Not sure what they believe.

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Dead, or should have been.  That's... no doubt true.  Did things, that people don't, can't do?  Doubt they believe.  Though... they suspect something.  They just won't believe what they... can't... see?  Something like that.  Though, too, I think they mock.  I... enjoy.  Annoying if it gets a point, that sorts itself out.

Someone suggests becoming wolf.

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I... don't think so.

But there... is an option.

Couldn't sleep longer.

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I woke, clean awake, at 19:00 and change.  I had to push, pull, tug, and else to stay in bed a bit longer.  Being that I looked at the clock, right after crawling in, and remember this time, right at 13:21.  I slept pretty much immediately.  That was just too short of a sleep. 

I made it to 22:00.  Still a bit shy on sleep, but... it's... more, and more like a night.

Oh, the electric blanket works better down in the pile, mid-layer.  The pillows, though, where chill.  Sleep last night must have been topsy-turvy, because the blankets were a mess this morning.  But I so liked slipping into a mildly warmed bed, that I redid the blankest right first thing.  Though this time, I pull the electric blanket up over the pillows.  It just covers the sleeping area, exactly.  Which is fine.  I just have to remember to turn the thing on an half hour to hour before I go up there.

And, I only have it on for two hours, don't need extra warmth all night.  Might even pull on of the other blankets off, or two.  Getting a bit too warm.  It is 52 near me, and 50 out in the room.  Which is a bit chill.  Incentive to get out, get dressed, and get going.  I am rather comfortable sleeping in that.

I dreamed of Sam.  Our ten year friendship, and some I think.  Initial problems, alterations, fixes.  She taught me, I got some give and take from her, and we sorted things out.  I'm just glad I could be with her in the end.  A terribly wonderful experience.  I tell you, I still sense her.  Less and less, but sometimes... she peaks in.  Not a ghost, mind you.  Sassy notices too, sometimes when I do, and sometimes when I don't.

Well... water is heating.  Probably just for a tea first thing.  I'll wait until two or three to begin eating and drinking things with calories.  Oh, the trash and recycling were both picked up.  I pulled the empty bins back, in the early afternoon.  Very good.  Even if they hadn't been picked up, all would be good.  Not their fault in any case.  They have a route, and it is highly variable.  They don't choose when to be by.  Can't complain about their work.  Grateful, to be flat honest.

Wonderful?

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Well, a wonderful headache.  Full-bodied, seriously uncomfortable, from the spine at the base of my neck through to the frontal lobe on twelve threads of hurt.  Nostrils were clogged this morning, part of it.  A bloody nose in one this morning.  Better than the last few days.  I have been having double bloody noses for a week now, on waking.  Sometimes lasting hours.

Whatever.  I stripped the bed, so as to remake the blankets tonight.  I was wrestling with them all night.  Mostly successfully though.  I never felt too cold.

Dreams, lots of them.

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In the first one, my last ex showed up in a van, while I was upstairs sleeping.  Blaring rap music.  Thankfully, she cut it as soon as she stopped and was getting out.  Yes, in her younger days, she would have done such a thing.  Probably doesn't even ever listen to the music, just knows I hate it.  Would have to have borrowed the cd.  Wench.

Sometimes I see.

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Or... I think I see.  Something I find, or bump into, literally or virtually... figuratively?  Some things, when I find them, open some eye(s), which allow me to see, or believe I see.  I usually don't mention it.  I have found that speaking, or writing, on some things, causes... upset.

Still, I am still asleep enough, I decided to go ahead.  Just... few details will be shared.  Nothing personal, just... not everything is to be shared.

Some more music.

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Populated my screen, they did.  Some from other things, others from... memories and thoughts.  I do enjoy when things show, things I appreciate.

Somebody, it seems, wanted the lyrics on screen, plus a visually interesting video for the song I played recently.  They did well, by my grading schedule, so I thought to share it.

A few... thoughts.

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More animal than human?  Sometimes I wonder.  If so?

Crocodile? Alligator?

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As written.  But... which is which?  Or, more truly, who is... whom... which?  Oh, I've been accused.  I love it when she accuses, blames, points the finger.  I... do.  And I know she means it.  I also know she wouldn't have it any other way.  From her side, or my side, and she, too, is what she is?  Yes.

Awake for a bit now.

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Sleep was good.  Can't remember when I went to bed, though I think it may have been an hour or two after even the last post.  Just couldn't sleep.  Or was it?

It actually did get cooler last night, down to 75 as a high.  Actually, I think it only got to 74.  More, I got cold.  I ended up with three blankets, and cramps because it was cold.

It was 55 outside this morning, but he house was pretty warm.  I have fans going, and the place opened up, for what little that is doing.  It just just staying warm, and getting warmer.  I can hope it will cool a bit, with everything open at the moment.  But... no surety.

Each day is a bit differently.  I don't know how long I will be awake, how hot it will get, or cool.  Those two things seem connected, though not always.  If it gets to the lower 90s or better higher 80s, there is a better chance the nights will get down to 50s, or at least low 60s.  No guarantee on anything, just... odds increase that a hotter day will lead to a hotter night.  So, yes, I pray for the high 80s, low 90s, clouds, rain, and any cooling possible.

I am befuddled as to why it isn't cooling this morning, though.  I had the back opened up.  Well, four of the back windows.  And, two fans going.  It was 86 in this front room this morning.  Oh... it... has started cooling, with the front door open, down to 78.  If that is still pretty warm.  It was 78 in the rest of the house, but is now... 75?  Actually it is saying this front room is to 75, just not near the computer and me.  Okay.  So it is cooling.  I left the upstairs buttoned up and with ac and fans.  I'll just have to leave that as is for the day.  Then again, I used to have to run it 24/7, and often have two of them running at a time, plus fans.  So... better.

I may do a very few things, then sleep through the late morning and into the afternoon, so I can be awake when it is cool.  While getting day back was good, it also kills any ability to work.  It's just too hot.  I merely slip through life, barely, and drift past sleep because I can no better be find sleep than I can work, in that mucky heat.  Too old.  Too ill.  But, I can do some work, if it is cool enough.

Oh, such strange dreams.  But they weren't mine.  I can... tell.  Geometric, yet humanly organic.  But, whoever it is absolutely refused to see himself.  Hit all other human natures, directly, in case it came back to them.  They hate what they look like, or how they function, or... something.  They aren't suicidal or anything, they just have aversion to their own appearance.  It seems to stifle their imagination of himself.  It's not like women, who fear they aren't sexy, until they fear they are, and have some love hate relationship with herself.  Men, especially certain types, just... aren't interested in themselves.  Holding more like a Monty Python, or Dali, view... of themselves and the world.  

I, at once, thought that was a mental illness.  But, now, I think it is just a certain mindscape that leads to that.  Now, I don't believe in modern psychology, but I do believe in psychology.  The mind works in ways, and those ways can be studied, used, and abused.  As well, there are more normal, and truly broken, ways of thinking.  And, there are majority and minority subsets of the various.  But paying someone hundreds of thousands of dollars, based on finding problems which they are supposed to fix?  Only, knowing, that paying someone a small fortune to fix an issue that doesn't affect anything is a sure way to create a neverending job, until the king realizes he wears no close, for which he has paid a fortune?  No.  Neither should you.  Modern psychology, as a profession, as with psychiatry, is a scam.  There is no definitive diagnostic which is universal.  And, even if there were, would it be created, or genuine.  They are too immature of a study to even begin trying to help people.

Well... on to... waking.  Later.

Just not getting anywhere.

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I don't think I got the dishes set to wash, from yesterday.  Which... is fine.  I am making soup, currently.  After that, and eating, I'll set up what was sullied yesterday and today.  As well, I may hit the shower.  Nothing fancy, but a little cleanliness is wonderful.  After that?  Before that, actually, I'll get the sprinklers set up, and ready to roll tonight... whenever I end up getting up.

But, after the sprinklers being arranged, dinner, dishes set up, a shower, and some air drying, I'll go on up and sleep for... however long.

I just shut the house up.  The front door was closed earlier.  A parade... a local event.  Statewide, actually.  If I had a place to watch, where I would be difficult to see, I might well watch.  I enjoy such events.  Have since I was a child.  And, I might even know some of the folks involved.  Though enjoying does not always require such, it adds to it.

It was 85 out there, moments ago.  It is in the higher 70s to 80 in on the machine.  Upstairs and down.  Though, with the ac back on, and the upstairs shut down, it should cool a bit, especially with it being partly cloudy in such a way that the sun doesn't seem to be at a full shine.  That could change in a heartbeat, and it could get really hot, really fast.  Or, cloud up even more and pour.  It really isn't the right month for that, but that has already been set aside, in a number of ways.  Seasons aren't seasons anymore, and at least up this way, hot isn't what it used to be.

Oh, even 85 would get to me, over time.  So, just because it isn't in the high 90s and low 100s doesn't mean it won't take me out at the knees.  And, it's been 93 to 97 the last few days anyway, which really is getting to me.  That I am doing anything, and trying to regain days... doing so to some degree, from time to time.  It's... something.  I am doing well, I just have limits.

Not sure if it will be a nap, or a full sleep, when I do get up there though.  Not... worried, about it all, either.  It'll be what it is.  I do my best.  I don't worry about the rest.  Later.  Or even later.  Or goodnight.

Q&A

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The things people think, wonder.  It... really does show.  Or... I am laughing at the wind?  Who ever really knows.  One, for the most part, and at best, can only suspect.  Suspect, surmise, guess, figure.  As for me, I am a very suspicious sort?  Well, I certainly suspect a lot.

Is it a question, or an answer, though?  Who are you?  Is it, are you... so-and-so?  Or... you ARE so-and-so.  Though... who that may be is... anybody's guess.  Depends on who is thinking what, when they are thinking it, at any given moment.  The devil, an angel, nephilim, man, worse... which... also start with a "w", and is closer to devil, than man, in... more ways than one often enough.  *wink*

Someone thinks something.

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I'd advise you not to confuse the teacher with the lesson, more so with regard to Noone.  Still, I like that you remember the lesson.  As with all things, in truth, there is never a teacher.  Just someone who saw what you might see before you saw it.  And, might, perhaps, help you see what you need to see before you would have caught it on your own.  But no man can change your mind.  That is all on you, and learning is changing your mind.  Amen.

Such... strange notions.

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Does someone think I am what I was?  Even then, I was never that.  I liked em', I've had many, but I don't need them.  And I don't fall for the easy ones.  Pretty?  The girls next door are pretty.  These are women who are trying to find the highest bidder, and, as such, will never find love, or be loved.  How many times was Marilyn Monroe wed?  How many men did she do?

A few things, finally.

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I checked upstairs, first.  Yes, the ac had to be turned on.  Cooler than the front room, by nine degrees, but at 81 it's too hot to really work.  Definitely too hot to sleep.  So, I closed the windows, turned on the ac, and came down to do a few things where it is cooler.  It's 75 to 73, in the center or back areas.  Nice, really.  Almost cool.

Oh, and I am a bit surprised.  I used to keep the house closed up, because I thought... it would all burn, if open.  I have been experimenting.  To be honest, I think it is a lot cooler open, even up here in front, than it ever was all boxed in.  The ac upstairs wasn't on today, so that wasn't a part of it.  And, yes, I had the door to the upstairs open.  Two fans going, up there, for what little that does?

I filled a bucket of water.  Remember, I prefer to water the critters, including Sassy, from before the water softener.  I have the r.o. to take out stuff, they don't.  And, yes, the rabbits prefer that water to house softened water.  As does Sassy.  Strongly prefer... so it's a win-win.  It just means I have to hump a five gallon bucket from the hydrant three or four times a week.  Check.  Will do.

So, I refilled the waterers.  I just refilled Sassy's water yesterday, so... won't bother today.

Then I filled the bottles, of r.o. water.  I may need to refill the reservoir.  As well, while at those things, I rinsed and dried the microgreens growing columns/trays and set up two of them.  Alfalfa and broccoli seeds?  Something.  I watered them incorrectly, but figured out what I was doing wrong, and how to do it right for next time.  As well, I swished things around, to get the seeds separated better, again.

Then I put up dishes.  What were dry and ready.  I wanted to get to the dishes, rinsing.  I just ran out of steam.  I didn't even reset them.  Then again, I want to wash the freezer top off again, first, anyway.  Then I'll reset the rinse.  Set the alarm for an hour and an half.  THEN, get to dishes.  But, really, I will get upstairs, cool off, and do some work, or set up medicines, while the place cools.  I may experiment with a window down, to see if hot air can be pushed out with fans, and cooled faster in the process.  It's sort of surprising how things really work compared to how one thinks they do, should, ought to, work.

Well... at least I got to some things.  While it is 90, with "Lo" humidity, in this front room, it is down to 86 outside.  I am not sure when it started to turn around.  I can't remember when I looked last, but it was 92 then.  Did it get to 96?  I can't remember, but I know I saw it 92.  A bit surprised that it is already cooling.  Or that I am doing just fine.  Moving a bit more slowly, but... not crashing, hurting, dying, in the heat.

And, still... thinking.  Later.

She did answer.

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Yesterday she wasn't feeling well, so slept.  Long, early.  Today they have no sun, clouds.  No rain though?  Anyway, that did as I suspected?  Who ever really knows.  She had been napping, but was awake when I called this time.  Always a bit worried, not getting through for a few days.  Not terribly worried, just that... gnawing concern.  Grows with time.  Just glad to hear her voice.

They need rain, it seems.  We could, probably, always use some too.  But we don't get rain this time of year, usually.  So, for us not getting it is the usual.  For them?  It's a problem.  But... that is farming.  It is gambling, with mother nature.  You can't win, though, with a bit of wisdom, you can lose well enough to make it through.

A few more things done, just smaller things.  I haven't gotten to dishes, dry or rinsing.  I haven't checked on laundry.  I did some things.  Ah, refilling water jug, and will be set up for finishing that this evening.  The grill is going, if I forgot it and it burned down a bit.  I am going to do the roast, on it.  Am... doing the roast.  Though, too, if there is enough going, I hope to do the chops and chicken drumsticks.  Those, I'll have, for dinner.  The roast is for the weekend and early week.  Then again, there will be leftover drumsticks and chops, I think.

As well, fresh veggies and a potato.  Life can be quite nice.  I might be sort of tuckering out.  But I have had a good week.  I even went spraying one night.  Just as a passenger, but... it was something.  Seriously, this has been a heck of a week.  And, more, I am not worn out.  I don't have much energy left.  It isn't being restored quickly.  But... I am not trashed, crushed, zapped.  I'm not even sore.  Well, the shoulders, but more just remnants from whatever was wrong with them before I even started digging in.  Actually, I am suspicious that the efforts have helped the shoulders, more than hurt them.

No.  Not bad.  And, maybe, I'll go slower this weekend.  Then pick back up next week.  Well, and get that swamp cooler chugging this weekend, setup, filled, and going.  Really, quite a good little life and week this week.  If I can keep this up, I might actually get somewhere.  Back to learning Japanese, and sewing.  I really do want to make a suit or three.  One for my funeral.  But, I'd like to wear it before I die, too, you know.

Well... on to cooking.  I'll check the roast.  Later.

Oh?

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Sometimes they really think they can plan the game.

I'm not the only one.

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Been thinking.

Deja Vu

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Better or worse?  Stacked, or serial, not parallel?  Right.

Who... is out there?

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Serving up as if they knew something?  

I love...

Oh, don't worry.

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No matter how a dream is developed, or thoughts sent, the truth is what it is.

How many of you have threatened down the front line of a major college football defensive line?  I have.  Alone, solo.  My cunt cousin got out of the place.  I thought there were seven, he says eleven.  Didn't matter.  And, yes, face to face, up front, me against a row of them.