Made it.

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I was all messed up.  Things weren't right.  But... I got there, in time, if later than my friend had hoped.  I had to have regular soda on the way.  Caffeine, and sugar.  Which... caused it's own problems.  But it got me there, awake enough to speak, if in pretty rough shape.

Glad to have gotten the opportunity, though.  And been able to do it.  The hard part was simply trying to get it all together, and be there.  Even with a bloody nose, and my foot hurt, again.  I was gimping around, trying to get the nose to stop bleeding, getting dressed, while my body was trying to crash.  So I... was late, and needed a stop for soda.

The confession, itself, was... very good.  I didn't dither, stutter, whine, or prattle.  I merely stated a few things, explained how the course diverged, perhaps why as contributing difficulties.  But... brief, pretty plain, without being course or rude.  Some things are difficult to put too simply, but clarity and brevity were sometimes sparring, sometimes allied.  Went... very well.

I have practiced, some if it, for so long, it was easy enough.  Some things no other ear has heard.  I have even dreamed of it.  Odd, but the process, now that I have a good templates, of literal and figurative natures, really went well.  I will use these same templates going forward, if beginning to seek alternative methods... so long as they hold to traditional methods, the magisterium, and right ways of thinking.

Crash, still, but the caffeine is keeping me awake for a short bit.  Will be crashing, hard, shortly.  Would have been down by 9:00, if I had not had something.  So glad this is completed.  Now I can... keep it topped off.  Oh, and a thought?  Doing a daily examination of conscience?  Well, in the neighborhood of it.  Yea, I think I'll work on that.  Taking notes for confession.

Now I can begin participating in all the reindeer games, getting to mass, being there for masses where they want KoC participation, etc.  Well, yes.  That is the idea.  I had really gotten hung up on this.  Was just at getting it tended when covid hit, or whatever that was.

Good evening and goodnight.  I... will sleep easy, tonight.

Such strange... suggestions?

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A few songs popped.  At the... damnedest time.

They almost seem fierce.  Unless you understand?  I understand.

A few more things.

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Bed was made first thing.  So, there was that.  Then, I made sure the towels were dry, with a short run and check.  Being well dry, they were folded and put up.  Sassy, of course, her needs and some wants.  Kefir, then beef, and finally a bit of burger, beans, cheese, and sour cream.  Not sure I am done with that.

A shave was had.  Not a trim, or not just one.  I did use the electric trimmer to know back the light growth, then shaved.  Only two minor nicks, on the upper flat of the chin.  I was a bit nervous, I haven't shaved with a safety razor (hahaha, though, I suppose, compared with a straight razor).  I'll shave again, later.

I'll get kefir turned, if I can.  Hoping to get a nap, though.  Then a shower.  Everything takes time and energy.  Sometimes I run on adrenalin, paranoia, a certain type of fear... duty.  We'll see.

I did set up new sproutlings.  Not sure what I thought was a return of an old batch will actually make it.  I'll just clean that round out and wait for the next run.  The middle batch is hatching, but... just?  Or it doesn't produce as much?  We'll see.  Until you really do these things a lot, the learning curve must be endured.  Even when you get good at things, like kefir for me, there are still variables that can't be fully accounted.  It may not, generally, be rocket science (if... rocket science isn't rocket science, but rocket engineering)... but it is.  Sometimes.

Anyway... on to a few things, and maybe a nap.  A shower?  Gotta have a shower.

Oh... and found, perhaps, a better way to make butter?  Maybe.  I do have a stand mixer.  Not sure I ever used it.  Might have to dig it out and set it up?  And, make a few pounds of butter, and check the economy of that, this next month, or the month after.  Yes... yes I do like playing with my food.

A bit of effort.

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Even when I remember, going in can throw me off.  I haven't been great at confession, since the start.  Nor am I good at going on time, regularly.  If, mostly, it isn't sin these days, but flaws.  Certainly blessed to be away from mortal sins.  I have things thought out, set up, prayers and the initiation memorized, sins considered for presentation, when I get in there that all goes away.

I have learned to write certain things down.  As to sins, I keep those to just cues... in case I should lose the notes.  But the prayers, and such, I...  When I get in there, I can't maintain.  So, do what is wise.

However, being very out of practice, I wanted to examine a few sound reviews of the processes.  I can't read well, on these topics.  Vids are my best bet.  I went looking, and found what was required.  I have viewed the first completely.  Took notes.  Looked up a few things.  Then moved on to the second vid.  I am just starting into it, but will watch the thing in entirety yet tonight.  And... take... down notes.  Or, as mentioned, create cues.

Getting to it.

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This recipe has been plaguing my mind, since first investigated.  Now, it takes a lot of things, especially if making the additives by hand.  Beyond even the ingredients to be made are the products to be purchased.  However, being keto (doing my best)... or really more carnivore now, means... no actual brown or regular sugars.  So, alternatives must be found.

Butter?  Especially now that I know to wash it?  A maybe, as to making my own.  It still may not work as intended.  Still, I will try that.  So, that is an open question currently.  Mascarpone cheese?  I am calling that a probably doable project.  However, the ricotta cheese?  That is, most likely, not possible.  For me.  As much the time of standing and mixing, while cooking, and creating that much buttermilk?  I could but that particular buttermilk, but it is $9 or $10 a quart.  I really can't afford to just buy it.  I may simply have to break down, plug my nose, and buy it from as clean a source as possible, probably the whole foods store.  It'll cost, no matter how I go about it.  Though buying it outright is most likely the most frugal, by a longshot, way to go about it... even if that won't be cheap, just less expensive.

It is quite a laundry list of items.  Though, as mentioned, perhaps the best way to go is the path outlined.  And, yes, I will be using canned pumpkin.  It happens to be organic, if I would have chosen other if I could have found it with as clean of ingredients as the brand I found.  I just don't believe in "organic" foods.  It's a starvation farming method, which will starve too many people.  We just... pulled away, mostly, from mass starvation.  Shouldn't encourage going back to it.  Still, it is what I could find, which otherwise matched as closely my wants and needs as possible... and at a price I could, and would, afford.

So... I am lining up the target.  It won't be until after payday, and maybe later.  But the ingredient list has been formulated, the plan has been made, and things are moving in the right direction.  Why make it?  Well, it would be good to have a recipe I could make for a potluck.  Something slightly special.  And, for one, I miss pumpkin pie.  I loved the crust, at least on fresh out of the oven pies.  But never miss the crust on day after consumption.  So, this would work well for me.  I might even make homemade whipped cream, if I think that would be good with it.  Not the first tasting.  But the day after, if needed.  Or thereafter, if I don't have enough cream left from all.

Which recipes?  Ah, right, this and this.  Learning to make my own is far less expensive, on some things.  Though, if I successfully make butter, I may end up making... a lot of it.  Freezing some, refrigerating some, and keeping about a pound out at room temp, basically always.  So, maybe, in time, ricotta cheese might even be on the menu.  Made on a good day, and in prep for the whole thing.  Though... only continued if it actually makes a difference... a noticeable difference, and is cost effective.  Bleh...  Right, here.

Days and nights are still off.

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I could only make it to 13:00, 1:00 pm for most of you.  I crashed so hard it almost hurt.  And I had to make the bed, hadn't gotten to it yet.  Still, that done, I crawled in for one of the best sleeps I have had in... a while.  Warm, finally.  The last few nights have been bitter cold, but I couldn't do much about it before, during, or after.  Fixed, with the bed reset and bedding set right.

Woke around 20:00.  Would have liked more sleep.  Not sure I could have had it in any case, but this horrible headache wouldn't let me sleep again even if I otherwise could have.  Sassy has been fed, laundry is set to one more drying cycle, and the whites will be put over.  I'm doing well with laundry.  Now to hit dishes and the house a bit.

I heard nothing back from the priest, but have heard he is using a new email address.  Which happens.  Still, there might be another way to get it done.  Plans are made.  I have been given an offer, and am set to manage this.  Ugh.  It's a tricky world, you have to fight for things, especially if you really are nearly dead.  Heaven is worth fighting for, even if I happen to fall short.  There is... an app for that too.  If I'd rather not have to depend on it.  Trust me.

Some painkillers.  I keep talking of taking them, when the skin felt flayed, when the foot hurt, when... other things caused great pain.  But I haven't used them in a month or so.  Today?  Already down.  Some days just... just get to me.  Although rarely do I take them even then.  I guess every third or fourth day, when pain almost brings me to my knees... then I... allow it.  Suffering is good for soul, though, and again, painkillers used too often stop working.  At least these aren't addictive.

Good morning, and evening, day, or whatnot.  A classmate, as an eighth grader, but not familiar until 9th, was the first gent I ever heard use "whatnot", "somesuch", and a few other now familiar favorites.  Became a friend, for my part.  Clay... the undertaker's son.  A good chap.  I... have had a few good friends.  And a few backstabbers.  Who stabbed all they way through.

Still... I thank God for each.  And bless them.  I wouldn't ask God to harm even the betrayers.  They... tend to fix themselves, or end up as Judas.  There are only two ways in life.  Only two.  Like the sexes, there are no middle, ulterior, or exterior ways or forms.  Either you work for God within His will, or you work for Him by being a bad example.  What you do, good or evil, to another, you do also to Christ.  Even to this day.  He isn't a dead Son, or purely risen, to my mind.  Not sure what the church says, but I think our sins still wound.  And, yet, that He hasn't returned?  Means we... haven't neared to slaying the church completely enough for His return.  Though... don't take a breather.  Our church leaders seem to be trying.  And many who share a pew don't even believe.  Just... what... business?  Comfort?  Social?

Be grateful, even if allowed to be martyred, a true martyrdom.  Though, if not being directly martyred, thank God for the opportunity of being persecuted in His name.  I'll tell you, stand up to that, don't back down from your praise of God, and His truth, and the mansion will be yours.  Anything you could gain, even another thousand years of breath, is not worth the price of upholding truth... Truth, really.

I'm no preacher, mind you.  Just a fool who found gold in a field, while digging my grave.  Enough to abandon my grave, even to live in poverty, without a true worldly place, titles, or else which I thought I might obtain.  Rightly?  Wrongly?  In the worldly way, there is no right way.  Be in it, not a party to it.  Amen.

Later.

Awake, early, in some way.

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I didn't get to bed until 23:xx.  I have no idea what xx is, was.  But it wasn't midnight yet.  So, waking at six was... doing good.  Remember, I have been going to bed between now and noon for the last... two weeks?  So, yeah.  Not sure it will stick.  We'll see.

Sleep was cold.  I was cold all night.  I haven't been making the bed, or turning it, since I broke my foot.  I fell out of practice, with the pain an nausea, and never picked it back up.  Today, though, I reset my sleeping roll(s), and will make the bed fresh today.  Hey, it's winter.  Other than the cold from not having blankets sets, there isn't as much... nastiness of sweat and grime.  Especially if I shower much more regularly, or given the cold I do?  :p

Beside tearing the bed down, letting it air out, I sorted the clothes I took upstairs.  Dang it, forgot to bring the towels down.  Which... is okay actually.  I want to go up and make the bed up before going to bed tonight.  Have it all ready.  I'll bring them down then.  I think I brought other things down, so my hands were already full, and I wasn't interested in another trip up the steps.

Ah, right.  I brought compression socks down, and set them to a hand wash in a dishtub.  Gotta wash those things every third or fifth wear, depending on if they are the primary or secondary layer.  Though... a few more wearings isn't terrible.  Then I got whites going, in the washing machine.

Having a bit of kefir as I write.  Will game for a bit.

Sleep was so very cold.  Could not warm up.  Checking outside this morning, I see why.  It is 4 F, and crisp.  Must be dry as a desert bone out there too.  And... snow.  Three to six inches, five?  Depends where, but I think so.  I dressed warmly, today.  Some days I dress less warmly, hoping I'll get a shower.  Then I don't, for a day or two.

And, found out, finally, how to do a bun.  Hair.  Don't worry, I wouldn't wear it outside unless for a moment, if the house caught fire.  Women, in my opinion, shouldn't wear them outdoors either.  Men definitely not.  But, that's just me.  If you have long hair, and are at home, either to keep it out of the way to work, or sleep, or if going to bed with a wet head as I did, then... sure.  It's like pj's.  Not... a public thing.  But... women will be women, and sissies will too.  It's... actually pretty easy.  Almost falling off a log easy.  But you have to have some idea what to do.  Oh, and it adds volume to thin hair, when removed.  At least if put up wet.

Yeah.  I think I'll get to it, in a short bit.  Well, after kefir, web browsing, checking email, sending an email, gaming a bit.  I may take a stab at clearing and cleaning the hallway.  I am keeping up on the bathroom.  And catching up on what fell by the wayside with the broken foot, deep winter, and other obstructions.  Yes, a good day, perhaps.  Not heavy work, but, maybe, a number of small chores, duties, else.  Later.

The last load right on through.

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Two?  No, I think three loads through.  The last one is in the dryer.  But I am going on to bed.  I have whites collected, and in the washing machine, to be soaped and bleach added in the morning.  Or whenever I get to it, remember.  I even got the first two loads, plus some malingering clean clothes from the past on upstairs.  One heavy load.

I only had a piece of beef because I am up so late, having been awake so long.  Brutal, in some ways.  And my legs swell more the longer I am awake.  Ugh.  Perhaps I should take waterpills.  Yea, I may end up filling three to nine liters.  But ow well.

Quite a good day.  I even heard back, and have an email in my attempt to find a confession which will fit my needs.  I'll email tomorrow, see if an arrangement can be made.  What price, diligence, and duty is worth the soul?  I should have had this done, but when you are lost, alone, and dying... in the middle of busy frightened world, even standing or talking being a bit of a trick, it's... difficult to catch an ear.  Too busy, too many things to do, places to go.  And, I... understand.  Still, since I am still hear, I'll get to it.

My least favorite task.  In part because I never feel like I really know what I am doing.  In part, because it is stressful as hell... uhrm, no pun intended.  It's part of why I wouldn't have chosen Catholicism... the Church of Christ really.  It's... a difficult path, for as gentle as they offer some of the sacraments.  

Now, I truly enjoy the Eucharist (communion).  It's not crackers and wine, as some might suggest.  It is, in part, about the transubstantiation.  It is.  But, even more, it is being in union with God during these events.  If you aren't right with God, taking these, even as a Catholic, is a sin... or... as I see it.  Otherwise it is back to the wine and crackers mentality.  Not even the touching of the cloak, hoping for healing.  Do I believe?  How can I not.

Anyway.  I'll hope to get this wrapped up shortly.  Then I can make stronger attempts to join the knights, when at masses with causes, or saying the rosary between masses, or being at meetings, doing things, joining in.  I am not welcome, necessarily.  I... don't need to be.  Not by men.  I am not necessarily there for anyone but God.  Though, it is hoped, if I can get going, be more reliable, perhaps... there might be room for the more right of the men there.  Who knows.  Not my problem, even if it seems so.  Been at this gig, being alone, excluded, for most of my life.  I don't mind.  Just... trying to be useful.

On to bed!  Goodnight.

A... pretty good day.

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It's already 18:38.  That's... going to sting.  But, it might help kick the days back into square.  Right in the sweet spots, to do it though.  Ouch?  We'll see.

Kefir was reset.  It's got a fast turn around, so I have to drink a lot of it.  Some of the old seeds being sprouted were simply crowded out.  But, with the first top layer batch eaten, they have started to sprout.  As well, the new sprouts are beginning, if a bit slower.  All good.

While I didn't do any dishes, I did get them out of the way.  Had to get to pee jugs.  Cleaning, bleaching, drying.  Done.  That's a lot more work than it sounds.  Five full three liter jugs to empty, rinse repeatedly, then to hot water, then bleach and hot water and letting them soak until they cool.  Then, emptying, flushing with a shot of hot water so they dry faster, and... shaking them out and waiting for them to dry.  It's... a bit of work.  But, done.  I hadn't been able to keep up, so the last few days I just dumped and went with dirty empties.  It's all I could do.

Feeding Sassy, and myself.  Clearing her litter box, cleaning my toilet.  And attention when she wanted it.  Or while I was passing by.

Finally, some laundry.  One load clean through, wash to dryer, to out.  The last load is drying now.  Hoping to make it up long enough to finish that last load and take all of it upstairs.  I have another load in, but dry and without soap, to be done tomorrow.  After that load, a white load.  Should work out well.

I had to stop gaming.  The console overheated.  Then it wouldn't turn on.  I thought I might have killed the thing.  Nope, just had to manually push the startup button on the console.  But I don't have the controller connected directly to the console.  Too many problems.  Just tethered to a battery tender.  Can't trust Sony, or whoever makes those anymore.  When an American company won't or can't spy on us... for corporate greed or governmental overreach, there is always a foreign one which will do that.

I finally got it to work, after several cursory attempts.  And, now that it is working, I moved the game just a bit on in the story, then closed up shop because I am wiped.  As well, I found a few more billing numbers, and added those to my phone.  And, paid a few cards.  Just... a bit.  I have to be careful.  Though, I received a refund from amazon, and am expecting another.  If, too, I should have enough money now to get to the end of the month, and put that money on something.  Should be good, if I do have to make up for what I pulled out.  Shouldn't be a problem this coming month?

Oh, and I cleared the way to shower, as well.  It is set up in there for that.  As well, I have a bit of the roast heating.  It should be done when I get out of the shower... allowing me to dry off, as I eat a spot, then go on to bed.  The most successful day in... I can't remember.  Good night, day, and else.

Working on rebuilding my contact list.

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It is taking a while.  Bank, a few friends and family, requests for more through those.  I need to find my utility numbers, and billing numbers.  Some things are on my computer.  Or can be found through it.  I have bills, as well.  Some will probably be lost forever.  But those were numbers which were used for a short time, or never really used.  Just collected through time.

Gaming, here and there.  I turned the heat up, today, for a little extra warmth.  And, that made gaming difficult.  Too hot, the machine said.  Then again, I had been doing a trick, which required a great deal of reloading.  That... might have done it.

I called my bank today, and had to put money into checking.  It just goes that way some months.  I did... spend a bit freely this month.  But, still, it's been ten steps forward, to one step back, or nearly.  No... I think at least that.  I have been doing well.  Still, a step back is... annoying.  I'll be more careful this month.

Snow, again.  I'm not sure how much we got the other day, yesterday?  The day before.  Nor how much we really got today.  No worries, we need it.  Or... so they say.  I don't trust them, at all.  Bureaucrats are compromised, and either American hating, compromised, incompetent, or all of those and then some other things.  The ones who don't hate you certainly don't like you.  No friends in government, and the government is almost always, and decidedly, wrong.

No more food.  But the gizzards with mushrooms, with beats on the side, made a very good meal.  As well, kefir before and after.  Though I may have just a tad more kefir before bedtime, as I attempt to get a final trophy in the first game.  The second game is completed.  The third game has a few things to pick up... three I think.  And the set trophy collection requires only one more.  Getting there.  The most worrying, and difficult, was getting all three games finished, at insanity difficulty, and getting that to register.  Finally, I finished all the games... at any level, though too.  I had to wait, what, fifteen years to finish one and two?  Or at insanity level?  Can't be sure, but I think they were simply broken when they came out, and several years after.

As to playing on the most difficult level?  Some of it was simply not fun.  But it is completed.  Great to be playing on the easy mode, to pick off the last few things.

Oh, and it is past noon!  So, I did make it up.  As to finding a confessor?  I called that place three times now, to no good.  But there may be a workaround.  Not certain, but maybe a more direct contact solution set.  I can hope.  Then I can... go about this thing in a simpler manner.  We'll see.  I do keep trying.  Good to have friends who may be able to help.

Have a good day.

A bit more gaming, coffee, and kefir.

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Well, the kefir is just going down now.  I do enjoy the stuff.  Think of fizzy, slightly thick, yogurty, milk.  Drinkable, but just.  Add a little sweetener, sometimes, to top if off.  Or just enjoy it plain, if that is... an acquired taste.  And, strangely, unlike milk or yogurt, it actually cuts thirst like a fine blade cuts steak.

More snow.  How much?  I can't quite tell.  There are areas with an inch, others with several.  Not sure if the wind pulled some areas down, piled up some areas, or both.  Just can't get a read on it.  As well, it's only 14 F out there.  It looks to have stopped snowing.  I'm not even sure if it snowed before I woke, or since.  But the drive has an inch or three back on it.  Bleh.

In a bit, I'll crisp up the gizzards.  And... perhaps have them with beats?  Or spinach and vinegar?  Something.  I don't have plackets, or many, of much.  But I do have a variety of nifty foods.  For when I don't have fresh, or can't get out.  Getting down on a few things.  Tomato puree, and even whole tomatoes.  Canned isn't perfect, but the do last well.  A few cans a week, to add something to meat otherwise.  It works.

As to sprouts?  I have been eating those just by the pinch, as I go by.  What I have learned about those is?  Don't water them near what they recommend.  The first few days, twice a day is good.  After that, once a day.  Then, the last day or two?  Nothing.  And, if you can, open those up to the air... let the stretch to the ceiling.  Then they won't go bad for days.  Eat a tenth of the round a pinch, as you go by.  And, in a few days, they will be gone.  I never did add this last batch to a salad, but I didn't have a salad.  So... I just made those my salad.  Nice little... green somethings.  As good a snack as one can have, I suppose.  No salt, oil, vinegar, or else.  Just... greens.  Don't taste super, but they are crunchy and... different.

Well... got lost, tinkering with my phone.  Trying to get it shut down, without it being bricked.  It's... tricky.  Having problems.  Hate that I have to allow google anything.  Not sure there is a choice, on this phone.  Not that iphones are better.  Just a different group of grifters, if the same group of snoops.  That is how they got all the idiot congressmen and senators to obey.  They know everything they have said since they got a cellphone.  And control the narrative, so can crush them.  Own dems, so that doesn't matter.  But control repubs... who obviously don't care, as long as someone brushes their rock and roll hair.

Hmm... a bit of gaming, then dinner.  I loved the kefir.  Will enjoy the gizzards twice as much though.  Kefir beats all, but... as a daily.  I couldn't eat much else daily.  But kefir?  It's workhorse.  And keeps everything well digested, helps maintain ketosis somehow, is acidic which is a good thing, and as mentioned is a daily driver, two to three times of consumption a day.

Sleep well.  See you in the morning.  Even if I am hard on you, your feelz, or such, I do love you.  God sort of required it.  I'll kill you, if you go bad, but in as quick and kindly a manner as possible.  And I'll even stay with you while you die.  Say a little prayer for... us... on your way out.  Just how I do.  Later.

Took all night to wake up?

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I have no idea when I went to bed.  I wanted to try to make it to afternoon.  I don't think I made it to dawn.  Can't recall, exactly, however.  Here it is, 20:15, after waking, using the facilities, feeding Sassy, and a few other toils before finally sitting and tryping.

Sleep hurt.  Sitting hurts.  Standing hurts.  Well, it's... not that unusual.  I just can't figure out why.  It's the body, not organs or other.  Too much fluid loss?  I've been fighting that.  Winning sometimes, losing sometimes.  But the body gets worn by having a flood followed by a drought, back to back.  Tissues get flooded, expand, get used to that a bit.  Then it all goes.  I think that is what hurts.

I dreamed that there was some layer, like N32?  Or some such, of the physical body.  Was trying to receive mri scans, on that layer, or some sort of scans.  I wanted to look over the area, see if I could find a solution, or understanding.  It is as if I have been flayed, with a broad leather item, separating fat from muscle.  It stays with the skin, thankfully.  Yes, probably just water buildup and removal, in large quantities, back to back.

A bit of kefir, then some coffee.  I don't have coffee, or tea, very often these days.  You'd think it would do... something... when I do have it.  But kefir covers that so well that caffeine just doesn't do much these days.  Still, I like the taste from time to time.  A few times a week.

Then, in a bit, I'll fry the gizzards I steamed yesterday.  Fried in butter, lightly salted, eaten gladly.  But, back to gaming.  It at least keeps me awake for longer stretches.  And, satisfies some small portion of my need to feel like I am doing something.  And, it fits within my ability to act, which is very little.

I did sleep well, other than the pain, and draining 2.5 liters.  Ugh.  Warm enough, mostly pleasant while asleep.  Difficulty in dreams, but I worked around some of it.  Woke well, when I could finally wake.  All good, mostly.  I don't mind physical pain as much as organs, or headaches.  So... it's... not terrible.

Well, later I suppose.  Maybe.

When?

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Someone cleared my drive?  Well, then again, could have been when I was asleep?  No.  I didn't hear them.  Usually I do.  Oh, but finishing the game, at the highest difficulty... that... I wouldn't have heard.  It isn't just the volume of the headphones, but the intensity of gaming.  Might have heard a few choice words, if they happened by while I play.

I did get the most difficult nearly final trophy, that of insanity level for the third game.  Already have the others.  Very good.  Now I am just going back to clear up a few last trophies.  On easy mode.  I don't care.  May have to play one portion on medium difficulty.  But... I think I can do that.

Beef and corn, then two pieces of chicken as I begin getting ready for bed.  I'll give Sassy the last of her food too.  I had hoped to stay up later, but it's just not possible.  I had hoped to shower, too.  So exhausted.  The games take it out of me, but too, I don't have much physical ability currently.  Or for decades.  Just been getting by.

Had a bloody nose from when I woke until currently.  Not sure what that is about.  It's not even all that dry.  I did some experimenting, in an attempt to cut down on nosebleeds.  What I learned is, don't pick your nose.  Not just with fingers, but even avoid coiling facial tissue, and trying to get things loose.  For me, that just doesn't work.  Second, blow your nose morning and night, and any time it is blocked.  If you can't blow it out, take a shower.  A hot one.  The steam... helps.

And, while that has worked for the most part, I am still prone to nosebleeds.  And, I will get them from time to time.  But this one, lasting many hours now?  Ugh.  I'll pull everything out, clear and clean the area again, and plug it back up if needed.  That is the one time I'll twist facial tissue and put it up the nose.  No other choice.

I checked, just a bit ago.  It was between 20 and 22.  The light wasn't perfect, for checking.  And snow and ice had coated some of the plating.  But, too, I was a bit too tired to focus.  The wind was going though too.  And there was ice, or rain which froze on contact.  Something... in that wind that really could chill to the bone.  I was feeling good, so it didn't get to me.  Refreshing, to my tastes, at the moment.

On to bed.  Sleep well, or... actually, have a great day.  I'll put you in my prayers, think kind thoughts, and hope your life is good.  Now get off my porch!

*wink*

Hmm.

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On the good side, they did cancel the meeting I had hoped to attend.  Not sure they will reset it, but maybe.  So, I didn't technically miss it, if I would have.  So...

Nearly at the end of the game.  And they have made this last part nearly impossibly difficult.  Not sure I can make it through.  Looked for advice, but... there isn't much.  Don't die?  Git gud?  Yeah.  Still, I'll... continue trying, as I can.  But, first, a bite to eat and maybe a show.

I've been watching more documentaries, lately, than movies.  Hollywood is dead, and those trying to fill in the gaps are not only as woke, but not even as good at it.  Old movies are... old.  Even John Wayne, seen through awakened, non-modernist eyes, isn't so good.  Clint's movies are okay, sometimes.  But even he has and does go slightly to the left, one way or another, sometimes.  Not as often as many of them, but some.

Movies, for the most part, are too dated, too woke, or both.  A new movie can be dated simply by living on stereotypes, the actually bad ones (like the black guy always being a good guy, or a really good bad guy, they just... aren't - or the gay guys being womens' best friends... they just aren't, unless there is something in it for them... usually not in a good way - etc).  I guess movies days have gone the way of television.  When they couldn't advertise everything to shit and gone, they tried to advertise, and propagandize, everything in moves.  Worked for a while.  So did big tobacco.  Heck, they even sold radioactive material as health items, at one time.  And x-rayed feet to make sure shoes fit!  Not too bad, for the customer.  But for the store tech, he got killed for a minimum wage job.

The world is changing.  To be honest, if tech died, while it would hurt, life would... improve.  Same with cities.  Not that they should be destroyed, but it does look like chasing out the earners... through excessive taxation, physical and other insecurity, and such?  They are doing it to themselves.  We'll see.

Anyway.  On to a bit of roast and some veggies.  Good evening, or night really.  Maybe good morning?  I'll... keep trying to get my days and nights back around.  Ugh, but that's a bloody mess of a hurtful project at times.  Still, be well.  I'll keep at it.  Later... or goodnight.

Awake.

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Between needing a shower, snow on the drive... if the roads are clear, and the time I woke up, I can't make it to the KoC meeting tonight.  They were iffy, due to possible snow.  It looks like that either hasn't hit, or passed by without leaving much.  Can't tell at the moment.  Enough to slightly clog the drive, by the looks of it.  The roads have been maintained.

Then again, I'm still two thirds asleep.  Don't have time to shower to get in, then drive, and be there in a reasonable time, anyway.  Frustrating.  I probably still should be in bed, but I... though I could make it.  Then, as I got up and running like a rabbit from a hunter, and was half way to my dive to the meeting, reality hit.

Well, at least I have food!  Won't starve, for the week for sure.  I'll fry the gizzards for my first meal.  If hungry after that, I'll hit up some of the roast.  Nice to have three things to choose from.  Maybe more.  Still salad makings in there.  Might have a salad with gizzards.

Oh, yesterday, had a dream of a pair of serial killers.

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The first one was smooth.  He seemed kind, friendly, and would kill you while he was talking nicely... about you, the world, philosophy, religion, whatever would get you close to him.  I was a cop, working his case.  It wasn't just civvies.  He hit cops, right in our own stations.

He would go in, to file a report, and we'd find two or three bodies later in the day.  Didn't, initially, know it was him.  Thought it might have been one of our own, considering sometimes the bodies were found in places only cops could officially go.  

A genius, perhaps.  For more than his ways.  He could cripple or avoid cameras like an acrobat or the finest hacker/technician you could hope to employ or deploy.  It ended up being a number of eye witnesses who only later put it together, from a number of the stations hit that allowed, initially, a face, then name, then capture.

We know how many cops he killed, most of them targets, though some seemingly accessories, witnesses he noted, or such.  Though hard to know if he murdered, sometimes, just for the sake of it.  Even while in prison, he had to be given a special guard detail.  He almost walked out with the normal set a few times.  I was visiting the prison (for other reasons), and was the one to catch that he should be leaving... one of the times.  I am sure I am on his list.

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In another part of the dream, or a new dream I can't be certain, there was another serial killer.  He based himself off the first one.  Not so much a copycat, his methods were simply brutal frontal attacks, he had no charisma or social skills.  However, he could mask his intent.  He considered himself a son of the first, spiritually?  Or somesuch along those lines.

I couldn't work that case.  I had retired, and had a stroke.  I had access to police reports, and such, still.  I had continued to work as an advisor, after retiring.  The stroke hindered that, couldn't communicate.  But getting the reports, usually, helped.  On that last case though, it was torment.

I figured out who it was, but without the ability to talk or write, or communicate well, I couldn't let them know.  It took hundreds of deaths, and a few years, for them to finally catch him.  While I knew within the first few months.  A petty criminal, young kid, when I had been working.  Not sure what turned him, but whatever it was, he turned viciously.

Between the two, I'd say they killed a thousand people plus.  We were finding victims, with the typical mo, from the killers, for years after the time of my last dream.  Couldn't always prove it, but the mo and suspected dates of murder, matched.  That last, knowing but having no way of expressing, was... one of the worst nightmares I have had.

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Bah.  Since I couldn't make it, I'll go on to gaming.  Oh, and kefir first thing.  But I will get a shower this evening, and clean up.  Plus, feeding Sassy, and checking her litter.  There be gold nuggets in them hills!  Well... maybe not gold, exactly.  Diapers, litter boxes, and behind dogs.  Thank God for the toilet, I will say that.  And, if toilet paper isn't ecologically sound, thank God as well that we don't live under a technocracy which would have us just go, in a field or such, and live as we are.

I did wonder, at one time, if tp was a recent invention, how our ancestors lived without it.  Leaves?  I don't think so.  Have you ever tried using leaves?  Better to just go without, in my assessment.  Then, as I started eating more carnivore, as they likely would have for the vast majority, I realized the truth.  If you eat a meat (mostly) based diet?  There is almost no need to wipe, a majority of the time.  Now, I still do, just out of habit, and a terrible fear that I would smell... bad... or... worse.  But, mostly, at this point, especially with kefir, it's not... an issue.  Further, I would guess, if I had to hunt for the animal, then kill it and chase it's dying body down, that would add to it.  No, people, they really didn't need toilet paper.  Processed foods, and large carb loads, are the problem.

I would also guess that is how France could get away with bidets.  As they "modernize" their foods, they are going to regular toilets and toilet paper.  Too bad, really.  I used to mock them for that.  Now?  A lot of things change with age, wisdom, learning.  They lost half of their men, in two wars each, which they lost (of their own accord).  They gained nothing.  Some 1%'ers, and up, stood to make fortunes.  But the people just lost the best of their sons.

Another thing I realized?  They used to kill, the various states, those who stood out or were too small.  They wanted only average people.  As well, in war, they shared the booty (spoils of war) with the men.  It looks like they have simply combined the practices, with some twists.

Currently, they get rid of the best by sending them to wars.  They don't even really try to win them.  As well, they withdrew bounty sharing.  Now, the only people who make money are big businesses, the alphabets through drug and people smuggling, and such.  It's all, and only, for the very rich.  Don't fight for "us", that isn't us.  It's them.

Well, on to kefir and gaming.  Later.

Sounds like rain?

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.

It must be.  I did look out a bit earlier.  Before the pitter-pats of falling rain.  It was 34, and snow and ice were melting.  Rain will definitely accelerate that.  Though, I have heard it may snow today.  A lot.  Who ever can be sure.  I am not sure of the day, but I have been expecting heavy snow for a while.  Just... that sense of things.  Though today, tomorrow, or next week, I just can't say.  Sooner than not, though, I suspect.

Gaming is going well, mostly. It is taking a lot longer to get to the end.  I even considered dumping a few last missions before the end.  They were becoming excessively difficult.  But, no, I went on through.  I try to do everything possible.

I'd love to have something to eat, this morning.  But I'm just not hungry.  I think it is bedtime.  Odd how the mind can be hungry while the belly just... has no interest.  It is sort of funny, in a way.  Or the opposite can occur.  What is worse, is when both are hungry, but illness makes it so that even the thought of eating is out of the question.

Anyway.  It's on to bedtime.  I hope your day is good.  Oh... it was... about 6:23 when I went to bed yesterday.  It's 11:17, so far, today.  I should reset kefir, but I don't think I will.  Too tired.  I'd love to shower, too.  But I just can't.  I'll just be shutting down electronics and going on to bed.  I fed Sassy, and tended her litter box.  I hadn't been keeping up on that for a day or so.  Ugh.  And refreshed her water last night.

I am enjoying having kefir back on the menu.  It truly helps clear out and clean out the interior.  A bm with, pretty much, every meal of even three to four hundred calories.  Easy ones.  And, the stuff keeps me from being too thirsty.  It's strange stuff.

Oh, and it is so good to have food for the week.  Roast, chicken drumsticks, and gizzards to be fried when I wake.  Well, after kefir.  Good morning, day, and goodnight.

Cooking!

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Dinner was delivered, and a gracious dinner indeed.  I won't brag.  But... that was delicious.  I don't deserve friends.  Have them?  It... seems so.

Still, I wanted to get ready for the next week.  A beef chuck and packet of chicken drumsticks were roasted.  A small pack of chicken gizzards were steamed in the oven, and will be fried in butter, probably tomorrow.  Spices, herbs, hot and simply savory.

I took a vary small sample of each dish.  They all passed muster with flying colors, for my needs and wants.  The chicken drumsticks were probably far too hot for you normies.  But, for me?  Just right.  Enough to burn my lips, but beyond, it just tasted good.  Further, everything has already been put up.  Life is good.

Gaming is going well.  Not sure if I am at the two thirds stage, or the end stage.  These games have a way of making you think you are near the end, only to open up another dozen big and small quests.  But, I think I am just a few quests away from finishing.  I... think.  Had my first crash, out of the game.  That makes me worry that the save game has been corrupted, and so won't give me the difficulty trophy.  Or, possibly, even let me finish the game.  I have previous saved games, but this set is notorious for breaking, and often near the end, or the two thirds mark.  We'll see.

I was cooking while playing.  Did well, actually.  The only problem is this stupid game has a way of dragging on.  It's meant to be addictive.  I would guess, if they really looked into these games, they would arrest those who made them, as they are made to be just as addictive as heroin, perhaps more so.  Since I am just waiting to die, for me, it doesn't matter as much.  For a lot of kids?  Not so much.  They probably will have mental issues, and possibly physical issues.

Well, I may try to finish up the game tonight.  See how it works.  Then, try to finish trophies.  I don't do that with all games.  Just some.  First, I have to like (mostly) the game play (if not the propaganda).  Next, it has to be single player, playable offline, and not stupidly difficult for no reason.  Or, impossible.  Some games are impossible for real players, or console players (not enough variation of control inputs, or overlapping inputs, or the limits of aim, fire, or other inputs on a controller pad).  There are probably other limits, but those are the main, upfront reasons.

Yes, I do have another game after this one.  Nothing fancy.  An old game, I play again, from time to time.  Fallout 4, if you really are curious.  I doubt if my remaining readers know of that game.  Or, maybe, any game.  Michael would have, probably, known.  It was akin to his writing.  I liked his writing, but avoided it... and told him so and why.  It was... modernist, feminist inclusive.  Unfortunate.  I realize that is how the world has gone, at this point.  If, too, I realize it is both unGodly and wrong.  As... the worldly way usually is.  I liked him, enough to be straight up with him.  Like it?  Who would.  He was a boomer.  It was his way.  They are believers, in... modernism.  I... am not.

Well... back on to something.  Finishing that game, or getting closer.  Later or goodnight.

Up.

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I think I have been awake for several hours?  Dunno, something like that.

It had snowed yesterday.  I worried about more, had that... look to it out there.  Instead, it warmed up.  If we got more snow, it melted.  And, some of what was out there melted.  it was to 34 when I checked, after waking.  17:30? 18:00?  Sometime in there.  Which means it may have been warmer earlier.  The driveway was pretty much cleared off, front sidewalk too, after being snowed on recently, with more looking to be on the way.

All good.

Though, it looks like more snow may be coming in.  Around here, I have heard forecasts from a few inches to a few feet, depending on which source.  Believe them?  Well, no.  Not on their merits.  I believe because I... already perceived that it was coming.  I expected a heavy load, earlier than it's arrival.  But... weather is like that.  And, I don't think that will be the last one through.  If the heaviest for the rest of the year?  As I suspect things will go.

Mother called a day or two ago, and today.  Didn't want to keep her worried.  So, I called her today.  She didn't pick up, which... is how it often goes.  But, she would know I called, so am alright.  She did call back later.  Her flowers are still very good.  I really think myself or my brother should send flowers at least monthly.  Why?  Women?  Flowers?  It might not be fair, as some women put it.  But, there is something right to it.  Even for one's mom.  I went a bit pricier than usual.  But... more often I will send a simpler bouquet.  Still pricey, but far less than those "national" lines.  Those are for rich people with no local contacts, not wishing to bother.

Back to gaming.  A bit of a slog left.  But, having gone through two games, of equal length and difficulty so far, really only about two thirds to half of the last game?  I still have to go back and do some cleanup.  But, yes, the last I looked I had 100%, 95%, 90%, and 86% of the trophies.  And I have since gotten a few trophies.  Plus, I can get the last ones on easier settings.  Should be quick.  And I will be getting at least one more trophy (assuming it doesn't glitch, which seems common) by finishing on the most difficult setting.

Strange.  As it warms to above freezing, it seems much cooler?  Perhaps, with things melting, and humidity flooding the air, that is part of the problem?  Maybe.  Ugh.  I sleep well in the cold, now.  Just needing one blanket, sometimes from the start, sometimes after warming a bit.

The joint in my big toe is hurting.  I might have stepped wrong, or the stress of gaming, or I bumped it somewhere and didn't know?  More an annoying pain, though definitely a hurtful thing too.  I'll be careful with it.  And, perhaps, wrap it, again.  Those wraps both keep swelling out, and reduce pain.  Or have.

On to... gaming again.  Have a good day.

No idea when I went to bed.

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I can't even remember if it was light or dark.  Was a bit miffed about the phone "update".  And some other minor things.  Just couldn't sleep until well past when I should have slept.  Crashed so hard when I did.  But, this time, in a good way.  I mean, it helped me to sleep well.

Legs and feet are swelling.  The broken foot more than the other, so I am pretty sure it is still... having some problems.  I would guess it is nearly mended.  I just, from time to time, gets messy in there.  I stopped wearing compression socks for a bit.  They are hard on the the feet and legs, and hot to wear.  But, it's time again.  I'll take a few waterpills too.  But, with those, you have to be able to stand and go, or it will cause more trouble than otherwise.  I think?  So, I will only take those if I am sure I will be mobile.  I think I will, today.  Or at least here at first.

Gaming is going well.  Eating through it fairly well.  Not sure the third game was as good as the first or second, of the trilogy.  They cleaned up some of the game mechanics, then stupidified other sections.  Aiming/targeting, was vastly improved.  But, at times, they made it so that if you don't advance your 'toons, enemies continue to spawn.  And, they make advancing, in those areas, pretty much a pure rng (random number generation, or such).  Which, at the highest difficulty, means a few shots can kill, or a heavy weapon and short auto fire burst.  While you are out in the open.  It's... luck.  And I hate luck.

Still, I have improved, and learned enough about the combat tactics and mechanics to usually get through fairly well and quickly.  The first trick?  Don't try to use a squishy as a tank, and learn the limits of tanks.  I'm using a squishy, to get the more difficult (to now, for me) trophies.

I have been doing small amounts of dishes.  And the sprouts are ready to be cleaned in a vinegar mix, then refrigerated.  The first batch.  The other is till growing.  I figure a couple of batches a week, spread out by three days, will give me fresh green growing things to eat through the week.  This first group will go in with a salad tonight, well, part of it.  I figure about a quarter of a batch will go into some meal or other.  And I like eating them as a minor side, with a bit of vinegar, salt, and pepper, while still fresh.  That and into salads works.  I haven't tried adding them to soups and stews, but will.

I have burger crumble, but need to pull out chicken and maybe a roast.  Get those cooked tomorrow, and have enough for a meal or two a day for the week.  Usually only eating one main meal a day, but a few pieces of chicken, or a salad, plus kefir from time to time, now, again.

Well... on to my day.  Have a good one.

Being slowly crushed.

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Under the weight of the game?  With sleep out of control?  Well... and other things.  I feel like a man, in a dive suit, slowly drifting lower.  It is nearing crush depth.  The metal suit is shrinking, collapsing.  There is only just enough air to breath.  Somehow that is being maintained.  Not sure if I will be crushed, or suffocated first.

From time to time, for reasons I can't quite understand, I rise out of that zone.  But I'll be back.  I don't think I can surface.  I am sort of stuck, down here.  No one can pull me up.  It's only a matter of time, if it might be a long time.  Imagine if that was your fate.  It really is mine.

They hard reset my phone.  Lost all of my phone numbers, addresses, and such.  All of them.  I was not given a choice, as to whether to update or not.  So I don't think it was an actual update.  I may get rid of my phone.  If I can't keep them from doing things like that, it isn't my phone,  So, how do I make calls?

First, I need to gather the phone numbers again.  Then, I need to consider how to get another phone.  A landline?  Maybe.  But, keep it unplugged unless I want or need to make a call.  They wanted me to connect with google, and to upload my contacts.  I wasn't going to do that.  Better to lose them than share them with that crooked company.  Frustrating, but it will be dealt with.  At least I hadn't decided to buy a new cellphone, so I won't be out much.  Gotta keep it for a while, and collect numbers again.  Then, it becomes toast.  Or, just get one of those Walmart phones.  Just, keep it off most of the time.  Cheap.  Just to call out.  Left at home.

On to bed.  Or nearly.  Been gaming.

A potential friend texted.  I texted back.  Then the phone went stupid, pretty much factory flashed, and I don't know if he tried to contact me again.  Oh, I did note, it now has a covid thing on it.  A tracker.  If they all have that, I may simply not get another cellphone.  Trust me, you can't trust them, or such programs.  And, if you can't have a cellphone without them?  Best to go without a cellphone.

Later.  No... probably goodnight.  Maybe not immediately, but soon enough.