Yes, I get 9/11.

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I do. I was reading a post earlier where someone said they avoid watching the events more than once a year, on the anniversary, because they tend to tear up or outright cry. At first, in my half asleep way, I grumbled about the notion. Well, until I realize I do the same thing. Never... mind... Fine, yeah, okay, I see that. I really understand the outrage over the event, or each of them if you want to get particular. Each plane and what happened to it, the passengers and crew it carried, and the people in the buildings most of those planes hit. Each building hit is or was a vital part of what America is (for good or ill can be discussed by leftists, and various miscreants, just not here). I am one of those people on those planes by the fact that I am simply a citizen of the nation. I worked with and for one of those targets. And I have always believed in the nature of what the other two buildings attacked represent, if I cannot become a part of that I have hope for children or at least family members working their way up to that type of success. So, the attack was personal though I knew not a single person murdered that day.

I do understand the reaction our government developed and carried out. The perfection, direction, and outcomes can and are questioned. I do some of that myself. However, I understand that this nation, regardless what some naysayers think, is a populist Democratic Republic. The pressure to do what was done, and even more than what has been done and is ongoing, was beyond any politician, no matter how principled, to avoid. Ron Paul, believe or not at your peril, would have had our military doing pretty much what it did or more (he has a bona fide deficit, and like Democrats, would have had to prove his fidelity to "his people". That is why Democrats have started most of the wars we have been in, it is an attempt (and usually a failed one) to cover their deficit (as well, they have found the populist aspect of war often works in their favor come election time).

So, yeah, I see these things and I understand the war on islam (as that is what it truly is, regardless the silk split tongues which deny the thing). I understand why Americans, the smart ones, really want an end to islam in America. The cult will never be an American institution because it does not believe in free will, it does not support democracy. It is against secularism (though all religions should be, meaning Christianity in America is pretty much dead). The difference, however, between Christianity and islam is that Christianity does not believe in using violence to enforce it's tenants.

What I do not get is the fact that we have a group of people, right here in our borders, who we already call citizens, who kill far more than any foreign group or so-called religion ever has. They murder over 10 times the number of people, by population base, as anyone else. I cannot seem to find the forcible rape or other crimes committed by this group, thanks in part to a politically corrected FBI (was surprised I found what I did, to be honest), though I have heard that is even worse. We have an enemy within our borders, and amongst our "citizenry" which is completely ignored. An enemy who murders more people, rapes more people, and commits crimes of every flavor with complete abandon.

I guess, what I am saying, is we really need to clean up our own home before we try and clean up the world. At the least, it should be a two pronged offense. The question is how do we do this? With a foreign enemy, the case is very simple. The only way to wage war on a citizen bloc is either the dysfunctional method of police application we are using currently or the suspension of rights to the bloc in question.

Outraged about 9/11? Yes, yes indeed. But that pales in comparison. If the government is truly set up to preserve the rights of all, then it must also have the backbone to suspend the rights of those who suppress, or simply strip, the rights of others through crime. Instead we have police forces, laws themselves, and bureaucrats who work to offer super justice to this group. A government which shows preference for these enemies. And then we wonder why we have a problem with an enemy building a cult center to celebrate their victory over America through murder right next door to where they committed their crime? Really? What a surprise.

Hmm...

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I woke up a little before 1:00. Simply put, there was no going right back to sleep. I do not know what woke me. I decided to tinker a bit, watch a bit of tube, eat a bite, then try to go back to bed. At a little after 3:00, I think it is time. If not perfect, I am doing all I can to figure this thing out.

Good night, again, I hope, Mom.

Update: No such luck. Sleep could not be had. Two hours of rolling and tossing netted me nothing but frustration. So, I am up. I will try to make it through the day. It will be a rough one. I will, as usual, simply do what I can. Oh, I cannot remember the tea, but the other stuff is melatonin I believe. I need to get into town and check on that. Money is so tight though, I will have to really think before a purchase. I am hoping I can get a decent supply for $10 per, or less. I could go a bit higher, but not much.

Later.

*grumble*

I remember. Camomile... tea... If those do not work, there is one more thing to add in to the mix. I hate medicine, of any kind. We will see.

To bed by 22:00?

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Could be. I have about a half an hour to prepare. I did not find, or even end up looking for, the book I had in mind. However, I have another that might do. I did not make it into town either. Tomorrow, perhaps, will see to these things. I will set the alarm for 8:00 tomorrow. That would allow 2 and a half hours for reading and tossing and turning and still offer eight hours of sleep. We will see.

While I did tend to some business, little else was done today. So be it. I suppose, given everything, that is to be expected. If I can get my schedule arranged over the weekend, I will worry about little, doing what I see, think about, and whatever happens to happen will be the way of things.

I decided to let Sam out a day early. I now, more fully, understand why parents suggest that punishing children is at least as, if not more, difficult for the parent. Sam's incessant begging, whining, and foul mood has been torturous. Still, I was pleased I lasted as long as I did. I tried to get Sassy to venture forth, along with me, for a bit. Her big eyes and fluffy ears took in of the outdoors what they could from just a step out and with the doors wide open. She stayed for just a bit, I coaxed her back a time or two, and then she ran away like the little girl she is. It was a pleasing number of moments. She will graduate soon, this was her first step outside, ever, I do believe.

It is time. Good night, I hope, Jean.

Not exactly full of pep and vinegar.

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Perhaps soda water and a minor pip? The day is going along. I am still awake and will probably be able to stay up until 22:00. I think I am going to target that as my bedtime. That would make a 6:00 wake up more probable. From speaking with my chiropractor, D.C., and some others of you, I think I might try something else. I have heard from a number of sources about some sleep remedies. Some type of tea and... something else. Bah, I never can pull something up after having just remembered them two minutes ago. Anyway, while in town today, I will stop by a place that might carry these things. As well, trying to get some physical work in, eating a bit more rightly, and avoiding caffeine after 17:00. And I should find that book and toss in a plan to read for an hour before bed.

I did call the V.A. regarding the paperwork I am seeking. A request of information would do me no good. I spent a little time working the call, however, and remained pleasant. The woman on the other end was pleasant as well. I described that I need proof of disability to obtain state tax relief, having moved from Iowa, that I needed my vocational file transferred, and that the number I had (which was the one she was attempting to offer me) had been called 15 times without even making it to being put on hold waiting for someone to answer. So, she suggested I drive to Salt Lake City, if I could, and do this in person. Done... or will be.

I also checked my finances. I think I can make it but it will be a very tight month. That I is all I am saying. I will have to watch every single nickle. Groceries and some gas is all I will be able to do. No extras, from water storage to buckets, will make it out of my finances. I have spent a lot of money on tools, supplies, construction materials, and the rest. I simply have to back off for a month or three. I would like to say it was all worth it, and it is. But more, most of it is necessary. That is simply the way it goes. I do not regret the expenditures if I do hate being this financially tight.

A trip to town, as cat litter is vital and I only have enough for another change or two. As well, I would like to at least price the tea and that other stuff. Then a bit of work in the garage. Perhaps more math studies tonight after that. And finally, I might just be able to find that book. I have been itching to dig into it. It seems that when I had it at hand, I was too busy. Now that I have the time and energy, I cannot find the book. All in all though, things are looking up. Oh, one more business call... if I can find the number.

Have a good day.

Snoopy dance?

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I am sure considering it. I was able to get to sleep after that last post, with only a short (normalish) falling asleep period. And I was up at 10:00, the first time my alarm sounded. Oh, I wanted to hit snooze and crawl back under the blanket, I really did. I had enough going to push though, I was able to stay up if not completely ready. It means I do have some willpower. I have been up since and I am going to be up all day. Wow, nice! It has been a week or more since I have had a nearly whole day to play with. What to do though?

I need more cat litter. I think when I go in I will buy several packages of it. I am using Tidy Step. It works well, to my way of thinking. As I have been washing the litter pans occasionally and changing them every few days, I no longer have 'the smell'. It is worth a little extra effort (very little extra effort all said and done) both for myself and my furry friends. They act up less when life is good. I should also buy a bit more food. Sassy still eats like a growing tiger while Sam is rather a delicate eater. She needs a little more weight, to my mind, though she is solid so I will not complain or worry about her health.

Today would be a good day to hit the garage. It is not a big job. Some sorting and setting up of the weight bench before the place turns into a mess is all. I do want to get matting material for under the bench, at least. But that will have to wait. I did research on materials, looking mostly at interconnecting tiles of various materials. It is rather pricey, at least for my current budget. Further, it would be nice to have something on the floor of the whole garage, though it would not need to be as dense as that under the weight lifting area. Oh, I know, foolish stuff. And yet, it is a matter of tending to what I have. It is not simply vanity. The panels are not all that attractive, they merely keep the cement from becoming cracked and chipped. Another year or two might see that done, perhaps.

Business. I need to prepare a letter to fax to the V.A. I need to pay a few bills and sort my finances. While in town, I could finally get to some short term food storage shopping. Once I have a small but reasonable supply, say several weeks worth of food, I am going to begin looking to begin using that food as part of my ongoing system. Some foods will make the cut, some will not, but until I have a reasonable supply to test, I would rather just store. Worst case scenario, I am stuck surviving for a short bit on foods I do not like but which would work in any case. The hope is to buy, store, test as I go, find some finalists, and then shop for those in larger quantities. Sometimes I wonder if I am just tinkering. But the fact is, money, time, and effort are all in scarce supply, so no matter my will I simply have to do these things in some sort of order using what logic is available to me. And, I need to remember, to a degree, this is a game. I cannot let the realities on the ground get me down, I have what I have and do what I can, as I can. And, that idea needs to be considered in all other areas of my life.

It is so very good to be awake "early" again. My goal is still a 6:00 wake up. For the moment this will do nicely. I have heard no bad news. I am not sure what all the calls were, I am pretty sure they happened, I guess I will find out. But if it was bad news, I am sure I would have heard.

Oh, Sassy, the kitten, is favoring an eye. It looks like there is some swelling, on the outside, like a kitty black eye. The eye itself seems fine. It started yesterday and has grown worse. Of course, I do worry. There is no tearing, the eye looks good, and there does some to be some swelling in the lid. Perhaps Sam batted her, perhaps she got a claw in, perhaps Sassy just dodged left and should have dodged right (with or without Sam's "help"), or maybe she just ran into something. It bothers me. I will keep an eye on it, no pun intended.

Well, to figure out how to get those things done I had best get going. A bit sleepy, again, now. That is probably to be expected. Later.

A little update and some thoughts.

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I was looking through a few blogs. With so many places to drift to and through and so many thoughts to consider, it is often difficult to do more than simply enjoy the ride. I noticed a headline I did not bother to investigate. Something about how most people now believe their appearances are above average. My first thoughts were that this article was written by one of the irrelevant but somehow still surviving potentates from the stagnant msm pool. And, of course, it is about "young people". These people are extremely into themselves, first by age, and this generation and to a degree my generation, because there are so few who survive that the survivors are more bratified than ever. Now, in my case, I am as handsome as can be. For a rock. And I am good with that. To my mom, of course, why no woman should be able to resist me. To my mom's therapist, if she had one, my mother needs new glasses. However, I have learned that looks are not it for guys at all. Build, finances, risk taking, the ability to chat, talk, and discuss (in the right ways)(there is a difference, I think... have heard...), the willingness and ability to lead, and some other things are what put the schnizle in her step. Further, I am not all that great in that stuff either, just... probably... good enough. If I would get off my butt and go wife shopping.

I did make it to my appointment. I was a bit early, too early to just sit and wait. I decided to go to a place to check out getting a hair cut. While I was there, I asked about coloring my beard. Hmm, that would cost no more than my haircut, they could do it all at once, and the stuff they use does not stink. So, I lined it up. Monday before my next appointment I will be in for a little modification. Funny, while growing my beard I will still be getting a very short hair cut, business/military style. I want my first time in Church to be a good thing. And, I want the geese to swoon. With women, I think they see clothes long before they see the man. Some of that is a financial check, some of it is size, shape, and style. And some of it is psychological architecture and what room they might have to make a difference (improve) us gents.

Anyway, after the appointment, I was done. I made it home and stayed awake until 19:00. That was as far as I could get. At 23:00 I woke and decided to eat a bit, watch some tube (since I was good for little else), and then try to make it back to bed as soon as possible for another early rise, hopefully. Well, it is time to head back to bed. If I make it, and I might, I will be going to bed earlier than on most nights for the last week. Let us hopes this resets my schedule.

Good night, Alannah.

Difficult.

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Yes, I am still awake, barely. The food helped, I suppose. And I would guess drinking caffeine helped. But that was not enough. I thought a nice hot shower on this cool day would help, would put the thing over the top. Not so. I am struggling to keep my eyes open. I think I will make it to my appointment. I am not sure what else, if anything, will be done today. I am running on less than fumes. Maybe if I make it past a certain point, I will be able to kick up enough gumption to keep going until tonight. Wow am I tired.

The mylar bags and desiccants have arrived. The oxygen scrubbers are already here. Now for foods, buckets, and a little work. That is all going to take some time as money is still an oddity. Perhaps when I get back I might be able to get my mind going on my finances. A couple of clicks, some passwords, and I should know where I am with money. I think I have enough time to get a years supply for one person up by December. After that, I will add another years supply and call it done, I think. If money is good, I will obtain water storage containers and buckets. If I need to pare something, it will be the buckets first. I might not have enough for anything though too.

One thing I could do in town, if I can keep my head on, is to look for some of the foods on the short term list. Some things have been exceedingly scarce. My guess is people, locals, ones who did not stock up before now, are doing just that. Short term stocking comes first and there are only so many cans of pumpkin, squash, or even spinach, carrots, and such. I do need more beans for short term use as well. I have a decent amount of grains and rice. I only have the powdered whole milk, though because of the phyto-estrogens, I will probably go to plain powdered milk. Soy is bad, in my book, at almost any level. Think man-boobs. Further, it is terrible for children, especially boys. There is some speculation that part of the reason men are so metrosexual, or worse, is because of soy byproduct in so much of our foods. Well, that, the "education", the medicinal "cures" for male type behavior, the fact that there are too few children so that the ones born are spoiled. Yeah, that. But it probably is one component in the war on men, one most are completely unawares concerning. One that is more accidental, at least at first, probably, than a planned thing. Only in the last ten years has it become a more functional aspect of the hot part of the cold war.

Oh, fie, it is about time to head in. I will leave plenty early. I might have lunch, or check on the beard stuff, do some grocery shopping, or get some coffee? Strong, fresh, double or triple shots of the stuff with a touch of vanilla, half and half, and ice. Yeah, I know, straight. Other than an occasional French pressed coffee, I cannot tolerate the stuff black... sort of like my presidents. I know they say anyone could be president, but uhm, I do not think they really meant that. I wonder how out of the loop he has been kept, due to his security issues, even beyond what they keep most presidents blind about? No worries though, if they need him they convince him and he signs... they all do.

Get up... I have to go before I fall asleep typing.

Someone is calling.

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I received a call on my cell phone, and two or three calls on my landline. Of course I could not wake up enough to answer them. I could not have heard the calls on my landline, and yet, I know I heard at least one. The fan drowns out all such noises. Further, I dream heard the others. Someone is trying to call. I hope the news is not as bad as I think it is. It is the notion that bad news is on the way which woke me in spite of having gone to bed so very late. I was up a few more hours after that last post. It hurt, I mean hurt, my heart to wake. But I could not sleep. That particular pain is gone, I am awake, it is just 10:00. Who knows, maybe it was all a dream.

I cannot quite get my mind wrapped around what I am doing. I had breakfast quickly, as that tends to raise the chances that I will remain awake. I put on more than a robe, also increasing the likelihood of staying up. And, after doodling my noodle with morning fare, I will take a shower. Little things all add up to successes it seems. But the call.

My phone, and the company that offer it, are good. But they are funky. No modern phone I have owned is without problems. The call I received on my cell indicated a number from Iowa, with a code from where I moved from. But the number was not familiar. My phone also indicated that I received a message. Checking my messages resulted in finding no new messages, however. I am not sure if whoever called hung up upon getting there, if the message is lost now for a day or two, or what. As I said, funky. And funky when it is inconvenient, quite often. Something about Murphy's Laws. Well, that and having cell phone programming done in India at $1 an hour.

What am I doing today? I know I have an appointment this afternoon. Other than that, until I am sure where my butt is, both on my body and in the world, I doubt if I can figure out more. Passing gas helps, but I seem to be running dry this morning. Ouch! By the way, it hurts being awake right now. Aspirin might be needed just for the pain I am sensing more than feeling. Still, this might be the gate to being awake. I hope the news is not as bad as I suspect. Then again, it really might all be a dream. How could I hear the phone if I cannot hear the phone? Though I know I have that... ability. I always have. I hate that too, sometimes. Still, it is nice to never be surprised, or at least surprised so quickly that I cannot adapt.

Hey, I am going to do some things to try and wake up my inner ear, brain, and find my butt. Email me if you have a map with an X on it. My butt gets lonely in the nether. Good day.

Food did not work.

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Here it is, 4:30, and no sleep. I did stay in bed for an hour and some. I thought maybe the fan would help. Nothing works. Sleep will not be had. I guess some people just cannot accommodate the world of 9 to 5, or even the 2nd or 3rd shifts. I just drift from one shift to another, without control. This makes appointments so very difficult, as well as attempting to do typical business in a manageable manner. It also makes maintaining friendships difficult. Thankfully the only friend I have at the moment tolerates it well and has enough of a schedule that, earlier or later, we can still manage to get into some kind of rabble rousing or other a few times a week. My regular appointments at the chiropractor this past few months has been the best I have done with appointments in a long time. I had gotten this good with school, for a while. Perhaps that was with Ritalin though, I cannot remember. Wait, no, it was before Ritalin. I lost my 'balance' when they put me on high blood pressure medicines. *sigh*

I have an appointment at 15:00 today. I would like to be up earlier but I do not see how that will be possible. I suppose I ought to take a look at that sun lamp and see if there are any fittings on it for a wall or ceiling mount, figure that out so that the device is close enough to an outlet, and get a fitting which would start that thing up at a certain time. I have heard that it works right through the eyelids, though I will not swear to it. Still, it would be worth a shot. And reading, I need to get on that. I think MK might be right about that. Though I am not in the best of shape to concentrate to read at about the time I want to go to bed. Awake, yes, functional... not so much. Still, if I can get to it, I think it could work.

I did research rechargeable batteries while up. I have found AA and AAA batteries that would work, and for anything from high to low demand usage. Finding C, D, and 9 volt which do the same has not been successful. They are quite expensive. If, however, they honestly are as functional as advertised, they would be worth their weight in gold for a prepper. As to whether they really are as good as advertised is anyone's guess. I think a very good charger, spending up on that a bit, a solar charger or two in time, and several different battery types and manufacturers might be a good start. My estimate, at this point, for a starting rig (not including a solar recharger as I did not find one, my mind on other things) would be about $150 for a minimal trial kit offering a solid recharger and enough batteries to try out in several different applications. For another month or three, at least until I figure out my finances, these are on hold. Water storage, 5 gallon buckets, and a ladder are on the list ahead of rechargeable batteries. Actually, so is food for the buckets, when I get the buckets that is. Money, items, time... how much time? I suppose it is like I was telling my friend the other day. I told him my doc said not to worry about my heart, it will last the rest of my life. Ha!

Well, off to bed again. I will see how that works out. At least my kitchen is in order, I have food for the next week or two right at hand if I am not interested in cooking, plus I have a few things to cook this coming afternoon or evening. I still have not completely figured out the grill. I keep trying different foods and various times but the thing is tricky. Too done is just that while underdone, if fine for beef, does not work well with fowl.

Met one of my neighbors.

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As I was heading out, a mini-van pulled up. At first I thought the driver was going to simply turn around. Perhaps something forgotten back at home, a phone call and some type of home or work disaster, or someone merely got last and now realized the truth of their location which happened to be a bit west of the intended location. Then a woman stepped out and walked toward the hood, then back to the door and reached in. I wondered if she were lost or looking for the previous owners, not being sure about me. But no, she intended to talk to me, and brought something.

Her name is &%@*&%! (encrypted for opsec reasons). She had been meaning to stop by, and had baked cookies several times. Those had been eaten by her rugrunts, or perhaps the husband? In any case, each of her arrangements had been rearranged. This time, however, she was able to make something and brought it with her. I am a sucker for food! It turns out to be a bread of some sort. I think it is chocolate, though it has a gingerbread sense to it. Delicious, mind you, and half gone in spite of myself... well, more than half gone but that is another issue.

In any case, she introduced herself. She also told me the name of her husband. They live just next to me, in an odd geographical manner. They have three munchkins, or midgets as I think I termed them. They moved here from %@# *)%$#& (big city, West Coast). It seems the husband is from this region and snagged a lucky city girl, got busy, and moved them back to the area. Yes, yes, I have a penchant for writing things to my way of thinking, though I think she seems happy here. Further, they are homeschoolers! She asked where I was from and why I was here, pretty bold questions. Though, after having lived in liberal-ville, I was a bit hesitant to answer more fully but I went ahead. I suggested I had wanted to move to more conservative country, to leave the city life to a mountainous region, and to begin carrying on as if I knew what I was doing, give or take. I also commended her on homeschooling. I doubt if she hears that much, even in Utah (very tough environment in which to homeschool, despite the other amenities the state and region offers). She suggested she is quite conservative as well. And pretty. Well, for a married mom with three children. That is all I am saying. I wonder if she has old maid sisters? *grins* I am quite pleased to have made the acquaintance. I hope to have more dealings with the family.

I did get in to town. I did not, however, find the gray-out stuff at any of the stores which I visited. Having stopped at 3 stores, I was done shopping. I will look tomorrow. Still, it would have been nice to get it all done today so that tomorrow would have been in and out. Plus, shopping after dark is so much cooler and often less crowded. Milk, butter, sour cream, cottage cheese, bread, batteries, and a few other life essentials were purchased, along with enough tobacco to see me through the next 3 to 4 weeks. At $6 to $10 a week, my tobacco habit is not exactly a financial burden. It is just the idea of paying so much in taxes for a simple pleasure rankles me to no end. I am also reconsidering rechargeable batteries. I plan to do a little research on the topic before lights out, hopefully in a half an hour to hour (or less).

I will not be getting to my garage today, and tomorrow... we will see. Since my work bench for reloading is on hold until I receive the plywood, I cannot tell if I will be ordering more such systems for the garage. Having one or two benches out there would be really nice, making stacking, sorting, storing, and placement a bit easier, not to mention offering a good place for a bench grinder and a vice or two. I will know soon enough, though I can get things sorted better and have my weight bench assembled and ready for use without a bench. I am not sure about working out there in the winter. I think there was a small heater out there before though, and I would guess a small propane, electric, or other heater would make it workable. Plus, I think there is some insulation out there, to a degree.

I am going to try to get to sleep early tonight. I will just bumble through the effort. If two or three hours pass, I may just get up. I do not know what else to do with this sleep thing. More food before bed? (And, no, despite old wives tales to the contrary, eating late at night does not actually stack on more fat, just so you know... we run a clean thought machine ship around here, wives tales, when wrong, are cast out. Though, old wives might be kept... depends... or if not in depends... something like that.) Anywho.

Good night, Dave.

Are tricks really only for kids?

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I have been thinking about something. It is a trick so I was unsure whether to go ahead with it. Then I realized I am up against tricky opponents and fair is fair. You see, my beard is 75% to 90% white. Well, and as winter rolls in, even if it really is not even fall yet, I have decided to try grow my 'winter beard' and tame that white while I am at it. Hey, I have dated only 2 or 3 women, even when I was young, whose hair color was actually known to me. Even the gingers can do things to alter the shade (though the 2 I dated did not, I think?). Fair is fair. Odd though. I like gingers. Come to think about it I am unsure why I only dated two out of so many others? Who knows.

After doing a little research, I have found a problem. It seems I need to know the shade of my hair, or the shade I wish to color it. It is not quite as pat as just somehow covering the gray. Yeah, sure, it makes sense. And, having been tested on shade differentiation, I know I am good at that, perhaps remarkably good. They suggested that experienced jewelers are at that level. But... this is different. This is a long term change. If I can get over that step, I suppose I will have it in the bag. I want this done before I begin attending church. That is, of course, where I intend to wife hunt. Yeah, not as easy or laid back as a bar fly hunting. The hope is the results will be a bit better.

I have to go into town for a few things tonight and then again tomorrow. I will stop and look. I need to look over my beard before I go, when I get there too probably, and try and figure out what shade is dominant. I guess my other problem is that my hair and beard is rather calico. I have red, black, brown, blond, and variants within those throughout my hair and beard. I will just have to see. Oh, I know the method of mix and mingle. My mother was a beautician, and a rather good one. She learned to use several dyes in a multi-highlight, and some low-light work, to create natural looking and interesting hair. The cost, bother, and actual technique, however, would be the problem. I do not think I could flip a hole filled hair cover to fit my beard both because the thing would be problematic mechanically itself and because I do not think my beard hairs would come through in tufts well enough to work well. Maybe later, if I cannot find a color that quite does the thing justice.

All this to be tricky? Well, yes. I had hoped to get started in the garage, and I may still. But the truth is, I am having as much problem with get up and go as I am with getting up in the first place. I am getting things done, but more in a hit and miss fashion. I think I have a right to grump about it, too. Anyway, a bit of beans, rice, and ham, a trip to town for a half dozen grocery and other goods maybe, and then I will see what might be done with the garage in the time remaining. Grump as I might, I do get to it when I can.

Good day, Opus #6.

Arghhhh!

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Sleep is just not within my control. Neither can I fall asleep or wake up. I do not want to take anything for it. Between addiction and past failings (everything I have ever tried either does nothing or sends me into an uncontrollable tail spin which takes weeks to months to recover from). As is, if I am sleeping long and at the wrong times, I do have a "day" and a "night", and only one of each, within each 24-hour period. That may not sound fancy to you all, but to me, that is nearly golden. That WAS the golden grail for me for nearly 15 years. I have found it so I do not want to... tinker with it. I have tried 4 different sleep medications, prescribed ones. The "best" would allow me to sleep but only for 4 hours. Then I would wake without any option. That split my day into two days, with variable wakefulness and offering only 8 hours of sleep, split by 4 to 8 hours of being awake. It was murder. The next most effective would cause me to be tired, but sleep would not necessarily come. As well, I was sleepy all of the time. Several months on each... hurt. The rest did nothing.

I have tried adding in extra physical work, I am eating much better foods and on a better schedule, I am drinking more water, I am avoiding caffeine 4 to 6 hours before the time I want to sleep, I am using my alarms to try and undercut my sleep so as to be tired and ready for bed. Essentially, I am doing everything I can really do to foster proper sleep patterns.

On the good side, I am still functioning while awake, if frustrated. If I am having some seasonal affective situations, the sleep problem is only minimally adding to that. As I said, I am sleeping once per day and being awake for one single period each day. On the bad side, I have missed a couple of appointments, the business I need to get done is slipping past me as the time to do that business is done by the time I am able to wake fully enough to get to it, I am sleeping more like 11 hours in part probably because I am disturbing my sleep so often by trying to wake up early, and I am frustrated as heck. Bah! Double BAH!

Well, nothing to do but keep on keeping up the effort. The war is not over, I have not even lost the front line. I have just had a few retreats of the front line to the second line. I, however, have no known reinforcements to send up. I am not sure what else to do at this point. Will time heal all? We will see, I guess. BAH!

Have a good day.

Rough days.

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As fall approaches, light begins to fade, leaves change color, and a hint of things to come wafts in on the wind from time to time, I begin to go through a tough time. If it were merely a physical thing it would not be so bad. In these times the darkness from my past creeps up on me. I cannot tell if these things merely haunt me, somehow linked to this time of year, or if the darkening world elicits memories and sensations from the past since they share something in common. All I know is that my personal ghosts are back.

I do not remember specific people or events, necessarily. My mind simply drifts, like the earth as is spins away from the sun, into darker places. Sometimes I get a hint of what is going on in the netherworks, faces, places, times, events. More often I am simply left with a terrible group of emotions. So strong are these feelings that I become, if very temporarily, nauseous. The things I have seen and done are terrible. Even these things are not the problem though, to be honest. I have accepted and dealt with most of that. The problem, I think, comes when I did terrible things which were against my notions of right and wrong. Times when I asked myself who I really was and what I was doing there or how I could do what I was doing. Imagine a blood spattered face in your visage in dim light. Then realizing it was your face, in a mirror. None of the blood is yours and the surrounds are more frightening than your bloody face. Fill in the rest at your leisure. No, that is not among the things that have come consciously to mind, only an example.

In the past this might be a time in which I was more prone to thinking about suicide. I am done with that. Then I would think it only fair, just, or right and wish that I had died, been killed, or killed myself. I am over that as well. Now I just understand that knowing shame, then as now, means I do know something about right and wrong. It makes me contemplate my actions a bit more thoroughly. I have repented for my sins, as fully and honestly as I can. I have attempted to change my life. And yet that little devil still lives inside, the one who cherishes all my misdeeds. The one who loves this time. Prayer, at times like these, is simply a good thing. Honestly... it does work. Though I pray over every meal and at night and sometimes just because as well as when I hear a prayer request or see one, at times like these, more prayer is a good thing. As I said, it works too... if I remember and call on God. Still, I cannot pray all of the time.

Sam put a scare in me tonight. Usually when I let her out, she is out for a few hours and then wants back in. A simple call will get her to return. If she is not around, I go back in and try a bit later. Tonight she did not show or 'tell' by clawing at the doors for 6 or 7 hours. Worried does not quite express how I felt. She did return, all is well, and I am doing better. But I think I will keep her in a few days. She may be going farther, for a number of reasons. I have found that when I keep her locked in for a few days, her trips get shorter.

Sassy is becoming quite the young lady cat. She is due to be fixed the 15th. She is so small though, I am not sure this is wise and I plan to call and ask about that. Though growing, she just seems so tiny still. She is, as a general rule, playing nicer. The claw marks have all but faded, the only possible news ones came when something frightened her and she took off without thinking. She is learning. I think she is getting to Sam as well. There have been several times where Sam has entered and... started looking for the kitten. She would come up to me, which I thought was sweet, until I realized she was looking for Sassy. Then she would slip off to nose other known kitteh habitats. You see, I trick the kitty into my room, then close the door, otherwise in the past with the Sassy by the door Sam would not deign to enter. She still will not, mostly. *sigh* Women!

A bit done, a little more, but it is very late. I think the socks will be sorted and put away. Bedtime. It is already 4:00. Well, it beats 6:00 or 8:00. *shrug*

Good night, Bane.

The bed beat me to a bloody pulp.

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Whatever. A 15:00 wake up was rough. I could not wake. I had the alarm set for 10:00, resetting it in two hour increments until I just turned it off at 14:00. There was no giddee-up in my getupandgo. Again, whatever. I will keep working on it. Perhaps I need to set the furnace now. The control is programmable. Perhaps a morning burst of heat. Not hot, just enough to warm to place a bit. I hate the idea of that though, so early in the year. As well, I would like to see how much an inexpensive timer outlet device might be to get a sun lamp to kick in for an hour near my bed. I never really have that thing a chance before. Perhaps it is time for that? I figure, even if I am sleeping, since I do not cover my face, perhaps it might still work? Anyway.

It is a bit late, now that I am awake, to do much business. I have plenty of time to begin doing some more housework though. I may get to some of the garage, I may finish the bedroom, I may do that last little load of laundry, and I could study another couple of sections of calculus. What will, in the end, be done is anybody's guess. I am still not awake enough to be sure.

I do feel like I have been run over by a fast moving Mac truck. No real pains, just a sense of psychic and physical grunginess and a feeling of being holistically unkempt. If I were dress slacks, I would have minor stains and be very wrinkled. Come to think of it... Never mind.

I will, eventually, get to things. Even I have to admit that this down is pretty light and consists merely of not being able to control my sleep. I still work, plan, do business within reason, take care of the house, attend to the kitten and cat both socially and to their other needs, and I think my bills have been being paid. For now it is enough. It is a vast improvement. I simply want more, and sooner rather than later, damn it. *sigh*

Bah! I will... get to it... soon. *some people's whiney kids...*

Everything, almost.

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All the laundry, save a minor load, has been taken care of. I did some cleaning in the room, but the rest of the work in that room will have to wait. I cooked rice, cleaned the pot, then boiled eggs which I now must peel. As well, I went through more calculus. Some of it is very troubling. Rates and ratios kick my butt. Though technically calculus II, and sort of a side line in the curriculum, this is the more important material in that it relates to real problems. What are those, you ask? Those are calculus word problems. Yep, every form of math, I would guess, has word problems. Anyway, those will be gone over much more extensively than the other parts... so far. I have covered derivatives now, for calculus I and part of calculus II. Integrals are next. Most of it has been rather smooth, though I am only doing a few problems of each type and there are much rougher problems out there.

I used the clothes line to hang the socks. Wool socks should not go into the dryer, if they do they should only be placed on delicate with no heat. These socks have lasted a very long time with daily wear and occasional dryer abuse. At $16 a pair they need to last, and so care is given... usually. The retractable clothes line, however, is a dud. I should simply have used clothes line, a couple of hooks, a few knots, and perhaps a line wrap device and a washer. I may end up doing just that.

Instead of going out to eat, as time was becoming critical, I simply ate rice. Two bowls we eaten, one with Splenda and milk, the other with butter and salt. Rice, by itself, is not very satisfying. However, it is what I had on hand and it saved an hour trip. Tomorrow I will have beans to mix with it. As well, I have meat thawing. Beyond all that, my kitchen, utensils, pots, pans, and serving ware is clean and ready for another week of cooking and eating. I will probably, again, merely have rice in the morning, if not as much. Or eggs. Woot! A choice for breakfast and no cooking. Oh, and I best get the trash out. I do not think they picked it up today. I hope not, now that I think of it?

Good night.

Some done, more to do.

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The laundry was no problem, if it is still not completely done. Another load, wool socks, remains. And perhaps a small load of what I have been wearing and a few odds and ends. I will be using a special detergent for the socks, about every other or every third time I use soap just for wools. The dishes are finally completed. Those took longer than what I had anticipated. There were many irregular and large sized items, as I finally cleared the refrigerator. I need to wash the bottom level of the refrigerator and then that will be good. I will be soaking beans and probably cooking rice tonight. And, finally, I hope to get into my room and do some sorting and cleaning. If I finish these things, since I have no food ready, I will drive into town and grab something easy. Enough to cover that hunger thing.

Tomorrow my goal is to rise as early as possible, schedule an appointment I need to make, make a few phone calls, and then get busy on the garage. My hope is to set up the weight bench and arrange the mower, weed whip, wheelbarrow, tools, and garden hoses. It sounds easy but there is a lot of things that have been collecting. As well, I am thinking about what to do regarding the engines. They are done for the year. I know there is a solution you can put in the tanks which will help the gas keep. I could also drain or otherwise empty the gas tanks. I am not sure if I need to do anything with the oil, though I doubt it. I worry about the snow blower though, as I am not sure I treated the gas. Then again, I am not sure there is any gas in the tank. Anyway, as expensive as these items are it behooves me to tend them.

I hope to do more work in the house this week. After my mother left, barring outside work and a few tasks, the rest of the unpacking, sorting things to my way of doing things, and a few other tasks and chores have been left off. I would like to finish the last dozen boxes of books, equipment of various sorts, and miscellaneous items. Some things may simply be tossed. I am not going to become a useless item packrat. As well, I need to complete some business this week. I need to check my bills, pay what is due, figure out my finances, and get going on the rebate and my state tax exemptions. *ugh*

Tomorrow is officially a work day. I need to try and get my work hat back on, get back in the saddle, deal with possible failures and not give in when they happen, and get back to it. Oh, I have been continuing my studies. Those are going along well, very well. Once I have completed the preliminary studies, I need to begin doing problems. That means, texts. Of course, it will be another week or two before I get to that point. Still, it is good to be doing physical work, mental work, business, and pleasure, all while mostly keeping up with home. It is odd, like juggling. I am past my Iowa freshman attempts, past my sophomore first year here, and into a bit more complicated maneuvers. Still, I feel like a slug. As much because I am one, if not by choice, as because even if I were not, everything tends to end up taking more time, effort, money, concentration, and dedication than what I would have thought, or did initially. Every time.

Well, later. A bit of tube to relax, a little sorting and cleaning in my bedroom, a meal, and then lights out. Good night, I think.

Up all night.

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Bedtime was 5:30 or 6:30. I was able to rise at noon though. Some things were done last night, and I stayed up to see to them, if I managed time poorly. Several loads of laundry, most of the dishes, some minor neatening, the grill tank was changed out and a roast was cooked, and other little things. Life in one's home is all about little things here and there to maintain and then a little more beyond that to get beyond and into fixes, changes, and organizing. Increments, as any economist, scientist, mathematician, or even barber, painter, and poet knows, is the way to seeing through to... something.

Oh, my repair of the washing machine was better than what I had thought. I had believed I was going to have to mess with the cold water faucet in order to get the warm water to work when I wanted that and the cold to run more swiftly when I wanted that. As it turns out, I or the previous owners had partially shut the hot water valve before my evaluation which lead to that conclusion. Once I realized that and then opened full, I get the right temps and the solid speed of fill at all times without requiring me to nudge the system one way or the other. I also checked the water softener. At my rate of use the 8 bags I brought in have not even been touched as the 4 bags I bought when my mother was here still fill 2/3rds of the fill box. Nice things to know. Still, I would like to get 4 more bags down there. I figure a 12 bag supply, replacing as I use, will hold me over in any type of a personal deep freeze.

There are things on my list, and I had meant to start Monday as a typical day. However, as I reorder my life, I have chosen to "enjoy" holidays as if they were real for me, same as weekends. On such days, low key is the function level. So, instead of digging in, I will do more passive work. I know it may seem funny, but there is a reason to my madness. Essentially, I am trying to become real, to create a more typical day, week, month, and year schedule. To do that, I need to begin living like I am real, which means using weekends and holidays for down time. Something else I should do is begin studying holidays. I honestly do not know what they are or when they are. If I do well there, I will begin studying Christian, with special attention to Catholic, holidays. Feasts? Well, that is a bit much for any but a specialist or someone who is rather devout, attentive, and with a good memory for these things. That would be a time and attention thing for me.

So, what I am going to do today is finish the laundry and the dishes. Sweep, mop, and vacuum. Cleaning of a lighter nature. And then, hopefully, an assessment of my bedroom. Surprisingly, I have been keeping things rather well organized, within a man's world at least. There are no piles of stuff. Clutter may exist but it is treated and either kept minimal or entirely straightened once in a while. Clothes go on hangers, the gun cleaning kit goes back to where it belongs, shoes are even cycled through so that I do not wear one pair more than two days and I prefer a change every day. However, the actual places everything goes could use a spot check and revamp. My closet needs some cleaning and I think I can do it without too much fuss. I want my room to be in order, cleaner than it is (mostly just dust I never got to while moving in and now things are in the way), and be able to know for certain where everything from pants, to underwear, to t-shirts and other folded clothes, to gun kit goes without thinking about it.

Oh, my hunger remains. Last night I did manage that for a short bit. I made a chuck roast and ate 2/3rds of it along with a very sizable baked potato and two 16 ounce glasses of milk. I could have eaten more, I am simply starving (sensation, not reality, mind you). However, I was enough satisfied that I did not push. I hate that bloated feeling from eating way too much. Then again, 32 ounces of milk, a pound and a half of potato, and 2 pounds or a little more of meat... That is, though, only a little over, what, 1.5% of my body weight, give or take.

Some truths I have been thinking over are about to spill out here. I hear, and have said, 'people do not know how I feel'. Often this is said when someone, or I, am being scolded, chided, or asked to change. Though, on any particular topic, that may be true. However, every single human out there has felt just like everyone else at some point. I do not think humans feel sorrow, joy, shame, anger, or any other emotion any differently than the next human. If we feel isolated in that, it is either by choice or ignorance. The choice part comes when we try to use our emotions to counter logic and no one buys it. The ignorance comes when we, either through our emotional situation or inability or lack of vocabulary are unable to express our feelings. Then again, even if we express our feelings correctly, expressing those will not always (and often correctly) elicit the response we would hope for. Everyone knows how you feel, they either do not care, care but it is not important to what is being discussed, or they will simply enable whatever problem has lead to the discussion which created the feeling.

Why do I consider this, currently? I am stuck on trying to figure out if my sleep cycle problems, lack of concentration, freezing, and other things are simply emotional or if they have a physical basis (at least a basis from which I cannot extricate myself purely based on will). I know, I keep picking that scab. I keep trying to dig in there. Do I really want to know? Emotionally, no. Realistically, yes. Then again, who will be the one to tell my I am a loser whiner when I try to cop out? Me? Just... thinking. Oh, another part of that has been thinking about people who work, everyday, doing things I do not think I could do. For example, waitresses and cashiers who stand on their feet all day. The thing is, these people would not do that for their own sake, or simply for the task. They do unimaginable things, far beyond being on their feet all day, as part of whatever it is they are trying to accomplish. Some of these things, in other words, are side effects. For me to actually begin to function, I am going to need to figure out how to get past the "standing on my feet all day" to the "doing something functional". If I can get to the latter, I might get to the former. Unless, of course, something is actually wrong with me. A man with a broken or otherwise hurt leg, or more a one legged man, would need a prosthetic or crutch or he would not stand a chance. Yack! Anyway, at this point, I have to consider... what could I use as a crutch, or even a prosthetic?

The kitten and cat say "Meow", I say ciao.

A late start, of course.

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Late to bed, late to rise, trying to at least keep it in check or I will go head over heals into the nether of confusion. That is not a place I can afford to be right now.

I tinkered, blog checked, news checked, and gamed a bit to wake up. I noticed my home needs work. Little and big things have been piling up. I have not gotten to those things yet, but will do so soon. After the initial wake up process, I hit some more calculus. I did well and then my mind started tripping up. I went a little further and realized further work was futile. A bit more tinkering, then I will have to see to some of the chores I noticed. Who knows, the vacuum might even be used today. I do know I need food. For whatever reason, lately, no matter how much or how little I eat, I am hungry all the time. Really hungry. What normally fills me, or even has been beyond my capacity to eat in the last six months, now serves to simply wet my appetite.

I took the bell off Sassy last night. I figured, now that she comes when called (even when she is in trouble), I no longer need to compromise her opsec for the purpose of locating her. I am not sure, but I also suspect this will allow her to get closer to Sam. Which I am hoping will cause Sam to more quickly surrender to the collective. *evil grins* I enjoy both critters, for their own reasons. I would like to enjoy them as a pair soon. Sassy has surgery the 15th. Though I hate the idea of it, I know I could not take care of a litter of kittens, let alone have them all fixed and immunized, and all. Let alone one to three litters a year! Along with food, litter, and water needs, I would be overrun very quickly. No, she will be fixed even though the notion is repugnant. My responsibility to her, to any future kittens, to my neighbors, and really even to Sam, requires this.

I should get to work. I do not know where to start. Little problems, upkeep, and tending to food needs all creep up. More so since I have been struggling with my schedule. Later.