, hidden from my common conscious view.

Well, on to... something.  Get back to work!  :p

A bit more prepper shopping.

.
.
Being close enough to the end of the month that one of my checks is in, I decided to go ahead and buy this month's prep supplies.  Nothing fancy, and some of it is going into circulation immediately, so I bought extra.  The first item on my list was lentils.  Some local academic types swore by them, Survival Blog recently had a piece, and others seem to swear by lentils.  I am sure I have eaten lentils before, I sampled a mix the locals put together, too.  But I can't remember the taste.  Though, when hungry, taste is a bit further down the line.  But done right, and with ham for example, I am betting these things are quite good.  But more, unlike other beans, there is no need to pre-soak and they cook in 20 minutes, give or take.  So, yeah.  Beside being a super-food, a real one, they prep and cook in a comparative jiffy.  All good.  I also purchased a couple of cans of heritage seed and a week supply of MREs, to see how long that will really take me.  I am going to see about eating MREs entrees twice a week, just as an add to my ongoing attempt to eat a bit more.  Who knows, next spring may see me trying a variety or two of the seeds.  I am thinking tomatoes.  Maybe peppers too.  While the fruit of the plants would be nice they are a side issue for now.  What I am really interested in is creating more seed, learning how to grow the plants best, things like that.  Still, who could argue with a half dozen solid producing tomato and pepper plants?  Well, you could argue, but you don't count if you do.  :p

You know, I really am getting on target with food storage.  I'm not great at all this yet, but... it is coming along.  Sure, I get sidetracked on the wrong things once in a while.  I am not the best at organizing either.  But really, I actually have a medium term pantry created, if it is still a bit weak.  And I have some serious parts of my long term in play.  The long term good stores will take a bit longer, but that's okay too.  I have the perfect place to store foods, and it does stay cool down there, as good as any old root cellar, without the mess.  I have a lot of space left down there, and more space in another room, or two, sort of.  If I ever do get it relatively set up, I think my mother would love it here.  For most things, since she knows how to use powdered milk, and all manner of such things, she would never have to go to the store, save for a very few items.  But to find a wife who knows these things?  In some ways I think this would be more like my mom's dream, she just never had the notion presented to her correctly.  I think she would cook a lot more if she didn't have to run to the store and keep up on everything. 

Well, that is that for today.  I'm going to play my games until I can't stay up any more.  A bite to eat first though.  Good day.

Out, but barely. Car tags, you see.

.
.
And a good thing too.  Today was THE last day.  I am not sure if there is a fine for being late, but if so, Monday would have seen that applied.  And, just as likely as not, I would have gotten a ticket just getting into town Monday.  There are police, state troopers, and sheriff vehicles everywhere here.  My friend teases that there are two cops for every citizen.  While not quite that thick, you might have trouble traveling without seeing a handful of them.  Few roads, and congested at that, means a run-in is much more likely than not.

I wasn't sure how to do it.  Sleep has been unforgiving, trying to change my schedule has left me exhausted.  I went to be at about 3:00, set the alarm for noon.  I was able to wake but it took me a couple... three... hours to shower, shave, all else, and get out the door.  I had hoped to do a bit of shopping but that just wasn't going to happen.  It was all I had just to get to town and back.  I really am, pretty much, stuck here.  For now.

I had only been using the trimmers to create a very rough outline of mutton chop sideburns.  Today I cleaned out the rough, made them official.  They go all the way to where a broader goatee would be and go down to the bottom of my facial jawline, with my mustache in place.  They WILL get bushy if I don't tame them now and again, just a bit.  I was expecting smirks regarding them, but actually I got a rather pleasant reception.  Oh, while shaving, my sink drain plug mechanism failed.  I thought about just... going with it and worrying about it later, but... no!  Short on time I decided just to see if I could find the problem.  Actually, it was all mechanical, all relatively simple, sort of like a puzzle with a half dozen parts.  Now, between the failure and me removing the pieces to see what I had, I pretty much just had parts.  No problem, really.  In less than five seconds I knew what went where and how.  My only problem was trying to get a screw where it went without being able to see.  Well, and it was a small tight space for my gigantic hands.  Still, all told, it only took a minute or two.  And, now I know how that drain plug mechanism works.  I might open a business... the Naked Plumber!  I really should have put something on after showering but my mind was so fixed on time and getting this working that...  Thankfully not even the girls were around to mock or... take an interest in poppos 'bits'.  Cats, curiosity, and being naked is not always the best of mixes.  

Yep, I am tired.  I want to go to bed.  I just want to crawl back to sleep.  I have a minor headache too, and I am hungry.  I can fix the hungry, take a few aspirin, and grind through until a better bed time.  All worth not having the notion that my registration is out of date, probably to be remembered right when I really need to be somewhere, so not being able to do anything but get a ticket.  That stuff really blocks up my mind-web.  Then I freeze up.  Then it all goes to hell in a hurry.  A few overdue personal 'fix it tickets' can just shut me down.  Same with some outstanding big bills or other such.  A turtle trying to be a hare is what my life often resembles.  A tank at the speed strip?  Whatever.  It is done.

The game proceeds.

.
.
After that zombie play day, where I hadn't slept for a day when I started trying to get that difficult trophy?  Well, it turns out there is a good reason I didn't earn it earlier.  I had found two of the sections where you could save.  I also found stats you needed to have before progressing.  The first stat for the first section, 14 kills, I reached.  The next section suggested you needed to have 48 kills.  I kept going over, and over, and over this section because I could not get that number.  I decided, the next day, that I would give it three tries, then just go on with the game, coming back to this section sometime in the future, eventually, maybe.  I ended up giving it only two tries, then just... went on with the rest of the run.  Since I knew I wouldn't get it I considered just ignoring the targets out of protest.  But... I'm not a protester.  So, I killed everything I could.  Near the end, knowing I couldn't get the prize, I just finished off a few, not even that close to the end of the run, and... *ding*  Trophy!  Stupid stats were simply wrong.  But it had made me practice, practice, practice.  I wonder how long before this I could have gotten the trophy though, since I wouldn't complete the run until I had this bogus stat.  I actually, now, thinking back on it, don't think there are enough mobs to kill to even possibly get that high of a stat number.  Never mind.

I am zipping through the game at quite a clip now.  With most of the puzzles figured out, most techniques for bosses and mini-bosses down, and just a few mini-mini-bosses to puzzle, game life is grand.  While I can't always remember, unless something goes with the words heard or read, a game offers neither words to read or hear.  What is offered for memory is success.  That I can sink my memory teeth into.  Further, when I go back and play games from a year ago, I... still remember quite well.  At some point memory fades a bit, and I have to rethink things at some points, but it comes back rather quickly.  Yes, this sometimes surprises me.

I didn't get to bed until almost 6:00 and I didn't get up until 15:00 again.  Oh well.  The girls have been fed, and petted while they ate.  They got their "morning" pep talk and sweet nothings too.  Sam is out enjoying the last of the 'good life'.  She so loves the summer, and the outside, save in the hottest of times.  She really should be a California or Hawaii cat.  Sassy is good wherever, liking it inside much better 90% of the time.  Of course, this is the only place Sam knows or has ever known, so... I think she is good with it, mostly.  Besides, unless she came up with the money to move and the political power to break the liberal lock on those states... we stay.  *grins*

Good day.

Clarifications.

.
.
I know I left off fairly starkly with that last post.  Yeah, well, okay, everything hurt.

I do my Father's will, I do.  And, sometime in the past, long ago now, that was all of it.  At this point?  I love my life.  I don't simply humbly oblige God and dredge through life.  No, not a bit!  I embrace my life, with it's warts, hurts, burns.  Those things aren't the whole of my life, either.  They aren't even the majority.  My life is even sensuous, pleasing, fun, too.  And I love to work when I can.  I have a fantastic life!

No, that last post was just... when I so plainly see the difference through my senses, when I compare here with there, when I face it, am forced to face it?  Of course I cry.  You will too, when you see.  You cannot imagine the difference.  You are probably not even as disabled as I am, but you can't know how painful life itself is, at least in this disordered versions of things, until you see the other side.

It reminds that when I died that time, when they brought me back, I cried every waking hour for three days.  I was so angry with the doctors that if I had been a sociopath or psychopath I would have done them grievous harm.  Then again, if I was either of those I probably wouldn't have gone where I went.  Further, coming back to the pain of the attempted suicide, hunger, and even simply needing to breath...  It was disorienting and painful in ways words simply fail to be able to express.  Perhaps nail your hand to a plank of wood, rip it off, then put it in burning oil?  Yeah, maybe.  That would get you to the point where we could discuss it apples to crab-apples anyway.

I do abide Father, but I don't do it miserably or as a duty.  And I do believe this pleases Him.  It's a circular thing.  The more you do to please God, the easier life becomes, no matter your circumstances.  If I can enjoy life anyone can.  Yes, you and you and you.  Yes, you can.  Of all the things created, only one matters.  All other things were made so that one thing could simply be...  Life.  The love of a God to make all things for this...  You will see, sooner than you may suspect.  But no matter, time flies.  Be ready, be good, love, and love living. 

By the way, if you think the Catholic Church holds secrets, has hidden wealth, and all sorts of such?  You are right.  The song "Miserere mei, Deus" (Have mercy on me, O God) was a Vatican state secret for centuries.  Some of the other settings may still be held in reserve.  I have to guess She holds many other secrets and wealth as such.  Though, if a state decides to steal Her wealth, they will find they have merely 'rolled' a nun for all they get.  For without faith, even the art, but literature and music too, are... hollow, empty, valueless of coin. 

Some days are just difficult.

.
.
I won't say today is one of those days, only that one of my regular blog reads seems to be spiritually bleeding.  Her remedy is a good one, as they go.  But her remedy also brings things to mind that... cause me great pains.  As I mentioned, having seen past the veil makes living here harder yet than it already has become, which is far worse than normal life for most which is difficult too.  It can be summed up with two pieces of music, one is her salve, one is mine or at least an explanation of my life.  The difference between the two does not even compare life here and there, or expose even more than moderately the way that knowing tears at my heart and mind.  It does hint at the differences, my issues.  But I do Father's will, and stay, and do my best, as is and all.  Patience, faith, and a few other things have grown and now are my keepers.  Keepers aren't always the best painkillers.

The best of plans and intent...

.
.
Going a day without sleep in order to reschedule sleep patterns since I had stayed up too late sounded like a great plan.  At times in my life, that does work.  Not this time.  Beyond getting stuck on stupid trying to get that trophy, it seems that when I stay up, it doesn't always mean I can get to bed earlier.  I didn't end up going down until... 4:00?  I did, finally, get to sleep at that point.  And I did sleep.  But it was not a restful sleep, it was the sleep of the dead.  Waking at 15:00 or so, with a headache as if I had consumed far too much beer last night, but without the accompanying dry mouth, I feel more like I tussled with a rhino and lost.  The headache, at least, is not a migraine.  It is bad, but it is a nice dull pain, slightly to the left of the center of my skill, that makes me think a battle axe split through from front to back, down to a few inches above my spinal column.  I'll down some aspirin shortly.

Hey, but in my life, since the doctors can't really help and nothing I do works every time, I don't mind taking pot shots at things that have worked.  Suffering just goes to the souls in purgatory, if too... I don't mean to... add to what I go through, on purpose.  And I certainly don't mind trying to alleviate the suffering.  I am pretty sure even souls in purgatory don't mind me taking some painkillers when warranted, if memory serves.  They get enough anyway.  *grins*

On to some... actual news. It seems "science" has decided that kids are fatter now because fast-food chains' advertising is imprinting on childrens' minds.  The study ignores huge problems with the notion.  They ignore the fact that the obesity tables were changed about a decade ago, to be much more "inclusive".  They ignore that it is not children, but parents or other care providers who decide what, where, and when children eat. They ignore the fact that, by population, the number of children is greatly reduced from 20 years ago.  Families are having fewer and fewer children, leading to coddling, reducing in home child-to-child play and competition.  A family with six children, as well, is MUCH less likely to eat at McDonalds than a family with one or two children... the price, you see, is untenable. There are at least a half dozen other qualifiers that are simply being ignored, probably in a push to eliminate or regulate advertising.  On the other hand, my first fast-food chains are still in my mind.  I see and I get... hungry... all over again! Or... something like that.  Thank you, Jawa!

As for creepy things companies do?  Okay, this is downright creepy.  There are so many things wrong with this I can't begin to go through it all.  Of course, most people would just be happy to be "found" that they really wouldn't care.  Heck, most people see nothing at all wrong with this.  Well, until it all goes very bad, one way or another.  It makes you wonder when they do this with no prizes, for... other reasons.  My guess is, though, that they didn't do it for the public's sake, they did it because they wanted to try to make sure their people, or the ad agency, didn't rig the thing.  They are trying to not allow the contest to be rigged.  It only has a slim chance of working though.  Cheaters are being created from grade school on now, it's the only way it seems.  I would wish them luck, but luck being what it is and what they are doing as the method make well-wishes in their effort nearly impossible for me.

Life, death.  The strangest of anomalies.  No one really knows how they work, logic doesn't fit, the will to live can help but that isn't always the answer.  Sure, you see stories about people who kept going and going and going in an effort to live.  What you don't see is that most of the people in dire situations die no matter what they do or the stories of people who are completely stuck, do nothing, and still get saved.  A young man anda young woman have survived against... anything logical.  They will both get to have a chance at full, whole, lives... impossibly.  I would say life for them will be very different in that they... have a greater appreciation for life.  In the next case, something that seems impossible to have happened did.  A young man lost his life for no good reason.  Oh, don't blame YouTube, silly human tricks, or glass manufacturers.  It isn't even luck, or the lack of it.  It is... just the way of things.  Pray for his family, and the repose of his soul.  Now, while the death of a 59 year old man is not funny, some circumstances surrounding his death...  A drummer in a disco band, playing somewhere in South America, died while his band was playing.  His fellow band members didn't notice.  What I could say about disco, drummers, and such?  No, no, I will just leave it there.  I have said a prayer for his family and friends too.  Just understand from these things that life and death and health are not in our hands.  We simply don't understand.

And finally, a story of to Russia with love that has an ironic ending.  Ironic?  Something.  I was just discussing GM crops, "organic" foods, and such, the other day.  It seems Russia is the latest to fall for Greenpeace lies.  Now, the thing with Russia is, their leaders no more believe, let alone care, about the notion of genetically modified foods than myself or any other right-minded individual.  What they do care about is maintaining power.  The power that control of food, and limits on that, is immense.  This is not about food safety, this is about control through the stomach.  Greenpeace, after all, is just an bastard offspring of the ideological communist assault on America in the the first place.  And, it's intent is exactly how it is being applied in Russia, using their own American political involvement front group spawn as... political cover.  Yeah, I think that IS ironic... for the Russian people anyway.  Government control of who gets artificially scarcified needed goods is what this is about.

Up all day, but it isn't pretty.

.
.
I am glad I decided to stay up.  The packages from Emergency Essentials arrived as did the strap machine.  The EE package indicated that the total weight of the two boxes was 60 pounds.  It felt like a whole lot more.  Then again I hadn't slept in a day by then.  I have everything stowed, save the strapping device, which now means I can put my AC away, in it's original packaging.  I haven't been using it for several weeks, give or take.  I am hoping it is dry.  I don't know about this air conditioner, but most I have had collect water.  I'll check that in the morning.  If it needs drained, I'll figure that out.  Then again this isn't Iowa.  I did cook some meat earlier in the day, plus supper arrived on time.  It was a good day, foodwise.

I really need to figure out the outdoor faucet before it freezes.  I know it has to be getting close, time wise.  Digging, lots of digging, still to do.  Either that or I just push the dirt back in the hole.  Gah!  So close, so stuck.  We will see.

Don't shoot the messenger?

.
.
Looking through the news I ran across this little nugget.  Oh, I am faithful, but to try and let secularists say things seems to sooth some nerves.  Oh, don't shoot me or Howard.  Me?  Because I'll shoot back and probably better.  Howard?  Because he isn't the problem.  Oh heck, just listen to it.  I laughed myself to tears.  Tears when I realized how much of the population is like that.  I was called a racist, by a so-called conservative, for believing blacks vote Democrat as a bloc so as to get free goodies.  Where has that conservative been hiding.  (It was Republican white activists you see in the civil rights clashes in the 50's and 60's down South.  It was Democrats with the badges and dogs, for example.  It wasn't until Dems saw that Jim Crow laws wouldn't fly that they decided to simply buy the black vote, and they have.) The demographic bomb is what worries me, that can't be fixed.  Well, not quite like an election even if it takes four years. :p

Luck, news, and bedtime.

.
.
Hmm, it seems some people actually do have a good grasp of things.  Luck, like many other superstitions vying to replace religion, often explains why people are the way they are.  But only by people who seem to have nothing.  This fellow dispels that notion quite well.  h/t AoSHQ

Forgetting about fundamentals, over and over again.

.
.
No, nothing fancy.  I didn't forget anything major, merely that doing anything, at times, has a very high cost.  The preparation and trip to the stores yesterday went off without a hitch.  I didn't push things.  A shower earlier, a bit of air drying, then getting dressed, then going to town.  I didn't hit but two stores, and one of the stores was a 'ten minute job', with no serious walking or thinking needed.  The other store stop was rather quick and painless too.  Meat, meat, meat, meat, some more meat, then a few other things.  I doubt if I had 30 things in my cart.  Pricey but not heavy.  When I got home I was able to bring everything into the house in, say, three trips.  Now I can carry an unseemly amount of baggage.  Three gallons of milk and two twelve packs of soda, plus whatever other bags I can carry in some other way, for example.  My problem carrying groceries isn't weight, it is making sure I can get through doors with out mashing things.  I like my fingers and I don't like ripped packages or crushed edibles.  Along with filling doorways by myself, a handful of groceries often requires gymnastic moves, which I pull of quite well I should add.  For a blundering ogre I am rather... athletic in motion.  But I felt good throughout, never sensing I was taxing myself.

So, I go to bed at my usual time (which is now rather early in the morning).  I was up a bit later, I think, due to working myself up shopping.  What I mean is I had been getting to bed slightly earlier as I try to balance days back into focus again.  It takes a long time for me to 'cool down', literally or in this case more figuratively.  Still, I was in bed at a relative recent normal bedtime.  I did wake at 11:00.  The world looked and seemed too much like a Dali or Picasso painting.  I voided, didn't feed the girls because... well... I couldn't.  So, back to bed.  I did not wake until 15:00 or a bit later!  Yikes!  Yeah, I'm running on empty, it isn't just being lazy.  Still, it's good to know.  I often just minimize my life and pretend or think I could do more, safely hiding the reality behind inactivity.

Someone, however, suggested that perhaps, in my condition, I should be more prone to self-defense, at a higher level, than others.  Being that I am in bad shape.  I want to allay that notion.  I am probably a more fit combatant, as is, right now, than almost any human male you will ever meet.  My response times are fast enough that an average fighter will not get a chance to strike me, simply they won't land a blow.  And between blocking I will be absolutely devastating them.  My skills with a gun are well beyond that of an average gun owner, where pistols are concerned.  There are some who take sidearm training and practice the heck out of it who are better, and some who just are 'that good' natively, who would top me.  Other than that, I am quite good.  A fight, perhaps, would mean the next day... or week... I might be down.  But in the instance I would be exceptionally good.  My heart has not impinged on that a bit.  Further, I am 'always on'.  I haven't found the switch to even taper that.  Perhaps the switch is fused at this point?  Oh, and... hypnosis and suggestion therapies... don't work well with that.  I have tried everything I and even professionals know to do.  Of course, that means that I won't be killed by a random sucker-punch from some unknown assailant, either.  Do not think of me as a combat invalid.  That would be... a gross misstatement and a mistake.

Sometimes I forget the fundamentals, sometimes others simply don't understand what mine are.  But the fundamentals cannot be changed, sometimes, they 'just are'.  The paragraph above is related to a topic at Sigs, where a cop shot a double amputee (lost a leg and an arm) man who had used his wheelchair to corner his partner, then started swinging a 'bright shiny'.  The distant partner shot the man, in this case to death.  I assessed that the partner had done the right thing.  And I hold to that.  If you have ever been stabbed, you know.  And if it looks like a knife, your partner is literally not in a position to defend himself, and you are on point, you take the fucking shot.  I was trained in the school of 'if you don't do it you can all die'.  And I stick with that, and I will do it.  I can be sorry later, but in this case I wouldn't be.  Regret the loss of life?  Always, just not particularly given some situations.  But I will make the same choice, and call, every time.  I won't lose my people to indecision.  I know, even when I do everything I can, it is not enough as is.  But I won't quit trying.  If I am gimped to combat, it is due to this, not to having a bad heart.  Further, in my opinion, this is not a bad feature.  It is... what is and should be expected.  It sure beats a placard on a wall, with a picture, gathering dust, to go with a widow and her brood, as a testament to 'civilized notions'.  Bah!

Well, on to my day.  Good day.

The wind is chill tonight.

.
.
It feels like, smells like, rain or some other moisture is moving in.  I think it is still far too warm for snow to stick, probably too warm for it to fall in the valley, but you never know.  A minor gust or two has opened and shut my heavy front door, which I am trying to keep open a crack.  Odd how that... worked.  I will be checking the peaks, if I can see them through any possible clouds tomorrow.  My guess is they are getting hit.  I do love seeing fresh new snow up there.  It is where I want to be, and in it.  Yeah, I know.  I might figure a way to that.  Wise or no matters little.  Those dreams I had in Iowa still haunt me, pull me, to be up there.

Oh, I seem to heal in some places much better than in other places.  My penis has healed completely.  Very odd, it was just a few days ago, and those scratches went clear through the skin.  They weren't surface notches, I saw... whatever goes for flesh under the skin.  And there were three or four severe scrapes, too.  Funny, I can have a scratch take a month to heal on my arm, but not there?  All good.  I take that to mean I am still... viable. 

If I lose more weight, and hit the 250 mark... I will really try to dig into that and begin working out, somehow.  If all I can do is wear weights, then that is what I will do.  That will increase my weight, but if continues to fall with my eating, it might just balance out.  I gain muscle mass exceedingly quickly when I have been able to work out.  But I never looked buff, even when swimming 9 miles a week and benching 2 1/2 times my body weight or more.  I have looked fit, I have never looked epic, to my eyes.  And, while that bothered me a bit at the time, it wouldn't bother me a bit now.  My goals, if I could get to them, are much diminished.  I wouldn't really push to bench more than 400 reliably and easily.  And just swimming 4 to 6 miles a week would be good enough.  But to have a 31 inch waist again?  Yeah, okay, I'd love that.  So long as I still weighed 240 or so.  I once was a tank, perhaps I can at least be an armored personnel carrier?  :P

Later or good night.

Changing my mind?

.
.
Yes, but not without having gathered more information.  With the privatizing of my blog and meals coming in.  After doing a bit of checking, trial and error type, I have found the problem with my blog.  I need to correct some things regarding the modem or type of connection.  Beyond that, I will probably not be able to keep those who know how from accessing the blog.  As for meals, after a good long chat with one of the main participants, uhrm and a large serving of beef ribs, brown rice with kale, carrots, and brussels sprouts...  I have decided to continue with that.  I have learned how to ask questions for answers that aren't eluded to, and finding them in data sets.  I am satisfied. 

Now, that doesn't mean I won't be looking to further supplement my food sources.  Like I suggested, adding MRE's and some other things would both bolster my food stocks and give me something easy to eat a couple of times a week.  Simply, until I know if I can take the job of feeding myself, I ought to at least check out whether I can do it.  I haven't eaten this well for most of my illness.  All but a few years where I lived with a woman who cooked or cooked for a woman who tended the rest, my life has been from one feast to the next, with starvation in between those feasts.  It wasn't healthy, in any way.  Nor was I usually in a position to do much about it.  Now, things are coming together in that direction, but...  We will see.

I got a shower in, dressed, and made it to town.  The tobacco store first, as it was mostly likely to have shorter hours being Sunday.  Then to the grocery store.  I didn't fill the freezer section, but I certainly gave it a decent shot.  Meats!  I also bought the makings for at least one batch of menudo, minus the hominy.  That just slipped my mind.  Oh, and a couple more corned beef brisket packs.  Those feed me for nearly a week!  Milk too, and assorted odds and ends.  It wasn't a perfect shopping experience, but it was as much as I could muster and it does set me up for another week or two of perishables I consider necessary and a few other things that should last me a month, maybe two months.

I did grab a meat at McDonalds on the way home.  While not fine dining, it worked.  I realized dinner would be coming in shortly after my meal.  I thought I would save it for later.  Beef ribs (though she cooks all meats so well that...  gah!  I am spoiled).  Anyway, it was... too good looking to pass up, so I have eaten twice, and hardy, today.  No problems, I haven't been eating much lately so it worked out.  Sure, a revision of my feasting and fasting, but more just a rare occurrence now, so I simply enjoyed. 

Oh, I best get my tags renewed!  Krimeny but that always sneaks up, and often nearly past, me.  There are other things I should do, too.  We will see.  Oh, trash and recycling tonight.  I think I can get to that.  Hmm, later.

I have to get to town.

.
.
Not this instant, but within the day.  While I have found a way to deal with no milk, a way to deal with no typical tobacco, and some other things, I am merely limping along.  A shower, perhaps some work on my mutton chops, and away I will go.  I was looking around for a picture of similar mutton chops.  It seems guys with mutton chops are always pictured as 3/4's crazy.  So, you'll just have to guess.  I did keep the mustache, which attaches to the chops though.  And I'm keeping it fairly well trimmed for now.  I did come across the notion that women hate these.  Women, it is said, will either lose all interest in you or hope to use their whiles to change you.  I realized, while reading that, that I have always wanted several obvious (to women) flaws.  If all else is good, this actually makes the attraction stronger.  Further, while they are working with the simple stuff, they don't try to mess with the more complex stuff.  Look, no matter what, you will surrender some things to your woman.  Going into the thing with... enough... negotiables to start?  hehe...  Just a thought for some of you guys out there.

I don't know how long I will keep the chops myself.  I've been wearing them for a couple of weeks now.  Just like a new hair style though, it actually takes time to train the whiskers (a bit, as you can't train them much).  Actually, I think you just figure out where to trim the lines so that the whiskers fit the image you are trying to relay better.  My whiskers, just like my hair, have a wild streak.  They grow this way here, that way there, and it is a cross patch requiring face-grid mapping.  The multi-directional grows are opposed and extreme, just like my "natural wave".  These are good for survival though, they all combine to mesh hair and beard to keep the cold out, and being naturally resistant to cold anyway...  I would say I am nearly superhuman with regards to cold.  Unfortunately that makes heat one of my kryptonites.  Bleh.

Well, a bit of gaming, then a shower, then a run to town... sometime soon.  I am absolutely out of way too much and so low on what little of the things I use as substitutes or even second fiddle substitutes, that I am choking.  Meh, it's good for me.  If I will fix it asap.  Good day.

When Sam won't go.

.
.
Sam is an outdoor girl.  I've seen her go out with dogs around.  People don't bother her, nor does traffic if she does keep to this side of the road mostly.  When she wants out though, and goes to the door, does a quick sniff, and flees back?  Yeah, I do wonder what is out there.  For all I know it could just be a raccoon or opossum.  But I am thinking it is something else.  Sure, she wouldn't want to tangle with either of those beasts, or a dog.  Those things don't want to tangle with her, either.  In simple terms none of them really will feed the other, predators aren't the best food items.  Further, the risk of injury is too high.  So, when Sam does that, if I hadn't been thinking about it before, I put my shoulder holster on and keep my back to a wall.

Gaming is going well.  Now, while I like puzzles from time to time, when it becomes all puzzle all the time, that can try my nerves.  Near the end of a game day though, I doubt if my skills are at their peak.  I want to push through though, so I will see how to do whatever it is.  I don't like doing that.  Usually I just need a little help on a few spots through hours of play.  I can bang my head on a wall trying to invent a wheel, or I can just get the design online.  Knowing what to do, of course, doesn't always mean you can simply just do it.

Some of the bosses in this game have been pretty steep, and remember, I am playing on the easiest mode.  Other bosses have been moderate.  I won't say any of them have been easy.  None of them have been quick.  Further, every once in a while you meet a standard new monster which absolutely beats you into the ground.  Some of them simply can't really be owned, or even rented.  I have found techniques for some of them, but not close to all of them.

The game is great so far.  There really aren't stupid problems, like... getting snagged while trying to walk through a door... or backing up but somehow not being able to back through the door you are only half through.  I hate games where the simple mechanical world is absolutely wrong.  I haven't found other bugs or flaws either.  No dropping through cracks in the game, or other oddities.  The closest I came to that was dropping to my death, but pausing to look at some things in inventory (by accident mind you), and ending up on the "floor", with no way to die or get out.  I had just saved, so... it was all good.

The story?  Well, better than most games by far, but rather weak.  That says a lot for game story lines.  Maybe it truly is difficult to get a game to fit around a story?  Is it that the nerds who write and the nerds who program are two extremely different to play well together?   Of course, the secular nature of many of the game makers, writers, and programmers doesn't help.  When you exclude even the notion of God you pretty much...  Well, God isn't just the creator.  In some sense the universe is sort of an echo of His thoughts.  A fingerprint of God.  Something.  So when you try to exclude Him, you... aren't really including much.  This game isn't too bad with that though.  It is a newage myth, based on accepted religious notions mixed with apocryphal and simple fiction.  The notion that God might trade souls, or that it is a game, of course, is one of the more common secular notions.  I just think, like when we were kids, and our parents wanted alone time, but we didn't know why?  But they wouldn't tell us either?  Yeah, well, they weren't goofing with us.  The funny look on my parents' faces weren't in jest.  We simply weren't ready to know and they weren't ready to tell us.  Same same with God.  Either we aren't ready for the whole truth or we can't even get it even when we are told. But life simply isn't a game.  It is a contest of will between good and evil which allows us to choose between the two over a relatively reasonable period of time.  God has already won, actually.  I honestly don't understand why others can't see that.

I want to get dressed and get going but I don't think that is going to happen.  I've found just a bit more tobacco.  The form isn't preferred, but... what is it they say about beggars?  At least I am not begging other people, only myself through time.  I won't explain more than to say that if I can walk through walls, I can do this easily too.  It isn't always as tricky as it seems, though sometimes.  I walk through walls on a daily, hourly probably, basis.  That is, after all, what doors and entryways are for.  Right through that wall.  See?

Later.  No, probably not.  Good night.