An interesting day.

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My doctor and dental appointments were a bit tough. They didn't like that I had quit my meds for three days. "You should have called"! "It really could have killed you"! "What were you thinking"! "Hold off, cease, desist!", says I. As for the fact that it could have killed me, if I hadn't stopped, I would have gone into unconsciousness and dropped the medicines, not for a day but for weeks or months, and missed appointments. I am strongly fragile, I seem to be able to deal with things I shouldn't be able to handle (dropping meds) and not handle what they say I should be able to handle (medicine). If they don't understand that, how can I? I am not a doctor, specialist, or anything. I'm just the end user of a really screwed up body. As for what I was thinking, that is the point. I couldn't think, not even to call.

I really am not crazy. Jaded, a bit, but not crazy. Ill, to be sure, but merely bodily. They don't know what is wrong, nor do I. They are treating a severe heart condition but don't even know what else is wrong with me. Depression? Then why do the heart meds make it worse and medicines supposed to treat it do nothing but add side effects? Yes, I realize my brain is affected by whatever illnesses exist, but not into insanity, more into simply not being able to think. As I said, it would be like camping in a truly cold environment where you can never quite get warm. At near hypothermic conditions, your ability to think simply becomes limited. That explains my condition on higher doses of medicine perfectly. And yet, no matter how often I explain this it is more akin to talking to a brick wall then getting through.

I was told, because of my bad behavior, that I will not be a candidate for a heart transplant should my heart not improve. I told them that I would not even consider a heart transplant. I was told, "Many people say that, but when faced with it they often choose to undergo the procedure". I laughed (a quick outburst), then told them, from the initial consultations, that I had thought I was already at that point and still rejected it. I won't become a Frankenstein freak for their medical experimentation. It is good to know that, since I can't "follow orders", I am not a candidate. Call it doubling down, so that they can't sneak it in on me should I be unconscious and they try to work it past my mother. To say they were angry at me would be to be generous. They didn't say anything bad, they simply didn't want to... deal with me. My next appointment is not until... late January. I guess if you aren't a 'favored son', being prepped for some grand medical experiment, to be useful in their teaching forum, you are a chump. So be it. I am on my own, and knew that from the beginning. I just didn't understand all the rules upfront. I am learning.

The other test, I am told, was not dealing with electrical current or such, but some sort of pressure testing at various points in my heart. As I had said, those numbers all came back very good. The notion that this was some sort of virus was again suggested as the very highly most likely source. I asked how long it takes a heart to get this bad. They had no answer, not even a ballpark. I would still suggest that this has been a very long term event, possibly even to childhood, if I have no proof. I go completely by the fact that I was having "energy" issues, even when young. That wall of exhaustion, limits at times that would come and go, sleep issues. They could be related to social problems, moving often, changing families like some people change clothes, having no stability, things of that nature. But a mildly ill and worsening heart, exacerbated by stresses, could easily fit in there.

The dentist was another matter. I do have some work to be done. My teeth are in excellent condition, in spite of years of abuse and using "chaw" since I was 12. Two visits will be needed to fix things up. It does give me incentive to quit "chewing", if that isn't the whole problem it will help. One real cavity and a good number of 'fixes', including repairing a chipped tooth. My teeth are a bit rough from decades of another form of chewing. I used to literally eat my teeth by grinding them. I have "learned" not to do so. My jaw has improved a great deal and my baby-looking teeth (from being chewed down) are no longer receding. But... they are pretty ragged.

It all seems depressing. Even with silver linings. Sometimes I see the dark clouds, sometimes I see the silver lining, usually I see both. Today, though, dark clouds are all I can get myself to focus upon. The world seems chill, cold, hard, mean. No worries, I will pick myself up like I always do. And I will even be grateful for this dark hard cruel day. It makes the normal and better days... more valuable by comparison. And, yes, even in my darkest days these days, I love life. I like being alive. I enjoy the company of others. So, no worries. While I can come down, I will rise all the better.

Later, or... maybe back to bed for a bit.