.
.
Time flies when you can't think. Never mind. I am rather at peace with Christmas this year. There have been a Christmas or dozen that were not filled with so much cheer. Sometimes I choked on self pity, it happens. Sometimes there was a sense of lonesomeness that would not be undone no matter how many were around, how close those people were, or what. And sometimes I drowned in the activities. A party here, a meal there, presents to be opened here, there, and yonder as well.
Mostly Christmas has been a time to escape the doings of the world. The thing that bothers me is that, often, with people, there is prejudice. Political, religious, personal, private, for good reason and for no reason, people just can't let go. I often wonder if one of the key things Christ wanted to teach was to simply let go. To honestly love the ones closest to us. Don't choose one of your own over someone else, choose the right one. Don't choose yourself over one of your own, choose the right one. Find the fundamental truths, understand them, and use them to guide you in all things. The more reason to crucify Him, by a worldly host of men, not knowing this would be the undoing of petty, selfish, self-vested notions. No, I am not saying that was Jesus's purpose, He came to save. But He taught for a bit before He returned to where He belonged. And this is what I speak of, His teaching.
When I find myself straying, and realize it, I try to look to Christ. While He is God, He also claimed me, by proxy, as friend and even kin. I know of little, truly, of God. I cannot comprehend what my mind was not meant to understand. But Christ, as a man too, I can see arms, legs, a torso and head. I read words uttered past his tongue. I know where He lived, where He went, what He did. And I am satisfied with Him, as Savior, King, Prophet, Friend, Kin, Adviser, and as One who knows what my "sandles" feel like to wear and use, in the full multiplicity of that last notion. Not all His choices, of course, are for me. Nor are all His duties completed here. So I cannot say fully that I know what He wants of me, only that I understand enough to know the path I must take. My point is, while I know He is God, I know too He was Flesh, Man, Friend, and Kin. And, to the exact point, He is worth... abiding.
Whether He was born, 'xactly, on December 25th I neither know nor worry. That I have let others concern themselves with the matter is enough, and this is what they have said. So be it. There will always be naysayers. Some say it was a different day! Some say there is no day as He never existed. There are some who still insist the world is flat or that men did not land on the moon (my grandfather believed the latter, to much cheer and endearment). Distractions abound if you choose to find them. As with many things, just look to God and these things fade into the irrelevance they deserve. No, it isn't about the exact day, if with faith there is no doubt He was born, it is just about remembering what the day is about. It is about the birth of the only true King men will ever find worthy of bowing for, to.
This is a great Christmas for me, personally. At ease with the approach, even on my own in a strange land. I am in my home, the first I have ever known. I am among people who are peaceful and have graces, some unique to them. I have two animal friends who seem to enjoy me as much as I enjoy them. I am slowly learning to live, to use my medicines to my advantage and function. I have finally begun partaking in worship and fellowship in my Church. I even have enough left over to share with others, bits and pieces of what I have and am. I have taken as much reasonable control of my life as I can, with Christian, Catholic, guidelines to follow. Life is so very good, the frustrations simply things to work with. I would never have believed such a thing could be.
Christmas, for my part, is every day. As is Easter. And yet neither is true without the darkest of days. But to see the greatest sin of men turned into the finally victory for God is to see debris woven with the finest materials into a tapestry of hope, faith, and charity. It is a good Christmas. Without being able to afford ornaments, let alone a tree. Without many gifts under the tree that isn't here. Without people all around. Without even the realization that Christmas day snuck up on me. It is a very good Christmas. How little we really need. I best be off to Mass.
Merry Christmas, should I not post tomorrow. I have some prayers to say. I believe it will be a day of prayers.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
Out and about.
.
.
Not until later. I finally arrived to see my friend at about 16:00. It seems he needed new pants and a coat. It is fun shopping for new stuff. He purchased three pair of pants in the right sizes, and a jacket. I was able to help him find what he needed. The size tags are often small, and as with many stores, around Christmas at least, keeping the sizes in order is difficult. Hunt and peck. Not my favorite activity but it wasn't that bad today. Grocery stores, with dozens of similar products, all bunched together in aisles stacked floor to ceiling, are the places I despise. This soap is for cold water, with bleach, for high efficiency machines, with softener, original (whatever that means anymore). On it goes. Clothes are a bit easier, usually. He didn't quite feel up to supper, or dinner out. But a half pint of his favorite brew sounded good. After that I let him off, helped him get his goods in, then went shopping myself.
Just food and cat items. Two cats sure go through a LOT of cat litter. I go through a 35-40 pound sack of litter every four to six weeks. Perhaps I am not doing it right? Along with that, they eat three to four 24 can packs of wet and a bag of dry food a month. Sum total, I would say they cost about a sixty dollars a month, give or take. It's toting the bags of litter that gets to me. Never mind, I'll do it. I do love the little house squirrels. Oh, I got a goodly number of treats. They go through those quite quickly.
I also bought a bit more, minor foods. I have not been eating right lately. I have cheese, I just ran out of salami and other nibblets. I should be good to go for a goodly period of time. Then, on my way home, a meal to go. Nothing fancy, I can't afford it. I still have to bring all that in. I hope, after doing that then a short rest, to finish the dishes. I really need to get to Church tomorrow. I miss receiving the Eucharist. It is like air, water, and food combined, and more still. Perhaps I am silly, but since I found it... I abhor going without it.
Well, on to other things. Perhaps, over the weekend, I can find my feet and put them on the track to good things. Good night.
.
Not until later. I finally arrived to see my friend at about 16:00. It seems he needed new pants and a coat. It is fun shopping for new stuff. He purchased three pair of pants in the right sizes, and a jacket. I was able to help him find what he needed. The size tags are often small, and as with many stores, around Christmas at least, keeping the sizes in order is difficult. Hunt and peck. Not my favorite activity but it wasn't that bad today. Grocery stores, with dozens of similar products, all bunched together in aisles stacked floor to ceiling, are the places I despise. This soap is for cold water, with bleach, for high efficiency machines, with softener, original (whatever that means anymore). On it goes. Clothes are a bit easier, usually. He didn't quite feel up to supper, or dinner out. But a half pint of his favorite brew sounded good. After that I let him off, helped him get his goods in, then went shopping myself.
Just food and cat items. Two cats sure go through a LOT of cat litter. I go through a 35-40 pound sack of litter every four to six weeks. Perhaps I am not doing it right? Along with that, they eat three to four 24 can packs of wet and a bag of dry food a month. Sum total, I would say they cost about a sixty dollars a month, give or take. It's toting the bags of litter that gets to me. Never mind, I'll do it. I do love the little house squirrels. Oh, I got a goodly number of treats. They go through those quite quickly.
I also bought a bit more, minor foods. I have not been eating right lately. I have cheese, I just ran out of salami and other nibblets. I should be good to go for a goodly period of time. Then, on my way home, a meal to go. Nothing fancy, I can't afford it. I still have to bring all that in. I hope, after doing that then a short rest, to finish the dishes. I really need to get to Church tomorrow. I miss receiving the Eucharist. It is like air, water, and food combined, and more still. Perhaps I am silly, but since I found it... I abhor going without it.
Well, on to other things. Perhaps, over the weekend, I can find my feet and put them on the track to good things. Good night.
Crash.
.
.
No, I did not finish the dishes. I did not collect $200. I went straight to bed. I had my alarm set. I reset it three times before finally just turning the damned thing off. At least I have enough on the ball that I can be pissed about it. Oh, not too angry, I know how this illness can be. I am not happy though. Never mind.
I saw that my friend called, so I called back. It seems he has been in some trouble this week too. Serious trouble it seems. Earlier this week he started having a lot of trouble breathing. Thankfully he called someone this time. He was way low on both blood and iron. They seem to have fixed him back up, filling both of those reserves. Who knows how low he was. He, like me, seems to be able to survive past going well below survival levels of stuff. He, like me, is feeling better, if just gaining his feet too. He needs to do some clothes shopping, not food. I said I could help this afternoon, and let him know he is invited for a spaghetti dinner if that suits him. He isn't sure. He said, regarding the clothes since he has been gaining weight (a good thing, trust me) that when he went to his closet, he couldn't find a thing to wear. He did note women do this every day! Ha! I just suggested that now he knows what women go through! What a larf. Oh, hush women. You know of that which we speak. Iffin you might not think it so grandly hilarious.
I finally woke at 13:30 or so. I feel good. I have some energy back. It's a happy, if late, day. Never mind, I'll do what I can. A shower, perhaps a neck trim, maybe a bit of beard clipping, then the rest of grooming and dressing and I'll be there... in a few hours. I ain't moving fast. I am fully awake, just not... quite able yet. Bah!
Good day.
.
No, I did not finish the dishes. I did not collect $200. I went straight to bed. I had my alarm set. I reset it three times before finally just turning the damned thing off. At least I have enough on the ball that I can be pissed about it. Oh, not too angry, I know how this illness can be. I am not happy though. Never mind.
I saw that my friend called, so I called back. It seems he has been in some trouble this week too. Serious trouble it seems. Earlier this week he started having a lot of trouble breathing. Thankfully he called someone this time. He was way low on both blood and iron. They seem to have fixed him back up, filling both of those reserves. Who knows how low he was. He, like me, seems to be able to survive past going well below survival levels of stuff. He, like me, is feeling better, if just gaining his feet too. He needs to do some clothes shopping, not food. I said I could help this afternoon, and let him know he is invited for a spaghetti dinner if that suits him. He isn't sure. He said, regarding the clothes since he has been gaining weight (a good thing, trust me) that when he went to his closet, he couldn't find a thing to wear. He did note women do this every day! Ha! I just suggested that now he knows what women go through! What a larf. Oh, hush women. You know of that which we speak. Iffin you might not think it so grandly hilarious.
I finally woke at 13:30 or so. I feel good. I have some energy back. It's a happy, if late, day. Never mind, I'll do what I can. A shower, perhaps a neck trim, maybe a bit of beard clipping, then the rest of grooming and dressing and I'll be there... in a few hours. I ain't moving fast. I am fully awake, just not... quite able yet. Bah!
Good day.
Bit by bit.
.
.
While I did do more of the dishes, my ability to stay right on it sank. Still, I finished all save the roaster and dinner dishes. I finally finished enough of my dirty dishes to warrant a steak. Potatoes went in the oven, the steak in my cast iron skillet. Easy to clean stuff. I am going to try to get everything cleaned yet tonight.
A bright sunny day today. I got a lot of things done, actually. I am feeling a bit better, if not as good as last night. Tomorrow, if I can rise, I will do some laundry. Just a load or two, hopefully to be done by the time I need to leave for Mass. After that, a visit with my friend and some shopping. I may even ask if he wants dinner at my place. Spaghetti and meat sauce, American style of course. It only takes an half hour to fix that dish, give or take. The longest thing is getting the gallon and an half of water that I use per pound of spaghetti up to boiling. I don't stew the sauce all day, I don't know that method. It is one of the few foods I use right out of a jar, the sauce. I just wish I had access to my favorite fresh spices, offered in bulk. I hate "canned" spices and herbs, from what I have found. They are often very old and quite brittle, unlike what I am used to. Still, I have a few bulk type spices to freshen the sauce a bit. My friend may not be interested though. And, I understand. Some days are just hard. Perhaps an early call to get his hunger worked up might help.
It does feel good to be getting to some of it again. It does feel good to seem normal again, too. While not quite back to some semblance of normality, I can see it just... there. Those medicines are nasty little beasts. I wonder how many people with a bad heart would feel better on fewer medicines, perhaps be able to return to a more normal life. How many people are needlessly bed-ridden? They have been tricked by doctors who promise the high dosage will be short-term and then just... forget. Many of them being fed medicines by wives and other care-givers, without a thought. "Doctors orders", she sings. They never are short term. Doctors seem to only know how to add. My question though, considering my guess is many doctors know this, is... why? Why do they want to medically disable certain people, usually men, patriarchs? You will have to find your own theories. Since I don't know, and perhaps doctors don't know they are just "following orders" (some of them), you will have to guess for yourself. Perhaps I am wrong. I doubt it. The average doctor wouldn't know, his professors might know though. When trying to understand the puppet, it is best to understand the puppeteer.
Well, good night. Sleep well.
.
While I did do more of the dishes, my ability to stay right on it sank. Still, I finished all save the roaster and dinner dishes. I finally finished enough of my dirty dishes to warrant a steak. Potatoes went in the oven, the steak in my cast iron skillet. Easy to clean stuff. I am going to try to get everything cleaned yet tonight.
A bright sunny day today. I got a lot of things done, actually. I am feeling a bit better, if not as good as last night. Tomorrow, if I can rise, I will do some laundry. Just a load or two, hopefully to be done by the time I need to leave for Mass. After that, a visit with my friend and some shopping. I may even ask if he wants dinner at my place. Spaghetti and meat sauce, American style of course. It only takes an half hour to fix that dish, give or take. The longest thing is getting the gallon and an half of water that I use per pound of spaghetti up to boiling. I don't stew the sauce all day, I don't know that method. It is one of the few foods I use right out of a jar, the sauce. I just wish I had access to my favorite fresh spices, offered in bulk. I hate "canned" spices and herbs, from what I have found. They are often very old and quite brittle, unlike what I am used to. Still, I have a few bulk type spices to freshen the sauce a bit. My friend may not be interested though. And, I understand. Some days are just hard. Perhaps an early call to get his hunger worked up might help.
It does feel good to be getting to some of it again. It does feel good to seem normal again, too. While not quite back to some semblance of normality, I can see it just... there. Those medicines are nasty little beasts. I wonder how many people with a bad heart would feel better on fewer medicines, perhaps be able to return to a more normal life. How many people are needlessly bed-ridden? They have been tricked by doctors who promise the high dosage will be short-term and then just... forget. Many of them being fed medicines by wives and other care-givers, without a thought. "Doctors orders", she sings. They never are short term. Doctors seem to only know how to add. My question though, considering my guess is many doctors know this, is... why? Why do they want to medically disable certain people, usually men, patriarchs? You will have to find your own theories. Since I don't know, and perhaps doctors don't know they are just "following orders" (some of them), you will have to guess for yourself. Perhaps I am wrong. I doubt it. The average doctor wouldn't know, his professors might know though. When trying to understand the puppet, it is best to understand the puppeteer.
Well, good night. Sleep well.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
A bit more.
.
.
A few light loads of dishes, some of the snow sweeping, some visitors, bed made, and the missionaries are about to arrive. Oh, and the garbage and recycling barrels have been brought back in. No, not as much as it seems. The sweeping, what of it I completed, was some work. The rest of it was mostly just... doing it. Right, I also made an appointment with my primary. I have a new doctor now though. Who knows how this will work. Never mind, I am no longer seeing a primary for blood pressure and such. Hopefully there will be no arguments. I just need to discuss a fall, a sprained ankle, ear wax removal (toward which I will start using oil to soften it), and a general checkup. They might want to do a blood draw so I will show up early, just in case.
If I can finish the dishes after this next visitor group I will probably take a nap. I would be taking one now but they will be arriving shortly. Oh, I also found the catechism. I had told them I would look for it. Remember how usually what you are looking for you find in the last place you look (if you are sane?). Well, how many times do you find something that is lost in the first place you look? So it was, I found the catechism in the first and last place I looked. I have been looking for it for weeks, before today, too. But today, bam, there it was.
I really wonder if I am dying. As bad as things sometimes get. It is just with as much practice as I have had I am dying well? *grins* Not fast, not hard, without pain mostly, as if I had a death parachute. Whatever the case, even when I am weak, I am enjoying my little life. I just wish I could recharge my batteries a little faster and fuller and that they would take me a little further. No worries. I'll get through it.
Good day.
.
A few light loads of dishes, some of the snow sweeping, some visitors, bed made, and the missionaries are about to arrive. Oh, and the garbage and recycling barrels have been brought back in. No, not as much as it seems. The sweeping, what of it I completed, was some work. The rest of it was mostly just... doing it. Right, I also made an appointment with my primary. I have a new doctor now though. Who knows how this will work. Never mind, I am no longer seeing a primary for blood pressure and such. Hopefully there will be no arguments. I just need to discuss a fall, a sprained ankle, ear wax removal (toward which I will start using oil to soften it), and a general checkup. They might want to do a blood draw so I will show up early, just in case.
If I can finish the dishes after this next visitor group I will probably take a nap. I would be taking one now but they will be arriving shortly. Oh, I also found the catechism. I had told them I would look for it. Remember how usually what you are looking for you find in the last place you look (if you are sane?). Well, how many times do you find something that is lost in the first place you look? So it was, I found the catechism in the first and last place I looked. I have been looking for it for weeks, before today, too. But today, bam, there it was.
I really wonder if I am dying. As bad as things sometimes get. It is just with as much practice as I have had I am dying well? *grins* Not fast, not hard, without pain mostly, as if I had a death parachute. Whatever the case, even when I am weak, I am enjoying my little life. I just wish I could recharge my batteries a little faster and fuller and that they would take me a little further. No worries. I'll get through it.
Good day.
A good sleep.
.
.
I might have made it up at 9:00, when the alarm went off. But when I went back to bed I went in hard and slept at a weird angle and didn't roll. Ugh. I reset the alarm for 10:30. I got a call sometime before that but couldn't quite get up even then. At 10:30, thankfully, I did wake. I am not sure I will get to much. I have set some things to a fresh soak. If I can just do the dishes I will be happy. Sometime after that and yet today, perhaps, I can have a great meal.
Still a bit cranky, my first 32 ounce glass of fluid has almost gone down. Medicine has been taken. I am dressed and just need to brush my teeth for my routine to be finished. I might get my trash and recycling bins in too, today.
It looks to have snowed lightly again. Perhaps tomorrow, before getting ready for Mass, I might get out and sweep or scoop that. It is just a light snow, powder. I sure hope last night wasn't it. But it might be, for a while. Still, even if I end up getting nothing done I will begin scheduling things. It... usually eventually works, at least as I get better, if I am getting better. No fight dreams in a day or two. I'm catching my breath again.
Later.
.
I might have made it up at 9:00, when the alarm went off. But when I went back to bed I went in hard and slept at a weird angle and didn't roll. Ugh. I reset the alarm for 10:30. I got a call sometime before that but couldn't quite get up even then. At 10:30, thankfully, I did wake. I am not sure I will get to much. I have set some things to a fresh soak. If I can just do the dishes I will be happy. Sometime after that and yet today, perhaps, I can have a great meal.
Still a bit cranky, my first 32 ounce glass of fluid has almost gone down. Medicine has been taken. I am dressed and just need to brush my teeth for my routine to be finished. I might get my trash and recycling bins in too, today.
It looks to have snowed lightly again. Perhaps tomorrow, before getting ready for Mass, I might get out and sweep or scoop that. It is just a light snow, powder. I sure hope last night wasn't it. But it might be, for a while. Still, even if I end up getting nothing done I will begin scheduling things. It... usually eventually works, at least as I get better, if I am getting better. No fight dreams in a day or two. I'm catching my breath again.
Later.
Not quite.
.
.
Not bad either. I have finished two loads of dishes and another is soaking. I will finish that load. Along with a needed shower it seems that I am just about done otherwise. I have pots and pans large storage containers and a roaster to clean yet. I am truly too tired to finish those, bake potatoes, and cook a steak. Tomorrow, perhaps, when I wake up. The good thing is that most of the regular dishes and silverware have been cleaned. Just the annoying large items are left. I may set what of those need it to soak overnight. A fist full of clementines might be my treat for the work. If nothing else I have a huge headstart on what I wanted to do tomorrow.
Even as I tire I feel even better than when I woke. I hope I get some of this tomorrow, I definitely needed at least a minor break from what has been ailing me. I have so much to do, as well, other things. Thankfully, because of the state I was in, I actually have little laundry and only few dishes compared to longer, more serious, falls. If I can just keep up, and I am in line to do that, I will be fine.
Good morning, I suppose. Good night too.
.
Not bad either. I have finished two loads of dishes and another is soaking. I will finish that load. Along with a needed shower it seems that I am just about done otherwise. I have pots and pans large storage containers and a roaster to clean yet. I am truly too tired to finish those, bake potatoes, and cook a steak. Tomorrow, perhaps, when I wake up. The good thing is that most of the regular dishes and silverware have been cleaned. Just the annoying large items are left. I may set what of those need it to soak overnight. A fist full of clementines might be my treat for the work. If nothing else I have a huge headstart on what I wanted to do tomorrow.
Even as I tire I feel even better than when I woke. I hope I get some of this tomorrow, I definitely needed at least a minor break from what has been ailing me. I have so much to do, as well, other things. Thankfully, because of the state I was in, I actually have little laundry and only few dishes compared to longer, more serious, falls. If I can just keep up, and I am in line to do that, I will be fine.
Good morning, I suppose. Good night too.
Well, okay.
.
.
When a window opens, get out. I went to bed at about 21:30. I fell asleep immediately. I had an odd dream. At first I thought it was going to be some kind of horror flick type dream (no worries, my dreams like that are classy, just scary). Nope, it was a dream about a new kind of bug. These people had moved several times, thinking it was the home they lived in. While it was, they carried it with them. I dreamed I was the mister, had a cute wife. But the mister wasn't me (and, no, it wasn't THAT kind of dream). I think we were figuring it out. Anyway, I woke at zero hundred hours on the dot. I think I heard the llama braying, or some other weird noise it makes. Just once. Then again that might have been part of that dream, some other dream, or such.
Since I was awake, I used the facilities. I was not sure if I could go back to bed. Steak? Yes, the notion of eating a steak rolled across my mind. Well, I knew that wasn't going to happen, not with dirty dishes to be washed. Without a thought I found myself in the kitchen loading up a load of dishes to soak and then be washed. If I can get through all, or at least most, of the dishes I will indeed have a steak.
Oh, by the way, trucks, semis, aren't roaring through here all night long anymore. As a fact, I rarely hear one go through. And, a goodly bit ago, when midnight was still early, I noticed why. The police or sheriffs men were on patrol. I think they put a stop to the midnight runs. Good on them. I saw, in my mind, a half-asleep driver running out in front of one, being hit by one of those semis. His vehicle was sent into a house. The semi went on to do serious damage to. Lots of blood and damage and death. At the speed those rigs were going there is no way they could have stopped in time. My mind is at ease now. I swear, I am read by more than I think. It was shortly after writing about this that the police arrived in force.
Since I am up and can't get back to sleep, this works. And more, I really wasn't sure how long before I got to the dishes. While I write down my goals, they are often just hopes. It is always wonderful when I get the chance to work. And I have loved having my home nice and tidy. It still is, mostly. It is a pleasant thing. I don't know if this is a fluke, an early but not lasting event, of if I am beginning to 'thaw' already. I will take what I can get. After dishes, if I still feel like cooking and eating a steak and then do that, I may go right back to bed afterwards and try to get up early and do more tomorrow. Weird how this illness comes and goes.
.
When a window opens, get out. I went to bed at about 21:30. I fell asleep immediately. I had an odd dream. At first I thought it was going to be some kind of horror flick type dream (no worries, my dreams like that are classy, just scary). Nope, it was a dream about a new kind of bug. These people had moved several times, thinking it was the home they lived in. While it was, they carried it with them. I dreamed I was the mister, had a cute wife. But the mister wasn't me (and, no, it wasn't THAT kind of dream). I think we were figuring it out. Anyway, I woke at zero hundred hours on the dot. I think I heard the llama braying, or some other weird noise it makes. Just once. Then again that might have been part of that dream, some other dream, or such.
Since I was awake, I used the facilities. I was not sure if I could go back to bed. Steak? Yes, the notion of eating a steak rolled across my mind. Well, I knew that wasn't going to happen, not with dirty dishes to be washed. Without a thought I found myself in the kitchen loading up a load of dishes to soak and then be washed. If I can get through all, or at least most, of the dishes I will indeed have a steak.
Oh, by the way, trucks, semis, aren't roaring through here all night long anymore. As a fact, I rarely hear one go through. And, a goodly bit ago, when midnight was still early, I noticed why. The police or sheriffs men were on patrol. I think they put a stop to the midnight runs. Good on them. I saw, in my mind, a half-asleep driver running out in front of one, being hit by one of those semis. His vehicle was sent into a house. The semi went on to do serious damage to. Lots of blood and damage and death. At the speed those rigs were going there is no way they could have stopped in time. My mind is at ease now. I swear, I am read by more than I think. It was shortly after writing about this that the police arrived in force.
Since I am up and can't get back to sleep, this works. And more, I really wasn't sure how long before I got to the dishes. While I write down my goals, they are often just hopes. It is always wonderful when I get the chance to work. And I have loved having my home nice and tidy. It still is, mostly. It is a pleasant thing. I don't know if this is a fluke, an early but not lasting event, of if I am beginning to 'thaw' already. I will take what I can get. After dishes, if I still feel like cooking and eating a steak and then do that, I may go right back to bed afterwards and try to get up early and do more tomorrow. Weird how this illness comes and goes.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
A better day.
.
.
I was awake a bit this morning, then took a long nap. I have been awake from then on. I am feeling better. Perhaps the cut in medicine, extra sleep, or both, have seen me to better moments. I can promise nothing. I hope tomorrow I may do the dishes. There will be no big meal this week, I simply can't do it. Perhaps I can make it to town and have my friend go out for dinner with me though. I will swear to nothing. I have been sitting in this chair, and only a little else, for the last week or two or three. Memory goes blank, time passes at great speed, and all I have wanted is sleep or wakefulness. Receiving neither I have ghosted through time.
I have not set up an appointment with my general practitioner yet either. Dishes and that would be good. More than that I dare not hope. Friday I hope to make it to Mass. If I do, that would be a good day to have a meal with my friend. Perhaps the purchase of milk and other drinks, oh, and spaghetti for when I can finally cook the meal. Hungry as a bear I have not eaten more than, perhaps, three or four meals in the last few weeks. Can you be too tired to eat? Yes, I think so.
I finished the last of the LotR trilogy, the movies, tonight. Ah, I do remember halflings, after seeing the second movie. Giant folk. That was always something, before LotR books even, that made me laugh. There is much in the books, and as far as movies can go, much in those too. The author understood some fundamental truths and the moviemaker either understood them, or at least saw fit to represent them correctly.
I see at the end Froto and Bilbo must go. They are tainted, I think. They must be taken away so that what was destroyed cannot manifest itself, somehow, through them. I wonder how many people understand that, or believe they do. After war and such there is a high rate of suicide among those who have known it. Perhaps some simply never were made for what they see. If you make it past the first five years, what then? I suppose each has a different path to follow. It may depend what you have left of friends, family, and something else, something personal, something inside. Yes, the author saw much. He knew so very much. But how?
I had hoped to make potatoes and a steak tonight but I think I will pass. Too tired to eat, again. Maybe when the dishes are washed my hunger will return more strongly than my exhaustion. Perhaps just a glass of milk and more sleep. Good night, I think.
.
I was awake a bit this morning, then took a long nap. I have been awake from then on. I am feeling better. Perhaps the cut in medicine, extra sleep, or both, have seen me to better moments. I can promise nothing. I hope tomorrow I may do the dishes. There will be no big meal this week, I simply can't do it. Perhaps I can make it to town and have my friend go out for dinner with me though. I will swear to nothing. I have been sitting in this chair, and only a little else, for the last week or two or three. Memory goes blank, time passes at great speed, and all I have wanted is sleep or wakefulness. Receiving neither I have ghosted through time.
I have not set up an appointment with my general practitioner yet either. Dishes and that would be good. More than that I dare not hope. Friday I hope to make it to Mass. If I do, that would be a good day to have a meal with my friend. Perhaps the purchase of milk and other drinks, oh, and spaghetti for when I can finally cook the meal. Hungry as a bear I have not eaten more than, perhaps, three or four meals in the last few weeks. Can you be too tired to eat? Yes, I think so.
I finished the last of the LotR trilogy, the movies, tonight. Ah, I do remember halflings, after seeing the second movie. Giant folk. That was always something, before LotR books even, that made me laugh. There is much in the books, and as far as movies can go, much in those too. The author understood some fundamental truths and the moviemaker either understood them, or at least saw fit to represent them correctly.
I see at the end Froto and Bilbo must go. They are tainted, I think. They must be taken away so that what was destroyed cannot manifest itself, somehow, through them. I wonder how many people understand that, or believe they do. After war and such there is a high rate of suicide among those who have known it. Perhaps some simply never were made for what they see. If you make it past the first five years, what then? I suppose each has a different path to follow. It may depend what you have left of friends, family, and something else, something personal, something inside. Yes, the author saw much. He knew so very much. But how?
I had hoped to make potatoes and a steak tonight but I think I will pass. Too tired to eat, again. Maybe when the dishes are washed my hunger will return more strongly than my exhaustion. Perhaps just a glass of milk and more sleep. Good night, I think.
It seems good?
.
.
After sleeping most of yesterday, minus the time for two movies and some blogging, I woke this morning, very shortly after the 9:00 alarm. While it seemed like the alarm was going off 'all morning', I was out of bed after only ten minutes of that annoying sound. I have been reading blogs since. Annoyed with myself I have been erasing comments, mostly. I didn't erase all of them, or everywhere. I may stop commenting regarding politics or social issues for a while. Then again I am not seriously interested in reading about those things either.
I did read one thing that pleased me this morning. I saw a convert from soccer to football. You probably know that sports isn't my thing. Sure, and while that is true, there are levels of sports hell. Soccer is in the lowest of hells. It is not only boring, it is stupid enough that almost anyone can play it. It is what socialism does to sports. I love it when a woman says, "But my daughter plays, and is super at it". I so sorely wish to say, "Right, exactly!". But it would be lost on the poor feminized dear lady. She might be a Tea Partier, she might believe she is conservative, but given how much women's sports are subsidized both from the government and men and boy sports, the truth is she isn't half what she thinks. But to see a Brit come to his senses is a wonderful thing. My real problem with sports is that it has become, if it wasn't always, rigged. Whether by players taking drugs, the outcome being set up by Vegas, or other things that are completely contrary to simply playing a stinking game. I remember, with my brother, when we were kids, arguing about wrestling. I would lay $10 down on a bet that he still thinks "pro" wrestling is real. And of course the others sports have to be real, for sure. Ugh. I love my brother, but regarding sports, brother = rock. :p
At least American sports, if simply allowed to be played, are both fun to play and interesting to watch. Soccer? Urhm, no. A socialist game for a socialist mom. Soccer mom, the term, comes from what I just stated and the fact (if just my belief, or not yet proven) that women are skirt socialists, interested more in equality of outcome (minus their children against other children though, but definitely among their children).
Fine, grumpy and complaining this morning. At least I am up. Then again many people don't read the truth that hurts. That's fine, I think... *knock... knock knock* while I have the podium I am quite alone in here. Hello ello ello lo o o o. Yep. *grins* Shut up, it's fun talking in an empty space. Later.
.
After sleeping most of yesterday, minus the time for two movies and some blogging, I woke this morning, very shortly after the 9:00 alarm. While it seemed like the alarm was going off 'all morning', I was out of bed after only ten minutes of that annoying sound. I have been reading blogs since. Annoyed with myself I have been erasing comments, mostly. I didn't erase all of them, or everywhere. I may stop commenting regarding politics or social issues for a while. Then again I am not seriously interested in reading about those things either.
I did read one thing that pleased me this morning. I saw a convert from soccer to football. You probably know that sports isn't my thing. Sure, and while that is true, there are levels of sports hell. Soccer is in the lowest of hells. It is not only boring, it is stupid enough that almost anyone can play it. It is what socialism does to sports. I love it when a woman says, "But my daughter plays, and is super at it". I so sorely wish to say, "Right, exactly!". But it would be lost on the poor feminized dear lady. She might be a Tea Partier, she might believe she is conservative, but given how much women's sports are subsidized both from the government and men and boy sports, the truth is she isn't half what she thinks. But to see a Brit come to his senses is a wonderful thing. My real problem with sports is that it has become, if it wasn't always, rigged. Whether by players taking drugs, the outcome being set up by Vegas, or other things that are completely contrary to simply playing a stinking game. I remember, with my brother, when we were kids, arguing about wrestling. I would lay $10 down on a bet that he still thinks "pro" wrestling is real. And of course the others sports have to be real, for sure. Ugh. I love my brother, but regarding sports, brother = rock. :p
At least American sports, if simply allowed to be played, are both fun to play and interesting to watch. Soccer? Urhm, no. A socialist game for a socialist mom. Soccer mom, the term, comes from what I just stated and the fact (if just my belief, or not yet proven) that women are skirt socialists, interested more in equality of outcome (minus their children against other children though, but definitely among their children).
Fine, grumpy and complaining this morning. At least I am up. Then again many people don't read the truth that hurts. That's fine, I think... *knock... knock knock* while I have the podium I am quite alone in here. Hello ello ello lo o o o. Yep. *grins* Shut up, it's fun talking in an empty space. Later.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Oh, some notions about the movie.
.
.
The Lord of the Rings trilogy was one of my favorites, along with The Hobbit. For some people that is the only old fiction, myth, and mix of such that they know. I myself have read of elves, dwarves, orcs, and all but hobbit before reading the trilogy, plus. I suppose in my previous readings hobbits would be, physically, gnomes. Gnomes, however, were either magical or at least highly intelligent, unlike hobbits. Never mind that part.
I see Gandalf the Grey, as I see things from story and myth, would have been more of a pagan, earth centered, magic user. Somewhere between a high pagan priest and a magic user or wizard. His use of the moth (a very favored symbol of earth type worship, a very pagan symbol) and rocs (very large eagles, give or take) and such. The white wizard, before he was corrupted, would have been more like what we might consider a priest or pastor (albeit, of course, in a world of magic). He would have been about good things, human things, rightfulness and truth. When the holy man is corrupted, the nature magician (commonly known as a druid), must pass through much pain and harrowing war and death to achieve the title of 'white' (or good). Myth and truth mixed in a very nearly magical tale, just unto itself.
The orcs, goblins, and others are known to me. The fighting uruk hai were new to me. I hold much in common with their creation. There are differences too. The differences are greater. This group interests me, as a change in the old school monster paradigm. Evil troops which could move at speed in the daylight. If you are a bit of a war-gamer, imagine having never heard of motorized cavalry, or helicopter cav. The dynamic of those would be... mind expanding on your war board. So too the uruk hai. I was well into myth and legend and history before finally reading the LotR trilogy. These were interesting new elements.
The tale is such a fine mix of myth, legend, history, and wisdom that I am always re-remembering something, connecting new ideas to old, and their ideas to reality. The possibility of destruction, understanding we are on the brink of disaster with only hope to carry us over, knowing that those who could help us, the powerful, must also tend their own greed, avarice, and thirst for power... "Do not tempt me, Froto"! "You offer the ring willingly"? As a people, as little people, we must carry our own weights, our crosses, sometimes, often. We cannot hand them off to others, not without great risk of losing everything else. How few among our leadership know this?
I just had to write just a bit about these things. They are not important. It is just that I have no one else to share them with. Sad thing is, few do. It is a truth of life that we walk through it alone, even if married with a dozen children. It is just that in such cases people are so busy they do not seem to notice. I notice. This is my place to speak in the hopes of more than being heard but being understood.
Good night, I think.
.
The Lord of the Rings trilogy was one of my favorites, along with The Hobbit. For some people that is the only old fiction, myth, and mix of such that they know. I myself have read of elves, dwarves, orcs, and all but hobbit before reading the trilogy, plus. I suppose in my previous readings hobbits would be, physically, gnomes. Gnomes, however, were either magical or at least highly intelligent, unlike hobbits. Never mind that part.
I see Gandalf the Grey, as I see things from story and myth, would have been more of a pagan, earth centered, magic user. Somewhere between a high pagan priest and a magic user or wizard. His use of the moth (a very favored symbol of earth type worship, a very pagan symbol) and rocs (very large eagles, give or take) and such. The white wizard, before he was corrupted, would have been more like what we might consider a priest or pastor (albeit, of course, in a world of magic). He would have been about good things, human things, rightfulness and truth. When the holy man is corrupted, the nature magician (commonly known as a druid), must pass through much pain and harrowing war and death to achieve the title of 'white' (or good). Myth and truth mixed in a very nearly magical tale, just unto itself.
The orcs, goblins, and others are known to me. The fighting uruk hai were new to me. I hold much in common with their creation. There are differences too. The differences are greater. This group interests me, as a change in the old school monster paradigm. Evil troops which could move at speed in the daylight. If you are a bit of a war-gamer, imagine having never heard of motorized cavalry, or helicopter cav. The dynamic of those would be... mind expanding on your war board. So too the uruk hai. I was well into myth and legend and history before finally reading the LotR trilogy. These were interesting new elements.
The tale is such a fine mix of myth, legend, history, and wisdom that I am always re-remembering something, connecting new ideas to old, and their ideas to reality. The possibility of destruction, understanding we are on the brink of disaster with only hope to carry us over, knowing that those who could help us, the powerful, must also tend their own greed, avarice, and thirst for power... "Do not tempt me, Froto"! "You offer the ring willingly"? As a people, as little people, we must carry our own weights, our crosses, sometimes, often. We cannot hand them off to others, not without great risk of losing everything else. How few among our leadership know this?
I just had to write just a bit about these things. They are not important. It is just that I have no one else to share them with. Sad thing is, few do. It is a truth of life that we walk through it alone, even if married with a dozen children. It is just that in such cases people are so busy they do not seem to notice. I notice. This is my place to speak in the hopes of more than being heard but being understood.
Good night, I think.
Sleep.
.
.
Lots of sleep. I woke for a short bit this afternoon. I blogged, I fell. Back to sleep until slightly after 18:00. A bit of food and then a movie. Carolers arrived, quite a nice event. So cold tonight, so brave the singers! I thanked them, and I think I wished them a Merry Christmas. I sure hope I did, I can't remember much these days, and not for long. If I had known they were coming I would have had hot cocoa and warmed cider for them. Yeah, I like the old ways and days. I just can't hop and skip to get something going right at the moment and on the spur of the moment.
I watched the first in The Lord of the Rings series. I might watch another before going back to bed. I am just not doing well.
I suggested trying to cut down on fluid intake. That isn't working well at all. Beside increasing exhaustion I my urine has gone from nearly clear to dark yellow and finally to a brownish (bloody looking) dark yellow. No, I best keep drinking. Perhaps cutting medicines will work. I will begin that regimen this evening. I cut my morning medicine in half a while ago, to great success. I have faltered since then. Perhaps I have taken as much as I can for as long as I can though too. These medicines are brutal, regardless of what the doctors might suggest. What else can I honestly do?
Later or, if possible, good night.
.
Lots of sleep. I woke for a short bit this afternoon. I blogged, I fell. Back to sleep until slightly after 18:00. A bit of food and then a movie. Carolers arrived, quite a nice event. So cold tonight, so brave the singers! I thanked them, and I think I wished them a Merry Christmas. I sure hope I did, I can't remember much these days, and not for long. If I had known they were coming I would have had hot cocoa and warmed cider for them. Yeah, I like the old ways and days. I just can't hop and skip to get something going right at the moment and on the spur of the moment.
I watched the first in The Lord of the Rings series. I might watch another before going back to bed. I am just not doing well.
I suggested trying to cut down on fluid intake. That isn't working well at all. Beside increasing exhaustion I my urine has gone from nearly clear to dark yellow and finally to a brownish (bloody looking) dark yellow. No, I best keep drinking. Perhaps cutting medicines will work. I will begin that regimen this evening. I cut my morning medicine in half a while ago, to great success. I have faltered since then. Perhaps I have taken as much as I can for as long as I can though too. These medicines are brutal, regardless of what the doctors might suggest. What else can I honestly do?
Later or, if possible, good night.
That might work.
.
.
When I fall I often forget I have medicines to tinker with. I have been taking them rather faithfully. I am at a point, however, where my back is against the wall. I need some relief. Fine, if dropping them all at once is not preferred, and restarting them whole hog is just as bad, how about a minor reduction in the medicine I think is the culprit? Okay, fair enough. So that is just what I will do. Instead of a whole carvedilol at night, I will take half of one.
I do wonder how much the season has to do with things? Winters have always been more difficult, summers easier. Perhaps that has just been reactions to medicines though there is enough evidence to indicate my issues are more than just medicine. It seems to happen even when I am taking nothing. I have wondered what living in a tropical "paradise" would do. I think it would boost things for a while, then the reaction would wear off and something else would become the cyclical cause of exhaustion. That would be my guess. I simply have periods where more rest is needed, function is interrupted. I still suspect a rolling 'brown-out' of various organs and tissues as my heart rotates around which parts get what of that which my heart can give. I don't think there is a way, save through something monstrous like a heart transplant, which because of the other factors would kill me even quicker, that would help. If I can't handle the medicines I am on now there is no way I could handle the stuff they would give me after such a Frankenstein thing.
Odd how, even being rather vociferous about something, when I get tired enough I forget that a minor cut in medicine might help me back to function. How can I forget so soon? Then again I am not positive a cut in medicine, at this point, will do anything. It is worth a shot though, to my mind. After 25 years of bad medicine I have given up on any real faith in the field. I am, at this point, just trying to enjoy my last bits of time here, long as that may actually be. I am not in it for longevity. Technically the game is already over. At this point I am merely trying to stay on my feet as long as I can and do some of those little things I like to do. Sleeping all night and still being too tired to do much else all day is not one of my pet projects.
If lowering medicines works it will take a week or two for me to more than just feel better, but to get back to work. I hate the slow road but, after a little research because of the doctor's reaction to my quitting for three days then restarting whole hog, I sort of have a responsibility (when I am capable of choice that is) of not doing that. Both actions truly are potentially lethal. And I am definitely not suicidal. Headstrong, stubborn, ornery, sure, but not that other. Further, I know they are trying to get me put into a ward. Not because I "have issues" but because they believe I could go on full dose of their medicine that way and there is no other way they can get me in for long term care. They can't hospitalize me for three months, not just for my heart or reaction to meds. I realize I have to be careful with these people, even if they are... thinking outside of the box and sort of on my side. It seems both their and my hands are tied, unfortunately. Anyway, a slow reduction it is.
Later or good night.
.
When I fall I often forget I have medicines to tinker with. I have been taking them rather faithfully. I am at a point, however, where my back is against the wall. I need some relief. Fine, if dropping them all at once is not preferred, and restarting them whole hog is just as bad, how about a minor reduction in the medicine I think is the culprit? Okay, fair enough. So that is just what I will do. Instead of a whole carvedilol at night, I will take half of one.
I do wonder how much the season has to do with things? Winters have always been more difficult, summers easier. Perhaps that has just been reactions to medicines though there is enough evidence to indicate my issues are more than just medicine. It seems to happen even when I am taking nothing. I have wondered what living in a tropical "paradise" would do. I think it would boost things for a while, then the reaction would wear off and something else would become the cyclical cause of exhaustion. That would be my guess. I simply have periods where more rest is needed, function is interrupted. I still suspect a rolling 'brown-out' of various organs and tissues as my heart rotates around which parts get what of that which my heart can give. I don't think there is a way, save through something monstrous like a heart transplant, which because of the other factors would kill me even quicker, that would help. If I can't handle the medicines I am on now there is no way I could handle the stuff they would give me after such a Frankenstein thing.
Odd how, even being rather vociferous about something, when I get tired enough I forget that a minor cut in medicine might help me back to function. How can I forget so soon? Then again I am not positive a cut in medicine, at this point, will do anything. It is worth a shot though, to my mind. After 25 years of bad medicine I have given up on any real faith in the field. I am, at this point, just trying to enjoy my last bits of time here, long as that may actually be. I am not in it for longevity. Technically the game is already over. At this point I am merely trying to stay on my feet as long as I can and do some of those little things I like to do. Sleeping all night and still being too tired to do much else all day is not one of my pet projects.
If lowering medicines works it will take a week or two for me to more than just feel better, but to get back to work. I hate the slow road but, after a little research because of the doctor's reaction to my quitting for three days then restarting whole hog, I sort of have a responsibility (when I am capable of choice that is) of not doing that. Both actions truly are potentially lethal. And I am definitely not suicidal. Headstrong, stubborn, ornery, sure, but not that other. Further, I know they are trying to get me put into a ward. Not because I "have issues" but because they believe I could go on full dose of their medicine that way and there is no other way they can get me in for long term care. They can't hospitalize me for three months, not just for my heart or reaction to meds. I realize I have to be careful with these people, even if they are... thinking outside of the box and sort of on my side. It seems both their and my hands are tied, unfortunately. Anyway, a slow reduction it is.
Later or good night.
No sleep.
.
.
I sort of like Bill, Whittle that is. He is interesting to watch, has at least one solid point to put things into perspective, and backs up what he says. Here are several that, well, you decide.
There are more.
.
I sort of like Bill, Whittle that is. He is interesting to watch, has at least one solid point to put things into perspective, and backs up what he says. Here are several that, well, you decide.
There are more.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Trying to smooth out life?
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.
I think I dreamed again last night, again of fighting. I don't remember much, just what I have written. And I seriously cramped in my lower legs. I am wondering if I have been cramping in my dreams but not remembering it. My possibly sprained ankle... I think the cramps are keeping it from getting better. The pace in my dreams... Being tight all the time, both in sleep and while awake... I am almost surprised, after a week or two of these dreams most nights that I haven't had a heart attack. I must not be as vulnerable to that as I thought.
I was discussing women, and their humor (or as I have suggested lack of it). And, yeah, I do love making women laugh. Even the ones who "hate me". *laughing* Oh, and edgy humor is the absolute best. Getting a woman to break down and almost pee her pants, especially when she tries hard not to (though that mood can make it easier), that is something I really like. Unlike some men, I love a woman with a deep solid sense of humor, too. I don't even mind being one of the targets if she captures my occasional stupidity right. But too, I like to be able to make a woman cry. I like knowing her buttons. Don't tell me you are just 'the funniest woman ever', show me. If I stick with a woman I will know, or learn, how to turn all her various reactions on. She will laugh, oh yes she will. She will cry too, right down to her soul.
Since ignoring the fight themes doesn't seem to fix the problem I am going to try desensitizing. The movie 300 might help. Yesterday it was Screamers (not the silly college ones) and earlier it was Hellboy. I am amazed at how many similarities there are between Hellboy and myself, cutting out the fiction, mostly. Clint Eastwood and John Wayne don't quite cut it. Captain and Commander, Hellboy, and a few others are more amenable to my needs these days. I don't watch sports or boxing in particular anymore. I think too much of it is rigged. Well, on to my show. Then, maybe, if the Lord is willing to give this poor fool a break, on to bed.
Good night.
.
I think I dreamed again last night, again of fighting. I don't remember much, just what I have written. And I seriously cramped in my lower legs. I am wondering if I have been cramping in my dreams but not remembering it. My possibly sprained ankle... I think the cramps are keeping it from getting better. The pace in my dreams... Being tight all the time, both in sleep and while awake... I am almost surprised, after a week or two of these dreams most nights that I haven't had a heart attack. I must not be as vulnerable to that as I thought.
I was discussing women, and their humor (or as I have suggested lack of it). And, yeah, I do love making women laugh. Even the ones who "hate me". *laughing* Oh, and edgy humor is the absolute best. Getting a woman to break down and almost pee her pants, especially when she tries hard not to (though that mood can make it easier), that is something I really like. Unlike some men, I love a woman with a deep solid sense of humor, too. I don't even mind being one of the targets if she captures my occasional stupidity right. But too, I like to be able to make a woman cry. I like knowing her buttons. Don't tell me you are just 'the funniest woman ever', show me. If I stick with a woman I will know, or learn, how to turn all her various reactions on. She will laugh, oh yes she will. She will cry too, right down to her soul.
Since ignoring the fight themes doesn't seem to fix the problem I am going to try desensitizing. The movie 300 might help. Yesterday it was Screamers (not the silly college ones) and earlier it was Hellboy. I am amazed at how many similarities there are between Hellboy and myself, cutting out the fiction, mostly. Clint Eastwood and John Wayne don't quite cut it. Captain and Commander, Hellboy, and a few others are more amenable to my needs these days. I don't watch sports or boxing in particular anymore. I think too much of it is rigged. Well, on to my show. Then, maybe, if the Lord is willing to give this poor fool a break, on to bed.
Good night.
Wha?
.
.
Yes, still awake. And most likely I will be for a while. At least I took care of what was becoming a headache. The trash and recycling was collected, put in the bins, and the bins have been set out for the trucks tomorrow. Yes, the cat litter too. Oh, and I finally remember to get a batch of beans and old hamburger out. Well, at least that took care of the stink from cat litter. I can't smell that anymore. *gag* Just desserts I suppose. Being a cripple gets me no points in my own book on accounts.
I started looking around at woodworking tools. You knowI would almost directly find one of the king of wood working toys, don't you? I also looked over various tools. Some of them are outrageous. I saw minor seeming kits for $250 and up. No, I think I can go a little lower end. Sure, if the hobby began to pay serious money I might look into better tools if they happened to honestly be more than brand expense, such as making better woods easier to carve, hold edges much longer, or such. A couple of carving knives, a wooden mallet, and some stock is all it would take. Oh, and the primary wood, for beginner on up to master is not that expensive either. Mostly. A 10' by 4" by 4" would cost about $42, plus shipping (though I could probably find it locally, a little more expensive but it might negate through shipping costs?). Never mind. It is just something that has been on my mind for some time, in the background. It might lead to a more productive eating of time. I am not sure I have the patience for it though. Here is the machine. What a way to begin adding to the decor of a home. Door panels, inlays, who knows.
I know I would like to tinker more with electronic kits, to actually make useful items and learn. But electronics can be a devastatingly expensive hobby. Getting exactly what you need is much more expensive then getting bundles of stuff, per task. But buying in bundles might mean you get a huge selection of items you might never use. It is difficult to know which way to go with that. I've tinkered before. Now, with television gone, I am looking for something else to do.
I found a neat song while looking around. It reminds me of back when fighting was fun, before people were broken and and nerves became shattered. Bravado, punching, no real consequences. Yeah, this song reminds me a great deal of those early days. Believe it or not it all turned bad by 3rd grade, if I had a few fights after then that I really enjoyed. My favorite fight that I remember was in Greeley, Colorado, well other than the k.o.'s. I was... in the 4rth grade. A 7th grader was picking on my big brother (he always tried to hide that stuff from me, but I usually found out). He was my beat-down-toy (something I greatly regret, mind you). I never liked to share. Anyway, I found the guy after school. Problem is he was with a bunch of kids, or they showed up. Something. I thought I was going to get killed but it was too late. I just hoped I could get some serious smack down on him before I was slaughtered. Nope, they just circled us in and let us go at it. Off school grounds, where adults knew better than to trouble us. I absolutely mashed him. A few days later the principle called him and myself in "for a talk". F', I thought I was going to get kicked out, again. Nope, he just had us shake hands. The guys face, and he was a good bit bigger than me, was bruised everywhere. I did have a minor scratch over my right eye, that was it. *grins* I remember, toward the end of that fight, he went to kick me and just collapsed. Anyway, here is the song.
Can't sleep. It just isn't happening. I don't know if it is the weather, the funk, falling, or what. But my days and nights are inverting again. I'll keep working on it. Good day. Well, actually, good night. Though have a good day when you read this.
.
Yes, still awake. And most likely I will be for a while. At least I took care of what was becoming a headache. The trash and recycling was collected, put in the bins, and the bins have been set out for the trucks tomorrow. Yes, the cat litter too. Oh, and I finally remember to get a batch of beans and old hamburger out. Well, at least that took care of the stink from cat litter. I can't smell that anymore. *gag* Just desserts I suppose. Being a cripple gets me no points in my own book on accounts.
I started looking around at woodworking tools. You knowI would almost directly find one of the king of wood working toys, don't you? I also looked over various tools. Some of them are outrageous. I saw minor seeming kits for $250 and up. No, I think I can go a little lower end. Sure, if the hobby began to pay serious money I might look into better tools if they happened to honestly be more than brand expense, such as making better woods easier to carve, hold edges much longer, or such. A couple of carving knives, a wooden mallet, and some stock is all it would take. Oh, and the primary wood, for beginner on up to master is not that expensive either. Mostly. A 10' by 4" by 4" would cost about $42, plus shipping (though I could probably find it locally, a little more expensive but it might negate through shipping costs?). Never mind. It is just something that has been on my mind for some time, in the background. It might lead to a more productive eating of time. I am not sure I have the patience for it though. Here is the machine. What a way to begin adding to the decor of a home. Door panels, inlays, who knows.
I know I would like to tinker more with electronic kits, to actually make useful items and learn. But electronics can be a devastatingly expensive hobby. Getting exactly what you need is much more expensive then getting bundles of stuff, per task. But buying in bundles might mean you get a huge selection of items you might never use. It is difficult to know which way to go with that. I've tinkered before. Now, with television gone, I am looking for something else to do.
I found a neat song while looking around. It reminds me of back when fighting was fun, before people were broken and and nerves became shattered. Bravado, punching, no real consequences. Yeah, this song reminds me a great deal of those early days. Believe it or not it all turned bad by 3rd grade, if I had a few fights after then that I really enjoyed. My favorite fight that I remember was in Greeley, Colorado, well other than the k.o.'s. I was... in the 4rth grade. A 7th grader was picking on my big brother (he always tried to hide that stuff from me, but I usually found out). He was my beat-down-toy (something I greatly regret, mind you). I never liked to share. Anyway, I found the guy after school. Problem is he was with a bunch of kids, or they showed up. Something. I thought I was going to get killed but it was too late. I just hoped I could get some serious smack down on him before I was slaughtered. Nope, they just circled us in and let us go at it. Off school grounds, where adults knew better than to trouble us. I absolutely mashed him. A few days later the principle called him and myself in "for a talk". F', I thought I was going to get kicked out, again. Nope, he just had us shake hands. The guys face, and he was a good bit bigger than me, was bruised everywhere. I did have a minor scratch over my right eye, that was it. *grins* I remember, toward the end of that fight, he went to kick me and just collapsed. Anyway, here is the song.
Can't sleep. It just isn't happening. I don't know if it is the weather, the funk, falling, or what. But my days and nights are inverting again. I'll keep working on it. Good day. Well, actually, good night. Though have a good day when you read this.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Oh well.
.
.
I actually glided on my path to being to Church on time. With the time plan in place, my shower was taken on time, I dressed and groomed right on schedule. I was about five minutes behind getting into the vehicle. I simply kept forgetting where this was, what I wanted to take with me, then finding that and losing something else in the process, forcing me to stop and remember what I had dropped, then where. Never mind, that was all built in. I had plenty of time. I arrived 20 minutes, plus, early. Dark. All dark. Perhaps, being a campus Church, everyone showed up at the last minute? I entered, found the lights for the vestibule. I peeked into the sanctuary. No lights on in there, either. I decided to wait in the vestibule for others to arrive. I remembered seeing a sign on the door, no Mass December 18, 25, and so on. It... it isn't already December 18th is it? I read through one of remaining pamphlets handed out as Mass lets out from last week. Hum-ho... It... it is December 18th, isn't it. Yeah, it is. So, off with the lights, out the door, and on to what else I had planned. *shrug* And I looked good, too. Not handsome, or even rugged, just dressed up as well as a tank can be. The top of the line of my Sunday best.
I stopped for a sandwich, did a bit of shopping after, then headed home. Catching my reflection I realize I look more like a "pro" than a churchgoer. Oh well. At least my beard covers some of the ugly. And being nearly white, it takes away most of the aggression. I am turning into Santa! One thing of note, even as tired as I am, if I shop at my pace (a jog, at least for women) I don't get tired. I was lugging around two gallons of milk, eight pounds of hamburger, and a half dozen other items in a carry cart. As long as I kept moving at my pace I didn't weary a bit. Weird, that. It seems I only get dizzy when I go at too slow of a pace. I don't understand these things.
I really need to get the trash and recycling out, remembering for sure to get the cat litter changed too. Poor cats, I think this is... three weeks. Yeah, I know, but... I simply couldn't get to it. I'm dying on the vine here. Yeah, I definitely need a checkup. And probably an oil change and a new CPU. Ha!
Good night, if I can figure out how to get to sleep. Well, yes, of course, after tending the cat litter. *of course*
.
I actually glided on my path to being to Church on time. With the time plan in place, my shower was taken on time, I dressed and groomed right on schedule. I was about five minutes behind getting into the vehicle. I simply kept forgetting where this was, what I wanted to take with me, then finding that and losing something else in the process, forcing me to stop and remember what I had dropped, then where. Never mind, that was all built in. I had plenty of time. I arrived 20 minutes, plus, early. Dark. All dark. Perhaps, being a campus Church, everyone showed up at the last minute? I entered, found the lights for the vestibule. I peeked into the sanctuary. No lights on in there, either. I decided to wait in the vestibule for others to arrive. I remembered seeing a sign on the door, no Mass December 18, 25, and so on. It... it isn't already December 18th is it? I read through one of remaining pamphlets handed out as Mass lets out from last week. Hum-ho... It... it is December 18th, isn't it. Yeah, it is. So, off with the lights, out the door, and on to what else I had planned. *shrug* And I looked good, too. Not handsome, or even rugged, just dressed up as well as a tank can be. The top of the line of my Sunday best.
I stopped for a sandwich, did a bit of shopping after, then headed home. Catching my reflection I realize I look more like a "pro" than a churchgoer. Oh well. At least my beard covers some of the ugly. And being nearly white, it takes away most of the aggression. I am turning into Santa! One thing of note, even as tired as I am, if I shop at my pace (a jog, at least for women) I don't get tired. I was lugging around two gallons of milk, eight pounds of hamburger, and a half dozen other items in a carry cart. As long as I kept moving at my pace I didn't weary a bit. Weird, that. It seems I only get dizzy when I go at too slow of a pace. I don't understand these things.
I really need to get the trash and recycling out, remembering for sure to get the cat litter changed too. Poor cats, I think this is... three weeks. Yeah, I know, but... I simply couldn't get to it. I'm dying on the vine here. Yeah, I definitely need a checkup. And probably an oil change and a new CPU. Ha!
Good night, if I can figure out how to get to sleep. Well, yes, of course, after tending the cat litter. *of course*
The lady friend.
.
.
I got a call today. Calls are unusual. It seems her cd player is working again. She is one of those women who can find using a functional toaster complicated. What do you mean I have to plug it in? Why doesn't the bread go down? Isn't it automatic? *sigh* It was one of her more endearing qualities to be honest. It meant that I had some use even though I slept much of the time and had difficulties waking up. I remember many a "It doesn't work! Stupid thing!", and a response along the lines of, sigh, give it here. "NO, I CAN DO IT"! An hour later I would have a pacified by failure woman/girl sidling up to me and asking if I could fix it, or make it work? Sometimes it took a great deal of work to undo her efforts but usually I would just turn it on, maybe plugging it in first, then making her face shine as I made her toy or tool work, or work again. She was definitely an anti-engineering type, a natural. I finally realized she really didn't grok 'things'. She thought I was magic, and because of my politics, probably black magic. *smiles* As with engineering so went her logic, reasoning, understanding of history, and both big and little economic realities. No, and I don't expect most women to be too much different, not from my experience with women. They do have their talents though, she was quite good and prettifying a home.
So, she doesn't need a new cd player, or my new used one. And, really, she sounded pretty weak about the powerball. She wanted it but it didn't sound like she would ever use it. So I won't send either. Money is too tight to send something she just wants about at the same level that I want, especially after such an expensive gift already sent. She did surprise me though. She asked what I wanted. I wasn't sure how much she could afford so I told her about this. If that one is too much, I suggested they have a couple of others, the electronic book would be fine as well, and it is a bit less expensive. She said that, being broke and all, I might not get it in time for Christmas. If you have read here you ought to know by now that I consider every day Christmas. I don't care if it doesn't arrive until July, if I would like it sooner. She should know that by now. On most things I am the most forgiving of people. Just don't be stupid around me, on purpose, in spite of proof. Don't.
Now that I have socks tended, having enough to last me a month and a half even wearing two pairs a day on half of my days and changing them every day, and all wool of various thicknesses I have to begin thinking up other gifts. Little things. I don't have any givers who could quite afford to get me a set of DeWalt 20v power tools, a table saw, a miter saw, or... any big toy. So, what little things could I reasonably ask for? I keep being drawn to the notion of carving. Just little stuff, but on a more serious level. I haven't looked into kits or how-too's, but that might be something to offer people. It might even be cheap. Well, and minor electrical kits, with chips and wires and components. And there are still some blank spaces in my minor tool inventory. Plus they keep coming out with some of the neatest little handyman gadgets. I'm thinking $40 or down to $10, give or take. I come from humble stock, if you know what I mean.
I am trying to cut down on my fluid intake. If I can get it down, perhaps I could cut down on my water pill dose. The thing is I am always, horribly, definitely, thirsty. I can drink 32 ounces in a single sip usually. Drinking doesn't slake the thirst, though. Nothing I have tasted quite cuts the dry in my throat. I am sort of stuck chugging fluid, of any kind. *gulp* *big gulp*
I best start focusing. To be to church by 18:00 I will need to leave here by 17:15 at the latest. I need an half hour to shower, groom and dress, at least if I am in slow mode (which I am). It is 15:45 so I have an hour an half. Ugh. I really just want to sit here and not move. I will do some shopping and buy a drive-through dinner as my gift for getting out, making Mass. Bribes certainly have some impact. And while I am not usually eating at home I can eat out rather more easily if I am not eating all of even that.
Later.
.
I got a call today. Calls are unusual. It seems her cd player is working again. She is one of those women who can find using a functional toaster complicated. What do you mean I have to plug it in? Why doesn't the bread go down? Isn't it automatic? *sigh* It was one of her more endearing qualities to be honest. It meant that I had some use even though I slept much of the time and had difficulties waking up. I remember many a "It doesn't work! Stupid thing!", and a response along the lines of, sigh, give it here. "NO, I CAN DO IT"! An hour later I would have a pacified by failure woman/girl sidling up to me and asking if I could fix it, or make it work? Sometimes it took a great deal of work to undo her efforts but usually I would just turn it on, maybe plugging it in first, then making her face shine as I made her toy or tool work, or work again. She was definitely an anti-engineering type, a natural. I finally realized she really didn't grok 'things'. She thought I was magic, and because of my politics, probably black magic. *smiles* As with engineering so went her logic, reasoning, understanding of history, and both big and little economic realities. No, and I don't expect most women to be too much different, not from my experience with women. They do have their talents though, she was quite good and prettifying a home.
So, she doesn't need a new cd player, or my new used one. And, really, she sounded pretty weak about the powerball. She wanted it but it didn't sound like she would ever use it. So I won't send either. Money is too tight to send something she just wants about at the same level that I want, especially after such an expensive gift already sent. She did surprise me though. She asked what I wanted. I wasn't sure how much she could afford so I told her about this. If that one is too much, I suggested they have a couple of others, the electronic book would be fine as well, and it is a bit less expensive. She said that, being broke and all, I might not get it in time for Christmas. If you have read here you ought to know by now that I consider every day Christmas. I don't care if it doesn't arrive until July, if I would like it sooner. She should know that by now. On most things I am the most forgiving of people. Just don't be stupid around me, on purpose, in spite of proof. Don't.
Now that I have socks tended, having enough to last me a month and a half even wearing two pairs a day on half of my days and changing them every day, and all wool of various thicknesses I have to begin thinking up other gifts. Little things. I don't have any givers who could quite afford to get me a set of DeWalt 20v power tools, a table saw, a miter saw, or... any big toy. So, what little things could I reasonably ask for? I keep being drawn to the notion of carving. Just little stuff, but on a more serious level. I haven't looked into kits or how-too's, but that might be something to offer people. It might even be cheap. Well, and minor electrical kits, with chips and wires and components. And there are still some blank spaces in my minor tool inventory. Plus they keep coming out with some of the neatest little handyman gadgets. I'm thinking $40 or down to $10, give or take. I come from humble stock, if you know what I mean.
I am trying to cut down on my fluid intake. If I can get it down, perhaps I could cut down on my water pill dose. The thing is I am always, horribly, definitely, thirsty. I can drink 32 ounces in a single sip usually. Drinking doesn't slake the thirst, though. Nothing I have tasted quite cuts the dry in my throat. I am sort of stuck chugging fluid, of any kind. *gulp* *big gulp*
I best start focusing. To be to church by 18:00 I will need to leave here by 17:15 at the latest. I need an half hour to shower, groom and dress, at least if I am in slow mode (which I am). It is 15:45 so I have an hour an half. Ugh. I really just want to sit here and not move. I will do some shopping and buy a drive-through dinner as my gift for getting out, making Mass. Bribes certainly have some impact. And while I am not usually eating at home I can eat out rather more easily if I am not eating all of even that.
Later.
No dice.
.
.
In spite of my troubles I set the alarms, and set in my mind, to wake early this morning. The goal was 10:00 Mass. I think I finally rolled out of bed somewhere in around noon. Decidedly after but I am not sure how far after. I had thought about rolling around the clock by staying up all night but I don't have the reserves for that. I will make it to Mass this evening. I have been keeping the Sabbath lately and I mean to keep it that way. My goal is making a Sunday morning Mass, at least several times a month though. It'll happen.
I don't remember dreaming at all last night and the bed doesn't look like bison trekked through it. I am not sure if the perceived troubles are related to the dreams. I can see how they would be. I can also see how they might be totally unrelated. Just because something makes common sense doesn't mean it is correct. Common sense is more sure than science these days but it was never an absolute sure thing.
I am still exhausted. I realize I have been eating very little. I need to fix that, but how? If your body just doesn't feel like food it is difficult to put it in sometimes. Maybe start with smaller bits for meals. Whatever else is going on I do think it is time for a checkup. When I call I will ask if they will do a complete blood check-up, adding in those supplements I am taking. I want to make sure I am not inadvertently overdosing. I also want to make sure I am taking sufficient amounts. When you flood out like I have been, sometimes those vitamins simply don't have time to be absorbed.
Over at Helen's I saw a neat magazine type thing for tinkerers. If you are a typical man/boy, it might be interesting. Even if you have a thousand and one ongoing projects, I almost have to think there might be ideas which could work with those projects. I haven't looked too deeply into them yet, it just looks to have some potential. I don't, therefore, know how practical the projects are, how high end or silly they might be. Some people spend all their available income on things that I certainly wouldn't consider undertaking. Just as some men spend all their money on guns, reloading a dozen calibers, and making a .22 shoot ragged holes at a hundred yards. Still, I have to think that the ideas therein might be worth the risk of the cost of the magazine.
Ugh, if I can just wake up! My awake time has been dim and my sleep has been weak. I can't seem to fully get into either gear. I am sleeping regular, or more, hours. I just can't... I feel like I am running through a swamp. Why can't they just figure out how to give us tuneups? New plugs, an oil change, change the filters, retool the transmission and change that fluid. Yeah. I do worry, perhaps, that the problem with some in the group is me. Am I tainted beyond hope? Then again, I am positive that I am getting put down by a few of those guys. But could that just be how I present or do they read here, or does my reputation precede me in some other way, rightly or wrongly on any or all of that? I don't know. I will deal with it openly and honestly though.
Have a great day!
.
In spite of my troubles I set the alarms, and set in my mind, to wake early this morning. The goal was 10:00 Mass. I think I finally rolled out of bed somewhere in around noon. Decidedly after but I am not sure how far after. I had thought about rolling around the clock by staying up all night but I don't have the reserves for that. I will make it to Mass this evening. I have been keeping the Sabbath lately and I mean to keep it that way. My goal is making a Sunday morning Mass, at least several times a month though. It'll happen.
I don't remember dreaming at all last night and the bed doesn't look like bison trekked through it. I am not sure if the perceived troubles are related to the dreams. I can see how they would be. I can also see how they might be totally unrelated. Just because something makes common sense doesn't mean it is correct. Common sense is more sure than science these days but it was never an absolute sure thing.
I am still exhausted. I realize I have been eating very little. I need to fix that, but how? If your body just doesn't feel like food it is difficult to put it in sometimes. Maybe start with smaller bits for meals. Whatever else is going on I do think it is time for a checkup. When I call I will ask if they will do a complete blood check-up, adding in those supplements I am taking. I want to make sure I am not inadvertently overdosing. I also want to make sure I am taking sufficient amounts. When you flood out like I have been, sometimes those vitamins simply don't have time to be absorbed.
Over at Helen's I saw a neat magazine type thing for tinkerers. If you are a typical man/boy, it might be interesting. Even if you have a thousand and one ongoing projects, I almost have to think there might be ideas which could work with those projects. I haven't looked too deeply into them yet, it just looks to have some potential. I don't, therefore, know how practical the projects are, how high end or silly they might be. Some people spend all their available income on things that I certainly wouldn't consider undertaking. Just as some men spend all their money on guns, reloading a dozen calibers, and making a .22 shoot ragged holes at a hundred yards. Still, I have to think that the ideas therein might be worth the risk of the cost of the magazine.
Ugh, if I can just wake up! My awake time has been dim and my sleep has been weak. I can't seem to fully get into either gear. I am sleeping regular, or more, hours. I just can't... I feel like I am running through a swamp. Why can't they just figure out how to give us tuneups? New plugs, an oil change, change the filters, retool the transmission and change that fluid. Yeah. I do worry, perhaps, that the problem with some in the group is me. Am I tainted beyond hope? Then again, I am positive that I am getting put down by a few of those guys. But could that just be how I present or do they read here, or does my reputation precede me in some other way, rightly or wrongly on any or all of that? I don't know. I will deal with it openly and honestly though.
Have a great day!
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