Slogging along.

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Reading and commenting, a bit.  Looking for news tidbits that have any minor real note while sussing what isn't being reported that is actually important.  News is dying.  They realize everybody knows reporters, editors, and publishers/producers are on the wrong side of just about everything.  Some of the reporters know it, most of them haven't a clue.  We aren't the bitter clingers.  We aren't the ones who are stupid.  Most have been too busy trying to lead real lives in a darkening world to consider.  That time is over.  All things are being considered.  They lost by pushing too far, digging too deeply in the wrong direction, and supporting criminals over civil and other bad actors.

Anyway, I can't get going yet.  Past 13:00 and I am just drifting through the day.  I do feel good.  There is that.  There is some hope that feeling good will get me to some work, chores, or bit of fun.  Maybe a mix of those things.  Food?  I'm honestly not hungry.  A glass of milk or two was food yesterday.  That might be it for today, too.  I could cook, I suppose.  The kitchen isn't bad, just a bit cluttered.  So I could fix something, something tasty.  I just can't get too it along with not being hungry.

Still, I might be able to clear the kitchen a bit more today.  And doing the few dishes might happen.  Hmm, and maybe something else.  Getting the trash out?  Sorting boxes?  Yeah... maybe.

I am saying prayers for the murdered police officers, their families, and their coworkers.  Martyrs.  Not something anyone wishes to become, but martyrdom brings clarity.  People are easily seeing the choices before them.  Law enforcement are also seeing some things.  You can't treat those who wish to murder you as you treat those who support you.  Well, you can't do those things and win.  Law enforcers, as a group, are also learning that, as with people, politics is a split thing.  They are learning to choose between politics and politicians who support what they do and those who don't.  Simple choices, really.  Civilians, those who are on the fence, are having to choose just which way they really want to go with that.  The choice becomes very simply when a "neutral" finds himself surrounded by the option, especially when cops, by orders or numbers, can't help them.  This is, most likely, after all is said and done, going to lead to two separate and distinct law enforcement operations.  One for those who choose civility, and one for those who don't or can't.  It will, eventually, enter the court system, the legal system, if it will start with enforcement.  I am positive that if the police don't do it, the people will.  Though I see, in turning their backs on De Blaisio, that the NYPD is getting it.  Now to refuse to enforce the unconstitutional laws regarding gun ownership for the right people while steam rolling the ban for the wrong people.  It's not really a choice.  It's more a matter of survival.  Though most cop types really do believe in what they are doing, and many would die for it, preferably as a last resort.  So, survival isn't the only reason.  I understand some semblance of that from military service.

Well... on with something or other.  A bit more time to wake.  With such a short list of things to do, I don't need to rush.  I will have to start at some point.  Just not yet.  Later.

Waking up is hard to do.

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Is there a song for that?  Yeah, yeah, there is Breaking Up Is Hard to Do, but that wasn't hard for me to do.  Never mind.  Four or five snooze buttons and an half hour to forty minutes after the alarm first sounded I was finally able to kick out.  Barely.  Still struggling.  With the same alarm set, yesterday, I didn't wake until after 10:00, so I guess there is that.  I did get better, a bit, yesterday.  There is some hope of improving today, as well.  I've got a number of things I am hoping to do.

Almost better.

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Still dragging.  I simply feel better.  The sun was out today, and rather bright, mostly.  I suppose that helped.  I get that old fiery feeling, but for moments.  No more than an hour at a time, and rather infrequently.  I only remember having it once for very long today, perhaps an hour, then once just for maybe fifteen minutes.  No, I really don't understand.  Thermometer can't tell the difference between when I seem to burn and when I don't.

I did a couple of small things today.  What my friend needed was for me to store his ammunition.  One of the boxes of it was broken.  I had to stack the ammunition in new boxes.  After some sorting.  Then figure out where to put them.  I did at least another task.  As I said, not much.  At least I am feeling better.  There for a bit I was just lost.

I didn't get to bed until late.  I also woke very late.  It is only a bit past 21:30, but I am thinking it is about bedtime already.  Odd, these last days, how things are just not making exact sense.  The long night, I suppose, is still playing games with my system.  I'll figure it out.

I am hoping, if I can get going tomorrow, that I will finish in the kitchen, and do some dishes.  If I can do that, then pie crust is next.  If I clean up after that, I might make the first quiche.  I best get on that.  Hmm... I might tinker with the camera, to try to take a few pictures, then transfer them over for publishing.  Might as well.  It'll be a bit of a stretch with all else, to my mind at the moment, but stretching is good.  Good night.

Can't say it all, sometimes.

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Some do not understand.  To the eyes of men, God's will has to seem brutal, vengeful, perhaps even wrong.  It is easy to suggest that the lion will lay with the lamb, that Christ is the King of Peace, that forgiveness is paramount.  Forgiveness is required to be offered in order to be received, but how that works is a bit... trickier than it seems.  They seem to forget what Jesus did the last time, what was done to Him.  They do not seem to understand what He will do next time.  There is much blood and death, here and forever, until the King takes His place, having to do with salvation and damnation, in life, and on the path. 

I can't always say exactly how I understand things.  At times, it feels as if I am speaking to people who either don't, perhaps can't, know.  I understand, perhaps.  Some days I am not feeling up to dealing with some truths.  No one wants to know, certainly not the hard parts.  Is there hope?  It depends on if you have hope.

Imagine how most people would question Death.  Why my cousin, or wife, or child?  Why not that criminal or evil politician?  Why?  There is, of course, an answer.  It isn't merely God's will, though that plays a part.  But when emotions are brought into it, reason is not available.  Further, much as a butcher understands why some cuts are more expensive, many people do not.  A butcher can, for example, suggest that a certain cut is in greater demand by portion available, so he charges more for that cut.  This makes no difference to a woman who arrived to buy that specific cut, but without enough money.  Why, she demands!?!  But even he may not be able to explain why that cut is in greater demand.  So it is with all creatures who have a task to do.  All men should know this, but when wrapped in emotion, even men may have difficulty understanding over their interest, or that those who do cannot always explain it to their emotional satisfaction, or even always fully understand themselves.  But all men know that a good son will do as his right father suggests, soon or late, with fewer or greater regrets.  And so it is.

Now, whether I am nephilim, perhaps even War, or not... I see through those eyes from time to time.  I write about it.  I explain some things.  I suggest some things.  But neither I, if I am just me, nor War, if he is another, know all things.  Only what is required, and a bit picked up here and there on the way.  Either way, I have to try to discuss some matters as if those things weren't true when talking to people in real life.  Most simply will not face the fact that what the bible suggests is more than just stories, if not even the actors understand.  Many angels no more consider the truth of their existence or actions than a pistol considers whether it really expels a projectile or not.  Some of the actors do consider, at least at times.  Nor can they handle the notion that one, right next to them, may have access to some of it.  Loony bin material, any such talk, to most men.  I've learned to not frighten the children, push too far.  I don't understand enough, for sure, yet, now.  Perhaps, of course, I am crazy.  Though that wouldn't preclude access.  That, access, itself, might well cause insanity, potentially.  How many prophets were considered insane?  How many others, who saw or did, became... different?  Still, it might all be false.  I have, myself, traveled that path, still do when the weight of it is too much, or on odd or even days, depending on need or want.

Unless, of course, I am what I see, and it isn't just visions.  But being the spirit of War, bound by flesh, is a difficult thing.  Christ never seems to have discussed it, save suggesting that in His form, He was limited in some ways, such as knowing when the end was to come.  If Jesus had taken the time to discuss it, I do believe He might well have described a terrible itch caused by being bound by flesh, at least in a fallen world.  Pouring an ocean into a thimble, somehow, would be an example.  Actually, it is more difficult for souls, than something like what I see.  The difference is, the soul is... pacified, before being put into flesh.  If your soul woke fully you might well explode.  My spirit is waking, or I am seeing into the wakefulness of such a being.  It itches terribly, either way.  But... madness has been placated.  At least as I see things.  Save when it gets too heavy and I escape into... denial.

Pushing.

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I wasn't sure I would be able to make it out today.  Want, even need, is superseded, at times, by health.  My health is delicate.  Toss in snow removal and I was doubtful.  A few silent prayers, and intent, saw me to all that was necessary.  

I will rest, for a while, now.  Adjusting to the weather, season, lack of sun... or more.  I never can quite tell.  So long as I succeeded today, all is good.  A few days, weeks, or months of rest may be needed. 

Good night.

A white Christmas.

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A light snow, maybe two, perhaps three, inches.  Invited to a Christmas day, I had hoped to be out about now.  And I would have, save for a bit of snow removal needed.  The shop broom seems to be doing the job, and quickly.  I did the first, and heavier, half in one shot.  But I needed a break.  After that, a shower.  It's as good as I can do.  I am actually impressed how far I went before needing a break.  I wanted one, several times, but a quick check and I found more wind, so just kept going.

Worth it.  I do enjoy when Christmas is white.  And this is just about as good, and light, of a snow to claim a truly white Christmas.  I hope you all are enjoying the celebration, more so if you remember the cause for it.  Grump if you must, I do understand.  But when you can, set that aside and enjoy.

Merry Christmas.

Chirstmas Eve.

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I certainly enjoy this time of year.  The eve of the celebration for the birth of my Lord.  A time when He was allowed first life here, the innocence of the crib, and His mother's gentle care.  A time before hard times.  A time He will know again.

Malware.

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Looking over articles, advice, forums, and whatever else I could find, I hit on something that seems to have scratched some itches.  Anti-virus works right until it doesn't.  Often, as in my case, it offers no way to do anything about whatever is going wrong.  The software merely let me know it is blocking something.  Super, I guess.  But the popups were maddening.  They offered no solution.  This has been going on for weeks.  As I said, I may have found a solution.  I downloaded the free version of an anti-malware, installed, then let it do it's thing.  It found, definitely, one type of malware.  It also found 110 other programs doing questionable things.  I simply quarantined everything.  I don't know it it will work, or for long.  Since doing that, the constant pop-ups have ended.  If I run into troubles, I will merely look over the quarantine list.

It seems there is another form of program that will sometimes work with anti-virus and anti-malware programs.  Anti-spyware.  I suppose it depends on what sort of programs, and manufacturers, as to what is compatible.  It seems firewall routers might be a reasonable addition.  I looked, just a bit, at those.  I have in the past as well.  It seems either you end up with junk, it's nearly impossible for a noob to actually set up, or it costs a fortune.  Though sometimes all three can be in play.  It's a lot of work and cost for a maybe.  Still, there is that.  It seems, to be somewhat secure on the internet, you need a degree in programming, software engineering, technical electrical hardware, and a lot of time.  Even then, it's just a maybe, until the next week spot is found in the hardware, software, manufacturing process, or your service screws the pooch or rolls over for the clumsy stupid hand of Big Brother.

Never mind.  For now I am trying to figure out how to install the freeware, for starters, on my laptop.  But not online.  You have, at best, minutes before a new machine is compromised.  I live near a college, my guess is there is less time.  While a firewall router might help, a bit, just getting that set up would be a lot of cost and hassle.  But first, a great deal of research into which one, and how to set it up correctly, would have to happen.  That is, assuming even so, that I find a way to install the anti-virus and anti-malware offline, first.  Bleh.  Well, it is a problem.  Something to tinker with.

I've been having a rough week, but might be able to get back to things shortly... I hope.  I'll just add solving that problem with figuring out my camera.  I can, for now, just touch up photos on the laptop, thumb drive them to my main machine if I wish to share them, and... that'll be that.  Of course, scanning the thumb drives before any process, each way, with what is available.  I am loving the sun.  I am almost amazed how much sun we actually have.  It was so densely cloudy that it seemed like we must only have a few hours of sun, and at a scant angle.  Heck, after a week of that, it feels like spring or something seeing the sun and blue skies all day.  That might bring me around a bit. 

Later.

The sun.

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It has been dark for, it seems, the whole last week.  Nearing the winter solstice, on top of heavy cloud cover, made it seem like there wasn't a sun.  I can only guess that, at certain times of the year, some parts of the far North experience that.  What we went through was an illusion, but a strong one.  To see the sun, and blue sky, is worth the extra chill that came with it.

While opening a curtain to let some sun in, I noticed that only a bit more snow fell.  That could be called the perfect snow.  Just enough to add white, and brighten the sun more.  Sweeping did a great job on everything, though the walk will need just a touch of salt, then maybe another sweep.  Salt is great, but eventually it simply dilutes and washes away, without removing the ice, if the slush it creates isn't also removed.

Sleep was good.  A few beers, a show or two, putting everything up, I even prepped a bit for a load of dishes, roughly, last night.  I may hit the dishes, do some cleaning in the kitchen, then work on pie crusts today.  I also need to figure out security software for the new machine.  With a thumbdrive, I might be able to put something on without having to risk hooking it up first.  There are some other programs, to clear bloatware, I might want to use as well, before connecting the laptop.  It's nasty out there.  Then again, who knows how many bugs are already on the hardware.  Any device within a computer that has memory, from printers to hard drives to... lots of things... come with viruses that probably can't be detected.  Since I don't have a version of the OS, I can't flash it all.  Though I doubt flashing memory will work either.

Still, you won't be able to keep states and big corps off your machines.  You might be able to thwart some of the lower level hackers.  Just remember a computer is completely insecure, even "offline", and go from there.  Oh, right, and tape over the camera.  I need to get that done on both the laptop and smartphone.  I'm not sure if the cameras can see through certain things though.  I'll do some research on it.  Duct tape?  Ugly, but probably stops most cameras.  I wish they made lead impregnated tape.  Hmm....  I doubt if the camera has extra capacity, but who knows what can be done with a simple camera and firmware updates, or end-user editors these days.

Well... on to waking.  I hope you get a little something today.  I, for my part, will be enjoying the sun as much as possible.  An easy trade for a dip in temps.  Later.

I'm not cooking tonight.

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Mostly.  My right shoulder blade has fire in it, from it... the wing of flame thing.  The rest is good.  This is odd.  Usually when I get lit up, I stay lit for a while.  Days, sometimes weeks.  Same with when I go cold.  This is highly unusual.

I did make it to town, purchased the rest of my list and a bit more.  A rolling pin was added.  Mine is sort of broken.  This time I purchased one without a ball bearing system.  It seems, when I lean into such a device... it breaks.  Bears and some things don't mix.  I actually spoke with a woman, at the shop, who bakes and uses rolling pins frequently.  I liked her story, of using, essentially, a massive dowel.  I've tried the French type before, with tapered ends.  That... doesn't work well for me.  If I forget I am putting a lot of pressure on the item, and lift one hand...  *thwang*  the thing can go flying.  It's almost dangerous.

Cheeses, olives, tomato juice, a cast bacon press, the thumb drives... all good.  Four stores, plus a meal, and I took care of what my friend wanted help regarding.  Actually, he had a few other things on his list.  I think we got those too.  All good.  I am not even tired, if ready for bed in a natural way. 

Ah, tomato juice and olives are so that I can have beer without salt.  Or as much salt.  Which I am enjoying.  Toss in some of my habanero sauce, and call it a late, red, beertini, lunch?  Something.  I thought I would have more, but... I am tired.  I won't even drink the last... well... maybe.  I need to finish the episode I am watching, then hit the bunk.  Sleep sounds good.

It was raining and then snowing, sort of, all day.  When I got home, after taking everything in, I pulled out the shop broom and swept the driveway.  Yeah, it's a bit odd, but it works.  It was mostly just slush.  I hit the sidewalk as well.  I did not want the wet gunk to freeze.  I suppose more may fall.  But without that base layer of partially frozen liquid slurry, I am hoping it won't freeze as nastily.  No, that wasn't even an effort.  Since I was already out.  It sort of surprised me that I was able to do it all which, especially for this last week, is a lot, and not be suffering for it.  Bedtime is calling, but at the normal, right, time.  Odd day all around.

Good night.

Good morning.

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I've been up since 6:00, give or take.  A really nice wake up.  A really good morning so far.  A glass of milk, I think, a couple of episodes of the show, a bit of this, a bit of that.  Everything from last night is done, mostly.  Still a bit of sour g.i. going on, but nothing as drastic as the internal hurricane of last night.  Temps, or sensations have normalized.  Mostly.  If this is a normal part of my phase, I'll be going through this again tonight.  It's just what it is.  No worries.  I have learned to enjoy what I can, when I can.  Actually, I've learned to enjoy even worse moments, sometimes even the worst of it.  Hey, I've seriously had worse than anything I've gone through in decades.  I can't consciously remember all of it, but it's in there.  A quick flashcard of now and then is enough to know enough to realize this is better.  Plus, a little to grumble about from time to time is just fine.

Oh, today?  I'm about to place a call, then head to town.  After I get back, I'll make another call or two.  And I may get to pie crusts today.  That's the plan, and it is possible.  Well, after a cup of coffee and an episode or two.  I'll make the first call, though, right away.  Later.

Imagine a crackling fire.

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Now imagine from your waistline to the top of your skull is crackling.  Ah, there you go.  It's not a fever.  My feet are cool.  My hands are roasting.  My forehead feels slightly warm, my face is as hot or hotter than my hands.  But inside my skin I am cooking in my own juices.  My back feels as if I have flaming wings.  No real fever trauma, or anything that would suggest an actual fever.  I just never know what causes this sort of thing.  The skin on my arms is actually cold, but they feel hot to my mind.  Doesn't make sense.

I don't think the heat is a physical threat.  But it does set me up for some other things.  I fear dreaming in the near future.  I still wonder about this sort of thing, billowing heat like this, is not medical.  Spiritual, of nature, perhaps.  Why should my face and forehead be hot to very hot while my eye area be cold?  Why are my arms cold to the touch while seemingly alive with flame?  Yeah.  Oh, it could be some sort of odd medical.  Maybe that is a perfectly normal fever for some.  But this isn't like normal fevers I have had, from things like the flu.

Sunday?  Hmm...  The week... month... has flown.  I am hoping to get to town again tomorrow.  I tried calling my friend while in town.  He didn't answer.  I'll call again tonight.  Either way, I do have some shopping to do.  Good night.  

Feeling a bit better.

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Curtains open on a blustery gray day.  The thermostat, both my body's and my homes, set a bit lower.  Enough coffee and painkillers to soften the edge, the mechanical migraine being cut to size.  Thankfully this migraine was caused by muscle tension, can't do much about the other kind(s).  A bit of this, updating of Pale Moon and customizing add-ons for it.  Ad-Blocker is great, but Pale Moon has a custom setup called Adblock Latitude, which can be downloaded from their site at the link.

I'm doing everything I can to clear and clean my machine.  I keep getting pop-ups, from my "security" software, suggesting all is not good.  But the software doesn't fix anything, or offer me any way to to stop the pop-ups.  Hundreds a day, centered around, from what I can tell, just two programs.  Programs named in such a way that they could be either legitimate or viruses.  I don't have enough security-foo to know which is which.  Even if I could find the differences, finding the programs, then actually removing them, might be a bit of a trick.  Seeking help, online, is comparable to bleeding in the ocean.  You are more likely to attract sharks than lifeguards.  Not sure, these days, with the internet, if there even are such things as lifeguards.  Just... money, money, money.  If not for nothing, than worse.  Ah, but at least we have the government (breaking through the back doors, leaving them open, all for our own good, don't you know).  Bleh.  Can't wait till the brownout ends.  Though it's looking like the brownout has become permanent.  Jeb?  Really?  It's good for business though.  Crony capitalist business.  No less, or more, than now.  Just a different group of favored "capitalists" munching on public dough.  I guess you get every cent you pay, I suppose unless you pay at gunpoint, innit.

Yeah, grumpy.  Because I know they are working together against our interests.  There are a few, but even they can't be trusted very far.  Populists of one bent or another.  Is that really as good as it gets?  Maybe.  For the foreseeable future that seems to be it.  It won't be a bright, or long, future though.  Maybe they really are having to compromise to keep the guts of the thing in.  I seriously doubt it, but it is possible.  I do realize, if they let it spill, it will hurt.  And for a very long time.  For generations.  But keeping it in is just creating festering madness and it will only get worse.  I am on the side of nature.  If the patient can't survive, don't Frankenstein it.  Just let it be.  They aren't, though, trying to keep it together for us.  They are used to lattes and silk, sex at a call, doses per request.  They don't even know how to handle hard things, like real life.

I may take another dose of painkillers in a few hours, then try to figure out some things.  I still have a call to make.  I will probably watch a few more episodes before doing much.  And I suspect, if I decide to make crusts, I might just make a half dozen of them at once, refrigerating what I don't use today.  Wrapped in plastic wrap, then placed in air-tight containers, they should last a few days anyway.  I used to be really good at making pie crusts.  A bit of lard and a bit of butter.  This time, probably, just butter.  Though I may break into my coconut "lard".  I've got an unopened container in the fridge.  Crusts today, then tomorrow, if I behave and clean up, the first quiche pie or two.  Oh... but I forgot cheeses.  Gah!  Always something.

Later.

Good bloody morning.

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No anger, just a serious bit of pain.  A small pile of anacin, right after medicines, I am hoping, will bring some peace to my shoulder, neck, and headache pains.  Oh, I like those, some days.  Not this particular day.  I'm not in the mood.  Usually those will fade with darkness as the day moves along.  Not today, I can tell, without a little help.  Even pain killers are merely going to sooth, not remedy.  I only missed, in the end, a single day of medication, if... I bundled to catch up an half day.  But I missed two days of insulin.  I'm not sure why it is this brutal.  I've missed, when on higher doses, for a week or two before hitting this kind of crescendo of pain.  This feels like that sort of pain set.  Hey, missing medicines, of both types, kills some people, I shouldn't complain.  Feels like I've been sapped with a blackjack.  Thing is, I know that won't do it.  I've been punched, blackjacked, and batoned in the back of the head by pros, to no good effect (for them), or even a headache the next day.  By the way, don't do that.  The last guy ended up in the hospital for a week, and I was going as easy on him as I could.  I knew he was just a dumb putz, tried not to put the hurt on him.  Would have killed him otherwise.

Right now, however, I feel as if a spike was driven into the base of my skull.  That may be why I am burning, too.  But that doesn't make sense, exactly.  I've been eating right, low carb, right amounts, mostly.  I just can't figure this out.  It happens.  It was, I think, in the 30's last night while out a bit.  I could not cool down.  I was burning up.  Got home, got everything in, stripped to a t and shorts, turned the thermo down to 66.  I'm still cooking this morning.  Feet and hands are a bit cool, but the rest of me is roasting.  Just a wee bit of nausea too.  If that is a new development.  Ugh.

No snow, but it is raining, I think.  I am almost sure I heard rain on the roof last night.  I don't know whether to wish for snow or not.  You never know how much will arrive, or how long the system will stay.  I do like the look of snow, so long as it doesn't arrive by the foot, or three, and then drop several times a week for a month or two.  That gets old fast.  A snowblower is still a good lot of work, it is merely less than a shovel... unless all hands are on deck.  Four shovels beat one snowblower, at least with what I need to clear.  Got to admit though, if I am ever a dad, it will be done with shovels.  A new friend showed me the light on that topic.

Hmm, today?  I am not sure.  I will attempt to not let this life gunk slow me down too much.  I don't know.  I did buy enough stuff to begin making quiche.  I also purchased an appliance cart.  I don't know if this is the cart I want, and I have some time to return it.  I want to try it on my steps, bringing the old water heater up, and see if my friend still needs some help with it.  If it passes muster, I'll keep it.  If not, I'll return it and go bigger and better, or different.  So many choices, many of which aren't worth it, or too specialized or weak.  Never easy, is it.  Which... for now... I actually like.  It's not always in success, but effort, that gratification can be found.  Those who find a way to only find gratification, to my mind, are often the most lost.  They can't handle reality.  I know from experimentation on a grand scale that there is no way to pure success.  That is an illusion only abiding evil can create.  That path leads to monsterhood.  So... a call, perhaps some baking and cooking, and a few other things... but not quite yet.  Coffee!  That might help with the headache too.  And pulling out of the slump.  Later.