Up, late?

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A bit after 17:00.  I think I went to bed around five, as much as an half hour after?  Slept hard.  Slept warm though.  Sleep was good.  Dreams, drifted in, then out.  Nothing remains.  Mostly about girls I liked in grade school, a few business disagreements being settled, that sort of thing, from what remains.  Nothing too boisterous, one way or the other.

Cream and milk arrived.  I'm set for the week that way.  Money was paid, good for them month, and then some.  I think I have enough extra that I won't use powdered cream.  It works, it just... isn't... my favorite.  I'll get an extra cream next week, do it then.  And, just eat this week's single cream this week.  That powdered stuff would do in a short, but reminds me of powdered cardboard.  And it doesn't, even with nearly boiling water, reconstitute fully.  Still, in a pinch, it will do.  Adds forty calories of fat, and little else (compared to 51 calories of fat for cream, per tablespoon each).

Well?  I don't know about today.  I have a few things on my list.  Getting trash and recycling collected and out.  This week is not recycling, but don't have much of that anyway.  It's just a matter of getting the full bag out.  Trash... yes... get that arranged so all I have to do is haul the barrel when it is time.

Another shower would be pleasant.  Pulling two packages of meat to thaw.  And, maybe, tending boxes again.  Well, and taking a few last things to the pantry.  Or... pantries.  I have a food one and a supply one.  Not quite a store, but... I might surprise you with... what I could pull out.  Not a lot of it, but... yea.  I could feed a family of four to six for a few weeks, if that is about it.  But, for one, it would last, especially if I didn't have to work hard, so need to eat much.  Skimping, this may well last a year.  I'd... have lost a lot of weight, but... who won't.

I've still got gears running.  Food will hit a critical moment, and it won't get better for a while.  Prices will make the rise this last year seem mild.  Eat, drink, and be mary, for tomorrow it all costs double.  Americans were rich, enough, once.  That's gone.  They are trying to lift you to African levels of private wealth.  The way Vietnam's education ministry admitted to trying to lift it's population to illiteracy.  Governments, everywhere, at this point, are against you.  Even your own, in America, Europe, Russia, China.  There all working against their people.  More crushingly so in some countries, more through allowances in others.  I suppose it is an experiment, comparing which government type can undercut and crush it's people the fastest.  The opposite of what they used to do.  Or... some of them.

Well... on to my day.  Enjoying a fatted coffee.  Took insulin since I forgot it last night again, and some fast acting.  Just about the last of that.  Oh well.  Just some web browsing, then gaming.  Then to so work if possible.  Good day, evening, night, and whatever else.  

On to bed.

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Keeping up on what Sassy needs and wants.  Ate a bigger meal, needed more.

Checked the kefir in the fridge.  It'll take another week, perhaps more, to ferment.  Which is fine.  If it takes two to three, even four weeks, that's all good.  That is just a spare kefir grain repository.  Though, to be honest, the three big jugs I keep in the fridge produce large kefir grains as they finish off the last of the lactose.  Sometimes very large ones.  Still, I have extras of extras, and like it that way.

It's difficult to believe that I have been keeping up on flipping my bed, and making the bed at least every third, if mostly every other day.  Then again, that helps me stay warm at night too.  So... there is more to it.  And, it keeps my bedding from becoming like an overused dog matt.

This, that, and the other thing.  Not sure how running out of medicine will impact that.  Not in a good way.  But, it's what is.  Then again, this is as much a part of things as the vax and covid.  Just getting rid of useless eaters.  It's all built into the program, at this point.

A fairly successful day, in any case.  Pretty tired.  I even put in my list for dairy.  So they know what to get, bring.  I even have a plan for that.  While I don't like the powdered cream nearly as well as the fresh, it will do.  I will use the cream, this week, to make kefir creme fraiche.  And, just create a quart of cream from the powder.  Not perfect, but it will do.  That much creme fraiche should last the month.  And I can have fresh cream the rest of the month.  All without adding the cost of another quart of cream, which is becoming dear.  If I do anything, I may add a milk.  But I almost have the kefir to milk to consumption down.  The actual question isn't can I do it, but is that satisfying enough?  I'd like to keep the reservoir kefir grains, but still add another quart to the lineup.  For more kefir.  Yes, I would.  This month though?  Probably next.  I had extra bills this month, and would like to make it to the end of the month some money this time.  Just keep the extra in for next month.  Ugh.

Plans, ideas, notions, equations, but it is working.  For the moment.  Goodnight.

I did make it out.

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Nothing fancy.  But it has been... a while.  Just couldn't get a shower in on the same day I was trying to get out.  Then the opportunity would vanish.  Had to get money for dairy.  And a few dollars to have, just for whatever.  As well, burgers.  On lettuce, no fries or soda.  I brought them home, and drank water with them.  It will do.  Cheaper, too.

I had hoped to get to the grocery store as well, but I just... hadn't thought well in advance.  I was wearing pj bottoms.  So... no.  No, I just won't do that.  It's taken five and an half decades for me to even consider leaving my house, at night, just going through drive-through(s in this case), wearing pj bottoms.  Not... going to go to the store as such.  Not day, not night, only if it were an emergency, a real one.

Clean though.  And, got the cash for dairy.  I was in arears a bit.  Got the arrears sorted and will be well ahead now.  Going to try to stay at least $50 ahead.  And, got money into savings the last two, or three, months running.  Not a lot.  Modest little bills.  But... it will add up in time.

Caught up on all my bills, on time with... wait... I should check?  No, I paid it too, this month.  I  thought I might have forgotten Home Depot card.  I will call and check, just to be certain.  Yipee!  It's paid.  And, I have enough money to get through the month.  I still have gas and electric.  Anything else?  I don't think so.  Still, I'll run a bit shy.  Anything extra left over will go against... any bill that dares pop it's head up.  And, maybe, this month, I will attempt to set up autopayments on utilities, now that I have that sorted, caught up, and probably a bit ahead.  Ugh.

As for groceries, I'm going to go very slim.  Probably the equivalent of two packs of meat a week, so a roast, a eight pack of hindquarter parts or a four pack of hindquarters, a bigger (3 pound) pack of burger (and/or other ground meats that price well), or even steaks if I can find them on a steal.  I'm only willing to buy at about $4 a pound, or less.  So, I have to keep an eye on things.  Or just get lucky when I go in.  Or... pay a slight bit more, but buy less.  The rest will be kefir.  As well as veggies and salad.  I have cut food bill to about $300, but that includes $120 to dairy, so I have gone slim.  Not sure I can keep up on dairy though.  They just had another another raise.  I get it, I do.  But I may be priced out before long.  I'll just go to more meats if I have to.  Not sure if that is a better deal, but I think price by volume, maybe.

Oh, neighbor will be arriving soon, to change the mower from the mowing deck to the plow.  I... am hoping to beat him to it.  Not sure I can, will.  But... I... can hope.  Then we could spend an half hour talking.  And looking at another project, potentially.  Oh, the lights didn't turn on?  Nope.  They had worked, in theory, earlier.  I'll... look a bit closer in the morning... or day... when there is better light.  I just plugged it straight through for now.  But, they do work.  And the timer works.  Something is just... a little off?  I'll find out.

Yes, not... a bad day.  And, with it, I am paid up... minus energy utilities, but those are on autopay.  And with enough money in the bank, and some stowed into savings.  Marginal, but I'll take it.  And, anything left over?  Part to pay other bills, part to put into savings.  There.  That... should do.  

I even made my bed, while I was up looking for my wallet earlier.  So, when I want to go, I can just go.  Will try to remember slow acting.  Probably should use a bit of fast acting too.  Use it before it goes bad.  No use holding onto it.  Later, or goodnight.

Christmas lights are going.

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No, I didn't get motivated.  The neighbor was doing his, texted and asked if it would be too early for my liking, or if today would be good.  Good by me, for certain.  I have them running from 20:00 to 01:00, for now.  Well, in theory.  It seems a reasonable time, no?  He is getting married, soon.  Rent is expensive out there!  Oh well.

I'm planning to get them some things from here, and something new.  I did his sister well.  I'll set them up just a bit.  Hmm, seems there IS a time for them/they.  Ha!  But only when they pair up.  He's a good apple.  I... trust his decisions, as if I had a say mind you.  But all marriages are a wing and a prayer these days.  I suspect, to some degree, they always have been.  Stay away from demon rum and evil gal pals on her side, and you just might make it.  It improves the odds.

I got a shower in, so I didn't... seem too rough.  Brushed my teeth for the second time today.  All good.  I hate being a lay-about, don't seem to have much choice.  Awake, anyway.  And, for most of the day.  Or most of a day.  The clock will begin tilting, as medicine is halved, and then ends.  That... will be the way of it after that.  Oh well.

Only had tea and fatted coffee today, blood sugar went up, 170.  Strange.  Well, and a single kefir.  I had thought to go for dinner, somewhere?  Might still be able to, if I order carefully.  No soda, no fries, and no bun on the burger?  Yea, I suppose so.  Then two burgers?  Incentive, to get me out of the house.

I'll... let my hair dry though, first.  I think I have most clocks and else reset for the new time.  Ah, an extra hour in 2022 is like another three hundred foot tear in the Titanic, just what the doctor ordered... given the vax and masks yet in some places, exactly what the doctor ordered.  Oh well.  Later.

Awake, a bit early?

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Can't be sure when I went to bed.  Not all clocks have been reset.  Woke at 10:30, if the alarm is on the right time and holding... but I think so.  It was a cold night!  I could not find warmth.  I stripped the bed down and will reset it rightly before bed.  If I don't think that was the problem.  It was just a cold night.  And, I seem to be cold, unable to warm.

I forgot slow acting insulin last night.  I realized it, after having crawled into bed.  But it was so cold, I refused to get up and go downstairs.  I didn't have it in me, either, anyway.  It was brutal just getting into bed.  So, imagine my surprise, this morning, when testing at it turns out to be 146 fasting.  It's not perfect, but for no insulin yesterday?  Meh.  Still, I'll get it in today.

Oh, but checking outdoors, it is up to 31 or so out there.  And, it is 70/71 down here?  Strange.  But it only got to 55 upstairs, which is four degrees cooler than usual, down near me.  It was 57 closer to the stairs and higher off the floor.  So cold.  Finally found some warmth, enough to sleep a bit better, the last few hours I was down.  Didn't want to get up, but I was awake, so...  I think I went down around five, or six.  Can't be sure.  Four?  Not seven.  Eight is way out.

A fatted coffee and half a glass of kefir to start it up.  I am down to using two quarts for making kefir, with a third in the fridge, as kefir grain storage.  I will check that each week, until I believe it has fully matured, then reset it.  This will be the first week, tomorrow?  Give or take.  I'll check it.  It shouldn't be ready, but who knows.  Either way, I'll probably give it another week.  I just... am curious.  And, two gallons will do, the way things are working.  Still, if I cut other things, I may add another gallon of milk.  I'll decide by the beginning of next month.  Perhaps just have a meat and veggie meal every other day?  Something like that, living off kefir and fatted coffee the rest of the time.  Well, and water.

Odd.  But after the post about the V.A.?  Viewership plunged.  Significantly.  I guess my decision disappoints folk.  Oh well.  Then again, I don't write for you, or them, or whoever else.  I write just to... write.  I've always assumed I was alone, and that the viewership, what there is, or was, was fiction in any case.  I... can't imagine who could actually read this.  Far too dull.  Still, making a note, and chuckling.

On to seeing what else is out there, then to gaming.  Good morning, and day.  Stay warm, healthy, and... whatever else is right.  Ciao.  

The plan.

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Sure seems cold tonight.  It is reading a few degrees colder, indoors.  I wonder if that is because my body is colder?  I am not putting out heat, for some reason.  Blood sugar seems okay, but I have only had two fatted coffees, no food.  At 127 it is okay.  I don't have much fast acting insulin left.  I do have a bit of slow acting.  I will use... what I have as well as I may.

As for medicine, of the pill sort, as I mentioned, I am taking that in the middle of whatever passes for my day.  Not sure how much extra I have.  I think I had pretty much used up most of it, setting these up.  Though, I haven't actually checked.  The thing most needed is the waterpills.  I'll see what I have of those.  Though, without the rest, they may not... do as well.

I did check outside, just... to see.  Okay, that might be part of it.  It was 11~12 F outside, which... is much cooler than it has been.  So, yeah, that... might be it.  Normal, for this time of year.  Actually, it has been a bit warm later into the fall?  I think so.  But that cold sure gets in.  It just does, more so at higher elevations.

Perhaps much less of all other eating, more kefir?  I may try that, to curtail blood sugar issues.  Not sure it can be sustained for long though.  Will find out.  As soon as possible, I'll check through my medicine, see what is left, and what I can do with it.  I have, at half dose, a few weeks for certain.  Not sure about beyond that.  Not sure half doses will do much, but... will make it so I don't crash completely, immediately.  Probably.  Meh.

Finally got on medicine that was working, after twenty five years of being gaslighted about my health issue being depression.  And a long slog to get to the right stuff.  Oh well.

Back to gaming.  The cold is really a bit brutal tonight.  Would turn the furnace up, but... the temp isn't... the problem?  It's more barometric pressure, altitude, perhaps physical issues, and the drafts or... something... that remain.  When it gets that cold out, it just... draws the heat out.  Eats it.  Bleh.

I have been drinking warm drinks, but they don't stay warm long, or warm me well.  Odd.  Still, another... a hot tea.  After six ounces of kefir just now.  Later, or goodnight.  On back to just a bit of gaming, until I can sleep.  Later or goodnight.

Medicine has been canceled.

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The V.A. is requiring and in-person physical.  But they still require the mask, which I really can't do.  So, it's done.  I have been canceled.  And, so be it.

The trick now is to muster any last med I have, and use it as possible, to lesson the blow.  It will be harsh.  I am thinking, half a dose a day, every other type, spread out over a few weeks, maybe a month.  But insulin will be out... quickly.  So be it.  That's just the way it goes.

Just got off the phone with the nurse at my former doctor's office.  That's that.  No way around it.  Oh well.

This may be a vindictive move, because I refused to indulge them in there anit-medical queer "study".  Piss off, good and hard, if that's the case.

Couldn't get to bed.

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Or do anything else.  Did get an extra dose of pill medicine in, to try to catch up.  Did take my slow acting insulin.  I checked blood sugar before doing it.  It was 119.  I guess the bit of fast acting was... probably... a good call.  Still not perfect, but would rather it go down more slowly.  So a good thing from that perspective.

Gaming is going well.  I will be attempting to clear a zone, before going on to the next one.  Not sure it is possible.  I am not sure, but some zones have to be returned to, in order to complete, after gaining levels in other areas?  If so, this one?  Dunno.  Enjoying the gaming?  It's... a bit long.  It does eat time.  There is that.  It isn't too difficult, complicated, or else.  But it takes... a... long... time... to... get... through.  Ugh.  That's. just the type of game it is.

I'm probably just going to head on to bed.  Not much else I can do.  Just... had to say, and again.  Adding felting to the door jams, front and back, has definitely made a difference.  With the furnace on 68, this front room stays around 71 with the machine, a small lamp, the router, and sometimes the screen on.  More with me in it for long.  It used to get down into the high 50s to mid 40s even.  And, the main stays 68, unless I am in there, on the console, for a few hours, then it goes up to 71 too, but no higher.  Still, that is warm enough, now that I have a beard, and dress for the cold more appropriately.  All good.

Goodnight.

I wonder if you realize something?

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Some take things a bit more serious than they should.  Of course, some scenes are written in such a way as to... hide the tracks.  Or to be taken so seriously, that the connection to it's parady, parallel, perpendicular? isn't easily discerned.  I saw it immediately.  But, if you think about it?  You see.  Or... maybe not.  I'll... show them, that may help.

This scene is revenge.  Not... regarding the characters, within the show.  It is a doubling of the intensity of the scene it seems to hate, and a reversing of the end-game.  This is revenge upon another scene in a different movie.  You... did realize?  Or... maybe not.

The scene?

Feeling good, doing well.

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Just gaming, but at least I am not sleeping.  Yet.  Just checked blood sugar, 124.  Not a bad reduction, from 141, but not great either.  Having another kefir, will have another fatted coffee, and took a smaller dose of fast acting insulin.  I really shouldn't have, but it's too late now.  Seconds thoughts need to happen before actions.

If blood sugar dives, I will take six pieces of candy.  Doesn't matter which type.  Hoping it doesn't, which is why the fatted coffee.  From hereon, only water or plain tea.

I am hoping to shower yet tonight.  Pill medicines have been taken for the day.  But I have been missing those, off and on.  A day here, a dose there.  Not the best this last week.  Not... sure why I forget sometimes.  But... it just happens.

I'll game a bit more, then shower.  Game a bit more after that, then get on to bed.  I wouldn't mind getting to bed earlier tonight.  But who knows.  Blowing in the wind isn't just a song.  I have little control, these days.  Still... I'll...  Then again, I'm not sure whether to push... or to pull?  Bah!  I'll think on it.  Later.

Well? Okay.

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A bit to eat, slow and fast acting insulin, and gaming since.  Blood sugar was 212 fasting, and is down to 141.  A nice, gentle reduction.  That's what I like to see.  Another meal, an actual meal, a bit more fast acting, and life should smooth out more.  I like being around 100, but not too quickly, or it will collapse during the night.  After I have been on it, solidly, for a  few weeks to a month, I'm more allowing that way.

Sassy is doing well.  Fed, litter managed, attention given.  I love the little furbag.  And, I think she likes me, mostly.  But, in cooler weather, she is much more relaxed as well.  Sedate?  Quiet?  Sleepy?  Sleeps more?  There.  I am getting to nothing, and can't seem to push through.  I keep trying.  Gaming is about it.  And... that just to stay awake.  Or I would just sleep.

No return call from the V.A.  Well, it'll happen, in time, or not.  I'll just have to drop off meds if I can't get extra or get in.

Oh, dinner was good.  Nothing fancy.  As simple as it had to be.  A bit of kefir, mostly water.  I find that kefir really does help with my life, diet, and even blood sugar.  But... it has to be in smaller amounts than I would like, and with meals.  I don't mind it being with meals.  I just wish I could have more.  But... I am already using two gallons of milk a week to keep up.  I can't afford another gallon?  And, even that would only allow a bit more.  How could I be drinking that much though?  Strange.  I have cut it to half a cup... half a twelve ounce cup?  It seems like two gallons would make more?  Dunno, but... there it sits, at the moment.

Did go through my phone, emptied history from calls and texts, save those lines I wish to keep.  A lot of junk.  I put those who are creeps into Junk files, then deny the whole file access.  Plus, lately, with the V.A. trying to get buggers, or those they think are such, to sign up for sharing and caring hour, won't take no for an answer, I have the phone set to deny access to any but those on my list.  They can leave a message, most don't.  For obvious reasons.  And, yes, it keeps the idiots from asking if I feel sad about stupid shit.   *grins*  

Though some "company" has been leaving information that suggests my request to get debt relief has gone through.  Of course, I have made no such request.  Cannibals of some sort or other, to be sure.  Scalpers.  Even if I could get such, I wouldn't.  I'll... pay off my debts.  Now, if they would pay off my house?  :p  Hey, gotta admit, I'd... think about that.  But, honestly, I don't need it.  Of course, I am pretty sure, any such thing would see me losing my house, or something else.  No thank you.

Back to gaming.  Good evening, night, day.   

Up and Adam?

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Or so the story goes.  Called the V.A., to set some things up.  A blood test and medicine pick up, on the same day, hopefully.  Get the scripts filled, and have them waiting for me.  And, I go in, get blood tested, and we go from there.  Apparently the doc seems to think the appointment will be in person.  He is sadly mistaken.  They are still wearing masks.  I won't be there.  He'll call or not.

Then I called my mom.  A goodly little bit of information on offer.  More adding to my prayer list, nothing to share out.  If it's... minor, or more personal, it is mine.  Nothing fancy, or bad, just a few minor worries is all.  But, she sounded chipper.  Got a day to rest most of today, and she was awake and ready, and had just been thinking about me.  So, it... was a good call.

Oh, yesterday, I received... what was it?  Ah, 42 calls from nobody I knew nor with whom I'd wish to speak.  Most were listed as spam.  I had my do-no-disturb function on, which doesn't let anyone call who isn't in my digital rolodex.  Voter surveys and the press gangs for both sides.  Nope.  And I didn't vote, if you don't know.  Why?  Trump pretty much did it on his own, the locals aren't of any interest or import, most of the repugnants seem to be on the side they pays them and their real constituents the best payout and bugger the rest of us and anything like morality or ethics...  And, with vote stealing, it isn't as if it matters.  They'll steal just enough and repugnants will let them, for their share of a pie they will publicly cry over being split out.  No thank you.  I'm not into playing pretend.

I'll vote for Trump, if he runs again.  That's it.  The rest can go bugger off.  They don't need my vote to win, probably baked into the corruption at this point.  Gotta be a Generals, to the Globetrotters.  How... appropriate, actually.  But, yeah, both teams get paid from the same ticket, at this point.  No.

It looks to have snowed just a bit.  Might still be, wasn't awake enough to quite make myself notice.  The ground isn't fully covered, just frosted in the smaller part on the whole.  Rained much of the last few days.  Not a bad thing.  Sounds like my mother and them are bracing for, potentially, there first storm sooner.  All good.  It's that time of year.  Well... on to things.  I brushed my teeth, took blood sugar which was high (I think I forgot slow acting insulin last night).  Ugh.  Later.

Never sure.

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Mockery, sympathy, curse, empathy, blessing, or else?  But, I think I can recognize response when I see it.  Not sure how they do it, but... do... follow trends, see footprints, smell traps and lures.  Mostly just enjoy, for goof or ill.  Hmm... yes, I... do see.  I don't always get the whole point, but I do get some point.  Maybe that is all, maybe it's a part.  You see.  There were others, but I eliminated anything that might have been from my own recent digital footprint backtracking.

Now I can sleep.

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Blood sugar did lift.  Higher than intended, but still well below 200.  Not... bad.  It is 167, to be precise.  Not sure how it dipped earlier, but... okay.  If I get a dip like that again, I will only take six candies, of either sort.  Probably trying the different ones at different times, to see which is more efficacious.  I just... had to raise blood sugar before bedtime.  There is nothing more awful than barely being able to crawl, and nearly literally crawling down the steps to try to find sugar, or carbs, or... anything.  Not being able to think clearly, or function well.  Shaking so hard getting candy out of a package is complicated.

I think I have done that in the water before.  Went too deep, while not... paying as close of attention as I should have.  It's, also, a lot like shock... physical trauma shock.  I know that one exceedingly well.  Enough to remember the sensations.  Hmm, actually, I'll take some candies upstairs.  Keep them in my medical pack.  Try to forget they are there, but have a trigger memory, in case I need it.  Yes, that... works... sometimes.

Goodnight.  Oh, best get slow acting insulin taken.  Later.

How very strange.

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Eating candy, tonight.  More.  I was sure my blood sugar would be blown.  But I started to feel... strange, in... a not good way.  Blood sugar felt like it was falling.  Knowing that couldn't be the case, I checked blood sugar.  It is 82?  While not... dangerously low.  It is hedging that way.  So... more candy?  It's what I have got.

I'll try six pieces of each, and a glass of kefir.  Then water for two hours after I finish those.  Then I'll test again.  This is very strange.  And, I have cut my slow acting insulin, and am taking a lot less fast acting.  Very... very strange.  Meh.  Later.

The last of the chicken.

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Oh, what wonderful chicken.  A can of peas as well.  Done perfectly, this time and last.  That time it came out raw, that... didn't, still doesn't, make sense.  No worries.

The mints came in today.  Said they were here, not on the front stoop.  Almost never deliver to the back door.  But it was, is, raining.  So, I... checked.  Indeed.  The good thing about China being shut down is US candy is... actually being made in the US?  These mints aren't fake brand name, it's the real thing.  And it shows.

Yes, yes, I had to try some.  So much better when made it America.  Who knows what the Chinese, Vietnamese, or others, put in there.  It isn't real mint.  Maybe it isn't even real or all sugar.  Again, I am... having to taste, then ease myself off.  Put them away, hid them, but... that isn't doing it.  Bleh.  But... I... think I am done with them.

Kefir, with dinner, and a fatted coffee and water.  I'll have something else to eat or a fatted coffee in a bit, and another kefir.  Then just water for the rest of the night.  In about two hours.  I'll check my blood sugar first.  Then adjust as needed.  Magic?  Maybe.  But, I do have things, in case blood sugar crashes, so... back to the grind.

Oh, and... lovely rebuttals.  Some brutal?  Not sure how things are meant.  I'll... consider sharing.  Before too long.  Or later.  Or much later.  Or... not.  I don't know.  Well, I'll share a few.  Though, not certain if these are from recent plays, my own tracks, or other psychic debris from more recent events, or responses... but... a few.  I have a list that are all, pretty much, new... or rather dated from use or viewing held in waiting, for a maybe.  Ah, here.

How do they do that?

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Punch up music, before... it's due.  I noticed, but didn't look, until... I thought a bit more about it.  A darkness?  Love, and war and friendship and peace... these can all be dark.  Or... you can see beyond the dark?  I... can.  I have to.  For there is so much more.  Still, I'll... show, not tell.  See if you see what I see?  Or... take the hints?

Wonderful?

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Well, a wonderful headache.  Full-bodied, seriously uncomfortable, from the spine at the base of my neck through to the frontal lobe on twelve threads of hurt.  Nostrils were clogged this morning, part of it.  A bloody nose in one this morning.  Better than the last few days.  I have been having double bloody noses for a week now, on waking.  Sometimes lasting hours.

Whatever.  I stripped the bed, so as to remake the blankets tonight.  I was wrestling with them all night.  Mostly successfully though.  I never felt too cold.

Dreams, lots of them.

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In the first one, my last ex showed up in a van, while I was upstairs sleeping.  Blaring rap music.  Thankfully, she cut it as soon as she stopped and was getting out.  Yes, in her younger days, she would have done such a thing.  Probably doesn't even ever listen to the music, just knows I hate it.  Would have to have borrowed the cd.  Wench.

Strange things.

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First, when I tried to reheat, and finish, the chicken it ended up taking nearly an hour!  It just wouldn't cook to finish.  I had it at 415.  Oh well.  

Then, I... must admit, I had to try the candy.  Three tabs, 15 carbs, 5 per.  Shouldn't be a problem.  And, really, it wasn't a problem.  It's the other twenty or so?  I don't know.  I finally had to hide them away, and even than, as I pass, I... have to think away.  And do.  Still, I was sure my blood sugar would be astronomical.  Nope.  I can live with a 110.  And, that is with several glasses of kefir, plus the chicken and a can of beats, plus the candy.  

Okay.  But... that's the lowest it has been in some time of trying.  I... don't think my anatomy is... typical?  Or kefir really helps.  Very strange.

However, I am hungry again.  Not... of body?  My spirit, or mind, or... something... is asking for more food.  I'm heating another piece of chicken.  I'll have that, take night dose of slow acting insulin, and off to bed.  Though... it'll... be a bit.  I sure like that candy.  Though, really, I consume it rather slowly.  A piece can take... five minutes or more to finish.  Maybe it is the new candies that are more the problem?  Dunno, but...  Though it does worry me as to dealing with low blood sugar.  Will that work fast enough?  Ugh.  Later, or goodnight actually, more like.

Ah, something about cooking.

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Well, and baking.  And... a number of other forms of heating while combining foods.

Non-stick coatings, of almost any kind, are at best merely reduces fertility.  Not... a good thing.  But, if you are beyond fertility, it does increase the risk for cancer.  Remember when the conspiracy theorists were telling you that about cigarettes and tobacco in general?  You... all knew.  You ignored.  Fair enough.  It's probably the same with this.  Most of you do know.  But, it's easier to just keep using.  They are light, seemingly easy to clean, don't take any skill to use...  I'm telling you, if you are younger, want children, don't use those pans.

If you do ignore that advice, then make sure to change them every few years.  They begin to break down, even if they don't look like it.  Which means those items, such as waffle makers?  With teflon plates?  Are toxic as hell after a few years.  And, with the vaxx?  Double your money, raised to the i.  I suppose, until lawyers are allowed to sue for it, nothing will change.  But that only happens when the makers and sellers show they are mostly conservative (for... whatever that means at times, really).  But, if they are mixed bag, or all liberal, they are untouchable... for now.

I have learned to cook with stainless and high-carbon.  It... takes some practice.  It takes more fats.  But, if I can do it, anyone can do it.  I no longer worry about my food, so much.  Cooking, mostly, from fresh.  Cooking in right cookery.  Cooking using ingredients I am sure aren't from China, or filled with chemicals as much as possible.  I'll die, I just won't die because someone slowly poisoned me, probably on purpose.  I do wonder how many of these companies are truly Satanic, at this time... or... whichever demon they do worship (or "old god", same difference usually).

So, when I show these videos, I have to comment.  Don't do as they show, do as you should.  Avoid non-stick.  Use stainless, high-carbon steel, or cast iron, the latter is better for women as it offers iron into their food, something many women are sorely deprived... for their womanly issues.

I just had to clear that.  I hate when I see them, and it's all of them, using bad cookery to make otherwise good food.  It would be like watching a French chef do his work, then piss in it before serving.  Something... evil about it.  But... it is y.t.  They want to reduce carbon emissions, though only of one sort.  Look in the mirror.  You are their target.  Or they wouldn't have pushed industry to China, India, Vietnam, and other places so corrupt, incompetent, and outright evil where these things are completely destroying their lands and people.  No, they just want people gone, and while wine (the slow decay over time) is fine, whisky (the fast and exceptionally exploitive methods of strip mining, and else) are quicker.  And they are into quickness.

So... there.  Later.

Kefir!

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Back on the menu.  I miss that when it isn't in stock, for any reason.  Even a few days.  So a few months was tight.  Months?  Weeks?  Whatever.  If you ever get hooked on this, or raw yogurt, you'll know what I mean.  I never thought I'd like something more than cola, or beer.  But, there it is.

I'll probably just have a chicken hindquarter for supper tonight.  Nothing fancy, but the last ones have turned out superior, even as leftovers.  More so when I only partly cook them, then finish them when going to eat again.  Perhaps with beats?  Green beans?  Corn?  Who knows.  Something like that.  Oh, and I do like to have a bit of kefir with meals.  It makes them... go down easier, and through.  Something magical about that stuff.

I really want to cube some pork, or beef, cheap cuts.  And soak those in the kefir overnight.  Just... to see... then bake it, or even stew it altogether.  Some India indians do that, and a lot of M.E.ers too.  It tenderizes cheaper cuts.  But that... is... a good thing.  It is a way to use all the meat without losing quality.  Spending time, and less expensive elements, to combine to a better meal.  Lamb, goat, chicken, for sure.  They don't have much beef over there, but some.  I just haven't seen it done that way for beef.  And, I think they mostly use yogurt, more than kefir.  Though I am not sure they have kefir, so much.  Have had trouble finding the recipe, or the idea fleshed out well, in English.  But I have eaten the food often enough to know it exists, and is very common.  Odd.

Gaming.  Can barely stay awake, so it's about what I can do.  Ugh.  I'll... keep trying, to dig out, get some things done, and more.  But... it's... difficult.  Later.

A bit of a mix at waking.

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Too early?  I think so.  To bed sometime after four, but as late as six?  I started heading to bed at fourish.  It... takes a while.  Sometimes I fail to check the time, sometimes I forget it, not sure which it was at bedtime this morning.  I went up to make the bed, a bit after that last post, then just melted into it after I was finished.  For as much as I don't like sleep, I sure like sleep!  :)

Oh, when I do those " :) "'s, and such?  I... am replicating what I am literally doing.  Not... giving you cues for yourself.  Just expressing.  If you were curious.

Anyway.  Up at around noon thirtyish.  It just seems a short sleep.  Dreams?  A mix.  No fighting!  I... needed some time off.  Got it, to the best of knowledge.  But dream I did.

In the first dream, a mixture of mother nature and poor human planning lead to a... what could have been... mild tweak of a few city blocks in some major city.  But, being what people are, often, in such places, and these times, it... got worse.  From gawkers who went looking for problems... not to solve, but to take selfies with... yea...  Crispy critters.  All the warnings were there, but they... something about handing a camera to some people, and they think it will keep them safe?

And, of course, the predators who go looking for anything free and easy.  Whites seem to just put up with them, right to murder and rape.  Just keep their heads down and hope they aren't the ones picked for the cull.  But, when they smell blood in the water, they come out to hunt.  And hunt they did.

Well, and of course a mayor, of the special people, who couldn't figure out how to solve a riddle, let alone a minor technical problem, and didn't have people on her payroll who could either, but didn't really care anyway, leading the charge to further the disaster.  Hey, there might be federal dollars coming, from which to pluck bounty.

That dream was ended by sirens.  It sounded like cops, two at first, but only one as it passed?  Perhaps part of the dream, or just some sort of echo thing going on.  Not sure.  But it was whizzing by.

Then, I dreamed I was on the flight, on 9/11, that went down in a field?  The guys, in my dream, just planned to rush the cockpit, without any real plan other than to wrestle through.  While I was not allowed to help them, I was allowed to council them.

My plan was to wrestle the hijackers out.  Not to worry about getting cut, if avoid that.  But understand you may well get cut, just man through it.  Grab, grapple, pull, and displace the hijackers.  They, in the dream, didn't have a plan but to fight through.  City people, paper workers, no clues.  Pull, get them out, keep doing it.  It... still wasn't enough, fast enough.  But... at least they had more of a chance than a bum rush into a wall of cutters.

Cat food and candy has arrived.  I am trying it.  Yankeetraders candies.  I... thought they used to have a good name.  Supposed to be made in the US.  But, who knows or believes anything printed these days.  And, the company was probably bought out and is in some monster anti-American conglomerate these days.  Still, it was a better thing, as far as I could tell.

Licorice, black licorice, hard candy.  Three... which is about fifteen carbs.  And?  Passes my muster.  And will do just find for hard sugar drops.  On the plus side, these are so hard, I won't be as tempted to hit them up just for... pure pleasure.  It... takes a bit to get through one.  Perfect!  I may order several others to keep in stores.  Not bad things to have in emergencies, for gifts in such times, and for my needs.  The have a whole line to choose from, including lemon and half a dozen or more other flavors.  Yes, I... think I will stock up on some of their products.

Well... on to the day.  Blood sugar, before the candy, was 179.  That is with beef and beans two nights in a row, to help stabilize blood sugar a bit higher, until candy arrived.  Now I can... work a little bit tighter, with insulin.  A mistake won't be so... difficult.  Or as difficult to manage.  Still mess me up for a few days, but... so be it.  Later.

Mostly on time.

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I lost track.  By the time I was eating, it was 03:03 (why start with the zero, to differentiate am/pm and 24 hour... in 24 hour, 3:03 am is written as 03:03, if sometimes I forget or don't bother).  Still, while not absolutely within the one hour range of 02:00, plus or minus an hour, it was close enough as I call things.

Beef and beans, with mozzarella and the last of the creme fraiche.  I'll make more next week.  Given how well it lasts, and how easy it is, I'll probably make a whole quart of the stuff next week, or nearly.  I am probably going with two to three tablespoons of kefir grains and the quart of cream, minus about a cup?  To give room to ferment.  I'll just add that into my coffee a few days, then do the kefir grain addition to the remainder.

Oh, I may have figured out why it seems so cool.  When I woke, I tore my bed apart, and set the mattresses up to air, plus turned the fan on.  When it is colder, the fan on will pull heat up.  Still, it's worth it.  I have really been enjoying having cleaner bedding.  Aired out weekly, not sure it really needs to be hung outside quarterly, but probably still will do that.  My nose is clearer, in the morning.  And, with bedding being remade every few days at most, blankets changed as to which is closest to me, that really adds to it.

I may just go up, a bit early, and reset the bed.  Both so I can then turn the fan off, and so that, when I go to bed, I don't have to wrestle with it right then.  Nice to be able to just go up, fold the blankets down, and slip in without note or fuss.  Life is good that way.  Though, often, I am too tired, or don't remember.  Until I get up there and... there I am.  Either do it or, what, sleep on the literal floor?  Blah.

I have been doing really well at keeping up on that.  Usually between Friday and Sunday it gets done.  Only once, that I can remember, did I fail until a Tuesday?  I thought of just letting it go to the next weekend, but, no... I'll do it when I realize.  I am quite pleased with that project.  Not sure how I can keep that up, and not other projects, but... take what you can get.

Gaming is good.  Just... eating time.  Too cool for me to do much else.  Winter is closing in.  My body is shutting down, with that.  All good though.  Not quite a true hibernation, but probably closer to it than some might imagine.  It used to be much closer to an actual hibernation, but that was... damned dangerous.  Just didn't have much choice.  Still don't.  Later.  Or goodnight. 

The tshirt helped?

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Well, right until it didn't.  Got a bit too cool, cold almost.  Was busy playing the game, didn't notice until I could barely press the buttons on the controller.  Took a break to put on my housecoat, and come in here two post something.  It's only 70 in here, but that is two degrees warmer.  Hoping the housecoat will help.  Will put the long sleeve tshirt back on if not.

Perhaps tea?  Trying to have something that won't add to carb load, blood sugar, or else.  Tea would do.  Hot, of course.  Hmm, I'll get the water heating for that.  Done.  Have to watch green tea, more than three to five minutes blooming and it can get a might bitter.

I thought about chicken, but only want one meal, today, since at least one meal needs to be carby.  So, I'll just go with one.  Beef and beans, with mozzarella cheese.  The lettuce is done.  I left cheddar out, and it went.  So... work with what you have, innit.  But, I don't want it too soon.  Or I'll get hungry again before too long.  I'm thinking... around 02:00?  Give or take an hour.  Then try to get to bed by 05:00 at the latest, earlier if possible.  Yeah.

I try to think everything through.  And, do, actually.  Think it through.  Practicum and theory don't always work their way into reality, they only, at times, offer possibilities for that.  Or, as other say, a plan is great, but rarely survives first contact.  That goes even for the finest.  This I know.  Still, it's the plan.  And, while I may not be able to pull it off exactly, I... should be able to pull it of close enough.  Dinner earlier, for example, and going without or going to sleep earlier as well.  Who... ever... exactly... knows though?

Some argues God knows.  I know He doesn't, about such things.  He knows the final score, just not how we will work it out to that score.  If He knew, we would call Him Satan, not God.  Not... that Satan knows, only that he pretends to, and if he had the power, would attempt to create the score.  God has left that to us, or you?  Decisions.  Which... means... He really doesn't know what any single individual will decide to do, or actually do.  He's... praying for you though.  Oh, yes, He is.  Your choice, always.  And it comes right down to every man, woman, and to a degree child.

If it weren't so, then predestination, right to who is going to heaven and hell, would already be written in stone, and there would be no... need... to do other than what blind want would lead one.  That is rejected in every aspect of faith I know, believe I understand, and am seeking more regarding.  God simply won't require us to follow or believe.  Nor to be sinless, or do right.  At this point, it is pure choice.  Patient, that One.  More patient than Lucifer, by far.

Anyway...  I have things to do.  Oh, tea water should be warm enough.  Now to add it, let it steep.  A Japanese green.  Not one of my favorites, but not a bad tea.  Different.  Actually, I... don't care for it.  But am... working on that.  It's how I do.  It adds a bit of humility into my life, something I am dearly seeking to embrace.  I... think, in part, that is why God has me still alive.  He has asked me to seek humility.  And, so, I do.  In the oddest of ways.  But... so be it.  Or, amen, if you will.  Good evening.  Later.

Down twelve hours?

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Or eight?  Depends on which clock I looked at when going to bed.  One of them was very off.  Perhaps the batteries are going?  Not only did it go the wrong way with daylight savings, it went the wrong way three more times.  And more.  It was reading 01:30 at 17:30 this evening.  I have reset it, will see if it keeps dropping.  Change the batteries if so.  It's only a few years old, but is Chinese.  Actually exceptional, to be honest, in other aspects.  But for $15, I'd expect a bit more longevity.  We'll see.

Fasting blood sugar is 170, it was 165 when I went to bed.  Ate carb heavy, though, and on purpose, so that I wouldn't drop, crash, my blood sugar eating mainly keto.  This was.. planned.  I just hoped it would be less than 250.  Check!  Candy should arrive Monday.  Then I can push more keto and tow the line a little closer without fear of having to dig through for something to keep from passing out into a diabetic coma.  The brain doesn't work really well when the floor tries to come up at you.

Death... itself... isn't a... bad thing.  But, I... have a responsibility, at this time.  The life granted me isn't... mine?  It... is a duty, a responsibility.  Captain, on this ship of fools?  I... like that intimation.  It is fitting, right, true.  But, it's... my job now.  For I can do no other.  So... so I will manage these things to the best of my ability, even through the pains, suffering.

Wrestling, all night.  With who, or what, I cannot say.  All night.  Sore, from it.  As if I just went through a meet, having to wrestle four or five times through the day.  Drained, sore, weary.  Win?  Lose?  Draw?  I... don't know.  I never quit.  Couldn't?  Didn't?  Wouldn't?  Yes, and... no.  Still, better than the machete night.  That was... a bit rough.  Rougher anyway.

I believe I will have beef and beans again tonight.  Just to keep blood sugar slightly elevated.  Won't eat much more.  A few fatted coffees and water, otherwise nil?  Maybe some peanuts.  Trying to manage blood sugar otherwise, though, keeping it lower, until supper.

So warm though.  I thought blood sugar must surely be higher.  Almost a fever, in behind my face bones... you know what I mean?  Wearing a long sleeve hoodie, longjohns, heavier pj's, socks, and shoes.  Had a robe on too.  But those are normal, lately.  Makes 57 to 71 seem warm enough.  Well, and the beard.  I think the beard has done more for cool weather warmth than anything I have ever tried.  It makes being on medicine a bit more tolerable in the cooler weather.  Normally, lower blood sugar makes me more susceptible to the cold.  I'll try a short sleeve t, and skip the housecoat for now.

Well... on to gaming... maybe a fatted coffee to help kick things off, and a short sleeve t.  I keep praying, thanking God for what I do have, hoping what I can do is enough.  Asking Him to push me along, if it isn't, or at least let me know.  Still surprised He hasn't called me home, but that's His choice.  Now worries about my resistance.  If He wants me home, I'll... get there.  No doubts about that.  Later.

Hmm, yea.

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Bedtime.

I did get the burger fried up, and some added to beans.  I haven't checked blood sugar since.  Nor will I.  Time to take some slow acting insulin and go on up.

I don't know.  Things are odd.  Mostly don't hurt.  Sleeping okay.  If sleeping and waking patterns are twisted and twisting further.  I'll do my best.

At least I have been checking on mom.  Taking care of Sassy.  Even mostly doing well with my needs.  Not so much wants, but... that's not possible anyway.

Goodnight.  Sleep well.  Keep me in your prayers.  Warm thoughts and well wishes.  Be well, dry, warm, and right. 

Positively top chicken.

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I must admit, given healthy, clean, right, fresh chicken, and I can make a proper meal of it.  Without brining, since it was definitely fresh, the skin was much crisper.  Chicken bacon.  And the meat was tender, juicy, delicate, and rich.  The spices were just right.  I would call it mildly warm.  You, if you are normal, would probably call it hot.  Then again, to be fair... to you... I can't always taste jalapeno.  Though some of it is warmer than... what it's rating would suggest.  Peppers are an odd thing.

Gaming since.  Not... much else.  Well, Sassy has been being fed and tended.

Oh, I had peanuts earlier.  A lot of them.  So I took a medium-small dose of fast acting insulin.  Though, at the lower fasting blood sugar, the small amount I really ate, and that chicken and spinach are keto, especially they way they were fixed and served, I didn't take a second dose with supper proper.

I was starting to feel odd, as if, maybe, blood sugar was high.  I don't, generally, get a tell for that.  Though, sometimes, certain complaints go along with it.  Anyway, so I decided to check.  Nope.  Blood sugar is 95.  That is actually a bit unnerving.  Lower than I like it, especially after a bigger meal.  I ended up eating not just the thigh, but the drumstick too.  And the whole can of spinach.  Further, I don't have any candy, or else, lying around.  To boost blood sugar if I hit a problem.  Hmm, honey somewhere?  Molasses and maple syrup too?  I... think so.  I suppose a tea to tablespoon of any of those might work.

Whatever.  I may head on to bed shortly.  Cool out there, almost getting to cold.  Wouldn't want to be out in it.  And, when I closed the downstairs door yesterday, it got down to 53 upstairs.  Though, keeping the door open, it got back up to 57 to 59, somewhere in there.  Comfortable, for me.  Good to be a bear.  The beard is definitely a plus, now that I can tolerate it, without nearly digging my face off for the itch.  It'll come off in the summer though.  Ugh.

Well... what else could I eat?  Hmm... I want to cook up the burger.  I could portion some of that out, and add beans.  Currently, would rather have it slightly too high than too low.  Oh, and I did cut the slow acting insulin down to 40 cc's.  See how that works.  Odd, how cutting is still... doing strange things, like crashing the blood sugar.  I'm eating what I always eat.  Though, perhaps, if I hadn't lowered it, it would have actually crashed, not be hinting at it?  Later.