Sore, over sleeping, tired, but better.

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I think things are improving.  The extra sleep is my body figuring out medicine.  Today, when I woke, for the first time in a while, I feel really awake.  Not energetic but not with a permanent sense of dull sleepiness that haunts steps and thought.  I am hoping to do some work again.  It probably won't be a great deal of work, just enough to call it a start.  It is the weekend so the idea is to not even attempt too much work, as a general rule.

I am considering what to do with blogging and gab.  It may be time to begin thinking about it all.  After the first 90 days of Trump, what else he will or can do may be sliding.  After that, I think he will pretty much be out of steam.  They have been trying to shut him down since before he took office.  I don't know if he can get much else through after that.  Then again, who knows, maybe he already got what he really wanted and they are at loggerheads just for show.  Politics, business, family affairs, often kabuki theater is how things run.

The wall, pretty much, is all I expected.  Anything else was bonus, gravy.  Much of the else, while interesting, can be undone with a pen by the next president, and congress isn't interested in changing anything.  They seem to profit, what should be illegally, from fast major changes in the government.  They aren't going to cut off their access to insider trading.  Which means they want corrupt, overbearing, governance.  I don't think Trump can change that.

I'm not finding better news... anywhere.  Partisan is partisan.  As to the quality of news beyond that, it's not better or worse.  Siding with my notions using bias that is just as wrong is only interesting until I realize it is just as wrong.  The news simply isn't for information, but cheerleading.  I'm not interested, since neither team seems to be for America, Americans, the middle class, propriety, or such.  Yeah, a few more months and I may simply cut these cords too.

If I continue to blog, I may do it privately.  Perhaps going to a hand written form.  No one comments.  Cool, just... no reason to share, really.  I am surprised my blog hasn't been shut down anyway.  Access to music is pretty complicated and coming to an end.  Paying for access without advertisements is not worth it, since they can and do simply yank things, and seem to further be censoring ideas.  They've done it to themselves.  Their income model might be fine if they weren't censoring, or removing content that had been available for many years at some whim, or a new owner's demand.  Little need for the internet without blogging and music video access.

Well... on to... something.  Good evening.

Tired?

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I doubt if you have ever hit the depths of that.  Imagine being so tired that listening to music hurts.  Mild, rock, metal, alt, religious, doesn't matter.  Hurts.  I'm not even sure how it can hurt.  Some sort of overload.  I can listen today, mostly.  Short episodes, one song at a time really, milder tunes, lower volume.  Yeah.  I could still rip a bear in half, that's never a problem.  Actually, when I am that backed into a corner I am probably even more terrible.

Medicine.  What it does, what happens when it is missed, as it is being started again.  My life is a brutal thing sometimes.  Thankfully I generally don't take it out on anyone.  Then again, it's not like I could get to it.  Someone would have to start it.  Yeah, I could probably finish it, wouldn't even notice until I got better.

I'm nearing doing better.  But it might be touch and go for a few days to weeks.  And then I'll be upping the dose, so...  Still, I will be trying to get to more as I can.  I might or might not have the ability.  I love the testing.  I love trying the nearly impossible.  Even if I fail, the effort... it's wonderful.

Oh, you know... I have been hungry for oyster for a very long time, and good sea food, fish of some sort.  I may order just that, before long.  Though I want to make sure I can get to the store and have the extras I'll want.  Lemon, perhaps what I need to make various sauces, to see what I like with it.  I do have a shucking knife, but I'd like to have a second on, of a different sort, on hand.

They are sold by the 5 dozen, or more, in groups or additions of 5's.  I am absolutely certain I could eat 5 dozen, probably 10 dozen.  The latter would be a lot of shucking though?  Don't know.  I've eaten them by the multiple tray before but I have never prepared them.  Not this month, I want to store up.  Maybe next month.  I'd offer them out, but I'm not sure how much that really is.  While the shell might be 3" to 4" inches, the meats are small.  And I don't know anyone who likes them.  Next month?  Maybe.  I can order them so that they will arrive.  Though I may hold off, maybe for several months.  It's a fairly pricey meal.  Might look around for other price offerings.  Though if you mess with prices too much, you can end up getting bargained to death.  Seafood is crazy wicked when it goes bad, especially if that is somehow hidden.

Later.

Yes, medicine.

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I'm still going to be taking it slow for a while.  Hitting that heart juice straight up is tough.  I'm feeling a bit more awake, not any more active though.  Gabbing, watching the episodes... it's something.  Passing time.  My day is slipping further into the night.  At 7:15 or so, I will be taking my medicine and watching the last of an episode as I turn my thoughts to bed.

Good night and day.

So very tired.

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It does seem colder.  Some of it, most of it really, is probably medication.  Skipping it, missing it, when just starting, can really cause energy problems.  Then again, it's tough to start this stuff.  It slows the heart down, keeps it from beating so fast.  Which... has a use.  But has a heavy cost.  Amazing stuff, terribly potent, even for one of my kind.  Actually, when even at my level, missing a few days can, often does, kill.  Yeah, THAT nasty.

Why it doesn't kill this or that one?  Or even some of us seemingly at all?  Anyway, I am sure hoping that getting back on it will get me back, and that I can keep on it.  Sometimes I can do well off it, in the last half a decade.  But on it, if I can balance, I can really do much better.  Never will I be full speed again.  I can be, perhaps, quarter to half speed though.

I want to crash, and may.  More of a nap than a sleep, probably.  Taking "night" medicines when I wake.  Then, if I can, doing dishes and some laundry.  So tired.  Hmm... a bit more viewing, then on to a nap most likely.  Good day... night, for your part.

Oh, ouch, right. Right?

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I fell of medication.  And... I don't know.  Was that the whole problem?  Cold arrived, or returned, I think.  Or was that simply a sensation from falling off medication?  Nothing has been right, or even wrong.  Everything just went away for a bit.  I have been sleeping, and then awake, watching those series, gabbing, blogging(?).  Numb, though.  I remember little.  No pain, just... nothing, mostly.

Empty spaces be-

tween drops known as time.

I can know nothing.

I am not back, not fully.  I am merely aware of where I am, or when?  Or... a bit of what I am?  Something.  As well, I have decided to pick a direction, or destination, and make my way as I am able.  It might sound silly.  If so, you have simply never been to the void, to forever, to never, to tomorrow and yesterday at the same time.  In time I do believe you will learn of that which I speak.  Perhaps not until you, in repose, near death.  Women know this place more often, before that time, but not all women.  For them it is fear, fragility, uncertainty, and/or their part in the reproductive.  That part for them is of a pain near to death and is a place alone.  Other women may understand, literally bear sympathy, but each woman has to know it alone, in her time.  The men who see these places have know death or war or better both.  Why I know it I can't say, only that I know it better than most, far more deeply.  It is almost home.  God says I have things to do yet, and I have agreed to be his beggar servant.  And, so, I only visit home from time to time.

Medicine was restarted tonight.  I hope to use the weekend to get sorted back into place.  I reset medicines for the next month, while at it.  I will reset the first medicine dispenser as soon as it runs dry, and set it up for a full dose of carvedilol.  Yes, just being on that leads me to home.  If I can stay on it, for long enough, and don't let them talk me into taking more, I can return to this place, land my feet on the ground, and get back to things in shorter order.  Those medicines are messy.  I'll do what I can though.

Dishes, I hope, tonight.  Maybe a bit of laundry.  A shower.  If I can do this, the rest of the weekend will be finishing laundry.  If so, and if medicine doesn't blot me out as the lack of it has, perhaps I can begin in the kitchen, bathroom, and main bedroom this coming week.  Ugh...  UgH...  UGH!?!  I'll... keep at it.  Good evening.

Not as planned.

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I went shopping, yesterday, instead of cleaning.  All good.  I was out of a number of things.  More, I simply wanted a few things.  Milk is no longer a daily, but when I haven't had it in a while I get a serious thirst for it.  Cream is good, as well, and sorely missed.  A bit in cream, mixed with milk in oatmeal or other hot grain cereal, or for oyster stew or even tomato soup.  Little things.  Though some things of necessity, toilet paper, paper towels, cat food, were also on the list.  Getting out and just the act of shopping, too.

While at it, I ordered a meal from Wendy's.  That is nearly the last fast food joint I will visit.  The only thing, at the moment, I don't like, is their pickles.  But I ask for those not to be added and that is that.  I have learned, finally, to allow the cheese.  I was an odd kid, hated that kind of cheese as a kid.  It didn't, and still doesn't, taste... right.  Still, from time to time, I allow for it.  I suppose it matches the meat these days, at burger joints?  Anyway, just... something free, easy, and hot.

I have restarted Penny Dreadful from the start.  It is making a difference.  I think, when I jumped in, I didn't have background and that was necessary.  It is still more directed at the female mind, and so a bit dull for me.  Still, it's... a bit better and I will continue.  I also started watching Dexter.  That is... more along my lines.  While I am not, to my mind, such a sort as Dexter on a basic level, on a "professional" level, or survival level... within some constraints... we do have some... commonality.  For some, in certain conditions, I have absolutely no care.  Which, as I have pointed out, can make me a friend you'd rather not have.  But an absolute friend in deed.  The price of that friendship might be living with what has been done to allow for you to keep breathing.  I used to think it, or that potential, whole evil.  Then... I learned.  God does, sometimes, call for the destruction of cities, even whole peoples.  Men, or some men, are not capable.  Angles are not always able, either, due to... my kind.  So?  So he calls on those of my kind who can and will, in His name.  Sin eaters... or slayers along my lines.  Not sure I believe sin eaters as anything more than a doubled corruption, a false path that only leads two, and more, to hell.  A sin slayer, yes.  Though, unlike Dexter, I... must suffer those things or find no path, chance, to heaven.  Still, I do have some understanding of this character.  And, actually, they are portraying him well, so far, as I see.  I have known a few.  Oddly, they have feared me, in spite of mostly being fearless beings.  They know me like I know them, and they do fear me.  A terrible thing, especially for one who must know guilt.  Guilt is a great gift, honor, for one of my kind.  Only God could grant that, if I did have to accept it.  A price for a great potential gift.

Oh, right.  Just... saying.  I'll try to hit some of the projects today.  Dishes, maybe the bedding... Ugh.  It's a rough day.  Good day.

Wonderful.

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Headache.  Wouch.  Did I push it a bit yesterday?  Did I sleep wrong?  It is, actually, an unusual sort of headache.  Something is pinched on the left lower side of my neck.  All at one point.  Which causes muscles to bunch from there out, mostly up and down but a bit side to side.  Exquisite, really.  The headache isn't too bad.  And it is purely mechanical.  I may take some painkillers and then go back in, lie down, sleep if I can, and that should fix it.  Usually does anyway.

Quite a bit of work yesterday, given all.  I have no such plans for as much today.  The dishes once more, rinsed, and up.  And any remaining dishes collected by not started.  The bedding washed, dried, and put up.  When I am awake fully for the day I will strip the bed and turn the mattress, standing it perhaps to let it air dry.  Hmm... could powder it with baking soda/powder (one of them) as well, then vacuum that off when I go to make the bed.  Perhaps a bit more laundry.  That will be that, mostly.

Tomorrow?  Cleaning the bathroom and kitchen, or starting in on it.  As well, perhaps, beginning in on the main bedroom again should I have more energy for work.  The rest of the week will be devoted to various such projects.  The rest of the month will be to those projects, along with sorting things to toss.  Next month I hope to rent a dumpster and begin getting rid of things, many things.  If I can afford it.  I have no idea what sort of cost is involved.  It may be prohibitive.  In any case, I want much ready to go, and be in a shape to rip through all that remains.  I only want it for the minimum amount of time.  Two or three loads should easily do it, perhaps less.

Oh, looks like I did finally get the trash and recycling right.  Then again, sometimes everyone else just looks out, and if some fool (me in this case) got it wrong, well?  I definitely take my turn in that.  Though they didn't pick up last week, so... maybe?  :P  If not, sorry, neighbors!  I do my best but generally, on some things, know not.  :)

I'll work on Gab a bit, while I let the painpills begin, then I'll crash for another hour.  I was awake rather late, sleeping only seven to eight hours actually.  Yes, my 'days' are getting longer is the deal.  Spring.  Love it or hate it...  At least my sleep is more regulated these last years, mostly.  When they are both out of sync is when it gets messy.  Good day.

Not bad.

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I made the list but I didn't think I'd get to it, not all of it.  I did those things and more.  I am rather bushed.  Need to chill before going to bed.  More Penny Dreadful... which somehow I started on the 3rd season.  Back to the beginning.  And, if that is too dull as with the rest of it, I'll take breaks and work on re-following those who follow me.  I'm nearing 3k, which is less than half.  My button pressing mojo is about burned out.  Still, as I can.

Tomorrow?  Dishes, another shower, laundry, new sheets on the bed and all the old bedding washed as well.  Ugh.  I'd like to do shopping, not sure I'll have what it takes.  Though bringing the trash and recycling bins in would be good.  No one else has theirs out, but maybe it was because it was snowing earlier and there was some concern they might be struck by a plow.  Snowing has stopped and the plow has been through, so... should be good.  Though maybe pickup day has changed?  I'll check when I wake tomorrow.

Good night.

Yeah, getting there.

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I was able to do all of the dishes once, put a load of laundry through the wash while folding two older loads.  I also un-followed ~22k accounts on Gab, and have put about ~2k of my followers back as followed.  I have about ~4.8k left to follow again.  Well, actually, there were ~415 people/accounts I was following that Gab wouldn't let me remove.  They just didn't show up in the queue.  Not sure what is up with that, though electronic artifacts and glitches are realities with computers.

I am tired, too tired I think to do too much more.  The only things I really want to make sure to do before sleeping is to reset the dishes to a second soapy soak and to put he wash in the dryer and and hand dry the washer.  Actually I would like to eat something.  I just don't think there is anything easy enough to munch.  I have a chunk of gouda cheese, but nothing to go with it.  Crackers, at least, though salami or a pear would be perfect.  Yeah, I need to do some shopping.

Oh, I will get the trash and recycling to the curb as well.  It's all out, or enough of it.  Bleh.  Good night.

More.

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Small work orders, as some might call them.  Laundry is nearly ready to start.  I just want to check for any other stashes, find a few more laundry baskets, then sort what should be washed first.  I won't do the bedding tonight.  I will find new sheets for tomorrow or soon, and be ready to change that out.  I want to do that on a day when I can do all of the bedding and blankets at once.  I need some clothes sooner than later, so that is priority.

I have most of the remaining dishes soaking.  I hope to wash all of it at least once yet tonight.  There isn't all that much, just more than any two batches up to this point, maybe three.  It's... a bit more work than I have been able to do in this most recent start.  I set up medicine for the next few days and started it.  I missed yesterday, I think.  The goal, too, with that, is to reset a month of medicine tonight or tomorrow.  The only thing I might end up adding is the last doubling of carvedilol.  Though maybe not.  I am not quite ready to double, and don't think I will be for a bit.  It's tough stuff to dose.  Doubling is a bear.  If nothing else, I want to attempt to get the house back in some sort of shape, and enjoy some time doing better before diving into double dosage.  On the good side, that will be as high as I go.  This next titration is it... if I can maintain medicine.

I finished Sparicus and am starting on a new series, Penny Dreadful.  So far it's... mostly mush.  I hope it improves, the notion has promise.  Though, sometimes, when you have too many leads it is too difficult to do any of them justice.  The pacing is very slow.  Perhaps it will improve.  Though, if it is aimed at women, it... won't.  Watching television is difficult at best.  But when the target group is women, it is truly dreadful.  Between that and work, I am also resetting my followers/following list on Gab.  I was following 22k and only had 6.4k followers.  So... I am dumping all that I am following and will reselect those who are following me.  I seem to be losing some, along the way, even though they aren't supposed to be able to tell I am unfollowing.  Oh well.  Just had to scratch that itch.

Well... back to a bit of viewing.  Later.

A slow start.

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The dishes I had set up were finished last night.  Most of the trash was collected and the cat litter emptied and reset, that all taken out to the bin.  A few other odds and ends as well.  This "morning" a shower, much needed.  As well, I started reviewing laundry.  I am hoping to do some laundry yet today, and change the bedding and do that as well.  Further, more dishes will be set up.  The snow is off the drive.  I never did get to it.  God did it this time, vicariously through nature of course.  All good.

I didn't sleep until well after 5:00, perhaps after 6:00.  I think I was awake by 13:00, or very shortly after.  Sleep was good though.  Wake time is just slipping, might just be more sunlight, or longer hours of what there is, and a warming world.  I'm simply sensitive to... pretty much everything.  Probably just a medical thing.  I have learned, and have become better at, using time when it is available, as I can, rather that trying to push for days then work.  I'll do my best.

Ah... as weather improves, as soon as I think snow is gone for good, I will begin researching a large dumpster in order to clean out the cave.  As well, next time I am in town I will begin searching for a heavy duty paper shredder.  Those two things may quickly see my house to some much greater order.  If it gets cleaned down to the bone, having domestic help once in a while might be reasonably affordable.  I just have to get to that point.  Life is so much better when things are clean and neat.

Good day.