No nap, bedtime?

.
.
I believe so.  Could try more keto mix.  The truth is I am satisfied with what was done.  I am tired from the work done. And while I am not making progress digging further into the day, I will end up being awake fifteen hours, having cooked two roasts, created enough fatbombs to see me through a week or two, done the dishes at least once, started kefir on the raw milk, shoveled the drive and walk, and... yeah, there was a bit more.  So, I'm good with sleeping.

A funny thing?  There were shards of glass in the tub, shower floor.  I was... unwise in my exhaustion... I just kept washing.  I can't be sure why the bottoms of my feet weren't shredded.  Don't worry, I'll get that out before next time.  Weird but true.

Good afternoon and night.

Rather good.

.
.
A call.  I suspected wrong.  Not my mother even if I called her recently and didn't get a response.  *cough*  The neighbor?  Ah a delivery!  What can I say, I like deliveries, some more than others.  In an hour I was told.  So?  Well...

I was at the last batch of fatbombs.  The one out of the freezer I wanted to work, the peanut butter blend could handle to cool.  Then?  Snow removal.  There was only four to six inches, covering only two thirds of the drive... so I grabbed the shovel.  Then salted.  I was just about to hop in the shower when they arrived.

All good.  A bit of talk, trying to not talk too much.   And yet it is good to converse regarding events and news.  I try to listen, more, now.  I can talk so fast.  All good in their camp, save one with... time and life changing events.  To be expected.  I think I surprised by shoveling.  By the way, I almost thought to pray that this storm be mild, then decided that wasn't best.  Not sure if it is over.

After, I poured the peanut butter chocolate mix into the molds, then put it up.  The other mixes separate, I'll have to work on that.  The last mix seems to stay mixed.  Either my ratios are off, people tolerate it for short-term use, or my ingredients are a sliver off.  These really are mostly starter foods, then rare treats.  Still, if possible, I will seek to improve, possibly perfect.  Then a shower.  Those are loverly things.

Next?  Possibly a nap after I dry and cool off a bit.  I lit the interal furnace today.  Then the pork roast and dishes.  And more.  Who knows, especially with that keto mix.  Keto is really coming together.  With holy fasting taking flank and massages in the rearview mirror, who knows.  Who ever knows?  Later.

One never knows.

.
.
I must admit I didn't think, feel, as if anything I did would help.  The slurry has more than ketone crystals, another addition is taurine.  Anyway, the keto go stuffs were mixed inwith tea.  Pretty hard to gulp though not terrible of taste, just... different.  As I was sitting, surfing, doubting... somewhere in there... my feet found themselves, then put the hands where the will could deploy them, and...  The beef roast was readied.  I season then set for an hour... to both better tenderize and spice the meat, salt pepper and an italian blend.  The timer is set, first to sear then roast.

Not finished.  I then set up some of the dishes, more than half but not so many they would hold me up.  Then a short break.  Before I realized Iwas back on my feet tinkering with fat bombs.  All I have is the better coconut oil.  On the good side I love the taste of coconut, if not the harder fiber chunks (which aren't in the oil, just saying).  Oh my.  Really easy, and quite tasty!  Unfortunately I only have one pop mold, which, mostly, takes on batch per shot.  Next batch will be blended, then cooled, then blended again. No real complaints, just for appearances, though a bit for taste.

The timer already went of, so g the skillet is being warmed.  The dishes were hit once in there too.  Beef is now browned and roasting.  Who knew this stuff worked.  Don't want to use it every day.  Actually it is just starter, fast restart, stuff.  Other timer just sounded, fat bombs... might be ready or... another sampling either way!  I'll give it another twenty?  Meh, I'll leave it alone until after supper, have one or two for desert.

Even if that is all that is done, not bad.  I suspect dishes, several more batches of fat bombs, and the kitchen surfaces will be done.  Oh, and the bathroom plus a shower... already cleaned the bowl, if the lid can get another shot in the shower when I finish in there.  Nice, and keto and fasting friendly.  Amen?  You know?  I think so.  Again.  Amen!

Later.

Awake with hope.

.
.
The hope is that of the hopeless.  There are saints for the impossible, and lost.  Not my soul, spirit, but ability to life seems hidden.  Still, plans.

The goals haven't changed.  I have, mostly, maintained what has been accomplished.  A few dishes and pot and pan need washed.  A few glasses, utensils, large and table, have to go in.  Honestly the rest is staying even.  Which means clearing and cleaning of surfaces, clearing the nook, hall, and laundry floors, cleaning the bathroom, a shower, and food.  Food needs to be worked first.  I realize I am fasting, even now, as much because I can't keep up on food as anything else.  I am using keto grains, once so far, in an attempt to source energy.

I'll hit the grains shortly in hopes of that allowing cooking.  After that I'll see what can happen.  I am hoping six to eight ounces of beef works from that point, and more keto grains if work continues and extra energy is needed.  I won't check bp until tomorrow or the next day, give the stuff a chance to work and besides checking daily is... obsessive.  Not absolutely sure anything will be done.  For cooking, food prep, two roasts and fat bombs are the wants.  Chocolate, peanut butter, and a mix.  I'm not so worried about carbs, at least not to that point.  Assuming I can get it done in the first place.

Awake at 12:30(ish).  Been waking for... an hour and an half already?  Bleh!  Later.

Ah, that time again.

.
.
Little done.  Medicine was reset, plus adding supplements.  Hmm, other than eating, taking meds, feeding and watering the girls...  Oh, awake to the late hour.  That does take it out of me.  Hmm, right, will check the cat litter, feed them again, then off to bed.  I am guessing by 15:40?  Give or take ten.

Worried or hopeful?

.
.
I never can tell, not always, fully, what is considered.  Though I suspect a notion down to a few probabilities.  In this case a fear or hope, dealing with reported bp.  High?  Oppresively.  It's only been this high for a week, maybe nearing two... by feel.  I have had it average 217/170 for six months.  No, one does not make the other good.  The worst merely adds perspective.  The song pulled from back?

Nap.

.
.
Hoping to get a short sleep in so as to get a shower and business done, maybe more.  Going down at 4:55.

BP is whack. And a new day.

.
.
Almost literally a new day, awake at 23:26, after ten minutes of contemplating going back to sleep, then realizing it wouldn't happen.

Yes, blood pressure is way out, 207-198/140-138, pulse at 91-78 (right-left arm).  They say that has no physical symptoms, I think that is only true of those they over (or wrongly, or both) medicate.  Then again, as to cause?  I am taking as much medicine as I dare take and hope to maintain.  Any more and I begin crashing off the stuff.  I have two potential aces.  I stopped taking a supplement which seemed to measurably help, to simplify starting meds wholesale.  I could try adding those back in... on this dose, with those, was keeping it around 150-140/100-90.  Not perfect but much better.  The other thing?  Massages.  Those, after a summer, had my bp into 120/90.  Not sure how quickly it improved but believe it was rather quickly...  If I can set, then make, appointments.  Ugh!

Will look on the net tonight, call tomorrow.  Looking for a place which offers that and medical pedicures, at least to teach better foot care.  I... am not doing something right.  Luxuries?  Taking care of the body is not luxury.  Pills can't seem to do the trick without 24/7 care, if I doubt then.  At the point medicine would control bp and pulse it would at least create medicinal catatonia, maybe death.  I wonder if that was their real goal.  Wonder?  And the feet?  I have to get ahead of that before getting in trouble with that again.  Ugh.

Not great news but I have a plan and some of the assets.  I can start supplements immediately and begin checking into the rest.  And tending my soul, arranging a confession and the blessing of sacramentals.  I have been waiting for regularity, certainty, in my schedule.  That may not arrive so I may just have to arrange things on as short a timeline as possible based on what is probable in hope with faith.

On another subject, the kefir is impressive!  The new stuff.  The instructions suggested the grains would not start growing, expanding, for six to eight milk changes.  Not so, in the good way.  After just four changes I am almos at the point of setting whole batches aside before then having to eat or toss the excess excess.  There are limits to how much can be stored or used, or even eaten.  I wonder if chickens would eat this, cats?  I have nearly a gallon second souring, just to see how well that works.  A newish experimental process.

Later.

Not bad.

.
.
Had to go slow to last.  I haven't seen 15:00 in quite some time, naturally.  The struggle to regain days is far from a fait accompli.  This is just a step in the right direction.  A few more steps before yanking back on the reins.  Better, I don't believe I damaged myself in the effort.

Lead?

.
.
The stuff you don't want in your food, water, or environment.  Beside making you batty, insane if chemically induced not natural, before it does any such thing it causes one to weaken physically.  How I came about that information was... I was doing a bit of touchup regarding a childhood hobby, the fan-boy hero worship of the early explorers, whom I cheered win, lose, or draw.

This particular venture I studied ended in a total loss.  And while it is easy to suggest bad decisions, politics, and false elitist ideals were to fault, it was the same issue whether adventures succeeded or not.  The real problem was their then global warming which caused those waters to freeze over several years in a row.  Do not even take that as anything but a chuckle at modernist tomfoolery by the way.

While there were a number of problems which didn't help, including lead sealed cans, which adds sweetness, and causes exhaustion, the real problem, only one due to it stopping movement until they were far too low on food and wearied from lead, to escape.  Anyway...

What all that resulted in was a consideration.  Could lead be a problem here.  Thus digging.  The EPA, if it's politicized bureaucracy can be trusted *Flint, Michigan* one way or the other, suggests 15 ppm is their standard... though for disolved, particulate, or both I doubt if even they know or have someone in contact with the public who could tell.  Why do they have even those that remain?  Literally what good are they?  Anyway...  If the plumbing is pre-1986, which this may or may not be, lead may be used in the city water connect, pipes, and copper solder.  Okay.

Now, so, how does one test?  More looking.  There are several types of tests.  The first is purchased, tubes are filled and mailed in, and in a week one is supposed to be able to check online.  You are supposed to sign in first, to facilitate access asap.  The problem is signing up doesn't work.  Veracity of tests, access to results, everything about that was dubious.  The other type was water strips.  The problem with those?  Only tests dissolved lead.  So, how do you know?  An expert informed that... you can't know, especially with lead piping or solder or old city connect, as that can add particles at any time.

I checked whether reverse osmosis works on lead.  It does, so long as the bladder remains intact.  How do you know that?  Measure particulate in the r.o. water, then tap.  Done recently but something to keep a closer eye on.  Paranoid?  As tired as I am, no.  Bad heart and all, but this has been unusually bad, more so given my exemplary attention to the details of food, medicine, sleep, hygiene of person animals and environment (given the givens, if not bad even so).  If I am getting lead...  Though I will be removing the one possible source, mostly, shortly.

Down for a nap.

.
.
One project started, filling in a form for autopay on mortgage.  As it is set, assuming all is correct, they file it right, and else, I should be on autopay in two months.  Further, just from the extra, the place should be paid in fifteen years.  Assuming, what, that only a third of full mortgage goes against the place, toward the beginning, I can hope for a ten year payoff... or less, especially if I watch my pennies *cough* and add more at the end of the month.  *le sighe*  I am horrible with money.  Still, it will happen from time to time.

Then saving to get a few things I can't do done, the tools to do the things I can, and parts pieces lumber, etc.  Well, and a little more money for else.  This spring, a new furnace and ac with humidifier, this fall a new fridge and dishwasher as well as perhaps a small secondary reefer for the porch, for specialt items, then, maybe the second spring or fall out a natural gas generater and eleletrical work (if electrical isn't done this year).  Yea?  *crinkles nose*  Sure sounds like money, which means tightening most other belts.

All good in theory.  :p  Later.  Hopefully just a nap.  And thoughts of the better side of things followed by a hard truth.

Small post.

.
.
Awake at 22:15 or so.  Slept well.  Not sure much will be done.  As to fasting, that isn't the current problem.  I have broken fasting with extra meals lately.  That isn't the problem, and shouldn't be a problem anyway.  Just not doing well in spite of being on medicine, sleeping as able, staying well hydrated, and eating even closer to feasting the last three days?  I'll keep making efforts to regain a real schedule, then adjusting that to days while doing what work in the cave is possible.

Later.

Almost folded.

.
.
All plans were falling by the side, one and next.  I began exploding into tunnel-vision.  I was able, if it took faith and dregs of dregs of vapers and something else?  A helping hand.  The post.  I pushed that, not much choice.  Was going to bring the trash bin in, stumbled in, can't focus.  Would like to call my priest, can't keep a sure schedule and more, can't talk at volume.  Had some other calls, appointments, not yet.

Crashing so hard and fast.  Got some things done.  Had to break some hard rules, for whatever that means in the ether where I find, or lose, myself.  Good night.  Right, to bed at 12:47.

There are tricks and there are not.

.
.
Is this not so?

Up. Better again.

.
.
It doesn't take much of a grind to dull my blade, expend all energy, invoke a cloak of fog.  If given some time off for good behavior allows for a quicker recharge.  Though realizing a few things, tending those, helps.  I could not find a comfortable position with regard to pillows.  I finally remembered that when that happens, it's not the pillows but the neck.  Aspirin is the only thing that might fix it.  It did, if taken nearly at waking.  Still, I was able to rest comfortably for the last half hour, so as to reset bones and muscles away from the malformations pain had begun to form them.

Awake at 19:30 or so.

I have found that a set of Hail Mary's is quite efficacious for some things.  Of course a flustered temptation won't always simply wander off, whimpering back to it's dark source without a fight.  Maybe initially, not after being denied too long.  That darkness then seeks to defile the source of resistance.  Keep pushing through, then invoke others.  Some I have known, some I am beginning to investigate more fully... the saints, and a source I am struggling to grasp almost as much as with Mary in the beginning... my guardian angel.  The latter, it seems, is not to be named, just accepted?  As a prayer multiplier, conduit, and with certain talents to enhance holy discernment or direction?  I don't have that down fully, but did use as an ace up my sleeve in the push-back event to good use.  Worked surprisingly well.  Go get em'!  And he did.

Now, to see about today.  I am chalking nothing, save the post office, in.  Though, with the need of a shower, dishes are in the way.  Anything else will... happen or not, as I may.  Just because pain has been hidden doesn't mean the causes aren't still there.  The pain is actually still there.  Live with pain long enough and you learn some bitter truths.  Where you go from there will lead you humbly home or into the hells, starting with denial of that reality then on to denying anything else required to maintain that initial denial.  That rabbit hole is deep.  Don't... deny pain or that reality.  It will eat you.  Know it, treat it reasonably, but don't then double efforts over the pain sensation modifier.  Amen.

Can't go today.

.
.
Just can't.  Tomorrow pretty much for sure.  At 9:17 good night.

Woke? Really? Want to actually wake?

.
.
Yeah.  Oh, I took some hits.  Some I do accept, one... I have doubts regarding.  Harsh, in many ways.  If you aren't Catholic this just... it would be far too harsh.  However, if you wish to know what traditionalist consider, the orthodox, and can keep your feelings in check?  Here you go.  If you are a marginal Catholic, I hope you give it a shot.  If you are strong, this will still sting.  Amen.

Oops.  Almost posted directly.  I hadn't seen this end request before, will have to review.  I do my best no to step on toes.  The request is to send people through a link, to the youtube site?  Very well, Our Times Part 1: Our Lady's View of Our Times - Fr. Ripperger.  It is a workout.  Good luck.

I woke at 4:41 by the way.  The video isn't that long, if not short.  I just took breaks and else.  Later.

A nap.

.
.
Short or longer, for some.  Down at 3:01.

Almost on my feet.

.
.
Technically awake at 20:30.  Tried to bull on back to sleep after waking at 20:00.

I don't know about you, but when my body wakes, good, bad, or ugly, then I am up.  Today I woke between ugly and bad, if I think it will pass quickly enough.  Thing is I didn't want to deal with that spit of time.  It seems I only made it worse.  Some days it is better to take your licks, if not always?  And you can never know which is which.

Dreams, of teaching and being taught.  Of being the humble only to stumble on pride in even this.  The world is full of physical, psychic, and spiritual nettles and thorns.  Can't know them all, must be stung by some before understanding sets in, sometimes often.  Sometimes, for the greater good, some barbs need be simply endured, as Christ taught quite by example.  Many such dreams, though of no previous examples I recall.  The two virtues being prayed to obtain are charity and humility, one from each set... might be the fountain from which the dreams flow.

Hmm?  Today, or what passes for my day?  Well... the completion of what was planned recently.  The completion of the kitchen, the bathroom, the last of the dishes, another load of laundry, and if there is time and energy on to the front room.  I am not as worried about everything, or immediately.  Some days I am slower, some jobs take longer by far than anticipated even working at a solid pace, as well some even larger tasks crop up which weren't anticipated.  Still, that is the goal for the week.  As well as the laundry area and rear hallway.  Cake is the reward if all that is done by next Friday.  Yeah, still fasting, if I am eating earlier in order to kick off work, and will begin using ketone crystals today, later on, as with electrlyte powder, if I break a sweat which I usually do, several times a day with housecleaning.  The bed and morning prayers have been done.  Didn't feel like it, which... is becoming the signal to do things around here.

First, waking.  And crisping chicken in the broiler for the first meal, with beef as lunch and final meal at 1:00 or so.  Yeah.  I hope thos crystals help, if I don't think twice, even once, a day every day is right.  Just starter and special day stuff, after I kick into ketosis rightly.  Though the need should slacken.  Currently at 15 ketones, or the measure of it, considered light.  Not bad given my recent carb dive.

A quickie.

.
.
The other day I presented music, if with mild treatment.  I wish to fix that.

I suggested that this fits on this blog.  However I did not present the notion fully.  At the time of my fall I did consider it unfair.  I lamented grandly, even attempting to dispose of my very life, if physical pain beyond your ken played a part.  Possibly part of why I may have found myself where I did.  As well, there was some wish of this on others, who cared little while enjoying their lives, in a vengeful way.

Food.

.
.
Had to set things aside in order to cook.  I did get most of the way through dishes and laundry.  I was truly hungry.  Beef and chicken.  Pork is also thawed, I just don't have time to cook that.  I'll do that when I wake next.  I will finish laundry, not dishes.  Ugh.  I'll probably be to bed by 10:00.  Same as yesterday.  Perhaps I'll try to push to 11:00.  Blah. Yeah, probably necessary to do laundry and put food up.  Good morning, day, and night.

A short.

.
.
Mostly.  Awake at 3:03.  As if hit by a truck.  No pain, just... as if I was well and truly run over, or otherwise well and truly clobbered.  A bit longer of a nap if I am surprised the sleep didn't end up a full sleep.

The other thing was from yesterday, dreams.  I dreamed of being on the front lines when one side or the other was charging.  A snippet of every war the US has engaged back to the civil war.  War is far too often run by bloody minded idiots, on every side.  I suspect it has always been so.  Be glad if you ever had good leadership to the right levels, and civilian leadership that doesn't try to play tin hat generals (which usually means not a Democrat).  Horrid dreams, like the visitation of Christmas past, was it, only so many more visits.  Each was it's own dream.  Wasn't sure I wanted to share, but couldn't see why not after all.

Later.

Brutal.

.
.
Not pain, just the amount of effort it seems to take to do so little work.  Sticking with it as is possible.  I went through the kefir.  Not a grain to be found.  I, probably wrongly, dumped it all, starting over with the new stuff.  Sometimes, the instructions with the new stuff indicates, if the curds and whey separate, grains won't be visible.  Then just mix, use some of the mix with fresh milk, then watch more carefully.  The thing is I never saw grains with that stuff.  I have two pint jars at it, using the new grains.  What a waste of time, that other stuff!

Another load of laundry through, then one more.  The last of the dishes, mostly kefir jars, and just a few dirty and new items.  Always more if so close to being caught up.  Trash went out, recycling went if just to the bin.  None of the neighbors have theirs out, so I don't know if it is both or just trash day.  Fried, for the moment.  Nap time I suppose.

Down at 0:29.  Later.

A reasonable sleep.

.
.
I would rather return to eight hour sleeps.  Six hours, as to function after, was better until my health couldn't bear the brunt.  Winter seems to demand, usually, a few more hours, to ten or twelve, when as always sleep is possible to regulate.  Still ten hours beats three to five down with three to ten up.  Every day can be as three, with each dragging on for little eternities on top of that.  Just a taste.

Awake at 20:00.

Not all bad.  There are advantages to such a way.  If you ever find yourself in little forevers figure how to capitalize.  Trust me, of mind and soul you can advance at least what you lose of flesh, heart?  Sad the fools who waste it all in the simple.  Further, they will, can, never be true.  Pure indoctrination, in any direction, isn't a path to truth.  There had best be more than mind or memory.  Whole mind, HEART, and SOUL, or it's not enough.

Today?  Trash has to go.  Out and to the curb.  I'd like to hit the toilet and floor in there.  Then any last bits in the kitchen, plus extra... to make the kitchen a good spot better than before.  Clearing the tabletop and opening more of the back nook.  After that, if there is more energy for work, then three things in the front room... boxes from there upstairs, the computer desk together (new one), and perhaps the lovseat cleaned and put out there.  Perhaps a nap some time around what could become the halfway mark.

Nice surprises.

.
.
I was almost certain, after setting dishes for a soak then putting laundry into the dryer, that it was finished.  That was depressing.  Not just because I wrote the goals, but because I really wanted to do them, and thought I could.  Something seemed to pull me along.  I let it, followed.  First the dishes were washed, then set to a rinse.  A minor rest was had, then right back to them.  After those, on to the laundry.  Two towels and a t-shirt needed more time, the rest was ready and is folded and stored.  I'll probably finish the rest in a few minutes.  Especially since I realized it is Sunday not Monday... which would have meant trash needed to go out immediately.  I was sure the atomic clock indicated it was Monday.  All good.  I'll have that out tonight, just a few bags but they need to go.

Next work session, if it stays solid, will be finishing the kitchen up to the last best and change... a bit more... trash, and hopefully on to the front room.  I may feel like I am breathing through lungs with a few too many holes, running on a heart that has no thump, in a world that is only partly real, but I'll do it.  It is what is left to me.  And it doesn't hurt all of the time.

Right.  Calling it bedtime at 10:14.  I am focusing on being to the post this Tuesday as my next time-stamp event.  The reason I haven't set up any appointments I suggested is because my schedule is raw chaos. Until it becomes regular in some meaningful way I just can't risk the trouble.  Prayer on regaining a reasonable schedule would always be welcome.  Hey, I never ask for a dime, don't even advertise.  I'm not even pushy, just a thought.

Good morning, day, and night.

Some of it.

.
.
Laundry wasn't what I thought.  I always forget that making the bed is part of it.  Not always a major thing.  When crawling, or attempting it, out of the crypt, everything is a lot of work.  Late to start but all is good.  All laundry went back with the bedding.  A shower shortly thereafter, with those clothes going back as well.  Now just a bit of a rest.

More was done though.  I have changed two of the three litter boxes.  The girls seem happier if done in parts.  So be it.  The last one will be reset after setting up the dishes.  As well I set up the nesting bowls and strainer for working with the kefir... to extract the grains.  Tonight, today?  Maybe.  Having it set up means imminent.  Dishes will be set to a soak when water is heated and I am rested.  Then a short rest and water recharge (needed? maybe in this cold) and laundry will be started.  Just one load tonight but all the way through to folding or hanging and putting away.  The laundry may or may not get done.  Oh, and trash needs to go out.  Bleh.