Well, a bit going on.

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I will start laundry shortly, and consider setting a new soak on the pots, pans, and dishes I soaked last night.  When stuff dries on it takes a bit to undo that.  Hmm, I might gather a few more things for this soak as well, smaller things like utensils and a few glasses.  First though, a bit of a start on laundry.  Small loads mean it takes longer to do the sum but in discrete packages from the drier that don't weary me too quickly.  Well, and I can also be a bit more specific regarding what is washed together.  Unlike most, I like a bit of a mix of types of clothing and materials, so that I get outfits out of the drier, not just shirts or pants/shorts or underwear.  No choice with some whites, I just don't have much of those.  Oh, come now.  If you change your breeches daily they are in no worse condition than the rest.  Urhm, you... you do change your shorts daily, at the least, right?  *cough*

road weary

I did set up a stop on the way to D.C.'s abode.  He suggested another place but that would have stretched a thirteen and a half hour drive at least another hour, plus the prices I could find at the place he suggested took the price up 150%, at the least.  There was one lodge I could not find a price for, but with a street number of 666.  Yeah...  I think I'll stay where I am staying and just drive a bit more in the early dark if need be.  I also looked into insulin.  That travels fine, generally without cooling.  Being that the temps will be up to 110 in the day, I do believe I will attempt to get my doctor to fill a script for two bottles, one completely on backup.  The one I have is getting down and I really want one for backup.  I've been using it rightly, save for the last three days.  I don't know that it's working, but I have been using it.  My urine isn't foaming, so I suspect it is doing something to the positive.  Even the other medicine wasn't helping with that, though it has been better before.  I just know it has something to do with sugar levels somehow, from comparing consumption and daily readings and over time.  I will be seeing him soon, and the eye doctor the day after... where I will be asking about scripts for contacts and maybe a short supply of those, say a month of disposables to experiment with in the desert.  Oh, I will certainly have glasses for backup and the long drives.  Otherwise I need huge, oversized, goggles, which are both spendy and ugly (in my opinion).

Trash and cans of various sorts were cleared yesterday.  If I get going on the other things, I may do floors today, sweeping, mopping, vacuuming.  I might even get to steam cleaning a couple of spots.  That and looking for hidden cat "presents".  I've been remiss on that a bit.  I air out the cave every night, so if I get some of that tended, I should be back to a bit of trim before too long.  Yeah...  Being in trim makes the road smoother, somehow.

Ain't it the truth, sister.

It's the little things.  But there are so many of them.  It is nearly impossible to do alone, and it is something that women are far better at.  They carry less bulk, so doing little things isn't as much of a physical chore.  Which would get me to doing tree trimming if these things were tended.  Then again, these tasks give me something small to work my way out of my funks.  Lending a hand would get things done more quickly though, so there is that.  I never considered that I owned the women I have been with, if they have.  Not that they own me, mostly, but they assumed I owned them.  And, for their part, I did.  It was my mistake, part of my misunderstanding, wrong interpretations of life with women.  Even my feminists and other odd sorts, when in with me, bowed.  Odd.

Attractive!  For a while.

One other thing I have been ruminating about regarding women is the notion most women have hit me with, hard or light but almost universally.   That notion being a lack of understanding why I wouldn't rotate around them, why their call to me was so weak and dealt mostly with sex or food, and more at my interest level, not their own.  Ah, that...  Little Ones, I have contemplated long and hard on the tree of woe.  I now have an answer.  No woman will be enough to call me.  Oh, I love their ways, or come to love a particular woman and her intricacies... if I feel or felt called to be with her.  True.  And I have enjoyed the carnal, social, domestic, and civil affairs with her.  But... there are many women I am attracted to, who are also available.  And carnal is sex, one or another, with this or that woman, trust me.  No woman, to my mind, has stood out.  What no woman gave me, that might have enticed me, and which causes even a rat bastard to rethink his ways, is a child... or children... and surety they were mine.  Other than women who were not available for marriage, on my part, mind you.

Dang women!

You see, a woman isn't enough to hold a powerful man in her orbit.  But if she gifts me with a child, she will have a place no other has, so long as I can be around that child.  At first I will resist.  The sputtering, pooping, crying... will nearly drive me away.  Patience on her part, and tending those needs, and inculcating me to the merits through the price, and I will come to love this little creature like no other.  That will bind the free spirit.  A brood the more the more.  I have seen and experienced too much to know what a woman provides can't be found easily and over there, or anywhere... save children I can call my own.  Which is why when I look for a woman, a wife, I look for one who can tie those binds.  Satan may have no Achilles's heel through which to find redemption, or a new start.  Doom does have one.  And I expose it easily.  It is no less easy to hit, but it is quite easily known upon simple questioning or minor observations.  Though I warn, trickery will be your folly.  Good luck, ladies.  *grins*

Acknowledging Truth.

I am sure all of it will work out.  Soon or late, if never quite how I might have envisioned it... if closer than most will ever see.  While I don't see everything, I do see parts of possibilities and more than even I would like but definitely more than most will know.  No secrets, I've spilled many of the beans, if in ways fit for company which isn't always how I see it.  And yet I could tell you all and you still would not, could not, see.  No worries.  Either you know and do or you do not.

Later. 

Just some odd tunes.

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While digging to try to just stay awake I found a few tunes that seemed... interesting.  Oh, the variety of types...  Most are rather mild to tame.  One hard one, one rock, two... almost soft music.  Thoughts... reflections... memories.

A few things going.

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I did get to straightening.  I also got dishes to soak.  A start on laundry is next.  I really should have started that earlier but you know how that goes.  Oh, and I did make supper.  Nothing fancy but it works.

What do I have left?  I never know.  I might crash in an hour, be up another eight to ten hours but so thin I can't think, or even get a bit to lot more done.  I simply don't know.  If you live my life you best get used to surprises, good and bad.

Oh, I best figure out, exactly, what day D.C. will be "home".  Further, actually, what day he will be available.  If he arrives home on Thursday but late, I doubt if he will want company.  I know I wouldn't, probably.  And, despite his notions, I do intend to drive straight through.  Driving, pretty much, is easy.  Well, and I am pushing things as is.  Now, on the way to BMan, I can see getting a room.  Whatever.  I though he suggested that it will be a 26 hour drive.  With a night off that is two days of driving for six and a half hours, plus time for gas stops, each.  Not tight at all, if vehicle fatigue will exist.  If we can get in Sunday evening, and we want to be there pretty much when the gate opens, and stop a night, that would mean leaving Friday, which doesn't seem possible, unless we left Friday evening?  All the particulars are not in my hands since I don't know his address, so can't more than figure anything from raw numbers.

Yeah... Later.

Yeah, okay, I think I might.

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Gaming is a silly thing, but when I am down but up to it, it... gets me ready for whatever else is in store.  It preps my body to actually begin moving again.  So, tonight, shortly not a maybe, I will begin doing this or that.  I don't know how much I can actually get done.  I will probably start by straightening the cave just a bit and laundry.  Perhaps setting dishes to soak in there.  If, and I say that as a huge maybe, I get through what I am about to start, and if I have anything... focus, energy... left, I will begin brazing the copper pipes.  And if (not going to happen, but...) I still have remnants of something like life left when the sun starts rising, I may get into the garden.

The only hope I have for the garden visa vie weeds is that the drip system will starve the majority and I can hit the ones surrounding my plants.  That will be my only real hope for anything from the garden this year and a more weed free garden next year.  Bleh. 

But I need something to eat!  Getting back on my feet requires food.  As I haven't been doing much else I also haven't been eating.  The dishes aren't that backed up, just a bit because I am miffed at the kitchen faucet, but no more than a handful of dishes and a few pots and pans.  Hmm...  Perhaps I will thaw some meat for spaghetti and meat sauce later.  No, I am hungry now.  I think I will just set some pasta to boil, add a can or two of tuna when it is done, while I begin neatening.  Later.

Up with a grimmace.

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Bearly awake, and I mean that.  I stayed awake until 14:00, and won't complain on that part if I had hoped for a bit more.  The thing is my sleep time is reducing and there is little I can do to alter that.  Six hours of sleep is fine if you run a simple day.  But when you are, and have been, pushing the edges of sleep for a while, both sleeping less and being awake longer, some days are made for being a bit on the grumpy side.  Actually worse.  I feel grumpy when I am called to wakefulness but groggy of mind.  When I wake full fit of mind and ready, but still tired, that creates sharp edges and a poor social disposition.  It is days like these, when with a woman, I seek a lock for my tongue.  Women so love to play with fire then resent the burn.  Ah well, there is selective memory to soothe the guilt.  *chuckles*

I need to get going, but my body's push to change my up times seems to be taking a toll.  Oh, I'll get to it, and am slowly doing bits and pieces, I just can't focus and stay on track.  No physical complaints.  I do note that it has been three days since last I took medication.  Don't ask, I don't know.  I actually thought I had been taking medication and stats.  Nope.  BP didn't jump too much, not so far.  And, oddly, blood sugar is the lowest it has been since starting this new medication.  Huh?  Don't ask me.  Other than, as I said, I question diabetic medications, actually I question the whole diagnosis and-or their understanding of it.  I am taking insulin, so I'm not on the light stuff, or a minor pill.  Not that my diabetes, to my mind, is that bad.  It's just that one of the oral medications doesn't work right, one is contraindicated by my heart failure let alone the advanced part, and the last was damaging my liver or kidney functions.  Yeah.  It's a last option given all the givens.  Hmm, I'll have to figure out how to set that up in the coolers.  I know it can't be frozen.  Putting it in with the... 'non-hedonist libations' is probably the trick.  *chuckles*

It looks like everything I ordered is on the way.  Most of it should be here very soon.  The last thing I need to buy are steaks, prep those and some hamburgers, get those sorted and stored and frozen tight.  The next time I am in town I might look for some dry ice with which to experiment.  Hmm, and figure out what to put in the coolers so as to avoid having the dry ice destroy the coolers themselves.  I am thinking of buying a cheap styrofoam cooler and tearing that down to be used as insulation.  I need to experiment with bags of ice, dry ice, and combinations of those.  A bag of ice on the bottom, water tighted frozen meat layered with dry ice above that for one, then another with just ice, and possibly a third with dry ice over ice just for the sake of ice (to add to drinks).  Yeah, I know, but... cold is the one thing that is a true luxury in that kind of heat, and water of course.  All theory until I get off my ass, mind you.

Well, later.

Chilly morning.

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I went outside to do a bit, but not for long.  In shorts and bare of foot, I hied back in fairly quickly.  It isn't a terrible chill, I just didn't want to mess with it.  My thermometer suggested it was 48 or 46.  Really?  The news says it is 53.  I am wondering if they have abandoned more local reporting and are simply going by the nearest larger town, Logan in this case.  The number are different though, from time to time.  Then again that may just be cya ops, where they switch a number from time to time in case anyone is noticing.  Too chilly to work out there though.  The 50's and 60's are about perfect, since I don't want to wear pants in the garden.

My friend called yesterday, I see.  I did not get the call.  The phone was left in my bedroom when I woke and I could think of no reason to have it with me.  Or... something.  He won't be awake for two to three more hours and I will give him a bit of time to wake before calling him.  Hmm, but I might phone my mother after finishing this.  Like her and her mother, we didn't get along when we were younger.  Time fixes much.  I only wish, I suppose, that she had the time with her mother that I have had with her.  If nothing else I hope she has found some peace with it all.

Yeah, well, not much done last night.  Oh well.  As it warms up, say in a couple of hours, I might just work on that system.  I'm almost not sure it is worth putting in to have to take out in just a few months at the most?  I am not certain the pressure fittings can be taken off, whether if so they can be reused.  Perhaps there is a tool for that?  Hmm, I could do a bit of research after calling, or trying to call, my mom.  Yes, yes, that would take one of the ghosts regarding the project out of my mind.  Those things can become road blocks, if I can't always identify them...  I just know I don't like something about what I am thinking about doing...  This one is pegged, now to drop it.

Have a splendid day.  Later.

Twisting free.

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I don't know why it works sometimes, nor can I ever be certain, but I feel like I might be twisting free of the problems of late.  This one was a little worse than my last failing but shorter, I do believe.  I wasn't able to stay as focused as last time, which is how I gauge these falls.  Yeah, I did some tracking.  But last time my eye was on all of the things.  This time it was only kept on parts of BMan.  Other than feeding the girls and... well... I think that was it.

I feel like I am twisting up and a way from an opponent who had me in some sort of choke-out hold.  And I nearly choked out.  A little rough for the wear but I want to get started on things.  First a bit of tending to things here in the home, then putting the drip line in, and then putting the grill together.  A bit of a headache, some neck strain, a bit of fogginess, and a few other oddities remain.  I've got a remedy or three for all but the fog.  Fog clears off with work, usually.  That's always a running battle.  Tonight?  Cleanup, a shower, some laundry.  Anything else will be luxury.

On the BMan side, I may begin figuring out how and where to pack what.  I plan on creating a main item list, and a list for each pack.  It is more to begin learning how to pack, identify what was worth and not worth packing by keeping notes on the trip, and organizing the return and break down of my gear.  Organization isn't my forte which means I either stick with luck or I do a little extra work. K.I.S.S. will fair you well, that is the only solid thing I am bringing from the past.  A few items to drink from, the extras just for loss or ruination, as with dining items.  Keep it so simple that you can do it dumb.  No matter how smart you are the world can take all but the animal away.  Be ready for that so that you don't have to become feral just to survive, or... go all the way.  It's a bad scene.  In essence, by taking care of yourself you are taking care of those around you, both friend and stranger.

One thing I am not sure about is how secure the site is.  I have to assume things may well go missing.  I guess you just have to hope to luck that it isn't something vital, like the cot and bedding, or worse food or even worse, water, or even the tent.  Or that these things don't get destroyed through negligence on the part of others.  Yeah, no one talks about it but the reality is that BMan is an unregulated city of irregulars with minimal law.  You are unarmed and your own law.  Lets be honest.  Now, being what I am, personally, that should suffice.  However I can't always have all my kit with me.  So it's understood that it is insecure.  I've certainly traveled harder places with less to gain and more to lose and for no good reason.

Well, enough about that.  Later.

No.

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I didn't get into the garden today.  Just couldn't.  I did find my headlamp.  I might do it tonight, or some other evening, now that I have some lighting.  Flashlights just aren't enough, don't work well.  Lamps, I suppose, but inconvenient for specific lighting if a bit better than flashlights.  It didn't happen because it didn't happen.  That sounds simplistic but it is logical, true, and... metaphysical, actually.  Never mind.  I lose a lot of people there.  It just is or isn't, isn't it?  Yes and no.

But it is after 14:00 and I am still awake.  This is the latest I have been awake in... weeks? months?  Perhaps the schedule shift is working it's way through my system... Or I am in line for another spin or two around the clock.  Never know until I know.  Then, of course, I know.  Sometimes.  Too much thought about what is and isn't of late, and how to explain it.  Most of it is bunk, except those parts that are true.  It is a wonderful laboratory of thought for practicing participles, grammatical conjugation, and such though.  Wait, I hate grammar.  Well, not my grammar.  Never knew her so I can't be sure.  But if she didn't get along with my mother when she was younger, both of them actually, had to be since they both aged until one of them died, more or less... then I probably would have gotten along with her right up until I didn't.  But... that's another thing.

Yes, yes, staying awake a bit beyond the border and my mind does tend to stray.  Think about doing that for decades.  It's a wonder I am sane.  Shhhush.  Later, or goodnight.  We will know for sure later, thought later it will be for certain?  Yes, yes indeed.

Alpha?

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Reading at one of Vox's blogs I chuckled big and large about one of the notions he presented.  It was something on my mind the other day as well.  Almost posted about it then but things are slipping lately.  Something about how if one man gets handy with a lady it is encouraged, supported, rewarded, whereas another man would get thrown troubled for his foolish deeds.  Well, and the fact that "No" only means "No" for some guys.  For others it's, well, not the or an issue.

Now, he brought up a couple of politicians.  The problem with the politician he brought up as alpha was the obstruction.  A true alpha wouldn't need to hide behind layers of money, political muscle, and probably other types of muscle.  That's for when things go wrong.  Not that alphas are perfect, they litter jail cells and psych wards.  Just that they aren't in there for that.  There is a point between when a lion is a lion and when he becomes a jackal.  Both with women and the world.  Someone who has to hide behind skirts and the rest isn't an alpha.  That's all I'm saying.

The other thing is, unlike popular myth, being handy with the ladies is fine.  But she really has to be on board.  It's not every gal that is available, though you would be surprised how many women are in play.  Most let you know they are in play or just plain try to sneak up and on you, if you have certain traits.  Being that I could have 30 year old kids, with me being mid 40's, with the mothers being mothers of my class mates and a teacher or two should explain some of that.  Got to admit, I still don't, and probably never will, understand.  But then I don't understand gravity completely, the sun fully, matter to a greater extent, or women in general.  I don't need to understand.  Biologically to intellectually, I am an engineer.  Just make it work then leave it alone, if it's vital.

And yet, the reason I haven't found a woman is because I tried to make changes.  I'm locked up.  Sex is easy, could be having that now, tomorrow, next week.  That's not what I want, or not that alone.  I never did but I was on that track.  It's sort of like reading Cliff Notes, or a solid review of something, compared with the actual product.  You know how it turns out and have a decent idea about who is involved and why, but the details weren't there.  I was lead to a shortcut that shortcutted the natural process.  Trying to figure the way back...  Yeah, tricky.  You can't undo, unlive, unsee, unremember, it doesn't work.  You have to move on, but how far?

I'm not really an alpha, I just played the part like a pro when certain variables came due.  I saw the signs, felt which way the wind was blowing, approached on normal vectors, did the deed, and never knew why... or even in the moment cared.  Automated.  Just like fighting.  Eventually, if you are an honest type, or earnestly want to be, you have to come around to realizing that isn't working.  I had some plugs to pull, some choices to make, and some notions to settle.  Now that most of it is done, I merely need... something else. 

Yea, women on the mind.  A lot lately.  It isn't BMan, it wasn't the last haiku, dunno.  Either I will find a woman or the urges will pass.  The king is dead, long live the king, baby.

Order sent, some things not on board.

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You have to be careful when ordering from Amazon.  If the price is incredible, check shipping and handling closely.  You can't just look at their published shipping prices.  I did and they were way off on several items.  I have prime, so my shipping is often free, if the items usually cost a bit more.  The savings are usually worth it.  As well, when I order prime objects, they are usually right on the money.  What I mean is, if you order a  blue light that is on the prime list, where there are several colors available, you get blue.  If you order from some of the other places it seems like they just send a random color.  The Chinese simply do not read English or seem to care, though I won't limit it to them.  Actually, I think they somehow make money on shipping and returning.  It probably, like our gov and even some big business as the world is crashing, has to do with adjusting the chairs on the U.W.E. Titanic as she sinks.  (United World Economy)  Governments are paying for shipping, or reducing the cost so that companies take advantage of it, in order to get product moving, and with a bit of a kickback for volume from the shippers, it's send, send, send.  Returns just add to the private buckets from public coin.  Among other schemes.

When I first sent my list in, I checked shipping carefully.  They tried to add $127 in S&H!  Not.  So I went through my list, deleting, this and that, to find out where the huge costs were.  A bunch of it was on el lights and personal flashers.  One was marked less than $10 for the lot, but the shipping on them, for say ten items, was nearly $80.  I don't know how Amazon lets them do that?  You would think they would check on that, or require some sort of notion as to maximum shipping costs from partners.  Oh, sure, they are busy, but that is a way to get some really angry customers.

Finally, after several hours of fiddling, I did get my order in.  Hmm, I took the drop cloth off.  But I think the shipping for that was as much or more than the cost.  I will be looking locally, Walmart and a few other places.  Gah!  For as off as I am, I am glad I saw that and dealt with it.  I am a bit surprised I got to it, and checked it all.  *updated*  No, I was able to order the drop cloth.  I went and checked that, after writing this.  Shipping was reasonable.  So it is on the way as well.  I also remembered that I forgot to order cloth for the kilt.  Since I can't do the gillie ghost suit, a kilt will work.

This morning I may get out and work on the drip line.  I think my garden is a waste though, weeds.  I'm not sure it is salvageable without more work than I have.  Well, and many of the plants simply aren't taking off.  I'm not convinced it is worth the water costs at this point.  Still, it is an experiment, a first year in the school of hard knocks, so I will continue anyway.  *knock knock*  While tinkering with the hose I will think about it all.  Weeds!  *shrug*  Later.  

Wow...

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I started a game, since I'm not doing much else successfully for the moment.  Bioshock Infinite, if you are curious.  I played the game through, straight, on easy setting, just to see what's what.  One night, clean through.  Yesterday I played for trophies.  Trophies are things you do in the game, like find certain items, look through certain devices, etc.  Again, I played it straight through.  Zouch.  I got near the end.  It didn't look like I was going to get all the collectibles.  I was going by a German, and I think the European versions are slightly to very different?  It just didn't seem to match up to my game.  Going by that, I assumed I blew it and would have to play the whole thing over, only much more carefully.  There isn't a good way to figure out what you didn't get.  As I finished the game, I noted one of the collection trophies was gotten, so I checked the others.  Inexplicably, considering the trophy guide I was following, I did get them all.  Some might be allowed to missed in one game, and found in another, but two of them at least, required a one game thing.  Bleh. 

Yeah, the European games must be different, or the player figured out how to cheat extra.  He had some stats maxed to 30 while I only had 24, and yet got the trophy...  Meh...  Done.

The thing is, it isn't just the game.  While some things, the actual events, and of course the nature of the game, the questions left behind are ones that still mar my world.  Who am I?  Perhaps even what am I?  Who and what indeed.  Most people live in the plain of the mundane.  You believe blue is blue, black is black, night and day are just that.  And that is where and what I prefer.  I just know that it isn't quite that pat.  How wrong it all is, that I don't know.  Is the world just slightly askew, in my version of things due to original sin?  Is it just we who are a little off?  Or is the whole damn thing an existence of possibilities and probabilities with no certainties of flesh.  Either way, I do believe in God.  He is the one and eternal standard and norm.  There is that, but...  This game...  Yeah...  It's bringing clarity to fuzz and that isn't always a good thing.  Hmm, I think I feel a nose bleed coming on.

I just finished most of the minor trophies.  There are a few more I want to get before delving into the hardcore mode... in which it will be unlikely to get any other trophies other than the ones for playing through that game.  That's it.  I've heard that it isn't hard, it's insane.  After playing easy and being wiped out with ease, even as a decent player, I suspect this is going to be headache inducing.  Why, then, you ask?  Well, it beats a fifth or two of hard stuff on top of a case, innit?  You relax your way, I'll relax mine.  *grins*

Somewhere through the night, as I need breaks, I will begin looking and sorting.  I have a number of minor but key items somewhere in my home.  You would think if I could survive to find hundreds of things in a virtual world that I would be able to find these things in my own home, wouldn't you?  Yeah, well, in the game, things flicker.  My black knee high engineering boots and headlamp do not flicker... not a bit...  The boots should be easy to find, they are huge.  Same with the headlamp, the area to search is small, but it could fit anywhere, or even fall behind something.  Gah! 

Dizzy.  Yes indeed.  Too much data, too many possibilities, variables and unknowns abound.  I've... had worse.  Later.

I did go through gear last night.

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I didn't find everything I was looking for.  I should have a headlight somewhere.  I was going to use that to work on the drip lines last night, but as I said it was no where in my gear.  I am sure it is in my room, come to think of it.  But where in the bear cave is anyone's guess.  Later on I'll list what I found, and what I have ordered, just for myself and anyone who wants to look over the list.  It's a tracking, cataloging thing.

I found two battery operated lanterns.  One from before I moved to Utah by several years, one from the year I moved but while my gear was still in storage.  One is powered by D, the other by AA batteries.  Both were still functioning!  Weird.  Just plain odd.  Still, I'll have extra spare batteries for those and other things.  Lots of what I am taking require batteries.

I am also thinking about premaking a dozen 1/2 pound hamburger patties.  Hard freezing those, along with at least a few steaks each.  Along with MRE's and a can of freeze dried stroganoff, that will be my nod to food.  I do have some drink stuff I'll be taking, and of course various other libations.  *cough*  Hmm, and a pound or two of fresh coffee and a grinder.  It is enough that I could easily live on it, with a bit of room to split out a bit.   

My last order will go in tonight.  Sometimes prices jump extraordinarily, or drop, on Amazon.  So I am always leery about promising to buy something.  I have more than enough cash now, It's just not all in one account and the order would ravage whichever account I used.  Payday is a good day.  I should have enough for gasoline and any minor travel expenses, lodging on the way a few times, perhaps, and... possible gedunk.  The next time I go I will be much more fully kitted out though, being less of an expense the possibility for odd things will be on hand.  Even so, all said and done, it will be tight.  *fingers crossed*  Next time I am saving up, buying things along the way, and watching what I am doing a lot more carefully.  Still, this was always going to be tight.

I won't be able to get the ghillie suit this year.  I have all but the black material.  It is something I can work on through the winter.  As well, I won't have room, nor time it seems, to make a solar oven.  That is a project for next year.  The cost of materials will keep both off the track, though time and energy are also problems.  I simply haven't decided on the material, actually, either... for the suit.  Bleh...  Oh, I think I am ordering material to make a makeshift true kilt though, and a few pieces to fill it out.  And I have a few other odds and ends around.  It won't be fancy, as some are, but then some have a lot more free cash floating around, and most probably attend their finances a little more strictly and in a focused manner.  Noobs do what noobs do, and I am a noob.  You have to start somewhere.

Yeah.  Later...  No, much later.  Good night.

I best start to find and collect my gear.

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This should be interesting.  Most of my camping/explorer gear is in just a few confined places.  I collected most of it to keep it on hand and from being lost.  Looking for one item, otherwise long unconsidered, can make for a nearly impossible task.  So, right up front, gear went to one of several places and anything new went in as well.  For as disorganized as most of my life is, this stuff is still tight.  It's life and death stuff.  The rest is just... stuff.  Need to give it to a woman.  She'll take care of it like I take care of my stuff, or get rid of it if she has, or as she gets, better stuff.  Not my area.

Still... the lists of things I have to take is complicated.  It has to be pulled from the lot, then packed.  What will go where is a whole added thing.  I have a huge pack.  No pack will hold all I will be taking.  Though I have several decent totes besides.  The sleeping bag and tent probably wouldn't fit.  If it were just clothes, My guess is two of the side (called rocket) packs would probably handle that.  Gear and gedunk will overflow the rest, and that doesn't include a bike or water or possibly the grill. 

I still have to buy a sleeping bag.  And instead of a ground mat I think I will be reviewing cots.  I don't want something too thin and it can't be too short.  I sleep on normal beds but only because I like my feet off the end, and beyond the covers, even when I am somewhat curled up.  I simply hate too narrow of a bed though.  Even with a mat it is extremely annoying. 

I am feeling better though.  I may begin compiling bits of the list tonight.  I am an organized packer if I have it in me and the time.  The thing is I have never packed for something quite like this.  Actually, that isn't exactly true.  Just get rid of the lights and odd bits and... I've geared up for harsh climates before.  Ages ago though.  And I was young and strong.  I didn't worry too much.  Humping 120 wasn't an issue, and I usually humped more because I could.  Came in great for bartering later.  Big but not dumb.  Extra smokes/chew, more tp, a box of snickers...  You'd be surprised what old Doomster could pull out of his... pack.  It wasn't all greed, mind you.  Still, a favor wasn't a bad thing to have on tap for later either.  A kindness also went a long ways.  Business... but among brothers. 

Oh, I have decided on bedding.  I went the luxury route I suppose.   I went with this for the bag, and these for the cot, the pad, and the organizer.  Should work.  While the pad absorbs moisture, the desert takes it away.  I doubt if I will have moisture issues at BMan, or in Utah saving direct rain in either...  That's what tents are for!  Along with a few other things, that is my last order.  Yeah, I included a 10x20 ground cloth and maybe, thinking on it, two area rugs.

Hmm...  Well...  On to some digging, cataloging, and sorting.  Later.

Sleep was fantastic.

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When I have to gear up to ignore my current sleep cycle, usually it isn't too much of a problem.  From time to time, though, it is a huge issue.  Sometimes I can't do it.  Sometimes I don't even have a cycle.  I just drift, without rhythm or a means of amending when I sleep or wake.  Alarms are useless.  Having a woman, a wife type, living in my home, does seem to help a lot.  But she can act as either pole of the magnet, me being the another pole, depending on how rational she is and which part of that I am able to deal with at the moment.  Yeah, women do stabilize my sleep, usually bringing me to days.  My hiccups with a woman are usually quite short term.  I have been getting much better this way on my own.  I honestly am curious how much a woman would help regulate sleep now.

I saw a fellow recently.  Wheelchair bound, he had no arms or legs.  He also had a beautiful wife.  If he had met her after whatever took that part of his life away, I could see it turning out good... a better chance anyway.  But not in his case.  I do think about that.  The difference is I am mobile, intelligent, mindful even if simply subconsciously at times, I see into the dark of minds I know as easily as others see their lawn in broad daylight, and do frighten potential suitors.  I've had more than one of my women tell me that when I visited her workplace that ended advances by coworkers.  Some of the women were pleased with it, some were not.  Wasn't my goal but I was quite happy.  I move and negotiate new acquaintances and my surroundings, if they are hostile like most cities are, like a warrior, a killer.  People who know recognize my sort right off.  Any doubt is allayed by a handshake.  I honestly have a world class strength in my hands.

Oh, it isn't just sleep being off.  Everything is a bit off.  I am not sleeping as long or deeply, and I am awake much longer.  It sure beats last summer though.  And, yeah, I am chalking it up to summer heat and light.  Finally.  I simply have limits.  I am seeing the boundaries of those like never before, understanding how simple some of it is.  More or less light and heat and I simple buckle a bit.  I can still do, but as I have suggested, if either the mind or the body fail I can drift for a bit.  If it is the body, a more rare occurrence and from doing too much, a bit of rest will fix that.  If it is of the mind however, little can be done without an outside influence to guide.  It's just the way it works.

I tell you though, God must really want me here.  Most won't survive the constant crippling effects of body and mind or the humility of it, the brutally painful starvation periods I used to go through, the health issues of mind and body, such as confusion, loss of time scales, and things.  Flesh wasn't really supposed to endure this.  It is why, when I committed suicide, I was in purgatory and not hell.  God knew what others can't.  One might say purgatory was a hell of a gift, though, too.  It was part of the key that brought me to the light, if in time.  Who wants to believe in fairy tales?  Oh, I believed before that, but not quite for real, or particularly in purgatory.  Now?  I have no doubts.  I also have less doubts about God.  Or His grace and love actually, and forgiveness.  Nor do I doubt hell and that many will indeed go there, if I realize that isn't from a vengeful God, it is a simple choice.  In the end, for those who want to do what they do, and further reject that as a wrong in spite of truth...  God allows all but the love of sin.  Sin?  Washed.  Love of sin is a choice and He won't amend that, we have to choose.  It's too much for some minds to grasp, some souls to let go of wrong, some people simply think absolutes are too much while often trying their hardest to impose the absolutes of dissolution oddly, which... never works.  Never mind.

Mind is just working through a few things as I wake.  Later.

Woot!

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Sometimes God takes away, sometimes He gives.  My doctor called in sick, and I'm still so very tired.  Sick and tired, definitely my doctor!  Some days it just works out.  Oh, I was going to go.  I would have made it.  But it was going to hurt.  Yeah.  Best take my "night meds" and scoot off to dream land.  Good night.

Why? I ask, why?

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After a week of not being able to go to bed until 11:00 or so it seems, today?  If I didn't have to drive I would have been in bed a couple of hours ago.  It's just freaky how things work.  Tired as can be.  Oh well.  Ah, I think I actually figured it out...  I haven't been able to drink anything since midnight, so they can do a fasting blood test.  Not an A1C, but some other.  Kidney function or... no that wasn't it.  Something.  I'll let them goof.  I'll be more ready for a little caffeine than I will anything else.  I'll stop for breakfast somewhere that serves coffee by the jug.

Yeah, I'll need that if I am going to have any chance at shopping for a sleeping bag, maybe a pad of some sort, a cheap but warm quilt, and a couple of pillows.  Actually I'll reserve the new pillows and wash and take some old ones... Yeah, that'll work.  Hmm...  I think that will be it for the day unless I catch a second wind. 

Life sure is messy.  No matter how things work out the plan is only a good idea that gets one motivated to begin getting in trouble.  Not just trips or mechano-electric stuff... runs right through to women.  Messy.  Gosh I like getting messy though.  Later!

Ah, right.

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An appointment tomorrow.  A make-up exam, one might alternatively suggest.  I missed the last one.  Yeah, 10:00... it'll be tricky.  That's just about my bedtime of late.  Yeah, well...  So be it.

While out, if I have the energy, I may stop at a few stores looking for a double sleeping bag and cheapo comforter.  I have a decent one but I don't want to take it.  I would like to get a mat of some kind as well, but those cost, starting at what I am looking to spend on a sleeping bag and going up from there.  Bleh.  I think I have one, but it's single.  Long enough but the times I have used it led me to the conclusion that it was made for a guy my height who weighs 180, on several fronts. 

I have one more order to place, on the first or thereabouts, after reviewing finances.  I still need enough for gas, emergencies, and whatever else might be needed on the way and a few things before going.  Always something overlooked.  Always.  Not always remedied with cash but... cash doesn't hurt.

Hmm, I've been pushing to shove my sleep cycle back into days but... that just takes as long as it takes.  I do push, until that wears me out, then I let go and it comes around.  The early appointment tomorrow will give that a bit of a shove though.  Yeah, I'll be there.  Bells and whistles are strictly optional.  Later.

Be at peace.

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A bit of rest, a few additional options, and skies are clear again.  Oh, well, it had to hit at some point.  The struggle to get things in order to go.  Too many variables, too many unknowns, it truly is how everything works.  Someone has a plan, enough people go along with it, and then life and maybe death happen.  It doesn't matter if you are going in for a hike, a swim, a week trip into the desert to find and lose some things, or the exploration of the west by men on horseback, without guides to start or even enough provisions or a way to resupply well.  It's what men do, and love to (and love to hate to) do.  I've been a trial and error junky since I ran away from home my first time.  I had to crawl to the middle of the street, my brother was kind enough to let me out, and my shepherd stood steadfastly over me or the old lady driving would have run me over... she only saw my dog and even then had to slam on the breaks.  Yeah, I've been flirting with disaster since before I was out of diapers.  It's... been fun though, mostly.

A trick?  I would like to get some local potable water.  But half of my water, wash water, I think I will get at D.C.'s?  I could get it on the way but I don't want to have to buy it.  Who knows how much someone would charge.  Fitting everything in?  I best start packing and practicing.  I won't be taking all the chairs at this point, and regret the expense.  I could send them back but I think it's a bit late and would cost before it would save, a luxury there is no time to afford.  Still, for some other time.  Not bad to have some gear stowed.  Lots of things to consider.

To be honest, I just think the nerves are coming from the fact that I have to start packing, and thinking things over a little more carefully just adds impetus.  I would have to have started pushing things through at some point anyway, and would have been pretty much just as twitchy about it.  The lists will help.  I am definitely not an organized type.  I have learned to go with the basics and figure it out on the way.  I'm very good at that or I wouldn't be alive.  I certainly have some handicaps, but I've learned how to elbow those to the side from time to time, if it is only a trick not a solution.  Yeah, I'll get started on the packing a little sooner than I had intended, which is... probably a very good thing.

Son, but I am getting excited.  I signed up to be a greeter, with the stipulation that it might be tricky for me.  I won't, it seems, need a new tent... assuming a sale goes through on my partner's side.  I do need a sleeping bag.  The one I have is simply too small.  I ought to try and sell that.  It is in 'like new' condition, and a fine specimen of a sleeping bag, along with various liners.  If I had the time I would sell it online and use the proceeds to buy another.  As is, I will simply buy a new, but cheap, sleeping bag, or double bag.  I am a seriously big boy.  My chest is bigger than the circumference of most standard bags.  At least my belly isn't bigger than my chest, not even close, mostly.  :p

Later.

Okay, things just got very complicated with BMan.

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It seems that the RV is out of the question this year.  Okay.  I do have a tent, but it isn't good for much.  It certainly won't do for that desert, nor the wind.  More... there are now many things I have to reconsider.  I do have camping kit, from a minor burner stove to water containers and some other things.  But everything I had sort of taken for granted is no longer available.  Which means sitz baths, figuring out food and storage for it, to... who knows what else.  Yes, complicated.

Now, I do have a lot of gear.  But the tent is what is bothering me first and foremost.  There is a BMan tent guide, and I am sort of going to be playing off that.  I had thought to buy a more superior tent, but that solution would both be much more expensive, the tent would sort of be ruined, and I am not sure it would be any more successful, save against the wind, than what I have, in dealing with the heat and dust.  However, with the suggestions given, I will need to stop in at stores and look at what they have.  Though... hmm... Walmart doesn't set them up, not the big ones.  To find a two room tent, or three room where I can just use two, will be a trick.  I am looking at a couple, this one and this one.  It depends on if they can be shut to just two rooms though... and how many mesh vents they have that might need to be tended...  I don't know about insulation this time/year...  Just don't know.  Of course, about these tents I know nothing, to date.  So...

Food, the next item...  First I will need coolers.  I have several standard ones.  They suggest some Xtreme coolers.  I am thinking what I have plus one of those, in a smaller size, and mostly for ice.  I do believe I will be going with mostly MRE's and a can of freeze-dried beef stew.  No, not gourmet, but I've... had worse.  I simply don't have it in me to set up more than that, most likely.

As for the rest?  Well?  I simply don't know.  There is a guide for what to take, as well, plus a day pack picture adviser.  The paradigm has shifted so radically and quickly that this will simply have to be a snapshot of a thing and it will work out as it does.  I can handle the heat so long as I have a time to cool off.  There it is called nights, and they won't just be cool they will be out and out cold.  This will be a bit tricky.  But then it was going to be from the start.  I'm just... trying to figure the shift.  Oh, as I wrote, I figured this might be a possibility, a strong one, but until something is certain it is difficult to wrap the mind around it. 

D.C. is thinking about renting a vehicle and meeting me there.  I think that is... unwise.  I have the tickets, so we would have to meet before the main gate.  He probably has the theme camp bona fides.  It requires a lot of luck and some intense planning, plus puts two vehicles out there, looking for parking and... I think it would be both less expensive and simpler to meet at his place and drive from there, since he doesn't trust his vehicle for the drive.  We will see on that, too.  Yeah, well... We definitely won't be tourists this time around.

Oh, I have no real way to bring my bike, without an expensive attachment to my vehicle...  Ugh!  Not like I am sure I could have used it much.  I haven't been biking.  Hmm, we will see.

No problem, just something looking for new solutions.  Life.  And it is coming up quickly.  Later.

Haiku Monday - Dance

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Well, okay.  I'll play a little nicer this week.  Too tired last, or more... choked on the theme.  Usually I'm not such a sissy, even about such things.  I'll chalk it up to heat.  Sorry for being a spoiler Raf.  Anywhile, foam is up and at it.  I shot one over the bow, if just a little funnin', hopefully more with than at, our hostess.  She's a bit down in the foot but not long in the face, mostly.  Something about crocheting and cats ought to keep her... on her toes.  There I go again, been up too long.  Never mind.

Hmm, ever driven a vehicle where the breaks or steering went out?

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It's not always as catastrophic as it might seem, if you keep your head and aren't in a really bad situation where you have to dive out of the vehicle.  But your ride is definitely over until it is fixed.  Unfortunately my daily drive is all I have.  I had been staying up later and later, and so meant to push it today and get some work done.  Nope.  Parking break activated, then stuck.  I'll be going to bed in moments.  I did, after two or three other tries, get the plumbing desoldered last night.  Now I just have to decide what parts I want, how I want them configured, and solder it the new way, while I fix the problem.  Hmm...  This time I am going to do the whole thing in one long line while suspending it on blocks of wood rather than trying to do each piece one at a time. 

The hope is that, with going to bed "early", I can rise at a reasonable hour so as to install the dripper system.  Yeah, I know, lame.  I honestly don't have much control sometimes.  But then I am honestly a miracle worker to do what I do in the condition I am in.  Shouldn't be alive.  And yet that isn't enough, even for me. 

I may end up being just a tourist at BMan.  Really.  I won't be a fratboy though.  And I will be looking for a project which could use a hand, and lend it when I have it available.  I will also explore.  Some near the camp, some further away.  But more, I will enjoy myself.  I will admit, if the opportunity comes up, I will discuss God.  I am going for the people, the only art the universe will ever know.  Mona Lisa?  Compare that to any human.  It is what it is, but people are who they were, are, and will be.  In sheer complexity, no art, music, or other human endeavor can come close to competing with just one human.  We certainly try.  We are our Father's children to be sure.  It just seems that those shoes are just a bit big for us to fill quite yet.  I'm not there to push it, though, either.  Just... show people doors when they seem to be looking. 

Hmm, I do have the basics.  Some foods, a bit of kit, tickets, and curiosity.  I might get a few more things but... Dunno.  I best write D.C.  I left a bit on his blog but haven't heard back.  I want to see if all is well, what else we might need/want, and coordinate a bit as the time draws nigh.  I'm not too worried, these things do tend to handle themselves if the basics are tended. 

Sleepy blathering again. Good night.