Women.

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This first is fair enough.  It doesn't ever work out, but... we understand.  Going just for love, or money, or any simple or singular cause will always end up pretty much exactly how she ended up.  She tried to be Mystery Babylon, but failed.  It cost her everything, if only in the end.  Still, we get it.

Always fearful.

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Chores.  I can't remember when last I did them.  Real or not, I imagine it has been weeks since I fed and watered the rabbits.  That they will be dead when I get to them.  With sleep being several times a day, my internal day counter gets off.  I doubt, in this recent heat, and the quick uptick in temps, that they would last more than a few days.  But, to me, it seems like it has been a week since I tended them.  I have been afraid, for the last month, about finding them all dead when I go to check on them.

Now, they are getting to an age when they could die at any time.  No longer fertile.  Just living out their time.  So, if I start finding them dead, one or two at a time, it won't be a surprise.  It's only if several are dead, or most, or for sure all.  But, no.  They are doing fine.  They don't even drink all that much.  And eat too.  Their needs are small.  Daily isn't required.  Every other, or even every third day, is enough.  If... I prefer to check on them more often.  It just hasn't been possible lately.

Mosquitos are out!  Wouch.  I got twenty bites in the time it took to feed and water them.  I'll have to find my mosquito repellent.  Wouch!  Ouch!  *scratching and itching*  Then again, this is the first time I have seen mosquitos this year.  And, usually, they would be out in March, possibly April?  May for sure.  Here it is, June 18th, and just getting them?  Crazy, but... okay.

It is down to 66.  Not that that is all that cool, but it sure beats 78 which it was last night at this time.  Insulin, slow and fast, and a fatted coffee.  With days and nights messed, but more doubling... two of each per day, medicines are a bit... wonky.  While it seems I missed Friday, in truth, it seems it is just... the later Saturday that I would have missed, IF I hadn't awaken.  Since I am awake?  I am taking Friday's missed medicine, having taken "Saturday's" medicine earlier.  Okay, so I... wasn't off, just... off.  Garhrhrhrh!  But, yes.  If I can stay awake a few more hours, I can take Friday and Saturday medicine.  I just got confused as to which day was what, starting Thursday?  Well... I... am doing better than I understood.

Not sure what to do.  Can't get going, can't sleep, y.t. is dead, can't focus on shows, the internet, these days, rolls up at about 17:00, on weekdays... completely dying on weekends and more so on long weekends.  Oh well.  I'll... sit, tinker.  If I can make it to midnight, I'll take the last of the medicine and go on to bed.  Later.

Just getting back up.

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Down around 13:30.  I tried to remember the exact time.  That is pretty close.  Up at 19:30.  It was 80 when I went in, and at least closer to my bedroll, it was 80 when I woke.  Slept a bit roughly, but... well enough, mostly.  Not as long of a sleep as would have been preferred, but better than expected.  No choice, whether to sleep or not.  Had to drop.  May end up back in bed before long.

Blood sugar is 165, but I don't think that is fasting.  Average is 128, though drops generally to the mid to lower 120s.  I had eggs and hash before going to bed.  It is difficult to sort out a day when it has gone from cool to warm, to all one temperature, and that being 80, for the last day and an half or so?  Oh, it could be worse.  It will get worse.  Absolutely no doubt.  If it would cool of an evening, even a bit... and if I can acclimate more than has been allowed, life will be better, easier.

Overcast, as it turns to evening.  It is in the mid to low 70s, in the cave, save upstairs.  No, actually there as well, just not right in my sleeping area... which was 80.  Over into the room it was 77.  Outdoors is cooler, cooling, down to 69.  With a mild breeze, from time to time, it is helping... lightly.  

Not sure... how to make things work.  I am having trouble just getting a shower, or food in, several times a week.  Just limping by, barely.  Praying for... a second wind or a final breath.  But... that isn't ours to ask or get or certainly take.  Odd, how some people would do anything for just a bit more time, and some would have given them what we had for the quiet of a final rest.  Not ours to choose.

As I prepare my confession, for suicides, I have been sorting through them.  It still amazes me how powerfully built, resilient, some are.  And, yet, how fragile others are.  Well, and some combinations.  I have a heart that would kill almost any of you.  That alone.  And, I have had incidents, which weren't suicide, which kill most people who go through them.  Some of them while having the bad heart, having nothing to do with my intent.  Then add up my intended malpractices?

I can only remember six extremely serious attempts.  But two of them I have never met another who has survived.  Three of them I have heard of people dying from.  Heard that they usually do.  One of them I haven't heard of anyone doing before, at all, surviving or not.  Though, that one, when they found out, they put me in neuro for forty eight hours, not allowing me to sleep.  Brutal.  Torture.  They took it seriously.  Organic phosphates.  Not... a recommended method, by the way.  None were, but of all of them, only draino was worse.  

Though, of the deaths, and near deaths, all told, that was only fourth.  Two, where there was longer term physical damage, plus hospital trauma, were more difficult.  But, being young, recovery was... almost miraculous.  I healed like a wild animal, or something.  Pushed through.  Wish I could push through the bad heart.  Then again, that... is what I am doing, given the givens.  I'm just not sprinting through, as I would will it.

There may have been others.  I suspect so.  Will have to ask for general forgiveness for the unremembered.  For years I had those tendencies, well, until I stopped taking medication.  It never did decrease that urge, and as mentioned, only probably maintained, possibly increasing, the urge.  It is why they give the "medicine".  Though, too, it makes some homicidal.  Not sure they ever recover from that, if they go that way?  Dunno, wasn't ever my problem.  Though, when I stopped taking it, I did stop being suicidal, pretty much immediately.

I have my confession lined up, I just have to figure out how to get in.  Well, how to get out first, then get in.  Ugh.  At least I got a shower "yesterday".  And, may get another today.  I will try.  Hmm...  On to something.  Or nothing, again.  Bleh.  Later.

81

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Or so.  Still, the winds, breezes, gusts, and clouds are keeping it cooler in the house.  Well, not in this front room.  But in the main.  Probably not upstairs, either.

Blood sugar was 136, last I checked.  I had felt it fall, so had used a few mints.  Nothing heavy, not many.  So, I must have hit that about right.  Sure, I'd like it lower.  But given that I required a boost, that worked out as well as I can do it.  You can't goose the engine without something of a spike.  If... that spike is needed sometimes.

Since then, just water.  I am drinking a lot more.  More coffee, but a lot more plain water.  I only have a perrier every other, or third, day.  A treat, now.  Strangely, that is good enough.  For a long time I really couldn't drink plain, even r.o., water.  Refrigerated or else.  I'm not sure what changed, but I am, and comfortably, drinking r.o. water.  Sometimes refrigerated, sometimes not.  It used to make me so very dry.  Glad to be able to drink plain water.  Must have been with the help of perrier, to get me away from sweetened tea.  Then r.o. water to get me away from perrier and fatted coffees.  

Hmm, no, still drinking probably too many fatted coffees... on the caffeine side of things.  The fats are fine, especially when I'm down to 100 calories of fat per drink, and I only have two or three.  Well, sometimes I have been having powdered cream, and protein powder, sometimes additively (if I cut liquid cream when I add powdered... usually).  So, about... 200 to 250 calories per coffee?  Yeah.  Oh, I should start icing it!  Well, I need ice.  And the season for that just started.

Well, on... to something.  I am hungry.  Not sure I really have anything to eat.  Hmm... bleh.  Another fatted coffee?  I suppose.  Technically, or literally to one degree, it is a new day.  Later.

74

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By around 08:00, or so, it finally... got down to 74.  *sigh*  Overcast, in the middling range.  Not everywhere.  The sun is out, or mostly.  So either the clouds are less prevalent to the west, or sheer enough to not really block it.  The house is staying cooler.  The breeze, wind, gusts, were helping.  If it looks like those have died down.

I decided to get a shower in.  Which, finally, I did.  As well, a meal.  Again, nothing fancy, at all.  A few cans of various veggies, butter, and a fatted coffee.  I've become an involuntary vegetarian, if butter and cream are allowed, of late.  Mushrooms?  I suppose it depends on which type of vegetarian one is.  Butter and cream would be way out, for vegans, right?  Whatever.  Not my problem, save as a local problem.

I have been keeping up on fluid, besides.  Actually having a difficult time keeping the jugs filled.  Two in the fridge, for cold straight clean drinking.  And two on the counter, for filling the water heater for coffee, or even topping off and cooling a bit after brewing the coffee or breakfast.  It isn't difficult, but... it is.  Anyway, I am back caught up today, plus with a carafe in the machine, full, and the refill tank full.  So, really, I am ready for six half gallon jugs worth, or mostly.  One would have to brew, but that only takes about ten minutes.

It is 81 up in this front room, and that is with the windows and doors offering what breeze there is.  I'll need ac.  May set those up shortly.  I won't run them until I go on to bed, or a bit before.  Then, just run the timered one for, say, six hours?  As it shuts off, and the places warms, I'll wake.  Well, it's the plan.

I missed Thursday pill medicine.  Now, I took it, but took it Friday, not Thursday.  So it looks like I missed Friday but didn't.  I'm into Saturday.  I've been missing medicine, pill type, off and on this week... probably three doses missed.  Bleh.  I've been doing well with insulin, so there is that.

Well... I'll do what I can, as is possible.  It's not meaning much, lately.  But... it's... really what I can do.  Later.

Ah. That's the problem.

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I opened the front door, just a bit.  I heard the wind.  Sometimes a shallow breath, sometimes a heavy gust, of the earth.  I stuck my head out, to breath in the cool.  There... was no cool.  I thought, perhaps, I had just overheated, so couldn't sense the cool.  Only one way to find out.  I went around the back, where the thermometer is.  Crazy, but even with the gusts, and regular wind, it is 78 out there!  Ugh.  That at 01:30.  Not good.

That is just too warm, especially for night.  I may have to kick the ac's on for a bit.  That is just too warm.  And I need some cooling.

Having coffee, but may have to have something else, shortly.  Something to eat.  I am hungry, just not motivated.  Perhaps there is something simple, quick, easy?  I'll check.  Hmm, sardines.  They aren't the most pleasant smelling things, but once you get a taste for them, they... will do.  I have generally been getting them in extra virgin olive oil, or lemon.  Though, if I see the brands I trust, I may see about finding them in their own juices.  Those seem difficult to find, though.  And, I'm not sure I can handle them?  Then again, kippers... I think... are cooked in their own fats, within the can?  I think so.  And they aren't bad at all.

On to something to eat, then a shower, and some work?  Later.

Awake, with a better headache.

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Too warm, too quickly.  It is 81 upstairs, or was.  I had the door shut, so that might have been part of it.  The downstairs, mostly, is in the low 70s... 72 mostly.  While the front room held onto heat and was 77, probably warmer now.  I need to shower, get in fresh pj's, and open the front door a bit.  The headache, I think, is from the warmth.

Now, the warmth isn't bad.  But... going from the 60s to the 70s I could handle, but then shifting, in three days, from the 60s to the 80s was a step too far, too fast.  If it stays there I will be able to acclimate to it, in a week or two.  Which, to be absolutely honest, is nearly miraculous.  Two years ago, and even the higher 70s was killing me.  Three years ago?  But, from then on back to when I first became ill.  Lost all heat tolerance.  It has returned, better than I remember it even when younger... in highschool.  Even when I was merely 6'4" (almost) and 140, 180.

The cold is, or was, mine.  Still, to a degree, is.  Dressed minimally, I can handle the cold.  Dressed less, I can handle it, I just can't do much.  But that heat has been my bane since youth.  I could, and did, fight through it.  North West Iowa, I don't need to say more, if you have lived there.  Especially having been raised there before there were such things as home air conditioners.  And, more, when we would work in the fields, for school clothes money.

Anyway... just a bit hot, a bit quickly, tonight.  Which is why I am awake.  Just a bit too warm and stuffy, in too short of an order.  Yes, a shower, tending waterers, chores, a bit more open around the house, maybe a fan from the basement up and going.  But, first, a coffee.  Maybe that, and some painpills, will help with the headache.  Hmm, I'll put something decent on, so as to open the front door a crack, though, too.

Do you know what it is, to see her dreams?  I do.  I... didn't mean to be rude, by the way.  I forget a few of those lost loves still wander the world, and some still look in, from time to time.  They know of that which I write.  Yet they burn for getting too close to fire.  No matter how loving, actually the worse for the truth of it.  As I just wrote, I... was just writing what I was seeing.  I didn't mean to... cause pain.  Mostly.

Blood sugar was reasonable, at 154.  That isn't fasting.  I had a bit before bed, some meat sticks and a final fatted coffee.  And that was just five hours before waking.  Still, not bad, all around.  Still trying to get fasting numbers down.  Might push slow acting insulin up a notch or two.  If I could get fasting blood sugar more under control, I often end up needing less fast acting.  But, there is always some problem.  Either I eat poorly, one meal or three or for a week, or the numbers just go off the rails for no good reason.  It is, at this point, what it is.  Well, maybe I will give the current dose a bit more time.  And, this read isn't an actual fasting read.  Though if it would have been higher or lower is another question altogether.  Later.

Better?

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No, not... improved.  That it just hit 18:18?  Then again, it is 80 up in this front room.  81.5... actually... exactly.  Perhaps I just couldn't slip, couldn't shut down.  Not sure.

Blood sugar has been staying below 110 for the last few reads.  After the drop, and candy, I did take a bit more fast acting insulin.  Gee, since it is actually evening, I will take the slow acting insulin before bedtime.  Which... means... now, pretty much.

The wind is doing quite a thing out there.  Or, from time to time.  And it is still a good deal overcast out there.  Not sure what all it has been doing, though it seems to have been a darker day.  I... just... haven't been active enough to check, nor available enough to the world to remember when I did look.

Strangely, the rest of the house is 72?  Just this front room is so warm.  Sleep should be pleasant.  Goodnight.

Oh really?

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I... just... noticed.  There... was a draw to see.  So... I looked.

I have to tell you...  Well, no I don't.  I'll show you.

Deja Vu

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Better or worse?  Stacked, or serial, not parallel?  Right.

A more reasonable night?

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I has been 48 since about midnight?  Give or take.  At least by four?  Definitely by then.  It had been around 58 at 22:30 or so?  I just can't remember.  Exactly.  I have checked several times.  It was 58 for the early part of the night, dropping ten degrees, then holding.  It may be warming, oddly, as it really looks  to be 49 now.  Unusual for it to warm this early, but... temps aren't always for nominal local reasons.  Perhaps warmer weather is coming through?  I just don't know.

Still, at 48, it's... warmer?  Such a strange thing to write in the middle of June.  And, yet, there it is.  I suppose I knew.  Saw it coming.  But, still...

Blood sugar dropped down to 56.  It... really shouldn't have.  I have been eating regularly.  And, if not heavily, well within reason.  I had taken a fast acting dose, but two meals and a snack before measuring that last time.  I did a read, between, and that was 103.  I started to feel a bit tight, couldn't believe it would be blood sugar, so tested... less than an hour after a fatted coffee, meal, and snack right before!  Ugh.  I have had a few candies.  It's the only thing I have that can handle that low of a reading in any kind of reasonable time.

Still, while feeling a bit tight, I didn't feel terrible.  I'll have another coffee and that will be that.  After coffee, a shower.  Then on to some of the work I hoped to to.  I hope.  I have the windows open, and opened the front door a crack through the morning.  Pleasant.  Just closed the door now, as it is cooling.

Have you ever dreamed of fighting demons?  Just curious.  Daydreamed?  They can't, it seems, be killed.  But they can have their forms removed, or their spirits repatriated to where they belong.  Well, not saying I can do that, or even that for sure.  Merely implying the way things worked in the dreams.  A priest, if he is honest and wishes it, can do so spiritually.  But they don't deal with demons in flesh very well at all.  Makes me wonder... some things...

Well... on to something or other.  Coffee, was it?  Right.  Then a shower and such.

Awake for a while.

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Not moving quickly.  Not at all, really.  Blood sugar was 179 fasting, in spite of eating so little yesterday.  And, generally, for the last week.  It doesn't make sense.  Still, I'll keep at it.  I think I have missed medicine.  So will get back on it.  Missing a dose a day for the last two days?  Something like that.

It is from 72 to 70 in the house, here and there.  Outside it is 58.  So I opened up most of the house again.  Funny when just in the 70s makes it feel stuffy?  Yea, but true.  Hopefully the place cools just a bit.  Too, fresh air is good.  It seems, perhaps, as if it might be hitting the 80s and probably 90s soon, if not already?  I can't be sure what the temp got to today.  Though I don't think it would have been much over the 80s, and then only if it was partly cloudy?  If it had gotten to 90, the upstairs would have been a lot warmer.  Almost certain of it.  Though... things are strange of late.  Just going by typical expectations from the past.

I think the warmth is good.  It might allow me to wake a bit more, better, fuller.  I'm not quite there, but headed that way.  I am going to make an attempt to do things tonight.  No, I haven't been stuck gaming.  I haven't been able to play games.  Can't... focus.  I haven't been able to even watch movies.  Even y.t. has pretty much died.  I just click, on nothing, and... that is that.  

The Statler Brothers used to sing a song... part of the chorus... "Counting flowers on the wall, that don't bother me at all; Playing solitaire 'til dawn, with a deck of fifty one..."  For him, it was a woman.  For me?  Just the way things are.  He is heartbroken, I merely have a broken heart.  Two... very different things.  Still, looks like it ends in nearly the same place, at times.  Still, I'm struggling to find my way out.  I don't think the tunes' main was.

I did receive the package, on order.  Can't tell if the fluid is any good, but should work.  However, the packages of o-rings was much better than I had hoped.  Can't tell how many are there, and numbers given often mean nothing.  Same with sizes.  Between the language barrier, is the reality barrier.  What is represented is very rarely what is offered.  In this case, as well as I can tell, I think I got more than promised, and not of inferior quality.  It isn't gold plated, but that wouldn't have been an upgrade.  There are enough, and in enough sizes, and in both SAE and metric, to please probably even an engine mechanic, or even a general mechanic or mechanical general type.  Oh, and the smell.  If you have ever been a machinist type... you... learn to love that smell.  It's the physical engineers version of the new car smell.  Not just one smell, but fresh o-rings, some gaskets, clean grease, right oil... almost want to bath in it, after ripping through old, dirty, stinky, nasty.  Something wonderful about fresh and new mechanical smells.  Like... Christmas, or napalm in the morning, or... her after a roll in the hay.  Yum.

Still, that is in.  I'll hope to get to that before long.  I'll have to figure out which is the fill and which is the bleed buttons or boltholes, how to get in.  But... it... shouldn't be a major undertaking or effort.  Just... to get to it.

A shower, after I get some coffee... and maybe breakfast.  Trash out, after.  Dishes started.  Laundry given a go.  Litter boxes cleared.  Fresh water for Sassy, and waterers reset.  Ugh.  I will try.  And, if I can get that going, maybe the jack tomorrow, and putting up the hammock and tarp?  Maybe.  I'll... do what I can.  In... a bit.  Coffee first.  Later.

Mom got out of jail!

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Covid jail.  They had her, and the others with covid, in isolation.  I caught her just as she was getting to her room.  She got a lot of hugs on her return.  Quite good news.  She is pleased as punch.  Her lunch arrived, so it was time to go.

They have been having nights in the 50s and  60s, days in the 90s.  Pretty much what we usually have.  And we discussed the flooding, at Yellowstone.  She had heard of it.  Keeps up.  Reminded me, to a degree, of the flooding near Estes Park, in Colorado.  We were in that canyon, the day before.  Couldn't find a place to stay, though, they were all booked up.

I think the place we had been hoping to stay was gone.  Or... that's how the story goes.  Sometimes mom gets it right, sometimes... she stretches... sometimes I do.  But... that is as best as I remember it.  And, actually, I really do think the place I remember did look like the pics of a place that was destroyed.  Some days bad luck is very good luck?  Then again, dying young, healthy, innocent... has... it's place?

Blood sugar is back down a bit, to 117.  I should be finished with food for the day.  A bit of water would be good.  It is up to 68 outside and inside, so quite nice, really.  Just about bedtime.  Waiting for the delivery of the parts and fluid to work on the lift-jack.  I won't do that today, but... I would like to get the package in.

It might be tough, difficult, sleepy, weary, tiring.  I am behind, lame, discombobulated, and such.  Still, as with my mom, and many of you, and others, in whatever state we find ourselves, I... am glad for the opportunity.  I'll keep trying, keep at it, or enjoy the rest until I can get to it.  I don't have to be happy about any of it, but, to be honest, I... am.

That which breaks my balls, makes me stronger... or weakens or humbles me as necessary.  Successes are some of the little I have to offer God.  They are His, anyway.  I'm not surrendering that which is mine.  If I am too sleepy, and must rest?  Who doesn't enjoy rest, when needed?  I... might not be able to win, not here, in this world.  But I don't have to lose.  Fact?  I can't lose, if the hope offered me, faith entrusted to me, and charity living in me are simply allowed, tended as possible.  I might not get lucky enough to be a martyr, but in some small ways, we all are every day.  This world tries to take it away, everything, constantly.  Odd that.  I think the death by a thousand thousand cuts is worse than some of the quicker ways, seen in the correct light.  But, it's all good.  Amen.

Just to 37.

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Outside.  It may have dipped to 36 earlier, I can't... I checked... I just can't remember.  Amazingly cool out there.

A few hours after breakfast, blood sugar was up to 143.  Not sure why.  Still, another fatted coffee, a bit more insulin, and probably on to bed before too long.

I keep looking for something, something I can't seem to find, online.  Mostly just not sleeping while wanting to sleep.  If, too, not being able to sleep.  Insomnia, of a more minor sort.  It could be worse.  It... could be better.  It is, for now, what it is.

I keep watching things in what passes for news.  Biden complaining to bigoil about them not altering reality and just printing oil.  He made the rules.  They told him they can't do what he doesn't allow them to do.  They gave him a list of things to do, if he actually wants things to change.  Though, warned him, no matter what?  They can't just print oil.  It would, even if he does, or undoes, what would be necessary?  It won't be cheaper gasoline tomorrow.  Much easier to shut off supplies, close pipeline construction, and end and deny leases than it is to turn everything back on, get things pumping, and even creating production capacity where needed.  Years.  Decades at this point.  Not happy about it, myself, but I knew this.  Then again, so did he.  He is just trying to hide his malfeasance behind reality.  Meh.  Still, it was funny.  I wasn't sure what they were going to do, when he demanded they begin printing oil.  They... did the smart thing, the honest thing.

Lots of other news, in similar veins.  Though, to be honest, the 75 rate jump?  I laughed.  For what they suggest they want, that... won't even get the attention of the conductors to start changing anything.  If they had, really, hit 150, or 300?  Okay, that... would be a beginning.  This?  This will just, if anything, cause bad actors to puncture more tires, to try to force the feed back into more qe, while lowering those points.  They... are going to, otherwise, completely ignore the fed.  Whatevs.  But, yes, I had to laugh.  To be honest, I don't think the fed CAN do what is necessary.  So?  So we will chug along until the wheels fall off, the engine explodes, or whatever.  We will all end up in the ditch, scalded by the steam, with no way to do anything, but begin looking for food around us.  Meh.

Still not sure what is happening in the Ukraine, if it looks like Russia is, mostly, winning.  That they should have been done a month ago, or two?  Not so good.  Whatever.  I keep waiting for long range weapons, sent by the US and other NATO, to be used across the border, and to have a tactical nuclear response.  And, yes, he said it, he meant it.  And, fair enough.  But, I doubt if it will be the Ukraine, or JUST the Ukraine, to be hit.

Some suggest, as with chess, that Russia is great at some things.  The truth is, chess isn't enough for war, or isn't even a good analog for war thinking.  As a former KGB lead, he isn't into subtlety either.  He was put in power for specific reasons, and not by Russians.  Certainly not initially.  That he has become his own man?  Or has he?  Don't believe anything you see, or they say.  Still, it is what it is, where it is.

There is some hope he will finish, wind up, and thing will be sorted.  I think, at this point, it is the US, NATO, and the EU who have become the sticking point.  I hate to see the Ukraine ripped off, but that was the game being played by the West.  Neocons and Democrats wanted a war.  Did they think they would win?  Whatever.  They have lost, it's just a matter of how badly, how much, and how quickly.  Remember those quarter slot machines?  You were sure you could get the whole pot, or even just more than you put in, but it never worked?  There you go.  They lost everything.  Though, with Biden, and everything he does and touches?  I think that is the point.  He is a destroyer.  A little one, but... definitely a destroyer.  Who knows though.  He might be lucky, and get a few nations in Europe nuked.  He... wouldn't do a thing about it, either.  More ice cream?  No fear of brain freezes, so why not.

Yea.  I... keep watching.  And chuckling.  This isn't going well, here, there, anywhere.  At least we aren't quite as bad as Afghanistan.  How many Americans are still stuck there?  Though... how many of those were even real Americans?  Have you noticed, no one is asking any questions about anything to do with that?  None.  The Biden effect.  Later.

No idea.

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I know things I want to do.  I know how to do them.  I just... haven't figured out how to start doing them.  Or, well, I have.  It just doesn't work out.  To do something, you start doing it.  To complete that task, you keep doing it until it is done.  As is, I can start something.  I simply don't know how to not forget what I am, or was, doing.  Then find myself sitting in front of the computer, looking for things, or nothing.

I did check blood sugar.  It is 124 or was five minutes ago?  Seems like an hour ago, or hours, but the time stamp on the device and the clock, and comparing the current time on the device with the clock... shows five minutes.  Anyway, so, 124 after a meal and a small dose of insulin.  I was careful with the dose, so I didn't expect it to be that low.  I thought it would be closer to 150.  No complaint, just a bit of a surprise.  It means I can, in a bit, have something to eat without worry.  Mostly.

I did have a chia and hemp heart cereal.  That and a fatted coffee, plus four turkey meat sticks.  They are only 70 calories per.  And with what else I eat, or don't, I just don't mind a couple of handfuls of those a day.  Some days all I have is, say, eight of those and two fatted coffees.  Though, some days, I just have the coffees, or a chicken or beef bullion, fatted, and with protein powder at times.  Though, sometimes, that hasn't been enough.  So, a can of beans and mushrooms, or several cans of veggies, or meat.  I'll need to thaw some, again.

I keep trying to get going and I keep failing.  So tired.  Sleepy, even, now.  I may have another fatted drink, take a shower, and get on to bed again?  It is 70 in the front room, if cooler elsewhere.  It is 67 everywhere else... so not bad.  Oh, and 38 outside, for now.  It may cool more, again.  Another freeze?  Maybe.  Crazy.

Actually, I am setting up a pot of veggies again.  This time with mushroom soup, low carb type.  They are, finally, making keto food that is edible and functions as it is supposed to.  Just because it has "keto" written on it means nothing.  Often less than nothing.  Actually, I look for foods which just have what I need.  Avoiding the selling points.  Companies are pretty much criminally negligent in advertising.  I wonder how much of what they are doing is specifically known to be unhealthy.  I mean, they put stuff in they know, chemically, will cause health issues and death, on purpose.  Proving that would be difficult, if mostly because the courts are bought and sold at this point.  Then again, so is medical... from doctors to researchers.

Should be tasty.  Everything I am putting in has been looked over and passed muster, as far as I can tell.  If, still, I try to keep eating out of cans as rare as possible.  From carbs to fats, adding where needed, to checking blood sugar after the meal, and a few other things.  It's as good as I can do, especially on days like today, when doing even that is pushing it.

Thursday?  Well, just turned.  Though it is already 03:20, so I guess not as fresh as first thought.  I have been losing track of days lately, hours, everything.  I'm doing my best, checking the clock and calendar.  It just isn't sticking.  As much of a curse such a thing is, there is a blessing to it as well.  It is nice to not have to shove through, get to this, go there, do that, over and over and over and seemingly without cause or purpose, save to make enough money to put gas in the tank, buy clothes to be presentable (enough) wherever you present, and eat, sometimes even buying something neat, or going somewhere different, but being so tired that it's all a blur.

I remember those days.  Submarine life was the worst, but I remember much of it.  It was only after that, when things fell apart, that I started losing memory.  If that was so bad that I lost memory of some of what came before.  I did enjoy submarine duty.  When I was healthy, I... did well.  I was constantly learning, fixing, doing, going, teaching, testing out.  I was even learning things I wasn't... supposed to learn.  Being investigated for more.  The world had opened up.

I still do that, some of it, what is open and possible.  But so little of it is physical, hands on.  I... I need more of that.  I will see about it.  But it might just not be possible.  Too close to death.  Later.

Twenty two hundred.

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.

Exactly, when I woke.  I roused several times, earlier, but really wanted to sleep longer.  My actual goal was 22:00.  So, when I stirred, again, and saw the clock, I was pleasingly impressed.  With myself?  To some small and strange degree, yes.  And, it was just 11 seconds after, so... I could literally be up before it was 22:01.  So, I got up, right then.

A minor headache.  Hopefully it will pass before long.  All else seems fine.  Save, as usual, the exhaustion which haunts every single step I take, thing I do, and intention.

It was 67 near me, the bedside, floor height, alarm with a thermometer read that.  The other one, near the middle to far side of the room, at waist height, read 64.  Downstairs everything is reading 67.  Windows are open upstairs, not downstairs, and the door was shut.  Outside it is 48.  Wow.

Without eating for four hours, if blood sugar was going up toward the end anyway... if I took 12 cc's of fast acting insulin, though without food or drink (maybe that is the problem?), blood sugar is 176 fasting.  That is stupid.  But... it is what it is.  The weekly average is 124.  That is sort of stuck in the 120s, and has been since it fell into the 120s about a week ago.  From 123 to 127, and everywhere between, it seems.  Not sure why it isn't lowering.  I suppose that isn't terrible, but it's not great.  Especially as little as I am eating.  Almost no carbs, and few calories.  Well, I guess I did have black beans the other night, last night?  I... can't remember.  Recently.

Water is heating, for a fatted coffee.  But, then, I want chia breakfast.  Not sure which blend, but I think I will forego flax seed.  Two tablespoons of ground chia and one tablespoon of hemp hearts?  Two of that latter as well?  Something like that.  I need to get something going for my lips, chapstick?  Oh, I think I have better stuff.  For whatever reason, my lips are dry as death, cracking, beginning to bleed.  I have no idea why.

Hmm...  I am drinking less, and drinking mostly r.o. water.  I do have a bottle of perrier, from time to time, but more like a few a week, rather than a few a day.  I try to drink two quarts of r.o. water a day, probably should drink more?  Yea, maybe.  But, for now, lip balm as I attempt to increase my fluid intake.  I hate that everything I do has to be planned and implemented.  I would guess most people just... live.  Do.  I have to make conscious efforts, even to go the the bathroom regularly.  At least number one.  I have to remember that I have to go, and check.  Or I build up fluid.  It is a difficult life, to have some things which should be automated relegated to manual controls.  Even eating, drinking.  My body isn't... aware.  I have to be actively conscious of these things.  Be glad you... have an active body.

Oh, well, on to coffee, then breakfast.  Perhaps a few painpills.  The headache is shrill, unusually sharp.  Nothing else seems to be of issue, but that headache is a persistent thorn.  I've had much worse, in ways.  But this is so... intense, for as minor as it is.  Later.

Noon.

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.

And, finally, bedtime.  The package was delivered.  Amazing.

Outside, it has just hit 60.  It feels warmer?  No, probably just having turned the furnace up, I am warmed, so less susceptible to the cool.  I have turned the furnace off, as I don't need it for sleep.  Though, if it is cold, again, this evening, I will turn it on when I wake.  I simply can't function well when it gets to the mid 60s in here, or lower.

Blood sugar is up to 146.  So I'll have a small snack of some sort, then take a small fast acting dose.  Slow acting has already been taken.  I take that in the late afternoon, early evening, whichever is possible, as close to those as possible.  Perhaps 10 cc's, maybe 12.  It has been an excellent day for blood sugar.  Though, not sure why four hours, with nothing but water, would cause it to go up.  Bleh.

Not bad.  Still having to push through to days.  The cold has reversed the direction I am able to go, or completely undone what I had done, but so far in the other direction as to have made up for that... lapse?  Something like it.  I'll... keep trying.  If heave does work, than hoe will?  God knows I'm giving it my all, if nothing seems to be getting where it should be.  I'll... keep trying.

God bless and goodnight.  I'm going to dream of a wife, in just the right ways.  Perhaps a couple of kids, or handful, or more?  Well... that seems to have been what has been on my mind for the last few days, strangely.  Not sure why, but I have enjoyed the thoughts, imaginings, perhaps even possibilities.  I'm not well, but I'm not dead yet either.  Goodnight.

Nearing bedtime.

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Well, who can ever tell.  This close yet that far, with no certainty.

Blood sugar is still very good, strangely.  Last I checked, it was 114.  So... I had another fatted coffee and some more turkey meat sticks.  That will be it, save water.  I can't quite figure out why some days, having just two fatted coffees, sum total, and blood sugar goes up.  Some days, like today, blood sugar is staying absolutely level.

I checked the package.  It was taken to the local ups location, and is said to be on it's way out currently, but from there.  Okay.  Still, odd that it would claim to be out, while in transit.  Another package arrived in SLC a bit before it, but was not expedited.  No... worries.  One package was supposed to be here today, one tomorrow.  Just, that, if one would make it, odd that both didn't.  Perhaps there are varying levels of priority?  While I do get packages late (rare for ups), I do get them early, too.  So... don't know.  

Though, it seems, lately, getting them early doesn't happen as often.  It's as if that is now frowned upon.  Thought... something strange is going on in the systems.  Not sure what, but... can tell.  Fuel costs, fewer buyers, lots of things are in the works, changing.  I honestly don't know how much longer things will hold up.  More the aftereffects of running so hot, for so long.  Though, if consumption has truly collapsed?  And with diesel and gasoline prices?  Yeah.  We will see.  

Though, to be honest, if amazon fails?  Your local grocery, hardware, and else will fail harder.  This could get ugly in ways no American has even imagined in their lifetime.  And globally?  Cannibalism.  For those not prepared.  Being vegan isn't preparation, merely making yourself an easier target.  They go after the slower ones, or catch them first.  

I'm serious.  This could get ugly in ways you would never want to see.  You?  How much food do you have, exactly?  And, what would you do for food, if your usual sources stopped being available?  How long would it take you?  Have you... ever starved?  I have.  I know.  I know how to deal with starvation.  Do you?  I promise you, if you have never starved before?  (Not eating for reasons out of your control = starvation, over a period of several weeks, though without certainty of when that will end)  You... will change.  It is like being held underwater.  Initially, you might struggle a bit.  But, if you begin to panic, you may well kill for air... or food.  Trust me.  Especially if this is your first rodeo.  And, once you begin killing, you... will live to kill.  Can't change that.  Thankfully, I... learned control.  More by accident, incident.  Well, and that I had food available, just no means of cooking it.  So, it... was a bit different.

I am just hoping, when this cleans up, those who created this mess... for a false pandemic, to the vaxxes, to the food shortages, are rounded up, tried, and hung.  We will see.  Perhaps there is some sort of fix, quicker than most think.  But... I don't think so.  Just fuel prices, but that adds to food prices, has to.  Plus businesses going down, first the small locals, now the bigs and probably government.  And that all is assuming there isn't a nuclear exchange... which I don't.

Panic?  Too late, too little, wouldn't help.  Just... get ready, if you can.  The worst that could happen is... nothing.  And, you would have food for a bit, until food prices stabilize.  Might get killed for it, but... perhaps... even then?  Maybe your food would keep someone from killing even more people.

Thoughts for the day, I guess.  Later.

How is that possible?

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Oh, a shipment through amazon.  It started out at West Deptford, NJ, at 15:28, then hit Philadelphia, PA at 18:03.  I then left that facility at 22:24.  It arrived at Louisville, KY at 00:13.  It was slated to arrived today.  I realized, at that point, actually when I saw where it was being loaded, that there was no way it was going to make it today.

Which, generally, is fine.  Usually they do a super job.  I hate complaining, but some of their deliveries can be really off.  Or, get delivered to the wrong place.  Not, around here, most but FedEx.  Still, even they have improved.  Mostly.  Anyway, so... since I was up, and don't have a lot I can do, I... checked in, from time to time.

Then:

Rockford, IL in at 1:28, out at 2:15.  

Salt Lake City, UT, in at 04:57, out... for delivery at 05:00?  Hmm?

I have never seen them deliver from Salt Lake City before.  Well, FedEx used to do that, from North Salt Lake City.  And, sometimes, minor carriers.  But not UPS.  Now I am dying to see if it gets here, today.  Oh, well, the packages from FedEx did all, finally, in the end, make it.  All good.  Saves me a lot of hassle.  

-------

Some other strange things?  It was 34 out, last I looked.  But the sun has been up for an hour, two?  No, at just 06:49, maybe a bit over an hour?  A bit to an half, maybe?  Something like that.  Anyway... so, I was thinking it has probably warmed.  A quick check, and?  And... no.  Not only has it not warmed, it has cooled.  It is below freezing out there!  It is 31.  Wow.  Glad I closed things up and turned the furnace on.  Who would have thought that I would have needed to turn the furnace on, to 72, in June!  Well, other than me.  I knew it, I just... knowing and living something like this isn't... the same thing.  :p

Further, blood sugar has been wonderful today.  Starting out a bit high, at 172, I had a carby (beans) meal, and a dose.  Not... a big dose.  But enough to cover the beans and higher reading.  Next it hit 112.  And, given some time, I had a bit more to eat and drink.  Now, after that, and time... several hours... it is 98.  Perfect.  Though I will probably have something else yet this morning.  A bit of coffee and a few more meat sticks.  Just... to be careful.

Well... nothing done.  But... I am still alive.  Eating, dosing, trying, thinking.

It's what I can do.  Still grasping for more, just not connecting.  Good day, maybe goodnight.  I... just... don't know.  

Trying.

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.

I did make some coffee.  I also prepared food, and ate it.  Nothing fancy.  Quite plain, simple, yet filling.  As well, I turned the furnace on, if just to 72.  It had fallen to 63 in the house... with the windows shut.  Save for upstairs windows, though with that door shut, so the cool remains up there.  The front room has risen, for that, from 66 to 68.  Though that may merely be for having downstairs windows shut, the door to upstairs closed, and me and the machine here, warming the place.

I haven't gotten any insulin in.  Will, shortly.  Nor have I worked.  Nor, most likely, will I work.  As a fact, I think I will have another fatted coffee, insulin, medicine, and go on to bed.  I simply have no capacity for more.  So tired.  A bit of an headache.  Hungry, a bit, beyond.  Meat sticks?  Yes, that may well do.  Nothing fancy, but... good.  At 70 calories per, no carbs, mostly fat with some protein, turkey based, they are tasty enough.

Becoming sore.  Not sure why.  Weather changes?  Hmm, no.  That usually isn't what gets me.  Just health waxing or waning.  Even getting better, sometimes improving health can cause suffering.  You don't live on the frontier of death without costs.  It's more like living on a border which changes under you.  One moment, for no cause of your own, or action, or inaction, you are on the side of life.  The next moment, the border has shifted, under you, and I find myself on death's side.  Sometimes the shift goes mostly unnoticed.  Sometimes, though, it hurts.  Either way.

At least God has given me the grace to simply pray, and thank Him for allowing me to see and do things most can't, probably wouldn't, maybe shouldn't, but certainly wouldn't appreciate.  Once I learned to see, I appreciate now what a gift it is to know the difference.  A little tight, at times.  And, yet, a grace.  A terrible grace.  A gift beyond the ability of many to even receive, endure, and learn to enjoy.

I think others have known more, or worse.  If... they didn't seem to manage it as well.  The cost, for some, is quite high.  Though, oddly, I see that, in some smaller way, even the one I will discuss learned to enjoy life beyond the treason of and within it.  I have, of course, freedoms she did not... for what all that sometimes accounts anything else.  The freedom to live without the ability to stand is... not as it might seem.  Still, it... is what it is.

Can't wake well.

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.

The cool, I am sure, is most of it.  If I think just the way of the weather, too.  Difficult to pull my brain out of the sleepiness it seems stuck within.  If medicine is still, probably, a part of it.  I'll get some coffee, then chia and other seed breakfast going after.  I am thinking chia and hemp heart, skipping flax this time.

After I warm a bit, and have fed, I'll see about getting some work started.  Having a very difficult time just keeping up on chores and litter.  Food, for myself, and Sassy, and her water, I... do okay.  The rest is difficult.  Even just being awake, even when it was warming.  I just want to sleep.  Or... drowse through near wakefulness.  Want?  No, not want.  More am stuck doing.  

I WANT to get the hammock up and go goof in it, locally at first.  I WANT to clean the house up, and get organized.  I WANT to go for walks, and hiking on paths.  I WANT to go shopping, grocery and price checking some things.  No, I don't want to be drowsy all the time.  I just don't know how to stop being so.  My body my want it, I don't.

Anyway.  I'll get something warm in.  Then, maybe dress more warmly.  Perhaps turn the furnace up.  I may have to surrender on that.  See if work is possible yet tonight.  Good evening, or maybe goodnight, if you are going on to bed.  Hmm...  Then again, if I eat and warm, and there is nothing going, I may go on back to bed as well.  Later, or goodnight, for your, my, or both our parts.

Trying to sort things.

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.

Not exactly sure when I went to bed.  It was after noon.  The last number, I saw, on the clock, for certain... I think... was 12:48?  12:38?  One of those.  Though that isn't necessarily when I went to bed, though could be.  Could be up to three hours later, if probably at the most.  I woke at around 21:30?  Give or take.

While sleeping, toward the end of the sleep, I had to close the window nearest me.  Gusts were coming in.  COLD gusts.  Brutal.  Woke me right up.  The first few I thought were freaks, covered up better, and tried to ignore.  After several, and several, then three right in a row, I sorted out the mechanics of moving and shutting the window.  Oh my word is that wind cold!  No number of blankets would work against it.  Not any blanket I have ever owned.

Sassy came up, about then, maybe half an hour later... to let me know it was time to wake.  I gave her some petting and scratching, gently and pleasantly.  Telling her how wonderful she is.  She is such a pleasant little pot belly with genie eyes.  Anyway... gave her some good feelz, love, and cooing.  Asked if she was hungry, got her rousing meow cheer, so got up.

It's 65 up front, starting out, and 63 or cooler in the rest of the house.  I finally closed the windows.  Checked outside, where it is 44, but windy, sometimes gusting.  I have refused to turn on the furnace, and unless it drops to the 50s in here, I probably won't.  Hard to believe I even wrote that it got to 34, let alone that it is already 44 before 22:00!  In the middle of June.  Even if I knew it would do that, it doesn't change the fact that it DID do that.  Knowing isn't fact, until it is.

Today?  I have no idea.  But I want to try to get to work.  I'll... dress a bit more warmly, wear warm socks, two layers, and try to do a few things.  Dishes, some laundry, cleaning in the kitchen and bathroom, and waterers.  

Blood sugar is 174, for not good reason.  But, with sleep being weird, I'm not even certain that is a fasting blood sugar.  I'll get some food, and insulin, plus slow acting, in.  It was 127 when I last drew, well after my last meal.  Oh well, I'll... do what I can.  Later.

I finally got to chores.

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.

One of the rabbits has escaped.  The door, and latch, were always sketchy.  Not much to do about it, but say a little prayer and hope he does well.  The rest were fed and watered.  And, I have waterers set up for one more go.  I'll try to get the others reset before tomorrow.  I do what I can.

I also got a shower in.  Always nice.  Still strange how little, or rarely, I really need a shower.  And, yet, if I could, I would take one daily.  Clean!  Love it.

Blood sugar, after another meal, is at 126.  I... guess that is good enough.  I definitely won't take any more insulin.  I haven't had insulin all night, save for an initial minor dose, plus the slow acting.  Meals have been small, light.  The last one was just chicken bullion, with two tablespoons of cream and a tablespoon of butter.  Fairly calorie dense, but being a third of what I have consumed for the day, or more, it's... fine.

It's just past noon.  It is partly cloudy.  And it is still on the cooler side, having just reached 54 F.  I checked three times, to make sure.  So be it.  But, yes, cool.

An item I had thought lost, in the mail, arrived.  Plus another item, for stored goods... a large pail of salt.  I have better sea salt, but this will do for table salt.  It is a sea salt too, just not of the higher quality.  The good sea salts are in smaller packs.  This one is about 30 pounds.  I'd like to get one or two more.  Trade, if nothing else.  But salt is a required nutrient.  Where are you going to get salt if the trucks stop running?  I'm sure, probably, there are somewhat local mines?  But who is going to work those?  Yea, buy some extra salt.  At least to get you through to a conversion system.

Oh, and vinegar.  Just white vinegar.  A generic brand I trust, at less per two gallons than my store sells it for one, delivered.  Not really shorting my store as saving my back.  Four more, I ordered four last month, opened one.  A good thing to have on hand.  Was supposed to receive something else, but FedEx seems to... be totally lost.  It says it is out for delivery, somewhere in Iowa.  It only took them a week to get the wasp spray here, after it, too, was "delivered".  *sigh*  New math?

It looks like I might be pushing around to days the normal way after all?  I can't seem to run it backwards.  Though, with the cool, then heating, the cold, I'm sort of being tossed around like a cork ship in a hurricane.  Oddly, I just don't seem to be able to sink.  All good.  I'll pray for God's will to be done, and not worry an iota otherwise.  Besides... it's... sort of... interesting.  I lead a very interesting life.  Have met very interesting people.  Seem to collect them?  Not on purpose.  I like boring people.  I just... don't know any.  *grins*

Be well.  Have a great day.  Pray if you find wisdom in telling the Almighty hello, work if you can, rest if you must.  I shall be sleeping shortly.  After a quick prayer.  Where... am I?  Who am I?  I... am tired.  Later, much later, and probably goodnight, and day.

Well?

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.

No colder outside, at 34.  But it is sure getting cooler indoors.  It reads, in the main, 63.  But that is with the lamp nearby.  I'm guessing it it closer to a flat 60 in most of the cave, 68 near the machine, with me, the computer, and a lamp, cloistered and behind a door curtain.

I got the waterers, the ones needed, refilled.  So, shortly, I'll get out for chores.  A shower before I go, to warm up?  I can hope.

On the gooder side, as well, blood sugar was 106.  Food gently lifted it from 90.  I'm having, three hours later, a fatted coffee... for warmth and fats... well, and caffeine.  Very light eating, all in all.  Keeping it under 1k, or thereabouts.  I still doubt if I will lose weight, but... it isn't about that, at this point.  More a money thing.  After cutting to 1500 or less, I realized almost nothing I will do will cause me to lose weight.  My body is what it is, at this point.  Strange, though, that I didn't gain weight while eating more.  I don't seem more, or less, active, over the various consumption plans.  Meh.

Has anyone heard that in S. America, they eat gerbils?  I've seen gerbils, but never seen them that big, mind you.  It must be a specific breed?  Anyway, I was thinking of that, last night, and so went to see about it.  If they were still doing it.  I thought I had heard they were.  But, at one time, that was a common food.  I am not sure if it is still common, but... it is still, in some places, a meal that is available.  I... can't help thinking about a food, when I hear about it.  I am not sure I will ever get down there.  Or raise some for food here.  But... I can think about it.  Better than chicken, they say.  There is very little I wouldn't at least try.  Grub, if you can believe it.  Wasn't impressed, or particular disappointed.  Better than earthworms, or any I had been dared to eat as a child.  Meh.  Perhaps, though, I wasn't hungry enough?  

Still, I pleased those with whom I dined.  They giggled like children.  Was it at my bravery, or timidity?  Was it because I broke my people's seeming taboo, or joined in their culture?  Or... some mix.  They looked down their nose up to us?  Yes.  Strange people, who hated us and yet wanted to love us.  We terrified them, disgusted them, yet... there was something else.  Distant kin.  Wanted to understand, and be understood.  I... we... resembled those remarks.  

Or... was it just a dream?  It doesn't feel like that.  It feels... real.  Can smell the village, people... even when clean... foods... women.  A fond disgust.

Anyway... cold.  Coffee is helping.  Food next?  I don't know.  Eggs would be good.  Do I have a pan I could use?  Hmm...  Maybe some spam, too?  It's not delicious, but it's not bad, always.  I have slim packs, so don't have to open a complete tin, of spam.  Too much.  Seen where some boil it, then fry it.  But that sounds like a bit much.  Just thinking.  Later, or goodnight.

More unusual, and more.

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.

With blood sugar high, a moderate dose and a meal.  With no meat thawed, or left remaining cooked... I just added green beans, peas, and mushrooms again.  That and a fatted coffee.  With butter, after, it was quite good.  Even filling, or filling enough.  As well, in time, a can of sardines and two keto crackers.  Seemed all reasonable.

Finally, two hours after food, blood sugar is down to 90.  Not a terrible number, but... a bit lower than I like to leave it off.  So, two small fruit cups.  Hopefully that will do it well enough, maybe?

The front room is 70, with me and the machine?  Seemed odd.  the rest of the house seems to be 66, if... I think it feels cooler?  So, I checked outdoors.  Wow.  It reads 34!  What... month and day?  June 14th?  That is absolutely crazy, weatherwise.  Refreshing, I'll assure you.  But... this is...  Then again, it is as I have suggested.  And, next year, and the next fifty?  Cooler, colder?  Maybe.  Maybe the next four hundred years, thousand?  My blind eyes see many years as such, if with bumps and hiccups.  Still, just because my own blind eyes see such, having my worldly eyes see the proof is a whole other thing.

I still wonder what will happen when northerners move into equatorial areas.  Not out of want, out of need.  Not sure if I will survive to see it, but, I do see it.  It... won't be a gentle request.  Or even friendly request.  Or... a request at all.  I guess they will know what it is to have aggressive foreigners as neighbors.  Should be interesting to see if tech or numbers will win out.  Not really being contested, here, currently.  But when the space is much reduced, that will be the question.

Probably won't be my problem.  If I am still here, and alive, I would be left behind.  As would many old, ill, weak.  But, my guess, is behind closed doors?  Those numbers and figures and statistics are being run.  What would make a win more likely is being sought, and attempted to be implemented, there... and here.  Europe is gone.  Is being allowed to be ruined.  America?  The elites are looking out for themselves, directly, in the moment.  That is all.  The rest of us are on our own, or even being planned against, sold out.

Things... change.  I don't think they can buy enough out, or sell out fast enough?  Will find out before long.  Less so, of a selling out, buying out, or such, when what is being used for currency is quickly becoming worthless?  Not even the controlled alternatives, such as bitcoin, seem to be surviving.  Fiction, no matter how "revolutionary", and when based on other fiction, just... can't pan out.  Not even gold or silver will do well.  Controlled.  Anything controlled is burning.  Can't print food, can't print oil/gas/diesel, can't print trust, can't print control.

Whatever.  It'll work out the way it should, soon or late.  The king, with no clothes, will catch cold and die.  Or... similar algorithms.  Interesting to watch.  Interesting times are damned dangerous times.  But... I should have been dead long ago.  So... no... skin off my nose.  To see the rich eat themselves will be interesting.  Nothing of the poor to eat.  Interesting.  Later.

Stuck, but... thinking.

.

.

I have a rolling jack, but it isn't working.  For whatever reason, it crossed my mind tonight.  It is a very hand mechanism.  I think it is rated at several tons, so can handle the Xterra.  And most passenger trucks and cars.  A very handy unit.  If it works.  The last time I tried to use it, it had no lift, and was actually difficult to lower.  Gravity would not function to lower it, as has been true in the past.

I figured it would be easy to fix.  And, I suspect it will be.  Still, without particular experience, or the manual...  So, I went looking.  Without knowing the brand, not sure it is on there.  And, probably being from Sears... which mostly doesn't even exist at this point, I just went generic.  In this case, I think from Harbor Freight, so literally and virtually generic.  Not... always a bad thing, just... it is what it is.

I went to order the oil, but the link took me to a different product.  I looked around a bit, and found the right product, at a quarter the price.  Odd how those things work.  *dirty side glance*  Still, so it is on order.  Oh, and... I just thought... perhaps looking for a multi-pack of o-rings.  Those are excellent to have, anyway.  Whenever I need objects de mechanicals, for this or that, I generally order a wide array.  Sure, with these, they will age.  But, often, it surprises me how long things really do last.  So, I will go looking for those, after this.

And, yes, I... think I can get that thing working before long.  I need to change oil, soon, anyway.  I just... may need some help, sorting things out.  I have, honestly, never changed oil.  Or a tire.  It has never crossed my path... the tire.  Oil?  My size, lack of garage or safe place to do it for most of my life, and then just... "gravity of incidences prior" made it so I didn't think about it, when a garage, and driveway, were available.  Well, and truly, health.  I'd like to learn to do this, even if it really isn't necessary.  It's... the idea.  Perhaps and learn to do other things as well.  Breaks?  Headlights?  Who knows.

Ah, the vid.  Just... thinking you might have similar interests, problems, or simply be curious about things.  Who knows where knowing a little something might be worth it for your own good.  Even if it is just an intellectual thing you pass on to someone else.  Save some coin, possibly, too?  Who knows.

A cool day.

.

.

It remains overcast, and I think was so all day.  I'm not sure when I finally went to bed.  It was 08:30, or later.  I... am almost certain.  It was about 18:48 when I woke, or finally.  I remember seeing 16:48.  Which actually confused me when I woke here recently, as in my slight sleepyhead stupor, I confused the two.  I finally decided the first must have be 16:48, I just didn't see it correctly.  Because I know I slept quite a while after, and am sure I looked and "saw" that.

It was 72 near my bed, 68 out in the room, with two fans going.  It is 66 in the main of the house, 68 in the front area.  And, 53 outside.  It sounded like it rained, in smaller parts, through the day.  I haven't heard of flooding here, but Yellowstone, I do believe, is getting record flooding.  Nearing the highest their highest depth, and expected to top that.  All entrances are closed for now.  Or... so I have heard, from one potentially unreliable source.

Still, I have heard they are getting pounded up north a bit.  If, that, too, is from an unreliable source.  Oh, even broadcast, and local, are considered unreliable at this point.  Still, it's what I've got, or get, from time to time.  More bump into such, than actually go looking.  And ignore most of it, as probably propaganda.  They are still on about global warming.  Until they at the very least clear that, without replacing it with global cooling, global change, etc?  They are completely clownworld and to not be given any merit.  But that is one of a dozne buzzwords which can, will, do, kill all credibility.  It means they are owned and operated by anti-American forces, even if they come bearing some alphabet badge or tech association (same things, really).

Sleepyheaded, still.  Working on it.  Coffee water is being heated.  Not sure, even now, if I am awake for good... for the night... day... whatever.  Or if I am just up, to get medicines down, check in, and crash again.  I... am in some sort of trouble I can't seem to extricate myself from.  Tired.  Sleepy.  Pained.  Later.

Gah!

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.

Was going to check blood sugar, then go on to bed.  Started feeling funny, really quick like.  Blood sugar was 53, and dropping.  Could tell.  So... mints, and a good lot of them.  I've eaten, or am in the process of finishing, twelve.  Which is about 24 grams of carbs.  If I had eaten a roll of carb tabs, that would have been 50 grams of carbs.  

They try to tell me those carbs are better carbs, but I don't think there is any difference, fast carbs are fast carbs.  Though, usually, I need a lot more of those carbs for the same effect, which usually messes up my blood sugar more severely.  I think I'll stick to these.  I'll probably have six more, over time... trying to go slower with them, just sucking on these last ones, and the last six as well... three at a time.  But, even with six more, at 8 grams of carbs per three, that will only be 16 more carbs, for a total of 40 carbs.  Whereas, if I tried to use carb tabs, I would have gone through a roll, and still needed some of these, and that would have been 50 to start.

Wow.  What a drop.  What did I do?  I didn't dose high.  Bleh.  Not... sure why that does that, sometimes.  Certainly do not understand this time.  Was already higher, and ate a high carb meal.  Bleh.  I'll stay up a few more hours, and check before going on to bed.  Should be good, if a little high now.  So be it.  

It is continuing to rain, coming down heavier and faster.  Pleasant, if nothing else.  Later.

June?

,

,

The 13th?  Crazy.

I thought I heard the pitter-pat of rain.  But... thought... that couldn't be.  I dismissed it, until I couldn't.  More, I started shivering?  Was I tired, or... cold?  Finally, I shook myself out of lethargy, and went to look.  Raining.  Definitely raining.  And it dropped to 46 out there.  So, yes.  Okay.

Very strange.  Very, very, strange.  And, it's not just a drop, or three.  It hasn't stopped.  A solid rain, for the last half hour.  All good.  Really, at least for my notions.  I have to wonder how good this is for farms.  Though who knows.  Will have to wait and see.  Still, should have been dead dry a couple of weeks ago, and into the 90s and steadily by then, too.  Summer, as it has been known locally, will be very short this year.

As much as water is needed, though, not a bad thing.  If, as I have mentioned, I have great doubts about there being a drought here... just water thievery.  So... This water is more difficult to steal, if it slows growth?  Meh.  Oh well.

Hungry...

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.

Blood sugar came down, a bit, to 134.  Meh.  So I was thinking of just going on back to bed.  But... I... couldn't sleep.  For one.  Why?  I am trying to figure that out.  To be honest, I think, mostly, I am a natural born nightowl.  My mother says she had a hell of a time getting me to sleep at night.  Car rides, it was their only, slim, hope.  I... loved... and still do... the night.  It is my home.

The cool?  The quiet?  The dark?  I... can't be absolutely sure.  I like most of those, all of those.  Would it be different before easy sources of light at night?  Not really, I don't think.  While I can't see like an animal, say a cat or actual owl, I can see far better than most at night.  Or... so I say.  Obversely, seeing during the day is slightly more difficult.  Just like cats.  Too much light.

As to the cool?  I think it is more the lack of sun, than the cool or the heat.  Especially now that health and medicines are in full swing.  I can handle sleeping into the 80s, even wanting a blanket?  Crazy.  As well, I can just as comfortably sleep in the 40s, with several blankets.  So, temps, to a majority degree, don't really matter to me.  But light does.

Still, oddly, I am rather sensitive to the light during the day, while I try to sleep.  I am wearing a cap down over my eyes.  Last summer, I think, I slept in the closet.  But, either way, I seem to sleep so much better during the day.  Oh, I have been working on that problem for longer than some of you have been alive.  Not... all of you.  But certainly some of you.  Heck, twice as long as some of you have been alive, especially if you count the efforts of my parents, and probably the nuns who seemed to ignore me, mostly, before that.

Oh, well, and I became hungry.  So... I decided to cook.  Not well, if not as bad as could have been.  Eggs, thankfully, and in good shape.  Getting older, but still passing my test.  That and corned beef hash, from can.  Wanted to see how that would do.  And, really?  Not... bad.  Truly, not too bad.  High carbs, yes.  I... dosed a bit extra for that.  Should have just had half a can.  But, as mentioned.  Hungry.  HUNGRY!  So, the whole can and four eggs.

I did well, but the pan is a bit rough.  The eggs were nearing too done.  Good hash on the hash.  But, it was actually pretty good.  Not the healthiest, by a stretch.  But... good once or twice a month.  Eggs are good daily, if I could keep up on the cleaning.

As well, I viewed something I keep looking at.  I had, at once, considered a trip.  But with gas going through the roof, and else, no.  No, but I can watch.  Even with the little car, should I have been able to afford it, I wouldn't have been able to afford the gas, and lodging.  Perhaps there might be places to camp, but there is still food.  Then again, I probably have food enough in storage, to pack and heat on the road.  Nothing fancy, but it wouldn't need to be.  It's... the gas.  I'm just, as is, keeping just enough gas to get me to town a time or two.  I can't, won't, afford a fill.  So be it.  I guess at least I can watch.

I keep looking.

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.

Mostly fantasy.  And, yet, maybe not.  Expat status.  Moving overseas.  There are many nations possible.  But, only just so many which would fit a certain profile.  Affordable?  Safe (enough)?  Clot-shot required?  Reasonable to extend the stay?  Environment... how hot, cold, humid, dry?

There is no perfect place.  That... is not what is sought.  What is sought is a reasonable grouping of possibles.  To include medical.  As ill as I am, I actually don't need much care.  Just access to medicine and a checkup to make sure the medicine flows.

Beyond entrance, there is simply getting there.  Flights, or on ships?  Are there passenger ways, other than cruise lines, to such places?  I wonder if, still, freighter ships take on passengers?  That might well be a better way to go.  Much better than changing planes three or four times, over two or three days of flights?  More expensive?  Maybe, maybe not.  Still, surprised how inexpensive a flight really is, for as long as it takes.  Then again, it looks like an hotel room, or stay at the airport, would be required overnight.  Plus food and water.

Of all the places I have looked at, there is only one, for sure, where the vaxx isn't required.  A two week isolation would be required, however.  Not sure how food would be procured, though perhaps allowance is made for getting food.  The trick would be to find a place to hole up while making further plans.  Having a resource, there, on the ground, would be the gig.

Of course, with Russia and Ukraine in the thick of things, and China looking to take Taiwan at any time, and maybe other nations should they get involved (and if they don't, they may well be next), some... considerations have to made for that.  And, yes, China, Japan, and other aggressive asian nations have terrible abused whites/foreigners, from enemy nations.  And few would be willing the stick their neck out for them.  Heck, those who might, may well be in the sights of the aggression themselves, as is.

It looks like they have decided to pretty much undo every power America has had around the world.  Let friends hang, help enemies financially (yes, everything being "done to Russia" seems to be improving their lot in life), etc, all seems to be to the ends of destroying America, and her former allies.  Even Europe is being crushed by our "harming of Russia".  Not sure travel, currently, is the way to go.  Though, with Americans, in America, being as much a target as our allies, it's... merely a matter of assessing which risks are most severe.  I'm thinking on it.  You will have to decide on your own.

Though, getting up and out would be a hell of a trick.  Gotta admit, not sure it is possible.  But I am thinking on it.  Don't believe me on any of this?  Cool.  I... don't need belief.  Oh, and the other thing?  I can't afford an American wife.  Which... is the majority of the problem.  Why didn't the last engagement work out?  Essentially, because to live well, we had to both work.  And... that wasn't enough, for either of us.  Or too much.  In some foreign countries, even older, I could afford a wife.  Just couldn't ever bring her back to America.  It ruins women pretty much overnight.  And the courts and lawyers see to it.  Yes, if I could get over there, I'd... be looking for a woman.  Not preferred, to a degree, but within my means, in all ways.  And, yes... I would like that.  Can't afford American women, not just financially... legally and else.  The risk is not worth the reward, no matter how much I'd love to have a child or three or even six.  Can't afford that.  Can, possibly, afford a foreign wife... a gooder woman.

Blood sugar rose.  It must have been the vanilla.  I have been adding that, sometimes.  I guess I have to give that up.  Just a few drops, but it seems like it is too much.  Too bad.  Didn't take it really high, but to 179.  I'll have a fatted coffee, and a bit of insulin.  Oh, and take the slow acting while at it, too.

Other than that, the breakfast really was good.  Filling.  I cut it enough that, while still full, I didn't get stuffed to the gills.  I hate that feeling, usually.  So, being plenty full, but still actionable, is fine by me.

It keeps cooling, nicely.  Especially with an occasional gust, if more common gentle flow going through.  It is down to 56, outside.  Not cold, not even really cool.  Just... pleasant. Wonderful.  And it is getting down to around the high 60s to low 70s, depending on where in the house I go.  Quite nice.  I would go to sleep, but I don't think I can.  And, I want to check blood sugar in about three hours.

Well, and getting a shower in, trash out, and dishes started would be nice.

Awake, for a while.

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.

Can't remember exactly when I went to bed.  I was up, a while, after the last post.  It... just... took a while to get up off the chair, then get upstairs and sleep.  Just... did.  And, I couldn't sleep for long.  Actually, was doing okay.  It was 83 up there?  Anyway, didn't matter.  A blanket over me, and sleeping well enough.  Couldn't remember my name or station, didn't care.  Do I talk in my sleep?  Don't know.

Was sleeping okay.  Then... it... got cool?  Well, it dropped.  Felt nice, really.  Nicer?  It had dropped to 78, near the bed.  It was 73 out in the room further, and up off the floor more.  Which had been in the 82 or 83 when I went to bed as well.  So, yea, it cooled.  So... refreshing.  Woke me.  Not greatly, just enough that I couldn't just keep laying there.  So... up I got, around 22:30.

Being that I hadn't eaten, or much?, yesterday, I decided to make a chia mix cereal.  Adding all of the seeds.  Grinding only flax and chia.  Then soaking that all.  Protein powder, some powdered cream, liquid sweeteners, and coconut oil.  Oh, turmeric and black pepper too... as little as possible, as they aren't my favorite.  But pepper, put in low enough not to taste, actually does cause saliva to flow as if it senses eating it's favorite food, or smelling it?  And, I got the turmeric low enough, this time, that it isn't an issue.  More like food dye, at that level, but you don't need much.  It makes flax seed much more nutritious.  Worth the effort.

I have to admit, while not oatmeal, or wheat cereal... more whole or less, it is quite tasty, and filling.  Not only that, I really won't get hungry again in an half hour to three.  I will have a fullness, from three tablespoons of food and half a quart of fluids, for the rest of, say, eight hours?  Longer, really, if I don't think about it.  I did have a meat stick, though, too.  More for texture, and the idea of meat, than need.  

When last I checked, outside, it was 61.  I get the feeling that it is continuing to cool off.  The front room, with the door open just a crack, went from 79(?) to 75, and continues to drop... even with me and the machine present and hot.  

To be honest, I may end up just eating, for the most part, those seeds.  Maybe with a can of sardines or such, or a few meat sticks, as well.  If I can do that, I should begin losing weight.  It doesn't make sense, to me, that I haven't lost weight already.  I thought, perhaps, that I simply wasn't metabolizing.  But, if that were true, I wouldn't kick off heat like I do.  And I definitely do.  Even eating just ~1k calories for the last few days, I am still putting out enough heat that, if I leave the room for ten minutes, and come back?  I can still sense my heat signature.  Both upstairs where I sleep, and down here where I sit.  It's as if I left the stove on low.  Which... means... I do have a strong metabolism.  Though, perhaps, not always?

I am hoping to get a shower in, then hit waterers, tonight.  If I get a shower in, I'll set up dishes.  Nothing fancy, but just those things would be nice.  Then, on to bed again?  Oh... trash out, and maybe recycling?  Not sure this week is recycling though.  Actually, pretty sure it isn't.  Still, would like to get that going in any case.  Later.  Or goodnight, if I fail at some or all of that.  

Overcast.

.

.

Now the wind has picked up.  Constant, but with rather heavy gusts?  Very... strange.  This is supposed to be summer.  Once it hit summertime, usually, that is that.  It flattens, hunkers down, and the world cooks.  Just a week or two in, and we are getting weather, of a different sort?  Strange.

Not much I could, or would, do.  Especially not currently.  It's bedtime.  The drank went down like liquid gold, hit every note of thirst quenching possible, and life is good for it.  I'll have to take the last dose of pill medicine when I wake.  For it is far too early to take a second dose.  With sleep off, I can only do what I can do with that.  But I will get insulin in.  Just slow acting.  I won't be eating until I wake, or some point well after.

On to bed.  Some prayers, for folk, near and far, healthy and ill, mistaken, foolish, and wise.  You know who you are.  Save those who have no clue, nor seeming care in the world.  If you really didn't have a care in the world, though, I... wouldn't have to pray for you.  You'll... get that, when you get it.  God be with you.  Me too.  I... don't even know what day it is.  Or date.  And my mind isn't working in such a way that I can work that out.  I'll... try when next I wake.  Amen.

Still so very tired!

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.

I haven't even been able to get coffee going.  So very tired.  I can't really get up, get going.  I don't hurt.  Nothing is off.  I just can't keep my eyes open, or seeing?  I can't focus, recall, remember, think.  As I try to read, or see, or listen, the inputs just dull, fade, then cease.

I want food, but am not hungry.  Certainly there is not enough impulse to overcome the lethargy I face as a headwind against such an action.  However, I am thirsty.  To the end of solving that, water?  But... that was not enough.  So, I added vinegar, with mother.  I have red wine vinegar and apple cider vinegar, both with mothers.  So, added a bit of each.  Well, and electrolyte replacement powder.  That... makes a fine mix.  But, still, something else was missing.  Ah!  Sea salt.  The absolutely perfect thirst-cutting, grail removing, refreshment.  Truly, this is... like a little sip of heaven.

I remembered medicine, so took it.  I will sip this as I probably begin fading, again, into some form of oblivion.  I will take slow acting insulin, then go on up and back to bed within the hour.  I would do it now, but I can't quite get there, and I am still thirsty.  Yet can't quite just chuck this down.  It'll take a bit to get it all gone.  By then I should be ready to try to make the stairs.

So very tired.  And thirsty.  Goodnight.

That didn't... really work.

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.

I did get down early... around 02:30?  Give or take a quarter, if probably right about then.  I was only able to stay down until nearly six.  Give or take a quarter.  I was up... until I wasn't.  Not sure when I turned in.  Faded away, more than made a choice.  Hit sleep like kissing the lead effluent of a double barrel twelve gauge shotgun.  Quickly, and... in a way, sweetly.  Whether I flinched or not, heard the sound or not, no matter how messy it was, I didn't actually feel a thing.  *Bam!*

Whatever else, awake at about 16:30.  Not... terribly rested.  When I tinker, and that fails, I always feel like I am waking with a slight hangover.  Not the type that hurts everywhere, or even anywhere.  Just that one where you feel like you just jumped through time, and it all went sideways.  Nothing quite fits, if it doesn't hurt.

I... did my best.  And, I am not done.  I need to be back to days, and will get there.  It's... just going to hurt a bit, or a lot really, to do that.

Blood sugar is higher than I had hoped, if lower than I had worried.  After I got blood sugar where I wanted it, I gave it another hour.  It went down to 70, and wasn't stopping.  So, I had mints.  Trying to limit the number.  I simply couldn't eat, or cook, so mints where the real choice.  At 142 fasting, given them mints... it's... okay.

Warm.  It is 81 to 82 upstairs, 78 in the front room, and 73 in the rest of the cave.  Overcast outside.  Haven't looked at the temp out there, but it must be warm, or have been warm... on up to hot.  I just don't know.

I am trying to cut food.  And, mostly, am doing it.  If I can push it down to 500 to 1k, I will.  Though if I am hungry, I'll let it run to 1.5k.  Not every day, just...  Then again, hunger seems to run in groups, of days.  So, if I must, I must.  Just... keeping it 1.5k as a max is the absolute goal.  Usually very doable.  I doubt if my body, large as it is, is using even 1k.  It has become efficient, if to nearly the point of failure.  It just doesn't have access to the energy in order to burn it?  Something.  I have learned to eat properly enough to keep it fed, it just... can't use it.  Even when taking ritalin, my body could not be active enough to function.  Which... meant... while those pills did help, to a degree.  They were painful to take.  I... just... wanted to sleep, but couldn't.  They made me so tired.  My body would cry, from sheer exhaustion, on those pills.  They were difficult to take... for whatever that means.  Even having taken them for years, I never could get used to them.  In some ways, I was so happy to quit them.  I slept for a couple of months after stopping them.  Blissfully, happily.  The sleep of the dead, allowed to be dead once again.  Quiet.  Alone.  Just thinking about that makes me want to sleep for a month, again.

Then again, I wasn't on heart pills.  I am almost curious to see if I could take those, on this medication, then titrate this up to cover for that, to see if I could be more functional.  It would be a dog and pony show.  But... to be more active I would... be willing to take some risks.  I... should start checking bp, now.  It has been a long time on meds.  And, to be honest, checking bp allows my body to bring it down.  Some of it, if not all of it, is psychosomatic.  It is of the mind.  The pills make the lows possible, but the mind has to see and react and produce the final results.  At least for me.  In other words, it will not complete the lowering without seeing, testing, and reacting to those.  I'll... look for the cuff, today, tomorrow... find it, use it.

Well... Sassy has been fed.  Need, next, to deal with her litter.  Then refill waterers and get to chores.  A fatted coffee, first.  Then, in an hour or two, after those other things and a shower, a chia, flax, and/or hemp heart breakfast.  Maybe a bit of all?  Two need to be ground.  But a tablespoon of the ground, and one of the not ground, should be more than enough for half or even the whole day.  That stuff is massive, as a meal, when ground.  It's like eating a pound of food.  Later.

Ah, better.

.

.

Up later than hoped.  But not near as late as usual.  I had to stay up a bit later because blood sugar was a bit high.  Nothing... terrible.  It was 161.  I wanted to bring it down, and did.  At 107 I am comfortable and will go on to bed.

It has cooled nicely.  This, the front room, is still hotter than the rest of the house.  But at 75 and dropping, it is rather comfortable.  Upstairs?  I don't know.  With windows open and fans working, I can hope it is a bit cooler.  Though... who knows.  Tomorrow, perhaps, I'll get one or both of the ac's in.  And, if needed, run them a bit before bedtime.  Nothing fancy, just... a bit.  Without humidity, and with health stats coming under good control, life really is smoothing out.

Of course, with the medicine still in the restart phase, I am pretty crushed by it.  I keep praying for God to... help.  Maybe He is doing all he can do?  Maybe it is my job?  Maybe being crippled is His will?  Still, I ask.  So... tired.  Sitting in the chair is what I can do.  No shower, tonight, but maybe first thing in the morning?  Maybe.  A little cranky, bodywise, but not terribly.  I... will keep trying.

Still, this is to bed three hours before the minimum usual, as much as eight hours early at the outer fringes.  So... good.  Hopefully I may sleep well.

Oh, am wearing new unders.  Made, really, for travel, camping, hiking.  I wasn't sure I would like them, but they are fantastic.  Enough so that I will buy a few more.  The goal is to wear them regularly, hand wash them every or every other day, and cycle them through... just as if I was on the trail.  I am planning to buy a few more, in a smaller size.  And, perhaps, even the next size down.  Why?  Well... these fit.  But, if I actually get to the trail, and hike and camp?  I will be losing size.  At least one size.  I... know this.  So, I would like to be ready.  Not sure it will happen, but I want to be ready.  As well, depending on the day, sometimes I can wear the next size down.  I had feared they would be terrible, for normal use.  But... nope.  Superior in every way.  I have bought lessor brands before.  Which didn't breath.  These breath.  So very comfortable.  I will wash these, and go without, every other, or third, night... until fresh arrive.  Just let them air dry through the night, as I would on the trail.  Expensive.  But, so far, well worth the expense.  I've never had unders so comfortable, cool, and odor free.  Cotton is great, in the winter, inside, as long as you don't sweat.  These?  Are superior in every way.

Another thing I am doing to try to gear up, get started in a different direction, and if nothing else, enjoy life just a bit more, right here and now.  Yea, it really is worth it.  Even if I never end up hiking or camping.  Goodnight.