Okay, prepare the gag reflex.

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Now, for the unveiling.

I told you long ago that I would break with my long silence about my deepest truth, secret, curse.

The time has arrived.

I suggested that I would only do so when my computer was clear and I was sure I could not be traced. I realize now, that cannot happen. I am as well read here as I was there, and more intrusively. I had considered not writing it. I have noticed that, locally, when I write something that it is rather broadly read and that they can connect it with me personally. Anyway, so what.

Until the age of 5 1/2, I thought I was a girl. Oh, the dingle-berries? I knew, just KNEW, they would drop off. I believed I would mature like any woman should. My mother had been told that I would outgrow this notion. But as school approached and I did not, she sought "psychiatric" help. What did the psychiatrist tell me and her, in a joint session? They said I was the way I was because she loved me too much. Yeah, telling an insecure, alcoholic, already abusive, single woman that she loved her child to be wrong was a beautiful thing. It brought the wrath of God down around my head like nothing you can imagine.

For the rest of my years with that woman, even seeming to think or act feminine, to include interest in the arts, brought a beating you cannot imagine. I was scorned, ridiculed, beaten, and shamed. I was forced into masculinity in ways you cannot imagine in the most draconian of manners. Aside from my mother, others joined in the thing. Though I was not beaten by others, I think the menfolk decided that a little kitty would do me a world of good. They sicked a 16 year old female babysitter on me, who taught me everything I was able to learn. Before I was six, I took my first lover, if not by force.

After the beatings and sexual molestation, I learned to keep quiet and maintain an absolute masculine identity. I became a brute and a hardcore individual. Many years passed as such, if I found that being a brute allowed one to do what one wills.

When I became disabled, I tried to maintain such a stance. In time, however, I began to explore the 'dark side'. I came close to beginning hormones, while looking into that community. But what I found in the community was death. There was no real love. What was to be had, in that regard, was physical and freaky. I found no long term relationships and only shallow grave like concepts. Animal behavior really, nothing to stake a claim upon. As well, I found that if one was not liberal, in the evil sense, one did not belong. Being a conservative, I was outed on more than one occasion.

Being called to God, I began to compare and contrast. I knew I wanted a family. I knew I wanted to obey God. And I saw the emptiness of what transsexuality offered. After a brief flirt with the culture of death, I chose life, family (even if unfulfilled to date), and God. I set aside my selfishness and began to hope for more. Real love, a wife, and a family. Something the queer way does not offer and cannot afford.

It has been 5 years or so, since I did a 180, or honestly simply made my own decision without coercion, outside pains, or other influences. I still wonder, but not so much as before, and never with doubt that I am what I am.

As well, I now embrace my masculinity like I embrace life, with gusto and grace. I enjoy being what I truly am and I am looking to share it with the right woman. Having seen and been what I have and was, I know more than any typical male can about those fairest of humans, the woman type. This, though, has it's downside. So, I am working at scrubbing away the lesbian and building up the husband. Nothing is that easy, nothing will ever be right, and I will always have that aspect.

Now you know. And, as I have always said, I am what I am. I am as ugly inside as out, as sinful as Sinbad, as dark as almost any sin, and simply by my nature. But that is the way of it. At least, now, I am on the right track.

This, I tell you, was why Bane had difficulty with me. This is a secret he helped me keep, too. He erased large sections of his comment blogs from time to time because I would become drunk and spout something along these lines. As well, it was something that bothered him greatly.

Now, too, you know. Beyond being a breed, a Protestant, Zen, then Catholic, dark warrior and sinner, I have strong affiliations with the feminine. If there ever was a creature which should have been strangled in the crib, it is this Frankenstein monster. Why God did not dispense of me, on many occasions, when He had all rights to do so, I will never know. Unless it was to allow me to mellow and learn the fullness and truth of my life, my masculinity, and His graces.

That was not as difficult as I imagined. Perhaps with the chirping of no responses, I will learn the further folly of my disclosure. For now, bearing all has rewards all on by itself

Good night.