Forgetting about fundamentals, over and over again.

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No, nothing fancy.  I didn't forget anything major, merely that doing anything, at times, has a very high cost.  The preparation and trip to the stores yesterday went off without a hitch.  I didn't push things.  A shower earlier, a bit of air drying, then getting dressed, then going to town.  I didn't hit but two stores, and one of the stores was a 'ten minute job', with no serious walking or thinking needed.  The other store stop was rather quick and painless too.  Meat, meat, meat, meat, some more meat, then a few other things.  I doubt if I had 30 things in my cart.  Pricey but not heavy.  When I got home I was able to bring everything into the house in, say, three trips.  Now I can carry an unseemly amount of baggage.  Three gallons of milk and two twelve packs of soda, plus whatever other bags I can carry in some other way, for example.  My problem carrying groceries isn't weight, it is making sure I can get through doors with out mashing things.  I like my fingers and I don't like ripped packages or crushed edibles.  Along with filling doorways by myself, a handful of groceries often requires gymnastic moves, which I pull of quite well I should add.  For a blundering ogre I am rather... athletic in motion.  But I felt good throughout, never sensing I was taxing myself.

So, I go to bed at my usual time (which is now rather early in the morning).  I was up a bit later, I think, due to working myself up shopping.  What I mean is I had been getting to bed slightly earlier as I try to balance days back into focus again.  It takes a long time for me to 'cool down', literally or in this case more figuratively.  Still, I was in bed at a relative recent normal bedtime.  I did wake at 11:00.  The world looked and seemed too much like a Dali or Picasso painting.  I voided, didn't feed the girls because... well... I couldn't.  So, back to bed.  I did not wake until 15:00 or a bit later!  Yikes!  Yeah, I'm running on empty, it isn't just being lazy.  Still, it's good to know.  I often just minimize my life and pretend or think I could do more, safely hiding the reality behind inactivity.

Someone, however, suggested that perhaps, in my condition, I should be more prone to self-defense, at a higher level, than others.  Being that I am in bad shape.  I want to allay that notion.  I am probably a more fit combatant, as is, right now, than almost any human male you will ever meet.  My response times are fast enough that an average fighter will not get a chance to strike me, simply they won't land a blow.  And between blocking I will be absolutely devastating them.  My skills with a gun are well beyond that of an average gun owner, where pistols are concerned.  There are some who take sidearm training and practice the heck out of it who are better, and some who just are 'that good' natively, who would top me.  Other than that, I am quite good.  A fight, perhaps, would mean the next day... or week... I might be down.  But in the instance I would be exceptionally good.  My heart has not impinged on that a bit.  Further, I am 'always on'.  I haven't found the switch to even taper that.  Perhaps the switch is fused at this point?  Oh, and... hypnosis and suggestion therapies... don't work well with that.  I have tried everything I and even professionals know to do.  Of course, that means that I won't be killed by a random sucker-punch from some unknown assailant, either.  Do not think of me as a combat invalid.  That would be... a gross misstatement and a mistake.

Sometimes I forget the fundamentals, sometimes others simply don't understand what mine are.  But the fundamentals cannot be changed, sometimes, they 'just are'.  The paragraph above is related to a topic at Sigs, where a cop shot a double amputee (lost a leg and an arm) man who had used his wheelchair to corner his partner, then started swinging a 'bright shiny'.  The distant partner shot the man, in this case to death.  I assessed that the partner had done the right thing.  And I hold to that.  If you have ever been stabbed, you know.  And if it looks like a knife, your partner is literally not in a position to defend himself, and you are on point, you take the fucking shot.  I was trained in the school of 'if you don't do it you can all die'.  And I stick with that, and I will do it.  I can be sorry later, but in this case I wouldn't be.  Regret the loss of life?  Always, just not particularly given some situations.  But I will make the same choice, and call, every time.  I won't lose my people to indecision.  I know, even when I do everything I can, it is not enough as is.  But I won't quit trying.  If I am gimped to combat, it is due to this, not to having a bad heart.  Further, in my opinion, this is not a bad feature.  It is... what is and should be expected.  It sure beats a placard on a wall, with a picture, gathering dust, to go with a widow and her brood, as a testament to 'civilized notions'.  Bah!

Well, on to my day.  Good day.