.
.
Whoa! Really rough days. It's been difficult to take my medicine, track what day it is, or... anything. To redevelop order, I am putting my foot down. Brushing teeth must continue, medicine must be taken, and I have to figure out how to take my medicines. I can't control drift but I must try. I was lost there for a bit, fair enough. I am still lost, but becoming aware. So, back to it.
A local called. I almost suspect my mother had something to do with that. She now has a contact here. Perhaps not, just a suspicion, but... In our conversation I indicated that next year I would like, if they could and would allow it, to help with their garden. They have a huge garden, and some of the things they grow are amazing for this area. This is a desert, and just because you water things doesn't mean they will grow. Celery? Really? Yep. Not only that, but their yields are to die for, right in the middle of a desert. The Misses cans and otherwise stores large amounts of food. They don't buy canned goods, for the most part. It seems they would be happy to have me help while they teach me. He suggested that the reason they do so well is that they spend their whole summer literally wrapped up in their garden. So much so they can't really take a vacation. And, the Misses is the green thumb, the Mister just 'follows orders' and I would be 'given orders' as well. He asked if I could handle that, and I chortled just a bit. Of course, how else is there? All fair enough. I even suggested, if I train up well enough, perhaps I could tend their garden so they could take some time off from time to time. A decent trade, to my mind. And I hope to learn a great deal. Planting, watering cycles, rows, what type of produce I would like (as they have far larger of a garden than I will grow), tending the soil. From a true Mistress of the garden. And, if I can help them take a couple of vacations a summer, all on the good side.
The Mister and myself also discussed women. He asked if I understood that women are in charge. Of course, says I. Women, good women, don't just move in and take ownership, they run the home. From heat levels to when meals are had to... well, everything mundane is theirs. And, it does become a woman's home, we are guests in it no matter that we bought it. Of course I know this. Now, men, if they are wise, will guide this process. A good man, regarding the home, finances, and such, should bring wisdom to the thing, not the actual running of the operation. And men do have veto power. I may have... left him thinking the wrong thing though. I forgot to add "mundane". Beyond the physical, women are subordinate. The bible and all tradition of which I am aware puts men as the head of the house in all manners, allowing for the relegation of duties and responsibilities. But when it comes to the soul, men are in charge. We either drive our family to heaven or hell. Relegating that duty is a sure way to end up in hell. Man is in charge, but if he is wise, he will give many of the worldly affairs over to the woman. No one has to like it, but like when falling from a high place, you don't have to like gravity either, but there it is.
Yes, yes, if I find a woman, I have zero doubt that I will be taking orders. When my lady friend is here, even then, even though we are no longer lovers, she takes over. How hot does she want the home? When is she hungry? Does she need this or that? It is all about her. Same with my mother. Women own homes, even homes they don't own. I take orders. I know my place. Make no doubt. However, in love, money, and things of God, a man best be on his toes and own up to his place. He has to rule the roost or the hen will fly or go the rest of the way crazy. Rule, we must, but with a level even but strong if gentle hand. I am no philistine in these matters. I have lost hens and let hens go and even chucked a couple of them. *evil grins*
How much I can do I will never know until I get to it. But as I see it, I need to put things in front of me before I can take that first step. I need tasks, ones that don't cost, ones I can see progress being made regarding. I have to have a job before I can do work. My mind simply isn't great at... creating work. Or, work that I know how to, or can afford, to do. They don't live far, but far enough that I could ride my bike 'to work'. It will be sticking too it, with my ever changing schedule, that will be the trick. We will see.
Later.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
Which is worse, total exhaustion or insomnia?
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Never mind. Since I seem to be suffering from both. How is that even possible. Between sleeping 14 to 16 hours, I am staying up seemingly forever but in a haze on top of it. It is better than a week ago, and actually by a goodly bit, but not to the point where function has increased. I merely feel better, sleep a little less, and am more awake when I am able to be awake. It is purely just a sense of things at this point. The reprieve from medicines was nice, but not sustainable for real medical reason (and supposedly potentially lethal, both going off and then back on at full(ish) dosage, are potentially fatal and extremely dangerous, or so I was scolded, if I only felt and continue to feel better). I will give this slight cut in dose a couple of weeks. And if I am still in limbo, I will cut it a bit more. At least I have some... function, control, back at this slightly lowered dose. But it's still quite rough.
I am out of soda. I won't be buying more for a while. Once every couple of months I buy a 12-pack or case and enjoy. I drink it as fast or slowly as I like. Regular drinking was starting to bring my A1C closer to 6.0 so I have gone to intermittent consumption of the sugary stuff. I don't want to tip over 6. How odd though, that a few changes honestly did, essentially, cure diabetes. My A1C, if you remember, was over 11.0 for a while and may have been over 13 iirc, without soda and on medicines. Then medicines only brought that to 8.0 or 9.0. When I tossed the medicine and went to meats, home-cooked whole grains, rice, and beans, and just ignored it, and quit with the doctors for a couple of years, my diabetes was gone when I finally went back to the doctor. Don't ask me, I honestly don't know. But I certainly have another reason not to believe a thing out of doctor's mouth. They obviously don't know, at least about me.
I have ceased to be quite so grumpy about and disappointed with doctors. For all I know, when I say I am not a sheep, I think that may mean in more ways than just religious. I was built differently, made to be and act differently. I honestly sometimes have to wonder just how typically human I am. Which, of course, has lead me to speculation, being a giant being one of the alternative notions. And, I think that I have grown at least an inch and a half since my late 20's, early 30's, suggests I might have that as a medically definable thing, not just some mythological notion. So, yeah, I guess I have let them off the hook, if too, it means they cannot be relied upon. I must use them to my ends and pretty much ignore them. Though I was a bit miffed at being told I should have called. Of the four times I have called them I have never had good luck with getting help. What is there for me to trust? I am alone and will do what I must, for me. They certainly thave no means of helping me. I am a bit angry at their incrimination after their continued failures. I cannot boon failure with continued effort or belief.
Pretty beat up, I feel like a salmon who has made his run, spawned, and yet still lives and could make it back to the ocean... if. I. could. just... make it. Ugh! Hey, I will do what I can. I think it is the constant pounding that keeps me going sometimes. Later.
.
Never mind. Since I seem to be suffering from both. How is that even possible. Between sleeping 14 to 16 hours, I am staying up seemingly forever but in a haze on top of it. It is better than a week ago, and actually by a goodly bit, but not to the point where function has increased. I merely feel better, sleep a little less, and am more awake when I am able to be awake. It is purely just a sense of things at this point. The reprieve from medicines was nice, but not sustainable for real medical reason (and supposedly potentially lethal, both going off and then back on at full(ish) dosage, are potentially fatal and extremely dangerous, or so I was scolded, if I only felt and continue to feel better). I will give this slight cut in dose a couple of weeks. And if I am still in limbo, I will cut it a bit more. At least I have some... function, control, back at this slightly lowered dose. But it's still quite rough.
I am out of soda. I won't be buying more for a while. Once every couple of months I buy a 12-pack or case and enjoy. I drink it as fast or slowly as I like. Regular drinking was starting to bring my A1C closer to 6.0 so I have gone to intermittent consumption of the sugary stuff. I don't want to tip over 6. How odd though, that a few changes honestly did, essentially, cure diabetes. My A1C, if you remember, was over 11.0 for a while and may have been over 13 iirc, without soda and on medicines. Then medicines only brought that to 8.0 or 9.0. When I tossed the medicine and went to meats, home-cooked whole grains, rice, and beans, and just ignored it, and quit with the doctors for a couple of years, my diabetes was gone when I finally went back to the doctor. Don't ask me, I honestly don't know. But I certainly have another reason not to believe a thing out of doctor's mouth. They obviously don't know, at least about me.
I have ceased to be quite so grumpy about and disappointed with doctors. For all I know, when I say I am not a sheep, I think that may mean in more ways than just religious. I was built differently, made to be and act differently. I honestly sometimes have to wonder just how typically human I am. Which, of course, has lead me to speculation, being a giant being one of the alternative notions. And, I think that I have grown at least an inch and a half since my late 20's, early 30's, suggests I might have that as a medically definable thing, not just some mythological notion. So, yeah, I guess I have let them off the hook, if too, it means they cannot be relied upon. I must use them to my ends and pretty much ignore them. Though I was a bit miffed at being told I should have called. Of the four times I have called them I have never had good luck with getting help. What is there for me to trust? I am alone and will do what I must, for me. They certainly thave no means of helping me. I am a bit angry at their incrimination after their continued failures. I cannot boon failure with continued effort or belief.
Pretty beat up, I feel like a salmon who has made his run, spawned, and yet still lives and could make it back to the ocean... if. I. could. just... make it. Ugh! Hey, I will do what I can. I think it is the constant pounding that keeps me going sometimes. Later.
A call from my lady friend.
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It's always nice to get a call. All of my people seem to wait a week or more to call me back, but then it becomes a surprise since I had... forgotten. Squirrels must go through this when they bury nuts all fall and then just stumble across one they forgot. Yipee!
She may have found a place to garden. She has been canoeing instead this year. And while she loves to canoe, gardening seems to have her heart. She sounds good, broke and more as ever, but good. She has found a new star to obsess herself with as well. Since Harry Potter is done, she got tired of Katharine Hepburn, and for some reason she lost interest in the Twilight series at the third movie, she has moved on to Russel Crowe. Good call, by my measures.
I told her that I bought a bike, and had been a bit more active until medicine, as it was raised, decreased my abilities. I told her the long and short of the miraculous bad heart. She wonders if I will die before she gets to move in. I just said that I wasn't that lucky. I was talking about dying, but saw the double entendre and left it at that. Let her figure it out! heh I told her about some of my hopes, too. I told her she is a goth girl. She doesn't know what that means, but I think if she had been raised in the modern era (as with me), we would have been goths. Thank goodness for not though! Mostly.
The missionaries came by yesterday, and brought a 'supervisor' and I think an elderly gentleman who seems to be something like a community outreach type of actor. I think I surprised them with just what I do know. Even having read the bible, but more, understanding certain concepts and being able to complete them (if not always the way they understand it, if more fully). While we were talking, the older man suggested that I was rather... individual, independent. To which I suggest that I am not of the sheep, if too I am not a wolf. The room got quiet, perhaps what he suggested or what I replied, offhandedly, has special significance for them. Who knows but that I will probably never know. Actually, it almost startled me when I hear it. But, yeah, I think that is true. What is not a wolf or a sheep, by the way? In literal and biblically literary terms?
It's about bed time. You say good day, I say good night. Hmm, almost song worthy, with a little tweaking and a ride on the wayback machine. Have a good one.
.
It's always nice to get a call. All of my people seem to wait a week or more to call me back, but then it becomes a surprise since I had... forgotten. Squirrels must go through this when they bury nuts all fall and then just stumble across one they forgot. Yipee!
She may have found a place to garden. She has been canoeing instead this year. And while she loves to canoe, gardening seems to have her heart. She sounds good, broke and more as ever, but good. She has found a new star to obsess herself with as well. Since Harry Potter is done, she got tired of Katharine Hepburn, and for some reason she lost interest in the Twilight series at the third movie, she has moved on to Russel Crowe. Good call, by my measures.
I told her that I bought a bike, and had been a bit more active until medicine, as it was raised, decreased my abilities. I told her the long and short of the miraculous bad heart. She wonders if I will die before she gets to move in. I just said that I wasn't that lucky. I was talking about dying, but saw the double entendre and left it at that. Let her figure it out! heh I told her about some of my hopes, too. I told her she is a goth girl. She doesn't know what that means, but I think if she had been raised in the modern era (as with me), we would have been goths. Thank goodness for not though! Mostly.
The missionaries came by yesterday, and brought a 'supervisor' and I think an elderly gentleman who seems to be something like a community outreach type of actor. I think I surprised them with just what I do know. Even having read the bible, but more, understanding certain concepts and being able to complete them (if not always the way they understand it, if more fully). While we were talking, the older man suggested that I was rather... individual, independent. To which I suggest that I am not of the sheep, if too I am not a wolf. The room got quiet, perhaps what he suggested or what I replied, offhandedly, has special significance for them. Who knows but that I will probably never know. Actually, it almost startled me when I hear it. But, yeah, I think that is true. What is not a wolf or a sheep, by the way? In literal and biblically literary terms?
It's about bed time. You say good day, I say good night. Hmm, almost song worthy, with a little tweaking and a ride on the wayback machine. Have a good one.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Are you a liar?
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And, before you ask, yes. I am. It is a rare thing, to my mind, for me to lie. But sometimes I cover for my weakness, illness, by lying. Sometimes I lie because to tell the whole story is more than I wish to share. These lies are pretty much kept to associates, people I don't know extremely well. My family and friends get both barrels. I consider social lying as a form of diplomacy, and only to be used to change a subject or decline an offer, and rarely at that. I have, for the most part, and to my understanding of things, written as close to the truth here as I am able. And still, some of it is not true. Offering several versions of how I see, sense, remember things here, in which the versions can be only one being true the other false, I have lied. For my part, on some things, I have great confusion. In short, I don't always know the truth. I would guess my truth is that I give you what I believe at a particular moment, so it is my beliefs that are false. And that I give you all of what I believe, even if only one of two options can be true. I have no choice, it was how I was built, I think.
Here is an interesting video on the topic. Stolen, directly, from Ace of Spades HQ (somewhere there).
For my part, I don't believe you. It is just the way I am. I will, for the sake of argument, believe that you believe you. Should you fail in this regard, and I come to find out you don't even believe you, depending on the situation, I may set you aside, set you aside on some things, or understand you have a particular weakness. If, in time, I come to believe both that you believe you and that you speak truth in real terms, then I will honor you, befriend you (even if it pains me). But, as I said, default is disbelief with a charity of allowance. I can't say I am good at telling when I am being lied to though. The truth, usually, does come out. And, basically, with my philosophy noted above, for the most part, it simply doesn't matter. Actually, when I meet people, I think the reason, save for blacks, that I get a good reception, is that people believe me. Which is why I would, could, never go into sales, politics, or some other things. Never mind, just, for my own conscience, I couldn't, wouldn't, do that. (And yet I understand the need for such people. Hush!)
And I agree with the video. Lying is usually an agreed state between two people, save when it isn't. Usually it is though. Most people aren't con men. Every woman I have ever been with has lied, to save peace in the relationship or get tasks done or even just because a bit (save one, but she still lied, though more because she was lost and her reasoning was beyond weak). My mother, while visiting and all through my life, has lied. White lies, and some black lies, from most people. Which is anathema to me, especially from people who are close to me or seek to be. As someone who has struggled with truth, about my confused past, it is like quitting smoking only to find yourself among smokers. It is more than annoying, it is potentially intoxicating. The best liars are the unknowing liars, by the way. If I were to formulate a lie, I would find someone ignorant and pliable, teach them the lie as truth, and send them to whoever it is I wished to tell the lie to as if they were the originator of the "truth". The best lie is the one that is told by the one who believes it.
I should also add that being truthful, to elites, is proof of... being a peasant. From professors to doctors to politicians, lying isn't just an art, it's a science and a means of providing bona fides to their eliteness. More so if they can get the 'peasant' to not only believe, but act on, the falsity of the lie. Al Gore must be having a wonderful time, as did Clinton when he was president. Zero must be enjoying living out his fantasy, if the loss of the House sort of ended his deceptive enactments to a degree. "The peasants are demanding food, your highness, food we cannot provide"! his Highness, "Just tell them food will be arriving in three days, a week tops". "But sire, there is no food". His highness, "There need not be any food, it will simply scatter the crowd for now. After which, you find the leaders and... bring them to me". It hasn't always been just about... elite bona fides. It still isn't, and has a very dark side.
The whole notion reminds me of a old joke. Angie was getting ready for the second date with her new boyfriend. Her brother, who had never been on a second date, let alone a first one, asked Angie how she gets to the second date. Angie just suggests that herself and her date had lied well enough on the first date for a second try! Yeah, okay, old jokes were a bit quaint in these modern times. But I still... enjoyed the honesty surrounding lies and liars and relationships. The truth about lies? How... novel, avant garde... passe? Who knows and never you mind anywhile.
Never mind. I enjoyed the video and the notions and thought to share it on this sunny day. It's sunny where I live and I am enjoying it. If it's not sunny were you live? Sad to be you! No lie. :p
.
And, before you ask, yes. I am. It is a rare thing, to my mind, for me to lie. But sometimes I cover for my weakness, illness, by lying. Sometimes I lie because to tell the whole story is more than I wish to share. These lies are pretty much kept to associates, people I don't know extremely well. My family and friends get both barrels. I consider social lying as a form of diplomacy, and only to be used to change a subject or decline an offer, and rarely at that. I have, for the most part, and to my understanding of things, written as close to the truth here as I am able. And still, some of it is not true. Offering several versions of how I see, sense, remember things here, in which the versions can be only one being true the other false, I have lied. For my part, on some things, I have great confusion. In short, I don't always know the truth. I would guess my truth is that I give you what I believe at a particular moment, so it is my beliefs that are false. And that I give you all of what I believe, even if only one of two options can be true. I have no choice, it was how I was built, I think.
Here is an interesting video on the topic. Stolen, directly, from Ace of Spades HQ (somewhere there).
For my part, I don't believe you. It is just the way I am. I will, for the sake of argument, believe that you believe you. Should you fail in this regard, and I come to find out you don't even believe you, depending on the situation, I may set you aside, set you aside on some things, or understand you have a particular weakness. If, in time, I come to believe both that you believe you and that you speak truth in real terms, then I will honor you, befriend you (even if it pains me). But, as I said, default is disbelief with a charity of allowance. I can't say I am good at telling when I am being lied to though. The truth, usually, does come out. And, basically, with my philosophy noted above, for the most part, it simply doesn't matter. Actually, when I meet people, I think the reason, save for blacks, that I get a good reception, is that people believe me. Which is why I would, could, never go into sales, politics, or some other things. Never mind, just, for my own conscience, I couldn't, wouldn't, do that. (And yet I understand the need for such people. Hush!)
And I agree with the video. Lying is usually an agreed state between two people, save when it isn't. Usually it is though. Most people aren't con men. Every woman I have ever been with has lied, to save peace in the relationship or get tasks done or even just because a bit (save one, but she still lied, though more because she was lost and her reasoning was beyond weak). My mother, while visiting and all through my life, has lied. White lies, and some black lies, from most people. Which is anathema to me, especially from people who are close to me or seek to be. As someone who has struggled with truth, about my confused past, it is like quitting smoking only to find yourself among smokers. It is more than annoying, it is potentially intoxicating. The best liars are the unknowing liars, by the way. If I were to formulate a lie, I would find someone ignorant and pliable, teach them the lie as truth, and send them to whoever it is I wished to tell the lie to as if they were the originator of the "truth". The best lie is the one that is told by the one who believes it.
I should also add that being truthful, to elites, is proof of... being a peasant. From professors to doctors to politicians, lying isn't just an art, it's a science and a means of providing bona fides to their eliteness. More so if they can get the 'peasant' to not only believe, but act on, the falsity of the lie. Al Gore must be having a wonderful time, as did Clinton when he was president. Zero must be enjoying living out his fantasy, if the loss of the House sort of ended his deceptive enactments to a degree. "The peasants are demanding food, your highness, food we cannot provide"! his Highness, "Just tell them food will be arriving in three days, a week tops". "But sire, there is no food". His highness, "There need not be any food, it will simply scatter the crowd for now. After which, you find the leaders and... bring them to me". It hasn't always been just about... elite bona fides. It still isn't, and has a very dark side.
The whole notion reminds me of a old joke. Angie was getting ready for the second date with her new boyfriend. Her brother, who had never been on a second date, let alone a first one, asked Angie how she gets to the second date. Angie just suggests that herself and her date had lied well enough on the first date for a second try! Yeah, okay, old jokes were a bit quaint in these modern times. But I still... enjoyed the honesty surrounding lies and liars and relationships. The truth about lies? How... novel, avant garde... passe? Who knows and never you mind anywhile.
Never mind. I enjoyed the video and the notions and thought to share it on this sunny day. It's sunny where I live and I am enjoying it. If it's not sunny were you live? Sad to be you! No lie. :p
Okay, now I have to say...
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While I do call myself libertarian, it is in the conservative-libertarian vein. I must say, however, that I am seeing very strange beliefs among some of the more prominent libertarian types I know. For example, D.C. suggesting that a return to the 2007 federal spending levels as being quite good (you do realize you are supporting President Bush, no you are, by saying that, right?); Vox supporting the OWC crowd; the mixing of Rand Paul and McCain; Ron Paul running on the Republican ticket, and offering an unconstitutional (parts of it) economic plan (without a word from the "pro-constitution" guys), and a dozen other oddities.
There is much aggrievement from many libertarians about the Tea Party being a Republican ploy. And... what, exactly, is the libertarian party? It's a younger (generally) version of the Tea Party, more fully expressed into it's own party if never too seriously. Both have elements that are outside, or apart from, the Republican party. But for the most part, they are merely tools of change. They are the social, civil, elements of the party, the voters, demanding reform and a return to (possibly fictional, if laudable and possibly functional new roots if true) roots of the Republican party. So I laugh deliciously to see libertarians ripping Tea Partiers. Especially as a guy who has a foot in all three political groups. Kinda neat to have three legs, by the way. It's like pink calling lavender 'teh gey'. heh
I don't value protests as anything, for the most part, but see them almost solely as disorders. I see them as means of creating chaos on the streets which offers a power grab for certain groups. While Zero is smiling like an idiot, don't think he and his cohort aren't considering how they could use this to grab power. One or two major acts of violence, or the allowance of riots for some time, would make people stay mum if he decides to eliminate civil rights. He wouldn't use it on these groups, so much, mind you. He would use it to destroy the Tea Party, or try. The OWC'ers are, or could easily morph into, Zero's 'brownshirts'. Now, I also don't classify a rally, such as what the Tea Party puts on, as protest. That is quite different. I really shouldn't have to be explaining this to adults, but it seems as if some libertarian types can't or won't see the difference.
Sometimes I feel very alone. I quit the Republican party, I'm not quite Tea Party, if I have huge sympathies, empathy, and agreement. And while I hold some libertarian thought, I would not say I am a true libertarian, either. But more, when I see people who should know better throwing in with what Zero, the communist and neo-NAZI parties, and other rogue elements, are also supporting, I... get a chill.
Still, I get a chuckle too. Children, indeed. IQ means nothing if it is not used. And petty jealousy is so inelegant. The libertarian party is dying. The Tea Party is rising. But neither, to my way of thinking, will or even were meant to last. They will and have provided seed that is blossoming into a new Republican party. They have an end date, a best if used by stamp, based on changes to government. That is all they were ever meant to do, even by the founders of those movements, whether admitted to or not. There simply isn't room for another party unless one or both of the old ones dies. Though, with Democrats, unless they can grab enough power quickly enough to inextricably kill this nation as we know it and make it into a one-party system, might be up for extinction. If we can make it to the next election, I think, and a constitutional amendment limiting spending to income, we will be fine. It's a race. So, perhaps the Libertarian party actually has a place, in such a case. Until an extinction occurs though, these groups are merely... seed and fruit. Bah!
.
While I do call myself libertarian, it is in the conservative-libertarian vein. I must say, however, that I am seeing very strange beliefs among some of the more prominent libertarian types I know. For example, D.C. suggesting that a return to the 2007 federal spending levels as being quite good (you do realize you are supporting President Bush, no you are, by saying that, right?); Vox supporting the OWC crowd; the mixing of Rand Paul and McCain; Ron Paul running on the Republican ticket, and offering an unconstitutional (parts of it) economic plan (without a word from the "pro-constitution" guys), and a dozen other oddities.
There is much aggrievement from many libertarians about the Tea Party being a Republican ploy. And... what, exactly, is the libertarian party? It's a younger (generally) version of the Tea Party, more fully expressed into it's own party if never too seriously. Both have elements that are outside, or apart from, the Republican party. But for the most part, they are merely tools of change. They are the social, civil, elements of the party, the voters, demanding reform and a return to (possibly fictional, if laudable and possibly functional new roots if true) roots of the Republican party. So I laugh deliciously to see libertarians ripping Tea Partiers. Especially as a guy who has a foot in all three political groups. Kinda neat to have three legs, by the way. It's like pink calling lavender 'teh gey'. heh
I don't value protests as anything, for the most part, but see them almost solely as disorders. I see them as means of creating chaos on the streets which offers a power grab for certain groups. While Zero is smiling like an idiot, don't think he and his cohort aren't considering how they could use this to grab power. One or two major acts of violence, or the allowance of riots for some time, would make people stay mum if he decides to eliminate civil rights. He wouldn't use it on these groups, so much, mind you. He would use it to destroy the Tea Party, or try. The OWC'ers are, or could easily morph into, Zero's 'brownshirts'. Now, I also don't classify a rally, such as what the Tea Party puts on, as protest. That is quite different. I really shouldn't have to be explaining this to adults, but it seems as if some libertarian types can't or won't see the difference.
Sometimes I feel very alone. I quit the Republican party, I'm not quite Tea Party, if I have huge sympathies, empathy, and agreement. And while I hold some libertarian thought, I would not say I am a true libertarian, either. But more, when I see people who should know better throwing in with what Zero, the communist and neo-NAZI parties, and other rogue elements, are also supporting, I... get a chill.
Still, I get a chuckle too. Children, indeed. IQ means nothing if it is not used. And petty jealousy is so inelegant. The libertarian party is dying. The Tea Party is rising. But neither, to my way of thinking, will or even were meant to last. They will and have provided seed that is blossoming into a new Republican party. They have an end date, a best if used by stamp, based on changes to government. That is all they were ever meant to do, even by the founders of those movements, whether admitted to or not. There simply isn't room for another party unless one or both of the old ones dies. Though, with Democrats, unless they can grab enough power quickly enough to inextricably kill this nation as we know it and make it into a one-party system, might be up for extinction. If we can make it to the next election, I think, and a constitutional amendment limiting spending to income, we will be fine. It's a race. So, perhaps the Libertarian party actually has a place, in such a case. Until an extinction occurs though, these groups are merely... seed and fruit. Bah!
An interesting day.
.
.
My doctor and dental appointments were a bit tough. They didn't like that I had quit my meds for three days. "You should have called"! "It really could have killed you"! "What were you thinking"! "Hold off, cease, desist!", says I. As for the fact that it could have killed me, if I hadn't stopped, I would have gone into unconsciousness and dropped the medicines, not for a day but for weeks or months, and missed appointments. I am strongly fragile, I seem to be able to deal with things I shouldn't be able to handle (dropping meds) and not handle what they say I should be able to handle (medicine). If they don't understand that, how can I? I am not a doctor, specialist, or anything. I'm just the end user of a really screwed up body. As for what I was thinking, that is the point. I couldn't think, not even to call.
I really am not crazy. Jaded, a bit, but not crazy. Ill, to be sure, but merely bodily. They don't know what is wrong, nor do I. They are treating a severe heart condition but don't even know what else is wrong with me. Depression? Then why do the heart meds make it worse and medicines supposed to treat it do nothing but add side effects? Yes, I realize my brain is affected by whatever illnesses exist, but not into insanity, more into simply not being able to think. As I said, it would be like camping in a truly cold environment where you can never quite get warm. At near hypothermic conditions, your ability to think simply becomes limited. That explains my condition on higher doses of medicine perfectly. And yet, no matter how often I explain this it is more akin to talking to a brick wall then getting through.
I was told, because of my bad behavior, that I will not be a candidate for a heart transplant should my heart not improve. I told them that I would not even consider a heart transplant. I was told, "Many people say that, but when faced with it they often choose to undergo the procedure". I laughed (a quick outburst), then told them, from the initial consultations, that I had thought I was already at that point and still rejected it. I won't become a Frankenstein freak for their medical experimentation. It is good to know that, since I can't "follow orders", I am not a candidate. Call it doubling down, so that they can't sneak it in on me should I be unconscious and they try to work it past my mother. To say they were angry at me would be to be generous. They didn't say anything bad, they simply didn't want to... deal with me. My next appointment is not until... late January. I guess if you aren't a 'favored son', being prepped for some grand medical experiment, to be useful in their teaching forum, you are a chump. So be it. I am on my own, and knew that from the beginning. I just didn't understand all the rules upfront. I am learning.
The other test, I am told, was not dealing with electrical current or such, but some sort of pressure testing at various points in my heart. As I had said, those numbers all came back very good. The notion that this was some sort of virus was again suggested as the very highly most likely source. I asked how long it takes a heart to get this bad. They had no answer, not even a ballpark. I would still suggest that this has been a very long term event, possibly even to childhood, if I have no proof. I go completely by the fact that I was having "energy" issues, even when young. That wall of exhaustion, limits at times that would come and go, sleep issues. They could be related to social problems, moving often, changing families like some people change clothes, having no stability, things of that nature. But a mildly ill and worsening heart, exacerbated by stresses, could easily fit in there.
The dentist was another matter. I do have some work to be done. My teeth are in excellent condition, in spite of years of abuse and using "chaw" since I was 12. Two visits will be needed to fix things up. It does give me incentive to quit "chewing", if that isn't the whole problem it will help. One real cavity and a good number of 'fixes', including repairing a chipped tooth. My teeth are a bit rough from decades of another form of chewing. I used to literally eat my teeth by grinding them. I have "learned" not to do so. My jaw has improved a great deal and my baby-looking teeth (from being chewed down) are no longer receding. But... they are pretty ragged.
It all seems depressing. Even with silver linings. Sometimes I see the dark clouds, sometimes I see the silver lining, usually I see both. Today, though, dark clouds are all I can get myself to focus upon. The world seems chill, cold, hard, mean. No worries, I will pick myself up like I always do. And I will even be grateful for this dark hard cruel day. It makes the normal and better days... more valuable by comparison. And, yes, even in my darkest days these days, I love life. I like being alive. I enjoy the company of others. So, no worries. While I can come down, I will rise all the better.
Later, or... maybe back to bed for a bit.
.
My doctor and dental appointments were a bit tough. They didn't like that I had quit my meds for three days. "You should have called"! "It really could have killed you"! "What were you thinking"! "Hold off, cease, desist!", says I. As for the fact that it could have killed me, if I hadn't stopped, I would have gone into unconsciousness and dropped the medicines, not for a day but for weeks or months, and missed appointments. I am strongly fragile, I seem to be able to deal with things I shouldn't be able to handle (dropping meds) and not handle what they say I should be able to handle (medicine). If they don't understand that, how can I? I am not a doctor, specialist, or anything. I'm just the end user of a really screwed up body. As for what I was thinking, that is the point. I couldn't think, not even to call.
I really am not crazy. Jaded, a bit, but not crazy. Ill, to be sure, but merely bodily. They don't know what is wrong, nor do I. They are treating a severe heart condition but don't even know what else is wrong with me. Depression? Then why do the heart meds make it worse and medicines supposed to treat it do nothing but add side effects? Yes, I realize my brain is affected by whatever illnesses exist, but not into insanity, more into simply not being able to think. As I said, it would be like camping in a truly cold environment where you can never quite get warm. At near hypothermic conditions, your ability to think simply becomes limited. That explains my condition on higher doses of medicine perfectly. And yet, no matter how often I explain this it is more akin to talking to a brick wall then getting through.
I was told, because of my bad behavior, that I will not be a candidate for a heart transplant should my heart not improve. I told them that I would not even consider a heart transplant. I was told, "Many people say that, but when faced with it they often choose to undergo the procedure". I laughed (a quick outburst), then told them, from the initial consultations, that I had thought I was already at that point and still rejected it. I won't become a Frankenstein freak for their medical experimentation. It is good to know that, since I can't "follow orders", I am not a candidate. Call it doubling down, so that they can't sneak it in on me should I be unconscious and they try to work it past my mother. To say they were angry at me would be to be generous. They didn't say anything bad, they simply didn't want to... deal with me. My next appointment is not until... late January. I guess if you aren't a 'favored son', being prepped for some grand medical experiment, to be useful in their teaching forum, you are a chump. So be it. I am on my own, and knew that from the beginning. I just didn't understand all the rules upfront. I am learning.
The other test, I am told, was not dealing with electrical current or such, but some sort of pressure testing at various points in my heart. As I had said, those numbers all came back very good. The notion that this was some sort of virus was again suggested as the very highly most likely source. I asked how long it takes a heart to get this bad. They had no answer, not even a ballpark. I would still suggest that this has been a very long term event, possibly even to childhood, if I have no proof. I go completely by the fact that I was having "energy" issues, even when young. That wall of exhaustion, limits at times that would come and go, sleep issues. They could be related to social problems, moving often, changing families like some people change clothes, having no stability, things of that nature. But a mildly ill and worsening heart, exacerbated by stresses, could easily fit in there.
The dentist was another matter. I do have some work to be done. My teeth are in excellent condition, in spite of years of abuse and using "chaw" since I was 12. Two visits will be needed to fix things up. It does give me incentive to quit "chewing", if that isn't the whole problem it will help. One real cavity and a good number of 'fixes', including repairing a chipped tooth. My teeth are a bit rough from decades of another form of chewing. I used to literally eat my teeth by grinding them. I have "learned" not to do so. My jaw has improved a great deal and my baby-looking teeth (from being chewed down) are no longer receding. But... they are pretty ragged.
It all seems depressing. Even with silver linings. Sometimes I see the dark clouds, sometimes I see the silver lining, usually I see both. Today, though, dark clouds are all I can get myself to focus upon. The world seems chill, cold, hard, mean. No worries, I will pick myself up like I always do. And I will even be grateful for this dark hard cruel day. It makes the normal and better days... more valuable by comparison. And, yes, even in my darkest days these days, I love life. I like being alive. I enjoy the company of others. So, no worries. While I can come down, I will rise all the better.
Later, or... maybe back to bed for a bit.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Yeah, well, some things are moving forward.
.
.
I almost forgot about the beans that I had set to soak. They are cooking. I also cooked rice but that is done. The wonderful thing about cooking is the cook gets to sample some of the freshly cooked fair. A half of a bowl of rice, with two or three pats of butter, along with two sheets of prsciutto shredded into the mix. After letting that marry a bit, I then added just enough milk to get the rice to cream. To my tastes, it was perfect. I will probably also have of bowl of bean soup when that is done, as well. I only cooked a pound of beans this time. I want to see if that will better serve my needs. Plus, the beans will fit in a smaller container, making storing it and getting it out of the refrigerator much easier. I still need to do a bit of shopping, meats are all I will need to finish the month.
It seems I have two appointments tomorrow. One early, dental later in the day. So, I have a lot of time to burn in SLC. I may try to figure out where a co-op type store is, I need some spices. If I am going to start monkeying with chiles, and other Mexican foods, I want to have very good cumin, oregano, and the hottest damned cayenne I can find. I haven't been able to find a spice hot enough for my tastes since I moved here. The cayenne, even from the Whole Foods (that closed) near the V.A., all they had was a reddish powder that might as well have been mild paprika. Bah! I need some hot stuff. The Mexican restaurant I like in Logan has food that is hot, but it isn't punch-you-on-the-nose hot. I do note that my nose runs when I eat there, and sometimes I bite into some spice, but generally it isn't quite up to my needs.
If need be I will simply look for dried habanero. That is a bit too much, more in the 300,000 range, but I can grind it and use it sparingly. The cayenne I used to love was a special sort, it ran to 170,000 on the scale. Which means it may not actually have been a true cayenne (ground from dried Guinea pepper). I need me some heat, boy, I say boy. I may also go in and check on my cwp. That should have arrived, but you know government workers. They probably sent it to the wrong address as a stall because the FBI is lagging (purposefully is my guess) on their part and yet the state is required to issue within 60 days, but the libtard guv workers hate that and do all kinds of shit to avoid doing their f*ing jobs. Not angry, at all, of course. No, not me. I may try to sleep, if I can get everything cooled and put up. Just a few hours, I don't really need much.
Oh, and I did notice that I do have unlimited data access on my phone. That is a benefit for having been an early subscriber. As such, the only thing I have to sweat is the battery life. I can deal with that. Eventually I would like to get a headphone for it, one that doesn't disturb people around me. When I was younger I didn't know/care. But people walking around with phones, mp3 or other players, either talking out loud or listening to something which is blaring, with or without headphones, has become an extreme pet peeve. So much so that I often simply turn my phone off, and definitely when I have an appointment, even when I am just in the waiting room. Sometimes I forget, but... I find it terribly embarrassing when my phone goes off in public. Anyway, since I have unlimited data, I will keep the phone. I got lucky though. I had kept meaning to go in and ask about data, and return it if it wasn't unlimited, but my health kept me from doing so. And then I noticed something. There is a data usage tab which indicates how much data was used and how much you have left. Mine says unlimited. Nice... Lucky, but I'll take it.
Good night.
.
I almost forgot about the beans that I had set to soak. They are cooking. I also cooked rice but that is done. The wonderful thing about cooking is the cook gets to sample some of the freshly cooked fair. A half of a bowl of rice, with two or three pats of butter, along with two sheets of prsciutto shredded into the mix. After letting that marry a bit, I then added just enough milk to get the rice to cream. To my tastes, it was perfect. I will probably also have of bowl of bean soup when that is done, as well. I only cooked a pound of beans this time. I want to see if that will better serve my needs. Plus, the beans will fit in a smaller container, making storing it and getting it out of the refrigerator much easier. I still need to do a bit of shopping, meats are all I will need to finish the month.
It seems I have two appointments tomorrow. One early, dental later in the day. So, I have a lot of time to burn in SLC. I may try to figure out where a co-op type store is, I need some spices. If I am going to start monkeying with chiles, and other Mexican foods, I want to have very good cumin, oregano, and the hottest damned cayenne I can find. I haven't been able to find a spice hot enough for my tastes since I moved here. The cayenne, even from the Whole Foods (that closed) near the V.A., all they had was a reddish powder that might as well have been mild paprika. Bah! I need some hot stuff. The Mexican restaurant I like in Logan has food that is hot, but it isn't punch-you-on-the-nose hot. I do note that my nose runs when I eat there, and sometimes I bite into some spice, but generally it isn't quite up to my needs.
If need be I will simply look for dried habanero. That is a bit too much, more in the 300,000 range, but I can grind it and use it sparingly. The cayenne I used to love was a special sort, it ran to 170,000 on the scale. Which means it may not actually have been a true cayenne (ground from dried Guinea pepper). I need me some heat, boy, I say boy. I may also go in and check on my cwp. That should have arrived, but you know government workers. They probably sent it to the wrong address as a stall because the FBI is lagging (purposefully is my guess) on their part and yet the state is required to issue within 60 days, but the libtard guv workers hate that and do all kinds of shit to avoid doing their f*ing jobs. Not angry, at all, of course. No, not me. I may try to sleep, if I can get everything cooled and put up. Just a few hours, I don't really need much.
Oh, and I did notice that I do have unlimited data access on my phone. That is a benefit for having been an early subscriber. As such, the only thing I have to sweat is the battery life. I can deal with that. Eventually I would like to get a headphone for it, one that doesn't disturb people around me. When I was younger I didn't know/care. But people walking around with phones, mp3 or other players, either talking out loud or listening to something which is blaring, with or without headphones, has become an extreme pet peeve. So much so that I often simply turn my phone off, and definitely when I have an appointment, even when I am just in the waiting room. Sometimes I forget, but... I find it terribly embarrassing when my phone goes off in public. Anyway, since I have unlimited data, I will keep the phone. I got lucky though. I had kept meaning to go in and ask about data, and return it if it wasn't unlimited, but my health kept me from doing so. And then I noticed something. There is a data usage tab which indicates how much data was used and how much you have left. Mine says unlimited. Nice... Lucky, but I'll take it.
Good night.
I have to laugh!
.
.
Many of the people worried about the economy today suggest that if we just go back to the 2007 federal budget that we will somehow be fine. I hear this even from some sectors of the left, but more often from the soft left (what passes for public conservatives). Now, fine, it would be an improvement. It would be an improvement like slowing your car to 40, from 90, while driving over a cliff. Doesn't anyone stop to think that part of the reason Zero won was because many people knew the US was going in the wrong direction and many people thought Zero would change some of the direction while the "Republican" offered the same thing making him useless? Instead of hitting the accelerator and locking the steering wheel down, but that wasn't what many thought he would do. Even I knew Bush failed, miserably, financially. Something about a bad choice and a worse choice, the socialist versus the hard socialist/communist in a world of simple choices with no real options, until McCain and no difference.
Slowing down isn't how it will work. We are past the point of being able to shift gears and maintain course. The nation has to change directions. Not a bit, not a slight turn, not even a major adjustment. We have to stop, get our bearings, but really then turn a 180. From Social Security to welfare of all sorts to saving companies too big and too little to "not save" on into cronyism for it's own separate sake. Further, we have to amend our tax code and make borrowing too dear so that people save instead of spending our lives away, becoming slaves to debt. Debt none of us should truly be able to get. Debt many will never be able to pay off.
It's not just government. But government has played a huge role in personal debt through it's actions, it's cronyism. The social fabric of the nation is unwinding, decaying. Much of it has to do with free money. It isn't just in the hood. That loan you just got for the motorcycle, boat, whatever? Yeah, not only did you probably not actually qualify for the loan, you got an interest rate you didn't deserve. It's free, slide your EBT, indeed. A civil race to the bottom, as much brought about by a falsified economy as a mandated egalitarianism that simply is as much a fraud as the financial capers.
While it is coming, I gotta tell you, I am not sure "it" is a bad thing, even though it really starts with "sh". Never mind. Just know that poor people can't afford, any longer, to be stupid people. My hope is that Americans prove to be exceptional, as I have always believed, and don't prove to be Greeks, or other Euros. We will see, with the national protests, what happens there. I expect bad things, top down, bottom up, as Jones has indicated. How it is handled will possibly decide the fate of the nation and I don't trust this admin. All you have to do is look at Greece, Egypt, and even Britain, to know how NOT to handle it. Then again, I think those nations are very much corrupted top to bottom and just shoving the middle into a noose, or they have pushed them over the edge at this point, as in Egypt.
"Just return to the 2007 budget!" Idiots.
.
Many of the people worried about the economy today suggest that if we just go back to the 2007 federal budget that we will somehow be fine. I hear this even from some sectors of the left, but more often from the soft left (what passes for public conservatives). Now, fine, it would be an improvement. It would be an improvement like slowing your car to 40, from 90, while driving over a cliff. Doesn't anyone stop to think that part of the reason Zero won was because many people knew the US was going in the wrong direction and many people thought Zero would change some of the direction while the "Republican" offered the same thing making him useless? Instead of hitting the accelerator and locking the steering wheel down, but that wasn't what many thought he would do. Even I knew Bush failed, miserably, financially. Something about a bad choice and a worse choice, the socialist versus the hard socialist/communist in a world of simple choices with no real options, until McCain and no difference.
Slowing down isn't how it will work. We are past the point of being able to shift gears and maintain course. The nation has to change directions. Not a bit, not a slight turn, not even a major adjustment. We have to stop, get our bearings, but really then turn a 180. From Social Security to welfare of all sorts to saving companies too big and too little to "not save" on into cronyism for it's own separate sake. Further, we have to amend our tax code and make borrowing too dear so that people save instead of spending our lives away, becoming slaves to debt. Debt none of us should truly be able to get. Debt many will never be able to pay off.
It's not just government. But government has played a huge role in personal debt through it's actions, it's cronyism. The social fabric of the nation is unwinding, decaying. Much of it has to do with free money. It isn't just in the hood. That loan you just got for the motorcycle, boat, whatever? Yeah, not only did you probably not actually qualify for the loan, you got an interest rate you didn't deserve. It's free, slide your EBT, indeed. A civil race to the bottom, as much brought about by a falsified economy as a mandated egalitarianism that simply is as much a fraud as the financial capers.
While it is coming, I gotta tell you, I am not sure "it" is a bad thing, even though it really starts with "sh". Never mind. Just know that poor people can't afford, any longer, to be stupid people. My hope is that Americans prove to be exceptional, as I have always believed, and don't prove to be Greeks, or other Euros. We will see, with the national protests, what happens there. I expect bad things, top down, bottom up, as Jones has indicated. How it is handled will possibly decide the fate of the nation and I don't trust this admin. All you have to do is look at Greece, Egypt, and even Britain, to know how NOT to handle it. Then again, I think those nations are very much corrupted top to bottom and just shoving the middle into a noose, or they have pushed them over the edge at this point, as in Egypt.
"Just return to the 2007 budget!" Idiots.
Working on my schedule.
.
.
I am trying to stay up later and later, working my way around to a day schedule. Given the deep freeze like stasis I just extracted myself from, and that I am not in the best condition even after putting medicine aside for a few days, I have some doubts about how well or easily this will happen. And, of course, I know the best I can do is get to a day schedule, only to lose it before long. I could be grumpy about it, but... why? Well, there are things I need to do, things that require a day schedule. And there is energy use.
I have been working on using less electricity. I have not and will not use the electric heating units this year. But more, I have been working on turning off lights and such. My lady friend used to unplug everything. I won't go that far. Every time she wanted to use the vcr or dvd, she had to use the remotes to set everything up. And while I was living there, she proved incapable of remembering how to do that on many occasions. While not exactly an IQ test, when you are very tired, it can be a trick. Then again, that means I am needing to use the furnace more than ever, and wearing clothes. I hate wearing clothes! Not quite a nudist, I like to run on bare minimums, keeping something handy should visitors happen to appear. It should be interesting to see what the difference is in cost and actual fuel versus electric usage on an energy basis. My bet is that the furnace is much cheaper. I am only adding a few degrees to what I used to run it at. Blathering.
While I am definitely feeling better I am no more able to get things done than before. I have merely, actually, risen to the level of normal dysfunctional ability. I simply can't get to things, especially things that might involve travel, or lots of talking, or layers of effort complicated by the involvement of others. Keeping up on my home is about it. Today I go back on medication. Ugh. I did do an half hour of Morse Code lessons though! At the end of it, all the beeps and bips were simply sounding the same! I did, officially, do well enough on the first lesson to move on. But the second lesson messed me up so I wanted to get the first lesson down better. A bit more work there, but it is moving along.
Later, I believe. Blogging is something I can do, remember to do, it's almost automatic now. Yes, later.
.
I am trying to stay up later and later, working my way around to a day schedule. Given the deep freeze like stasis I just extracted myself from, and that I am not in the best condition even after putting medicine aside for a few days, I have some doubts about how well or easily this will happen. And, of course, I know the best I can do is get to a day schedule, only to lose it before long. I could be grumpy about it, but... why? Well, there are things I need to do, things that require a day schedule. And there is energy use.
I have been working on using less electricity. I have not and will not use the electric heating units this year. But more, I have been working on turning off lights and such. My lady friend used to unplug everything. I won't go that far. Every time she wanted to use the vcr or dvd, she had to use the remotes to set everything up. And while I was living there, she proved incapable of remembering how to do that on many occasions. While not exactly an IQ test, when you are very tired, it can be a trick. Then again, that means I am needing to use the furnace more than ever, and wearing clothes. I hate wearing clothes! Not quite a nudist, I like to run on bare minimums, keeping something handy should visitors happen to appear. It should be interesting to see what the difference is in cost and actual fuel versus electric usage on an energy basis. My bet is that the furnace is much cheaper. I am only adding a few degrees to what I used to run it at. Blathering.
While I am definitely feeling better I am no more able to get things done than before. I have merely, actually, risen to the level of normal dysfunctional ability. I simply can't get to things, especially things that might involve travel, or lots of talking, or layers of effort complicated by the involvement of others. Keeping up on my home is about it. Today I go back on medication. Ugh. I did do an half hour of Morse Code lessons though! At the end of it, all the beeps and bips were simply sounding the same! I did, officially, do well enough on the first lesson to move on. But the second lesson messed me up so I wanted to get the first lesson down better. A bit more work there, but it is moving along.
Later, I believe. Blogging is something I can do, remember to do, it's almost automatic now. Yes, later.
I thought
.
.
wrong. Morse Code, I thought, would be easy enough to learn. Just practice, right? What could be so difficult. Well, no. It is proving to be quite a little trick. I did sign on to a link that has the tools for learning. And I have been working on it. It isn't tricky, or something you just figure out. I guess you just memorize. But applying it, while the computer dits and dahs at you at a terrible pace, even just two letters mixed, is quite a thing. I've only done it a few times, but feeling better, I might try and do a good half an hour a day. If my nerves can handle it! I am not even sure why I am trying to learn. I don't have a radio, or a way to practice save through the computer. And using a keyboard is a rather awkward way of practicing. I suppose it is just something to do. If you think you might be interested, again, here is the link to the place which offers free lessons for Morse Code.
I have tossed the beans, finished off the rice, and done the dishes. I will, before going to bed, set a pot of beans to soak and sweep the floor in preparation for mopping tomorrow. Well, I suppose I should change the cat litter first. Oh, it will get done. I received a call today, from the heart clinic. They asked why I wasn't there. Hmm. I had the appointment down as Wednesday, and I put that in when speaking with the doctors. The guy said to just come on in as I had it scheduled, and so I will. I did get a reminder but I didn't look at it since I knew it was already in my phone and I didn't see a cancellation or change of date notice. I will look a little closer from now on.
Ah, good night.
.
wrong. Morse Code, I thought, would be easy enough to learn. Just practice, right? What could be so difficult. Well, no. It is proving to be quite a little trick. I did sign on to a link that has the tools for learning. And I have been working on it. It isn't tricky, or something you just figure out. I guess you just memorize. But applying it, while the computer dits and dahs at you at a terrible pace, even just two letters mixed, is quite a thing. I've only done it a few times, but feeling better, I might try and do a good half an hour a day. If my nerves can handle it! I am not even sure why I am trying to learn. I don't have a radio, or a way to practice save through the computer. And using a keyboard is a rather awkward way of practicing. I suppose it is just something to do. If you think you might be interested, again, here is the link to the place which offers free lessons for Morse Code.
I have tossed the beans, finished off the rice, and done the dishes. I will, before going to bed, set a pot of beans to soak and sweep the floor in preparation for mopping tomorrow. Well, I suppose I should change the cat litter first. Oh, it will get done. I received a call today, from the heart clinic. They asked why I wasn't there. Hmm. I had the appointment down as Wednesday, and I put that in when speaking with the doctors. The guy said to just come on in as I had it scheduled, and so I will. I did get a reminder but I didn't look at it since I knew it was already in my phone and I didn't see a cancellation or change of date notice. I will look a little closer from now on.
Ah, good night.
Monday, October 17, 2011
An explanation.
.
.
Reviewing my posts, I realized I probably indicated something that might have been confusing, not to mention shocking. One of the playlist videos was Queer by Garbage. I thought the video itself would be clear, but I must remember most people have no notion of things sexual, to a degree, beyond hetero and homosexuality. To answer a possible question, no, I have never had sex with a man, or even an interest in such. And yet I have had very queer relationships, with women. Or, at least I have had women try to engage in such with me. No, that has nothing to do with anything pertaining to my end parts. What it has to do with is women who "like to be on top", among other things. And, actually, I didn't allow much in that way.
Women, who have let go of morality, chastity, and such, end up being far queerer than any two same sex couples could imagine. It was never my gig, but such women are easily available. While exploring the feminine world out there, I ran across all sorts of things. At least a third of my lovers were, or so they said, lesbians. But worse, some women have the absolute freakiest needs or wants really. I won't go into details, but from some of my explorations, I believe there is something to the notion of Lilith. I was simply looking for a solid normal woman, and really, they are very rare. And even they, if not chaste, even in marriage, can become monsters.
Some people have lead such normal lives that they have no idea how deep that pool is out there. Being a curious, and for whatever reason successful, lover, I found myself in some of the weirdest situations. Learning quickly that I was at the wrong place, I moved on. This was back when the concept of equality was something I actually thought could be real. It can't be, as I know things now. And the only way to have a mostly straight relationship with a woman is for the man to lead the dance. And, really, to marry before that.
No, I still have a... different view of sexuality than the typical man. I like drama queens, I enjoy fertile imaginings, I am bestial if not sinfully (think animal, organic) in my approach to sex. And, while I like women, I know they can't be let loose, not completely. Nor can my passions. Therein are some of the fires of hell. Let us say I have an interesting take on such, but that I have learned to temper things. It has taken decades, and two periods of celibacy of which I am currently in the last of those, to find some sanity there.
I find it funny that my docs suggested that someone in my condition might be killed by sex. They certainly are not talking about me. You will simply have to trust me. If I stop being able to have long, hard, wonderful sex... I will be dead. I am feral in this way. At 80% heart failure, I can still... work that system like a rabbit and for long sessions, if I do everything in my power to avoid doing so. Dancing with yourself, as Billy Idol might suggest, is a sin, and against my will, if too occasionally beyond my control. That should tell you something. Anyway, that might clear up any... questions. Just remember, exit only. It's not just a motto, sexually, it is all I have known or been interested, for my part.
Like speaking to children. So be it.
.
Reviewing my posts, I realized I probably indicated something that might have been confusing, not to mention shocking. One of the playlist videos was Queer by Garbage. I thought the video itself would be clear, but I must remember most people have no notion of things sexual, to a degree, beyond hetero and homosexuality. To answer a possible question, no, I have never had sex with a man, or even an interest in such. And yet I have had very queer relationships, with women. Or, at least I have had women try to engage in such with me. No, that has nothing to do with anything pertaining to my end parts. What it has to do with is women who "like to be on top", among other things. And, actually, I didn't allow much in that way.
Women, who have let go of morality, chastity, and such, end up being far queerer than any two same sex couples could imagine. It was never my gig, but such women are easily available. While exploring the feminine world out there, I ran across all sorts of things. At least a third of my lovers were, or so they said, lesbians. But worse, some women have the absolute freakiest needs or wants really. I won't go into details, but from some of my explorations, I believe there is something to the notion of Lilith. I was simply looking for a solid normal woman, and really, they are very rare. And even they, if not chaste, even in marriage, can become monsters.
Some people have lead such normal lives that they have no idea how deep that pool is out there. Being a curious, and for whatever reason successful, lover, I found myself in some of the weirdest situations. Learning quickly that I was at the wrong place, I moved on. This was back when the concept of equality was something I actually thought could be real. It can't be, as I know things now. And the only way to have a mostly straight relationship with a woman is for the man to lead the dance. And, really, to marry before that.
No, I still have a... different view of sexuality than the typical man. I like drama queens, I enjoy fertile imaginings, I am bestial if not sinfully (think animal, organic) in my approach to sex. And, while I like women, I know they can't be let loose, not completely. Nor can my passions. Therein are some of the fires of hell. Let us say I have an interesting take on such, but that I have learned to temper things. It has taken decades, and two periods of celibacy of which I am currently in the last of those, to find some sanity there.
I find it funny that my docs suggested that someone in my condition might be killed by sex. They certainly are not talking about me. You will simply have to trust me. If I stop being able to have long, hard, wonderful sex... I will be dead. I am feral in this way. At 80% heart failure, I can still... work that system like a rabbit and for long sessions, if I do everything in my power to avoid doing so. Dancing with yourself, as Billy Idol might suggest, is a sin, and against my will, if too occasionally beyond my control. That should tell you something. Anyway, that might clear up any... questions. Just remember, exit only. It's not just a motto, sexually, it is all I have known or been interested, for my part.
Like speaking to children. So be it.
Feeling better.
.
.
The slight vacation from medicine has been wonderful. Today is the last day, then I go back onto a cut dose tomorrow. It is not that I am doing all that much more, or truly more active, it is more that I feel more normal. The difference would be comparable to camping in a frozen landscape for a week, with warmth never being more than enough to simply sustain, then finding a place where real warmth can be found. My brain and body are much more functional, awake, conscious.
I hate going back on the medication but I think it the wiser choice. At least I now have this tool by which I can get some R&R before trudging back onto medication. As I said though, I will be cutting medication, and possibly doing it again, as I need. The doctors simply can't get what they want. If I end up living a few years less, so be it. I have no choice in the matter myself. To be honest, I think the medicines are working anyway. In February I am going to ask that they test my heart again. I'll put ten to one odds that it is better, possibly much better. We will see.
I still can't do much. Which is fine. So long as my mind is my own and my body does work for the little things I can get it to do. If I can only get to half of what I want, it is much better than not even being able to stay awake without my eyes hurting as if I hadn't slept, despite sleeping most of the time. Heck, I was sleeping right here in my chair, for much of the time.
Sweeping and mopping and the plate and few pieces of silverware in the sink will be washed tonight. Tomorrow I will probably dump what remains of the beans, which means I should set another pot of beans to soak in order to cook later or tomorrow. I probably will go with half of what I made last time. About a pound of dry beans is what I can eat before they go bad. I will check on the rice too. Those two make an excellent group of items to have around as adds or even a nice mix all by themselves. Component food works well.
Later.
.
The slight vacation from medicine has been wonderful. Today is the last day, then I go back onto a cut dose tomorrow. It is not that I am doing all that much more, or truly more active, it is more that I feel more normal. The difference would be comparable to camping in a frozen landscape for a week, with warmth never being more than enough to simply sustain, then finding a place where real warmth can be found. My brain and body are much more functional, awake, conscious.
I hate going back on the medication but I think it the wiser choice. At least I now have this tool by which I can get some R&R before trudging back onto medication. As I said though, I will be cutting medication, and possibly doing it again, as I need. The doctors simply can't get what they want. If I end up living a few years less, so be it. I have no choice in the matter myself. To be honest, I think the medicines are working anyway. In February I am going to ask that they test my heart again. I'll put ten to one odds that it is better, possibly much better. We will see.
I still can't do much. Which is fine. So long as my mind is my own and my body does work for the little things I can get it to do. If I can only get to half of what I want, it is much better than not even being able to stay awake without my eyes hurting as if I hadn't slept, despite sleeping most of the time. Heck, I was sleeping right here in my chair, for much of the time.
Sweeping and mopping and the plate and few pieces of silverware in the sink will be washed tonight. Tomorrow I will probably dump what remains of the beans, which means I should set another pot of beans to soak in order to cook later or tomorrow. I probably will go with half of what I made last time. About a pound of dry beans is what I can eat before they go bad. I will check on the rice too. Those two make an excellent group of items to have around as adds or even a nice mix all by themselves. Component food works well.
Later.
I know.
.
.
My stories seem crazy. Running into another married woman and seeing the past flash before my eyes, the potential, the insanity of my old life. It was a different life. Things people not only don't do, but don't consider, was simply how things happened back when. It is not that I didn't consider morality, I was simply amoral. I didn't know, in some ways. Sure, I knew the words. I had never seen them in practice. Perhaps it was just bad luck, perhaps because my eyes were opened to sin at a very young age which allowed me to see things adults thought they kept hidden, perhaps it was the age in which I was raised.
I do not shed tears for those days any more than I shed tears for fighting. I do, however, bear scars. I can't say I bear shame. I did my best to keep real 'good girls' out of my path. I was jaded by the time I was 13, and fairly experienced. And there were plenty of girls and women available by then. It's almost like we had a secret set of nods and looks so we communicated right over and around the normal virgin world. We knew who knew, who was available, and that it was mostly just for kicks. Though if I could steal the heart of a heartless strumpet, I would. More fame, more glory, more prospects. Pat Benatar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" was their opening line, and, well, I did. Women almost always lose in a free-for-all, but they knew it going in.
It all comes back with one encounter. I don't remember all of the names or faces, and certainly not all of the affairs. It was such a cruel world. And for all the women I held, there was so little real love. Looking back on it, it was a cold place, a empty time. If I regret something more than anything else, it is that it took so long to see that. Further, I suppose, to realize that as the male, the leader, I might have lead one of those women to a right life. A good man can do that. But I was weak. Little did they know, but I feared my own shadow, regarding them. I couldn't deal with love. Sex, sure. But dealing with a full grown woman, in love, for life, and all? Children? I had no clue. I still have no clue, truth be told. What I have is faith, and a path. They aren't just hot bodies anymore. They are daughters of man, children of God.
I can't believe how easy, though, it would be for me to revert to those dark paths. I am so damned hungry, it has been so long. I could smell her, the earthy nature of her womanhood, her hunger, the way animals do. I can see right through anything she says, or wears should I lower my shields. She was hungry too, very. I've been there, seemingly, a thousand times. Perhaps at least that many times if I didn't always have the opportunity to develop what I saw.
Anyway, I'll keep things kosher and... try to get in to Church. It is there that I hope to do right, to find, then marry, a truly good woman. There is some *cough* room for her having some history. *cough* I have no doubt that I could land the right woman. I just have to meet several, and... let nature take over, within the limits of God's prescriptions. It isn't up to the woman, she isn't even involved in the decision, to a greater degree. Believe what you will, the man has to make, and make right, the relationship. Women follow, men lead. Anything else is a lie that will lead to exactly where I was before. I can lead, but can I lead as God would have me, as a shepherd and not a wolf? To heck but this is has me in a snit.
.
My stories seem crazy. Running into another married woman and seeing the past flash before my eyes, the potential, the insanity of my old life. It was a different life. Things people not only don't do, but don't consider, was simply how things happened back when. It is not that I didn't consider morality, I was simply amoral. I didn't know, in some ways. Sure, I knew the words. I had never seen them in practice. Perhaps it was just bad luck, perhaps because my eyes were opened to sin at a very young age which allowed me to see things adults thought they kept hidden, perhaps it was the age in which I was raised.
I do not shed tears for those days any more than I shed tears for fighting. I do, however, bear scars. I can't say I bear shame. I did my best to keep real 'good girls' out of my path. I was jaded by the time I was 13, and fairly experienced. And there were plenty of girls and women available by then. It's almost like we had a secret set of nods and looks so we communicated right over and around the normal virgin world. We knew who knew, who was available, and that it was mostly just for kicks. Though if I could steal the heart of a heartless strumpet, I would. More fame, more glory, more prospects. Pat Benatar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" was their opening line, and, well, I did. Women almost always lose in a free-for-all, but they knew it going in.
It all comes back with one encounter. I don't remember all of the names or faces, and certainly not all of the affairs. It was such a cruel world. And for all the women I held, there was so little real love. Looking back on it, it was a cold place, a empty time. If I regret something more than anything else, it is that it took so long to see that. Further, I suppose, to realize that as the male, the leader, I might have lead one of those women to a right life. A good man can do that. But I was weak. Little did they know, but I feared my own shadow, regarding them. I couldn't deal with love. Sex, sure. But dealing with a full grown woman, in love, for life, and all? Children? I had no clue. I still have no clue, truth be told. What I have is faith, and a path. They aren't just hot bodies anymore. They are daughters of man, children of God.
I can't believe how easy, though, it would be for me to revert to those dark paths. I am so damned hungry, it has been so long. I could smell her, the earthy nature of her womanhood, her hunger, the way animals do. I can see right through anything she says, or wears should I lower my shields. She was hungry too, very. I've been there, seemingly, a thousand times. Perhaps at least that many times if I didn't always have the opportunity to develop what I saw.
Anyway, I'll keep things kosher and... try to get in to Church. It is there that I hope to do right, to find, then marry, a truly good woman. There is some *cough* room for her having some history. *cough* I have no doubt that I could land the right woman. I just have to meet several, and... let nature take over, within the limits of God's prescriptions. It isn't up to the woman, she isn't even involved in the decision, to a greater degree. Believe what you will, the man has to make, and make right, the relationship. Women follow, men lead. Anything else is a lie that will lead to exactly where I was before. I can lead, but can I lead as God would have me, as a shepherd and not a wolf? To heck but this is has me in a snit.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Hmm.
.
.
I was too tired when in town to do shopping. Since my friend wasn't doing well, I couldn't just use his need to go to the store to counter my exhaustion and go anyway. But... something has changed. Let us just say a window has opened. And though I would rather not go, with my needs and an open window, I will go. Wow, I typed that in about 3 seconds. Yeah, something is rising. Unshackled of the medicine, I... Yes indeed.
Later.
.
I was too tired when in town to do shopping. Since my friend wasn't doing well, I couldn't just use his need to go to the store to counter my exhaustion and go anyway. But... something has changed. Let us just say a window has opened. And though I would rather not go, with my needs and an open window, I will go. Wow, I typed that in about 3 seconds. Yeah, something is rising. Unshackled of the medicine, I... Yes indeed.
Later.
Still listless.
.
.
I did get a shower, loaded up one of the rifles and some of ammunition, and headed into town. Way late, leaving an hour after I had suggested even after giving myself a couple of hours leeway. Two days without medication is what it took to even get me out of my home. Perhaps another day medicine free is what it will take. I will go back on a cut dose though, after that. I know I have an appointment coming up, regarding this stuff, but so be it. I will just have to explain why I did what I did and see what we can do. I know I can't go up on medication, the question at this point is how far I need to go down on it.
My friend was feeling quite ill, so decided against shooting or shopping. And rather than a long visit, the stop was rather short. But this means he probably knows exactly how I have felt for the last week. Unable to wake early, wake well when I did wake, or do more than shuffle from bed to computer desk, occasionally eating and drinking, and taking medication. That was all I was capable of doing and it was pushing things even so.
What is so odd is that I don't look sick at all. You would not know, by talking to me for an hour, that I am completely snow blind. I stopped to pick up some tobacco. I can't quite afford to quit, quite yet. I need a month or two to get my finances back in line. When $26 allows me to feed the habit for a month while quitting would cost more than that per week for about six to eight weeks, I have to stick with the habit.
Again though, while purchasing my habit stuffs, I ran into my typical problems. Married women, that is, and quite interested and interesting. There are three or four of them, in town, who if I needed a lover all I would have to do is arrange the thing. I make virgins squeal and turn into little girls, which makes them ever so annoying. My guess is that married women have learned to deal with this... with me and their natural reactions, so that they can handle keeping some of their cool (not all married women or virgins, just the ones who do find interest in me). Trying to be a good boy is sometimes so damned hard. I'll... keep trying to do right. Sometimes I honestly wonder if even God wants to see me get laid. Either that or He is allowing me to be tempted so far beyond fair play that... Never mind. And, no, I don't relieve believe that God would really lead me into sin. You know how we rationalize our sins of flesh, and of thought. Bah!
Half dead and women still sway my motives. At least there is that. Oh, well, and... I still sway theirs. heh And I got a free cigar out of the deal. No, no, some cigars are just that. Mostly. Inside joke beyond the one you know, and I'm not sharing it. Just... chuckling. I will give you a tip though, no pun intended, and here it is. Women! I suppose I could have advocates explain the various notions.
Women seem to offer this:
No thanks. Bleh. A philistine I might be, but in some things so be it!
How about a little of this? In the secular realm, mind you. Back in the day.
I don't negotiate. I don't need to.
And how I answered their questions. wants. needs. before even that that.
There is a chance I've... been attracted to and attracted some of the damnedest women born though, too.
It's all changed though.
Later or good night.
.
I did get a shower, loaded up one of the rifles and some of ammunition, and headed into town. Way late, leaving an hour after I had suggested even after giving myself a couple of hours leeway. Two days without medication is what it took to even get me out of my home. Perhaps another day medicine free is what it will take. I will go back on a cut dose though, after that. I know I have an appointment coming up, regarding this stuff, but so be it. I will just have to explain why I did what I did and see what we can do. I know I can't go up on medication, the question at this point is how far I need to go down on it.
My friend was feeling quite ill, so decided against shooting or shopping. And rather than a long visit, the stop was rather short. But this means he probably knows exactly how I have felt for the last week. Unable to wake early, wake well when I did wake, or do more than shuffle from bed to computer desk, occasionally eating and drinking, and taking medication. That was all I was capable of doing and it was pushing things even so.
What is so odd is that I don't look sick at all. You would not know, by talking to me for an hour, that I am completely snow blind. I stopped to pick up some tobacco. I can't quite afford to quit, quite yet. I need a month or two to get my finances back in line. When $26 allows me to feed the habit for a month while quitting would cost more than that per week for about six to eight weeks, I have to stick with the habit.
Again though, while purchasing my habit stuffs, I ran into my typical problems. Married women, that is, and quite interested and interesting. There are three or four of them, in town, who if I needed a lover all I would have to do is arrange the thing. I make virgins squeal and turn into little girls, which makes them ever so annoying. My guess is that married women have learned to deal with this... with me and their natural reactions, so that they can handle keeping some of their cool (not all married women or virgins, just the ones who do find interest in me). Trying to be a good boy is sometimes so damned hard. I'll... keep trying to do right. Sometimes I honestly wonder if even God wants to see me get laid. Either that or He is allowing me to be tempted so far beyond fair play that... Never mind. And, no, I don't relieve believe that God would really lead me into sin. You know how we rationalize our sins of flesh, and of thought. Bah!
Half dead and women still sway my motives. At least there is that. Oh, well, and... I still sway theirs. heh And I got a free cigar out of the deal. No, no, some cigars are just that. Mostly. Inside joke beyond the one you know, and I'm not sharing it. Just... chuckling. I will give you a tip though, no pun intended, and here it is. Women! I suppose I could have advocates explain the various notions.
Women seem to offer this:
No thanks. Bleh. A philistine I might be, but in some things so be it!
How about a little of this? In the secular realm, mind you. Back in the day.
I don't negotiate. I don't need to.
And how I answered their questions. wants. needs. before even that that.
There is a chance I've... been attracted to and attracted some of the damnedest women born though, too.
It's all changed though.
Later or good night.
No, even a bit more.
.
.
I am cutting all medicine for two days. I skipped today and I will skip tomorrow. After doing that accidentally when my mother was here, and getting a week of moderate function from it, I think every week or every other week I will skip medicine for two days. I am still going to cut the dose on carvedilol. Simply put, since I went back to full dose, and taking a bit of time off after my mother returned home, I have been locked into the worst sort of exhaustion. That simply won't do.
The bed ended up being less of a problem than I thought. While I, of course, have not done the laundry, my bed is still made. I have other sheets and blankets. Further, though I did spray Lysol spray, twice, and let that dry, the truth is with as thick and many layers as I put on my bed, nothing got down through the bedding. I am keeping dishes up and the place sorted. It is much nicer to live in an orderly home.
Hopefully, with a brief reprieve from the medication, I will be able to sort some things out. Those tasks I had for last week, if touched on a bit, were not completed. Perhaps this week. I have to keep trying. I haven't been this deeply in exhaustion for a very long time. At least I was able to stay aware this time, and am still working some things out. Aware enough to cut off, then cut back medication.
If I can get in to town tomorrow I will stop by and see my friend. Taking him a rifle and some ammo, and taking him shooting and shopping if he wants. A few packages of meat will see me through the rest of the month. The rice and beans are about at the end of their functional life, and I was not able to freeze any of the beans, so perhaps a new bunch of those will be cooked. The nice thing is that the meats I will be buying will cook easily on my grill, so I will only have to mess with the beans and rice. More milk, too, and perhaps some apples. I have been eating well enough, small meals, bits of this and that, all good. That does help. When I become unable to eat, drink, or even medicate, life can spin out for a good bit.
Blathering, again. But that is as good as it gets at the moment. Lets see if a little medicine vacation helps. Good night.
.
I am cutting all medicine for two days. I skipped today and I will skip tomorrow. After doing that accidentally when my mother was here, and getting a week of moderate function from it, I think every week or every other week I will skip medicine for two days. I am still going to cut the dose on carvedilol. Simply put, since I went back to full dose, and taking a bit of time off after my mother returned home, I have been locked into the worst sort of exhaustion. That simply won't do.
The bed ended up being less of a problem than I thought. While I, of course, have not done the laundry, my bed is still made. I have other sheets and blankets. Further, though I did spray Lysol spray, twice, and let that dry, the truth is with as thick and many layers as I put on my bed, nothing got down through the bedding. I am keeping dishes up and the place sorted. It is much nicer to live in an orderly home.
Hopefully, with a brief reprieve from the medication, I will be able to sort some things out. Those tasks I had for last week, if touched on a bit, were not completed. Perhaps this week. I have to keep trying. I haven't been this deeply in exhaustion for a very long time. At least I was able to stay aware this time, and am still working some things out. Aware enough to cut off, then cut back medication.
If I can get in to town tomorrow I will stop by and see my friend. Taking him a rifle and some ammo, and taking him shooting and shopping if he wants. A few packages of meat will see me through the rest of the month. The rice and beans are about at the end of their functional life, and I was not able to freeze any of the beans, so perhaps a new bunch of those will be cooked. The nice thing is that the meats I will be buying will cook easily on my grill, so I will only have to mess with the beans and rice. More milk, too, and perhaps some apples. I have been eating well enough, small meals, bits of this and that, all good. That does help. When I become unable to eat, drink, or even medicate, life can spin out for a good bit.
Blathering, again. But that is as good as it gets at the moment. Lets see if a little medicine vacation helps. Good night.
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