You've heard the expression... "stop your clock"?

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I realized something very odd today.  Remember when I said my watch had somehow been changed?  That happened right about the time I wrote about the cup, the day I started going through some serious issues.  Well, that is fine, watches get worked, sometimes, right?  Well, no.  My watch, the part of it that had switched, the analog part... doesn't go backwards.  The only way to manually set it almost an hour back is for you to hit the "set" button, and run it through an eleven hours and twenty minute 'reset'.  Which, actually, takes a very long time to do.  It couldn't have happened by accident.  The only other option... is for the analog watch to have simply stopped for forty minutes, then restarted and have been and be running normally again, to this point.  I suppose it could have tripped.  But right when I was having troubles?

When I was younger, and freshly disabled, I had a lot more... trouble than I do now.  I just did.  I also had troubles with analog watches.  I killed them.  I had Timex to... several watches in the $600 range, in the early 90's.  I killed them all within a few months.  I sent the pricey ones in, to be fixed, and usually just got a new one, then another, then my money back.  Timex watches I just tossed.  I couldn't keep a watch on my arm, running, so eventually went digital.  I do wonder, now, if... something about what I go through messes watches up?  Just... the thought sort of came to me when going back over some of what I wrote on the beer night.

I can't read the one post, but the Epica vid... and something about time, halfway through (3:08 on the clock or so).  Yes, "Time is just a concept, and always the first thing to fade".  I don't know if death has something to do with it, but time is just different for me.  I feel like I have been here for so very long.  But how I interact with time is odd, too.  I honestly don't think time means to you what it means to me.  My days can be longer than your weeks, even when I am busy.  Touching outside of time, perhaps... lingers.  I don't know... the watch just... bugged me... then reminded me of the past with them.  But... why didn't I kill this watch?  I just don't know... anything.

Good night.

A nap or...?

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I was starting to get rather tired.  I wasn't sure I would be able to push on through.  It was after noon though... a bad thing.  Naps, if they are going to be helpful and not destructive have to happen by 11:00.  I have slipped a time or two with my schedule kept in tact as extreme exceptions, but generally that is simply the rule.  Oh, wait, the belt!  For the snow blower.  Hmm, but in my research I had not been able to find a thing on it, at YouTube.  I went back and did another search.  I found something similar for another brand...  I did watch that, and it was somewhat generally helpful.  Then I noticed a heavier repair job on a Troy Bilt, so I clicked and watched.  Alright... that... pretty much covered what I was doing, at least the teardown part of it.  There was nothing about putting the machine back together.

I headed out, tools and gloves and hat and jacket.  The teardown, for the most part, was rather painless.  The only tricky thing was getting the clutch engage cord to part from the gear assembly.  Hmm...  When all else fails, use brute force, replacing what might be necessary on the rare occasions something breaks.  If it's expensive, you just learned something!  Well, nothing broke, so all good.  The rest of the teardown went rather smoothly.  I, mostly, figured out how to get the belt wheel off.  It came off oddly though, and I hate when it does that.  It means... it's going to be picky, and tricky, about going back.  I got the belt on, and... tinkered.  I am pretty sure I got it right.  Maybe not every tiny single last syllable, no, but basically I said em', yeah.  Basically.  Hail to the king, baby?

I put the thing back together fairly well.  The chord was, again, a problem.  I thought about cutting the spring a bit, so as to put it back on a lot easier.  The snips didn't work, the big snips didn't work, so I got the BIG SNIPS.  Those worked.  I did lose a cotter pin, for the end of the funnel direction changing bar, so I will have to get some of those.  The problem is, the belt is not tight enough.  I am sure it is simply a matter of... a few more syllables?  :p  My lower back was killing me though.  No worries, now that I know how to tear it down, and have some idea of a couple of things, it will eventually be put back together correctly.  Not bad for the first... mechanical repair in my life, I think?  I haven't even changed a spark plug, or tire, yet, actually. I am over the notion of a nap though!  And, if my back feels better in an hour or two, with the sun out, I might give it another crack.

Later.

What? No, really, what? What!

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Sometimes I have to laugh, just a health issue but...

I did get to bed by midnight.  I had aimed to be in bed earlier but... stuff and things and...  It's as good as I could do.  I slept well.  Celibacy has been strong with me, lately, too.  It's not perfect, but it is much improved.  I still go through phases of weakness.  But now that medicine is a bit settled and health is sort of back, I think I will be more better than more worse, as terrible as the grammar is that does say it best.  I then woke at 8:07 or some such.  The alarm was set for 7:00.  Oh, I heard the bastard.  I just couldn't do much about it, literally.  Still, I... can live with that, if I get up at around 8:00.  And, if I need it, a nap at 11:00 though I am hoping to push through.  It is just one day.  I don't know about tomorrow, and I don't need to.  One day at a time.

I took my stats... well... minus my weight.  My scale uses one of those thin batteries, which has died.  I had intended on buying a replacement for that yesterday, along with some others, and for a watch.  The problem is I couldn't find the watch, so I wasn't as motivated, and then just plain forgot on top of all else.  139/87 with a pulse of 71.  Okay, not great, but livable.  Then I decided to just go ahead and take a blood sugar reading.  It had been in the 200's.  No matter how careful I was with what I ate or how well I took the medicine, it was simply staying right at 200.  I just decided to do it anyway, even with the case of beer, a dozen candybars, and pretty much having all but given up on my "diabetic diet" for the last few weeks.  It was... 123.  Hahahahehehehehahaha  What?  No, come on!  What is with this thing?  Seriously?  Never mind.

Today?  I have no idea.  I do need to clean off this computer area.  I would like to hit the kitchen.  I should start in on my bedroom as my sheets and room in general have the fresh stench of fear sweat, gun powder, and sulfur.  God lends me some hellacious odor when I'm in my throws!  At least I know it isn't just in my head, nothing quite like the scents of a torture chamber to add a bit of proof.  It is fading, thankfully.

Maybe I can, finally, get back to swimming Monday.  Since afternoons won't work, though, at all, I simply have to get back to days.  Today is the first morning of the rest of my...  :p  Actually, I even feel pretty good.  Perhaps my health truly is seriously on the heavy side rebound.  If I get up tomorrow, and Monday, I will know for sure.  To be honest, just how this morning worked though... impresses me.  When I have, somehow, done this in the past, it was a hell of an effort and painful, uncomfortable, and a zombie day.  Not this day.

Later.

Hmm, nights just won't work.

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I did get into town, after a shower.  I stopped by the gym.  It was absolutely packed.  Later, I thought.  I did a bit of shopping, if I missed picking up several small batteries at Walmart.  Oh, and I forgot my wallet so I had to return home as well, before doing the shopping.  Way too many coats and pants, that wallet can hide in.  I am surprised I don't do that more often.  A little bit of food, plus something my friend asked for.  Then to the liquor store for another request.  I also looked at their scotch selection.  Seeing nothing I liked, or even had tasted, I looked at the vodka section but didn't see my favorite, then went on to the whiskey section.  There is always Crown Royal, it is good.  And I have actually tried, and enjoyed most of the whiskeys they had.  I just wasn't feeling it.  Few, save C.R., stood out.  And I don't think even C.R., after some scotches I have had, would do.  Then I saw it, something that I truly have enjoyed.  Tullamore Dew.  I don't know if it is considered a fine sip.  I don't care.  I just know that it makes for a great snort once an occasional, until I can find one of my favored scotches.  It's an Irish whiskey, if that actually means anything other than that is or used to be made in Ireland, or by and Irishmen of whatever current nationality.  So, I have something in stock for when I return on a particularly cold day, or have to go out into one... or... just because.

Back to look at the parking lot at the gym.  *shrug*  Pretty much full up.  My guess is as soon as the various schools let out the place is nothing but kids and families.  Fine, fine, it's good to see.  It just isn't where I want to be.  I am simply going to have to force my way back into getting up early again.  I don't know if I can actually back things up, go to bed early, and wake up early, again, or if I still have to force the schedule around.  The former would be a WHOLE lot faster, if not easier, for me.  Maybe as my health improves?  I did call the doc today, and suggested that I am still having outliers in the 140's/90's a couple times a week.  Not a problem, I was told.  That was considered excellent.  I need to remember my stats every day, again, for a while.  They like looking over the book.  At least I have been doing them in 5-7 day periods, so there is some continuity for them to examine.  I must be honest, part of the reason I don't like keeping, or informing docs, is the worry that I will become simply a test animal.  And, yeah, I'm pretty sure I've seen that attempted.  Once you are a "good test animal", your health becomes less important (and valuable to your doctor, hospital, M.I.C. (medical industrial complex, which is the real boogeyman)) than the data.  Don't give it to them, for the most part.  That's my opinion, mind you.  Albeit I have slightly more trust with the heart clinic, for my own reasons.

I had thought to make fried chicken gizzards for my friend and myself.  The problem is, he can't eat them.  His teeth are pretty weak and gizzards are, well... tough, chewy.  I am sure we can order in chicken wings though.  I had thought about having a few beers for the game, but I think I'll skip after my recent sipping.  I never was able to drink heavily, day after day.  While I can drink deep, I need days to weeks before I could, and probably can, have another sip.  Certainly when I went, or go, deep.  It truly is the oddest thing.  Oh, I tried... to disastrous results.  And I'm still... tasting... the beer.  I wonder if I have some kind of beer stomach, like a camel?  What surprises me more is that I didn't gain any weight. 

Hmm, on to something else.  A bit of reading and maybe some sleep.  Good night, I hope.

Swimming, I hope.

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I went to bed at about 5:30, setting the alarm for 14:00, but woke closer to 13:00.  I wanted to check my bp, it was 140/90 or so, and weight remained right at 277.  I realize I missed a day of medication in there, the day before the drink, so this isn't all bad.  I still find it a bit funny that I am seeing 140/90 as a bad reading.  Why the medicines didn't do this well before, on the same dose, I can't tell.  And why, after being sure I wouldn't, that I am considering tinkering just a bit more to bring even that down (or let them decide if that is fine to have as an outlier, usually no more than once or twice a week).

Sleep has been quite good, again.  My back, upper and lower, is back to normal.  The stress is gone from it and the lower backache from the tension release was a one-day thing.  I'm almost feeling human again.  No more is my mind troubled with visions or flashes of this or that.  Though, even when I am troubled, I will probably not use this method for this use.  I do need, however, to find something that helps.  Time always helps, eventually, as with prayer.  If I think there has to be something else I could do.

I don't even know what to think of these things.  Visions?  Extreme daydreams?  Dreams that stick around subconsciously and infect my waking hours?  Real possibilities?  Fantasies?  Guilt?  I simply don't know and won't say too much beyond that because I don't know.  I have seen minor things that come to pass.  I have also been totally wrong.  I have had a troubling life, that haunts my steps from time to time as well.  Psychiatry can't be trusted.  And is of no good use, on most things, from what I have seen.  Further, this would be a huge burden to lay at someone's feet.  And while I understand that it may be fictional of sorts, simply by attempting to 'hush' or 'poo-poo' these things won't work either, and that is more aggravating than not, by far.  I sometimes simply have to work through the notions, like a knot or series of knots, until the rope is undone, back to full strength, and useful again.  Any other method simply doesn't help.  I can see why, as a much younger man, I found heavy drinking three to six times a month was a viable alternative.  I just don't think that is... the best of choices at this point.  Plus, it's... pretty pricey.

The weather has been warmer.  My driveway has mostly thawed.  The sun is out and shining, smiling on the world.  I am pleased with what is given me, if I do whine like a baby about it from time to time.  I fried rockfish last night (which was absolutely delicious, by the way... had never heard of that fish before).  I have beans cooked and hamburger thawed, so may make rice, cook some beans and rice with the hamburger, and have burritos for a week.  While I don't care for white rice in the mix, I actually do really like brown rice in it.  I just love that stuff.  Life is returning to normal, finally, again.

Good day.

Hmm, maybe I need to work on the tension?

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I did get back out to the snow blower.  I broke it down, again.  This time I compared the old belt with the new.  They seem to be the same size.  I am suspecting the cord simply isn't pulling the engaging arm far enough, so that will be my next effort.  I put her back together, if not to final form in case tightening the cord just isn't the issue and the belt has to go back to the store.  It became too cold to continue working with the sun beginning to edge down.  Still, I am pleased that I gave it a serious effort and that I think I know what the problem is.  Thankfully, snow blowers aren't the most difficult of projects, at least for this part of things.

I always wondered how these things worked, anyway.  When I was much younger I used to tear things apart.  Unfortunately, mostly having only a woman as a parent, and rarely with the manuals, I never really learned how to button things back up.  The Navy taught me how to work on mechanical things, according to reports.  But I simply don't remember that, or ever having worked on stuff.  If I did, I wish I could remember.  It's sort of spiffy.  *grins*  I do like the work.

It was a beautiful day, with the sun out.  As dusk falls, it remains a wonderful area to be viewing out my windows.  I'll be drawing the curtains, though, soon.  It's been a really good day, too.  Getting up earlier, working on the machine a couple of times, and blog reading and a little commenting.  It's almost an easy day.  Tomorrow will be another day off, if I might do a little work on the computer if needed, then head off to watch the Super Bowl with my friend.  Hmm, I don't even know which teams are playing.  Then, Monday, back to swimming I hope!  It's been a bit.  I am actually gaining muscle pretty quickly.  I have discussed that issue before.  I'm not sure if I have an hormonal imbalance or what... but if I am not cautious when working out I gain way too fast.  I need to figure that out.

Have a good night.  And perhaps good night.  A bit of reading and tinkering on the machine then I'm hitting it as early as I can.

Some things don't make sense.

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I have heard some suggest the Church, and Church members, shouldn't, and even don't have the authority to, judge.  I promise that is not true.  Explicitly, implicitly, She and we must judge.  What we cannot do, and even the Church won't do this, is damn.  The most She can do is excommunicate, which is neither final (it can and has been lifted) nor even meant to be a form of justice, being considered spiritually medicinal (which is why I am not sure it is not used much more frequently on openly pro-abortion, pro gay marriage, and other such politicians!).  We simply don't have the authority to damn.  What we can do is see behavior that is sinful, scandalous, (literally) hurtful, and deal with the person(s) involved.  A simple word to the wise might do.  I've... heard them.  I knew, they were right, or tried to explain if it was just a misunderstanding.  I have also said them, if I try to be cautious, tentative, but sure on some things.  I can't tell someone they can't do something.  The Church as an institution, can, and has to say that, at times.  I actually think leniency, at least in American Churches, at least on true dogmas, is more the problem than any other issue?  The Church's job is to shepherd souls.  The only way it can do that is through social and spiritual pressure, the offer of heavenly rewards, inclusion, and exclusion, and teaching that hell is real and final.  We do not easily come to God's will, not any more.  And God's will is... well...  Look, Moses didn't get to but see the Promised Land, after all his work.  Christ was rather strict, He really wasn't just a go-along-to-get-along type, like some hippie wandering the highways, byways, cities and towns.  What did He say to the wealthy young man who wanted to follow Him?  What about the temple money changers?  Even telling His own, chosen, to get behind Him, calling him Satan!  The Church has a difficult job and few tools.  She has to use them.  And so do we, as an organic part of the Church!

I know the Church seems hard.  I have an aunt who married a Catholic man.  Both are divorcees, he was not able to obtain an annulment.  I am not completely sure of all the details, of where or how they married, though I am sure it couldn't have been a Church wedding.  But I do know that at least she, and maybe he, cannot take the Eucharist while they are married, unless one of them dies.  Really?  Well, yes.  Is the Church arbitrary on this?  Well, yes and no.  I mean, the canon is there, the laws and means of things are there, but there is always some variance due to the fact that different people may be involved and even one person can vary, even on the same day.  I do trust that the Church was given, and has taken, the authority of the keys, and I do trust that She does Her utmost to tend that trust.  I don't always like the truth, or the answer, but who does, or even always should?  I don't like gravity, at least when I fall.  I don't like that I have to sleep.  I don't like that I have to eat, if I can enjoy that a great deal too, the effects of which I also don't like.  What I like has nothing to do with what is.

Do I think She is perfect?  No.  She is the bride Christ left to us, as our Mother.  Single parenting is... challenging.  However, after much research, lots of questions, comparing apples to apples and trying to have others toss in lemons, oranges, and donkeys into the comparisons to try and confuse things, I have to say, I personally am well pleased with... my... Church.  Sticks to stones, Pope to whom I share my pew with, priests to group leaders, dissemination of the Word to teaching, history to Magisterium, the many and varied Sacraments, Saints, all of that which makes Her tick.  She, in my humble estimate, is doing a fine job, if I have a quibble or two.  I've kicked those tires.  And, while a socialist or simply non-believing member becomes apparent from time to time... I have to wonder where better for them to be!  If I would like to see them included in controls a little less often, if they tend to be the ones who LOVE CONTROL (while decrying Church power, the very thing they often try to assert)!  A perfect assembly of very imperfect people, but it's a beautiful thing, and She still works... somehow, as usual.  :p  I have to think Christ, even with the 12, had to do a face-palm, seriously, and often.  "Jesus, they are" *smoke rolling out of ears* *panting from rushing to Him* "using YOUR name to expel demons!"  (Don't we have a patent on Your name?)

Why can the Church say homosexuality is a sin, for example?  Well, maybe because both the New and Old Testament say it?  Perhaps because the tradition of most religions and cultures considers it against nature?  Perhaps because biologically, even, it is non-productive and literally destructive.  Even pagan cultures have very much considered it more than a sin, but on to a crime.  As well, the difference between the Church and, say criminal law, is that the Church can be chosen or not.  People who know what the Church's dogmas are, and choose to flaunt or ignore them, or even try to change them, are simply way off the mark and only hurting themselves, spiritually and otherwise quite often.  If you want to be gay, the Episcopalian church will accept you, as will most mainline churches, right into their ministry if you want quite often.  But if the Church believes something to be a sin, it is of vital importance for the Church to teach, and prohibit, such behavior, to within Her ability, even for Her own sake, it is Her duty, one she would be failing by not informing a sinner of his or her sins!  Gah!  There are many such social issues.  If you don't want to be Catholic, because you don't believe in Catholicism, fine, I guess.  But don't try to change the Church, especially, not to the point of breaking Her duty.  Don't even get my started on women in the priesthood.  I think women in combat is actually slightly wiser.  And if you have looked at that at all, with any kind of logic, you know that is so broken it fails before it is fully spoken, let alone done.  A female marine officer, after two tours, had her career ended and became infertile for the strain.  And officers don't hump their junk like enlisted men.  They simply don't have even that much strain put on them.  So a female priest?  *sigh*

Go on, find a church that "fits", allows the sins you like, puts women and gays in their ministry, or just doesn't act all bossy about your soul.  It is yours, after all, or at least you will be attending to it and it's salvation or damnation, right?  It's between, what, you and Jesus?  What should the Church have to do with it?  It's all about having great friends, picnics (well, not so much with fewer and smaller families), or... just having scintillating conversations even sometimes about religion, right?  I'll pray for you.  Heck, even if we become enemies, as I do pray for them... in a way.  I just don't get why some people want to change to the Church to be "more like America" or whatever else they are trying to model it on (usually some secular broken false dream of reality, developed in college or somewhere else equally antithetical to reality), seeing the wreck this nation is in, socially, fiscally, and in every other way?  Seriously, find another church.

Well...

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A bit of a headache and dehydration, of course.  The missionaries were set to stop by this evening, and they did.  I did let them know of my activity, if I suggested they not follow in my footsteps.  I would suggest most don't, including myself, drink a case in a night.  Beside the stress test I was hoping to... reset some of this spiritual angst, and maybe the physical complaints.  Then again, while it seemed to enhance those for a while in the cup, the minor headache, and oddly lower back ache, plus the general malaise, is sort of doing the trick, for now.  Maybe it will, or did... help sort that out?  Actually, I'm thinking the lower back ache is a step toward healing from the taught back skin and muscles?  That would... make sense... that whole area was just... rippled, taught, even almost tender.

We have pretty good discussions, actually.  These two have a decent head on their shoulders and seem to have studied fairly well.  Of course, we will have differences.  But there is much to be discussed about the matters, minor clarifications or such, for our own thoughts, and sometimes in common, and of course our own anecdotal testimonies.  God is, truly, wonderful, and His works are something to marvel at.  I do think it is good to sharpen beliefs, and that doesn't happen quite as well as having someone with a different faith to discuss these things.  I haven't been the best at looking things up, if I have stumbled across a number of notions anyway.  For example, I need (even for my own purposes) to understand baptism better, go over the first communion a bit, and some other things.

Baptism hadn't been an issue for me, since I was baptized shortly after birth.  And while I have had discussions about it, those were long ago.  I had, like the LDS, initially believed in baptism by submersion.  That was one thing, for my part, where I believe my (foster) father 'learned me'.  It wasn't, by far, the only place, just one of them.  It would be nice to have the basics, and some depth, on these issues, if... there are so many issues to know!  I might look for a guide for the basic dogmas and learn the ins and outs of those?  Summit.  I do have a pretty good grasp, of the bible, a bit of the catechism, and faith generally.  But it definitely needs work.

They asked about coming over for the Super Bowl.  Well, I would love to have them, but I have plans.  And my friend is probably going to have another friend and myself, and has little room.  Well, and we... might be having a beer or three during the game.  So I suggested that they come by early, before I go, and that they make themselves welcome while I am gone.  I've even told them, and will remind them, that there is popcorn, and I will set out the popcorn maker and some bowls.  I think I have a 12 pack of Sprite, too, that I will refrigerate for them (they can't have caffeine).  Oh, as I said, I was having trouble with getting iTunes to work on my machine.  The one... luxury... they are allowed, generally, is an iPod.  So, they asked if they could use my machine for iTunes.  Well, I let them know of the problem, and they think they can help.  But, heck yes.  Even if I just had iTunes, I would certainly let them use my machine for that.  If they can figure out the problem, and it takes a memory upgrade, we can probably check the machine to see if it will take it and, while in town for the Super Bowl, I can grab the memory, and have the thing fixed by their next visit, for their use, unless they want to stick around after the game and wait for me to return if a simple upgrade will do.  Or, whenever they have the time.

Whatever some may say, I think they do a great service and to themselves.  I would love to see more churches provide some similar programs.  Various missionaries have been good to have as company, religious sharpening, and they have done many services directly, or gotten those done, like the tree limb on my roof.  I have seen them help many others, as well.  Even if that were not so, and they were just decent college kids, if I trusted them for the most part, I would happily share.  You see, I'm not greedy or jealously hoarding, if I do take ownership and private property seriously, it is just that I don't believe I should give to someone else who then gives that away, and often to people who don't deserve, or often even need.  The only thing I really support, in that way, is making sure children, and really families, are fed and perhaps very temporarily housed (only due to calamities, not as a lifestyle).  That sharing should be minimal and... otherwise uncomfortable.  It should be humbling, if not crushingly so either though.  I don't mind sharing, though only the shirt off my back if I have a t-shirt under it... due to the Putin-effect.  At least I know I shouldn't go shirtless.  Gah!  Charity is a wonderful thing, the government, however, has ruined the notion of charity and turned it into a power grab on top of it.

A few Anacin, medicines, and... maybe on to bed.  I've got to say, I'm not your typical invalid.  I well and truly am limited, but... my limits have... more flexibility, if just temporarily.  *shrug*  Working on that, though, too.

Later or good night.

In the news...

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Just a few things that caught my eye...

Wyoming, and Arizona, have, or are in the process, of writing laws whereby any new federal laws regarding firearms are not permissible.  What legal grounds they have, and whether it is merely bluster, remain to be seen.  If enough states did this, it would, potentially, come under a special provision.  It might be akin to the ratification of an amendment to the constitution, a 2/3 majority (of states) have to agree.  I am rather surprised to see that more states have not moved such bills forward.  Having sheriffs put forth what they have is not enough.  Sheriffs can be pressured, and are prone to big politics.  To be honest, I don't think states should stop there, that should be the bare minimum.  I actually think most states need to roll back federal involvement in firearm issues altogether, as a group of states, and rely on state ordinances, and most need to mandate state preemption, as Utah does, so that cities cannot "self-regulate".  There is a reason even SLC and Ogden are not parts of the high gun crime areas.  They certainly have gangs, thugs, vast swaths of the underclasses, and large groups of immigrants from different nations who don't want to fit in.  But more good guys have, and know how to use and use better, firearms.  I was surprised it wasn't a Democrat area, either.  I do think those things go together, though it being Romney, I think some LDS donks ducked their party, at least in Utah.

I do believe in reasonable state oversight regarding firearms.  I don't believe everybody should simply be able to buy a firearm, if that would be better than a total ban.  I also don't believe the federal government has a place in that.  The federal government is proving too unreliable, and too locally unaccountable, as well as just wrong on this and other issues.  States really have to begin picking up and taking back their share, and weight, in governance.  I think most states are afraid, as the economy continues to... hrmm... soften.  *cough* depression *cough*  Which is, on the face of it, insane.  They have to know the feds have no money, and are simply printing to cover any "help" they are offering, which has to further erode the value of the dollar and deepen and lengthen the depression.  "But all the other states are doing it", I seem to hear.  Well, remember when your parents suggested that it didn't matter what others do, or get to do?  But, there it is... most states would rather have printed worthless (actually worse than worthless) money than deal with realities or take back control and risk "losing that money".  Gah!

On another issue, I have discussed Russia's impeding doom, for a very long time, here.  Their national native fertility rate is, and has been, the worst of the... more modern? world.  While Russia has never recovered from communism, and is really just a more mildly totalitarian version of it's former self, it is leading the rest of the nations in it's decline.  Vladmir seems to think that Boyz II Men, a queerified group, or at least a typically metrosexual one, is going to help women in Russia decide to have babies.  Bureaucrats are completely clueless, atheist ones top that list.  What about the broken culture and the dolts who helped to break it does this little dictator not understand?  Women will not have babies so long as they would have to raise them with the prospect of feeding their children and themselves on less than I spend to feed my cats!  If he wants to save Russia, he will have to make it so a man can afford to feed himself, a wife, and children without being so close to starvation that he and they will never see their way free from a crushing life.  Women don't want to have babies AND have to work, either, and they don't want to have babies alone.

No matter what modern socialist types think women have become, they know nothing.  While feminists, around the world, to this day, denounce marriage (which honestly means they denounce even being mothers despite what even some of them happen to do), they don't speak for women.  He should know that feminists are just a propaganda tool, one his people helped develop in order that some would gain power through the BREAKING OF THE FAMILY.  And, yet, there he is, trying to use his own propaganda tools, that of pop culture in this case, to fix a problem that can't be solved other than by undoing the strangle-hold on wealth held and kept by a few.  If he wants to save Russia, if that is even possible, he needs to begin figuring out how to form a government of laws, ending feminist propaganda and egalitarianism, and promoting the family.  Then again, I'm not sure he is doing anything more than getting himself in another article, pictured shirtless.

And, by the way, Putin, dude, put a shirt on.  Seriously.  Or at least, you know, actually work out.  They have drugs to help you look good, ask most Hollywood male leads, they know the stuff.  Now the stuff may shrivel your balls, and make it so you can't partake in romance, it might make you moody, and partially insane (if... that's an issue for you?).  But... really... wear a shirt or work out.  You ain't got what it takes to go shirtless.  Just... trying to help.

Okay, well, there is that.

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I don't think I will need to work on my stamina in at least one area.  I didn't know how deep that went, and I probably still don't, but that is as far as I need to go as to testing.  I simply wanted to know that a bit more than a six-pack wouldn't bowl me over.  Urhm... check.  I do think... I may have dropped a grenade, or dozen, while in my cup.  I can't remember where all they are, urhm, or where any of them were let.  Gah!  As for the spiritual sweat?  I've seriously been going through a harsh period.  I never know the why or whence of such, just that I can whine with the "best" of them.  I suppose those things have to happen, as a fallen man.  We simply can't directly connect with the Father when we hear things that go bump in the night, not right yet.  I hope when I grow up, that I won't still need a nightlight? 

I do have a very minor headache.  I am a bit thirsty.  But a case?  Well, that... will do that.  I probably won't have another beer for... a while.  It truly was just a test.  I won't say I passed, but I certainly didn't fail.  While I like beer, I don't exactly love it that much.  On another note, last evening's events may have helped kick my schedule further into change.  I don't know if today is anomalous or will be the beginning of the resetting of my schedule.  I sort of hope it is the latter.

Oh Father, send my father to lend me...

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Comfort... or my due end!!!


Please, I beg of you, Father.  Give me a breather, give me a rest.  I know it won't kill me, but it is ripping me apart.  Oh, Father.  Please... please?  Please.  I need... a little time.. anything.  The whip was less painful.  Please!  As You wish.  Guide me.  Mercy!!!

How many ghosts must I hide from...

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When I am the dead?

Men of steel, or iron at least?

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I sometimes wonder what God is really about.  Well, don't call me a fool.  Men of greater magnum have asked no less.  Onto my third, and final as for the first case, sip of beer, I have to wonder.  I have placed the extra case of beer in the refrigerator, as I am about to empty the first case down my gullet.  Nummy, by the way.

Okay, the last heavy sip I have had consisted of four beers.  Well, actually, I pushed it a bit more recently with a six pack or two.  But even that was in my... effort toward expanding my... horizons.  So, tonight, without effort, a case has gone down my throat?  Yes, indeed.  Just in fluid volume, that is.... hmm... 12x12x2... 288 ounces of beer.  True, that is only 24 bottles.  But it is, theoretically, 24 ounces of scotch, rum, vodka, or what have you...  Down the hatch.  *glug*  Well, when I finish this last... sip.

Never mind.  I was just curios.  Tomorrow I might know more, if this was a fools errand or simply... a reality.  A case, though?  At my level of alcohol virginity?  I do think God makes some men... different.  Well, on to my sip.

Good night.  For, good or ill, this is it.  Sleep well.

Well, that wasn't working...

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Let's try this.  I had four beers, while cooling down.  I still can't quite eat.  Then again I was almost as red as my avatar from working the X'ter.  Sure, I didn't get it out, but I sure worked my butt off doing... no work, as my physics grad neighbor would have suggested... bastard.  :p  (Technically, in physics, if no movement occurs then no work has been done.)  Now, I would have countered that I did, indeed, move snow.  As well as the shovel (if that was negligible without snow in it), and actually, just moving my own mass, we will call it mass for now, was indeed, work.  Still, I hate the notion of physics... from some of it's ways of viewing things... if as I think about it, because they are incorrect.  If you push a rock that has a mass of, say, 150 kg, 20 meters, then push it back to the exact spot from where it initially sat, to include an almost exact repositioning, regardless of what physics says, work was done, damn it!

The point, however, is not physics, it is beer.  While the beers were tasty, trying to drink like that to build up my stamina will never do.  No.  Not a bit.  So, I got my stein out.  Cat hair?  Bleh.  So I washed it out.  I only filled it about... a little less than half full.  No, not for pessimistic reasons, or even optimistic reasons, though those notions did occur to me.  Still, I don't want to push it until I know my limits.  A six pack on top of four beers should be a... beginning.  If I do that well, I may have another.  If I am having trouble, I can end my... exercises.  Plus, my doctor... something about only having a beer or two.  If I scratch the first four as ill-advised medical practice, this stein and maybe the next, will be well within his recommendations!

Yes, my stein is on the larger side.  It can easily hold a twelve-pack, plus salt and tomato juice and/or lemon or lime juice, when I am into that.  Just salt tonight.  I tried to get a picture from online.  I simply couldn't find even a smaller, say 144 oz. or 4 liter, stein.  So, you will just have to imagine the double handled ceramic monstrosity from which I sip.  I can't quite drink from this one one handed, possibly even when it is... lightened.  I can get it up to my face one handed, and do, but then need my other hand to steady it a bit.  I sure miss my old single handled 6-pack (and a bit more even with salt and tomato juice if interested) stein.  I could do that one easily one-handed.  And I am in much better shape now than I was then.  But this one is just a wee too big, for now.  I could, if there wasn't a bit of an in-turned lip, put my whole head in this one... if beer baths aren't quite my thing.  There is nothing like knowing the Lord loves me though, when looking at what seems to be an endless supply of beer as I look down the well of beer, limited only by my throat! 

This should loosen me up a bit.  Welp, back to drinking.  Cheers!

Yeah, well, I gave it a heck of a shot.

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After being bulldozed by events for a bit, I decided to try to fight back into the game.  Yeah, moving slow, no doubt, this morning.  Of course, I figured out why time has been so... weird.  My watch, somehow, was reset back about an half hour from real time (which means it was 40 minutes off all of my clocks, save my smart phone, as I run 10 minutes leeway time on everything else).  Okay, that explains why time was so hard to nail down for so long.  Anyway, a shower and to the butcher shop I went, after fixing my watch.  I'm going to be keeping an eye on the watch though.

I looked it up, quickly, online, before I left.  Well, the problem is, I don't actually know these towns.  So, turning right at this, not the next, intersection can lead you to be looking for the shop in the wrong town.  Which I did.  But I looked pretty darn good.  Guess what?  Uhrm, it wasn't there.  :p  Smartphones can be a lifesaver.  I had stopped at what might have been the place.  There was a guy cleaning out the drives, so I asked him.  He said... something... and then something else.  Oh, I heard him, what he said went in and was heard in the left ear, then passed and was heard out the right ear, not a bit of it stuck.  So, I got out my phone, tried to tinker with the map.  Finally found a search and put in "butcher".  Ah...  Then I had to figure out how to turn off the annoying "turn left" without turning off the map follow!  Gah!

The hog order was a lot easier than what I had thought.  He ran through some things and I suggested yea or nay.  And, then, when he was through, I suggested that I wanted cubed cuts for canning.  He recommended the shoulders for that, and yeah, it is what I thought before if I was there to learn as well.  The ground is just what it is, if I did take and even split of hot Italian and maple sausage as well.  I had to call back while in Logan, I had forgotten to ask for half of the bone-in chops to be the thicker Iowa type cuts.  I love em' thick once in a while.  That should be ready the 7th.  All good.

After that I headed in to Logan to see about a swim.  Nope, at least not right away.  They had swim teams in from 15:00 to 19:00, or... something like that, today.  I decided to take care of some needs to see if I could chew up enough time to be there for swimming later.  I headed to Home Depot, but they don't carry Troy-Bilt.  Back to Lowe's.  Looking over their selection, I believe I got the right belts and cotter pins.  I also bought a shovel.  It isn't as good as the neighbors, in my mind, but it will work and is similar.  After that, a run to the gas station, then the store, and as it was sort of closing in on the time for the pool to open I headed back to the gym.  I couldn't find a parking spot, so I just... headed home.  Hey, I tried!

Pulling into my drive, as I usually do, I got through fine.  Backing over the hump, however, the X'ter got hung up.  Dinner arrived.  I was late on everything, including getting home for that.  If too, I kept thinking it was Thursday.  Gah!  At least I don't think it is Friday.  Well, the folks delivering it just suggested they would come by later, and the Mr. came by right as I was working on freeing my rig.  I hated to ask for help, but...  I did.  We couldn't get it.  I almost thought to just leave it, but that wouldn't have been good.  Not at all.  Besides, I had JUST WASHED IT, of course.  This has been the first time I have been out where the weather has been decent enough to consider a wash, while filling her up, so I took it.  She would have been a mess from traffic flying by.  I called the neighbor.  He promised to be over with the boys.  I grabbed a handful of Snickers.  Hey, don't ask empty handed unless you have no choice.  I forgot with the other fellow.  *sigh*  I do try.  I had dug it out as well as I could myself.  But that just wasn't doing it.  They dug for a bit, but that, again, wasn't doing it.  So, a toe-rope and a tug.  *bump*  And then they cleared so that I could use that path to pull in then back up.  I was pretty much shot from digging, trying to push myself, helping the other neighbor, and such.  I figure I more than made up for not swimming...  God's will, you see?  :p  Taskmaster!  Gah!  *grins*

I've been too grumpy and taught all day.  Yeah, I know why, but that just isn't going to work.  I am going to have to get ahead of 'the horses' and slow things down.  *grwllll*

Well, I did happen to buy two cases of beer.  I need to... increase my tolerances for all things.  And, I will be testing my tolerance right straight away.  As soon as I chill a bit, I have dinner here.  I just can't eat after a heavy workout.  That is worse than drinking to much, for me.  So, cheers.  Bleh.  Hmm...  Maybe the full day will see me back in bed, ready for an easy day tomorrow, then a swim Friday?  *urhp*  Could be.

Later, or good night.

Yeah, yeah, getting back to things.

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My days are off.  I keep having to check my calendar to see what day it is, on my smartphone.  I keep forgetting anyway.  Even knowing now, I keep thinking it is Thursday.  Freaky.  I got to bed, and slept rather well.  Not as well as it should be.  It has been almost a week since I slept right.  It's like the notions were coming together before the flash.  I think it's getting better now, though.  Since it is Wednesday, I might try to get a swim in today, then Friday if I can.  Yeah, well, I can only do what I can do.

I went in to shower this morning.  My t-shirt, in the pits and under my chest, was soaked.  Not damp, not a little moist, wet, like I had dipped my shirt in water.  I stank, too.  Yuck.  Sometimes I get far enough way from the flesh that I think I am just... writing stories.  Then reality hits me, right there, in my hands and in my nose.  It is getting better though.

The shower was wonderful.  There is nothing like clean skin and man acceptable fragrances.  Well, my shampoo could be considered a little girly smelling, but I am claiming that the peppermint body soap is perfectly acceptable for even an ogre.  The hair gel I use takes care of the shampoo smell, and is definitely manly anyway.  Plus, the mild antibacterial properties clean up any minor wounds.  Even though my girls love me, they aren't always aware of just how sharp their little but multiplicative pointy things are.  I usually don't fuss about that, we are, after all, just having a little fun.  Their claws remind me that my size and strength does matter, and my size and strength reminds them that claws and teeth hurt.  But none of us are too picky.  *tickle tickle*  *bat* *swat*  Bwats!  All of us!

The butcher shop called.  I told them I would be in in a few hours.  Time is ticking but I am still running a bit slowly.  One more round then I will hit it. 

Have a great day!

Have you ever been whipped?

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The first thing you feel is a burst of pain.  It pretty much dominates your mind, though some other things might be noticed too.  You might feel hatred right then, too, no matter your intent.  Or all things might go from your mind.  If you feel hatred, that will be gone shortly, as you become exhausted beyond understanding.  I can't tell you which order, or even if there is an order, of things that takes place next.  Your pulse increases, as if you had plunged into ice cold water on a hot day.  Your skin tightens, in places it might even spasm, and goose bumps jut out seemingly immediately.  Muscles tighten like rope stretched to the breaking point.  Between skin and muscle, your joints can strain under the pull.  You begin to sweat.  *ssswhissssh*  *CracK*  Right as it cracks your world opens up to things you never thought you could know.  You know you are alive but wish you weren't, perhaps.  You might even lose control of your bowels and/or bladder.  Now, after a few days, when the immediate wound(s) begin to heal if it was that deep, or the pain fades, you are left with a taughtness of skin and muscle and bone that just doesn't fade for a rather longish time, if ever in some ways.  It runs clean through the skin, muscle, bone, right to your soul, and you continue to sweat at varying amounts for some time, a stinky fear sweat.

I suspect I got a little close to my... notions.  I've been suffering from what resembles a whipping recovery period since before writing the cup post.  It's why I couldn't sleep, or wake up well.  Heck, I thought it was already Wednesday night.  Ah well, I'll figure it out.

No, I didn't go swimming or make it to the butcher shop.  I am hoping I come down enough to rest a bit better tonight.  My neighbor and family came over and scooped the drive, I helped for what I was worth.  They outnumbered me though.  *grins*  While here, we looked at the snow blower.  After unbolting the gear housing, it was immediately clear that one of the belts had broken.  A bit of digging and we got that out.  No problem.  When I buy a replacement I might ask what else I should keep on hand for it.  I am sure the cotter pins, a handful of them, would be good to keep.  I am sure if one belt broke, the other probably isn't long to follow, so two of those, two of both most likely.  I don't know how involved replacing the belts are, but I will be looking that over tonight.  I've had and been using this machine since... two years before I left Iowa, so... five years of ownership, if only four years of use?  I didn't use it the year I rented.  And this is the first issue, so... yeah... no problems there.

After researching regarding the pork cuts, I've just decided to speak with the butcher, let him know some of what I am hoping to do (canning, both ground and cubed), and see what portions of this and that might be best.  I know I would prefer smoked bacon to side pork, if that latter is good, too, once in a while.  And smoked hams are... well... a very much enjoyed household item.  It might be good to get one or two for a gift meal.  Chops are great, but just how many?  It seems as if you can get a ton of chops if you go... hog crazy.  Though I am sure my friend wouldn't mind a few of those.  I have just decided, this time and maybe for the next several times, to play with things and see where it ends up, learning from experience rather than trying to force such a complex issue in a day or two of "book learning".

I want to be up and going tomorrow, within regular hours.  I probably won't swim but once, this Friday, this week.  Hey, it will happen.  And this was a rather... unusual... experience.  I did think, for a bit, about a spiritual adviser.  A comment made me consider it the more, if I suggested why not to do that.  While I didn't think so in comments, and those difficulties are real.  Another issue is, how do you explain such things to another person?  No, they don't understand.  When I was allotted a ptsd councilor, what I said there was more than was comfortable.  That was mild compared to this.  If a trained professional can't handle minor stuff, how much less someone just trying to help you on your Christian path?  No, I think such things are my burden, alone.  Sure, I shared it here, but that was just... well... PG.  Trust me, what I 'sensed' couldn't be shown in a theater, YouTube, or... anywhere. I won't even discuss the particulars.

Well, I should begin getting ready for bed.  The alarm will be set for, say, 10:00.  If I can't do that, then I will reset it for noon.  I've lost the morning.  *shrug*

Good night.

Okay, that was just stupid.

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Well, not me, per se.  Just, the way it worked out.  I couldn't get to bed until 1:00.  I thought to try, anyway, to be up by 8:00.  I set the alarm for 7:00, with the plan of resetting it for 8:00.  That didn't come close to working.  I don't know how many times I did, or dreamed, that I reset the alarm clock.  I never knew the real time until I finally woke if completely out of sorts at noon.  Have you ever gone down a hill, say sledding, and lost it, going for a tumble instead?  A long tumble at that.  When you finally stop rolling you might have no sense of where you are, what just happened, or even how to stand.  Well, that about sums it up.  Okay, no more trying to wake up at 8:00.  I'm guessing 10:00 is the new actual 'push it' time.  I, actually and thinking about it, regardless of what I just typed, don't even now know for sure what time I really woke, somewhere between 10:30 and noon.  I think?

Which means, no, I didn't go to Mass.  I didn't go swimming.  And I have yet to make it to the butcher shop to part out the hog.  That last, for sure, will happen.  The rest?  I simply don't know, if I have some doubts.  I will be packing my bag for the gym, I am eating lunch now, and perhaps I will be ready for the pool when I finish with the shop.  Thankfully the pool will be open on up to, 20:00-20:30, or thereabouts.  The thing is, can I stop being dizzy?  I am literally just a bit dizzy, still, from that roll in the hay.  I swear, that sleep tumble really through a lot of things out of sorts.  Don't worry though, it was... sort of cool, too.  Much like a sledding mishap you survive?  Something like that.  :p

Never mind.  A shower first, maybe a shave, then dressed, bag together, and out.  Later.

Lord, about this cup?

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In discussions, thoughts, and prayers something has been nagging me lately.  You know, I have been through some very serious things.  From the time I was pounded to near unconsciousness but fought on, to the knowledge of women (loss of innocence) at such a tender age, to having a bad heart, and even to dying from pain and other things.  I have known pain so great I seemingly couldn't bear it, of both physical and mental natures.  I have scars, visible and not, from having my flesh cut, burned, scratched, poked, and crushed.  I realize too that we can't but do God's will, obediently or not.  We can only choose to participate or fight that will.  How... micro that is, I can't know, though I do suspect.  I know, for one thing, it isn't perfectly absolute as I do not believe God would, or even can, lead us into sin.  But that doesn't mean He didn't know and tabulate that.  And further, I recently thought, and wrote here, that there are only two masters in existence, one of them is not we ourselves.  When we part from God's will to do our own will, that is... decidedly... not whose will we are doing.

Some of these thoughts, and others, have coalesced into... something else.  At times, looking back, it almost seemed as Satan tried to say that if he couldn't have me, then no one could.  And God just said, "No, not yet".

I do believe that God will not give us more than we can handle.  I believe that is spiritual, as physically I can visit a morgue on any given day and see where people have had more than they can handle.  And yet I have seen what some Christians have endured.  Yes, true, our lives, if we are Christians, are forfeit by that very reason.  Only through real and holy forfeiture can we come to Grace.  But it is in that first sentence, and knowing that God strengthens us for our challenges, that... something looms.

I may have suggested, in the past, that I felt a very personal call to follow God.  I don't mean, as in, it touched me, if it did, if more as a thing and not an emotional, or even happy, call.  I didn't want to be called.  I don't mean that it was private, something just between the Trinity and myself, I can't even shut up about it so that wouldn't work.  :p  No, I mean, it was quite directional.  You.  Who, me?  Yes, you...  Doom.  Come, follow me.  I think you have the wrong... guy.  I knew He didn't. 
So, what is your purpose in God?  Most, I think, are here to learn and grow and do His will as best we can.  Some, however, have a very specific reason to be... called.  To live.  To be.  There have been many, in the bible, and in life since that Writing, known and unknown, who have been called and obeyed.  To be honest with you, most of those who were specially called had their lives ended... well... tragically, catastrophically.  How much more someone built and forged to endure almost death itself?  Putting a few things together, I am beginning to wonder just...  Why He did call me?  Oh, I've got to tell you, I'm sort of uncomfortable with this, right here, right now.

It's... not going to happen today.

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Which, as it turns out, is fine.  The weekend was simply too short this time.  However, there is room, and reason, to move the goal.  I need to be to the butcher shop tomorrow to set up the hog cuts and smoking orders.  Plus, today I would have missed Mass, while tomorrow I might make it.  And swimming on Monday or Tuesday, then Friday, makes little real difference.  I just don't have anything in the boiler this morning, not enough to turn the cogs and gears.  Today will be more of a day of rest, too.  Research regarding hog butchering did not go forward, neither did figuring out what I need to get, and stock, regarding the snow blower.  Oh, one thing the neighbor did figure out is that the cord from the handle that engages the blower was not tight.  A bit of tightening on that has massively increased the capacity of the machine to shoot the snow, meaning Pam may not be needed for the snow shoot after all.

Oh, even if the rest of the week was a wash, and while that would be disappointing, I would not be greatly disturbed.  I would be more vigilant and fretful about next week, perhaps.  The thing is, I am doing a ton better, using every measure available, than I have ever done.  I would compare this to not this, but the summer before last, as being the two best periods I have had since being ill.  The difference that makes this period better?  It is right dab-smack in the middle of one of the coldest winters I have known in Utah, and it might be closing on one of the coldest all told.  This is a typical, for me, hibernation period.  I simply don't do things in winter.  Usually, closing up shop happens with or without my consent, sometimes without me even realizing it has happened... until the spring thaw.  Here I am, putting up a wall coat rack, setting up a seedling center, planning a trip to Burning Man, organizing some things in my home, taking my medications about as good or better than ever, and exercising to the point I have to figure out how to loosen up to do more at points!  My blood pressure is superior with my high points being lower than my lowest points for the last 15 years, my weight is steady as a rock, I eat better with a little help, and I am reading, and the heavy stuff.  Heck, considering just my health condition should have killed me or caused a heart attack, stroke, or other things, for decades but didn't, if longevity is your measure, I'm so far ahead of that game the rest is just insult on injury to the notion of death as punishment... or whatever.

That said, it is true that I am not living a full healthy normal(tm) life.  I literally, can't, yet, be busy my whole day.  My day consists of resting, then maybe some more resting, perhaps a nap, then 20 minutes to an hour of work, then resting, and a bit more resting to make sure, then some other task.  I still don't have much option.  I can, and have, worked in a minor way, for several hours at a time.  But that is rare and takes a toll.  Swimming, while exercise and serious exercise since I do hit it as hard as I can, takes most of my day and even week.  At this point though, it beats... more resting.  Everything, however, has to be weighed on it's own merits.  And my life up to beginning heart medication compared to my life after it is the difference between sitting and a slow jog?  Summit like that.  I'll take it, if I am looking to be doing marathons at the pace I am now doing sprints!  It could happen, it really could.

So, a day off just isn't going to plug up my pipes or cause me troubles.  And I will still be doing things, more of the contemplative than active, as St. Aquinas might put it.  The sun just broke through.  Perhaps St. Aquinas is not the only one smiling on my efforts?  Later.

I tried!

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I went to bed by midnight, I simply couldn't get to bed earlier.  I didn't sleep well.  I feel more like I didn't sleep at all.  The last two or three nights simply have seemed sleepless.  I set my alarm for 7:00.  That didn't work.  I reset it for 8:00, then 10:00.  Shortly after 10:00 I did rise.  I am not feeling exceptionally tired in the mornings though, there is that.  Last night I did dream, if only one little fun bit stayed.  Oh, bp was 118/76, pulse at 66, with weight dropping a pound to 276.4 or so.

A woman was discussing how, in the 60's, she had thought to run away to go 'fight for civil rights' in the South.  She waxed about this, decried that, spoke of the terrible things that happened, and on and on.  Remember what I want to know?  I didn't follow her down the hole, just waited for her to re-emerge, knowing precisely where.  I let her go until she had herself nearly in tears, perhaps feeding her with some sentimental tripe bait or other to help.  I can't help myself.  Then I said, "Oh, you actually thought about becoming a Republican?".  *whack*  Her eyes got huge, she looked at me as if I had broken what she knows of my nature and started smoking something.  "Wha?"  I reiterated what I had just asked and suggested some reading material for her.  Now, that did happen in real life, at least two and maybe three times, with different women, and give or take a bit on their memories and how wrong they were about the realities of them.  This was the funnest of them though.  I love hunting rabbit, mole, whatever.  Too predictable for real game, but absolutely delicious.  *whack*

I suppose I should get going.  It's sort of a rough morning, but that is fine.  I have had breakfast, if not the best of breakfasts.  I did get the beans put away last night, and meat out to thaw... which now needs to be refrigerated.  I let my wet swim clothes air dry, so those items need to be put back into the bag.  At least it will be easy to pick which coat or jacket and hat to wear this morning!  But first, a shower.

Good day.

Reading at other places. And other things.

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At Helen's, I read about a guy who is frustrated with online dating, at one or more spots (details... bleh).  Something about women seeming to want liberal men.  Women are liberal, to a degree every politician who voted for the 19th amendment counted upon.  And they think they want liberal men, until they realize why men who are liberal, are liberal.  One of the big reasons is so they can continue dealing with women as they do, which is exactly what women who are trying to get serious or are serious about marriage don't want.  Now, try to explain this to a woman, try to expand it, and she often won't understand at all, not until, and only maybe then, the mechanisms of modern liberalism have pretty much trashed her and sent her on her way.  The reason liberalism likes to say women are equal isn't because it believes that, but because then women are much more available for... casual use, even abuse.  One would think this would eventually affect even single women's perceptions, but until those are focused elsewhere by an actual family, maybe that isn't possible.  Even then sometimes it doesn't work.  But, that isn't the point.

In real life, I give absolute feedback to liberalism when faced with it.  Whether it is a mugger, a bureaucrat, or a typical woman, I face it, square off, and make no bones that... if continued, the attack will end up hurting, but not me.  You know what?  I rarely have a problem after that.  Women come around or go away, bureaucrats have bosses and some healthy understandings of physics and angry giants, and muggers just meander on, looking for another type of their own liberal kind.  Heck, my last woman-type was a self-avowed feminist, at first.  Now?  Not with someone to point out where that fails and her own experiences in reality helping to clarify things.  She is still coming more my direction, years after our affair ended and then even later we parted, further being parted by several states now.  She still holds onto feminism, but not as a truth, merely as the only flotation device she has in an angry sea, partially of her own (as she now realizes) making.  The problem for this guy is he can't give feedback online.  Or can he?

You know, online dating just isn't my thing.  I have given it a jab, a time or two, but if for nothing else my target women simply lived too far away, if that isn't the only reason.  You see, women might seem really picky, but that is because they are a minority of the sexes thus at a premium, and because they don't know what the heck they are talking about in the first place.  The whole notion that a woman is more in touch with her feelings is bunk.  What the truth is, is that she is more comfortable expressing something for no actual reason other than that she feels like it.  That's not being in touch with your feelings.  Still, I think I could advise this fellow... assuming he is actually conservative.  What I would do is, find a sample of women who would, in theory, from those available, work.  I would then, simply, begin communications.  I wouldn't be forceful about the subject, or even in fact bring it up.  If asked I would state things simply.  I would proceed as if I was having a conversation with the woman.  I think he would be surprised, if he is actually conservative and not a butt-munch metrosexual.  Though that he is whining, I have... some doubts.

I know, some guys really are a bit busy to try to track down a wife.  Then again, and part of my problem, is future wives don't just congregate at the bookstore at, say, 9:00 am every Saturday, or something.  Seriously.  But they need to learn that listening to a woman about what she wants in a man is like listening to what a child says they want to eat.  Yeah, no.  Cakes for breakfast?  Ice-cream for lunch?  Chocolate bars for dinner?  Yeah, again, no.  If the woman is actually serious, and not just playing, she will note the right chords being struck at the right times.  Most women, not of their own accord but through marriage and children, do become much more conservative, if married to a conservative.  It might take some time, but it will happen... minus that she will always think that because she is weaker she is better, somehow.  When they have something they aren't willing to negotiate about, they understand ownership... to a degree... a bit better... and why "sharing", socialism, 'yours-is-mine-ism', and such, won't fly.  They also get over some of their inherent (and initially required) vanity (a baby does that), they get over defeatism (a thing engendered by the historic notion that being raped is better than being dead, which for millennia was the simple way of things, and still is in many of the asshat places of the world) when they want to bear the child of only one man.  Things change, a woman changes, when she is attached to a good man.

Oh, I did call my lady friend tonight.  We have been playing phone-tag for a bit.  But this time I got her.  I call, she said, at the worst possible times!  I truly love that woman.  She honestly cheers me up with such things.  It means I still have 'the touch'.  It seems they had an ice storm, and so she is going to drive to work early, and slowly, which means while the timing of my call was good, the circumstances weren't.  Still, for cheering me up, I let her off the hook, possibly to continue our game of phone-tag.  I bet I could even tell where her nipples were, during the call.  If the phone had bot-arms, I could have hit the buttons, on the dot.  That, too, annoyed her.  Hey, it was better than playing with a pencil and string!

Dinner arrived, and it was good.  My machine seems to be having a problem, but that seems to be a common problem.  I'll do a bit of research on that tonight.  Some piece, a cotter pin of some type, seems to have broken.  But the frame actually has a compartment just for those pieces, if I didn't have any in it (yet).  As well, I think I will look over the parting out of a hog tonight, again, and try and make more sense of it.  When looking things up, it is better to do so before the brain turns to mush.  No, I wasn't drinking...  I do that quite rarely, if I mean to fix that too.  It's just, as the mind begins to lean toward sleep, it becomes data teflon.  Data just doesn't stick.

Later, though most likely good night.

Tasks, one down, two hundred fifty three trillion seven hundred thirty nine billion nine hundred fifteen million three hundred twenty seven thousand five hundred two to go!

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Okay, so time will take care of me before I take care of my list.  If I think that is half of the point of the list.  Seriously, if you have a bucket list, you best be short on time or smarts, and perhaps both.  The list is some, sometimes a significant, part of what keeps you alive.  Sure, many people don't realize they have a list, or keep putting their heads back in the sand and continuing with their list if they happen to ever take, or review, the 'long view'.  Me, I don't worry.  It is there, I'll get to it or not.  But I don't pretend it doesn't exist.  I'm simply not impressed.  I remember how very much longer the list USED to be. 

Oh, it was the coat hanger in the back hall.  And while I could count it as one thing, on the list, technically, it was actually parted into some lengthy list itself.  First, and what started the thing, was remembering while at the hardware store to pick, then buy, a coat hanger that I liked.  Now, to be honest, there was one I loved, a few I liked, and many that I absolutely despised.  The one I loved, if a bit expensive, was not satisfactory.  It only had three double prongs.  It had glass globes on the ends of those, and was nickle-plated.  Something about such, save the nickel in this case, just draws me in.  Old schooly stuff, nearly... more a replica and not a great one, but good enough.  As well as having only three hooks it came attached to it's own board, and the board wasn't long enough for a standard stud mounting (and as it turns out, I had to go between the length of three standard studs).  No, I knew it wouldn't work.  So, looking through the rest, I chose by general aesthetics right after function and strength.  I chose a five double hook, in a antiqued bronze, which was solid to my (sometimes destructive 'oops, better put that one back') strength testing.  While it was, by my guess and rightly either way, too short, I knew I could use a board, as I did, as a backplate which would span the stud(s).

After buying that, the gig was on.  I didn't know if it would be a week or a month or next year before I got to it, though the hope was to have it up by this spring.  And a hope, if doubt, about having it up by this coming Monday.  You never know!  Once home, I actually found a board that would work as a stud-spanner, which I put in the back hall.  Things just stopped there, at that time.  I think, actually, having that piece of wood as a minor irritant when I would pass through that hall actually sped the project forward.  Yesterday I decided to cut the wood, but realized it would need sanding first.  Well, sanding seemed wiser up front, then cutting.  Both required sawhorses and an extension cord, so that is probably why they happened together.  Well, heck, there was no reason not, at that point, to just put the first coat of paint on it, so that went forward.  I even remembered to give it a second coat last night, which was all it needed.  I was thinking about which screws to use, whether to try and countersink them, and this and that through the night, but I hadn't made up my mind this morning.

As I was waking, and thinking, I realized, using four screws of whatever kind, I would need to measure those out and at least put some effort toward making them look even, top to bottom and side to side.  And, since I was doing that, I decided to go ahead and countersink the screws.  It just seemed... tidier, cleaner, or some other thing like those terms?  Something.  Oh, and I tacked up that backer board with small finishing nails.  I could, now that it is screwed tight, punch those in and paint to cover them if needed... but... not going to happen.  I am more than satisfied with the task, how it looks, and how it works.  I even bothered to use a level to make sure the thing was square with the floor, or at least with vision and the general horizontal plain.

Of course, that was going on while I was soaking, then cooking beans.  I've had a bowl of the beans with the remaining rice this morning.  And that wasn't even it for the day.  My neighbors came by and... pretty much did my drive.  Oh, I think I scooped a bit, but nothing to speak of.  They wanted to use the snow blower, as there is six inches and more coming.  Not a problem, I had offered it and meant it.  I did put a bit of salt out, though, this time.  Now I am done.  Well... for the day.  Gah!  I still forgot to put out some meat to thaw!  While rice might make a complete protein with beans, or so they say, and while each is good on it's own and will make a minor meal, they will never, together or alone, be meat!  I'll do that before I get lost in the hum of the machine again.

Good day.

Okay, that was weird.

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Getting to bed was easy last night.  I actually stretched it out, hoping that would allow me to sleep both early and well.  That didn't work, so I let the girls in.  They entertain my sleeping, or near sleeping mind, with their play.  Queen of the hill, with me being the hill, is sometimes one of their favorites.  They did not fail to entertain.  I never did get a solid sleep going, and yet still rolled out about 9:30, feeling, for the most part, rested... enough.

I checked the coathook board, first thing.  It is dry and looks well coated.  I am now considering which type of  wood screw to use, and whether to countersink it a bit.  Technically it isn't necessary.  It can look nicer, and with having shorter wood screws it might hold better, too, though.  The thing is, I'm not sure how to do that really well.  And the wood screws I have aren't really designed for a flush fit, so it would be more like boring in than countersinking.  Gah!  I'll... figure it out.  Beans are already cooking as well.  When they are done I will mix some of those with the rice from yesterday... and pull some meat out to thaw.  There is always something that is forgotten!

Snow, not rain or sleet, today.  I, for one, am pleased to see it.  We need moisture, and I suppose sleet will do.  But rain and sleet are things that cause great trepidation in the heart of any cold season soul.  And 'wet' snow is such a pain to remove.  I think the 'wet' came, melted off mostly, and was gone before this new dry good snow came, so getting it off if it falls in bulk should actually be easier than it would have been even before the rain/sleet hit.  It makes me want to go skiing.  Then again, I checked on the price of that.  At $45/$75 half/full day, with rental, I don't know how people can afford that.  While it is fun, it isn't that great of an exercise.  I suppose it is the one thing to do in the winter?  It is well out of my budget, that is all I know, at least as a regular thing and for now.

Something that might have triggered getting to be earlier?  I had been forgetting potassium.  I took a dose of that, along with medicines, yesterday.  That did have an affect, if it was simply an odd one.  I can't say what it did, precisely, only that it did do something.  And, then, later, I was pretty tired.  Hard to know.  My bp was 120/74, with a pulse at 61 this morning, weighing in right at 277.8, again.  Bleh.  But I am beginning to think my belly really is going away.  Women talk about hips and thighs (if I think they don't talk about butt and should :p ), but for me, the belly is where it all goes.  Always has.  My arms are only toned or not, same with my legs, but no fat almost ever.  My belly is teh buddha... or... was...  The lack of almost any weight loss, though, is... odd.  Even before I was exercising I have lost lots of fat but little weight.   Later.