Just getting back up.

.

.

Down around 13:30.  I tried to remember the exact time.  That is pretty close.  Up at 19:30.  It was 80 when I went in, and at least closer to my bedroll, it was 80 when I woke.  Slept a bit roughly, but... well enough, mostly.  Not as long of a sleep as would have been preferred, but better than expected.  No choice, whether to sleep or not.  Had to drop.  May end up back in bed before long.

Blood sugar is 165, but I don't think that is fasting.  Average is 128, though drops generally to the mid to lower 120s.  I had eggs and hash before going to bed.  It is difficult to sort out a day when it has gone from cool to warm, to all one temperature, and that being 80, for the last day and an half or so?  Oh, it could be worse.  It will get worse.  Absolutely no doubt.  If it would cool of an evening, even a bit... and if I can acclimate more than has been allowed, life will be better, easier.

Overcast, as it turns to evening.  It is in the mid to low 70s, in the cave, save upstairs.  No, actually there as well, just not right in my sleeping area... which was 80.  Over into the room it was 77.  Outdoors is cooler, cooling, down to 69.  With a mild breeze, from time to time, it is helping... lightly.  

Not sure... how to make things work.  I am having trouble just getting a shower, or food in, several times a week.  Just limping by, barely.  Praying for... a second wind or a final breath.  But... that isn't ours to ask or get or certainly take.  Odd, how some people would do anything for just a bit more time, and some would have given them what we had for the quiet of a final rest.  Not ours to choose.

As I prepare my confession, for suicides, I have been sorting through them.  It still amazes me how powerfully built, resilient, some are.  And, yet, how fragile others are.  Well, and some combinations.  I have a heart that would kill almost any of you.  That alone.  And, I have had incidents, which weren't suicide, which kill most people who go through them.  Some of them while having the bad heart, having nothing to do with my intent.  Then add up my intended malpractices?

I can only remember six extremely serious attempts.  But two of them I have never met another who has survived.  Three of them I have heard of people dying from.  Heard that they usually do.  One of them I haven't heard of anyone doing before, at all, surviving or not.  Though, that one, when they found out, they put me in neuro for forty eight hours, not allowing me to sleep.  Brutal.  Torture.  They took it seriously.  Organic phosphates.  Not... a recommended method, by the way.  None were, but of all of them, only draino was worse.  

Though, of the deaths, and near deaths, all told, that was only fourth.  Two, where there was longer term physical damage, plus hospital trauma, were more difficult.  But, being young, recovery was... almost miraculous.  I healed like a wild animal, or something.  Pushed through.  Wish I could push through the bad heart.  Then again, that... is what I am doing, given the givens.  I'm just not sprinting through, as I would will it.

There may have been others.  I suspect so.  Will have to ask for general forgiveness for the unremembered.  For years I had those tendencies, well, until I stopped taking medication.  It never did decrease that urge, and as mentioned, only probably maintained, possibly increasing, the urge.  It is why they give the "medicine".  Though, too, it makes some homicidal.  Not sure they ever recover from that, if they go that way?  Dunno, wasn't ever my problem.  Though, when I stopped taking it, I did stop being suicidal, pretty much immediately.

I have my confession lined up, I just have to figure out how to get in.  Well, how to get out first, then get in.  Ugh.  At least I got a shower "yesterday".  And, may get another today.  I will try.  Hmm...  On to something.  Or nothing, again.  Bleh.  Later.