The Doctor.

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The visit, according to my goals, was successful. My new doctor had no difficulty prescribing the medication. I have yet to see, for sure, if it works. My blood pressure, as expected, was high. It was 178/120. I ought to check my blood sugar, glucose, whatever, today too. He suggested I start the rest of my medication immediately and he has set up an appointment for next week to see if my blood pressure is falling. Thankfully, that will be after pay day and I will be able to pay for the visit. The visit and the medicine were a bit of an expense. And, I will need to see him every month in order to fill this prescription. If it works, it will be worth it.

He did indicate, and rather strongly, that the doctor at the V.A. probably had nothing to do with the failing of the medication. He said that such an event would demand the collusion of the pharmacy, and would risk the pharmaceutical practitioner’s license. He suggested that the real root of the problem, and something I have considered, was that the manufacturer changed the formulation. Being a generic, the rules of production are looser, so that how the medicine works can be altered without warning or consequences, so long as certain aspects of the medicine's chemistry remain the same. I have considered non-generic, however, I am unsure as to my ability to pay and the efficacy of such in any case. What this means is that, even if this other prescription works, it is probably simply a matter of time before it too is changed. Given my inability to pay, the uncertainty of any medication, and the rest of it, this means that this is probably the last term of college I will take. It is quite harsh to be in the middle of something and then to suddenly become completely disabled again.

As for my part, I will do what I can to salvage this term. I will not be returning for next term. I will be looking for a place to move until my lease is up or until I can find a means of getting out of my lease by finding a renter my landlord would accept. I had thought to try and store my household goods and personal belongings, but that is quite a task to do solo. It would be a great deal of effort to move it all out of here and then move it all into my new place while also being a great weight, in several ways, holding me down wherever I might end up. So, I will begin liquidating the goods. Books, weights, furniture, all must go. I will pare it down to a basic set of clothing, my outdoor gear, firearms, and few other items. I will get it down to fit in my vehicle both by bulk and weight. At which point, I may begin trying to find a place to move.

Short or long term, a smaller town almost anywhere, which is very affordable, is what I will do, simply to be on my way. Longer term, hopefully, I will find a place in the mountains or foothills with those same qualities. I suppose, once I begin my migration, my health will have to take care of itself. My doctor indicated that there are things worse than death, and looked at me questioningly. I knew the answer he was looking for, a stroke and partial paralyzation. What he did not count on is that, since I live alone, that would be death. It might take two or three days, but it would be death. If it would not be comfortable, it would be sure. I have no one who checks on me and those who do call are used to me being “absent” for periods of days, weeks, even months. Still, it would be good to find some small town in a place I like, attempt to find medical attention if that works for as long as it works, and just enjoy what of my life I may and when I may enjoy it.

It is a bitter pill to swallow, but it is what I have. I know I have done everything in my power to do succeed. And though I have failed, I have had some good moments, I was able to see some semblance of normalcy for a bit, and I have had some successes. Further, I do have some interests left to pursue. There are things I have never done which I will be able to do. I am sure there are people to be befriended, a church which I still feel at home in when I am able to attend, and a wilderness yet to explore. Life is not over, but the shades have been drawn on my hopes of becoming a professional and leaving disability behind. Everyone nears this time, some pass through and find other things in life. I can hope for that part now.

Now to see if I can get through this semester though. I just hate quitting a battle even if the war is over. And, it would be good to leave with another success under my belt.