A new focus.

.
.
I ended up not going to bed early.  My illness, or the immediate one, disappeared, then returned, through the rest of the evening, but in milder forms at each return.  No idea what that was.  Food poisoning doesn't do that, so I am suspecting it really was just a mild bug.  I am highly resistant to those, in spite of all other health issues.  They almost built me bullet-proof... all but.  And that one flaw came due.  The rest remains.  A bit rusted, and all, but some say better, even so, than a normal.

I finally did go to bed, but very late.  I set the last clock right, the alarm clock.  I did add the customary half hour to it, so as to be up early when I use it.  I have tried ten minutes, but that just wasn't enough.  That and my sub conscience knew and figured for it.  But an half hour is more than it can manipulate unless I consciously hand over the calculator for the reals, which I usually can successfully refuse.  I mean, an half an hour lead is what it takes.  An hour would be too much, and I would just... not feel a rush.  It is what works.  Yeah, my own body and mind are like children, and must be... negotiated, tricked, cajoled, etc.  Everyone is like that, to a degree, but not everyone is mostly dead.  It takes a lot more, and even then it's more miss than hit.  Not a science, but science can be employed.  And I do as I may.

In any case, I woke this morning feeling... ready.  I have much to do.  Cleaning, storing, sorting.  I fell far behind again.  Some areas are still more advanced than they ever have been, other areas need work.  So... I...  I will begin working.  Or planning at least.  One thing I found?  That mesh metal shelf I got for the kitchen?  That helps a bundle!  I have another one, that I was going to use to grow plants.  What I am going to do with that is use it as, at least, temporary storage.  I will put it together, then, as I am boxing things to clear areas, I will label those boxes well and put them on one of the shelves.  Pairing first, a bit, as I resolve... then, again, after areas are clean.  Going through the boxes and finding new homes for some of the items I don't need/want/use.  Ugh.  Bit by bit I will retake this place.

I want a plumber in, I want to work on the en suite, I want a new washer, perhaps washer and dryer, I need a new stove... but I want and need the place cleaned up for those things to go forward!  So... I best get to it.  I think I can, I think I am getting there.  Good day.

Something is really off.

.
.
A pretty bad headache, along with nausea.  I'm glad I didn't try to get out tonight.  I don't know if I ate something I shouldn't have or just a bug.  I steamed eggs earlier, they were too old.  I did try them.  Yeah.  Well, and there was something else I ate that was questionable at best.  I actually suspect food rather than bug.  I took several otc pain pills.  I'll head to bed early.  I'll sleep as needed, taking more pain pills if I feel the need.

I did call my mother.  She sounds to be doing well.  She had a small, two people, Thanksgiving, and I think they enjoyed it.  They have big events for most holidays.  Once in a while it's nice to go small.  I found out what she could use for Christmas.  She actually needs things again.  Needs?  Wants?  Since she gets out, and works in public, she has returned to having a more detailed fashion sense.  It worked out better than I could have hoped.  The first part is on the way.  I may see about another set of gifts for another target.

Ah well, I think I am really done for the night.  I have fought through for as long as I could.  I sure hope sleep gets me through this, this is miserable.  Is that a fever, or just... a side effect of nausea?  Bleh.  Still pleased for the many treasures, pleasures, friends, family, and relationship to God.  The rest will work out.  I have enough faith in that that I actually don't need faith for it?  Yeah, yeah I think that's about it.  It makes the suffering... irrelevant.  Good night.

Happy Thanksgiving.

.
.
Oh, well, I have been invited to a dinner.  I just... it doesn't look like I will make it.  Behind, slow, too much to have done to get there, and I'm not moving at a solid pace.  I hope that does not offend, it is not the intent.  There is no intention, other than that I can't quite get myself, and clothing, in sure order, to be there.  Even with several days headstart it simply wasn't possible.  Little things, sure, daily.  But not enough in a day, or even several.  I wanted, as a second, to roast a duck.  I just... didn't have enough going for that either.

Do not fret!  I am still very thankful.  While I may not join in festivities, the offer was there.  And if I may not eat a fowl meal, that option, too, technically, was there.  I will have something to eat, a bit more simple perhaps.  But all good.  I will be many places in spirit.  And I will enjoy my solitude as well.  Yes, it would be good to be out and enjoy company, I have learned that is a treat, a rare one.  Enjoyed when it all works.  Solitude isn't strictly sought, though has become a norm, and not a hated one, not a cage.  It is good.

I had thought to address my kitchen appliances this year, as a Christmas present.  I am still having trouble with my financers, and they may be simply going to steal my home.  I will give them one last chance.  If they refuse, again, to help me get on auto-pay, I will simply begin moving things out in preparation for eviction.  They started out good, then, I think, Zero wanted them to push vets and others into some sort of socialist program.  I didn't want that, and refuse to do more than just pay off my home as agreed.  I'll dump it rather than be forced into taking more money I don't want or need.  Yeah, this monkey in a mansuit is really a piece of shit.  So... that is off the table.  If that gets resolved, I will consider doing this next year.  New stove might have to happen, one way or the other.  But a new fridge, perhaps a dishwasher if I'm not sure where to put it, definitely a new washer and dryer as well.

Instead, this year, I went with a rapier and off dagger.  Oh, yes, fully functional.

Well, you have your hobbies, I have mine.  Oh... the dagger won't really break swords.  It's... just a fantasy name.  It WILL catch and, with a quick twist of the wrist, arrest a blade.  It... is quite handy if one has the inclination, understanding, and dexterity required.  Doing sudoku in 5 seconds means, at my best, I am better than most.  That includes the use of manual weapons.  Though... one thing that is learned in time is that every battle is unique.  Every one can be a failure.  Those with the greatest skill, most serious intent, best equipment, and being wide awake and aware have been slain by the most humble.  Never assume a win.  Never lose your head.

That having been said, and all else being equal... Believe or else, with these weapons I would gladly and easily contest a katana wielding opponent.  Though, with many swords and arming daggers that is possible, these are truly superior to almost any unarmed to lightly armed combat.  I wouldn't attempt to take on a fully armored man with these, mostly.  If pushed, I would use the dagger, my mass and the weight of his armor, momentum, and dexterity to get behind, knock him down, and force a surrender or cause death.  That's why mixed groups were best, each covering for the weakness of the other.  But war, back then, was truly hell... if, usually, only for the combatants... mostly.  Today it is hell all the way around.  I do yearn for the wretched good old days.

Oh... right...  Later.

A changing world.

.
.
The young simply live with change.  They don't always get it, they really don't need to get it.  Not while young.  They can join in when and where they can or stay out if it's not to their tastes or needs.  In a career, they have to, then, stay up on the changes to stay employed.  Some change is cultural, some is social, some mechanical.  All things change.  Sometimes in increments, sometimes by leaps and bounds.  Often the change seems to be for the better, but isn't.  Imagine, for example, if electricity went away.  That isn't a possibility, it is a certainty, at some point in our history.  We think with the length of our lives, not the certainty of history and the natural realities that surround us.

The point I am getting to is, that at some point people stop trying to adjust to changes... or lose the ability to do so, or even to notice the changes.  I wonder if I am there yet, or not.  Oh, I am sure some of the young would think I am not keeping up, with texting or such.  They don't understand that I simply have no need or want of such.  Given my situation, I am fairly well aware of changes.  I am more balking at some, while ignoring others, and still using that which fits how I do things.  Actually, I am probably still advanced on some things.  Not really for trying, more by needs and wants.

Still, I realize times are changing at a greater pace than ever.  If I also see a nexus.  The drive forward has gotten beyond the ken of man and only two things can happen, as to change.  The one possibility is that the driver of change will be automated.  In such a case, no man will be able to keep up.  Change will just happen.  Personally?  As suspicious that I am a form of chaos myself?  I don't think that will happen, or if it is tried, it will fail swiftly and terribly.  Why?  Chaos, which brings change, requires purpose and reason.  An automated chaos would not have... a will, only, perhaps, a way.  Just... trust me.  Or don't.  Doesn't matter, in this case.  The other option, the one I am seeing more likely, is a push to retrograde... to change, but change back.  Oldschool.  That I see even the hipsters looking at.  Many, especially the newer gens, realize they are so far underwater, out of their elements, and dispossessed by it, that they will either become slaves to the system, or break away and become their own lords.  Choices are simple, but harsh.  Such, as maturity dawns, is the realization, and truth, of life.

I think the robber barons, too, are in trouble.  It isn't just Joe the Plumber.  It is the billionaire, the state (of whatever size), the company, the church... all have used and pushed beyond their means and truths and are now facing everything from impossible to maintain structures and services to disenfranchised believers, users, buyers, and sellers.  All alone in their towers, while the hordes gather and rage.  I don't even think us "peasants" need actually revolt.  A collective shrug, then walking away, and these things can simply whither and die.

Yes, I am still aware.  I simply won't become addicted to tech, or use things that are more of a complication and expense and binding tether than any real use.  I have friends who are trying to back up their life on hard drives, or document their research... all for naught.  Some have never even have had children, or protege.  What is the storage... who is to receive the storage?  Can they even keep up with the tech to keep the files current to tech?  Trapped in their own minds, I suggest.  I suppose a harmless hobby, unless it cost them a real life and family.

Dark dreams... I can't see past the emotion.  Is that part of this post?  I don't think so.  This post was just... me figuring out my place in some things this morning.  I am saying that I do understand what is changing, I simply don't choose to be a part of the aspects of it that I wish not to pursue.  Do not think you are ahead of me... if you are going the wrong way.  Do enjoy falling beyond in your race to succeed.  It just means I'll be and remain well ahead of you.  Later.

Oh, a failure.

.
.
It's little things, really, that seem to bother the most.  My house shoes are... dead, and more.  Birkenstock's, mules, woolen, green.  I like them, if I hated them for the longest time, as need converged with availability, these have done well.  But they are beyond tired.  They are almost dangerous to be wearing.  So I went looking.  I tried simple slip-on shoes from Walmart.  I found some that, mostly, fit.  Too hot.  And, after less than a week, they started smelling like a wet wild animal.  Spraying didn't help.  It was the junk material used.

Since that time, I have been searching for simple house shoes, with the intent of, if I find some, more expensive or cheap, of stocking up.  Two pair to alternate wearing regularly, and another two to four pair just to have for the future.  I have looked at slip-ons, mules, and others.  I have looked at higher end, and lower.  What hasn't been too hot has been too small.  I have no idea... where to even look.  I am almost at the point of just going with those steel-toed work shoes, a few pair for just the house.  But those are a bit pricey to store up four.  Two would be pricey.  What happened to the shoe world?  I usually wear a 12/13, as with the shoes described (13's were a bit big, going to 12's this next time).  But with the mules, I ordered up to a 14 1/2 and it was way too small, couldn't get my foot in all the way.  Really?

I may look again at slip on's, with a decently sole... and consider cutting the heel off/out.  Ugh.  Just... a... mule...  Is it really that difficult?  Hmm... I wonder if one could be made?  I doubt if it would even be that difficult, just a lot of fitting, refitting, sculpting... it might take a while, but if made with design and science and formulated a bit, the second, and on, would be much easier.  I just don't have quite that capacity.  *sigh*  It's... in there.  I just can't do it.  Later.

Such dreams.

.
.
In the first one(s) I remember, I was skydiving, without a parachute, or any such.  It wasn't just fifteen feet, it was... thousands of feet.  Sometimes off structures, skeletal beam structures, but what would such be doing that high, what would they have been secured into?  Perhaps they were sent out from mountains.  Still, how to support such?  Well, I did mention "dream", right?  It, or they, were awesome dreams.  Often I landed in water, but no always.  Why was I diving?  Because I could, and wanted to, it seems.

The next dream wasn't so fun.  I was open carrying, into a truck stop to pay my gas bill, I think.  While I was waiting for them to process my card, some yahoo pulled a pistol.  I could tell it was fake, but I let him know that wasn't cool, a good way to get shot.  So he pulled a real pistol, but didn't point it at me.  Then left.  The guy processing my card was messing around, doing something himself bad.  Then I realized I couldn't remember some things.  I asked my partner, he had memory problems too.  Something bad was happening.  I think they were just planning to rob us through the card, we were too big of game and not the right kind, for their usual hunt.

I was a federal marshal, I was able to call in a raid on the place and it ended up being a den of horrors.  You know there are places like that out there.  They aren't always hidden away.  They sometimes operate at the busiest places.  How they keep a lid on it?  I suppose even those making legit money want anything bad suppressed.  Last I heard, Cali "loses" 35k people a year.  That is those who are reported.  How many illegals go missing?  Some dreams, even if I resolve them, I would rather not have.

Today?  I don't know.  I'll... get to a few more, or many more, things.  Later.

A new week.

.

.

There is more hope this week than last, and much more than any week in the last... long time.  I don't even have a time I can easily look back and see where I was doing well.  I think it started with feet problems, then went to potassium deficiency or the sensation that was the problem.  Slowly I have dealt with those things, sort of, if I am still not regular with them...  Then fall hit, and soon winter.  I seem to be leveling out.  My fall seems to be arrested, for the moment.  Now to get up and get going.  I have been doing very small things that way.  A new week, another opportunity.

I put at least half of the ham and beans in a single bowl and put that in the freezer.  I... well... I can eat that lot per time.  This is the first time I diced all of the ham right away.  And, yes, that is worth the time.  But it is time and effort.  Often, for me, cleaning a place to work, then working, is more of the trick than the actual work.  I hate when all I get is slivers of ham, but then chunks that are too big are also not preferred.  I do like fat, just not large pieces of that.  This was about a perfect ham and beans, if you like white beans.  Though, other than a few odd beans, like kidney, most beans pretty much taste very similar.  I would bet, unless the bean is strangely shaped, most could not tell one bean from another in a blind taste test.

It is raining today.  Given how late in November it is, I won't complain.  We didn't get any real snow the other day, it stuck only to the grasses and mountains, leaving roads and the rest open.  And it didn't last the morning, or more than a day... or... something.  Being the sick kid at home, I don't always look out.  It's almost depressing, some days, seeing a whole world, one I want to play in, one I can see but not quite touch.  Some times more so than others.  It was darkest right before things opened up again, as they saying goes about dawn.

I'll keep at things.  I hope to take a shower, set up another batch of dishes, and set a load of laundry to wash.  I may try to attend business as well.  Just one piece, but an important piece.  Be well.

As simple as ham and beans.

.
.
That's all it takes for life to be good.  It's only ever good for a moment at a time, often.  Oh, sometimes you stumble into a lot of it, then trip and break something.  Which, isn't bad.  I really do enjoy the good and bad of life, even without knowing there is and will be better.  We, even as adults, are more like puppies than we are stoic, knowledgeable, wise, and erect adults of faith, truth, and light.  Oh... those things can be there.  It's just... even our best aren't all that good at those things.  The truth of the matters, all of these and more, will either free you are cause you to surrender even yourself to a slavery of hate, want, and even worse.  I play a hard game, but, at the end of the day, even if I don't think of the game as just a game, realize my limitations, have a chuckle, and keep at it.  I cannot win, even though, if I have true faith, I cannot lose!  Which... is part of why I pray to, and adore God.  He planned all this.  With Satan, and us, sabotaging His gig at every step, willfully or simply foolishly, possibly even wisely as we might see things, He and we will still win, with faith.

Oh, right, beans.  Ham really adds something special.  There is a touch of smoke, a bit of fattiness, some salt perhaps, and some other things.  If you learn to eat right, cut out junk foods and the weird stuff they put in their, and the high salt?  Beans actually taste good on their own.  Nothing fancy, but not bad.  My palate, for the most part, has been stripped down.  I can't like some things anymore, things I used to think I loved.  And I love some things I didn't think I liked, at all.

One trick, when cooking beans, is to get the beans just done, or maybe just about done but close enough to finish as the pot cools.  Another trick, for me, is to put the ham in at a time when there will just be about an hour more of simmering.  Some things, like lentils, cook within that time, so ham can go right in.  Most beans take from two to six hours of cooking, even with soaking.  Lentils, and perhaps just a few other delicate beans, go fast.  If you do beans and ham right, it simply can't be beat in it's class.  This time, I didn't just salt.  I added garlic and dehydrated onion.  A very good add.  In an half hour I will dice the ham and have a bowl.  Then plan on portioning it and freezing it, when it cools enough for that.  Yeah.

Later.

Sunday? All day as some like to say.

.
.
I suppose one could get technical and suggest over seven hours of the day have passed.  So it couldn't be all day.  However, as things are going, I know I won't be awake until it is technically Monday, by hour not by functional business day.  So, does it truly matter?  And, if talking about function, doesn't that include conscious ability to use as a day?  Plus, no one likes those who get technical unless there is an application to the set-aside.  Snark, smarm, or just know-it-all'ism just isn't appreciated, and for good reason.  If you ever feel tempted?  Unless very occasionally?  Don't.  Stick to puns.  Those too are perturbing, but allowably so, save to English teachers (especially female ones) and those who save puns as pet peeves.  I often love to pet peeves though.  Huh?

Oh, the girls woke me this morning.  For some reason I slightly overslept.  So Sam let me know it was time to shimmy.  I tried to bribe her were pets, itchies, and scratchies.  She was having none of it.  Why late?  No idea.  I went to bed early enough.  I did finish off the dishes I was doing, but that wasn't enough work to be a problem.  No idea.  I slept well, feel good.  Oh well.  It wasn't much late, just a bit.  I may set my alarm, if that... can sometimes be counterproductive.  When you have a bad heart, if you need sleep I advise you take it.  If it gets too much?  Suffer it.  Pushing through, I just don't think, has ever lead to successes, only misery.

I soaked beans last night.  I drained those and have them on the stove now.  I will be adding a bigger chunk of ham once it hits boil and I turn it back to a simmer.  This time I'll be tearing all the ham down right away, then freezing about half or more of it, separated into those 32 ounce containers.  Pull one or two out a week, a couple meals set up and aside.  I just can't do canned soups anymore.  Home canned, maybe... dunno... but I can't really get to canning, not solo.

A shower, before long, after I wake.  Then more dishes and some laundry, I think.  Good day.