.
.
I woke at 7:00. I have been goofing this morning, waking up as I usually do... slowly. I need to begin making my plans. I need to figure out where I am going and what I am going to do. I need to decide how to get there, how much it will cost, and the best way to do it as economically as possible. I still have a few things I wish to buy, and a couple of things are still in the process of being procured. But the first two hours after waking up is not the time to be doing that exploring and decision making. As a fact, the only thing that first two hours is good for is getting my eyes to stay open and deciding if I need to use the lavatory or not (which I did, if you are curious).
By the way, I was able to tend the call to my Mom. I called her home while she was away. I left a message letting her know I made it home and am well. I was polite, and as always, told her I loved her. I know, in time, I will need to talk with her personally. For now, this will do. I cannot change the fact that we are the way we are and that we cannot live together. I cannot change some things. She should have known this. Even with my family and friends, business is business.
I may begin looking at areas on the internet. I might do some price checking. But I am not going to do a lot of heavy work until after New Years. As well, I will (probably) hold off packing a great deal until then as well. Little jobs might be done, but the major tasks will just have to wait. The same goes for all other local tasks I wish to accomplish. Those will wait until after the first. I need some down time, here in the cave. I need to relax and get my bearings. I need to settle with the notion that school is over, probably forever. I have to understand that I will probably never work, or be useful, in any significant way. I am retired.
Then again, I do not want to relax into oblivion, even for a short bit. I am going to have to keep on the surface, at least until I am working toward my move. Then I will have to ramp things up a bit. I will only be able to really rest, again, when I am finally moved wherever it is I end up. I have to watch things then, as well, though. That pit is too deep if I just drop and allow it. I will need to begin finding out about the land around me, some of the people, church, and a few other things. Some of these things will be researched before I go, yet research is nothing like reality quite often. I will have more than one option when I move, too. If one place does not work like I thought it would, I need to have a second and third option, right from the start. I am not willing to settle on lesser places. I am looking for a place to live the rest of my life. I want to be happy, comfortable, and safe.
Happiness, not being what most people seem to think, is a real quantity I am looking for. To me it is a deep sense of personal, moral, ethical, and social harmony. It comes from finding a place where, even if I do not fit, I can at least find a place within what is around me. I know now I will never actually fit anywhere. I do not fit with “intellectuals”, they are too often pansies. I do not fit with hicks, they live their own ways and are no more moral than the “intellectuals”. I do not fit with the freaks, the average, or the above or below average. If I am not necessarily singular, I am close enough. I understand I will not find a place and a people, I will merely find a place I can enjoy with people who can let well enough alone without isolating me either.
I am not sure what to do, at the moment. I have too much time and I am trying to take it easy until January. I can goof a bit, and enjoy that. But it does get boring. If the weather is still warm, I may head out and take a look around some of my favorite summer areas. It got to 50 F around here, after several weeks of a hard frozen world. I am not sure what it is today. I know I can gear up for up to -40 F (at least) though, so I should be good. Maybe tomorrow. I have not heard if my friend will be coming through or not. I have not heard a word from my lady friend. So, for now, I am on my own to do what I will. One thing for sure, I am hoping to regulate my sleeping and waking periods. So, my goal is to stay awake all day. Maybe I can begin going over some of my coursework.
I will figure it out. Have a good day.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Mum…
.
.
She called this morning, crying and such. She wants me to call, which of course I will do. I got home a bit late last night and I am just waking this morning, so I had not done that. I think she knows or at least fears that I will not be living with her now. I must admit, to a degree, I tested her. I wanted to know how this would work. It was not a harsh test or a tricky test. And, in part, it was natural (I really could not sleep and so I really could not wake well or early because of it). But not doing a task when I had finally awaken was to check her response, especially with company there. After being awake only a half hour, she wanted me to get going on taking the Christmas lights down (not very many and they are all on the ground, more like lighted decorations). I would have been pleased to do the work, take them down, store them away, but not “right now”. And, I prefer to work alone. I do not want her (or anyone's) interference. If I am unsure about something, I will ask (such as where they go, if there are boxes, etc., which I ask up front). She wants things done NOW, when she is in certain moods. Which is fine, for someone else, perhaps.
My blood pressure this morning was almost as good as it gets on medicine. It was 162/100. My best ever has been 136/96 or so. My pulse was 76, where my normal (since boot camp) was more like 80 to 90, resting (same with bp being about that “best ever”, as I recall, maybe 10 off both(?) maybe right there… something like that). I slept well here at the cave. I do not have classes to take, I do not have demands put on me by anyone, and I can sleep and wake as I wish (need). As well, I can keep the sleeping cave cool. I should get going on packing but I am enjoying the relaxation of the season. Plus, much of the business I would like to do is just not doable at the moment due to the season (yeah!).
I will give Mum a call. I know she is going to be a bit freaky when she knows for sure that I will not be moving in. I just have to be prepared for a hang-up or screeching that might require me to hang up. Bump… just felt the bp take a leap. Oh well. I will take a nap after that.
Have a good day.
.
She called this morning, crying and such. She wants me to call, which of course I will do. I got home a bit late last night and I am just waking this morning, so I had not done that. I think she knows or at least fears that I will not be living with her now. I must admit, to a degree, I tested her. I wanted to know how this would work. It was not a harsh test or a tricky test. And, in part, it was natural (I really could not sleep and so I really could not wake well or early because of it). But not doing a task when I had finally awaken was to check her response, especially with company there. After being awake only a half hour, she wanted me to get going on taking the Christmas lights down (not very many and they are all on the ground, more like lighted decorations). I would have been pleased to do the work, take them down, store them away, but not “right now”. And, I prefer to work alone. I do not want her (or anyone's) interference. If I am unsure about something, I will ask (such as where they go, if there are boxes, etc., which I ask up front). She wants things done NOW, when she is in certain moods. Which is fine, for someone else, perhaps.
My blood pressure this morning was almost as good as it gets on medicine. It was 162/100. My best ever has been 136/96 or so. My pulse was 76, where my normal (since boot camp) was more like 80 to 90, resting (same with bp being about that “best ever”, as I recall, maybe 10 off both(?) maybe right there… something like that). I slept well here at the cave. I do not have classes to take, I do not have demands put on me by anyone, and I can sleep and wake as I wish (need). As well, I can keep the sleeping cave cool. I should get going on packing but I am enjoying the relaxation of the season. Plus, much of the business I would like to do is just not doable at the moment due to the season (yeah!).
I will give Mum a call. I know she is going to be a bit freaky when she knows for sure that I will not be moving in. I just have to be prepared for a hang-up or screeching that might require me to hang up. Bump… just felt the bp take a leap. Oh well. I will take a nap after that.
Have a good day.
Friday, December 26, 2008
It will not work.
.
.
I hope you all had a Merry Christmas? I did. Simple, family oriented, and for the most part quiet. Few gifts were exchanged, but the gifts were sought and wanted. Talk, of course, fills the time and separates quiet times like eating fills the hunger. Food, as usual, was good and plentiful. Relatives, friends, and people I had not seen in some time were included. It was more like Christmas as I think it should be.
I had some difficulty sleeping at my Mom’s place. I think the way the place is set, the rooms are warmer than I can be comfortable in. I was glad to see her and I enjoyed most of the time. When our troubles became too much though, I left early. I see clearly that we cannot live together. So, I will begin looking for a place to move. Winter is a difficult time, but there might be some options that make it easier, if they are affordable. I will begin looking into Pod’s moving service, among others. Barring all else, I suppose a rental truck, a few pieces of equipment to allow a one man move, some phone calls, and a return flight might be the way to go. I have until April 1st, but I also need to pack and finish a few bits of business and work here.
My friend ended up not visiting on his way. He started a bit late, the roads were difficult, and I think he just wanted to… not need to negotiate… something. Perhaps I am too much like his father, a bit of a tyrant in a way, or something. I am positive he had overextended his driving. He had expected to drive too far in too little time and crashed short of his various goals. But I think some of that is pseudo subconscious yet somewhat thought out. That is fine though, I only suspect it because I find myself doing such mysterious oddities from time to time myself. When life gets a bit tough, we all tend to do what we need despite what we say. And, for real reasons. He may be back through on his way home. It depends on if he schedules well. Then again, like him, sometimes my scheduling skills are a bit weak. It is difficult to know for certain with some people, we keep some things close to our vest and remain as inscrutable as muddy waters. That is good too, if frustrating for those who do not understand.
I left on fairly bad terms with my mother. And though I will not be staying with her, or even more so because of that, I want to mend fences. She is a chain smoker, a bad nag, and too headstrong, but also her place is too small to store my stuff, I would only have a room and no garage, and the place is just too warm. Even more though, she says what she is paying is almost what I am paying here. I was hoping to pay a good 70 percent so she could stow up some cash, but for an insecure room and no garage in a small town, I will not do that. On top of that, I know she is a mooch. Oh, and she elevated my blood pressure by as much as 40 on the high score and 15 on the low (my blood pressure went from 180’ish over 120ish to 220/135, she would kill me in no time). Sorry, but that is the way of it. Even so, I do not wish to light out on bad terms. Especially since I know we will not see each other again for a very long time, if ever.
I am hoping to begin working out a bit too, as time and stress exhaustion (or whatever the cause) lifts. I think I will lift weights first, then try to get back to swimming. The weights I can do on my schedule, and perhaps lifting will put me back in shape to begin a functional schedule so that I am able to be to swimming at 6:00. I will have to be a bit careful with it with the blood pressure high again. But without medications I think nothing else will bring my blood pressure down or give me a chance at any kind of life. I think it was helping back when, on top of the functional medicine, it should be interesting to see if it can help on it’s own. As well, I would like to get the camera and darkroom equipment, plus the ‘Chinese calligraphy’ kit, and get going on those. Some things to get organized and started with. A few things to bide my time and expand my horizons. Oh, that and the physics work I am hoping to start as well. For probability and statics, I think I can go over what I have done and try and get a better grip on it. There was a lot of fat there that could and should be re-chewed in order to actually gain anything long lasting from the course.
That is that, for now. I am going to tinker until bedtime. I just arrived to the cave after a 5 hour drive through fog and wind. At least there was no ice or snow. Goodnight.
.
I hope you all had a Merry Christmas? I did. Simple, family oriented, and for the most part quiet. Few gifts were exchanged, but the gifts were sought and wanted. Talk, of course, fills the time and separates quiet times like eating fills the hunger. Food, as usual, was good and plentiful. Relatives, friends, and people I had not seen in some time were included. It was more like Christmas as I think it should be.
I had some difficulty sleeping at my Mom’s place. I think the way the place is set, the rooms are warmer than I can be comfortable in. I was glad to see her and I enjoyed most of the time. When our troubles became too much though, I left early. I see clearly that we cannot live together. So, I will begin looking for a place to move. Winter is a difficult time, but there might be some options that make it easier, if they are affordable. I will begin looking into Pod’s moving service, among others. Barring all else, I suppose a rental truck, a few pieces of equipment to allow a one man move, some phone calls, and a return flight might be the way to go. I have until April 1st, but I also need to pack and finish a few bits of business and work here.
My friend ended up not visiting on his way. He started a bit late, the roads were difficult, and I think he just wanted to… not need to negotiate… something. Perhaps I am too much like his father, a bit of a tyrant in a way, or something. I am positive he had overextended his driving. He had expected to drive too far in too little time and crashed short of his various goals. But I think some of that is pseudo subconscious yet somewhat thought out. That is fine though, I only suspect it because I find myself doing such mysterious oddities from time to time myself. When life gets a bit tough, we all tend to do what we need despite what we say. And, for real reasons. He may be back through on his way home. It depends on if he schedules well. Then again, like him, sometimes my scheduling skills are a bit weak. It is difficult to know for certain with some people, we keep some things close to our vest and remain as inscrutable as muddy waters. That is good too, if frustrating for those who do not understand.
I left on fairly bad terms with my mother. And though I will not be staying with her, or even more so because of that, I want to mend fences. She is a chain smoker, a bad nag, and too headstrong, but also her place is too small to store my stuff, I would only have a room and no garage, and the place is just too warm. Even more though, she says what she is paying is almost what I am paying here. I was hoping to pay a good 70 percent so she could stow up some cash, but for an insecure room and no garage in a small town, I will not do that. On top of that, I know she is a mooch. Oh, and she elevated my blood pressure by as much as 40 on the high score and 15 on the low (my blood pressure went from 180’ish over 120ish to 220/135, she would kill me in no time). Sorry, but that is the way of it. Even so, I do not wish to light out on bad terms. Especially since I know we will not see each other again for a very long time, if ever.
I am hoping to begin working out a bit too, as time and stress exhaustion (or whatever the cause) lifts. I think I will lift weights first, then try to get back to swimming. The weights I can do on my schedule, and perhaps lifting will put me back in shape to begin a functional schedule so that I am able to be to swimming at 6:00. I will have to be a bit careful with it with the blood pressure high again. But without medications I think nothing else will bring my blood pressure down or give me a chance at any kind of life. I think it was helping back when, on top of the functional medicine, it should be interesting to see if it can help on it’s own. As well, I would like to get the camera and darkroom equipment, plus the ‘Chinese calligraphy’ kit, and get going on those. Some things to get organized and started with. A few things to bide my time and expand my horizons. Oh, that and the physics work I am hoping to start as well. For probability and statics, I think I can go over what I have done and try and get a better grip on it. There was a lot of fat there that could and should be re-chewed in order to actually gain anything long lasting from the course.
That is that, for now. I am going to tinker until bedtime. I just arrived to the cave after a 5 hour drive through fog and wind. At least there was no ice or snow. Goodnight.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
I keep seeing it.
.
.
I keep seeing thoughts of revolt. I keep seeing signs of violence. And, really, whatever. The honest truth is that a revolt cannot win. Unless or until the government does something so over the top that even middlings are willing to stand up AND the military and police are willing to defend the constitution (assuming they have not been equally corrupted), anything done will not work. Then, even then, doubt any reasons given for a coup. Watch for the power hungry in that cabal itself. And understand that such a thing will end, possibly just as surely as if they do nothing, the way we live, how we understand life, and who we are. Then again, I think that is gone in any case. Also understand, if the election was legitimate (which I question for a number of reasons), you might be fighting for people who do not wish to be defended. They are not stupid, they know the price of socialism. Maybe they deserve it. So, if not sticking your head in sand, perhaps finding a place to go to be right would be the better solution. I know, slim choosing, but there are still places, for now.
So you want war? The only thing that makes America different, to date, is we have mostly kept our wars out of our nation, we have been very reluctant to go to war, we are not like the rest of the world. For good or ill, nuclear weapons ended war as we know it shortly after we were created. We do not have millennia of history, hate, war, and destroyed weakened civilizations and societies within societies. We have, for the most part, been successful according to our will to fight. With the advent of nukes, our will has weakened. We live in the land of milk and honey and Americans were quite willing to sacrifice other people and their real hopes, rights, and lives in order to keep our own goodies. Right or wrong, that is the way of it.
Everything, right now, is on the table. We have a government that is evil, whole, unadulterated, immoral, amoral, vile. Our choices are slim. And yet, that is the bulk of history, the majority of governance, and the general way of things. We have been an exception to the rule, no longer. How much we can keep, simply via civil disobedience, I do not know. But given that this president and his cronies honestly discussed liquidating 25 million, or more, Americans in order to activate their “utopia”, I just cannot say. What I must say, however, is that doing anything proactively would be unwise. Striking the wrong targets (thus creating enemies which should be allies), hitting civilians (thus becoming terrorists), or acting before actual need is a great and terrible risk. One that is bound to lose and cement what seems to be what is to be. Waiting too long, should that possible genocide begin, has it’s own risks. All I know is that when I stand before God I want to be sure any blood on my hands is definitively the blood of His enemies… not just mine.
Think people. Be cautious, be curious, be nervous, be ready, but think.
.
I keep seeing thoughts of revolt. I keep seeing signs of violence. And, really, whatever. The honest truth is that a revolt cannot win. Unless or until the government does something so over the top that even middlings are willing to stand up AND the military and police are willing to defend the constitution (assuming they have not been equally corrupted), anything done will not work. Then, even then, doubt any reasons given for a coup. Watch for the power hungry in that cabal itself. And understand that such a thing will end, possibly just as surely as if they do nothing, the way we live, how we understand life, and who we are. Then again, I think that is gone in any case. Also understand, if the election was legitimate (which I question for a number of reasons), you might be fighting for people who do not wish to be defended. They are not stupid, they know the price of socialism. Maybe they deserve it. So, if not sticking your head in sand, perhaps finding a place to go to be right would be the better solution. I know, slim choosing, but there are still places, for now.
So you want war? The only thing that makes America different, to date, is we have mostly kept our wars out of our nation, we have been very reluctant to go to war, we are not like the rest of the world. For good or ill, nuclear weapons ended war as we know it shortly after we were created. We do not have millennia of history, hate, war, and destroyed weakened civilizations and societies within societies. We have, for the most part, been successful according to our will to fight. With the advent of nukes, our will has weakened. We live in the land of milk and honey and Americans were quite willing to sacrifice other people and their real hopes, rights, and lives in order to keep our own goodies. Right or wrong, that is the way of it.
Everything, right now, is on the table. We have a government that is evil, whole, unadulterated, immoral, amoral, vile. Our choices are slim. And yet, that is the bulk of history, the majority of governance, and the general way of things. We have been an exception to the rule, no longer. How much we can keep, simply via civil disobedience, I do not know. But given that this president and his cronies honestly discussed liquidating 25 million, or more, Americans in order to activate their “utopia”, I just cannot say. What I must say, however, is that doing anything proactively would be unwise. Striking the wrong targets (thus creating enemies which should be allies), hitting civilians (thus becoming terrorists), or acting before actual need is a great and terrible risk. One that is bound to lose and cement what seems to be what is to be. Waiting too long, should that possible genocide begin, has it’s own risks. All I know is that when I stand before God I want to be sure any blood on my hands is definitively the blood of His enemies… not just mine.
Think people. Be cautious, be curious, be nervous, be ready, but think.
Time and the cold.
.
.
There was no use getting out the snow blower. It does not blow frozen ice even if it looks like snow. When three hundred pounds of me, simulating an angry gorilla cannot break the “snow”, the snow blower will not work. So, I have frozen stuff all over. I suppose I will have to try and figure out what, exactly, to do. I have a shovel but it is plastic for one thing, and even if I get a metal one I will need a pick or ice chipper as well. That is after a day of sunshine. Wonderful. In any case, I will figure it out. I am not staying here for the holidays.
My lady friend stopped by today. I suppose the laundry places are closed. She wanted to be fed. What I had on hand was not sufficient, so she asked for pizza. Fine, and they delivered amazingly. She has four wheel drive. She still almost got stuck in the driveway. She was worried about it when she arrived. I assured her we (I) would get her unstuck and out if need be and not to worry. After the meal, we played Scrabble. I won this one. She napped, I goofed, it was fine. She had wanted me to go read or something quiet, as my computer is very loud. I suggested she dream of a quiet place and continued on the machine. I was not feeling like serving today, not to that extent. She slept just fine, except for the squirrels in the walls (really, I am sure they are not rats or mice or they would leave evidence of several sorts.
While she was here, she noticed there were people walking around “upstairs”. This is a one level duplex, the “attic” is actually just an unfinished insulation and perhaps storage area. I had noticed people were up there, but pretty much just try to ignore the neighbors. I think they try to have way to many people live there, and tuck some of them up there. When she mentioned it, I decided to call the landlord about it and let him know. As usual, he tried to say there was no one up there. I handed the phone to my lady friend who had been listening to our conversation. He got an earful and no buts about it. After she made absolutely sure he understood, he asked to talk to me again. What can I say. Other than that I hope they do not fall through. Home invasion would not be a fun thing for anyone, except maybe me. I do have a bit of a wild streak. Guns, swords, knives, pepper spray, fighting batons, blackjacks, brass knuckles, and such are not necessary, they just add flavor or even odds. I even have several pair of handcuffs and thumbcuffs. Nothing like being prepared if survivors might be a frowned upon eventuality.
The cave is getting in better shape. I will try and call my friend this evening and see if he made it as far as he had hoped. I spoke with my lady friend and asked if she would take the keys if he is really late, so he could still stay here if I have gone already. She thought about it, wrinkled up her face so I thought she would say no, then said yes as if it was not a strain. She is too funny. It would save him some money and I would leave some food here for him. Plus, I think he misses the old place. He was in the other apartment, but it is pretty close, a mirror image, really. I will find out at about 20:00 or 21:00, if I can make contact. Well, that is about now, so…
My last test has been graded and posted already. It looks like I did a bit above average, but not by much. Not an A to be sure. I do not know how my scores stack up, but it looks like I should be able to get at least a C. Though a C is a bit of a let down, it is not a failure. A C and a B would not be too bad of an end. Though I will miss the learning I will not miss the nail-biting, clawing for purchase, and competition. And, I can continue to learn if only for my own purposes.
Stay warm and travel safely or enjoy as much time inside as you can. Unless you live somewhere warm. Then, stay in where it is cool. :p
.
There was no use getting out the snow blower. It does not blow frozen ice even if it looks like snow. When three hundred pounds of me, simulating an angry gorilla cannot break the “snow”, the snow blower will not work. So, I have frozen stuff all over. I suppose I will have to try and figure out what, exactly, to do. I have a shovel but it is plastic for one thing, and even if I get a metal one I will need a pick or ice chipper as well. That is after a day of sunshine. Wonderful. In any case, I will figure it out. I am not staying here for the holidays.
My lady friend stopped by today. I suppose the laundry places are closed. She wanted to be fed. What I had on hand was not sufficient, so she asked for pizza. Fine, and they delivered amazingly. She has four wheel drive. She still almost got stuck in the driveway. She was worried about it when she arrived. I assured her we (I) would get her unstuck and out if need be and not to worry. After the meal, we played Scrabble. I won this one. She napped, I goofed, it was fine. She had wanted me to go read or something quiet, as my computer is very loud. I suggested she dream of a quiet place and continued on the machine. I was not feeling like serving today, not to that extent. She slept just fine, except for the squirrels in the walls (really, I am sure they are not rats or mice or they would leave evidence of several sorts.
While she was here, she noticed there were people walking around “upstairs”. This is a one level duplex, the “attic” is actually just an unfinished insulation and perhaps storage area. I had noticed people were up there, but pretty much just try to ignore the neighbors. I think they try to have way to many people live there, and tuck some of them up there. When she mentioned it, I decided to call the landlord about it and let him know. As usual, he tried to say there was no one up there. I handed the phone to my lady friend who had been listening to our conversation. He got an earful and no buts about it. After she made absolutely sure he understood, he asked to talk to me again. What can I say. Other than that I hope they do not fall through. Home invasion would not be a fun thing for anyone, except maybe me. I do have a bit of a wild streak. Guns, swords, knives, pepper spray, fighting batons, blackjacks, brass knuckles, and such are not necessary, they just add flavor or even odds. I even have several pair of handcuffs and thumbcuffs. Nothing like being prepared if survivors might be a frowned upon eventuality.
The cave is getting in better shape. I will try and call my friend this evening and see if he made it as far as he had hoped. I spoke with my lady friend and asked if she would take the keys if he is really late, so he could still stay here if I have gone already. She thought about it, wrinkled up her face so I thought she would say no, then said yes as if it was not a strain. She is too funny. It would save him some money and I would leave some food here for him. Plus, I think he misses the old place. He was in the other apartment, but it is pretty close, a mirror image, really. I will find out at about 20:00 or 21:00, if I can make contact. Well, that is about now, so…
My last test has been graded and posted already. It looks like I did a bit above average, but not by much. Not an A to be sure. I do not know how my scores stack up, but it looks like I should be able to get at least a C. Though a C is a bit of a let down, it is not a failure. A C and a B would not be too bad of an end. Though I will miss the learning I will not miss the nail-biting, clawing for purchase, and competition. And, I can continue to learn if only for my own purposes.
Stay warm and travel safely or enjoy as much time inside as you can. Unless you live somewhere warm. Then, stay in where it is cool. :p
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)