The Math.

I really do enjoy doing the problems. I cannot honestly say I am learning new things. At this point, I am taking everything I have learned about math and putting it together in a (sometimes) neat little package. There are a few new things, but mostly, I learned all of this material already. Often when I “learn” something “new”, it is just something I forgot. Though honestly, you could not keep all of this in your mind at any one time, consciously. I have come to the realization that much of what I do, I do without a thought. When or if I should stop to think about the more complicated problems, during the solution process, I probably would not be able to do them. So, how does one ever know what they really know? Testing is the only way, I suppose.

I meant to call my neighbor to see how the hunt went. I am excited in hopes that it was a good hunt. I decided to check my mail a bit ago, and thought that might also be a good time to visit and talk, but it looks like they have gone to bed. It was early, but they started their day quite early. I will post a report when I find out. As well, I will see if there are any future hunts planned. Even if I keep having difficulty, if I get one more hunt in at least, I would be a little happier I think. Well, back to math!

Into the depths of derivatives, with nary but a pen and paper.

I was supposed to go duck and goose hunting today. I slept most of yesterday, and parts of last night. I was supposed to wake up at 4:00 am. After speaking with my neighbor, I rested as I could, but just could not make the cutoff. So, I didn’t end up going. Actually, I just woke up at 4:00pm. *sigh* I really wanted to get out there too. I want a freezer full of the birds, for several reasons. First, it’s good food, in my opinion. Second, it is fun to hunt my own food. I know where it came from. But I think more, it is good to get out with “the guys” and do wholesome things, talk about life, get outdoors, and shoot. Put altogether, that is a whole ball of wax that any man who endeavors to be a gentleman could easily see as being right.

I am hoping the group goes again. With as busy as people are these days, it is difficult to know. Most of these guys are both family guys and working their way through various levels of rather involved academic pursuits, with complicated requirements associated with, yet aside from, their academic endeavors, beside their family situations. I am not sure how they do it, but it seems to be working and is neat to watch. In any case, it makes outings a bit of a rarity.

I am going to try and get some of my schoolwork reviewed. I have ten units to cover. Most of this I have mastered, in a stepwise manner. Putting it all together and testing on it is another thing. That takes concentration, awareness, and confidence. All of which have been flagging. At least I did better on the quiz than I had anticipated. Though not stellar, I did receive a 7.7 out of 10. It was very difficult because my mind could not see, and thus could not relax and “just do it”. I do not think I will be able to do more, say pick up on physics at least to help my partner in calculus study physics too, currently, so this has become it. However, I have some hope that I will be able to pull this off. I do know I know, and that is a start. I do know I am doing whatever else I can to be successful. That is not bad. I would actually like to do one test without error. On each test, that is my goal. Off to the book mine I go, pen and paper in hand.

Little time, much to do.

I have made a dozen decisions today which will be implemented over a period of months. The first decision was implemented today. I asked for the keys to my place back from my “girl friend”. She had been allowed to use my washer and drier on the proviso that she do some work around the house while she was doing her laundry. Actually, I have been paying for her cell phone, which also was supposed to be remunerated via housework. I have received nothing in the way of work done. As well, though she was welcome to my larder, should she need, she was not given free rein to just take whatever whenever. Either she has been or someone else is getting into my apartment. Neither would surprise me, so, the keys are no longer in her possession and I am making the locking of my door an art. The windows will show if they are being entered. I did it, as well, in such a manner that would not allow her to make copies before returning keys. This woman is not to be trusted. A typical feminist, she is equal until she needs, then she does whatever she wants, yet somehow convinces herself she is still equal to good men. Maybe to my eastern neighbors, where her equality is obvious (they also have no morals, so I am quite sure they believe in equality as well, and take, push, and threaten to get what they want within that type of equality). She just did not understand that friendship is a two way street, and perhaps that all she was and would ever be is a friend. Perhaps in spite of her turning down my marriage request (while I was weak and stupid) and me moving out (which, oddly, surprised her), that she no longer had relationship claims to me or mine. She knows now, however, how it works.

Beyond, I probably will not be taking physics. I think one of my commenters suggested that physics might not be the thing to advance in the lead up to an away time. Yeah, ok, I see it. Though, that isn’t the real reason. It would have been a monumental struggle against a system weighted against me. Even if I can do the material, with a great deal of struggle, I realize I will never get there. I would need to reassess my level of competency in several areas and take a few lesser courses to gain skill in certain areas, physics for sure. I am sadly behind the cue ball on this and am too tired to really fight my way through another timed course. I am running out of energy in calculus, so that even though I am getting the material, mastering it even, it is going to be a nightmare to finish well. I am exhausted, day and night, after and before sleeping, and cannot get restful sleep no matter what I do. I realize I might be able to overcome one of those obstacles, but not both. It is time to just start figuring out how to survive. The money could be put to better use on outdoor gear, the time could better be spent in the field, the energy I can maintain must be spent wisely, as something is shorting my system, leaving me with too little energy and when it goes is never certain.

I will probably getting off the internet in the next few months as well. I cannot keep my computer clean. The software I have does not seem to be up to the task (Zone Alarm Security Suite, kept up-to date, with spy-ware, anti-virus, and firewall all optimized to the best of my ability and functioning, along with MS’s firewall (they do work together, apparently)). So, I am getting out of the whole ball of wax. I can tell my machine isn’t under my control yet cannot find what has taken over or is using it. Best to know when you are licked and just get out.

That does not leave a lot of hope. And, I am not really happy about these realizations. But, as a man, I have to realize life and reality are hard and true. I need to go ‘retire’ somewhere away from this Godless place, find some peace, and just roll on until I finally, graciously, am allowed to go to the only place that will ever be home for me. In some way, this is a relief. I know I did what I could. I know that, barring anything else, I do not fit in this world.

Truth be told, I would rather die being mauled by a bear or falling out of a tree or down a mountain than to slowly eat poison handed out in Social Medicine™ Nursing Homes (coming to your community, soon). Unless, of course, they really do intend to eat the old, visa vie Soylent Green. It will probably be a quick sharp whack to the head, which seems nice and painless. Hey, if the atheists (think socialists, communists) do gain rule, and she is well on her way, simply understand that they consider us animals. If that becomes the law, long pig will no longer just be for socializing, it will be the next “What’s for dinner, ah, meatloaf surprise.” Just ask the North Korean’s for sure, probably the Vietnamese, most likely most such nation’s peoples.

Exhausted.

Well, my brain is working again. I was pretty much able to pick up yesterdays class material, in class. Do I still have trouble solving certain things, yes, but it’s the same old same old that has, is, and will beat me up every time I work on it. Oh, and it should not. I really need to sit down and think about the problem sets, do a couple dozen hundred of them, and get over it, but… Anyway, so my brain is back in my back pocket, but I am still crazy tired. I am hoping this does not mess up my class attendance, test times, and things. Also threatened is my capacity to study. I may really have gotten good at this stuff, but I have to study the new and old material, do the homework, and go over odds and ends when I can (like the above mentioned techniques, which I just have not found time or material in order to improve).

Life has become just school, again, but this time it is not 18 hour days, it is 6 hours here, 8 to 14 hours of sleep, a few hours there, a nap, etc. I still have not set out the sun lamp, but I have not had the time to set up the area by arranging my study area, and getting the lamp out, figuring out how to power it on top of the rest of my life, such as it is. I am hoping I will be able to get that done this week. I would be doing it today, but I just woke up and promised my study partner I would pick up some trees his wife purchased and deliver them. After which, we will study for the next test (next Wednesday). We have 10 units in this chapter, some of them offering rather involved techniques. I have promised Saturday to goose hunting (though I have not heard a peep about it since) and maybe a pumpkin patch hay ride thing to my lady friend. *sigh* Shoot me now? hehe Nah, it is good, just seems too busy while I am becoming less able to be active. When it rains it pours, they say.

Oh, I caught that bit about Ellen Degeneres. I still read the news, some small amount. Most of it the same as yesterday, one or two things seems interesting for this or that reason. I do agree, she seems quite sad about her situation. Is she sad about her part in the whole thing or only the egg on her face? I keep wondering, if the woman who has the dog now gets killed, but the family gets the dog back, will Ellen care? Does she realize what she has done? Does she not know she has endangered a woman’s life because she does not feel the need to obey rules? I do not know her, so I do not know. I do know that the rich and powerful often seem to care more about getting their way then about actual right or wrong. So, at a minimum, I am dubious. Even if the woman gives the dog back under threat, where is the fairness in that? Either way, the woman may never be safe because of Degeneres.

Hmmm, how does this work?

I guess I am out of touch. I would not have thought this, myself. I laugh at my reflection, if I have a reaction. This one must have been written by a 10 year old, or Ph.D.

You Are Scary

You even scare scary people sometimes!

How Scary Are You?

I fell down, again.

Yesterday, in class, we had a quiz. I had studied. I was prepared. But I could not seem to uncross my eyes, focus, and do the work. I have mastered the material, so it was not that. I simply could not force (or coax or cajole) myself to function. As such, I could not see to answer part of the first problem and then could not tell what I was to do or if I was doing things correctly on the rest of the quiz. This is very disconcerting. I have been taking my meds (and I even drank a bucket of coffee) trying to gear up. I usually will not drink coffee (or that much for sure), but I could tell I was seriously flagging early on the morning before the quiz. After the quiz, we went over a bit of new material that is not reiterated old stuff. Honestly, it was easy material, but again, my mind could not be brought to bear on the topics at hand. In study last night, I could not solve my name! Yet, I struggled on, tried to follow my study partner’s work, used a calculator to check some basic ideas, and struggled through a few problems that way.

I am still in the intellectual dumpster. However, I was able to go over the first new group of techniques and work them out. I still have another group to cover, and I really have not mastered what I have covered. I am making many errors (minor math and algebra errors, mostly, but not limited therein). At least I can manually, without the calculator usually, find my difficulty(ies). It is still comparable to doing sprints with legs that have fallen asleep. As well, after 3 to 4 hours of study, I am needing a nap! I slept well and long last night, but I was exhausted this morning and remain so.

The weather, here, has been dark. It isn’t so much just cloudy as wintery. The threat is almost of snow or freezing rain. The sun is not out, and even should it happen to come out, it is not capable of dowsing me in happy radiation at this time of year. I suspect this is a larger part of the thing. I have decided to try a sun-lamp this year. I think now might be the time to do so since medicine and coffee aren’t touching it.

On the bright side, I have been doing what I can to get going with physics. I have ordered a load of books. I should have at least 8-10,000 problems, split across the various topics of undergraduate physics, with instruction and commentary, and divided again in levels from pre-calculus physics to engineering calculus based physics II. I stayed away from “educational books” and stuck with books that work. I have two college physics books, expensive and well worth their educational weight in saw-dust. *sigh* Hey, at least I do not have a girlfriend to hate me for the “wasted” time, “wasted money”, or anything.

I am going to trying something new this year. I ordered a half lamb (it will not be a pet;). I have really enjoyed fixing or ordering lamb meals in the last few years, but it has been an occasional item. If this works, I may be able to have it a bit more often and just begin ordering half of a not-to-be-pet lamb a year. I went with heart, leg roasts, other roast, chops, stew meat, and some ground meat. I’ll have to let you know how that works out. But this and the first shipment of physics books (arriving today, if the tracking system is correct) are keeping me from becoming too glum in spite of having fallen down again. And, I have some hope that I may be able to recover in time for the next test, in a week and a day. I guess it is good to know that there really is not a lot I can do about my condition. When I am not only moving forward but following the doctors orders and wholly trying and I still fall hard, I understand more fully my actual situation. It just reaffirms that it is not up to me, which if freeing is frustrating. And, it's more challenging! Ok, some challenges stink. This is one of them. But I am trying to be positive here.