My health is starting to improve. Working with the doctor, my blood pressure is coming down and I am still able to conduct limited business and pleasure. Sleep patterns become a bit topsy-turvy with each medicine adjustment or addition every two weeks, but when improvements are seen it is tolerable. Function is rudimentary, yet my recent past is my own in that I remember it well and can concentrate much better, if I am not always fully able to act on my purposes. And, I have been able to act on more of them than before; passively, directed, and sometimes actively.
In business, there have been many complications in the buying process with the Xterra. The vehicle runs great so far, but every piece of paperwork I completed in the purchase has had to be reworked in a piece-meal fashion, including the trade-in paperwork. The custom stereo they indicated they could remove and replace with the stock stereo in the trade also remains a problem. I probably will nail my foot to the floor before doing business there again. Even if I was more energetic at the moment, I would not be pleased to have had to make five visits, so far, to complete a deal I had thought completed weeks ago.
Bane has been a great joy to read lately. I probably should hold my tongue more at his place and other sites. Honestly, I have opinions, beliefs, some knowledge, but I am perfectly balanced, with a huge chip on both shoulders, and I am just as foolish as the next guy. As well, my thoughts and style seem to be greatly despised, if not there, then at most places, too long winded and rambling I think. As for the chips, I’ve been whittling them away, as I don’t really need them, might not deserve them, but certainly don’t want those loadstones. It’s a slow process. I’m hoping as physical health and shape come into their own, I can cast the anchors aweigh while severing the chains of the past that bind. No one will like me any better for the loss of chips, but I will like me and life better perhaps.
On other fronts, I’ve been collecting and testing bits and pieces for my planned adventure. I have been testing and enjoying the Xterra. I have started target shooting a bit more. I have been continuing my research into all of these topics, and more. And, I have been staying out of trouble. That last is not so difficult these days, as trouble just doesn’t seem fun anymore. In my searches, I have found much information, and a few interesting extras. There is nothing like running into Zen while reading a reloading forum. As for Zen’s place in my world, I now see it as a philosophy rather than the one-time religious belief. As such, I enjoy it immensely, and appreciate others interest in it, even if their take seems to be of a religious nature.
Life isn’t bad, but I am thinking the place of normalcy and happiness is just right around the next corner. Bah, I might as well admit it, there is no corner to turn for happiness. I’ve always been there, I just don’t always appreciate it. Shhhh!
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
My mind at work. Low paying job, but it's sok.
It seems there were twenty three visits to this blog this week. I am impressed! Oh, I know, in the blog-o-sphere, that is a paltry sum. But to me, well, it’s a surprise. This blog is more like a child coloring on a sidewalk, never expecting people from the next block to stop by and look. Now, I receive no comments, so for all I know, the visitors are just government regulators making sure I’m not making money, supporting something nefarious, or bored and looking around because they are getting paid to do so and don’t really want to look for real problems. I did say I had a wonderful imagination, didn’t I?
Going back to a previous post, I had indicated that I was going to try and do some introspection. Since I had concluded the outcome of a person’s life based on their actions and analyzed that in a manner that I thought was excellent, I caught myself in that whole analysis system and so I said I would look into my life. Yea, well, I did so and it wasn’t always pleasant. I used my memory, I spoke with others to check my memory against their memory, I looked over paperwork to check some facts, and… I am a liar.
No, I don’t lie when I have taken cookies out of the cookie jar and no one sees me, to prevent trouble, I’m rather bold and would just advise more cookies be bought, might even plunk down for them. I don’t try and tell the officer who pulled me over I didn’t realize my speed (velocity, but don’t get smart). I really just say, yes, I realize my speed (I do think velocity, but that’s another issue). Usually when I’ve been pulled over, I just didn’t realize the posted speed, other times (very rare) I was pushing it, and I tell him this. Why lie? I also don’t lie to girlfriends about my needs or wants, expectations or limitations, or past romances or current interests. But I have lied to myself and others about where I want to be, that, according to my history.
I may be looking for a wife. I may want a wife and children. But my history doesn’t indicate that. Albeit, my interest in a family is somewhat newfound (if always back there somewhere), other stated goals were long standing and seemingly remain. I seem to move, sluggishly, in a direction, and then change course 90 degrees, or more, then change again if I got too close. I certainly have had some major shifts in life, yet I have accomplished nothing. It might almost seem, rather than being destined to fail, I have chosen to fail.
In the final analysis though, I have not lived up to my stated goals. I am, indeed, a liar, maybe a coward, and definitely confused. There is tomorrow. Oh, don’t worry. I am not depressed, just a little disappointed in myself. I don’t hate myself for this. I know there are some legitimate reasons mixed in with the lame excuses. I also know that being a product of my life as it has unfolded is not an easy thing to overcome. I wonder if many don’t end up in these sad worn shoes of life I have on at my age? Yet, as I said, there is tomorrow, and if I have few other things, I have hope. It does spring eternal, and for that at least though truly among many other things, I do thank God.
Going back to a previous post, I had indicated that I was going to try and do some introspection. Since I had concluded the outcome of a person’s life based on their actions and analyzed that in a manner that I thought was excellent, I caught myself in that whole analysis system and so I said I would look into my life. Yea, well, I did so and it wasn’t always pleasant. I used my memory, I spoke with others to check my memory against their memory, I looked over paperwork to check some facts, and… I am a liar.
No, I don’t lie when I have taken cookies out of the cookie jar and no one sees me, to prevent trouble, I’m rather bold and would just advise more cookies be bought, might even plunk down for them. I don’t try and tell the officer who pulled me over I didn’t realize my speed (velocity, but don’t get smart). I really just say, yes, I realize my speed (I do think velocity, but that’s another issue). Usually when I’ve been pulled over, I just didn’t realize the posted speed, other times (very rare) I was pushing it, and I tell him this. Why lie? I also don’t lie to girlfriends about my needs or wants, expectations or limitations, or past romances or current interests. But I have lied to myself and others about where I want to be, that, according to my history.
I may be looking for a wife. I may want a wife and children. But my history doesn’t indicate that. Albeit, my interest in a family is somewhat newfound (if always back there somewhere), other stated goals were long standing and seemingly remain. I seem to move, sluggishly, in a direction, and then change course 90 degrees, or more, then change again if I got too close. I certainly have had some major shifts in life, yet I have accomplished nothing. It might almost seem, rather than being destined to fail, I have chosen to fail.
In the final analysis though, I have not lived up to my stated goals. I am, indeed, a liar, maybe a coward, and definitely confused. There is tomorrow. Oh, don’t worry. I am not depressed, just a little disappointed in myself. I don’t hate myself for this. I know there are some legitimate reasons mixed in with the lame excuses. I also know that being a product of my life as it has unfolded is not an easy thing to overcome. I wonder if many don’t end up in these sad worn shoes of life I have on at my age? Yet, as I said, there is tomorrow, and if I have few other things, I have hope. It does spring eternal, and for that at least though truly among many other things, I do thank God.
Monday, May 14, 2007
I'm always late, Mum. But we know...
While reading other blogs, I couldn’t miss the many Mother’s Day missives and thanks. My bases were covered this year, though seemingly more by fortune than by preparation. Having said that, I should add that beyond telling my Mum I love her before ending a call or leaving after a visit (happy ending or sour), I do thank the woman verbally and in gifts as often as I can and when I think about it. Mother’s Day is everyday, for my purposes, I suppose. But all of the reading and what it brings to mind, seemed to bubble up today.
Now, I don’t often agree with my mother. And, I don’t always like my mother. As any businessman will tell you, it isn’t about that. Life is like business in some ways. With family and friends, financial dealings, police work I’m sure, and the military, it’s about getting things done. Our personal feelings and our wishes have to be set aside, at times, in order for a more perfect union. So it is with my relationship with my Mother.
She is the backbone of most of what I grew up knowing as a family. She made mistakes, married often, and moved many many times, with my brother and myself in tow. In a confused 60’s and 70’s world, she sought shelter in a cruel world and found none. Still, she managed to push, pull, help, and love two boys to manhood the best she could. We always had food, often of the good home-cooked variety (something I didn’t appreciate until a decade ago, but now cherish in memory but sadly will never be able to duplicate). We always had decent, if polyester at times (fads, ack), clothing and shoes. We had some toys, a few pets, and were always warm in the winter. Summers in Iowa back then were just what they were, nobody had AC (or remote controls). We also had fun, as a family, and parts of that family, tears too. But the best thing she gave us was the surety that we were loved and wanted. We were both adopted, hand-picked she said.
I know how imperfect mothers can be. I have seen many warts, blemishes, failures, and mistakes from three different mothers, in various situations. And I have hated them all at times, pushing them out of my life. And yet, when in my darkest moments, closer to death than most people get once, let alone three times, in more pain than my body could tolerate and keep breathing even perhaps completely sane, this woman is who I most wished most to have with me. I thought I was steel, and might be, but steel is nothing compared to a mother’s love. I changed. I came to understand what some will never know, and I hope I never forget.
Happy Mother’s Day Mom! I love you. Yea, I know this blog is late… but is it?
Now, I don’t often agree with my mother. And, I don’t always like my mother. As any businessman will tell you, it isn’t about that. Life is like business in some ways. With family and friends, financial dealings, police work I’m sure, and the military, it’s about getting things done. Our personal feelings and our wishes have to be set aside, at times, in order for a more perfect union. So it is with my relationship with my Mother.
She is the backbone of most of what I grew up knowing as a family. She made mistakes, married often, and moved many many times, with my brother and myself in tow. In a confused 60’s and 70’s world, she sought shelter in a cruel world and found none. Still, she managed to push, pull, help, and love two boys to manhood the best she could. We always had food, often of the good home-cooked variety (something I didn’t appreciate until a decade ago, but now cherish in memory but sadly will never be able to duplicate). We always had decent, if polyester at times (fads, ack), clothing and shoes. We had some toys, a few pets, and were always warm in the winter. Summers in Iowa back then were just what they were, nobody had AC (or remote controls). We also had fun, as a family, and parts of that family, tears too. But the best thing she gave us was the surety that we were loved and wanted. We were both adopted, hand-picked she said.
I know how imperfect mothers can be. I have seen many warts, blemishes, failures, and mistakes from three different mothers, in various situations. And I have hated them all at times, pushing them out of my life. And yet, when in my darkest moments, closer to death than most people get once, let alone three times, in more pain than my body could tolerate and keep breathing even perhaps completely sane, this woman is who I most wished most to have with me. I thought I was steel, and might be, but steel is nothing compared to a mother’s love. I changed. I came to understand what some will never know, and I hope I never forget.
Happy Mother’s Day Mom! I love you. Yea, I know this blog is late… but is it?
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