.
.
On the abuse I knew as a child, I have had time to review this as well. I understand, fully, what that was about and why and how it came to be. Whether I had had a father the whole time, or as it was mostly a mother, the same thing would have occurred and it might well have been worse. With understanding coming from the sources my mother had, there were few options open to her. Little she said could alter who and what I was. And yet the world demanded she check any such notions in me, a confused and strong willed child. She could not have known the power of such notions, nor how tormented I was because of the two pulls, that of being what I thought I should be completely naturally, and being what my flesh, society, and finally she demanded that I be.
Her words and weapons were meant to hurt but not harm, to craft rather than destroy. She did what she may that I might be saved from even harsher treatment at the hands of therapists, adults, and more my peers. A different creature leads a hard life among it's own, and harder still on it's own. This is the basic truth. It is a lie to tell children being gay, transsexual, lesbian, bi-sexual, or anything like these is good and is simple and natural. That is a lie. It is a hard, desperate, scorned, beset life. Only those who have no choice to their way of thinking lead that life, and they often hate others. The hate seems to stem from both self-hate and the knowledge of difference. It comes from the price paid to be what they are. It even demands a certain political and religious view so narrow and misguided it escapes reason. And to this end, my mother did only what she could and felt called to do.
As well, with the molestation, I think that was very much along those lines. Showing me the fruits of women was meant as a corrective, perhaps coercive, method of keeping me straight and in line. It was not meant to mar me. And, though it did harm me, anything that does not quite work which needs tending may easily be marked by the effort. There was no intent to harm, only to correct.
I am sure some see these statements as an affliction themselves. But too much of the modern world has forsworn corrective measures, and at every level. I am not a victim of these things, merely a product. The corrective measures, along with my natural instincts toward the family, a newly and strongly found Christian viewpoint, and some logical and emotional inventory of the situation has lead me to grow up and finally be the man I was meant to be.
So pity for me or anger at them is sort of lost on me. They had no other tools, psychology was obviously a flop, what was there left for them? One cannot simply go into a mind and change it. Like a broken leg, a firm painful working must be done to create alignment and then a constricting object must be placed upon the wounded limb in order that it maintain that alignment while healing takes place. So it is with the mind. It saw me clear of harm or death until I was able to assess, clear and free of outside influences or dangers. And, in the end, I think it did work.
For those who choose to continue in such, what I consider, a vain attempt at what is not and cannot be real, I hold no disdain. That is the path their feet have been lead to follow. I will warn that it is a dark, harsh, unforgiving world into which they are entering, but if they must they must. To any who would decry them, spit upon them, or reject them whole cloth, I merely offer the stone Christ offered those who were set upon stoning the adulterer. What He wrote in sand, I send through the Holy Spirit to write in your hearts. Do not just drop your stones and walk away shamed, drop your stones and walk away uplifted. For, you too have been saved. This is my final on that. If you consider these the least among you, as you might rightly or wrongly, what you do unto the least of these, you do also unto Me.
And so it is. I am where and what I am. I know more about women, and men, than I would have ever hoped. Yet I would not change one iota of that path, the thorns that cut nor the roses I have seen and smelled. I think God is very happy with His son, His child, me, who has walked through earth, air, fire, and water to come to be as I am. And, thankfully. I pass any grace I have on to Him, but I leave little flower pedals of it upon which my mother, too, may step.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Okay, prepare the gag reflex.
.
.
Now, for the unveiling.
I told you long ago that I would break with my long silence about my deepest truth, secret, curse.
The time has arrived.
I suggested that I would only do so when my computer was clear and I was sure I could not be traced. I realize now, that cannot happen. I am as well read here as I was there, and more intrusively. I had considered not writing it. I have noticed that, locally, when I write something that it is rather broadly read and that they can connect it with me personally. Anyway, so what.
Until the age of 5 1/2, I thought I was a girl. Oh, the dingle-berries? I knew, just KNEW, they would drop off. I believed I would mature like any woman should. My mother had been told that I would outgrow this notion. But as school approached and I did not, she sought "psychiatric" help. What did the psychiatrist tell me and her, in a joint session? They said I was the way I was because she loved me too much. Yeah, telling an insecure, alcoholic, already abusive, single woman that she loved her child to be wrong was a beautiful thing. It brought the wrath of God down around my head like nothing you can imagine.
For the rest of my years with that woman, even seeming to think or act feminine, to include interest in the arts, brought a beating you cannot imagine. I was scorned, ridiculed, beaten, and shamed. I was forced into masculinity in ways you cannot imagine in the most draconian of manners. Aside from my mother, others joined in the thing. Though I was not beaten by others, I think the menfolk decided that a little kitty would do me a world of good. They sicked a 16 year old female babysitter on me, who taught me everything I was able to learn. Before I was six, I took my first lover, if not by force.
After the beatings and sexual molestation, I learned to keep quiet and maintain an absolute masculine identity. I became a brute and a hardcore individual. Many years passed as such, if I found that being a brute allowed one to do what one wills.
When I became disabled, I tried to maintain such a stance. In time, however, I began to explore the 'dark side'. I came close to beginning hormones, while looking into that community. But what I found in the community was death. There was no real love. What was to be had, in that regard, was physical and freaky. I found no long term relationships and only shallow grave like concepts. Animal behavior really, nothing to stake a claim upon. As well, I found that if one was not liberal, in the evil sense, one did not belong. Being a conservative, I was outed on more than one occasion.
Being called to God, I began to compare and contrast. I knew I wanted a family. I knew I wanted to obey God. And I saw the emptiness of what transsexuality offered. After a brief flirt with the culture of death, I chose life, family (even if unfulfilled to date), and God. I set aside my selfishness and began to hope for more. Real love, a wife, and a family. Something the queer way does not offer and cannot afford.
It has been 5 years or so, since I did a 180, or honestly simply made my own decision without coercion, outside pains, or other influences. I still wonder, but not so much as before, and never with doubt that I am what I am.
As well, I now embrace my masculinity like I embrace life, with gusto and grace. I enjoy being what I truly am and I am looking to share it with the right woman. Having seen and been what I have and was, I know more than any typical male can about those fairest of humans, the woman type. This, though, has it's downside. So, I am working at scrubbing away the lesbian and building up the husband. Nothing is that easy, nothing will ever be right, and I will always have that aspect.
Now you know. And, as I have always said, I am what I am. I am as ugly inside as out, as sinful as Sinbad, as dark as almost any sin, and simply by my nature. But that is the way of it. At least, now, I am on the right track.
This, I tell you, was why Bane had difficulty with me. This is a secret he helped me keep, too. He erased large sections of his comment blogs from time to time because I would become drunk and spout something along these lines. As well, it was something that bothered him greatly.
Now, too, you know. Beyond being a breed, a Protestant, Zen, then Catholic, dark warrior and sinner, I have strong affiliations with the feminine. If there ever was a creature which should have been strangled in the crib, it is this Frankenstein monster. Why God did not dispense of me, on many occasions, when He had all rights to do so, I will never know. Unless it was to allow me to mellow and learn the fullness and truth of my life, my masculinity, and His graces.
That was not as difficult as I imagined. Perhaps with the chirping of no responses, I will learn the further folly of my disclosure. For now, bearing all has rewards all on by itself
Good night.
.
Now, for the unveiling.
I told you long ago that I would break with my long silence about my deepest truth, secret, curse.
The time has arrived.
I suggested that I would only do so when my computer was clear and I was sure I could not be traced. I realize now, that cannot happen. I am as well read here as I was there, and more intrusively. I had considered not writing it. I have noticed that, locally, when I write something that it is rather broadly read and that they can connect it with me personally. Anyway, so what.
Until the age of 5 1/2, I thought I was a girl. Oh, the dingle-berries? I knew, just KNEW, they would drop off. I believed I would mature like any woman should. My mother had been told that I would outgrow this notion. But as school approached and I did not, she sought "psychiatric" help. What did the psychiatrist tell me and her, in a joint session? They said I was the way I was because she loved me too much. Yeah, telling an insecure, alcoholic, already abusive, single woman that she loved her child to be wrong was a beautiful thing. It brought the wrath of God down around my head like nothing you can imagine.
For the rest of my years with that woman, even seeming to think or act feminine, to include interest in the arts, brought a beating you cannot imagine. I was scorned, ridiculed, beaten, and shamed. I was forced into masculinity in ways you cannot imagine in the most draconian of manners. Aside from my mother, others joined in the thing. Though I was not beaten by others, I think the menfolk decided that a little kitty would do me a world of good. They sicked a 16 year old female babysitter on me, who taught me everything I was able to learn. Before I was six, I took my first lover, if not by force.
After the beatings and sexual molestation, I learned to keep quiet and maintain an absolute masculine identity. I became a brute and a hardcore individual. Many years passed as such, if I found that being a brute allowed one to do what one wills.
When I became disabled, I tried to maintain such a stance. In time, however, I began to explore the 'dark side'. I came close to beginning hormones, while looking into that community. But what I found in the community was death. There was no real love. What was to be had, in that regard, was physical and freaky. I found no long term relationships and only shallow grave like concepts. Animal behavior really, nothing to stake a claim upon. As well, I found that if one was not liberal, in the evil sense, one did not belong. Being a conservative, I was outed on more than one occasion.
Being called to God, I began to compare and contrast. I knew I wanted a family. I knew I wanted to obey God. And I saw the emptiness of what transsexuality offered. After a brief flirt with the culture of death, I chose life, family (even if unfulfilled to date), and God. I set aside my selfishness and began to hope for more. Real love, a wife, and a family. Something the queer way does not offer and cannot afford.
It has been 5 years or so, since I did a 180, or honestly simply made my own decision without coercion, outside pains, or other influences. I still wonder, but not so much as before, and never with doubt that I am what I am.
As well, I now embrace my masculinity like I embrace life, with gusto and grace. I enjoy being what I truly am and I am looking to share it with the right woman. Having seen and been what I have and was, I know more than any typical male can about those fairest of humans, the woman type. This, though, has it's downside. So, I am working at scrubbing away the lesbian and building up the husband. Nothing is that easy, nothing will ever be right, and I will always have that aspect.
Now you know. And, as I have always said, I am what I am. I am as ugly inside as out, as sinful as Sinbad, as dark as almost any sin, and simply by my nature. But that is the way of it. At least, now, I am on the right track.
This, I tell you, was why Bane had difficulty with me. This is a secret he helped me keep, too. He erased large sections of his comment blogs from time to time because I would become drunk and spout something along these lines. As well, it was something that bothered him greatly.
Now, too, you know. Beyond being a breed, a Protestant, Zen, then Catholic, dark warrior and sinner, I have strong affiliations with the feminine. If there ever was a creature which should have been strangled in the crib, it is this Frankenstein monster. Why God did not dispense of me, on many occasions, when He had all rights to do so, I will never know. Unless it was to allow me to mellow and learn the fullness and truth of my life, my masculinity, and His graces.
That was not as difficult as I imagined. Perhaps with the chirping of no responses, I will learn the further folly of my disclosure. For now, bearing all has rewards all on by itself
Good night.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Some things will have to wait until Monday.
.
.
I keep forgetting that state agencies here in Utah are closed on Friday. It is not a bad thing, really, as they are open extended hours during the rest of the week. It is simply confusing, getting used to the notion. I hope it is saving the state money, though being an untested thing, I am not certain that it will. As for traffic congestion, I am sure it plays a part in reducing that, since state workers are on the road before large traffic congestion and then after, for the most part. A recent study here suggested that reducing congestion would aid in business gains, which from what I have seen is very likely accurate.
In any case, I will not be getting my driver's license or plates transferred today. No big deal, so long as I keep it in the active hot list. What I will do today is take the air conditioner back, take a few things to my storage and pick up my dolly while I am there, get some target practice in, and eat out. Nothing fancy for today, but it will do, it will get me out of the cave, and it should be fun. Yes, even work is fun. I love being successful and doing work.
Sleep went well. I was able to sleep without the air conditioner if I did use the fan. I could have turned it off midway through but that would have required getting up or something stupid like that. So, I just grabbed the blanket and wrapped myself in it when it got a bit chill, or something. Like I know, but I then became warmer or something. You have to love the sleepy brain. It just does, I think.
Less Tylenol has been needed than usual. I still get cranky, bodily, from time to time. It only gets more severe if I push things, go out in the heat a good deal, or fail to consume enough fluids on top of those things. So, today, I will have a packet of Tylenol and plenty of water to take with me. Life is, once again, moving forward. I am still weaker, I can barely push out a hundred rounds before I am spent, with the rifle. If I can push it up to 2oo hundred standing free hand, I will be happy. The Lord knows I am trying.
Oh, a thought. I may go to the local range today, to shoot. Then I can ask questions about the upcoming shoot and see about some other things. It costs $4 dollars, but that, if not a daily daily, is chicken scratch. My neighbor had suggested we go there sometime anyway, so I will surprise him. It is much closer than the other ranges, and has shade. I think today is to be a hot one, so that would be good. Nothing like doing something different, even without cause. With cause, it is gravy.
Well, okay. It is time to shower and get going. I have seen my neighbor out twice now, in the last half hour. I think he is getting anxious. Now that blogging, commenting, and reading is through (the internet IS my morning paper, you know), it is time that I get going. Oh, I might get a hair cut this morning (oops, afternoon), while we are out and about. It is good to be kempt!
Good day! May the Lord bless your footsteps and may you follow His.
.
I keep forgetting that state agencies here in Utah are closed on Friday. It is not a bad thing, really, as they are open extended hours during the rest of the week. It is simply confusing, getting used to the notion. I hope it is saving the state money, though being an untested thing, I am not certain that it will. As for traffic congestion, I am sure it plays a part in reducing that, since state workers are on the road before large traffic congestion and then after, for the most part. A recent study here suggested that reducing congestion would aid in business gains, which from what I have seen is very likely accurate.
In any case, I will not be getting my driver's license or plates transferred today. No big deal, so long as I keep it in the active hot list. What I will do today is take the air conditioner back, take a few things to my storage and pick up my dolly while I am there, get some target practice in, and eat out. Nothing fancy for today, but it will do, it will get me out of the cave, and it should be fun. Yes, even work is fun. I love being successful and doing work.
Sleep went well. I was able to sleep without the air conditioner if I did use the fan. I could have turned it off midway through but that would have required getting up or something stupid like that. So, I just grabbed the blanket and wrapped myself in it when it got a bit chill, or something. Like I know, but I then became warmer or something. You have to love the sleepy brain. It just does, I think.
Less Tylenol has been needed than usual. I still get cranky, bodily, from time to time. It only gets more severe if I push things, go out in the heat a good deal, or fail to consume enough fluids on top of those things. So, today, I will have a packet of Tylenol and plenty of water to take with me. Life is, once again, moving forward. I am still weaker, I can barely push out a hundred rounds before I am spent, with the rifle. If I can push it up to 2oo hundred standing free hand, I will be happy. The Lord knows I am trying.
Oh, a thought. I may go to the local range today, to shoot. Then I can ask questions about the upcoming shoot and see about some other things. It costs $4 dollars, but that, if not a daily daily, is chicken scratch. My neighbor had suggested we go there sometime anyway, so I will surprise him. It is much closer than the other ranges, and has shade. I think today is to be a hot one, so that would be good. Nothing like doing something different, even without cause. With cause, it is gravy.
Well, okay. It is time to shower and get going. I have seen my neighbor out twice now, in the last half hour. I think he is getting anxious. Now that blogging, commenting, and reading is through (the internet IS my morning paper, you know), it is time that I get going. Oh, I might get a hair cut this morning (oops, afternoon), while we are out and about. It is good to be kempt!
Good day! May the Lord bless your footsteps and may you follow His.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
A simple question.
.
.
Perhaps the gents out there might have some ideas from that side. And maybe the ladies who read here could offer their unique counsel. And, it is a simply question. But allow me to present fully, then ask.
Since I have moved here, and before to my youth, I have had no difficulty finding women with whom to lay. Whether I meet them at a store, in the past at bars, in school or college, where they work, or wherever, it does not seem to matter. Before the last few years, I partook and gladly of the offerings. I have enjoyed many women, probably far too many, though without scourge or disease for my sins. In my decision to become chaste, and my recent decision to become completely and truly chaste until marriage or death, I have had a good deal of freedom to explore these things more fully. And yet the same pattern continues.
That is, I am still meeting women who are quite willing to share their all with me. Which, on the surface, seems to be reason to bolster my confidence and perhaps even dip into the pool of bodily, and hopefully more, affections. It would also seem in line with my goals, that of finding a wife. So what could the problem be? Why would I take exception and flee the scenes only to need to pray like a babbling fool in order to maintain my chastity and goodness? Am I a fool? (That is not the question, we know THAT answer! But bear with me.)
My difficulty, and the question is: Why do I attract only married women? I have had some nibbles, mind you, from here and there, both single and married. But my two strongest hits have been from married women. Neither of them beyond the pale, as lovers go. Both have caused me great consternation in maintaining my oath(s). First to not be with married women, one I made long ago. And finally my oath to chastity. The senses have been so strong that the latter became too weak to sustain for about 3 weeks. The former has held, albeit sorely tested and continuing.
Is there something wrong with me which causes married women to almost flock to me? Is there something I am doing wrong? Must I be less friendly to all to prevent this attraction? Should I speak less and be dull to avoid this? Or is this normal? Are modern women, some women, or women in general, lead to such behavior as a due course of existence? I simply do not understand. Single women seem to want to stay single, married women seem to wish to explore. It confuses me.
The little I know of the two women is that one has been married for a great time, perhaps and most likely, the whole of her life, to one man. A man, often, she speaks unhappily regarding. With her, I think, my size is intriguing. She is an attractive woman who takes good care of herself, and is pleasing to me. The second woman has only been married some short number of years. She, too, is attractive and warm. She is younger than me by a sum but not great sum. Both work, and it is through their work that I have come to know them. Beyond that, I know little.
Confused, but back into the graces of my oath, sit I. Pondering the depths of a pool that I have either played in or now forbidden, but have never understood in any significant way. Though, that is not our lot, to understand the intricacies of intimacy, love, or stirrings along those lines. I do understand this, a swim in either of those offered pools of affection would be a dead end, would become complicated quickly, and would offer nothing but sorrows. Still, I would like to understand my question just a bit more.
Riddle me this...
Have a great day!
.
Perhaps the gents out there might have some ideas from that side. And maybe the ladies who read here could offer their unique counsel. And, it is a simply question. But allow me to present fully, then ask.
Since I have moved here, and before to my youth, I have had no difficulty finding women with whom to lay. Whether I meet them at a store, in the past at bars, in school or college, where they work, or wherever, it does not seem to matter. Before the last few years, I partook and gladly of the offerings. I have enjoyed many women, probably far too many, though without scourge or disease for my sins. In my decision to become chaste, and my recent decision to become completely and truly chaste until marriage or death, I have had a good deal of freedom to explore these things more fully. And yet the same pattern continues.
That is, I am still meeting women who are quite willing to share their all with me. Which, on the surface, seems to be reason to bolster my confidence and perhaps even dip into the pool of bodily, and hopefully more, affections. It would also seem in line with my goals, that of finding a wife. So what could the problem be? Why would I take exception and flee the scenes only to need to pray like a babbling fool in order to maintain my chastity and goodness? Am I a fool? (That is not the question, we know THAT answer! But bear with me.)
My difficulty, and the question is: Why do I attract only married women? I have had some nibbles, mind you, from here and there, both single and married. But my two strongest hits have been from married women. Neither of them beyond the pale, as lovers go. Both have caused me great consternation in maintaining my oath(s). First to not be with married women, one I made long ago. And finally my oath to chastity. The senses have been so strong that the latter became too weak to sustain for about 3 weeks. The former has held, albeit sorely tested and continuing.
Is there something wrong with me which causes married women to almost flock to me? Is there something I am doing wrong? Must I be less friendly to all to prevent this attraction? Should I speak less and be dull to avoid this? Or is this normal? Are modern women, some women, or women in general, lead to such behavior as a due course of existence? I simply do not understand. Single women seem to want to stay single, married women seem to wish to explore. It confuses me.
The little I know of the two women is that one has been married for a great time, perhaps and most likely, the whole of her life, to one man. A man, often, she speaks unhappily regarding. With her, I think, my size is intriguing. She is an attractive woman who takes good care of herself, and is pleasing to me. The second woman has only been married some short number of years. She, too, is attractive and warm. She is younger than me by a sum but not great sum. Both work, and it is through their work that I have come to know them. Beyond that, I know little.
Confused, but back into the graces of my oath, sit I. Pondering the depths of a pool that I have either played in or now forbidden, but have never understood in any significant way. Though, that is not our lot, to understand the intricacies of intimacy, love, or stirrings along those lines. I do understand this, a swim in either of those offered pools of affection would be a dead end, would become complicated quickly, and would offer nothing but sorrows. Still, I would like to understand my question just a bit more.
Riddle me this...
Have a great day!
No sleep this night.
.
.
In spite of being quite tired earlier, sleep would not come. I have many things to do today, I only hope I can get to them. I am not sure why I could not sleep, but I have been through this before too. The trick will be to get so busy I do not miss the sleep so much that I fall into it and get nothing done. Breakfast might make or break that deal but I must eat.
I am hoping to pay my utility bill, apply for a Utah license plate, change my drivers license to Utah, pay my rent, and pay my ISP provider. Oh, and find out if, then where or how to return the air conditioner. That is quite a lot, but I am hoping to figure out via a few phone calls how to simplify that by knowing what to take with me to get these things done before I leave. A few lists, some addresses, and whatever items are needed will be rounded up and ready for my travels.
I believe I will continue to keep a shaved face this month, but next month I will begin growing my beard. Beards are excellent insulation in the winter. Though this year I would like to keep a bit more of a handle on the thing. Last year I let it grow rather unchecked. I was in poor condition last year. This year, things are working far better so far. Winter months, often, are my best months, or that is how I remember it. So if summer is good, winter has every possibility of being fantastic.
Have a great day!
.
In spite of being quite tired earlier, sleep would not come. I have many things to do today, I only hope I can get to them. I am not sure why I could not sleep, but I have been through this before too. The trick will be to get so busy I do not miss the sleep so much that I fall into it and get nothing done. Breakfast might make or break that deal but I must eat.
I am hoping to pay my utility bill, apply for a Utah license plate, change my drivers license to Utah, pay my rent, and pay my ISP provider. Oh, and find out if, then where or how to return the air conditioner. That is quite a lot, but I am hoping to figure out via a few phone calls how to simplify that by knowing what to take with me to get these things done before I leave. A few lists, some addresses, and whatever items are needed will be rounded up and ready for my travels.
I believe I will continue to keep a shaved face this month, but next month I will begin growing my beard. Beards are excellent insulation in the winter. Though this year I would like to keep a bit more of a handle on the thing. Last year I let it grow rather unchecked. I was in poor condition last year. This year, things are working far better so far. Winter months, often, are my best months, or that is how I remember it. So if summer is good, winter has every possibility of being fantastic.
Have a great day!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Wow, what a day.
.
.
Okay, fine, I did not get a thing done I had hoped to do. But I did not sit idly by, watching the world turn, either. I did not feel like working in a full day. I was exhausted by the ambush appointment yesterday. Still, when my neighbor was out on the porch, I got out to talk with him. He looked at me a bit sideways and said, "Do you have anything planned for today?". Code words for, want to go shooting or such. So, I said no, what did you have in mind. We ended up going to the tobacco shop, then shooting, then to the store. It sounds easy enough, but when it is 93 F plus, it ends up being a full day.
His .45 is shooting a bit better. He has a problem with the last bullet stove piping. It only does it occasionally now, and only on the last bullet when it does that. At least his cases are landing in a better pattern, it makes it somewhat easier to find them. I cannot seem to get the Henry to aim right. I tried a mallet and punch but that did not move the sights one bit. I did get a good bead, today, on how off it is and was able to adjust a bit better. But having to free hand adjust aim, when it is 2" to 3" inches to the left at 12 yards is tricky at 16 yards. Every distance has it's own "off" range. I will call several places tomorrow and see what device they recommend for the sight. I want to get one that will work for all dovetail sights, not just the Henry. It might cost a bit, especially if I ask that they ship it post haste.
While we were at the tobacco shop, I bought my usual, Copenhagen long cut, a container of five of them. Five cans usually last me several weeks, or more. But sleeping irregularities and such have increased my usage. While there, I thought to pick up some Camel straights and a package of Dunhill cigarettes. Once in a while, I get a hankering for something unusual in the smokes department. They are both tasty, if in very different ways. I used to smoke Camel straights when I was 9 or 10, my boss caught me taking a package (though I left money to pay for them), and just said he would give me a couple of packs (free) since I was a good worker and had been honest enough to leave payment for what I had taken. Of course, I was not to tell my Mom. It was a deal. That was before I chewed tobacco. If I can get back on my feet, I will probably kick it all to the curb. I have quit before and I will do it again. Eventually it will be a permanent quitting.
After we returned, I filled the vehicle's tank, then washed it. It really needed it. A couple of long drives and a couple of weeks, and the bugs were just thick. I did some extra work to try and get the bugs, but I will still need to take it back in a few days from now and do it again. Then we went to the store. I bought some of my usual, milk, more butter, and some meats. But I did look at vegetables and fruits rather than sugary stuff. I did pick up some of that tea my ophthalmologist (?) suggested. I will not drink too much Splenda stuff, as per D.C.'s warning, but I suppose it can help fill some of the gap. I looked at the vegetable packages, frozen of course, and they had instructions for the microwave. I happen to have a set of plastics, with both vent and regular lids, that should make that process easier. Oh, and I picked up some yams instead of potatoes. I will still eat regular potatoes from time to time, but not every night. Perhaps potatoes will be a twice a week special, maybe 3 times so I can have some with eggs and such. Even the yams will only be a couple times a week. They are a bit pricier anyway. I picked up some grapes and peaches (which were not yet ready!). For the price I paid for the peaches, you would think they would be close enough to ripe to eat, but noooo.
Bit by bit, I guess it will all come together. I will be going to Ogden the 15th for my first food clinic. I am not sure if it is an ongoing thing or whether it is a single event. As I said, I will have to work with anything they give me. Oh, and I gave away my ice cream bars and Clondike bars. I did keep two, which I consumed to, you know, get rid of quickly! It was a bonus for doing the right thing. My blood sugar count was down to 216 today. Since I got rid of bad stuff and added some good stuff, I did not mind one last blowout.
I cooked some meat tonight. It was on sale, and looked good, and it was. I also bought a ribeye (the price dropped from $9.99 to $7.99 a pound, so I bought several). I will have to call and see if they sell at a discount if we buy the whole rib and have them cut it. I cannot quite afford that at the moment, but I love doing it that way when possible. Bone in is nice, boneless is fine, just put the darned meat on my plate and get thee hie! Do not stand too close or try to reach in, members of your body may suffer ill consequences. Now to remember to put some broccoli or green beans or something like it in there too.
Not much else got done, but I am good and tired. Tylenol has, mostly, been keeping pain down. I do need the air conditioning tonight, I pushed it today, a lot. I have nine days before I will be in and deciding whether to keep on these medicines or not. A lot depends on a lot, so I really cannot tell if I will continue. And, it is not all my decision, either, necessarily. Though I admit, I am leaning very strongly toward quitting. Unless they have something to help manage the side effects, unless it has worked perfectly, I cannot see the purpose.
I should sleep well, and shortly. A few more Tylenol, my medicine, maybe a shower, a bit of tinkering to let my hair dry, some reading, and down I will go. I may be being a bit ambitious.
Good night, sleepy head.
.
Okay, fine, I did not get a thing done I had hoped to do. But I did not sit idly by, watching the world turn, either. I did not feel like working in a full day. I was exhausted by the ambush appointment yesterday. Still, when my neighbor was out on the porch, I got out to talk with him. He looked at me a bit sideways and said, "Do you have anything planned for today?". Code words for, want to go shooting or such. So, I said no, what did you have in mind. We ended up going to the tobacco shop, then shooting, then to the store. It sounds easy enough, but when it is 93 F plus, it ends up being a full day.
His .45 is shooting a bit better. He has a problem with the last bullet stove piping. It only does it occasionally now, and only on the last bullet when it does that. At least his cases are landing in a better pattern, it makes it somewhat easier to find them. I cannot seem to get the Henry to aim right. I tried a mallet and punch but that did not move the sights one bit. I did get a good bead, today, on how off it is and was able to adjust a bit better. But having to free hand adjust aim, when it is 2" to 3" inches to the left at 12 yards is tricky at 16 yards. Every distance has it's own "off" range. I will call several places tomorrow and see what device they recommend for the sight. I want to get one that will work for all dovetail sights, not just the Henry. It might cost a bit, especially if I ask that they ship it post haste.
While we were at the tobacco shop, I bought my usual, Copenhagen long cut, a container of five of them. Five cans usually last me several weeks, or more. But sleeping irregularities and such have increased my usage. While there, I thought to pick up some Camel straights and a package of Dunhill cigarettes. Once in a while, I get a hankering for something unusual in the smokes department. They are both tasty, if in very different ways. I used to smoke Camel straights when I was 9 or 10, my boss caught me taking a package (though I left money to pay for them), and just said he would give me a couple of packs (free) since I was a good worker and had been honest enough to leave payment for what I had taken. Of course, I was not to tell my Mom. It was a deal. That was before I chewed tobacco. If I can get back on my feet, I will probably kick it all to the curb. I have quit before and I will do it again. Eventually it will be a permanent quitting.
After we returned, I filled the vehicle's tank, then washed it. It really needed it. A couple of long drives and a couple of weeks, and the bugs were just thick. I did some extra work to try and get the bugs, but I will still need to take it back in a few days from now and do it again. Then we went to the store. I bought some of my usual, milk, more butter, and some meats. But I did look at vegetables and fruits rather than sugary stuff. I did pick up some of that tea my ophthalmologist (?) suggested. I will not drink too much Splenda stuff, as per D.C.'s warning, but I suppose it can help fill some of the gap. I looked at the vegetable packages, frozen of course, and they had instructions for the microwave. I happen to have a set of plastics, with both vent and regular lids, that should make that process easier. Oh, and I picked up some yams instead of potatoes. I will still eat regular potatoes from time to time, but not every night. Perhaps potatoes will be a twice a week special, maybe 3 times so I can have some with eggs and such. Even the yams will only be a couple times a week. They are a bit pricier anyway. I picked up some grapes and peaches (which were not yet ready!). For the price I paid for the peaches, you would think they would be close enough to ripe to eat, but noooo.
Bit by bit, I guess it will all come together. I will be going to Ogden the 15th for my first food clinic. I am not sure if it is an ongoing thing or whether it is a single event. As I said, I will have to work with anything they give me. Oh, and I gave away my ice cream bars and Clondike bars. I did keep two, which I consumed to, you know, get rid of quickly! It was a bonus for doing the right thing. My blood sugar count was down to 216 today. Since I got rid of bad stuff and added some good stuff, I did not mind one last blowout.
I cooked some meat tonight. It was on sale, and looked good, and it was. I also bought a ribeye (the price dropped from $9.99 to $7.99 a pound, so I bought several). I will have to call and see if they sell at a discount if we buy the whole rib and have them cut it. I cannot quite afford that at the moment, but I love doing it that way when possible. Bone in is nice, boneless is fine, just put the darned meat on my plate and get thee hie! Do not stand too close or try to reach in, members of your body may suffer ill consequences. Now to remember to put some broccoli or green beans or something like it in there too.
Not much else got done, but I am good and tired. Tylenol has, mostly, been keeping pain down. I do need the air conditioning tonight, I pushed it today, a lot. I have nine days before I will be in and deciding whether to keep on these medicines or not. A lot depends on a lot, so I really cannot tell if I will continue. And, it is not all my decision, either, necessarily. Though I admit, I am leaning very strongly toward quitting. Unless they have something to help manage the side effects, unless it has worked perfectly, I cannot see the purpose.
I should sleep well, and shortly. A few more Tylenol, my medicine, maybe a shower, a bit of tinkering to let my hair dry, some reading, and down I will go. I may be being a bit ambitious.
Good night, sleepy head.
Look Mom!
.
.
I decided to nap after that last post. And boy did I nap. It must have been about 17:00, maybe 18:00 when my head got pillow road rash. *crash* And I slept well. I woke at about 1:00 or 2:00, rather rested as well. But more, I went without the air conditioner. And without the fan! I may have done that once or twice before medicine, since I have been here! That is what the title is about. No feverishness that I could detect for the first time in nearly a month!
I will have to look at my list again, see what I did and what I need yet to do. I did get a good bit of it done though, so that is good. Getting the air conditioner returned and calling my Coralville bank are the two big ones which were not done. I should be able to do more today, maybe a lot more. I will need to rest a bit before the day officially starts again though. I do not think that will be too difficult.
I am still in Genesis. That is a much longer book than I remembered. And, I think I only read selected passages from that last year (or the year before) when I last attempted it. There are some odd things in there. Everything from Abram cum Abraham having his wife say she was his sister and being taken as a bride by foreign kings and such, to the circumcision thing *ouch*, to his buying of land for Sarai cum Sarah to be buried in, and even to his meetings with what is indicated as the Lord, on several occasions. Oh, even Sarah laughing at the Lord's suggestion that she would yet bear a child, and in a year (when she was quite old). She thought it funny that she would bear a child, and funnier still that she would, at her age, enjoy such pleasures altogether. Then she denied it, when heard by the Lord, in fear. And, I am not yet done!
It is not difficult reading, if it is sometimes easy to lose track with the Armalites, and Caananites, and... about a hundred fifty other 'ites. The people involved, sometimes only mentioned once to various lengths, while other people and peoples come and go throughout, so far. It is dense, much like the Lord of the Rings (written) trilogy. I see now, and again, more clearly where some of that came from. I have to think both Old and New Testament figures are easily the druids, as well as the various popes. Their stories are just as complex, and sometimes unbelievable seeming as that of the bible figures.
I am quite sure many have walked, with the surety of the Lord, doing His bidding while only knowing some but more than most yet not being truly able to do more than what they were called to do. All of those have, at times, come near to complete destruction, through time they have come to times where the cultural itself has lead to great weakness in the Church, and there have been times where the Church operated (from the beginning but even later) in exile. I see plainly where man, God, the Church, and enemies are very well described in the Lord of the Rings. I did, even more, in my youth, but I had forgotten how many ties there were between the two.
Oh, about my visit today. I think the doctor (an intern actually) was surprise that my feet were in as good of shape, considering, as they are. He HAD to have read the description of them given by the previous visits in Iowa City. Back then, they were covered in a thick sheet of dry skin that was hard and thick. They spent an hour scraping stuff off. And though it hurt, it did not bleed. This time, only the heals were slightly callused, along with a callus on both big toes, and on my left footpad. Not only that, but I have excellent circulation and sensitivity in my feet, even through the calluses. They are not pretty feet, but they are still good. He kept thinking that he would find serious problems. Every doctor I meet there is amazed I am still kicking, it seems. Really really. And more, that I seem twice as healthy as normal people, and way beyond what they think I have any right to be. For as weak and messed up as I am, I honestly do try (other than the recent fast food and regular soda binge, which I have ended). As well, I seem to have a way of just not dying or decaying or physically weakening as might seem probable in my state (mothballed, it seems). That will end someday, but not today.
I am, however, out of shape. As the world cools, and as I am pushing into handling the weather, I will tend this. I have not, for several reasons, started swimming again, or doing other home workouts. The weather is beginning to shift. Starting next Monday, and for perhaps a week, it will be cool, in the 70's F or so. I may begin planning some hiking trips in that time. One of the trails, about 7 miles of it anyway, is right along a common fishing area. That might make for a good all day event. It would end up being 14 miles, up and back. Quite a trek, but with fishing for the hotter part or when I become tired, it would not be too bad. Taking enough water, something to eat, and perhaps something to take a nap upon would be in the plan. As out of shape as I am in, if the weather is cool, this would not be beyond me at all.
On that same path, if I really begin to do well, I could take it further and pack a couple of days in and a couple of days back as the path cuts across to the next canyon if you are ready for it. My neighbor discussed the path the last time we drove to the canyon. It was this side (Logan Canyon) where his uncle and himself hunted a deer (one he shot and gave to his uncle). And the path he showed me on the other side is where it comes out. Horse back or on foot is the only way to take the path, he said. ATV's will not make it. That has been on my mind since.
I am getting better on these medicines, if I will never quite be up to snuff fully. But if I can push and pull and hammer it into some kind of compliance, perhaps it will be enough. This month was tough with the medicine. Last month was tough just getting used to this place. And the next months, hopefully, will be tougher still as I expand my world however it finds me. I was not meant to be idle. I have hated the last twenty years, and fought where I could to be among the living again. We will see what we will, I suppose. But hope springs eternal, and out here, hope has found a home, a will, and maybe a way.
Time to dinker, then read, then rest a bit.
Have a wonderful sleep or a great day. (*But never say I did not warn you! Ha!)
*warning: The Surgeon Captain
The good life may require a lot of work, patience, and willpower, often beyond what you think you have. Go, do, and hush. (though you may freely complain on your own blog)
.
I decided to nap after that last post. And boy did I nap. It must have been about 17:00, maybe 18:00 when my head got pillow road rash. *crash* And I slept well. I woke at about 1:00 or 2:00, rather rested as well. But more, I went without the air conditioner. And without the fan! I may have done that once or twice before medicine, since I have been here! That is what the title is about. No feverishness that I could detect for the first time in nearly a month!
I will have to look at my list again, see what I did and what I need yet to do. I did get a good bit of it done though, so that is good. Getting the air conditioner returned and calling my Coralville bank are the two big ones which were not done. I should be able to do more today, maybe a lot more. I will need to rest a bit before the day officially starts again though. I do not think that will be too difficult.
I am still in Genesis. That is a much longer book than I remembered. And, I think I only read selected passages from that last year (or the year before) when I last attempted it. There are some odd things in there. Everything from Abram cum Abraham having his wife say she was his sister and being taken as a bride by foreign kings and such, to the circumcision thing *ouch*, to his buying of land for Sarai cum Sarah to be buried in, and even to his meetings with what is indicated as the Lord, on several occasions. Oh, even Sarah laughing at the Lord's suggestion that she would yet bear a child, and in a year (when she was quite old). She thought it funny that she would bear a child, and funnier still that she would, at her age, enjoy such pleasures altogether. Then she denied it, when heard by the Lord, in fear. And, I am not yet done!
It is not difficult reading, if it is sometimes easy to lose track with the Armalites, and Caananites, and... about a hundred fifty other 'ites. The people involved, sometimes only mentioned once to various lengths, while other people and peoples come and go throughout, so far. It is dense, much like the Lord of the Rings (written) trilogy. I see now, and again, more clearly where some of that came from. I have to think both Old and New Testament figures are easily the druids, as well as the various popes. Their stories are just as complex, and sometimes unbelievable seeming as that of the bible figures.
I am quite sure many have walked, with the surety of the Lord, doing His bidding while only knowing some but more than most yet not being truly able to do more than what they were called to do. All of those have, at times, come near to complete destruction, through time they have come to times where the cultural itself has lead to great weakness in the Church, and there have been times where the Church operated (from the beginning but even later) in exile. I see plainly where man, God, the Church, and enemies are very well described in the Lord of the Rings. I did, even more, in my youth, but I had forgotten how many ties there were between the two.
Oh, about my visit today. I think the doctor (an intern actually) was surprise that my feet were in as good of shape, considering, as they are. He HAD to have read the description of them given by the previous visits in Iowa City. Back then, they were covered in a thick sheet of dry skin that was hard and thick. They spent an hour scraping stuff off. And though it hurt, it did not bleed. This time, only the heals were slightly callused, along with a callus on both big toes, and on my left footpad. Not only that, but I have excellent circulation and sensitivity in my feet, even through the calluses. They are not pretty feet, but they are still good. He kept thinking that he would find serious problems. Every doctor I meet there is amazed I am still kicking, it seems. Really really. And more, that I seem twice as healthy as normal people, and way beyond what they think I have any right to be. For as weak and messed up as I am, I honestly do try (other than the recent fast food and regular soda binge, which I have ended). As well, I seem to have a way of just not dying or decaying or physically weakening as might seem probable in my state (mothballed, it seems). That will end someday, but not today.
I am, however, out of shape. As the world cools, and as I am pushing into handling the weather, I will tend this. I have not, for several reasons, started swimming again, or doing other home workouts. The weather is beginning to shift. Starting next Monday, and for perhaps a week, it will be cool, in the 70's F or so. I may begin planning some hiking trips in that time. One of the trails, about 7 miles of it anyway, is right along a common fishing area. That might make for a good all day event. It would end up being 14 miles, up and back. Quite a trek, but with fishing for the hotter part or when I become tired, it would not be too bad. Taking enough water, something to eat, and perhaps something to take a nap upon would be in the plan. As out of shape as I am in, if the weather is cool, this would not be beyond me at all.
On that same path, if I really begin to do well, I could take it further and pack a couple of days in and a couple of days back as the path cuts across to the next canyon if you are ready for it. My neighbor discussed the path the last time we drove to the canyon. It was this side (Logan Canyon) where his uncle and himself hunted a deer (one he shot and gave to his uncle). And the path he showed me on the other side is where it comes out. Horse back or on foot is the only way to take the path, he said. ATV's will not make it. That has been on my mind since.
I am getting better on these medicines, if I will never quite be up to snuff fully. But if I can push and pull and hammer it into some kind of compliance, perhaps it will be enough. This month was tough with the medicine. Last month was tough just getting used to this place. And the next months, hopefully, will be tougher still as I expand my world however it finds me. I was not meant to be idle. I have hated the last twenty years, and fought where I could to be among the living again. We will see what we will, I suppose. But hope springs eternal, and out here, hope has found a home, a will, and maybe a way.
Time to dinker, then read, then rest a bit.
Have a wonderful sleep or a great day. (*But never say I did not warn you! Ha!)
*warning: The Surgeon Captain
The good life may require a lot of work, patience, and willpower, often beyond what you think you have. Go, do, and hush. (though you may freely complain on your own blog)
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Did you know today is NOT August 31st?
.
.
I found out. After making a bunch of calls, including to V.A. scheduling, where I did end up switching something around, I noticed my phone was acting funny. It is a smart phone, so I use it as such. I use one of the applications to store and track appointments. It kept indicating I had an appointment the 1st (which I had forgotten about in any case, so good on the phone). So, I clicked it, then dismissed it. Then I went to the calendar function to change some other things and I could not get the calender to go to today! Hmm, then I started doing a little digging. At 11:00 I realized I had a 13:30 appointment and it would take, minimally, an hour and a half to drive there. I needed a shower and a shave, but only got half of that. Considering I would be being seen by a podiatrist, you can guess which was had. Oh, weird, I just realized, when I called the V.A. to check on appointments, they did not tell me I had one today. Perhaps they thought since I was calling them that I knew. Oh well.
So, after getting showered as fast as I could, I headed out. I made it with about 15 minutes to spare, maybe a bit more. I must admit, I am amazed at this V.A. system here. When they schedule an appointment, it does not mean a two hour wait. I am used to being a half hour early and often not being seen for 2 and a half hours after that. Here, I have only had to wait a half an hour after I arrived, and most of that was in a room after the nurse had taken my vitals (very respectable, and I see that as a very good trait, one not bettered at any hospital or clinic, even the "good" ones). Oh, and with that half hour wait, I would guess I might actually have been seen on time or a bit early. I cannot remember for certain.
Beyond that, other than some disbelief (which I hope soon to disspell), I have been treated with seemingly very honest respect and professionalism. That is still sometimes the way it is in Iowa City, but then quite often it is not. Too often and too severely, it is not only poor personal treatment but a fumbling of actual care. I am not at all sure what the difference is, though I might guess at it. I would guess it has something to do with one of the very important reasons I moved here. I was not sure if that would translate in Salt Lake City, but at least in this case, it seems to do so. Same with Ogden, if my previous doctor tried or is trying to poison the well.
Other than the hurry to get there, the drive was good. The pass between Logan and Ogden is wonderful. It truly possess an epic beauty to even my stone eyes. I noticed it going a bit, and coming back a bit, but both ways something else was on my mind so that I did not have a state of being in which to absorb it to the extent I would have preferred to enjoy it. This is stuff that even a novice camera-aton such as myself could not mess up. Of course, that makes me long for a camera I cannot yet afford. Which is so sad. *world's smallest fiddle* I know. But I can try, right?
I did some of my list before I had to jump and run. I could do more, but not now. I started to get a really bad headache and neck pains even before I headed back. I need to grab a packet of Tylenol for on the road. I will not spend so much for gas station robbery painkillers. That was part of the reason I could not enjoy the scenery on the way back. Oh well, it did not kill me. After the nap, as I was saying, I will see if I have time to take some of my goods to storage. They are open until 22:00 I think.
It was a good save though. I have been trying to be there every time I am supposed to be there. I am trying to do what I need to do. Both for my health and as a new way of life. Every time, every where, when I am supposed to be there I have to do what it takes. My life was expanding, before medicines. Perhaps it can expand even on them, depending on how that goes. You cannot say I am not doing all I can reasonably do, not if you know the facts.
Time for a nap. Have a great (September 1st!) day.
.
I found out. After making a bunch of calls, including to V.A. scheduling, where I did end up switching something around, I noticed my phone was acting funny. It is a smart phone, so I use it as such. I use one of the applications to store and track appointments. It kept indicating I had an appointment the 1st (which I had forgotten about in any case, so good on the phone). So, I clicked it, then dismissed it. Then I went to the calendar function to change some other things and I could not get the calender to go to today! Hmm, then I started doing a little digging. At 11:00 I realized I had a 13:30 appointment and it would take, minimally, an hour and a half to drive there. I needed a shower and a shave, but only got half of that. Considering I would be being seen by a podiatrist, you can guess which was had. Oh, weird, I just realized, when I called the V.A. to check on appointments, they did not tell me I had one today. Perhaps they thought since I was calling them that I knew. Oh well.
So, after getting showered as fast as I could, I headed out. I made it with about 15 minutes to spare, maybe a bit more. I must admit, I am amazed at this V.A. system here. When they schedule an appointment, it does not mean a two hour wait. I am used to being a half hour early and often not being seen for 2 and a half hours after that. Here, I have only had to wait a half an hour after I arrived, and most of that was in a room after the nurse had taken my vitals (very respectable, and I see that as a very good trait, one not bettered at any hospital or clinic, even the "good" ones). Oh, and with that half hour wait, I would guess I might actually have been seen on time or a bit early. I cannot remember for certain.
Beyond that, other than some disbelief (which I hope soon to disspell), I have been treated with seemingly very honest respect and professionalism. That is still sometimes the way it is in Iowa City, but then quite often it is not. Too often and too severely, it is not only poor personal treatment but a fumbling of actual care. I am not at all sure what the difference is, though I might guess at it. I would guess it has something to do with one of the very important reasons I moved here. I was not sure if that would translate in Salt Lake City, but at least in this case, it seems to do so. Same with Ogden, if my previous doctor tried or is trying to poison the well.
Other than the hurry to get there, the drive was good. The pass between Logan and Ogden is wonderful. It truly possess an epic beauty to even my stone eyes. I noticed it going a bit, and coming back a bit, but both ways something else was on my mind so that I did not have a state of being in which to absorb it to the extent I would have preferred to enjoy it. This is stuff that even a novice camera-aton such as myself could not mess up. Of course, that makes me long for a camera I cannot yet afford. Which is so sad. *world's smallest fiddle* I know. But I can try, right?
I did some of my list before I had to jump and run. I could do more, but not now. I started to get a really bad headache and neck pains even before I headed back. I need to grab a packet of Tylenol for on the road. I will not spend so much for gas station robbery painkillers. That was part of the reason I could not enjoy the scenery on the way back. Oh well, it did not kill me. After the nap, as I was saying, I will see if I have time to take some of my goods to storage. They are open until 22:00 I think.
It was a good save though. I have been trying to be there every time I am supposed to be there. I am trying to do what I need to do. Both for my health and as a new way of life. Every time, every where, when I am supposed to be there I have to do what it takes. My life was expanding, before medicines. Perhaps it can expand even on them, depending on how that goes. You cannot say I am not doing all I can reasonably do, not if you know the facts.
Time for a nap. Have a great (September 1st!) day.
No trip.
.
.
I just received a call from my Mom. It seems she will not be able to make the trip, so we are calling the visit to Greeley off. My brother needs her earlier than she thought, she had an opportunity there which demands her attentions, and between it all money has become short. That is understandable. And, though I am not happy I will not be seeing her and the others, my money situation is making me nervous so that a reduction in costs is not a terrible thing. Like many things, it is as sweet as it is bitter, if mild in general either way.
I slept last night and rested for a period this morning, if I could not quite sleep again. All in all, actually, it was a good night. It went so well I was able to turn off the air conditioner for the first time since I started the medication. With just the fan, I rested and (earlier) slept well. I take that risk, turning off the air conditioner, once in a while to see if I can tolerate it. I weened myself off the air conditioner, for the most part and before medicines, on all but the hottest days, and would like to do it again. Bit by bit, I am trying to take back lost territory.
I would like to get a dozen things, or more, completed today. But everyone knows how that often works out. So I will snipe this, tag that, and tend what of those I may. One more thing has been added, that of canceling my lodging. What is it I want to do? Okay, the rundown: I need to call the VA and check on and perhaps reschedule several appointments; I need to call my Coralville bank and see if I can cancel a automatic withdrawl; I would like to see about the return of the air conditioner to Wal-Mart; I would like to talk to my landlady about the selling of my contract and the difficulties I am having with the online sites in regard to that; I would like to create a flier for posting my contract on actual bulletin boards and then print several copies; I would like to take some of my stuff to the storage unit; and of course, I need to cancel the reservations. Cleaning the exterior and interior of the Xterra is on my list, generally. Vacuuming and otherwise cleaning a bit in the apartment is on that same general list. Of course, at some point now that I have all of my transcripts, filling out the online portion of my college application should be done too.
Yeah, that is quite a lot. But the phone calls should be easy, that is about a third of my list or so. The rest will cost and may or may not get finished today. I might have a better chance getting other things taken care of since I will be here rather than gone for a while and I will not be spending the $500 or more in travel, food, lodging, and such that I had anticipated. I might see if my neighbor can remember the gun smith he used last and contact him to see if he would either work on and set, or replace and set, the sites on that dang .22. I like the rifle, but it just is not accurate beyond 15 yards, and even then I have to figure out, every time, at every distance, how to aim it wrong enough to get it close to the target. Then again, as I said, it might be the ammunition. Every gun is different.
Hmm, breakfast first. Two eggs, two sausage links, and some water. Double the protein, a little higher in fat, but no starches, sugars, or such. I am trying to eat more often and less, hitting meats more than anything at the moment. I will be pricing various vegetables, microwavable, the next time I go to the store. I am guessing they cost more, pound for pound, then even steak does and here. And, now that I have learned to cook larger meats in the oven the cheap and easy way, I might look at a couple of roasts. I will miss the potatoes, but so it goes. Yams as an occasional treat will help.
I best get too it, though I will not be doing anything too quickly. Since I am up early, at least I have the whole DAY to go slow. Ha!
Have a good day!
.
I just received a call from my Mom. It seems she will not be able to make the trip, so we are calling the visit to Greeley off. My brother needs her earlier than she thought, she had an opportunity there which demands her attentions, and between it all money has become short. That is understandable. And, though I am not happy I will not be seeing her and the others, my money situation is making me nervous so that a reduction in costs is not a terrible thing. Like many things, it is as sweet as it is bitter, if mild in general either way.
I slept last night and rested for a period this morning, if I could not quite sleep again. All in all, actually, it was a good night. It went so well I was able to turn off the air conditioner for the first time since I started the medication. With just the fan, I rested and (earlier) slept well. I take that risk, turning off the air conditioner, once in a while to see if I can tolerate it. I weened myself off the air conditioner, for the most part and before medicines, on all but the hottest days, and would like to do it again. Bit by bit, I am trying to take back lost territory.
I would like to get a dozen things, or more, completed today. But everyone knows how that often works out. So I will snipe this, tag that, and tend what of those I may. One more thing has been added, that of canceling my lodging. What is it I want to do? Okay, the rundown: I need to call the VA and check on and perhaps reschedule several appointments; I need to call my Coralville bank and see if I can cancel a automatic withdrawl; I would like to see about the return of the air conditioner to Wal-Mart; I would like to talk to my landlady about the selling of my contract and the difficulties I am having with the online sites in regard to that; I would like to create a flier for posting my contract on actual bulletin boards and then print several copies; I would like to take some of my stuff to the storage unit; and of course, I need to cancel the reservations. Cleaning the exterior and interior of the Xterra is on my list, generally. Vacuuming and otherwise cleaning a bit in the apartment is on that same general list. Of course, at some point now that I have all of my transcripts, filling out the online portion of my college application should be done too.
Yeah, that is quite a lot. But the phone calls should be easy, that is about a third of my list or so. The rest will cost and may or may not get finished today. I might have a better chance getting other things taken care of since I will be here rather than gone for a while and I will not be spending the $500 or more in travel, food, lodging, and such that I had anticipated. I might see if my neighbor can remember the gun smith he used last and contact him to see if he would either work on and set, or replace and set, the sites on that dang .22. I like the rifle, but it just is not accurate beyond 15 yards, and even then I have to figure out, every time, at every distance, how to aim it wrong enough to get it close to the target. Then again, as I said, it might be the ammunition. Every gun is different.
Hmm, breakfast first. Two eggs, two sausage links, and some water. Double the protein, a little higher in fat, but no starches, sugars, or such. I am trying to eat more often and less, hitting meats more than anything at the moment. I will be pricing various vegetables, microwavable, the next time I go to the store. I am guessing they cost more, pound for pound, then even steak does and here. And, now that I have learned to cook larger meats in the oven the cheap and easy way, I might look at a couple of roasts. I will miss the potatoes, but so it goes. Yams as an occasional treat will help.
I best get too it, though I will not be doing anything too quickly. Since I am up early, at least I have the whole DAY to go slow. Ha!
Have a good day!
Finally, a bit of decent rest.
.
.
I did have to push it today, first to get up, then to get showered, then to get out of the house. And, if I could only put a hundred rounds down range, I did do that. Of course, there is the driving too. Mountain driving is a little more tiring than local driving, with constant cornering, the need to be very vigilant due to fishermen and campers who seem to think being a foot off the road is okay, and drivers who think my side of the road is 'better'. I did get out and I did enjoy it. Just being out of sick bay is a good thing. Fresh air, some friendly conversation, and some shooting.
That little push allowed me to sleep well after I arrived home. And though I woke up in the early hours, that is okay too. I know I will sleep again somewhere between 5:00 and 9:00, maybe earlier. But more, when I do wake up at 9:00 to 14:00, I will be well rested and ready to do more. I seem to have to maneuver myself and my situation, incrementally, like playing chess, to get myself into position to launch. Trying this, doing that, it is a trial and error thing. I have to work hard just in order to, well, work hard. You would be surprised at how hard I work just to try and work. That seems to be my lot though.
I might, again, try to get out on my own a few times a week. If nothing else, target practicing or fishing. If I can keep this double sleep up (which is a precursor to one decent long sleep period, or that is my goal), that is. Everything I do, whether on or off medicine, is trying to situate myself for a normalized life. Everything I do has consequences, potential payoffs, and potential wipeouts. There is no manual for this, my illness just is not textbook, and further, my doctors seem to not believe me.
I am going to have a serious sit down talk with the woman I will be seeing this coming month. I have to induce in her, through honest conversation, that I am on their side (that being, on the side of health). I do not have a deathwish, I am not disinterested in what they are telling me, and I am serious about trying to be healthy. I have absolutely no interest in telling them lies about what the medication is doing to me. I am not trying to simply get to the Ritalin, as I went through this for four years without ever knowing there was such a thing, or more, that it would or could help. I now know it works, if too I know it only mitigates. It does not bring me back to full potential, it does not always work, and it has a set of problems all by itself. I have to make this absolutely clear.
As for food, I will go to the class and see. But if they try to suggest I live on 1,500 or 2,000 calories a day, they will lose a great deal of my trust. And, yes, I will ask questions about this and other things. I will ask if they can help me customize a plan. And I will be honest about the problems, financial and otherwise, regarding their recommendations and see if we can, together, come up with solutions. If they will work with me, and trust me to a degree, and then go from there, I might be able to do some things. And, I will be honest with them, I generally am. I like D.C.'s plan of steak and vegetables. I have seen that work, for me, quite well. Starches, carbohydrates, sugar, okay, we can drop much of that but not all. But I need real options, not faux health foods, like processed "low fat", low this, low that, when I know they quite often replace one bad with another.
I am just practicing what I will say. Does that sound reasonable? I really have to knock that distrust they have down, first, or nothing else matters. They have to learn to trust me implicitly. I think that last doctor did damage to my reputation, and that has to be fixed. There was something very flawed about the man. I am not sure if it was his liberalism, his conceit, his disrespect of veterans, or what. But he had a pocketful of attitude. I cannot let his problem become my problem. They really need to make sure doctors do not have serious issues with their potential patients or simply serious personal problems.
Well, back to... I dunno. Reading? Tinkering? Researching? Who knows.
Good night, Sweetheart, it's time to go... Shanna-na-na-na...
.
I did have to push it today, first to get up, then to get showered, then to get out of the house. And, if I could only put a hundred rounds down range, I did do that. Of course, there is the driving too. Mountain driving is a little more tiring than local driving, with constant cornering, the need to be very vigilant due to fishermen and campers who seem to think being a foot off the road is okay, and drivers who think my side of the road is 'better'. I did get out and I did enjoy it. Just being out of sick bay is a good thing. Fresh air, some friendly conversation, and some shooting.
That little push allowed me to sleep well after I arrived home. And though I woke up in the early hours, that is okay too. I know I will sleep again somewhere between 5:00 and 9:00, maybe earlier. But more, when I do wake up at 9:00 to 14:00, I will be well rested and ready to do more. I seem to have to maneuver myself and my situation, incrementally, like playing chess, to get myself into position to launch. Trying this, doing that, it is a trial and error thing. I have to work hard just in order to, well, work hard. You would be surprised at how hard I work just to try and work. That seems to be my lot though.
I might, again, try to get out on my own a few times a week. If nothing else, target practicing or fishing. If I can keep this double sleep up (which is a precursor to one decent long sleep period, or that is my goal), that is. Everything I do, whether on or off medicine, is trying to situate myself for a normalized life. Everything I do has consequences, potential payoffs, and potential wipeouts. There is no manual for this, my illness just is not textbook, and further, my doctors seem to not believe me.
I am going to have a serious sit down talk with the woman I will be seeing this coming month. I have to induce in her, through honest conversation, that I am on their side (that being, on the side of health). I do not have a deathwish, I am not disinterested in what they are telling me, and I am serious about trying to be healthy. I have absolutely no interest in telling them lies about what the medication is doing to me. I am not trying to simply get to the Ritalin, as I went through this for four years without ever knowing there was such a thing, or more, that it would or could help. I now know it works, if too I know it only mitigates. It does not bring me back to full potential, it does not always work, and it has a set of problems all by itself. I have to make this absolutely clear.
As for food, I will go to the class and see. But if they try to suggest I live on 1,500 or 2,000 calories a day, they will lose a great deal of my trust. And, yes, I will ask questions about this and other things. I will ask if they can help me customize a plan. And I will be honest about the problems, financial and otherwise, regarding their recommendations and see if we can, together, come up with solutions. If they will work with me, and trust me to a degree, and then go from there, I might be able to do some things. And, I will be honest with them, I generally am. I like D.C.'s plan of steak and vegetables. I have seen that work, for me, quite well. Starches, carbohydrates, sugar, okay, we can drop much of that but not all. But I need real options, not faux health foods, like processed "low fat", low this, low that, when I know they quite often replace one bad with another.
I am just practicing what I will say. Does that sound reasonable? I really have to knock that distrust they have down, first, or nothing else matters. They have to learn to trust me implicitly. I think that last doctor did damage to my reputation, and that has to be fixed. There was something very flawed about the man. I am not sure if it was his liberalism, his conceit, his disrespect of veterans, or what. But he had a pocketful of attitude. I cannot let his problem become my problem. They really need to make sure doctors do not have serious issues with their potential patients or simply serious personal problems.
Well, back to... I dunno. Reading? Tinkering? Researching? Who knows.
Good night, Sweetheart, it's time to go... Shanna-na-na-na...
Monday, August 31, 2009
Not much, but it will do.
.
.
I did get out and shot today. I simply cannot get the thing sighted in. I may have to start looking for a gun smith and see about having it set up and then set in place. It could be the ammo, as there is a limited availability for standard velocity ammunition. Though all of the high velocity shoots further off than this. I do not have much option. I was only able to put about 100 rounds down. I simply became tuckered out. My neighbor was getting tired too. So, even if it was a shorter shoot, and not all that successful, it was time out of the apartment and out in the mountains, which is to say, it was worth the gas to get there and the time spent.
The fever has not been bad today. Actually, it simply has not been noticed. I am not sure if Tylenol does or is supposed to help with fever. The only thing I can be sure of is that it does sometimes deal with the pain. On the good side, I am tired enough, in spite of not rising until 3:30 or something crazy. I might be able to get a bit of a nap in. That actually will help sleep a bit later and set me up for a better day tomorrow. Or, it used to do so, before medicines.
Later, or good night.
zzzzzz!
.
I did get out and shot today. I simply cannot get the thing sighted in. I may have to start looking for a gun smith and see about having it set up and then set in place. It could be the ammo, as there is a limited availability for standard velocity ammunition. Though all of the high velocity shoots further off than this. I do not have much option. I was only able to put about 100 rounds down. I simply became tuckered out. My neighbor was getting tired too. So, even if it was a shorter shoot, and not all that successful, it was time out of the apartment and out in the mountains, which is to say, it was worth the gas to get there and the time spent.
The fever has not been bad today. Actually, it simply has not been noticed. I am not sure if Tylenol does or is supposed to help with fever. The only thing I can be sure of is that it does sometimes deal with the pain. On the good side, I am tired enough, in spite of not rising until 3:30 or something crazy. I might be able to get a bit of a nap in. That actually will help sleep a bit later and set me up for a better day tomorrow. Or, it used to do so, before medicines.
Later, or good night.
zzzzzz!
By the way...
.
.
I have said this before but I will say this again. If my critique of your profession, your belief, or your personhood seems harsh, but you evaluate and see the shoe does not fit. Do not wear the shoe! For example, if I lament women, modern women, who have no family and no chance of it and vote for Quota boy for their salvation (marrying Uncle Sam, as it were), and you fit everything but did not and would not vote for Quota Boy, then let it slide. If I tackle academia (and even the Lord knows I should), or government, or such, but you are devoutly faithful (pick a religion minus muslim) and you lead a decent, honest, hardworking, respectable life, understand that the shoe does not fit (even if you are a little liberal, though we will discuss that too :p ).
As for liberals, I have hopes for these the most. Why, praytell? Because, with 37 (or is it 41, I lose track) brothers and sisters (adopted, half, foster, step, and maybe some other types), 3 Moms, and 7 Dads, not to mention cousins, grandparents, nieces, and such, I am the only conservative in the bunch. I best hope they can be saved. Unless, of course, I get all their stuff if they are not salvageable. *blink* Did I say that? Some of them are quite dear to me, even a couple of whacko lefty sisters. As a fact, until I moved out here, I do not think I knew another conservative. (if that was driving me to distraction)
No, be as angry as you want. And, if the shoe fits and you do not like the feel, then go away if you must. Sites that agree with you and do not challenge you in any way are everywhere. I will not help you with links, find your failings on your own. But if it looks like the shoe fits, and you try it on to find it does not fit, then understand you are not under attack. Oh, and if you are under attack, at least look at the thing. Are you right to be attacked? Are you doing wrong? If so, but you still cannot deal with it, walk. But do not say, when the time comes to assess things, that you have not been warned. And, you can always speak your mind. I may chortle, or do dialogue, but you have that freedom here.
Back to the regularly scheduled programming. *beep*
I could not sleep well until early in the morning, again. I would guess somewhere between 5:30 and 6:00 my clock stopped ticking. Nothing new there. The Tylenol finally worked, and when it did sleep found me exhausted from the suffering. Even when life is a bit harsh, I am quite thankful to still be kicking, in that there might be some good left for me to do, see, experience, or even pass on. And, I thank God nearly every night. Sometimes in pitched fever or total exhaustion, I miss a night here or there, I am not yet perfected.
I would like to do some things today. I woke a bit later in the afternoon, so not much may actually get done. If nothing else, I may go out and shoot a bit. I want to get my targeting down before my next shoot. At least it will only be a bit after that when small game hunting is good, and I should be in fine form to bring home a rabbit or squirrel or three. I think I will call the V.A. and make sure about my appointments and reschedule one of them for sure. Or, at least see if I need to do so.
I might also take some things to storage. It seems like a good day to be out an about. I might also do some laundry. It depends on what I can do. I am a bit groggy, even after being up a couple of hours. And I am hungry. A couple of links of sausage and a few eggs might do the trick. The blood sugar is still up in the upper 200's, so... I suppose I should be careful. But I do have to eat. At least I do not eat toast or bread regularly and I will begin looking over the juices much more carefully. There is only so much I can do. Insulin can help shock it down, then I can keep it there. But I cannot use insulin long term as I then begin dropping to the 50's and 60's way too frequently, and that will kill me. The 600's I can manage, but I know in my heart that below 60 and I am in serious trouble. I feel it in my bones, I have been close enough to death to smell it's breath before, and that is exactly what it smells like.
Not that I mind dying, mind you. As is, in Christ, my life is already forfeit. I gave it away in the service to the service, and after but for my own reasons. It is just that I do not wish to die in a silly meaningless way, and before I have a chance at being or doing a bit more. Then again, that I have learned is in God's hands. Still, I could at least get very ill. Six months with no solid food was not fun. And I have had worse than that. No more games.
Later!
.
I have said this before but I will say this again. If my critique of your profession, your belief, or your personhood seems harsh, but you evaluate and see the shoe does not fit. Do not wear the shoe! For example, if I lament women, modern women, who have no family and no chance of it and vote for Quota boy for their salvation (marrying Uncle Sam, as it were), and you fit everything but did not and would not vote for Quota Boy, then let it slide. If I tackle academia (and even the Lord knows I should), or government, or such, but you are devoutly faithful (pick a religion minus muslim) and you lead a decent, honest, hardworking, respectable life, understand that the shoe does not fit (even if you are a little liberal, though we will discuss that too :p ).
As for liberals, I have hopes for these the most. Why, praytell? Because, with 37 (or is it 41, I lose track) brothers and sisters (adopted, half, foster, step, and maybe some other types), 3 Moms, and 7 Dads, not to mention cousins, grandparents, nieces, and such, I am the only conservative in the bunch. I best hope they can be saved. Unless, of course, I get all their stuff if they are not salvageable. *blink* Did I say that? Some of them are quite dear to me, even a couple of whacko lefty sisters. As a fact, until I moved out here, I do not think I knew another conservative. (if that was driving me to distraction)
No, be as angry as you want. And, if the shoe fits and you do not like the feel, then go away if you must. Sites that agree with you and do not challenge you in any way are everywhere. I will not help you with links, find your failings on your own. But if it looks like the shoe fits, and you try it on to find it does not fit, then understand you are not under attack. Oh, and if you are under attack, at least look at the thing. Are you right to be attacked? Are you doing wrong? If so, but you still cannot deal with it, walk. But do not say, when the time comes to assess things, that you have not been warned. And, you can always speak your mind. I may chortle, or do dialogue, but you have that freedom here.
Back to the regularly scheduled programming. *beep*
I could not sleep well until early in the morning, again. I would guess somewhere between 5:30 and 6:00 my clock stopped ticking. Nothing new there. The Tylenol finally worked, and when it did sleep found me exhausted from the suffering. Even when life is a bit harsh, I am quite thankful to still be kicking, in that there might be some good left for me to do, see, experience, or even pass on. And, I thank God nearly every night. Sometimes in pitched fever or total exhaustion, I miss a night here or there, I am not yet perfected.
I would like to do some things today. I woke a bit later in the afternoon, so not much may actually get done. If nothing else, I may go out and shoot a bit. I want to get my targeting down before my next shoot. At least it will only be a bit after that when small game hunting is good, and I should be in fine form to bring home a rabbit or squirrel or three. I think I will call the V.A. and make sure about my appointments and reschedule one of them for sure. Or, at least see if I need to do so.
I might also take some things to storage. It seems like a good day to be out an about. I might also do some laundry. It depends on what I can do. I am a bit groggy, even after being up a couple of hours. And I am hungry. A couple of links of sausage and a few eggs might do the trick. The blood sugar is still up in the upper 200's, so... I suppose I should be careful. But I do have to eat. At least I do not eat toast or bread regularly and I will begin looking over the juices much more carefully. There is only so much I can do. Insulin can help shock it down, then I can keep it there. But I cannot use insulin long term as I then begin dropping to the 50's and 60's way too frequently, and that will kill me. The 600's I can manage, but I know in my heart that below 60 and I am in serious trouble. I feel it in my bones, I have been close enough to death to smell it's breath before, and that is exactly what it smells like.
Not that I mind dying, mind you. As is, in Christ, my life is already forfeit. I gave it away in the service to the service, and after but for my own reasons. It is just that I do not wish to die in a silly meaningless way, and before I have a chance at being or doing a bit more. Then again, that I have learned is in God's hands. Still, I could at least get very ill. Six months with no solid food was not fun. And I have had worse than that. No more games.
Later!
Into the O.T.
.
.
Why wait, and since I cannot sleep, I have begun my rereading of the O.T. Genesis is longer than I remember. Most of it is tracking with what I did remember though. Then again, I read it only a year ago, if I stopped there too. My mind is whirling with ideas, memories, and thoughts. My doubts are often formulated right before I get to a point where those doubts are dispelled. It is almost as if my mind remembers what is ahead and prepares my doubts to specifically be shot down.
I also realized something else. In dreams I have, 1/3 of the world, the heavens, and even the fish are destroyed. In my dreams, it is I who am doing the destroying. The stars that are brought down are actually angels who have strayed. That is in the beginning of the destruction. The horsemen ride, the four of them. Other than Christ, I believe the rest are thrown into the pit of fire once their work is done. It seems that, though they do God's will, they are not of God. Urhm, if I got that right. I have always wondered if I am a horseman. If so it would be war. I have always felt a pull, in both directions, both good and evil, and strongly. Eat, drink, and be mary or become chaste and devout.
I know which way I have chosen. And, too, I know that I am not that important. But being religious and spiritual, I think we all identify our good and evil with various persona in the bible. Some think of themselves as Peter, even to the denial of Christ, those who suffer persecution must look to Christ as an example, and so on. But because of our darkness, I think we also identify, at times, with the evil ones, the dark ones.
My dreams must have come from the reading of the bible in my youth. For I had only remembered the falling of the people, and then I thought it was 2/3 of the people. So my memory actually conflicted with my dreams and visions of the events to come. Until I reread Revelations to John. Much of that makes sense to me. If it is not exactly literal it does contain truths which are sincere. From the fall of Babylon, to the dragon, to the beast, the false prophet, the King of kings, and such, they all have meaning. But putting the meanings together coherently might lead one to believe that with the fall of Rome the end times were at hand. Most of the things described about Babylon are directly related to Rome. I suppose that is why some think that the Papacy is now the evil which must fall. Not I, of course. I believe Rome was given as an example of whichever city of great power there would be. How many hills were there or are there upon which NYC, Washington, D.C., Brussels, or simply Manhattan are standing on?
And, with any prophecy, there is difficulty in discerning. Especially this type of prophecy. Whatever the city, it will depend on many factors. And, it is odd, though the bible calls for peace, it does suggest that the one who comes to bring world peace is the one to watch. He will be false. I have to wonder if the false prophet is not a scientist. In any case, live as if there really is no tomorrow, but not in the way that might presume. It was cool, though, to have my dreams born out. Though, if destruction was meant for my hands, I think I will pass. Ha! Dreams...
Well, back to bed, or I will try.
Good night, sleepy heads. Or good monring.
.
Why wait, and since I cannot sleep, I have begun my rereading of the O.T. Genesis is longer than I remember. Most of it is tracking with what I did remember though. Then again, I read it only a year ago, if I stopped there too. My mind is whirling with ideas, memories, and thoughts. My doubts are often formulated right before I get to a point where those doubts are dispelled. It is almost as if my mind remembers what is ahead and prepares my doubts to specifically be shot down.
I also realized something else. In dreams I have, 1/3 of the world, the heavens, and even the fish are destroyed. In my dreams, it is I who am doing the destroying. The stars that are brought down are actually angels who have strayed. That is in the beginning of the destruction. The horsemen ride, the four of them. Other than Christ, I believe the rest are thrown into the pit of fire once their work is done. It seems that, though they do God's will, they are not of God. Urhm, if I got that right. I have always wondered if I am a horseman. If so it would be war. I have always felt a pull, in both directions, both good and evil, and strongly. Eat, drink, and be mary or become chaste and devout.
I know which way I have chosen. And, too, I know that I am not that important. But being religious and spiritual, I think we all identify our good and evil with various persona in the bible. Some think of themselves as Peter, even to the denial of Christ, those who suffer persecution must look to Christ as an example, and so on. But because of our darkness, I think we also identify, at times, with the evil ones, the dark ones.
My dreams must have come from the reading of the bible in my youth. For I had only remembered the falling of the people, and then I thought it was 2/3 of the people. So my memory actually conflicted with my dreams and visions of the events to come. Until I reread Revelations to John. Much of that makes sense to me. If it is not exactly literal it does contain truths which are sincere. From the fall of Babylon, to the dragon, to the beast, the false prophet, the King of kings, and such, they all have meaning. But putting the meanings together coherently might lead one to believe that with the fall of Rome the end times were at hand. Most of the things described about Babylon are directly related to Rome. I suppose that is why some think that the Papacy is now the evil which must fall. Not I, of course. I believe Rome was given as an example of whichever city of great power there would be. How many hills were there or are there upon which NYC, Washington, D.C., Brussels, or simply Manhattan are standing on?
And, with any prophecy, there is difficulty in discerning. Especially this type of prophecy. Whatever the city, it will depend on many factors. And, it is odd, though the bible calls for peace, it does suggest that the one who comes to bring world peace is the one to watch. He will be false. I have to wonder if the false prophet is not a scientist. In any case, live as if there really is no tomorrow, but not in the way that might presume. It was cool, though, to have my dreams born out. Though, if destruction was meant for my hands, I think I will pass. Ha! Dreams...
Well, back to bed, or I will try.
Good night, sleepy heads. Or good monring.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Good day bad day.
.
.
Though I have been reading a good bit, and tracking some things well enough, today was actually a tough day physically. I ache everywhere, my fever has been with me all day if milder at times, my headache has been in the background, and Tylenol has not been very successful at what it is supposed to do. If I move slowly, take my time thinking, and just ease around when I need to move, I do fine. Anything too fast in any way and I know about it. Hips, knees, shoulders, head, and some other parts I think, are screaming at me.
I took more Tylenol and my prescription, now I will lay down more and read or sleep, if I can. The sad thing is that I doubt the blood pressure medicine will knock more than 10 points off either part of my blood pressure. At least it has not completely destroyed my functioning, mostly, or every day, or continually. And I am not sleeping 18 hour days out here, or 3 days in a row, or groups of those for months on end.
Maybe I ought to just put everything in storage, stock up on foods, and head out. Maybe next summer.
Good night, K9.
.
Though I have been reading a good bit, and tracking some things well enough, today was actually a tough day physically. I ache everywhere, my fever has been with me all day if milder at times, my headache has been in the background, and Tylenol has not been very successful at what it is supposed to do. If I move slowly, take my time thinking, and just ease around when I need to move, I do fine. Anything too fast in any way and I know about it. Hips, knees, shoulders, head, and some other parts I think, are screaming at me.
I took more Tylenol and my prescription, now I will lay down more and read or sleep, if I can. The sad thing is that I doubt the blood pressure medicine will knock more than 10 points off either part of my blood pressure. At least it has not completely destroyed my functioning, mostly, or every day, or continually. And I am not sleeping 18 hour days out here, or 3 days in a row, or groups of those for months on end.
Maybe I ought to just put everything in storage, stock up on foods, and head out. Maybe next summer.
Good night, K9.
I am a bit amazed.
.
.
There have been times, in recent years, when I set out to read the bible only to give up after a time. That has happened several times, actually. Perhaps I was not ready. But this time I made it through the New Testament in a couple of weeks or less. And, as I said, I did not push, prod, attempt to speed read, or anything. If anything I took my time in that I would only attempt to read when I had a clear mind, neither tired nor confused but clear and working.
I see that my (if minority) concerns about the second coming of our Lord were put out completely in one of the books I read shortly after posting that, one of the John's, 1, 2 (probably), or 3. So, I will hand that notion over to the circular file. And, yes, it is that easy. If I find clear writings regarding my doubts, dispelling or lending to them, I then abide the reading. It is only when, in the New Testament, that I find seeming contrary writings where I must take a closer look to discern as well as I may what might be really at work. The one who wrote that passage suggests those who deny the second coming deny also the Lord, and his Father who sent Him. Yeah, I can take a hint, sometimes.
There were many little jewels and gems in their for me. Things I could not recall, other things I could but not in full, and still others I had simply forgotten. I must admit, I am no wiser for the reading. But I am closer to the One who is wise. And, I do believe He may fill me, as I pray that He does, with His ways, will, and bring me to works. I cannot be perfected by the book, by works (though works will show that my faith lives), only by faith (if too, as I understand it, faith without works is dead). Either that or a really big hammer... wait, I am confusing my tech manuals with the bible, scratch that. *looking up with sad puppy eyes* Lord, I pray you have some serious sense of humor.
Now for the hard part, the Old Testament. Actually, if I remember right, it is a good read too (in the truest sense of the word). People who complain about it complain about the N.T. just as much. I am looking forward to that read as well. The Catechism is complained about more then either of the O.T. or the N.T., but I found it rather a good read too, to be honest. Even if you are not Catholic, it might be interesting. Not only does it provide the teachings of the Church, it links right to where in the bible these things are from, often with several (or many) citations. This time, after I finish with the O.T., I will actually go in and find each of those passages and read a little before and after to make sure I think they are being taken correctly. I doubt if I will find any glaring mistakes. They were rather thorough.
And, no, I am not looking for error as such. I am merely deciphering the various books to satisfy my own demands for reasonable practice and understanding. I do the same with text books, tech manuals (if I am so inclined), and even what my Mother tells me. It is simply who and what I am, it is how I do things, and so shut up (as my Mom might have said). :p
I am pleased with this little bit of scholarly research (and spiritual). After having tried to do this recently, and failed, twice, I feel like I have finally done what I knew I should. Even if I failed before, that I did not quit with failure means something too. I will not boast on this, as all I did is what faithful Christians are called to do. I only am pleased that I felt the call and then then finally fulfilled it. And, this is not the end. Because of my own ways, I know I need to be reminded, and often, of just what it is I am called to do, how to do it, and sometimes prodded into doing it.
I say, here and now anyway, that I do not fear Hell. I, at this time, do not. I do not fear the punishment of God, I fear failing him far more. Now, when I stand before Christ, knowing I have failed, and seeing Him in His true light, yeah, okay, most likely I will become weak kneed and sob like a girl child. But for now, here on terra ferma, it is disappointing God that has me worried. But this, like all false worries for those with faith, I give up in my prayers and offerings much like I give up my sins and money.
I feel, after reading some other of the books, a great need to help my neighbor get his teeth fixed. I, financially, cannot do this until I am sure I will not have two rents to pay. But once that is over, I have to help. If I do it on my own, so be it. If he can help some, good. If I can get others to help, all the better. In him is Christ. It drives me to distraction that I cannot just go pay it. I have little money, even in good months, but who needs it. I pray that he does not take ill for it before we can get him fixed up.
I just got a notice, asking me to vote some guy for the next mayor. He wants to create a bunch of living wage jobs here (greater than 50% of minimum wage). So, what, that is $15.00 an hour? And, he wants to restrict increases in student housing costs. Huh? First, I do not mind having decent work for people, but this whole living wage thing just has to stop. It does a lot of bad things. It brings in companies, big companies, who by their nature brings in minorities, who by their nature, seem to be crime bent. Then, it changes the local economy and way of life, perverting to inner city mayhem. Along with greater money comes greater crime in any way, drugs, and other evils money seems to attract. As for student housing, if prices must go up, then thwarting that only changes what goes up or what is available, and is an illusion. Secondly, there are probably far too many useless students on the roles than there should be. How many history b.s.'s do we need? How many social workers do we need? School has become, actually, destructive to the economy... "Hey, I have an art degree, I cannot do any, you know, actual work!". How many are educated beyond a capacity to actually do work that pays well, do manual labor, or be functional rather than corporate suckers?
I have seriously thought of doing him in Joker style, printing it, and putting it out like they did with Quota Boy. "Why so socialist?" I should check on his opponent, who might be worse. This is a college town. Did I ever mention I can be grumpy? Even though I do not pay taxes, I understand the problem with those who spend to curry favor rather than for the right reasons for taxation at all. Taxation is for the good of all, not a few, not this group or that, not so a populist can gain office (and they always seem to be the most crooked). It is to do what no one can do on their own but what needs to be done for the good of all, think roads, fire and police, sewers, water, electricity (actually, water and electricity ought to be privatized, government sucks at it).
Oh, you do not believe me? A hundred years ago, a natural and recurring resource was given to government to make plentiful. It is now a scarce resource, that is water. A rare resource, that is oil, was given over to private industry. Now we have more untapped reserves of oil then what we have EVER pulled out of the earth, plus all those reserves that are actively being pumped. The only reason prices went up is because the part of oil that the government is involved with, the refining processing, is being hampered with so much red tape that no more production is being created! Add to the taxes state and federals are imposing, and that is the whole of the problem... government, not private industry. "Why so socialist?"
Well, I should find something to eat. I am hungry again. I might take a shower, and if the fever abates, go for a spin. I best eat first, as McDonalds (or some other fast food joint) will get the attentions of my stomach before I know it. Then again, in the past, I found that if I drink ice tea instead of soda with the meal, I do okay. But that is when I get my diabetes under control. pfftfft Control schomole... :p Fine, fine, something at home then.
Later, or good night. Both? I like choices.
.
There have been times, in recent years, when I set out to read the bible only to give up after a time. That has happened several times, actually. Perhaps I was not ready. But this time I made it through the New Testament in a couple of weeks or less. And, as I said, I did not push, prod, attempt to speed read, or anything. If anything I took my time in that I would only attempt to read when I had a clear mind, neither tired nor confused but clear and working.
I see that my (if minority) concerns about the second coming of our Lord were put out completely in one of the books I read shortly after posting that, one of the John's, 1, 2 (probably), or 3. So, I will hand that notion over to the circular file. And, yes, it is that easy. If I find clear writings regarding my doubts, dispelling or lending to them, I then abide the reading. It is only when, in the New Testament, that I find seeming contrary writings where I must take a closer look to discern as well as I may what might be really at work. The one who wrote that passage suggests those who deny the second coming deny also the Lord, and his Father who sent Him. Yeah, I can take a hint, sometimes.
There were many little jewels and gems in their for me. Things I could not recall, other things I could but not in full, and still others I had simply forgotten. I must admit, I am no wiser for the reading. But I am closer to the One who is wise. And, I do believe He may fill me, as I pray that He does, with His ways, will, and bring me to works. I cannot be perfected by the book, by works (though works will show that my faith lives), only by faith (if too, as I understand it, faith without works is dead). Either that or a really big hammer... wait, I am confusing my tech manuals with the bible, scratch that. *looking up with sad puppy eyes* Lord, I pray you have some serious sense of humor.
Now for the hard part, the Old Testament. Actually, if I remember right, it is a good read too (in the truest sense of the word). People who complain about it complain about the N.T. just as much. I am looking forward to that read as well. The Catechism is complained about more then either of the O.T. or the N.T., but I found it rather a good read too, to be honest. Even if you are not Catholic, it might be interesting. Not only does it provide the teachings of the Church, it links right to where in the bible these things are from, often with several (or many) citations. This time, after I finish with the O.T., I will actually go in and find each of those passages and read a little before and after to make sure I think they are being taken correctly. I doubt if I will find any glaring mistakes. They were rather thorough.
And, no, I am not looking for error as such. I am merely deciphering the various books to satisfy my own demands for reasonable practice and understanding. I do the same with text books, tech manuals (if I am so inclined), and even what my Mother tells me. It is simply who and what I am, it is how I do things, and so shut up (as my Mom might have said). :p
I am pleased with this little bit of scholarly research (and spiritual). After having tried to do this recently, and failed, twice, I feel like I have finally done what I knew I should. Even if I failed before, that I did not quit with failure means something too. I will not boast on this, as all I did is what faithful Christians are called to do. I only am pleased that I felt the call and then then finally fulfilled it. And, this is not the end. Because of my own ways, I know I need to be reminded, and often, of just what it is I am called to do, how to do it, and sometimes prodded into doing it.
I say, here and now anyway, that I do not fear Hell. I, at this time, do not. I do not fear the punishment of God, I fear failing him far more. Now, when I stand before Christ, knowing I have failed, and seeing Him in His true light, yeah, okay, most likely I will become weak kneed and sob like a girl child. But for now, here on terra ferma, it is disappointing God that has me worried. But this, like all false worries for those with faith, I give up in my prayers and offerings much like I give up my sins and money.
I feel, after reading some other of the books, a great need to help my neighbor get his teeth fixed. I, financially, cannot do this until I am sure I will not have two rents to pay. But once that is over, I have to help. If I do it on my own, so be it. If he can help some, good. If I can get others to help, all the better. In him is Christ. It drives me to distraction that I cannot just go pay it. I have little money, even in good months, but who needs it. I pray that he does not take ill for it before we can get him fixed up.
I just got a notice, asking me to vote some guy for the next mayor. He wants to create a bunch of living wage jobs here (greater than 50% of minimum wage). So, what, that is $15.00 an hour? And, he wants to restrict increases in student housing costs. Huh? First, I do not mind having decent work for people, but this whole living wage thing just has to stop. It does a lot of bad things. It brings in companies, big companies, who by their nature brings in minorities, who by their nature, seem to be crime bent. Then, it changes the local economy and way of life, perverting to inner city mayhem. Along with greater money comes greater crime in any way, drugs, and other evils money seems to attract. As for student housing, if prices must go up, then thwarting that only changes what goes up or what is available, and is an illusion. Secondly, there are probably far too many useless students on the roles than there should be. How many history b.s.'s do we need? How many social workers do we need? School has become, actually, destructive to the economy... "Hey, I have an art degree, I cannot do any, you know, actual work!". How many are educated beyond a capacity to actually do work that pays well, do manual labor, or be functional rather than corporate suckers?
I have seriously thought of doing him in Joker style, printing it, and putting it out like they did with Quota Boy. "Why so socialist?" I should check on his opponent, who might be worse. This is a college town. Did I ever mention I can be grumpy? Even though I do not pay taxes, I understand the problem with those who spend to curry favor rather than for the right reasons for taxation at all. Taxation is for the good of all, not a few, not this group or that, not so a populist can gain office (and they always seem to be the most crooked). It is to do what no one can do on their own but what needs to be done for the good of all, think roads, fire and police, sewers, water, electricity (actually, water and electricity ought to be privatized, government sucks at it).
Oh, you do not believe me? A hundred years ago, a natural and recurring resource was given to government to make plentiful. It is now a scarce resource, that is water. A rare resource, that is oil, was given over to private industry. Now we have more untapped reserves of oil then what we have EVER pulled out of the earth, plus all those reserves that are actively being pumped. The only reason prices went up is because the part of oil that the government is involved with, the refining processing, is being hampered with so much red tape that no more production is being created! Add to the taxes state and federals are imposing, and that is the whole of the problem... government, not private industry. "Why so socialist?"
Well, I should find something to eat. I am hungry again. I might take a shower, and if the fever abates, go for a spin. I best eat first, as McDonalds (or some other fast food joint) will get the attentions of my stomach before I know it. Then again, in the past, I found that if I drink ice tea instead of soda with the meal, I do okay. But that is when I get my diabetes under control. pfftfft Control schomole... :p Fine, fine, something at home then.
Later, or good night. Both? I like choices.
It is a tough morning.
.
.
Feeling a bit like my batteries are low this morning. Well, my morning being 14:00 my time. I did not sleep, again, until early morning. Without a nap sometime in the evening, I usually am tired when I wake. It was hot again last night, hotter than usual. And it is pretty hot today. Even with the machines whirring at full tilt, when it gets hot I feel it strongly in here and more so after a few days of cooler temps. And though I have come to be able to deal with the standard heat, a spike still makes sleeping and eating daunting prospects. I do not mind though, especially since this is not a work day.
I do not have much planned. Hopefully I will have a relaxing day of religious concentration and rest and be ready to tackle life again tomorrow. There are so many things to do and I seem to have so little energy that life has become frustrating again. I will dig through what I may though. Pushing sometimes helps, but first I have to be able to push, and to push I need to be able to get out of bed, and that, my friends, is not always a real option. I am as weak as a babe in swaddling clothes.
A few Tylenol, a bit of wake up time, then I will see what it is I can do.
Have a good day!
.
Feeling a bit like my batteries are low this morning. Well, my morning being 14:00 my time. I did not sleep, again, until early morning. Without a nap sometime in the evening, I usually am tired when I wake. It was hot again last night, hotter than usual. And it is pretty hot today. Even with the machines whirring at full tilt, when it gets hot I feel it strongly in here and more so after a few days of cooler temps. And though I have come to be able to deal with the standard heat, a spike still makes sleeping and eating daunting prospects. I do not mind though, especially since this is not a work day.
I do not have much planned. Hopefully I will have a relaxing day of religious concentration and rest and be ready to tackle life again tomorrow. There are so many things to do and I seem to have so little energy that life has become frustrating again. I will dig through what I may though. Pushing sometimes helps, but first I have to be able to push, and to push I need to be able to get out of bed, and that, my friends, is not always a real option. I am as weak as a babe in swaddling clothes.
A few Tylenol, a bit of wake up time, then I will see what it is I can do.
Have a good day!
No sleep, but it is okay.
.
.
I seem to be having difficulty sleeping, at all, now. I am not terribly worried, as I know I will sleep some this morning and afternoon. I am pushing, when I can, and more successfully. If I remember to take Tylenol, life is a lot happier when it works. And it is working for the most part, if not always fully.
I am well into Hebrews in my reading of the bible. As I am nearing completion, I think I will go ahead and begin reading the Old Testament while I am at it. Then I will reread the New Testament, then reread the Catechism. While I am reading the Catechism, I will use the cross references and such, and begin my studies as well. That work, of course, will be a bit slower. To what end, other than to follow my faith and attempt to understand it, I cannot be sure where this is going. I do know, should I find a wife, that I would be interested in discerning whether to become a deacon. I would not be interested in doing that before marriage, as once one becomes a deacon, marriage is closed to that man.
Some things make sense now. Some things I had wondered about in recent years, from beliefs I have held since my youth to things the Church prescribes and proscribes, to things various ministers of the Gospel have suggested (sometimes both Catholic and not). I must admit, as a youth, I really did have a rather thorough understanding, surprising even my (foster) Father. I was easily able, back then, to unmask a religious charlatan, if I did it without animus. He was rather amazed, rather than angry actually. I almost think he did what he did as a means of showing his doubt or disregard, so my words surprised him and maybe brought some sense of faith to his remembrance. He was a con man, though. I knew that.
Much of why I think the way I do was forgotten, or at least very rusty. It is good to be relearning and, while I am doing that, remembering my youth and that walk with faith I had. Though life around me swirled with sins of all nature, at least before I went to the foster home, my solace was in books and reading. And then I found the scriptures and became a truly new child. That walk with God was done in a way that was as childlike, yet not foolish, as I will ever see. I did believe, and easily. And I did discern when those around me were false. And it was good. I would like to bring some of that forward and enjoy, again, that simpler yet better way.
As I speak, I am also baking ribs. I decided to do some ribs, but after smelling the other package, I decided to do them all, just in case. Once cooked, they last longer as well. I am baking the two rib types (both beef) in separate wraps, as one type smelled just a hair off. Now, being what I am, that 'don' confront me none, as long as I get my ribs...'. I can eat what would harm, or worse, another. And, sometimes I even really like it that way if it is not way too gone. I have limits, but I think the limits are mostly taste based. My body seems to not really care... Bacteria, germs, maybe even insects? No problem, more protein!
I really need to get to church. I will check about a dry cleaner this week. I should take 3 shirts and two pair of slacks in for the processing. I wish I could spy on the church crowd, to see what they are wearing, but I will not. I will simply wear decent clothing of a middling classic yet not too dressy style and look when I am there. I will need to polish the oxfords I wish to wear as well. Barring that, all I need to do is get my days and nights turned back around and have enough energy to leave my house at the given times. It is actually rather difficult being the type of cripple I am, people just do not understand.
Well, I best check on the ribs. In a half hour, the fresher ribs should be done. At that point, I will take them out and let them finish in their own heat. The other ribs I will open up and continue to cook, but using the broiler. That should get them nice and caramelized. I will email you some, if you like? Oh, I know what I could do. I could change out (say half) of my regular potatoes for sweet potatoes. Oddly, the food medicals seem happy with that.
Good night. :)
.
I seem to be having difficulty sleeping, at all, now. I am not terribly worried, as I know I will sleep some this morning and afternoon. I am pushing, when I can, and more successfully. If I remember to take Tylenol, life is a lot happier when it works. And it is working for the most part, if not always fully.
I am well into Hebrews in my reading of the bible. As I am nearing completion, I think I will go ahead and begin reading the Old Testament while I am at it. Then I will reread the New Testament, then reread the Catechism. While I am reading the Catechism, I will use the cross references and such, and begin my studies as well. That work, of course, will be a bit slower. To what end, other than to follow my faith and attempt to understand it, I cannot be sure where this is going. I do know, should I find a wife, that I would be interested in discerning whether to become a deacon. I would not be interested in doing that before marriage, as once one becomes a deacon, marriage is closed to that man.
Some things make sense now. Some things I had wondered about in recent years, from beliefs I have held since my youth to things the Church prescribes and proscribes, to things various ministers of the Gospel have suggested (sometimes both Catholic and not). I must admit, as a youth, I really did have a rather thorough understanding, surprising even my (foster) Father. I was easily able, back then, to unmask a religious charlatan, if I did it without animus. He was rather amazed, rather than angry actually. I almost think he did what he did as a means of showing his doubt or disregard, so my words surprised him and maybe brought some sense of faith to his remembrance. He was a con man, though. I knew that.
Much of why I think the way I do was forgotten, or at least very rusty. It is good to be relearning and, while I am doing that, remembering my youth and that walk with faith I had. Though life around me swirled with sins of all nature, at least before I went to the foster home, my solace was in books and reading. And then I found the scriptures and became a truly new child. That walk with God was done in a way that was as childlike, yet not foolish, as I will ever see. I did believe, and easily. And I did discern when those around me were false. And it was good. I would like to bring some of that forward and enjoy, again, that simpler yet better way.
As I speak, I am also baking ribs. I decided to do some ribs, but after smelling the other package, I decided to do them all, just in case. Once cooked, they last longer as well. I am baking the two rib types (both beef) in separate wraps, as one type smelled just a hair off. Now, being what I am, that 'don' confront me none, as long as I get my ribs...'. I can eat what would harm, or worse, another. And, sometimes I even really like it that way if it is not way too gone. I have limits, but I think the limits are mostly taste based. My body seems to not really care... Bacteria, germs, maybe even insects? No problem, more protein!
I really need to get to church. I will check about a dry cleaner this week. I should take 3 shirts and two pair of slacks in for the processing. I wish I could spy on the church crowd, to see what they are wearing, but I will not. I will simply wear decent clothing of a middling classic yet not too dressy style and look when I am there. I will need to polish the oxfords I wish to wear as well. Barring that, all I need to do is get my days and nights turned back around and have enough energy to leave my house at the given times. It is actually rather difficult being the type of cripple I am, people just do not understand.
Well, I best check on the ribs. In a half hour, the fresher ribs should be done. At that point, I will take them out and let them finish in their own heat. The other ribs I will open up and continue to cook, but using the broiler. That should get them nice and caramelized. I will email you some, if you like? Oh, I know what I could do. I could change out (say half) of my regular potatoes for sweet potatoes. Oddly, the food medicals seem happy with that.
Good night. :)
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