Something is really wrong.

.

.

I can feel the dehydration.  But there is something else wrong.  Probably several things wrong.

I decided to check bp and pulse.   It is 132/86, with a pulse of 83?  Well, okay.  I would have thought it was much lower... or higher.  It feels off.  It also isn't blood sugar, or wasn't.  I... had... a few bars.  Temptation was just too much.

Something(s) feel so off though!  I have no idea what all is wrong, only that some things are terribly wrong.

I have taken medicine, keeping the water pill to one.  I have carefully made sure I am not extra dosing that stuff I had been doing too much.  I check my medicines every day, just... to make sure.  I have my medicines memorized, and am being so very cautious.

I feel like I could pass out.  But I am careful, cautious.  Not only when I go to stand up, but also just sitting here.  I am being cautiously alive.  I realize, whatever is wrong, I could end up dead.  Which, if it is that time, is fine.  But I have a duty to be alive for a while longer.  If it is possible, even if it means being more long suffering, I will try to outlive my mother.

It's a difficult thing.  But I will do my best.  It might not be much, some might think it merely a normal cause, or wish.  But, for me, it is a great suffering.  Even so, one I will endure if possible.  Something is so very wrong.

I have had a few trick or treaters.  I am handing out two full sized bars, as I don't think there will be all that many visitors.  I have very much enjoyed the visitors so far.  Handsome young gents if mostly pretty young ladies.  A few parents in with the crowd, if none would take a treat themselves.  Still, the offer is there.  Some have been quite pleased with the full size bars.  I am pleased that they are happy.  Maybe not many visitors, but they have been happy visitors.  All good.

Later.

Dehydrated.

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.

Definitely dry.  I can feel it in my neck, along the height of it.  Inside, and out.  It's a strange thing.  I have limited the water pill to one a day, and been drinking just a bit extra.  It will take a while, in any case.  Oh, I should add extra electrolytes, for a while, to whatever I drink which will take it.  I'm not sure if I have any pickle juice fresh enough to help, but that would be good too.  The thing with salty drinks, is I have to drink enough non-salty stuff to make that applicable, but without further drying out my system.  Always a trick.

I slept for a bit later last night, then again today.  I need sleep.  Am getting it.  Not in a way that is preferred.  I would rather sleep in one long session.  That just can't seem to happen.  One shorter and one longer session is how it is, so far, working.  Though that may change.  Perhaps if it cools off a good deal more?  It has warmed back up.  Not to summer temps.  But to the mid 60's, upstairs, with the window cracked and a small fan running on low.  Fresh air really does help, especially if it's not too cool, or cold.

I put a small load of laundry in.  Hopefully will get another one going before too long.  Another shower?  Would be nice, if possible.  And dishes, started, either way... after, or after deciding against.  All good.  I have a bit of food.  Some to be cooked, some to be eaten cold if need be.  Cheese sandwiches, meat crumble, perhaps a few other things.

Oh, someone suggested another syndrome.  I've got to tell you, you are so far off track I must suspect that you are the one with the... difficulties.  I know, everyone wants others to be like them, especially when limited.  Or worse than them.  I can hear, very well.  Conversations in school, and other places, can be annoying.  I have, mostly, learned not to listen... or to not consider... all that is said around me.  I have shut down some of that.  Not all of it, all the time.  

It is amazing what you hear, though, when you listen.  I do have to wonder what they would think if they realized you knew what they said?  Then again, a lot of them actually hope you hear, so as to hurt you.  But, realizing how people are, it... really doesn't hurt feelings.  It just lets some of us know there are people worse off than us in the world.  Don't they realize, the people they speak with about others?  Realize how terrible and limited they are?  They might have to go along, but they know how terrible some backstabbers really are.  Won't end well.  I feel sorry for the petty, the weak of mind and will, and those who need to try to break others down so that they can feel good?  Sad, really.  It has no affect on some of us.

Hmm... interesting how things work out.

I haven't been able to do almost anything recently.  No gaming, no cooking, no work, chores have been brutal and irregular.  So tired, sore, achy in weird ways.  Legs are doing much better, and feet.  Swelling is gone, if almost to a fault, in those areas.  Perhaps even the torso has started getting rid of most of the fluid.  It is rough though.

I had hoped to get back to town, to buy a few more groceries.  But I don't think so.  So very tired.  Exhausted.  Pained too.  I won't be taking more painkillers, either.  I just need to suffer for a while.  I fear taking too much more of the stuff, for various reasons.  I am sure, in time, I will get used to pain, and get over it to a degree.  I will just have to suffer well, for now.  I will get out when possible.

Later.

Something is very bad.

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.

Dehydration?  A part of it.  But something... somethings... else, also wrong.

I will begin using only one water pill per day, total.  As well, I will begin drinking a bit more.  I don't believe the whole problem is dehydration.  I still believe I have too much fluid.  My feet and legs are in very good shape, finally, and again.  But my torso probably still has too much fluid.  The thing is, as I suggested, there is only so much fluid which can be voided in a set amount of time.  I have, most likely, exceeded that volume.

So, yes, things hurt, ache, and are out of place.  Though, too, perhaps, potassium is low... maybe other things.

How much trouble am I in?  Maybe a lot.  Maybe a bit.  I won't know until... I know.  I don't have tests, only time.

I got to bed around 21:18, actually exactly.  Then woke at around 23:00?  Or 00:00?  One of those two, I think the latter, or a few minutes shy actually.  I think so.  A few hours down did help.  Still, headache and other pains.  General discomforts.  Difficulty burning any energy of body.  Thinking is a bit clearer, after some rest.

I could be dying.  I just don't know.  I am thinking about taking more excedrin migraine, but want to hold off.  I have been cutting even that.  It can be a problem on it's own.  I am well under the extended use warnings, and have been using just the normal recommendations.  Still, with all else, I would rather bargain to the far side of safety margins with some things, while having pushed well beyond them with other things.

I am pushing, currently, to remain in some sort of conscious state.  And I am trying to sort out how to add fluid back without over doing that, and adjusting a few other things.  I know, it's a bit tricky.  I'll do my best to stay alive and well.  I don't do these things in complete foolishness.  There is a reason I take risks.  But, with risks... there is danger.

A rough one, folks.  If you would, a prayer.  Not for my life, or death, just for God's will pertaining to any of it.  And thanks, to you for any prayers, and to God for the opportunity.  Even the suffering.  It teaches me.  I don't seek it, not anymore anyway.  But offer it to those who suffer in waiting, and offer it as well, to God, as a gift of learning.  Some days, often, I'd rather not hurt.  But... since it is here, might as well not have it for naught.  I've seen purgatory... been stuck there... no prayer, no movement... trust me.  Pray for those poor souls.  There are many, I know personally, who might have made it there.  And there are many who are there, and nobody knows.  I was one of those.

Anyway...  If I should happen to die?  Do pray for my soul.  If you can't find it in your heart to do so, I will pray you learn better before you end in a worse place yet.  Amen.

So rough, so thinly stretched, muscles to organs hurt, neck to ribs are paining me.  Hard to breath, a bit fevered.  So many things wrong.  Still, I'll... keep at it.  And I am, truly, grateful.  For family, friends, a chance to worship God right through living and even suffering.  For pain, and enemies, who offer me a chance to learn and grow.  I'll keep at it, as long as I may.  Amen.

Very strange.

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So much pain.  Everything was better, there for a bit.  Between the shower, food, and taking care of a bit of business, I was thinking life had just gotten better.  And it had.  I felt batter.

Then, all of a sudden, I began to crash.  No rhyme or reason.  Eyes are sore, tired, even.  That exhaustion is back.  The pains  and aches, here and there, and everywhere.  All back.  I'll have a bit of something to drink.  Then go on to bed.  Rough, tumble... bedtime.  Good night.

A lot less food needed.

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Yesterday I was able to eat a lot of food.  Needed it.  Tonight only a third of what I had yesterday was more than enough... almost too much.  As well, I purchased candy for Halloween.  Though, on the way back, I realized I may have been too late!  I am never sure when it will be celebrated locally.  Still, by the time I realized the problem, it was too late in all ways possible.

It turns out tomorrow is t he day.  I have enough for... some of the little rascals.   Limited by availability, as always on the night of or night before.  Still, there should be enough, and they are full size bars.  Probably enough.  Will find out tomorrow.

More, I got groceries while at it.  Cheese, for sandwiches.  And a few other things.  Hopefully I won't have to be going out for lesser foods for a while.  Though I would like to get a few more things, after payday.  I forgot salad.  So dark, so fast, today.  Plenty dark before 19:00.  And I was so tired.  Plus, the other people on the road were scary.  Driving in various parts of everyone else's lane, stopping without notice or reason.  I... kept as much distance as possible, went slow, and with some serious caution.  If I saw a way to get around, past, in the other lane from, some of them, I did.  Walking, and driving, on eggs, is no fun.

Oh, I finally found gruyere cheese.  Pretty pricey.  Still, I picked some up.  However, there was no eggs!  None of the free range.  Not really interested in organic, unless it is home raised.  I could check on that, though, yet tonight.  Though that seems to be slowing down, or nearing stopping.  So that might not be available either.  Grhh!  Always something.  But I keep trying.

A bit rough still.  Some good, some bad.  Fed, ready for rascals who I sure enjoy treating, a bit achy, but... so be it.  And, ten days, fully, into restarting medication.  Insulin has been very hit and miss, but the pill pills have been in like clockwork.  I'll keep trying.  So limited, tired, sore, hungry, rough, dark, and sometimes cold and wet.  I suppose I can rest when I'm dead.  I hope.  Amen. 

Awake?

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Mostly.  I think medicine and weather have me under the weather.  Well, and not eating well, correctly, enough.  I just can't cook.  Well, in part because I can't clean.  Though cooking would be difficult even if I had clean pots, pans, dishes, and else.  Even if available, I couldn't necessarily use the resources which may, or may not, be available.

So hungry.  At least I got a meal yesterday.  Not sure about today.

I think I have been awake for several hours.  A shower would be good.  A long one, working, again, on dry patches, toenails, and warming.  I really enjoyed that last shower.  Wanted another, just wasn't up to another one yesterday.  But, yes, maybe today.  As long as I don't think I might lose consciousness in the process.  Yes, it is that difficult lately.  Will just have to see how things go.

On the good side, I am half way through the second week of medicine.  It may take a few more days, or weeks, or... months perhaps... in order to adjust back to medicine.  Eating, at least a meal a day, may be the difficult thing to sort out.  I am not sure, it alone... food... could solve the problem.  There is also the cool, cold, weather.  The darkness, if the sun is out today.  There is more than just food, or the lack of it.  Still, food would help.  I don't need much.  Just enough.  Ah... if I could shop, getting lettuce for taco salads... and figuring out how to fry burger... and cheese for sandwiches...  little things, but they really help.  If I could just get to town!  So difficult.

Trying to sort through things.  I'll... do my best.  So very tired, achy, weak, right to the point of fearing actually passing out.  The symptoms... eyes dilating, blurry vision, spots of light, breathing difficulty, weakness all at once so standing, walking, and carrying even small items becomes difficult.  Light headedness...  And, actually, even as mentioned, cells in muscles feeling like they are on fire... burning.  Difficulty breathing?  Shortness of breath?  Something like those.  I don't actually feel like I can't breath, more that the breath isn't being used.  Some burning in the lungs?  And it is difficult to think, remember what to do or... what should be done.

I am pretty sure I have gone through this before.  I suspect it is the medicine.  Though, perhaps, medicine is adding to some other problem, or some other problem is resembling the medicine side effects?  I may have been accusing medicine incorrectly?  Just thinking the two were one.  And, maybe, there is some connection.  Maybe medicine makes diabetes symptoms worse?  Or enhances the illness?  I just can't be sure.

As bad as it has gotten, I may be better, enough, currently, to do some sorting... for now.  I might be able to try a few things.  Though if it continues to be like this, or get worse, I may get in some sort of trouble... going down for months, hard.  Or... maybe... worse.  I'll try to sort some of this, as possible.  I've definitely had worse.  Later.

Don't blame me.

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It may resemble some of what I write, but this is you, and them.  It isn't me.  Or... I didn't go looking.  You found and offered, accused, noticed, seem to think I resemble... or my life... or people in it... resemble... some of these things.  I don't mind.  I merely return them to sender(s)?

Maybe.

I saw my favorite people.

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It took a while to recover from doing chores.  The shakes, weakness, lots of things.  It was as if I became absolutely exhausted, and all at once.  Just finishing was a bit of a trick.  Even the cells in the muscles hurt, burned.  I did finish, then sat, for a while.  So hungry, yet unable to cook.  I was able to drive, so I did that instead.

To one of my regulars.  Not health food.  But hot, and enough, so that I was satisfied.  Rather than drive home to eat cold food, which is worse for being cold, and impossible to reheat rightly, I find a spot to park and eat.  Preferably a parking lot with overhead lighting, and not too much traffic.  So it went.

As I was eating, I saw the couple.  Old.  I am old.  These were probably married before I was born.  But, together, they... hold up well.  They hold each other up.

She, I saw first, coming around their minivan.  I am guessing they have that for grand, perhaps great grand, children.  As well as for groceries.  It's the new station wagon.  Dressed in a moderately pleasant, if dated, dress.  Just to below her knees.  A white sweater on over, heavier but not even really to the temps for today, for her age and sex.  Still, she seemed quite comfortable.

Comfortable enough to fuss in the back, through the midsection sliding door.  He, by this time, had round up behind her, so as to see her into the vehicle.  She, as mentioned, decided to fuss in the back.  This is not what he had in mind, and they had a quiet moment if he absolutely allowed, and helped, in spite of his notions.  It... isn't about him, or even just her, but about what needs to be done, even if that is just ensuring she feels ready and right.  Yes, I... see.  In ways others only imagine.

Finally, settled with what she had wanted checked, moved, set, placed, adjusted, or such, he helped get her into her seat and closed the door for her as she otherwise settled in and belted up.  It took him ten to fifteen seconds to shuffle to the other side of the vehicle.  Bow legged, shuffling, in a suit which was probably from when he was a younger man.  His hair so wispy thin, white, almost more smoke than hair...  Yet full.  Both of them.

He drove well.  One wouldn't have known he was in his seventies or even eighties by his driving.  I headed out just after them.  I said a little prayer.  Jealous, I was, remain.  They aren't a man and his wife, they are a people.  Just... one.  They have shared a life for longer than I have lived one.  I even saw when they were first dating, or married, through my... talents.  They are close, now, to death.  It hasn't all been easy.  It won't be easy going on.  And, yet, they are going to be rather comfortable, as they are now, in a way only some of us may understand.

There will be a little bit of discomfort, as their time ends.  Perhaps moments, when one is finished and the other awaits their turn.  But they will already still be together, here and there.  I can sense it already.  I have... been there myself.  My first real love will always be with me, and the last I loved will as well.  A few others, still here and already gone, share my life.

Reminded... of the past and the future...  Still, can't help my jealousy.  Their time more real, and together more than I have had the fortune to know.  And, yet, I would not begrudge them a second of their time.  A bit of a prayer for them, as I passed, or one more prayer, and they turned off.  Such a wonderful people.

Not good.

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.

I nearly collapsed while doing chores.  I almost couldn't finish.  I had to push, hard, to get them done.  I really almost passed out.  Nothing fancy, just filling a bucket with food, a small bucket, and taking a few waterers out.  I can't be sure what is wrong.  I haven't been this bad off in a long time.

It may just be medication beginning to do what it sometimes does.  I almost thought it might be a blood sugar dive, but... not.  It wasn't.  So like it though.  I would check my bp, but that would require finding the device.  And, to be honest, I can't.  I would like something to eat.  That might help.  I can't cook.  Not sure about other options.  They are being considered.

The neighbor had asked if I would help.  I had, initially, thought I would.  Just wanted to feed critters first.  Started falling apart.  Had to let him know that wasn't possible.  I skipped painpills today.  They might help, but who knows... they might be the problem, or part of it?

My mother called earlier.  She has definitely decided the nursing home is where she will be from now on.  I suspected this some time back.  I suppose she is... just... finally deciding, for herself.  No problems.  I get it.  There  comes a time when all else is just done.  It's her leg, mostly.  Whether from nerve damage, ill connection through her back, or such, but her strength and such is just gone.  There are other things, too, though.

No, after this last spell, I realized her choices were finished.  I was just glad she hadn't broken a bone, or back, or else.  Fortunate.  More, I am simply pleased that she has decided this on her own.  It isn't what she or I, possibly others, wanted.  But it... looked to be the only way.

She still has people around, who can and do visit.  She, now, is again allowed to leave the building, even grounds.  She can go for a meal, if she can get a ride.  And, her house is being kept for her.  She wants furniture decided upon.  I'm not sure what I can do for that.  It's a long drive, would require hiring a towing vehicle... I... just... don't know.

I am, sort of, busy dying myself.  Probably faster than she is.  Now that she has a secure place to live, and more, she is in better shape to handle the future.  No one will be breaking into her place, as they have been and as they do at my place.  A danger all on it's own, as I fail.  Hmm...

Anyway...  I am hungry.  Not sure I could eat if I found or cooked food.  But I... really would like to figure out how to try to get food, give a shot at eating.  Ugh...  Maybe.  Later, or good night.

Why bother?

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.

I have to push, so hard, just to wake up.  And then, when awake, I'm still not really awake.  I make plans, push to get to them.  No matter how hard I push, I usually don't get my list.  Sometimes I get an item or two.  Mostly, I don't even get that.  So rude, brutal, to be so crippled.  To try with such willpower, thought, continuous, pushing, pulling, yanking, tossing, moving, all for naught.

A week and two days, on medication.  Four or five days of extra water pills, and a few days of extra water pills in the evening.  Fluid is going.  It is time to cut the water pill though.  At least the morning pills... from five to three.  I will continue with the night pills.  

One of the good things is, I am peeing less at night.  I had worried I would never sleep, needing to go all night.  As it turns out, I only become a bit needful in the last two to five hours.  The rest of the night I sleep quite well.  Taking night pills doesn't matter all that much, other than reducing how much I end up going, as it pushes some out in the last four the five hours I am awake.

Have the medicines helped, or hurt, in any other way?  Not that I can tell.  Other than some achiness, as cavities drain and adjust, I'm not seeing any other real applications.  Legs are starting to cramp, if that is part of the water loss.  I may kick minerals up a bit... electrolytes.  As well, I may begin adding electrolytes to some of what I drink.  I need the water out, still.  And, yet, I don't want to zap all my minerals.  I have done this before.  Yes, I am taking extra potassium.  Extra extra, though not too much extra, it is hoped.

Well, on to a few things.  Hopefully.  Still so frustrated, and tired.  My hands are pins and needles, must have slept on them incorrectly that last bit.  Bleh.  Later.

A solid dose of pain.

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.

I have certainly known worse.  But this is a solid dose of it.  Ribs, internals, legs, shoulders.  A solid medium hurt from most areas.  The pain, in each area, could be worse.  And it could be aching in more areas.  I'd say it's seven out of tens areas and six to eight on a scale of one to ten, ten being the worst.

A long shower, hot.  I usually just wash.  This time I washed, rinsed, and several times.  As well, I worked on patches of dry skin, under the toenails a bit, and just enjoyed a rather long soak.  I didn't need the heat, but I sure didn't mind it.  But, now, clean to the bone, or as much as such would be possible.

I need to get to chores.  And get fresh water for the girls.  So very tired.  Doing anything takes... often... more than I have.  It is bad enough that I took more painpills.  I keep hoping for a day off.  I had been at one a day.  I then needed two, per morning.  Now I am needing two in the morning and one or two in the afternoon.

I'm not just taking it for the pain.  I am taking it in hopes of getting to things.  I need to do some work and tasks and... things.  I haven't been able to.  So tired, sore.  It isn't just the pain, it's that it's been every day.  More, there is a lot under the skin.  I'll keep trying.  Yes, there are risks.  I don't have many choices.  When you pee half to a whole gallon a shot, without drinking, things are going to shift.

I'll keep at it.  May try to go without painpills for a few days.  Dunno.  Can try, make it a goal, an aim.  Hungry, just... not... interested in eating.  Bleh.  Later, or good night.

Awake, for what it is worth.

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No idea when it was when I went to bed.  After midnight, almost certainly.  After one, three, five?  I... simply don't know.  I looked at the time.  I think it was after five.  But that may have been a dream.  Just a dream.  Powerful, strange, dreams, of late.  Imagine bureaucracies burning?  Dreams.  Corrections.  Evil portions of government, law, even public big businesses, corrected in the strictest of manners.  But, too, dreams of life, and death, mine and others.  Strange dreams.

I woke a bit earlier, but didn't actually get out of bed until 13:00, right at... though a few minutes after, by the time I was downstairs, and had fed the girls.  They were hungry, it is late.  As things shift, I do my best to feed them more around certain times of day than by my schedule.  Of course, that shifts as my schedule shifts.  I just... do my best.

A shower, shortly.  Then more laundry in.  Whatever else is possible.  Seems dark, if the sun may have been out, for a short bit?  Who knows, it might actually be out off and on, or even now.  Can't tell, nor am I quite ready to go out and check.  Still tired.  And I do hurt a bit.

I am guessing the pain, currently, if mild as well as persistent, has to do with the loss of fluids.  As I purge excess liquids, my body had to adjust muscles, organ placement, connective tissue, and cavities which had once held pockets of water... blood... or whatever else.  What appears as fat, often, is just water... fluid.  Well, some of it.

Still, it is slowly improving.  Or I am getting used to the pains?  A bit of both.  My legs are almost completely back to normal.  The skin is still a bit loose, but is readjusting.  Which, really, made me realize that the pains might well have been from fluid removal.  My legs, skin to muscle, do hurt a bit but nearly normalized.  I would guess I probably have seven to ten more gallons of extra fluid to get out.  Though I can't get it all out in one go.

I'll give the higher dose of water pill through, say, another five to seven days.  Then drop it to normal for a few weeks.  Then, after a few weeks to a month, depending on how things are working, go back to a higher dose again.  Again, just for a week or so.  That is a lot of extra fluid weight.  Imagine wearing fifty to a hundred extra pounds, all the time.  Especially when all organs, including the heart, are taxed otherwise, on top of the extra weight.  Yea... I... will get rid of it.

A shower, some housekeeping... anything I can do.  Oh, but a bite to eat, first.  Really hungry.  Later.

Someone is busy.

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Not alone, it seems.  So many languages, and ways of suggestion, if all... seeming to say the same things?  I suspect so.  How many people can speak the same tongue?

Trying to sleep.

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.

Someone keeps... suggesting things.

I can't be angry.  Is she a believer?  When... she wants to be.

Good, enough.

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.

Grilled chicken thighs came out pretty good.  I didn't allow them to cool enough, however, so have a bit of a stomach ache.  I also cooked brats.  Came out just right.  A few thighs, then a few brats with sauerkraut.  Odd, when I eat meat while it is too hot, I get a stomach ache, just as if I ate too much candy, or... a few other things if I can't remember what all does that.

On the good side, I was out just in time, or for certain, to see the sun.  It has been days since I have seen a brightness I miss.  Not only a good few bites of good food, but sunshine.  My body, and mind, eat that up.  I am hoping for more sun tomorrow.  Perhaps a bit more warmth, too.  It was 44 out.  Not bad, but certainly not warm.  And, after all the rain and cooler temps, as a recent high, it was a bit too cool.  It will get colder, just... a bit of warmth, first, before we go into the dark would be appreciated.

I'll try to get to chores before too long.  I have been keeping up on the girls, mostly.  Litter, though, needs sorted.  And fresher water would be good.  So tired.  Will try.

Almost time to begin fixing food.

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Got the grill going.  It should be just about ready for a second stage.  I, first, light it up and let it rip.  Then I shunt vents and get it to a solid, sustainable, temperature.  Hopefully right at a medium to medium high.  Good enough to grill meats well, without burning.  I also leave an area where the heat can't burn.  Especially when cooking something with fats which might render and create a fire.

Chicken thighs will burn, if not cautious, as will steaks and some ribs and such.  Brats not so much, though they may burn if just left too long and too hot.  Tonight?  Probably chicken, a few pieces, and brats?  Probably.  So hungry.  I have been hungry all "morning", but unable to do much about it.  Maybe, shortly, I'll get food.

I called my mother.  The last time, she suggested she was going out for dinner, she wasn't.  I don't know if she was confused, talking about what she wanted to do, or... what.  But, this time, it sounds like she is actually getting out for dinner, somewhere in a nearby town.  Very happy to hear it.  Plus, she was able to stop at her place, and pick up clothes.  She has been living out of a, basically, overnight bag.  More, by a bit, but not much.

Still needing her walker.  Canes, even the four prongs, just won't do it.  Still, that she has fallen so often, and not broken, is a hopeful thing.  And she was a heavy smoker for many of her years alive.  Take graces where one can get them.  I am just glad she is able to get out, get some clothes, and feel all grown up, again.

Well, I should get back to the grill, set it for it's next stage, and plan dinner.  Getting the chicken spiced, and ready to grill... and the brats.  The rest of the meat needs t o be refrigerated.  So hungry!  Yes, on to the grill and dinner... supper... etc.  Good day.

Noon thirty.

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Not great, but it could be worse.  Already hitting 13:00.  Not moving fast, but I did get the water pills... the extras... in the pill box finally.  I have been taking the extra, but had to go get them, and then remember to take them.  Eventually.  And, why?  Well, because I have lost thirty to forty pounds in the last week.  And I am still, probably, just from extra fluid, between 280 and 300... which means I could easily lose another thirty to forty pounds, just in fluids.

So, yeah... I have to take extra.  One, or two, water pills a day simply will not do anything except maintain what is an excess of fluid.  Perhaps it will keep from adding more, but that water is doing bad things.  From causing exhaustion through flooding cells and lungs and other organs, to adding weight which simply crushes me, makes me have to work much harder just to stand.  More water pills.

And, actually, I may add some in the afternoon too.  While the "morning" pills do help me void, they sort of stop working by later in the afternoon.  Though I am not sure extra water pills will help, I am willing to take some risk, short term... for the next week.  I need to get rid of some of that fluid.  It's killing me, in a dozen ways.

Another shower today.  And I have fresh clean clothes to wear today.  I may add another load of laundry into the mix, today.  As well, hopefully, after a shower... and sometime through the day... get dishes started.  A lot of them.  Plus I really have to change the cat litter, feed the girls and critters, and... a few other things.

I am doing better?  Sort of.  I am able to do a few things.  Still crippled up a goodly bit.  The dark, damp, cool to cold, and health are combining to be a bit brutal.  But I am pushing on through.  I had thought not to take painkillers today, but... reconsidered.  Well, just one.  I have been able to take just one, most of this week.  I have taken two, once... and none twice.  Today, I need one.  Limited pain sites, but more potent pain from them.  Kidneys.  Yes, risks.  It is how it goes.  Later.

Still raining, and so dark.

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Midafternoon, cool, raining, and as mentioned quite dark.  If feels like late afternoon, has all day.  A shower has been taken.  The girls have been fed and treated.  I need to do more.  I wish to dry off a bit first, if with the rain, I'm not sure it matters.  I should have a rain slicker around somewhere.  Rain, rain, go away...

I am hungry, too.  Nothing really available.  Oh, cans of tuna, sardines, but that just doesn't work for main meals.  Well, and pots and pans are scarce.  It would be good, I could make something, if pots and pans were available.  I suppose there are things available.  Though, I must admit, I am thinking of getting rid of many post and pans.

I am thinking of removing all save a few smaller pots and a few pans.  I'll keep the good ones, get rid of the thin, tinny, ones.  The idea is to get to where not only do I have a limited number, but that for the most part they are smaller.  So, if really needed, I could get them all done in one or two small wash cycles.  A few dishpans would do all of my pots and pans.

Do I have the bravery, to get rid of some very pricey pans?  Or could I include them in what I keep, even if a little larger than I might absolutely prefer?  Just... thinking about some things.  The other thing is, if I got rid of them, but really wanted them back, there is no way I could afford them at this point.  Hmm... I may put the good ones up, get rid of the cheap/ugly/questionable ones... and, if I want them back, I could pull them back out of storage boxes... here at the house somewhere.

I best get to some things.  I have the laundry ready to start.  Then could put dishes up.  Chores need doing.  And I am really hungry, if I'm not sure what to do about it.  I did begin thawing meats, but that will take a fairly long time, a day or two, to be ready.  Bleh.

Later.

Late and in pain.

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I have certainly had worse though.  Just a constant, medium level, pain mostly in the midsection.  Guts, really.  A painkiller to start the day, and medicine.  Not a lot of pain, just... a lot of pain?  It hurts a little in many places.  It doesn't even add up to all that much, but it does make doing anything a bit of a cranky operation.  So... as mentioned, painpills.

Six days on medication.  It's going well.  I am still very tired.  I... have things to do, but am so tired so often that I forget, or am unable to do, those things.  Contacting friends, family, doing chores, cleaning, even getting showers in.  Though, too, it has been mostly dark for the last week.  Still overcast, and raining, today.  Wet, this last week, pretty much every day.  A bit unusual, just not too terribly so.  We often get rain, or snow, but usually a bit more spread out?  And often a bit earlier in the year?  Meh, I think fall is always up for grabs, as is spring, as to rain.  It has been good for sleep.

I have slipped.  Sleeping later and later.  I think, last night, it was after 01:30, perhaps later than 02:30?  Waking at 11:30.  I did set the alarm, the late one.  I have no idea what happened.  Did I just turn it off?  Did I hit the snooze until later turning it off, or maybe it just did it's available cycles and turned itself off.  I have no idea.  I do know, a few times, once around 07:00, then around 10:00, I did try to wake.  It is what it is.  I do my best.  Even when I woke, I had to crawl out, force myself to wake.  Do as well as I may.

Still... life is good.  Pain, weariness, discomforts galore... all good.  I remember to pray to God, thanking Him for the opportunity to know Him, and pray to Him, even... especially... through the pain.  Seems an odd prayer, but if you ever get to know Him, you will understand.  Even if I end up in hell, I will always pray to Him... believe it or else.  His... praiseworthiness isn't dependent on my salvation.

I best get things going.  I have several things needing done.  Good morning, day, and afternoon already too.  Get to it.  Later.

Such strange creatures.  They hate themselves, and the ones they love.  Until you understand, you can't.  Even when you do, you often won't.  Such strange creatures.

A few fall, and life, thoughts.

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I can't make my own videos, for many reasons.  So, I investigate those others have created.  Perfectly good, or well enough, for my beliefs and tastes.  Then I share those.  Here are a few, and quite good as fall settles in and winter approaches.  I'm not sure why they hit so strongly sometimes, but so be it.

The first is... well... food.  I am not, nor never will be... by choice... a vegetarian.  If needs be, so be it.  I would, if required, humbly, sadly, also be a cannibal.  No more than necessary, and hopefully never to the point of murder.  Odd though, how starvation, and teasing with foods, can turn one quite dark.  Never been to either stage, but have been hungry enough, that if food wasn't available elsewise, it could have been considered (even if I couldn't use those other foods, though which also meant I couldn't have used human meat... I just... couldn't eat anything, in spite of starving).  Thank God, and telling it as it is... was... may be.

Had to use the alarm.

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Down late, again.  But wanted to wake a bit earlier.  Not sure it was a success, as I was hoping.  But it did succeed, just not as well as supposed.  I skipped setting the early alarm, and a later alarm would have been out.  So I did set the 09:00 alarm.  I woke well enough, mostly.  Though thought the snooze bar would be good.  And, so, I used it right to the last one and a bit beyond.  I didn't wake, actually, until 09:43... three minutes after the last snooze had been hit and the alarm was done.

The odd thing is, i keep feeling like I had slept an hour between bars.  Though I never felt as if I rested much.  Even now, I am so very tired.  If I can't shake off sleep in the next hour, I'll have no choice but to return to bed, if not before.  It is as if I dreamed of hitting the snooze bar dozens of times, over many hours.  A dream echo of the events in my mind.  Horrible, actually.  Especially since, for most of them, and I couldn't tell which, I couldn't have awaken from them because I was dreaming them.

Will see if I can get something going today.  Trash out, chores, cat litter, a shower, laundry, dishes.  Bleh.  Assuming I stay up for very long.  I do have four days of medicine under the bridge.  Today is going on the fifth day.  I'll get something to drink, then get the start in.  I think more water pills though, at least to start off.  While what I am taking is keeping me static, I have quite a bit of fluid built up deep inside... more than I thought.  As I was clipping my toenails today, I noticed the huge indents on whichever ankle  and leg part were put up on the other.  Yea, I need to drain that swamp.  Four to six days of three to five water pills... it's a risk, but not without good reason.  The water, by itself, in my lungs and legs, can slow me down, weigh me down, exhaust and tire me.

Later.