.
.
I still feel out of sorts. I am able to take the high blood pressure medicine and I am able to stay awake. Concentration is tricky, but I am working to expand that. That I am beginning to expand my concentration is saying something. The homework is not easy, lots of material has been covered and it is sometimes exceedingly complicated. With the answers to the problems, I am able to reverse engineer most of what I cannot figure out up front. That takes a bit more time and concentration but it is necessary. I am not sure how much time I have, but my goal is to be as ready as I am able to be by Monday. After that, I will use any time left in order to work further and to begin doing physics. Physics has been languishing as might be expected.
Though that sounds murky, the truth is it is a good sign. I still need to nap often, work for short periods and then back off and relax by blogging or whatnot, and then get back to it when I can. My body still feels like I was assaulted a few days ago. My headache is no longer migraine quality and the bodily soreness has lessened. The nausea is only occasional now. Things are looking up. I have covered a little less than half of the material. My goal is to go through all of the homework (at least once), to rewrite my notes, to complete the quizzes, and to study the more difficult aspects separately by Sunday. I am working diligently to finish the homework today. I do not pass a problem without solving it and understanding it unless the theory will be covered specifically later, which has allowed me to pass up only one problem so far. I am able to do most of the problems quickly. A quarter of them, however, need a thorough review of the material, including searching through the book, the notes, or both, in order to sort them out. My pace will only get slower as the later work is the most difficult, especially with my recent incapacities. I can only do what I can do, goals just add fire to the engine to push me a bit.
The blind study I have done has helped. Though as I expected, what I learned doing that was not functional. Knowing a formula does not necessarily equate to using it in a particular question, though remembering the particulars of why to use geometric versus hyper geometric distributions can be useful. I really do enjoy this work. It is demanding, intricate, interesting, and real. There is only one right answer (though there may be more than one ways to get that answer… sometimes… okay, rarely). I am a bit confused about the studies in general though. I know I would never be able to just pull this up and be able to functionally operate a problem from memory. And more, I would be even harder pressed to see what I am learning here within another type of problem and then begin figuring it out, or which part of it to use if I did see, when confronted by a problem which is soluble, or which could be more easily solved or partially solved, by these operations. This frustrates me greatly. I really DO want to get to that level. I do, however, realize that this is not practical. The same is true for calculus. I really enjoy both fields of math, even if I am a math weakling. Still, I do enjoy this when I can be awake and aware enough to do it. I just wish I had enough extra to play with some of this. That, however, is not within my capacity, at least not yet.
But, darn it, I am not going to quit! I have just enough juice to maybe do this now. And, should I fail, it will not be because I did not use every ounce I have to my name and then some.
My moods, of course, have been all over the board. With exhaustion, my body trying to come back on line, the medications effects, politics, and such, this is to be expected. Actually, emotionally, I should be in the tank. Everything is difficult, daunting, even threatening. I am actually, and in spite of how it might seem here, doing fairly well emotionally, if with some occasional and serious dips. At least that feeling I had before is with me still, and it does not fade in my worst moments! I take it as a gift, if I wish I knew more about it. Though I must admit, with or without that, my ultimate and mundane hope and faith do not fail me. My worries and doubts are only temporary, like a headache. And, yes, I believe God is with me, but more, I want Him here with me. Even at my worst, I share this with Him (and His), and it is good. I do not know His plans for me but I am quite comfortable that even if it is harsh, it will be something I can bear. Well, it is harsh actually. It could become worse. :p Walking on the coals of life I walk on, carrying the cross I have been asked to carry and in spite of my complaints here, I am actually rather happy. Not a happiness from getting things, succeeding, or such, but a deep, sincere, true contentedness which does not rely on success, how I feel emotionally or physically, or other worldly affairs, events, or realities. Yeah, I guess you could say I am good.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Friday, October 31, 2008
The first day.
.
.
The medicine is helping me stay awake, but the rest of the mix is realigning my innards. Or, that is how it feels. I did check my blood sugar this morning, 145 fasting. Though that is not superior, it beats 250 running average when I was checking it regularly when I could stay awake and be active enough and conscientious to check it. I cannot say the medicine will give me what I need to get going on studying, but I will use what I can. I am rather ill, both from the medicine and from anxiety. I hope I do not just pop a cork while trying to take care of business. Oh heck, it is all good, in some ways.
Oh, I did want to mention something. In spite of my doubts about politics, my health problems, and my probable decision about the future of my education, I still feel that sense of hope. It is not about me or politics, it is real hope. No, not hope, certainty. Something changed in reality, and it is not Obama, Democrats, Republicans, the economy, or such. Perhaps it is some kind of reawakening of Christianity. If it comes too late for this election, or for real politics if the D’s take over and change the constitution as they are planning, that souls are saved is something. Lots of souls is really big. We have been persecuted to near extinction before, if we must become martyrs again, so be it. That seems like a losing hope, but it is only if you are vested in this world.
Something which has impressed me, lately, is that the Catholic Church, against the odds and knowing what will happen to it if O. and the other D’s win, has come out squarely in the correct corner, at least on air, the bits I have seen from Bishops and such, and the big gun has even come out. The Pope has made declarations in this. As I said, this is a dangerous time for the Church to be picking sides, especially in what looks to be a lost cause. As for me, I have already accepted the fact that there will probably be persecutions and eventually perhaps outright extermination pogroms against those with real faith. The cardboard Christians will just find other social clubs. They always do.
Although I must admit, there is still a chance O. will lose. McCain will not win, he cannot. If he does not lose, he has only Obama to thank for it. As for D’s, I cannot say. I would hope people could see the danger, but I think they avoid all notion of it. How do the elderly really think the government will be able to afford health care? It will come at their expense. The rest of the world is waiting for us to socialize so, as a group, the governments can begin cutting costs by eliminating the elderly and disabled. Odd that such a large group would not know the risk. Or is it that they see this as a good thing? Do they want this done but are unable to bring themselves to do it? They cannot be ignorant. They have lived through decades of pop-culture warnings. Do they not remember what they thought of the old when they were teens and 20 somethings? That is about to be implemented through the politics of their youth come to life, and death.
My head is pounding, my innards are like jelly, and my anxiety levels are on edge. But, I have work to do. Oh, bother, if you cannot handle the truth, just realize it is Halloween. It is just a spooky story that will never come to fruition. Now, go out and get your treats. Children should stick to things which are for children.
.
The medicine is helping me stay awake, but the rest of the mix is realigning my innards. Or, that is how it feels. I did check my blood sugar this morning, 145 fasting. Though that is not superior, it beats 250 running average when I was checking it regularly when I could stay awake and be active enough and conscientious to check it. I cannot say the medicine will give me what I need to get going on studying, but I will use what I can. I am rather ill, both from the medicine and from anxiety. I hope I do not just pop a cork while trying to take care of business. Oh heck, it is all good, in some ways.
Oh, I did want to mention something. In spite of my doubts about politics, my health problems, and my probable decision about the future of my education, I still feel that sense of hope. It is not about me or politics, it is real hope. No, not hope, certainty. Something changed in reality, and it is not Obama, Democrats, Republicans, the economy, or such. Perhaps it is some kind of reawakening of Christianity. If it comes too late for this election, or for real politics if the D’s take over and change the constitution as they are planning, that souls are saved is something. Lots of souls is really big. We have been persecuted to near extinction before, if we must become martyrs again, so be it. That seems like a losing hope, but it is only if you are vested in this world.
Something which has impressed me, lately, is that the Catholic Church, against the odds and knowing what will happen to it if O. and the other D’s win, has come out squarely in the correct corner, at least on air, the bits I have seen from Bishops and such, and the big gun has even come out. The Pope has made declarations in this. As I said, this is a dangerous time for the Church to be picking sides, especially in what looks to be a lost cause. As for me, I have already accepted the fact that there will probably be persecutions and eventually perhaps outright extermination pogroms against those with real faith. The cardboard Christians will just find other social clubs. They always do.
Although I must admit, there is still a chance O. will lose. McCain will not win, he cannot. If he does not lose, he has only Obama to thank for it. As for D’s, I cannot say. I would hope people could see the danger, but I think they avoid all notion of it. How do the elderly really think the government will be able to afford health care? It will come at their expense. The rest of the world is waiting for us to socialize so, as a group, the governments can begin cutting costs by eliminating the elderly and disabled. Odd that such a large group would not know the risk. Or is it that they see this as a good thing? Do they want this done but are unable to bring themselves to do it? They cannot be ignorant. They have lived through decades of pop-culture warnings. Do they not remember what they thought of the old when they were teens and 20 somethings? That is about to be implemented through the politics of their youth come to life, and death.
My head is pounding, my innards are like jelly, and my anxiety levels are on edge. But, I have work to do. Oh, bother, if you cannot handle the truth, just realize it is Halloween. It is just a spooky story that will never come to fruition. Now, go out and get your treats. Children should stick to things which are for children.
The Doctor.
.
.
The visit, according to my goals, was successful. My new doctor had no difficulty prescribing the medication. I have yet to see, for sure, if it works. My blood pressure, as expected, was high. It was 178/120. I ought to check my blood sugar, glucose, whatever, today too. He suggested I start the rest of my medication immediately and he has set up an appointment for next week to see if my blood pressure is falling. Thankfully, that will be after pay day and I will be able to pay for the visit. The visit and the medicine were a bit of an expense. And, I will need to see him every month in order to fill this prescription. If it works, it will be worth it.
He did indicate, and rather strongly, that the doctor at the V.A. probably had nothing to do with the failing of the medication. He said that such an event would demand the collusion of the pharmacy, and would risk the pharmaceutical practitioner’s license. He suggested that the real root of the problem, and something I have considered, was that the manufacturer changed the formulation. Being a generic, the rules of production are looser, so that how the medicine works can be altered without warning or consequences, so long as certain aspects of the medicine's chemistry remain the same. I have considered non-generic, however, I am unsure as to my ability to pay and the efficacy of such in any case. What this means is that, even if this other prescription works, it is probably simply a matter of time before it too is changed. Given my inability to pay, the uncertainty of any medication, and the rest of it, this means that this is probably the last term of college I will take. It is quite harsh to be in the middle of something and then to suddenly become completely disabled again.
As for my part, I will do what I can to salvage this term. I will not be returning for next term. I will be looking for a place to move until my lease is up or until I can find a means of getting out of my lease by finding a renter my landlord would accept. I had thought to try and store my household goods and personal belongings, but that is quite a task to do solo. It would be a great deal of effort to move it all out of here and then move it all into my new place while also being a great weight, in several ways, holding me down wherever I might end up. So, I will begin liquidating the goods. Books, weights, furniture, all must go. I will pare it down to a basic set of clothing, my outdoor gear, firearms, and few other items. I will get it down to fit in my vehicle both by bulk and weight. At which point, I may begin trying to find a place to move.
Short or long term, a smaller town almost anywhere, which is very affordable, is what I will do, simply to be on my way. Longer term, hopefully, I will find a place in the mountains or foothills with those same qualities. I suppose, once I begin my migration, my health will have to take care of itself. My doctor indicated that there are things worse than death, and looked at me questioningly. I knew the answer he was looking for, a stroke and partial paralyzation. What he did not count on is that, since I live alone, that would be death. It might take two or three days, but it would be death. If it would not be comfortable, it would be sure. I have no one who checks on me and those who do call are used to me being “absent” for periods of days, weeks, even months. Still, it would be good to find some small town in a place I like, attempt to find medical attention if that works for as long as it works, and just enjoy what of my life I may and when I may enjoy it.
It is a bitter pill to swallow, but it is what I have. I know I have done everything in my power to do succeed. And though I have failed, I have had some good moments, I was able to see some semblance of normalcy for a bit, and I have had some successes. Further, I do have some interests left to pursue. There are things I have never done which I will be able to do. I am sure there are people to be befriended, a church which I still feel at home in when I am able to attend, and a wilderness yet to explore. Life is not over, but the shades have been drawn on my hopes of becoming a professional and leaving disability behind. Everyone nears this time, some pass through and find other things in life. I can hope for that part now.
Now to see if I can get through this semester though. I just hate quitting a battle even if the war is over. And, it would be good to leave with another success under my belt.
.
The visit, according to my goals, was successful. My new doctor had no difficulty prescribing the medication. I have yet to see, for sure, if it works. My blood pressure, as expected, was high. It was 178/120. I ought to check my blood sugar, glucose, whatever, today too. He suggested I start the rest of my medication immediately and he has set up an appointment for next week to see if my blood pressure is falling. Thankfully, that will be after pay day and I will be able to pay for the visit. The visit and the medicine were a bit of an expense. And, I will need to see him every month in order to fill this prescription. If it works, it will be worth it.
He did indicate, and rather strongly, that the doctor at the V.A. probably had nothing to do with the failing of the medication. He said that such an event would demand the collusion of the pharmacy, and would risk the pharmaceutical practitioner’s license. He suggested that the real root of the problem, and something I have considered, was that the manufacturer changed the formulation. Being a generic, the rules of production are looser, so that how the medicine works can be altered without warning or consequences, so long as certain aspects of the medicine's chemistry remain the same. I have considered non-generic, however, I am unsure as to my ability to pay and the efficacy of such in any case. What this means is that, even if this other prescription works, it is probably simply a matter of time before it too is changed. Given my inability to pay, the uncertainty of any medication, and the rest of it, this means that this is probably the last term of college I will take. It is quite harsh to be in the middle of something and then to suddenly become completely disabled again.
As for my part, I will do what I can to salvage this term. I will not be returning for next term. I will be looking for a place to move until my lease is up or until I can find a means of getting out of my lease by finding a renter my landlord would accept. I had thought to try and store my household goods and personal belongings, but that is quite a task to do solo. It would be a great deal of effort to move it all out of here and then move it all into my new place while also being a great weight, in several ways, holding me down wherever I might end up. So, I will begin liquidating the goods. Books, weights, furniture, all must go. I will pare it down to a basic set of clothing, my outdoor gear, firearms, and few other items. I will get it down to fit in my vehicle both by bulk and weight. At which point, I may begin trying to find a place to move.
Short or long term, a smaller town almost anywhere, which is very affordable, is what I will do, simply to be on my way. Longer term, hopefully, I will find a place in the mountains or foothills with those same qualities. I suppose, once I begin my migration, my health will have to take care of itself. My doctor indicated that there are things worse than death, and looked at me questioningly. I knew the answer he was looking for, a stroke and partial paralyzation. What he did not count on is that, since I live alone, that would be death. It might take two or three days, but it would be death. If it would not be comfortable, it would be sure. I have no one who checks on me and those who do call are used to me being “absent” for periods of days, weeks, even months. Still, it would be good to find some small town in a place I like, attempt to find medical attention if that works for as long as it works, and just enjoy what of my life I may and when I may enjoy it.
It is a bitter pill to swallow, but it is what I have. I know I have done everything in my power to do succeed. And though I have failed, I have had some good moments, I was able to see some semblance of normalcy for a bit, and I have had some successes. Further, I do have some interests left to pursue. There are things I have never done which I will be able to do. I am sure there are people to be befriended, a church which I still feel at home in when I am able to attend, and a wilderness yet to explore. Life is not over, but the shades have been drawn on my hopes of becoming a professional and leaving disability behind. Everyone nears this time, some pass through and find other things in life. I can hope for that part now.
Now to see if I can get through this semester though. I just hate quitting a battle even if the war is over. And, it would be good to leave with another success under my belt.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Messed up!
.
.
I awoke a bit ago and started moving around. Then it hit me. What DAY is this! Did I miss my test, my doctors appointment, what day! I rushed to a device that would give me the truth. With a little relief, my system began to relax. You cannot imagine the horrors of this. In periods where timing is crucial, not being able to trust one’s ability to wake on time or sleep less than a day, stress levels can rise in the extreme. Still, I know I will need another sleep period between now and my appointment, so the dread has not completely dissipated.
On the up side, I will be seeing my doctor soon. As well, I have spoken with my professor during office hours. I let him know I am having serious problems. I also let him know I will be talking to a doctor about my difficulties. He was sympathetic. I think he knows or believes I am not only trying but that I am interested in the material. Or, he is just easy going. Not that easy going, his tests are solid. He has a way of including a lot of material on his tests, and he tests much of what he covers in spite of the speed and volume. Still, that is one thing tended, and one thing needing to be tended. I am continuing to study, for what good it does (there is some good, it just does not feel like it).
Tomorrow will be the deal. Either I will find that the medicine no longer works or that I may continue trying to get ahead but more, begin taking necessary medicine again to lower my blood pressure. What seems lost in all this is the fact that while the V.A. fiddles, my health, not just my life, declines. How long before the high blood pressure does irreparable damage (pick an organ, all are subject to failure, including skin!). I only hope that I am right about what they offer being a placebo. I will find out soon. More stress, if short term. The added benefit, if it does work, is a more full life. Either way, it has been a wonderful year and a half look at nearly normal living. I will never regret it, whatever happens from here on. If I find that I was receiving placebo, however, I am going to be outraged. I will see what I can do about making the doctor’s life a living hell. Liars in some regards are lower than even thieves. In some ways, if this is true, he was both.
Still, if this works, I will need to regain my sea legs quickly. Just to catch up in studies in order to test will be a bit of a feat as I see it. Though I have been studying, it has been a blind study, a study of rote. I will need to actualize a lot of material beyond the rote. I think I can do it but not without a huge push and many man hours and while I am becoming familiar with wakefulness and function. It is not too unlike trying to walk on legs which have fallen asleep. Oh yes, I am nervous if hopeful. So much stress, the election process only adds to it. If Obama is elected or congress goes Democrat, there is little reason to try as I see it. It will mean private ownership (property rights) and any hopes of breaking through economic barriers are both at an end. It will be the enshrinement of the peasant class, by force if necessary. Heck, McCain is not much better, at least without a conservative congress to keep his liberalism at bay, to keep his secular “better angel” notions in check, to keep our borders secure, and to keep his socialism away from the budget. Fat chance. We will see soon enough.
In any event, my causa pro vita is merely to see if this works, if it works to do my tasks and attempt to regain health (to the end of hopefully getting off all medications, at the right time), and to plan for everything else after that as it comes. And, immediately, to be thankful that I did not oversleep, so far, my chance to take that next step sooner rather than later. Oh, yes, dear ones, I am sweating blood. May it cleanse my body and soul of sour fear, dreadful confusion, and seething rage.
.
I awoke a bit ago and started moving around. Then it hit me. What DAY is this! Did I miss my test, my doctors appointment, what day! I rushed to a device that would give me the truth. With a little relief, my system began to relax. You cannot imagine the horrors of this. In periods where timing is crucial, not being able to trust one’s ability to wake on time or sleep less than a day, stress levels can rise in the extreme. Still, I know I will need another sleep period between now and my appointment, so the dread has not completely dissipated.
On the up side, I will be seeing my doctor soon. As well, I have spoken with my professor during office hours. I let him know I am having serious problems. I also let him know I will be talking to a doctor about my difficulties. He was sympathetic. I think he knows or believes I am not only trying but that I am interested in the material. Or, he is just easy going. Not that easy going, his tests are solid. He has a way of including a lot of material on his tests, and he tests much of what he covers in spite of the speed and volume. Still, that is one thing tended, and one thing needing to be tended. I am continuing to study, for what good it does (there is some good, it just does not feel like it).
Tomorrow will be the deal. Either I will find that the medicine no longer works or that I may continue trying to get ahead but more, begin taking necessary medicine again to lower my blood pressure. What seems lost in all this is the fact that while the V.A. fiddles, my health, not just my life, declines. How long before the high blood pressure does irreparable damage (pick an organ, all are subject to failure, including skin!). I only hope that I am right about what they offer being a placebo. I will find out soon. More stress, if short term. The added benefit, if it does work, is a more full life. Either way, it has been a wonderful year and a half look at nearly normal living. I will never regret it, whatever happens from here on. If I find that I was receiving placebo, however, I am going to be outraged. I will see what I can do about making the doctor’s life a living hell. Liars in some regards are lower than even thieves. In some ways, if this is true, he was both.
Still, if this works, I will need to regain my sea legs quickly. Just to catch up in studies in order to test will be a bit of a feat as I see it. Though I have been studying, it has been a blind study, a study of rote. I will need to actualize a lot of material beyond the rote. I think I can do it but not without a huge push and many man hours and while I am becoming familiar with wakefulness and function. It is not too unlike trying to walk on legs which have fallen asleep. Oh yes, I am nervous if hopeful. So much stress, the election process only adds to it. If Obama is elected or congress goes Democrat, there is little reason to try as I see it. It will mean private ownership (property rights) and any hopes of breaking through economic barriers are both at an end. It will be the enshrinement of the peasant class, by force if necessary. Heck, McCain is not much better, at least without a conservative congress to keep his liberalism at bay, to keep his secular “better angel” notions in check, to keep our borders secure, and to keep his socialism away from the budget. Fat chance. We will see soon enough.
In any event, my causa pro vita is merely to see if this works, if it works to do my tasks and attempt to regain health (to the end of hopefully getting off all medications, at the right time), and to plan for everything else after that as it comes. And, immediately, to be thankful that I did not oversleep, so far, my chance to take that next step sooner rather than later. Oh, yes, dear ones, I am sweating blood. May it cleanse my body and soul of sour fear, dreadful confusion, and seething rage.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Troubles…
.
.
I can neither sleep well, or long, or I simply sleep so hard the alarm clocks are irrelevant and I sleep for a day or two. In any case, I am living in a zombie like state. I have looked at the material but I am so exhausted most of the time I might as well be trying to decipher the material from a book about it written in a foreign language. It was like this with physics but that material was both a little more familiar and slightly easier at the level of the course I am taking. I am in a real fix. I will continue to do what I can, when I can, but this is not looking good. I am considering a medical delay option, depending on how things go with the doctor. He would have to sign off on it and I do not know that he will.
Something else, I seem to be writing poorly. I have received some requests for clarification regarding cheating at school. First off, let me say that this is a journal. College is the enemy, in a way. It is the giant and I am the little guy. Of course I am going to have thoughts of oppression and such, it is the way of it. As a fact, every undergraduate and graduate student and professor I know still suffers through such from time to time. But there is more.
I do believe there is a lot of cheating going on. It seems to be, to a minor extent, the way of all systems. Overt favoritism to discrete dalliances, any human system is flawed. As well, with cheating having become a, seemingly, socially acceptable means of advancement, why would that change because one enters higher education? And, professors often have to develop much more complicated tests to hinder cheating. This change puts those who do not cheat at a distinct disadvantage. As well, some of what I consider cheating may not be such. Learning how to program some of the calculators we use, for instance, is not actually cheating. However, if someone does that and then passes it around, it begins to fringe on cheating.
Do I trust the two professors I have in classes now? Yes, actually. Both seem to offer the material in a fairly straightforward manner, with probability and statistics being a little less so. That less straightforward manner of bringing the material out, however, has more to do with the nature of the material than any choice of the professor to hide or cloud the issue. I have found the professor I have spoken with about the material relatively open to discussion and helpful in the matters. I have seen no real reason to not trust them. The strange bell curves are going to exist in once class because of people like me. The other class, however, does cause some questions, but this does not mean the professor is directly a part of that.
As well, and of course, engineering school is meant to test, not teach, it seems. The goal is to not fail, in spite of failing. We needed a 3.0 or higher to be accepted and our grades are allowed to drop to a 2.0 by our first year, then they need to advance to a 2.2 by sophomore level. I cannot remember after that. And, the average student does exactly that. I would say more than that kind of drop will happen, as many quit and many go on academic probation. By the end of it, half of all engineering students (at least, I think there is some fudging here) drop out of school. The fudging may be that, though half drop out of school, even more change majors. In any case, engineering school is meant to be difficult, brutal in fact. And though as I said, I do not believe we are learning so much as being tested, we are being tested on materials we will likely see when we find an employer who will then teach us what we are to do. My frustration is with the difficulty of fairly attaining a high enough grade to go on to graduate school. Perhaps this is not as much of a problem as I now see it, as testing well for graduate school, among other options, may also open graduate school, but grades looms large right now.
Yes, this is a journal of the frustrations of the process. So, I will not claim to be correct, I do not say that I am being oppressed personally in truth, I do complain and suspect here. What I will do is complain, fantasize, and bark at some hollow blue moon. And, I will enjoy doing so. I try to do it here rather in the real world to other students, as it does no good. But doing it here gets it off my mind and sets it away from me. So, there you go. I hope that clarifies the thing. Now, please, if you would get off my cranky cloud number 9 so that I may resume my vitriol, thank you.
.
I can neither sleep well, or long, or I simply sleep so hard the alarm clocks are irrelevant and I sleep for a day or two. In any case, I am living in a zombie like state. I have looked at the material but I am so exhausted most of the time I might as well be trying to decipher the material from a book about it written in a foreign language. It was like this with physics but that material was both a little more familiar and slightly easier at the level of the course I am taking. I am in a real fix. I will continue to do what I can, when I can, but this is not looking good. I am considering a medical delay option, depending on how things go with the doctor. He would have to sign off on it and I do not know that he will.
Something else, I seem to be writing poorly. I have received some requests for clarification regarding cheating at school. First off, let me say that this is a journal. College is the enemy, in a way. It is the giant and I am the little guy. Of course I am going to have thoughts of oppression and such, it is the way of it. As a fact, every undergraduate and graduate student and professor I know still suffers through such from time to time. But there is more.
I do believe there is a lot of cheating going on. It seems to be, to a minor extent, the way of all systems. Overt favoritism to discrete dalliances, any human system is flawed. As well, with cheating having become a, seemingly, socially acceptable means of advancement, why would that change because one enters higher education? And, professors often have to develop much more complicated tests to hinder cheating. This change puts those who do not cheat at a distinct disadvantage. As well, some of what I consider cheating may not be such. Learning how to program some of the calculators we use, for instance, is not actually cheating. However, if someone does that and then passes it around, it begins to fringe on cheating.
Do I trust the two professors I have in classes now? Yes, actually. Both seem to offer the material in a fairly straightforward manner, with probability and statistics being a little less so. That less straightforward manner of bringing the material out, however, has more to do with the nature of the material than any choice of the professor to hide or cloud the issue. I have found the professor I have spoken with about the material relatively open to discussion and helpful in the matters. I have seen no real reason to not trust them. The strange bell curves are going to exist in once class because of people like me. The other class, however, does cause some questions, but this does not mean the professor is directly a part of that.
As well, and of course, engineering school is meant to test, not teach, it seems. The goal is to not fail, in spite of failing. We needed a 3.0 or higher to be accepted and our grades are allowed to drop to a 2.0 by our first year, then they need to advance to a 2.2 by sophomore level. I cannot remember after that. And, the average student does exactly that. I would say more than that kind of drop will happen, as many quit and many go on academic probation. By the end of it, half of all engineering students (at least, I think there is some fudging here) drop out of school. The fudging may be that, though half drop out of school, even more change majors. In any case, engineering school is meant to be difficult, brutal in fact. And though as I said, I do not believe we are learning so much as being tested, we are being tested on materials we will likely see when we find an employer who will then teach us what we are to do. My frustration is with the difficulty of fairly attaining a high enough grade to go on to graduate school. Perhaps this is not as much of a problem as I now see it, as testing well for graduate school, among other options, may also open graduate school, but grades looms large right now.
Yes, this is a journal of the frustrations of the process. So, I will not claim to be correct, I do not say that I am being oppressed personally in truth, I do complain and suspect here. What I will do is complain, fantasize, and bark at some hollow blue moon. And, I will enjoy doing so. I try to do it here rather in the real world to other students, as it does no good. But doing it here gets it off my mind and sets it away from me. So, there you go. I hope that clarifies the thing. Now, please, if you would get off my cranky cloud number 9 so that I may resume my vitriol, thank you.
The simple truth.
.
.
I expect Obama will become the next president. As well, I do believe the Democrats will rest control of congress. Regardless of whether I believe this election is legitimate, I do believe this eventuality was foreseen and inevitable. This would have happened earlier, but our first communist was beset on two fronts. The first front was age and disease, the other front was a Republican congress. What this means, to me, is beyond mere words. It means I am no longer a state sponsored free man. When Hitler took office, when Lenin took over, when the Eastern Bloc puppets were placed in power, this is what it looked like. It will take a few years for the Constitution to be subverted, but it will happen. It will start slowly, and sometimes very brown-shirt like. Thugs will attack those in the media who disagree with what is being done. Our media has shown it is willing to be a slave, with few exceptions. After that is cared for, bloggers will be shut down, one way or another. Then the “legal” methods of disenfranchisement will begin. Firearms will become illegal. Elections will be set. Freedoms will be curtailed with, of course, some room for overt corruption as a means of making everyone culpable in being an outlaw. Beyond, with the Feds having a vested interest in all major banks now and with their forces mustered to control Wall Street, various levels of centralized economic planning will begin. Woe be to those who wish to be independent thinkers and actors, even innocently. This time, we will not be saved from our oppressor by age, disease, or Republican resistance.
It, hopefully, will take some time for the implementation of full blown socialism and communism. There is some time to plan, if no real hope for real escape as there is nowhere in the world to go. The planning has begun, in my mind, in means of maintaining as much freedom and life as is possible for as long as possible. I must guess that, if bloggers existed pre-Hitler and pre-Stalin, historians might have saved some blogs much as this one. Though, given historians near wholesale sell out of history, this material would be archived and kept from public edification, if too they would be kept from the powers that be so as to keep historian’s little indulgences into non-group think for their own perverse pleasure. Time is not our friend nor, it seems, is the Republic. Though I hope Americans and the Republic will choose to save itself, I do not see great hope in that. So, it comes down to us. Those of us who know better had best start considering our options, for they are few and time sensitive.
What am I going to do? I do not know, not for sure. I do have a few ideas. I have changed these a bit, due to my previous and public considerations. I, most likely, have as many enemies reading this blog as I have friends. Beyond, even if all you all where friends, thugs have a means of attaining information that goes beyond the typical man’s capacity to refuse the giving of information. I have some equipment and I will be garnering more as I complete my plans to head out. I must admit, I do not plan to go live in the bushes, I merely mean to relocate and lie low. I plan to live in a place where questions are less likely to be asked. I also plan to begin collecting things which should be saved, bibles, the constitution, the bill of rights, and other collections of wisdom. I would consider saving sciences, however, I think those are fairly safe, if their conclusions may become controlled. Then again, that to some degree is already the case.
After the election, I will know for sure. My plans are nearly set, yet I wait to ensure that the end of the Republic is at hand. Once I watch it die, I will begin completing my plans and then begin implementing them. A fire give-away, some drastic choices, a move, and then a settling in. The settling in will include a network of information gathering, a beginning of new friendships and alliances, and finding ways of living quietly and somewhat secretly. I am too old to really fight, and beside I am unsure any such fight would be fruitful. Though I believe large groups being obliterated in warfare against an overbearing state, time and again, would eventually have some real affect, I fear that such a thing would eventually merely turn to terrorism which I do not abide, which methods I do not believe are right serving, and which beyond that I do not believe will work in the end.
And, yes, that is how I see it. Many of you cannot move and believe you will not need to move or hide or change. Most of you speak your mind, whether left or right. As such, I assure you, you will be subdued. You will be pushed. If you are on-line, you have some wealth and education. Both of those also go against you. Do what you wish and believe what you must. Your hope in man, if it exists, will soon be extinguished. My hope is with you, but my surety is not.
.
I expect Obama will become the next president. As well, I do believe the Democrats will rest control of congress. Regardless of whether I believe this election is legitimate, I do believe this eventuality was foreseen and inevitable. This would have happened earlier, but our first communist was beset on two fronts. The first front was age and disease, the other front was a Republican congress. What this means, to me, is beyond mere words. It means I am no longer a state sponsored free man. When Hitler took office, when Lenin took over, when the Eastern Bloc puppets were placed in power, this is what it looked like. It will take a few years for the Constitution to be subverted, but it will happen. It will start slowly, and sometimes very brown-shirt like. Thugs will attack those in the media who disagree with what is being done. Our media has shown it is willing to be a slave, with few exceptions. After that is cared for, bloggers will be shut down, one way or another. Then the “legal” methods of disenfranchisement will begin. Firearms will become illegal. Elections will be set. Freedoms will be curtailed with, of course, some room for overt corruption as a means of making everyone culpable in being an outlaw. Beyond, with the Feds having a vested interest in all major banks now and with their forces mustered to control Wall Street, various levels of centralized economic planning will begin. Woe be to those who wish to be independent thinkers and actors, even innocently. This time, we will not be saved from our oppressor by age, disease, or Republican resistance.
It, hopefully, will take some time for the implementation of full blown socialism and communism. There is some time to plan, if no real hope for real escape as there is nowhere in the world to go. The planning has begun, in my mind, in means of maintaining as much freedom and life as is possible for as long as possible. I must guess that, if bloggers existed pre-Hitler and pre-Stalin, historians might have saved some blogs much as this one. Though, given historians near wholesale sell out of history, this material would be archived and kept from public edification, if too they would be kept from the powers that be so as to keep historian’s little indulgences into non-group think for their own perverse pleasure. Time is not our friend nor, it seems, is the Republic. Though I hope Americans and the Republic will choose to save itself, I do not see great hope in that. So, it comes down to us. Those of us who know better had best start considering our options, for they are few and time sensitive.
What am I going to do? I do not know, not for sure. I do have a few ideas. I have changed these a bit, due to my previous and public considerations. I, most likely, have as many enemies reading this blog as I have friends. Beyond, even if all you all where friends, thugs have a means of attaining information that goes beyond the typical man’s capacity to refuse the giving of information. I have some equipment and I will be garnering more as I complete my plans to head out. I must admit, I do not plan to go live in the bushes, I merely mean to relocate and lie low. I plan to live in a place where questions are less likely to be asked. I also plan to begin collecting things which should be saved, bibles, the constitution, the bill of rights, and other collections of wisdom. I would consider saving sciences, however, I think those are fairly safe, if their conclusions may become controlled. Then again, that to some degree is already the case.
After the election, I will know for sure. My plans are nearly set, yet I wait to ensure that the end of the Republic is at hand. Once I watch it die, I will begin completing my plans and then begin implementing them. A fire give-away, some drastic choices, a move, and then a settling in. The settling in will include a network of information gathering, a beginning of new friendships and alliances, and finding ways of living quietly and somewhat secretly. I am too old to really fight, and beside I am unsure any such fight would be fruitful. Though I believe large groups being obliterated in warfare against an overbearing state, time and again, would eventually have some real affect, I fear that such a thing would eventually merely turn to terrorism which I do not abide, which methods I do not believe are right serving, and which beyond that I do not believe will work in the end.
And, yes, that is how I see it. Many of you cannot move and believe you will not need to move or hide or change. Most of you speak your mind, whether left or right. As such, I assure you, you will be subdued. You will be pushed. If you are on-line, you have some wealth and education. Both of those also go against you. Do what you wish and believe what you must. Your hope in man, if it exists, will soon be extinguished. My hope is with you, but my surety is not.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
A run in with the police and some thoughts on politics.
.
.
My run in with the police should not have been a problem. For my part, my headlights were not on and it was night. When I go through a fast-food drive-through I switch from headlights to running lights as a courtesy to other drivers in line. I had done this and then forgotten to turn the headlights back on. I get received my food then drove out of the frontage road area and pulled onto a busy thoroughfare, ignorant of my situation. All of a sudden I see flashing lights and I pull to the inner lane (which is also the turn lane) to allow him through, but he pulls into my lane so I begin looking for a reasonable place to pull over and park and spot a parking lot. So, I get set to pull off the busy road and get to a parking lot. He starts yelling out of his vehicle and aims his spotlight on my side rearview mirror and puts on his siren as I am making the turn and orders me to stop. I got a little hot, so I stop, mid-turn, on a busy intersection, and get out.
Yeah, it could have gotten hairy. It did not. He cools his jets a bit, asks me to get back in my vehicle, and comes up to talk. He is still very rude, demands my particulars (drivers license, registration, and proof of insurance). I still do not know, at this point, why I am being pulled over! And yes, I am still a bit miffed. He returns to his vehicle to run everything. As he is leaving, he suggests this is about me not having my headlights on and that while I slowed to turn, he thought I had stopped and had gotten out of his vehicle (I had not seen him do this), he said something else but I did not hear it (just that it did not sound smart). When he returned his attitude was gone. He has a warning ticket but he is also very apologetic about his behavior. He also suggests I not leave the vehicle in such situations (which even I know and follow given rational situations). He actually and literally apologized. I accept the apology and decide not to speak with his boss, after he explained his side of it to me.
Though still a bit put out, it is more left-over adrenaline from the encounter. No harm, no foul, if I think something is just a misunderstanding. He had indicated that they (officers) can never tell in these situations, given his side of things and my exiting the vehicle, if he is dealing with an anti-cop, someone on something, or what. And, yeah, I see that. As well, I think he finally understood that not only was I cool, I was legitimate. I wanted to tell him that I respect law enforcement, the job it does, the restraint officers usually show, and such, but I just thanked him for his service. Too much is too much. The more I think of his words, the more I hate academia, actually. With people like Ayers running the show, supporting hate and vitriol against both military and police, I have no misunderstanding of why the culture wars are so hot that situations like this happen. As a vet., I feel it every day here. It must be much more so the officers.
In another vein, I keep hearing that McCain might really win and yet that the Democrats are set to take over congress and very possibly in a bullet-proof manner. One of these has to be ridiculous, or the elections are rigged. Those who vote for McCain would not vote for Democratic congressmen. If McCain is elected and the Democrats get their congress, it will mean the votes are counted like the census… according to “statistics”* but with the allowance of a RINO president. Though I think that will not happen. I do not care if everyone voted for McCain, he will lose. This election has already been stolen, most likely. Any other outcome will mean the Republic aspect of this nation is still intact enough to split the thing. Call me a doubting Thomas if you must, it is what I believe. As for my part, I will not vote. I will not lend legitimacy to a broken false system. Until they clean out the election junk, clean out the Republican Party, and get straight, I am out of the process. Not that you care, but now you know.
*see academia, to and maybe especially include “statisticians”, rant above
.
My run in with the police should not have been a problem. For my part, my headlights were not on and it was night. When I go through a fast-food drive-through I switch from headlights to running lights as a courtesy to other drivers in line. I had done this and then forgotten to turn the headlights back on. I get received my food then drove out of the frontage road area and pulled onto a busy thoroughfare, ignorant of my situation. All of a sudden I see flashing lights and I pull to the inner lane (which is also the turn lane) to allow him through, but he pulls into my lane so I begin looking for a reasonable place to pull over and park and spot a parking lot. So, I get set to pull off the busy road and get to a parking lot. He starts yelling out of his vehicle and aims his spotlight on my side rearview mirror and puts on his siren as I am making the turn and orders me to stop. I got a little hot, so I stop, mid-turn, on a busy intersection, and get out.
Yeah, it could have gotten hairy. It did not. He cools his jets a bit, asks me to get back in my vehicle, and comes up to talk. He is still very rude, demands my particulars (drivers license, registration, and proof of insurance). I still do not know, at this point, why I am being pulled over! And yes, I am still a bit miffed. He returns to his vehicle to run everything. As he is leaving, he suggests this is about me not having my headlights on and that while I slowed to turn, he thought I had stopped and had gotten out of his vehicle (I had not seen him do this), he said something else but I did not hear it (just that it did not sound smart). When he returned his attitude was gone. He has a warning ticket but he is also very apologetic about his behavior. He also suggests I not leave the vehicle in such situations (which even I know and follow given rational situations). He actually and literally apologized. I accept the apology and decide not to speak with his boss, after he explained his side of it to me.
Though still a bit put out, it is more left-over adrenaline from the encounter. No harm, no foul, if I think something is just a misunderstanding. He had indicated that they (officers) can never tell in these situations, given his side of things and my exiting the vehicle, if he is dealing with an anti-cop, someone on something, or what. And, yeah, I see that. As well, I think he finally understood that not only was I cool, I was legitimate. I wanted to tell him that I respect law enforcement, the job it does, the restraint officers usually show, and such, but I just thanked him for his service. Too much is too much. The more I think of his words, the more I hate academia, actually. With people like Ayers running the show, supporting hate and vitriol against both military and police, I have no misunderstanding of why the culture wars are so hot that situations like this happen. As a vet., I feel it every day here. It must be much more so the officers.
In another vein, I keep hearing that McCain might really win and yet that the Democrats are set to take over congress and very possibly in a bullet-proof manner. One of these has to be ridiculous, or the elections are rigged. Those who vote for McCain would not vote for Democratic congressmen. If McCain is elected and the Democrats get their congress, it will mean the votes are counted like the census… according to “statistics”* but with the allowance of a RINO president. Though I think that will not happen. I do not care if everyone voted for McCain, he will lose. This election has already been stolen, most likely. Any other outcome will mean the Republic aspect of this nation is still intact enough to split the thing. Call me a doubting Thomas if you must, it is what I believe. As for my part, I will not vote. I will not lend legitimacy to a broken false system. Until they clean out the election junk, clean out the Republican Party, and get straight, I am out of the process. Not that you care, but now you know.
*see academia, to and maybe especially include “statisticians”, rant above
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