Days back to days?

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I never can tell if what seems to be happening is what is happening.  I am awake and it is nearly 19:00.  My days and nights could flip at a moments notice.  It's is a treacherous world, more than for most, in which I attempt to gain purchases or advantage, or even mild contracts of will.  Still, every time I can bring myself to focus to remember, I go that way.  It might be the way of pain.  It is the only way I know.  Screw the notion of it being bracing, or a challenge, or such.  It is, sometimes, simply a duty to which I have sworn myself.  I won't complain.  I have seen what happens when folk surrender.  I'll keep at it.  Even if I don't, can't, always know what the score is, or even what the game, or rules, or anything is.

I did complete the rice, and put it up.  The eggs where peeled and put up.  And the beans have been soaking for a goodly bit.  I may actually reset those to a fresh soak.  I ought to pull some hamburger from the freezer as well.  Hamburger is lambasted as poor man's food, but only in these times of luxury can we say that.  Take away electricity and you will see how valuable it is.  A luxury item, at one time, now a basic food item.  I may or may not do a pot of lentils tomorrow.  Those do well with the others and on their own.

I called my friend and let him know that, when the seafood arrives, if he does the other parts I would bring some buy to share out.  It is better to share, by far.  As I've told my friend, I have been well gifted by many, even the many.  I won't say I deserve it, only that when I have needed I have had what I needed, and sometimes what I wanted.  I am merely a student in the area, practicing what I was taught.  I remember my mother, today, suggesting her mother had taught her much.  She was talking about cooking, specifically.  Though I know more was taught.  And it's funny, as I was thinking, several times lately, of how much she has taught me.  More along the lines I am writing here, though cooking too.  I forgot to tell her.  I will.  She should know she is appreciated while I can tell her.

Tired, but not too tired.  Yesterday was quite good.  I won't be doing much tomorrow.  A bit of cleaning, cooking the beans, maybe some other cooking, and a shower.  Monday I might try to get out again.  Just a trip to the sand pit for some plinking.  A box of .45's, maybe a box of 9 mm.  I'd love to get the .22s out, but I just haven't reached the number of reserves I feel comfortable with, so as to shoot more.  Perhaps another few thousand?  I ought to check my reserves.  To be honest, if it all goes downhill and fast, .22 is the round I expect to be using the most.  At least over the long haul.  Assuming survival.  But when haven't I been so "lucky"?

Forgive if I am a bit forgetful.  I know there was something I was supposed to do here on the blog.  Well, and several things I meant to do in the cave too.  I'll keep at it.  Eventually I will be less far behind.

Good night.

Spring is so temperamental.

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Being temperamental isn't all bad.  Adds variety.  The high today, so far, has only been 40.  Or, from what I have seen.  That number is dropping.  It has been cloudy and is beginning to sprinkle, perhaps more a light rain given that everything is actually wet.  It was good that I got out yesterday.  I suppose I can handle cold and rain, but only just so much.  While I do well in winter, rain with that sort of cool can be a bit harsh.  Still, it is a good day, if nothing else to enjoy the indoors.  If I heal even more, I suspect days like today, at least on my own, will be doable.

I called my mother.  They were supposed to have a good day.  It is ending up more like what my weather is like.  Spring has, mostly, sprung for her as well.  It's just that spring is as I described.  She sounded good, even cheery.

I hope to begin getting things sorted.  As I may have mentioned, the beef won't be ready until May.  As I have tended all other money issues, and am doing just fine, I ordered ducks and fish.  Not daily items, too expensive.  Yet definitely not from China.  Don't tell me fish that are packaged from china were caught in US waters.  Just don't.  They wouldn't send them all that way, then back.  And, even if they did for some reason, who knows how much Chinese fishery fish would have been added in.  Trust me, you don't want to go there.  You can order fish from US fisheries, and fresh frozen or even fresh.  It will just cost.  I would like to go to fish, or more meatless in the traditional sense, Fridays.  It's not a requirement anymore.  Still, I like the reasons surrounding the notion.  Since I can't always get out and celebrate the Mass and all, I can still attempt to do what is more right and traditional here at home.

I'd like to work on a few more things.  Finish the dishes, clean the bathroom, begin more in depth on the kitchen... if it doesn't look like I have started, I have.  You just had to compare and contrast the present with the near past.  Better, if slightly, though much more needs to be done.  Oh, and to begin tearing down boxes while I am at it.  Those could go in Monday, maybe.  I am sort of stuck in my gaming.  The addition content for Dark Souls 2...  I've completed some of the bosses, others just have me hung up.  I have finished all of the bosses and content in the original game.  I'm trying to finish the add content first, before trying the game at game plus level, or more.  Bleh.  I may just leave it though, move on to the next game.  I am pretty sure the game just requires your character to die enough before allowing you to win.  Yeah, I think it is rigged.

Later.

Oh, I am back to doing this and that with food.  A dozen and an half eggs boiled.  They are cooling and about to be peeled.  As well, a couple of cups of rice have been set to cook.  I may do a batch of beans while I am at it.  Next month I will order a medium term supply of quinoa.  Sometime this summer I will order another batch, and see how long it stores.  I didn't like the Idaho seed, I never was able to get it to cook right.  Either it is much pickier, or just a lot different than any other type of quinoa I have tried.  I really wanted to make it work, it was a good deal less expensive.  Oh well.

There were times, there are notions, if no more.

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Most never set out to be what they become.  Most do not know what they are.  One can become trapped by one's nature.  Then one must do what is required.  If want, or even need, exists beyond what can be obtained freely, deals must be brokered.  I have sold almost everything I have, at one point or another.  To a woman, to the crowd, to the state.  These things are done, but remembered.  Lessons were learned.  Freedom?  I realized that is a choice, not a time, allowance, something that can be bought bartered or given.  Just... thinking.

A bit of a day yesterday.

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The package I needed to return was ready, so it went.  A number of items I meant to send along to my friend finally were bundled and taken as well.  Odd how such things work out.  His little nonstick frypan had stopped doing it's function, so the one I offered was welcome.  He asked if it was functionally nonstick.  I assured him it was.  Had to laugh, even if it was a fair question.  While the old saying suggests to not look into the mouth of a gift horse, I have always denied the saying as folly.  I grant that it is wise to do exactly so.  I honestly think either the saying was messed up in time, or the twist of humor it was spoken together with was lost.  Especially if it was based on Troy, the destruction of which came about from not looking into the mouth of a gift horse, or thereabouts if not exactly.

On to town.  I thought I'd be heading in and arriving by 11:00.  As is I was an hour late.  Sometimes I get a bit lost in the hereafter.  I go to do something, forget what I was here after, then go on to something else I forget.  Or remember, but too many hereafters!  I'm not a draft dodger, coach, I'm just not always able to focus on what I am doing and the world is a big target in summation.  Get there, however, I did.  After a bit of talk, a meal.  I keep having the spicy italian omelet, or something like that.  With rye toast.  I just found out they make sourdough.  So, next time, I told my friend I might have sourdough toast!  Not yesterday though, I need to be prepared for change.  :p  Yeah, I might become predictable at times, fall into a rut of long standing order.  Or I might just get up and walk into the future, or past.  You never know with my kind.  Don't necessarily believe, just don't disbelieve.  Let it be.

Then on up into the mountains.  A trip to see about finding a small hike.  The path, on the far side, is still rather snowy and icy, along the river.  This side, however, had a place for a minor walk.  And the day was as perfect as a spring day gets.  It was in the mid 50's to low 60's.  The sun was shining but not blazing.  There was just a touch of river breeze, as I would call it.  Maybe not of the river, but following it.  Light enough not to leave a mark or require a jacket.  A slow pace and a thousand yards, perhaps.  A good start for hiking season.  I always think I can just do lots.  And while I can, I might shoot my foot and disable myself.  Working up to it more slowly and humbly might be the way.  After that, a bit more of a drive, just for good measure on such a fine day.

A bit more talking, then it was getting time to go.  In the vehicle, before heading back, I saw that it wasn't too late.  I hope.  So I called about the beef.  It turns out that it won't be ready until, perhaps, May.  Cool.  And, probably, it shouldn't be too much of a price problem, even if it dropped today.  Good.  So... all I have to do is keep what I have in the account, and add bits to it until then, so as to have no issue with costs.  Finances are back in order.  Hmm, I may see about paying the mortgage for this month, on time.  Then again, I have it set for next month.  Messing with it might be a problem.  Yeah, I'll just leave it.  Ugh.  Now can I have some rest?  Well... after I figure out medicine.  Bleh.

Yes, I am just waking.  My day is shifting back to daylight, just in fits and starts.  Later.

Pans.

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A strange topic for the middle of the night by a second or third rate hack who uses other people's work to convey his ideas.  Still, it is what is on my mind.

I have experimented with various cook ware since I started learning to cook.  I only cook because I like to eat.  I am limited in cooking by cleaning.  If that weren't so much of an issue, I would cook much more often.  I suppose it is more than simply cleaning after cooking, but also other inconveniences.  If food burns on, that will slow the cleaning process, or hold up the process until a replacement may be found, if the burn was too serious.  One of the things that helps with getting to cooking is having cooking kit that works well, is less likely to become a mess, and has other features.

For skillets or frying pans, I have tried stainless of several types, with and without a nonstick coating, cast iron, and various small pots, saucier/sauce/saute pans/pots, of various quality and price ranges.  Looking for perfection?  Well... yes and no.  Curiosity as well as efficiency drive my exploration of this and many topics.  Curiosity killed the cat, satisfaction brought it back.  *blink*  I should know.  The newest skillet to have arrested the attention of my curiosity is the carbon steel skillet.  It is said to be much as cast iron, but lighter.  Now I don't need lighter, but women prefer it.  Am I actually planning on a woman?  Well... much as with finding perfection in pans, yes and... well... no.  The idea is kept open, but that isn't the whole of the story.

In part, for me currently, a lighter pan isn't because of ease of use so much as having a glass cooktop.  While I, so far, have done quite well in not cracking that, it would be quite easy to do.  Much easier with such a heavy pan as a foot diameter cast iron skillet.  The tortilla placket is light enough, but the skillet, especially when filled with a meat sauce, is quite a load.  As well, simple curiosity.  I still have all the types I discussed.  Though I might be giving the littlest nonstick away.  A fine pan, just too small for my needs.  Now that I found the All-Clad nonstick in ten inch size, the eight inch can be sent to a good new home.  I may know where that can go.

I'll need to purchase flax-seed oil.  Several, otherwise conflicting, seasoning tips suggest this oil.  Tomorrow.  The pan should be in Monday.  I'll, eventually, do a review.  Probably.

No bad dreams.

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I am a bit surprised.  As with migraines, I often sense the onset of bad dreams.  That sense isn't 100%, so it's all fair.  Though, perhaps, prayer helped.  Of all the things I doubt, the potential in prayer is not one of them.

I did dream.  An argument with what seems to have been my wife.  Not a heated one, just... a settling of some points.  We never did settle.  Lightly intoned quips.  Not a shouting match but undeniably, if overheard, a lack of agreement.  Later, one of the ladies from town, who was visiting for some reason or other while the wife was out... probably waiting for her... had become privy to the debate.  While the wife was gone she decided to banter, in lieu of the wife and on her side.  I would not recant, take it up a notch, or let it go.  Circles.  Such things to not anger me.  I am usually laughing on the inside, and play the discussion to my humor side of things.  It's not really a smirk I wear, just half a grin since most of the laughter is on the inside.  I have heard "Oh, I hate you!" from more dames I knew did not hate me than you can imagine.  I do not recant.  I don't sell, I don't give in, I don't give out, peer pressure means nothing, if I do not believe.  They get over it.  They also learn not to drag things out.  Won't help.  Just gives me something to grin about for days or weeks.  "Oh!  I hate you!"  Yeah, and I love you too, Sweetpea.  *grins*  Those are good dreams.

I called the V.A.  While I was crashing hard, I really didn't want to sleep.  That is as close to fear as I have had in a while.  They don't have permission to use my local doctor as a source for prescriptions.  They, it seems, do have an old prescription they could use for insulin.  I ordered what else they could send.  I got the number, again, for getting my local doctor on the list.  I also called my friend, to see if he wanted to get out tomorrow.  Maybe a bit of shopping, perhaps something to eat, hopefully a short hike out somewhere.  Nothing fancy, just... getting out.  He has as much difficulty as I do.  It is supposed to be 55.  I'll take a jacket and a hat.  Don't plan on a 10 miler or anything.  Though, honestly, anything from a quarter to two mile might not be bad, if possible.  Hmm... I ought to fill canteens, just in case.

I will call the other V.A. number in the morning.  I will also be taking the pants in for return, or exchange really.  I've already filled the tag.  I'll keep that one larger pair, for around the house.  But they just don't work for long hikes or such, or even public appearances.  Comfortable and easy for around the cave, no more.  Well, and if something goes wrong, and I gain a lot through water retention or something, I have them for that as well.

Ugh...  Later.

Going under.

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I have things to do.  I don't think I will get to them.  I did do the dishes, then set them to a rinse.  Little else.  I am falling.  Hard.  Fast.  There are things I wanted to do.  More, there is something I don't want to do.  Sleep.  They are near.  I am sure they will find me in my sleep.  No choice.

Back to work.

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That is the goal.  I had hoped to hit the dishes right when I woke this evening.  That didn't happen and probably won't happen for a while.  There aren't that many, and they are oddball... many of them half gallon jugs from pickled pork hocks.  No bone, just meat on those.  Though there are some other odds and ends in there.  Not usual use items, but they had stacked up.  I'll store them in the basement.  The half gallon jugs would be good for storing home made sauerkraut, pickles, and such.  If I ever get to that.  I should also be able to get the box ready to return for the Duluth Trader pants.  I really like those pants.  They are just too big, all around.  I just hope the next size down isn't off as well.  They have a strange sizing system, at least on these pants, that skips two sizes.  I will get the number and name from the phone message tonight as well.  Other work may go forward.  If I do hit the dishes, then take a shower, I may hit the bathroom... clean it down to the shine.  That would be as much as I get done tonight though.

I am swinging sleep around.  I woke after midnight.  Part of the shift, I do believe, as always, is that there is more daylight.  Even hidden in my cave, my senses are acutely aware of what my conscious mind isn't seeing or understanding.  Spring is springing.  My body loves this time of year, but it does mess with my schedule.  I need to find a way to get out in it, burn up some of the energy extra sunshine creates.  But it's a sliding scale thing.  And my body is on a different, nearly static, sliding scale.  It's difficult for me to balance seasonal changes.  There are, potentially, eight difficult times of the year... when the seasons are in full swings of change and when the seasons are in full tilt.  The hardest part of winter can be too much, as with summer.  Fall and spring may or may not be a problem, depending on how severe, one way or another, they are.  In some ways I am simply prone to weather, and other related, changes and extremes.  No complaints though.  I think my weakness to those is less than living in a static weather environment.  Change is better than no change, is what I am suggesting.  I need... challenges.

Well, on to waking and then working, I hope.  Good day... night... whatever.

Some, not all.

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Moving slowly.  Work and goals simply didn't align with reality.  I did hit the dishes, then set them up for another soak.  I took a shower, dressed, and made it to the post office in time to collect packages.  That was pretty much it.  And that is pretty much it.

I simply couldn't converse well.  So making several wanted calls isn't possible.  Tomorrow.  Tonight I will line up the numbers and names, take a nap half way through the night, then call when it is good.  It's what I can do.  Yes, I want to get the last of this sorted.  I simply have to be awake enough, and I simply wasn't moving quickly enough this morning to set that up.  I'm pleased, given all, with what I did.

Mulholland Dr. wasn't all that much.  Not really my idea of a great show.  To me, it made perfect sense.  There are several likely scenarios, with two being prominent, to my mind.  Only one really fits, though, as I see things.  There are many "yes, but"s, which could be applied to any scenario.  Checked with reality and probability and that narrows drastically.  While I have lived, and some suggest am, the impossible, that don't confront me none, so long as I get paid on payday.  What is, generally, is.  What isn't is usually obvious.  Not my type of show.  No, I won't tell you which way I see what.  If you happen to watch it, I would gladly discuss it in an email or even in person.  Otherwise, I simply won't ruin the experience for someone who is interested in rarefied movies.  Not my type, but not at all awful, or even completely off my radar.  Just... so-so to my mind.  I have one more feature length, then a raft of shorts by him.  I'll wait until finances are all sorted before buying Eraserhead.  Oh, and then I'll get a keener sense of whether Michael's taste in movies...  we'll see.  Then again, first impressions can linger.  And if you watch a movie when younger it may have a very different impact.  Still... I think there might be something there to a telling.

Be well, work hard if you may, play nice unless you can't, and win until you cry... or die.  Good night.

Ah, I figured out the impossible.

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When the movie was presented... for my viewing pleasure... it was brought cautiously.  A cousin.  He knew me well enough to know something had gone off the rails.  He knew me to be rather straight... in many ways and in truth.  And yet I had seen, done, been, known, too much.  Still, I was seeking, so he presented the movie.  And I watched it.  I watched it a year or few later.  So, why did I remember almost nothing?  Simple.

At that time I did not remember her.  The lover who died in or about childbirthing.  Or... whatever.  I wasn't able to deal with such things?  Maybe.  It isn't the first thing like that to have happened.  It is just that, as time has gone by, and I have learned some of those dark secrets my mind was keeping, I... am more open to the world.  The good, the bad, the ugly.  I don't have memory gaps, for things, or at least no where near as many.  Now I can see, and remember.  This movie will probably not go away this time.

Now you, and I, know the... rest of the story.  On this anyway.  Probably.  It just came to me, so I thought I'd share out.  And, yeah, it makes sense.  That alone, maybe or maybe not.  But the burial in blood and death that came after sealed the thing for... well... until I was ready to see, know.  Much else I don't know, perhaps.  But I am getting much closer.  I went ahead and started watching Mulholland Dr.  I don't think I have watched it before?  Later.

Hmm?

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Okay.  The problem I was going to begin working on tomorrow seems to have been cleared while I slept.  Medicine.  No, I don't mean I took a bunch, or the body somehow leveled.  A call.  I received a call indicating that medicine should, or could, be on tap.  I will call tomorrow, as planned.  Now, however, I have an exact number to call, and a name.  Just in case, I will go ahead and resume medicine.  It'll take a while for me to trust that it will become regular.  On and off can hurt.  On and off isn't optimal, on many fronts, either.  It's a buggy way to live.  Not a choice.  Mess with things too much and the incentive to maintain regularity disappears.  We will see.

I will hit the dishes, then maybe take a shower.  I am not sure if I will need to wash the dishes twice or not.  A hot rinse, at a minimum, after the shower.  Then on to laundry.  Laundry is done, and somewhat sorted.  Some of it is folded.  Now just to finish that.  And, if I have enough energy, cleaning the bathroom would be the final house chore.  The phone call for medicine, a call to the refinancing office to let them know what is going on (can't begin that until after April 1st, but I am still interested), and a trip to the post office if my packages aren't in a box when I check tonight.

It's starting to seem as if the lilt of the deck is smoothing out.  One thing at a time, no faster than is possible.  Oh, and tomorrow, if I can remember, I'll see about the beef.  It could all be rather well set up soon, again.  Copacetic and everything.  Ah, one last thing.  I will keep one pair of pants in the size I ordered, for leisure ware.  The rest are being sent back for downsizing.  I'm down into 36-38 range, according to their line anyway.  Bit by bit.  I still weigh 280.  Of course, that is down from my high of 350-370 range of twenty years ago.  And the waist size is down from 44-46 from when I arrived in this state... six years ago or so?  Something like that.

Later.

One major issue resolved.

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The house loan, it seems, was purchased by another company.  Which means my automatic payment was ended rather than switched.  I was supposed to have received mail.  I did not, not to my knowledge.  Now, I couldn't clear it all up.  That is three months plus this coming month, which was simply too much.  I agreed to two months now, and two months payment April 1st.  Which... is fine.  That is basically what I usually pay.  That doesn't leave me open for setting up automatic payments or refinancing until after the final "double" payment goes through next month.  So... set, mostly, if it all works.

Oh, well, and I am awake past 11:00.  Pushing, hard.  A bit painful.  I made "supper", which ended up being quite good.  I made a whole package of pasta.  Hey, it's easy to get confused.  I'll store the sauce.  If the bread rolls are still good, I'll butter, fry, and top with the sauce.  If not... I'll figure something else out.  I had hoped to make it to the post office today.  Won't happen.  I am hoping they put the goodies in the storage.  I'll be in tonight.  If not I will push to get there tomorrow.  Tomorrow I am hoping to make another call, or set of calls.  Medicine.  Can't take it if I don't have it.

Yeah, there was some pretty terse conversation.  Frosty, if not quite uncivil.  Not fully.  Still, it worked out, probably.  We'll see shortly.  Oh, and I should call about the beef.  I can probably afford a full big one, but more if it doesn't go to the butcher until the end of the month.  If possible, that would help me.  Ugh.  I may try to call tonight, depending on when I wake.  It's about time to hit the rack like a train.  Good night.

Pushing.

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My sleep schedule is awful.  I can't seem to get it to budge.  Going to sleep just as businesses open.  Sleeping until after they have closed.  Medicine is off, again.  Then again, I'm getting low on it and there isn't a resupply available to point.  My work efforts came to a halt.  I haven't been able to push that back into action either.  Due to the medicine?  Maybe, though it may just be general stress from everything happening at once.  I honestly think they are trying to give me a heart attack.  I don't think it will work, though who knows.

I have been watching movies and gaming.  Dark Souls II, and down load content... game add-ons.  I still don't believe the game is as difficult as it seems.  I do believe that a character has to die a certain number of times before that character (or account generally) can go on to win.  It's that way with most of the bosses, though not all.  It is even that way with some enemies.  It's a cheap way to make a game seem more difficult than it really is.

Dinner?  Hmm, maybe.  I have hamburger thawed.  And I do have actual, not low fat, cream of mushroom sauce, pasta, milk, cream, and butter.  A bit of this and that and it can work well.  I should start making less pasta, then putting up the meat mix for over toast, eggs, or such.  Pasta simply doesn't hold up well once cooked.  It's always a race if I make too much.  I'd rather not race.  Yes, dinner.  And some gaming.  Later.

Impossible.

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I started considering which movie to watch of several that are now in, or back in, my collection.  I thought about watching a Lynch film.  Mulholland Drive, a new one to me, and a Lynch.  I just wasn't sure I was up to it.  I decided to watch Lost Highway, to ease my way back into that type.  Donnie Darko was a pushover, for me.  Though, to be fair, it was aimed at high school ages, if the potentially brighter among them.  I am sure I have watched Lost Highway at least twice, if ten to fifteen years ago.

In it goes.  I remembered the first, say, fifteen minutes of it.  Then?  Nothing.  I remember just a few other things or scenes.  The road rage part.  I remember the bits with the "stranger" in it, or about half of them.  The highway scenes, along the dotted or not lines.  I remember the shack, but only as a picture, nothing that happened there.  Nothing else.  That is quite strange.  I remember movies I watched as a kid.  Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, which was more laughable to me because even as a child I understood the neurosis of the feminine.  If not so much how terrible it could be, still don't other than how it can play out badly.  I haven't seen Demon seed since it came out, but could probably remember most scenes in the movie.  Even a movie, such as Creator, would be fairly well remembered, even if watched as a child, not since.  Odd.  Oh, and Rammstein is in it.  That floored me.  Should have known that.

Anyway...  I am caught up on it.  While definitely not recommended for kids, they won't understand... might bruise their brains.  While it seems... mature, and has that content.  It's easy to see why some things are everything but what they appear.  If you know how to look, and look closely, you won't see sexy things, you will only see unmet hungers that grow to become monstrous, right through the seeming feeding of those needs and wants.  The wrong way.  It's like eating bleached white untreated flour products.  Or, heck, even vitaminized flour of the same sort.  Empty.  Leaves only a hunger that can't be fulfilled.  That's not all it is about, there is a lot in there, if one knows how to look and isn't afraid, or unable.  Still, I wonder if I will forget what I saw, again, before long.  It is possible.

Later... Or, actually, good night.

Considerations.

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Thoughts.  A few things to check, or not.  Might just let things slide.  Not sure I have much of a choice.  Still, the world hasn't let me down yet.  Not in the ways that matter.  I haven't won, can't win.  I simply haven't lost everything, at the very least at least not yet.